Spirit Boxing: The "Flesh Check"

I still don't know why God has me in Woodbridge, Viriginia. I'm still baffled that out of all the places that he could have placed me, he decided to open the door for me to stay here. I'm not really sure what I'm suppose to do here to be honest and the less I know the more frustrated I become. I'm tired. I want to pack up my bags and throw in my towel and say "Forget it all!" I want to go back to what is comfortable...

But each time I'm about to throw it all away, the Lord sends someone to give me a "flesh check." I admit that I need it, but I don't always like it. Yet, how am I going to be the queen that God has called me to be if I am not listening to him when he speaks through his children?

Obedience, once again, is a must. And since I know this I will be held accountable if I do not obey.

I wanted a normal life. I thought would graduate high school. Go to college. Meet a successful man on wall street, get married, have babies and that would be my life. Oh! What a perfect great life...

                        
But, I should have known that nothing in my life would ever be easy or a walk in the park when my mother passed away. That was my ticket into this: amusement park in the first place. And now I can't get out. Even if I wanted to go back out in the world, I couldn't because I know too much. I can't run. I can't hide. *sigh* It is all very frustrating...

I don't know why God picked me. I didn't sign up for any of this. But here I am and I am forcing myself to try and make the best of it. There have been so many times when the "unthinkable" crossed my mind... *sigh*

I feel like I'm trapped. Like I'm in a prison. Stuck in a cycle of neverending "can you give me a rides" and "I'll pay you back when I can..." I know that God will bless those who have helped me, been kind, given me advice, gave me a hug and or have been extremely patient with me during this process.

Yeah... that's what this is a process. A grooming process. Where God is cutting out all the things that are not holy, righteous and clean in his sight. It hurts! Its' uncomfortable! It makes me feel angry, tired, frustrated, annoyed! But, in my right thinking and spirit I know that it is good for me. I know that God loves me. I know that in the end it will be not only for my own good but also for the good of those that he has me helping to lead, with my husband one day.

I'm sad that none of the guys that I have dated thus far have been strong enough to stand beside me during this time. I could really use a friend right now. But, maybe God is cleaning them up too, and when the time is right, in the spirit God will send them back into my life. Two hurt people can't help nor encourage one another nor encourage anyone else for that matter. Hurt begets hurt.

It would be so much easier to run to another state and start all over. Dye my hair. Change my name. Put on an accent or even move out of the country (which I'm really considering actually because this is just ridiculous... lol). I want to go to a place where I can express myself in all and every way that is self respecting, through art, fashion, and singing. I see makeup and clothes as art. I see myself differently than most of the people around here. They just look a shirt and think, "Oh, its just a shirt." I look at a shirt and think it is a color from Gods' paint brush.

I know who am and whose I belong to. And when you know that and you walk in it and others don't it often brings up jealousy and miscommunication. "OH, she thinks she's better than everyone else..." No, I just know about me and if you seek God for yourself instead of worring about me then you will know who you are and whose you belong too.

But...

I have been on the spiritual battlefield for awhile now. And I admit that I'm not always as strong as I would like to think I am. There are days when I just want to crawl in a cave and tune everyone and everything out. Where I want to let go of all this passion and love for life. If my spirit ever gets that low, then I'm in trouble because that's when the spirit of suicide creeps. I know it, because I actually had that spirit on me a couple of times. It was like someone blew out the light in my soul. I was walking around like a zombie. I could feel the shift in my spirit. From loving people and wanting to be a better woman each day. To not caring about anything or anyone at all...

It is called emptiness and if you ever get that low in your life when you feel that way, you should find someone who is strong in their spirit and walk with Christ to pray with you. Its not a joke. Suicide is not a joke! It happens every single day. That's why we have to be mindful of our brothers and sisters through Christ. What they are going through. Yeah, I know. Sometimes when we get into arguments in that moment the only thing we want to do is "be right" and "win the fight" so we say whatever it is to make the other person bend to our will, but at the price of what? What really did we gain by making them bend to our will? No it is not worth it... Nope, it is just not worth it.