Reflection: Virginia (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 2)

When you go from one extreme to the other, from not thinking that much about God to thinking and passionately sharing everything you know and learn about God with everyone who is willing to listen. 

You tend to look at yourself and everyone around you differently...

As I said in the first blog, this time last year I was praying to go home. The strange thing, that all my prayers did nothing because when God was ready for me to go home everything lined up perfectly... 

I tried to go home about fifteen different times, prior to actually leaving. 

So that is safe to say, you can pray all you want, but if what you ask for does not line up with the will of GOD, it will not happen. 

So, I learned to live realistically. No more hopeless romantic. No more giving people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone has an agenda. "Everyone lies."  

I use to think that if I loved enough, treated people with kindness and respect that good karma would always follow me. I made it my best effort to "live to be a blessing" only to have my love and efforts stepped on. 

So, if you ask me if I believe that a man and woman can love one another unconditionally. The answer is NO. Anytime you want someone to "be with you" you will always compromise some part of yourself to "keep" them. It is inevitable. 

When I became realistic about my walk with God, I started to feel more powerful. You see, in VA I had a lot of fun praising God. But I praised him from a fractured place. A place where, if I didn't focus my attention and time only on God I would have lost my mind. 

I use to be preachy the way most of the people I know are becoming. I use to tell people that God is so good. Well, since He is why don't you go find out just how GOOD GOD is? 

During that time, I tried to start a business that failed miserably. I started the business while I was in VA because I thought it would be a quick way to make enough money to pay my rent at the time. But, as soon as I started to get things going tragedy hit and the young man that introduced me to the business died of a blood clot to his heart. 

I never met the young man in real life, but we were pen pals since college. Always encouraging one another to be and do better in life. I never had a friend pass away. The fact that he was my friend opened my eyes to see just how cruel this world is. He left behind his little girl and a whole town of people who loved and respected him dearly. Bless his soul. He always tried to help when he could. 

He was an excellent listener.

R-E-A-W-A-K-E-N-I-N-G: Rise Of The Queen

I'm in a new place now.

Stronger

Wiser

Faster

Resilient

Comfortable In My Own Skin

I would say about, 8 months ago, all I wanted to do was die.  I couldn't think I could not function, my entire life revolved around "why me?" I felt defeated, raped and robbed of my joyful spirit. But, I knew that it was my own fault. I had to take responsibility for being so easily deceived. The devil tricked. Yeah, asshole got me. I didn't even see it coming. But, I realized that everything happens for a reason and that everything that is negative was turned around for my good.

I don't have any regrets about what I did, said, did not do or say while I was in VA, but every sleepless night, every tear, every moment of confusion led me to where I am today: peaceful. But cautious.

You see, I will never put another man on a pedestal again, nor will I ever allow a man to use his "resources" to allure me away from the flock. I was so happy to meet a man that I thought was about that "christian life." I thought him being about that life, would ignite a new passion in me to be about that life too. But it wasn't his desire to be about it that ignited my passion for God again, it was his (their) betrayal, the injustice, the murder of my child like spirit.

Every setback. Every stab in the back. Every sleepless night. It is all used for my good.

I had no choice but to delete many of the "family" that I met in VA from my Facebook because I was in a dark place. A very dark place. Such a dark place, that satan himself could have asked me to marry him and I would have said yes... yep, that dark. 

I had to cut them off, so I could focus and so that I could protect them from the anger and the hate that I felt toward and about that situation. I recently added a couple of the faces that I most admired back into my life. I only added the ones that were mature enough to understand what the "fight" is all about. Spiritual warriors for Gods' Love. 

The ones who don't run to mommy and daddy every time they get a scrape on their knee. You're a grown ass man/woman stop sucking on your mothers nipple and pick up a weapon and learn how to defend yourself. 

Stop blaming your screwed up life on other people. You made the choice to marry that person, or open your legs to that man and to have a baby with him. So now you deal with the consequences. 

Just like I made the choice to believe that they could be trusted.

We all make choices. But I don't run from my consequences. I face them head on, with complaints, without complaints. But I never give up and I never stop fighting. 

Yeah...I guess, I figure that if I had to learn how to fight out in a new place, on my own then others should learn how to too, because sooner or later their parents will leave this earth and they will be faced to meet the claws of injustice that rapes the world as we speak. 

Chapter 3: Call To Greatness (Rise of the Queen) (Part 1)

Chapter 3: 

She had to step down from her position as the Queen because she knew that she was not setting the most "conventional" example of what a woman of God is suppose to represent. 

Instrument of War: (Wrath and Righteous Anger)

It is only by the use of the Word of God and

Through Christ Jesus that any human can have any real power that can rise against evil forces. 

These are recordings of a day in the life of a Queen through Christ. 

Her every day struggles of what a realistic walk with Christ can be like. No one is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. Yet, some criticize, stand back and wait for you to fall and die. While others stand and gaze on with a tinge of admiration that quickly turns into jealousy. 

But, not to be discouraged. 

I'm So Glad To be the Third Wheel and Fifth Wheel

Life has a sense or humor. When I was stuck in Virginia I found myself surrounded by families, young married couples and children. I'm single and I don't have children, so why would I want to spend my time around families, young married couples and children all day? 

Please don't get me wrong I love children. When I'm around kids I change into a completely different person. I'm more sweet. I'm more gentle. I'm way more patient. But, I still have to remember that I'm single and I don't have children. So at the end of the day. It is still just me, myself and I. 

The Queen On Vacation: Respect The Journey (Murder Trial)

This is the scripture that was brought to my spiritual attention during work today: 

My intense bitterness obstructed my peace but You have loved my life back from the pit of corruption and nothingness: for You have cast all my sins behind your back (Isaiah 38:17).

Yes, I'm still pissed at the injustice done during my VA "murder trial" I didn't have anyone to defend me... you know the story. I had to cut some of the people who were about of my "murder" out of my life. Simply because they were advocates for injustice. They stood by and as Christian watched me be persecuted and did nothing to help me. Just stood there. Laughing. Because death is funny, right? 

Grieving doesn't just end overnight. People grieve differently. But, the thing is not to let grief consume you. I can talk about it because I'm half way out of this grieving over VA. I can feel myself rise to the woman that God needs me to be. Its incredible. The power. But, I have to maintain humility. 

I haven't been blogging as much as I normally do, because I needed more time to reflect. I felt myself getting too "self righteous" and "holier than thou." I could feel my mind beginning to think that I was better than other people, because of the new revelations that God was frequently revealing to me. 

The calling God has on my life I'm not ready to walk in, yet. 

My step back from the "battlefield" has not only given me time to reflect but also time to put myself in the shoes of the people that I was "beating down with scripture." 

Yes, I did talk about God 24/7. I was so happy to finally have a connection and relationship with the Lord, that I became over zealous in my joy. 

In my time in VA, I noticed that so called Christian friends were jealous of the relationship that I discovered with God. They were not on my level, so instead of learning more about God for themselves they decided to try and beat me down, ostracize me or ridicule me about the current situation. 

But, please don't get me wrong I still love very much and please don't ever think that just because I love, that I'm a door mat and you can talk to me any ol' kind of way either. God is still working on me... so there is no telling what I"m capable if provoked. 

The Epic Final VA Conclusion

Final Conclusion: 

Revenge is not something I recommend people get into or even think about. The more you think about that negative spirit. The more you feed it. The more you bring it to life. 

The Truth About My VA Trip: I Hope You're Still Laughing When The Devil Comes Knocking

The reason why I was so upset about the whole "situation" in Woodbridge, VA was not because I felt like he tricked me. Now I know that, that whole setup was by the devil. 

I understood that he needed to get his life in order. No one's life is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. But, nothing that I ever did in life rendered me to deserve what he did to me...
But first, why would you invite someone into your life when your life is not in order in the first place? 

And then second (to point the finger back at me and take responsibility) why did I accept being in his life when I had somewhat of a clue that his life was not in order? I was happy. I was "in love" with who he portrayed himself to be. He played the role of a dedicated, committed Christian man of God, well. The worst part about it was that only one other person besides his parents knew about his true nature. But no one bothered to give me a "heads up." I guess they thought my being in his life would influence him to do right. But no, only God has that kind of power. On top of that if he doesn't choose to be a better man for himself, he will never be. He has to make the choice.... 

SO! You Want To Be A Leader???

I'm learning a lot about myself in this journey of "firsts." The only person that I can self reflect on is me. If, I want those around me change or have a more positive energy in their lives, then I have to be a source of positive energy, does that make sense? 

I know how to lead, but I don't know how to lead a team. Normally, when I put myself out there people just follow me or copy after what I want, but when I realize that they are following me then I take myself out of the spotlight and hide. 

I don't like people to copy off of me. I want everyone to be themselves and be original. But, since I'm called to reflect Christ, there is NO ME. It is only the fruit of the spirit of GOD that other people need to see me walking, talking and living in. 

Here are the fruits of the spirit: 

I think right now, I'm learning how to walk in love, peace and joy. See, I know how to lead when it comes to business, like getting a team college project done or doing a company team portfolio project! Hands down! I gotta it! Now I just have to transfer that same passionate spirit, to learning how to be about the Lords' business. 

Sometimes I let what is troubling me show on my face. In other words I don't really have a good poker face. haha When something isn't right in my spirit it will certainly show on my face! 

When people do me "dirty" and I KNOW that they did me dirty but they walk around like nothing ever happen, it will certainly show on my face. I don't like liars. I don't like cowards. 

With that said... I have to learn that everyone is at a different level in their spiritual walks. Some are on level one and others are on level 8. I also have to remember that there are also levels of maturity. As long as I stay grounded in the level of maturity that God has me at, then I know that others will eventually (after much prayer lol) rise to my level of commitment and dedication. I have learned to leave my "baggage outside the front door" before I go into choir rehearsal. I try not to bring any worries from the day into my praise and worship and or choir rehearsals. If, I do then I don't feel like my entire attention is on God. 

I Love You More Than I Love Myself

My child like heart died when they broke up with me. I came here thinking that they were going to help me get on my feet. I came here believing that they would have my back. But, the reality is that they did have my "back" and then they turned their back on me and walked away...

They promised my god family and my grandmother that they would take care of me. If they would have waited to break up with me after I got on my feet, then I would not have made a fuss. I would have understood and things would have gone a lot more smooth. But they broke up with me during one of the greatest transitions in my life. 

I have never been on my own before like this. I have never been so far away from my family, where I couldn't get anyone to help me. I trusted them to keep their word, at least if not to me, then to my god family and to my grandmother. 

I shared so much of my life with them and they did me "dirty." The worst part is they live right around the corner and they haven't come to check on me in like 3 months. They don't even care that I'm hurting and need their friendship and support the most right now. 

But, all of that is my reality, yet it is the past.

The thing about it is that even though they did me "dirty" I still love them and I still pray for them and encourage them in their walk with Christ. Their soul salvation is more important than all of this. Their relationship with God is more important than my walk to have them in my life or even to love me again. 

Each night that I pray for my family and friends I also pray that they are restored to full confidence and trust in God and fully walking in the truth, peace and love of God. I pray that their identity be stable in Christ Jesus. I pray that God fill them with Strength, patience, humility, peace, wisdom and agape love. 

When I met them that's how they were. Wise, humble, kind, filled with joy from the holy spirit. They always made me laugh and they were strong. They were focused on the Lord and they encouraged me to seek the Lord of myself. It was through their encouragement that helped me to get to where I am today. But it was the strength of God that sustained me through the fire and the "crushing." 

I don't wish them ill will. I do pray that they learn how to show love, during the times when things aren't going right in their life. I pray that for myself as well. I know that when I'm stressed and hurt I tend to take it out on others. I don't mean too, its not in me to be that way. If I'm aware of it in that moment I make sure to apologize quickly.

God is calling me to stand up in this strength that he has given me and I don't have any choice. He has moved to the side all of those who are not on my spiritual strength level or higher. I want my friends back. I want to go home. I want the love and laughter back. But, I have a duty and responsibility to be obedient to the commands of the Lord first. I know that God will restore all broken friendships, relationships and marriages in the name of Jesus. 

I have bold faith in God, his abilities and all that he has, can and will do. 

The "Protecting" Spirit: Take A Bullet For You

 

The thing about me is that whenever someone is hurt or sad I instantly go into this "guardian angel" type of mode. Where I feel responsible for bringing them out of whatever dark place they are in. When God moves me away from them, so that I can't help them by praying for them or giving them a hug or making silly faces. It breaks my heart.

I know what its like to suffer. To actually wish and hear myself say that I would rather here a "pretty lie, than the the ugly truth." But, that's only because when you are hurt, sad, depressed and you feel far from God, all you want is something to make you feel better.

Well, I realized that for my loved ones that were hurting (while I was in a good place) all I could do was pray for them. Whenever I see people hurt I want so much to hold them in my arms and absorb all their pain. Just like when I see a child cry, that's the first thing I think of to do, pick them and hold them so they feel loved, comforted and protected.
                             
It is not different with grown men and women, because all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior are my brothers and sisters.

But, like I said God has to move me sometimes, so that they can go through the crushing. The job of carry their cross is reserved for Jesus Christ alone. And when God feels that I'm "protecting" my loved ones too much from their life lessons, spiritual spankings or the "crushing." He will move me away and there won't be anything that I can do about it...

I would have gladly taken all their pain, on myself because I knew that I was strong enough to handle it. I will gladly take a bullet for them, if ever it came down to not just for them but for all my loved ones. That's just the type of person I am, at the end of the day. After all the makeup is off, and I'm finally out those 6 inch heels and in some flats. My hair is tied up and I'm ready for bed. I turn into a big "mama hen." And when people need love. I have enough of it to share. More than enough actually.

When I don't get to share that love, I feel my spirit die a little bit more each time. So, that's why I ask God to send people who not only need love but also those who are ready to receive. Because in the right spirit, I tap into the love of God in me and his love is powerful enough to heal. The love of God melts the bitterness and crust right off. I know it, because when someone else shared the love of God in them with me, that's exactly what it did for me.

And I thank God for that, every day.

Welcome To The Community: No One Knows Me Here

*Of course I'm a bit insecure, the person who brought me here unexpectedly dropped kicked my life to the curb in a strange new place where I don't know anyone, and then he cut me out of his life.... what am I suppose to do?*

Before I wrote this I had to pray. I need to start praying over every piece of writing, be long or short because I found out that sometimes people might take what I say the wrong way and assume the worst which is, that I don't appreciate their life when I do.

The other thing I learned tonight was that I'm still upset.

I also learned that people in this community don't know why I'm upset or why I act the way I do and so I'm about to let everyone know my reality (not my truth, because only the word of God is truth) so that they can know why I act. I'm a walking testimony. Every thing that has happen to me since I stepped foot in Woodbridge Virginia is apart of my testimony and I'm going to share it.

Chapter One: You don't Mistreat the People you Love

Before I came here, he was so excited to have me here. All we did was talk about how much fun we would have and how awesome it would be for me to meet all his friends. Now we share the same circle of friends and he doesn't even speak to me.

The reason why I'm pissed is because he told my family and god family that he didn't have any money to take me back home, yet I find out that he is going out to eat, buying new clothes and trying to "big ball" again. If anyone needs to get their life, it needs to be him.

See, I'm as "real as it comes." I was never that way though in the past. In the past someone would give me a "reality check" and I would start balling my eyes out. Now, when someone states how they feel. I internalize it, reflect, pray over it and then I draw a conclusion from it. If they really feel that way and I'm really acting that way, then I make every effort to make a change.

The one thing about me, that I told him before he became involved in my life is that "I'm a warrior for Gods love" "Don't tango with the lion..." and "I don't like liars. Be honest." But, what I learned is that people don't like confrontation. Whenever they have the opportunity to either confront the issue head on and apologize and move on in love, they will always choose to run. They don't want to accept that they are responsible for someone else being hurt. God won't honor you hurting his children (your brothers and sisters).

So what's the summary of the story?

I came out here because he said that he would help me get on my feet. He told me my family that he would take care of me. But when he lost his job, that's when he lost his mind. He has never been right since.

Orignially he was all about God, "You are going to church every single day." Fed me scriptures. Prayed with me. Introduced me to his bestie! WHOA! I felt like I had my own little family, for a little there. But, what I did not expect is for me to turn against me. Is for him to take out his frustrations and anger out on me because he was disobedient and lost his job.

I'm at a point now where I don't care if he never talks to me again.

I'm still going to write a book about what he did and everyone is going to know how hateful and mean he really is behind close doors. I'm also going to write about WHAT I DID, so the audience and see how it all played out. I'm going to write about how God started to deal with my heart and how I tried to make it right between us. I'm going to write about how he gave me the cold shoulder out in public.

If I really wanted to tear the roof off of this place, I would do it and not care. If I really wanted to show my behind out and treat him the way he treated me I would have done so a long time ago. But, I was trying to be patient. While he was "doing the most" (as that seems to be a popular term around here) I was praying for him in the corner. Praying for us.

The awesome thing about God is that no matter what situation we find ourselves in he will always send people to guide us through whatever we are going through and that's when God sent his bestie to step in and help get a grip on what was happening.

He dropped kicked my life to the curb, while I'm out in the middle of nowhere, not knowing anyone. And then walked around like it was no big deal. No explanation. Said that he had to "focus on God (using God as a scapegoat) because he was too much of a coward to tell me that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. The worst part is that he broke up with me in a text message. How cowardly in that? Dude get real!

The other thing I learned is this: No one knows me here...

Okay, so it just makes the entire situation that I'm in VALID. Thank you for verifying what I have been saying the entire time that I have been here.

HE DID THE MOST. KNOWING THAT NO ONE HERE KNOWS ME.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TRANSITION.

Then he pretended like none of it ever happen.

But still people were telling me that I shouldn't "talk about it."

How am I going to get help for my situation if no one knows that I need help?

Didn't the Lord say, "ask and ye shall receive?"

I'm ever thankful to God for sending his bestie to step in and be a good friend to me because he sure was not. I needed his support the most and he spit in my face, stepped on me while I was trying to stand on my feet then moved on laughing at me while he stepped all over the pieces of my broken heart.

And I'm suppose to be joyful about that?

But, what comes around goes around... that's for sure. Sure, God gives a mercy and grace, but just because you don't see an immediate consequece doesn't mean that it isn't coming. It might not be as severe as it could be do to mercy and grace, but God will be the judge of that.

The only thing I want now is for God for open a new door so I can move on with my life. Because I see now that he is too mature. I saw him at the holy ghost party Friday night and he didn't say one word to me. I felt myself getting heated, I was about to go up to hi and show my behind out. Scare him off, since he runs from everything anyway, but I didn't do that. I just enjoyed everyone else around me. And I silently thanked God for all the loving people that he placed infront of me to give love back to.

This entire experience will be one that I never forget. I know that God is about to launch me to the next level. I know that God is about to bless my life greatly and abundantly so.

The Weekend Before My Birthday: Airplane & NFL

Friday, December 13th 2013

I took my first plane ride to Charlotte, NC for my first NFL football game. The plan ride reminded me just of a roller coaster, at first.

I got to stay in a fancy hotel, called the Omni. I got to be in the city. I got to take a break from my life on the "battlefield" and just focus on enjoying myself.

Saturday December 14th 2013:

I went out to eat. I went to karaoke. I got to dance a little bit.

I met some really cool people. I had a nice time.

Sunday December 15th 2013:

I attended my first NFL football game. The panthers VS. The NY jets.

It was very exciting to see all the carolina fans get so hyped for their team. The staduim was pretty full. I was, of course freezing my toes off, but I told myself not to complain.

Overall Summary:

This entire journey has been the spiritual journey of firsts.

The first time I have been out on my own, completely on my own like no family can come and just pick me up and take me home.

The first time, I'm working, and living in an area that I was not familiar with.

The first time I road a plane.

The first time I attend an NFL game.

The first time I started my own business (two to be exact).

God is certainly working in my life. I'm excited about the new doors that he is opening, has opened. I'm sad that the person who brought me here doesn't want to be apart of the blessings, nor the love.

Today is my birthday. I received a lot of love from just about everyone, even people who I did not think would care that much. But, I was waiting and hoping for that one person to at least text or something. I didn't receive any happy birthday from them at all...

I wanted to cry. I wanted to see them and be like "hey, where ya been?" And in my head I thought they would be singing happy birthday with the rest of the bible study group. But they were not there. It feels very empty without them in my life.

I know that my life does not revolve around them or any man for that matter (except for Jesus Christ). But, the truth is I'm tried of missing them. I'm tired of wishing that things were different. I just want us to be on one accord already, walking in the love, peace and truth of God together. This time giving God all the glory. So that we can move on, in love and flow with the rest of the river. They are the only ones that are disconnected from me. *sigh* It hurts. It was my birthday for, crying outloud. They couldn't put their difference aside for one moment, just to text happy birthday?

But, God is good. Even though a piece of my heart broke on my birthday. God still sent people to give share his love with me. And at this point I don't have time to cry or worry about why they aren't speaking to me. I have a minstry to build. I also have people that need the gifts that God has placed in me. I will pray for them, as I have done ever since I met them. And let God handle the things that I do not understand. So I can do the work that God has called me to do.

 

Spirit Boxing: The "Flesh Check"

I still don't know why God has me in Woodbridge, Viriginia. I'm still baffled that out of all the places that he could have placed me, he decided to open the door for me to stay here. I'm not really sure what I'm suppose to do here to be honest and the less I know the more frustrated I become. I'm tired. I want to pack up my bags and throw in my towel and say "Forget it all!" I want to go back to what is comfortable...

But each time I'm about to throw it all away, the Lord sends someone to give me a "flesh check." I admit that I need it, but I don't always like it. Yet, how am I going to be the queen that God has called me to be if I am not listening to him when he speaks through his children?

Obedience, once again, is a must. And since I know this I will be held accountable if I do not obey.

I wanted a normal life. I thought would graduate high school. Go to college. Meet a successful man on wall street, get married, have babies and that would be my life. Oh! What a perfect great life...

                        
But, I should have known that nothing in my life would ever be easy or a walk in the park when my mother passed away. That was my ticket into this: amusement park in the first place. And now I can't get out. Even if I wanted to go back out in the world, I couldn't because I know too much. I can't run. I can't hide. *sigh* It is all very frustrating...

I don't know why God picked me. I didn't sign up for any of this. But here I am and I am forcing myself to try and make the best of it. There have been so many times when the "unthinkable" crossed my mind... *sigh*

I feel like I'm trapped. Like I'm in a prison. Stuck in a cycle of neverending "can you give me a rides" and "I'll pay you back when I can..." I know that God will bless those who have helped me, been kind, given me advice, gave me a hug and or have been extremely patient with me during this process.

Yeah... that's what this is a process. A grooming process. Where God is cutting out all the things that are not holy, righteous and clean in his sight. It hurts! Its' uncomfortable! It makes me feel angry, tired, frustrated, annoyed! But, in my right thinking and spirit I know that it is good for me. I know that God loves me. I know that in the end it will be not only for my own good but also for the good of those that he has me helping to lead, with my husband one day.

I'm sad that none of the guys that I have dated thus far have been strong enough to stand beside me during this time. I could really use a friend right now. But, maybe God is cleaning them up too, and when the time is right, in the spirit God will send them back into my life. Two hurt people can't help nor encourage one another nor encourage anyone else for that matter. Hurt begets hurt.

It would be so much easier to run to another state and start all over. Dye my hair. Change my name. Put on an accent or even move out of the country (which I'm really considering actually because this is just ridiculous... lol). I want to go to a place where I can express myself in all and every way that is self respecting, through art, fashion, and singing. I see makeup and clothes as art. I see myself differently than most of the people around here. They just look a shirt and think, "Oh, its just a shirt." I look at a shirt and think it is a color from Gods' paint brush.

I know who am and whose I belong to. And when you know that and you walk in it and others don't it often brings up jealousy and miscommunication. "OH, she thinks she's better than everyone else..." No, I just know about me and if you seek God for yourself instead of worring about me then you will know who you are and whose you belong too.

But...

I have been on the spiritual battlefield for awhile now. And I admit that I'm not always as strong as I would like to think I am. There are days when I just want to crawl in a cave and tune everyone and everything out. Where I want to let go of all this passion and love for life. If my spirit ever gets that low, then I'm in trouble because that's when the spirit of suicide creeps. I know it, because I actually had that spirit on me a couple of times. It was like someone blew out the light in my soul. I was walking around like a zombie. I could feel the shift in my spirit. From loving people and wanting to be a better woman each day. To not caring about anything or anyone at all...

It is called emptiness and if you ever get that low in your life when you feel that way, you should find someone who is strong in their spirit and walk with Christ to pray with you. Its not a joke. Suicide is not a joke! It happens every single day. That's why we have to be mindful of our brothers and sisters through Christ. What they are going through. Yeah, I know. Sometimes when we get into arguments in that moment the only thing we want to do is "be right" and "win the fight" so we say whatever it is to make the other person bend to our will, but at the price of what? What really did we gain by making them bend to our will? No it is not worth it... Nope, it is just not worth it.



 

 

When Daddy Comes Home: Bruised But Not Defeated

Thank you God for my new job. Thank you for my own new car. Thank you for this house I live in, the bed I sleep in. Thank you God for the lady I stay with. Thank you God for the good health in my grandmothers' body. Thank you God for your faithfulness, protection, mercy, grace and peace in and over my life. Thank you God for your love in me. Thank you God for your light in me. Thank you God for opening all the doors that you want me to walk through. Thank you God for filling my life with loving, caring, kind of heart followers of Christ, who are passionate and on fire for your love. 

Reflection of Bible Study 10-14-2013 (Take A Back Seat)

What I took from bible study: Is that God wants me to sit back. To stop giving so much. I give so much to everyone else that I don't have any energy left to take care of myself with. I care about Gods people. I want to see them happy, successful. So I spend the majority of my time praying for others, because I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW that GOD moves quickly when I pray for other people. I feel joy when I get to hear someone tell me that they received that job that they have been praying for, or God opened a new door in some kind of way... 

I enjoy attending bible study, because it is the only real time, other than church when I get to be around others who are truly passionate about God the way I am. 

But this time, instead of always being first to speak or always being the leader. I felt God telling me to sit back and observe. To be vigilant. Watchful. I did very little talking last night. 

I have many revelations throughout the week, but the one that is most strongest is about forgiveness. 

The only thing I want to do is apologize to him to his face. That's it. I just want things to be right between us. Even if he doesn't want to be my friend afterward that's okay but at least I got to apologize so the weight on my heart would not be so heavy. 

That's all that pray for that God will send him back into my life so I can apologize and move on... 

I will never understand why he chose to just turn his back on me and close the door to even a friendship, even after promising that he would be there for me and that we would still be friends.... 

You just don't treat people that way. Say one thing and then do another. I'm not perfect, but I would never turn my back on someone that I claimed to care about and love. Even if we were not in agreement on everything in life, so what? we are not always going to agree on everything. God made us unique individuals. 

But at the core, to give up on someone that you claim to love and care about because you are jealous of them or you don't like what they said or how they responded or whatever... is childish and petty. I'm done with the foolishness. 

I just want to apologize to his face, then go on my way because I know that God has greater and better things in store for me. 

I love him very much. I thank God that he sent him into my life to bring me closer to him(GOD). I pray that he stays focused on GOD, only. And walk in the path that God predestined for him to walk. In the name of Christ Jesus. The son of the living God. Amen. 

As Long As You Are Happy: Spiritual Beatings (Real Love doesn't Quit)

I don't think God sent me here to be a famous superstar, despite what I post on my facebook. I have a strong feeling that God opened the door for me to be here so that I could a blessing to another family's life. 

My family really doesn't need me that much right now, anyway. My grandmother is taken care of. She has her little back. Food. A roof over of her head. It may not be her "dream" place but at least she has her independence. That is what she really wants to maintain. 

The aunt that I lived with for some years, finally has made peace with the choice her daughter made. My aunt is a grandmother. I don't think that she could be any happier, at this point in her life. I never seen my aunt have such a soft side. When I grew up with her she was straight military (considering she was in the navy for who knows how long lol). Also, the mother daughter bond that she has with her daughter is so much closer. That is another thing that I prayed for, for my aunts life, outside of peace in her heart mind soul and spirit. But, like I said God can clean up anyone for his glory....

Reflection of the Weekend (part 1): Proverbs 3:5

Trust in Yahweh with all your heart, and 

don't lean on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

Sometimes when we lean to our own 

understanding we actually close doors that 

God would have gladly opened for us. When 

we try to do things our way, we limit the 

abundance of blessings that God has for our 

life. We get stuck in our own minds and 

believe that we are larger than life by our 

own ability; we limit ourselves from fully 

growing in our walks with Christ. 

A part of humility is saying "no, I don't know 

everything. What I know I only know in part. 

God has to provide the rest..." and when 

asked God will present you with the perfect 

solution to a problem that you may have had 

for many years, all because you believed you 

had all the correct answers when in reality 

they were not. 

To God be the glory

Thanking God for his protection (extended commentary)

Thanking God for his protection:

 

 

 I wanted to start the car yesterday early in the evening just before that temporary rain storm came. The car would not start. I sat in that car for about an hour. It was extremely hot and the sun beat down through the window right on the key and the ignition causing it to burn my fingers every time I tried to start it.

After a few more minutes I...

.

got upset, then stomped my way back to the apartment. Then the second I was safely inside It started to rain. The wind howled, tree branches tossed around.
I heard the ambulance sirens blaring frantically! It was then that my grandmother came out of her room and said "Guess you don't have to move your car right now, its raining..."

After the storm passed, I went back outside to move the car that I'm driving and it instantly started up.

I think that car has a mind of its own, or its somehow connected to my spirituality.

I don't know what God has planned for me, but I do know that my life is very quiet and in the past when my life was quiet it meant that something big was on the way.

I feel like God is trying to prepare me for something. I wish I knew what it was....

 

 

Lesson: God does not want us to move before his time, anything outside the WILL of GOD can lead to all sorts of trouble or move out of the way so you can avoid being in the wrath of God.

Testimony: God is always on Time (full story)

God is always on time: Testimony. 

 

 

All I can do is thank God for his mercy and grace over my life

I'm poor, broken, needy, and blind and I need God every single day.

Thank you Father, God for your kindness, your humility, your truth and your love.

I don't deserve your love, but you love me anyway.

 

I felt pretty good when I woke up this morning. I got up, put my clothes on and was ready to head to this new church that I was introduced to...

But when I walked outside the car that I'm currently using was not out there. It was gone! At first I thought I parked it in another area. Then I thought it was stolen. I was freaking out because I was trying to make it to the 9am prayer service. Since I want to be a prayer warrior one day, I figured what better place to start than to immerse myself into where the action is at?

But I didn't make it. God had other plans for me.

I saw the police officer sitting in his vehicle, with the window rolled down talking to the towing guy. So I walked up to him and ask him if he had any information on the car that I was driving... he told me that they towed it.

He told me to go the police station to get the information on where I could pick it up.

When I got to the police station, he had already radioed the officer sitting at the desk. The officer said that he couldn't find it (more stress for me!)

So I walked around downtown seeing if I had placed it somewhere else, just in case. Then I concluded that it had been stolen.

When I got back to the police station that officer that I had first spoken to was there and he had all the information lined up for me and filled out ready to go.

I was pissed because the officer at the desk who was suppose to be doing his job clearly sent me on a wild goose chase when he knew that my car had been towed all along. He was just too lazy to look for it.

I frantically called my god brother and his wife to come and help me. I didn't want to call my aunt because I knew that she would fuss and roll her eyes...

During that time, while I was waiting for them to arrive at the police station to pick me up so we could go to the towing facility. I found myself in a parking deck talking first talking to my aunt then right after talking to God.

After I got off the phone with my aunt, I was upset and I prayed and prayed and prayed and asked God to please help me...

God sent me two angels in that moment (and two more after that moment)..., Tony and Amanda to help me through a moment of confusion. They stopped and asked me if they could help me, because they heard me crying. I asked them if they knew how to pray. I could tell that neither of them really know "how" to pray, but Amanda stepped out on faith and prayed with me anyway and Tony supported her. They both had the kindest eyes. I could tell they had the love of Christ in their hearts.

Love recognizes Love.

After they prayed with me. I thanked them. Then disappeared but I continue to stand in the area trying to calm down from all the frustration. Then unexpectedly Tony and Amanda came back and around put some money in my hands. They said, "this is all we have but we hope that it helps..." I was so shocked at their kindness and desire to help me. They kept saying that they wished they could do more. All I could do was stare at the money and say thank you God over and over. It don't run into kind hearted people every day. That's how I knew they were sent from God.

I was already upset because the car got towed, but to make matters worse my aunt didn't seem to care very much. She is so practical when it comes to other matters but when it comes to me, she is indifferent. Any other person would have said, "what do you need?" "I'm on the way..." but no not her... too much of a hassle to help lil ol' me.

You know, if my mother were alive I wouldn't even bother my aunt for anything. But sometimes she forgets that her sister's heart lives in me. And when she acts indifferent to me or doesn't care. She is actually breaking her sisters heart (my mother's heart)....

Anyway, my god brother and his wife arrived and they took me to the towing place. They had to pay because I did not have the money.

Everything went smooth. We went to get some food while we waited for the tow truck guy to come back and unlock the gate.

After about 30 minutes (plus) the tow truck guy came back. I was able to get the car. Then after my god brother, his lady wife and I went to their church service. It starts later in the evening which worked out perfectly into the schedule of that day.

The whole purpose of me getting up, was because I had my heart set on going to church. But even though I didn't make it to the service I wanted to go to I made to the service that God needed me to be.

He sent confirmation on something that I had been dealing with for awhile: Patience.

I thank God that he put it in Tony and Amanda's heart to stop what they were doing to pray with me.
I also thank God that he put it in my god brother's and his lady wife's heart to help me also. They could have told me now. They could have said they don't have it. But when I asked for their help they didn't fuss or arguing or say anything that would cause me to feel bad about asking for help....

I'm going through an interesting phase in my life, because this is the time when I really need my mother. All the way. But I know that God is going to take care of me. I know that it will all work out the way that it should...