Boring: If This is Hell (Cry Of The Warrior)

The only thing that is keeping me sane are my blogs and my journals. If this is hell then Jesus get me out of here because I'm bored. The only other time I was bored to death was when I was stuck in Virginia. 

I wish I could call God and ask him why he keeps putting me in these country ass situations, where I'm around families and kids all the time. Please, don't get me wrong kids are great, but as a single woman with no kids and trying to live my life I feel different about things. 

Young mothers' and fathers' care about the things that their children say and do, naturally they are the parent. But I don't. This is my time to be a little bit selfish in life. I spent enough of my time trying to build that "family life" that God approves of and now I don't' want to anything to do with it. 

When I first mentioned that if God didn't send my husband then all I wanted was money and motorcycle. I got a lot of flake for saying that from "small community Christians." 

I look at things differently. You have some that are in the military who strictly sit behind a desk all day and process papers. They are still considered soldiers. Then you have others who are out in the field who actually fight on the battlefield. Their perspective on life is a little bit different than the solider sitting behind the desk. 

That is how I feel about meeting Christians who have mommy to breast-feed them at 30 and daddy to kiss their boos and scrapes late into their 20's. Time to get off the nipple. I was so annoyed in Virginia because that's all I was around cookie cutter Christians. I only met like two who were actually warriors for Gods' love and understood about the "fight." Everyone else was clueless. How is your dad a pastor and a mom a teacher and you're clueless to what spiritual warfare is all about or you run from it? 

Please get me some soldiers who already know how to fight, in Jesus NAME. I can't have rookies watching my back. In translation: I was out in the field with rookies watching my back and that's when I got attacked big time. I'm still in recovery so to speak. A bit traumatized but its nothing that God himself, can't fix. Don't need a shrink to try and empathize with me. Just need some serious praise and worship time around people who are Warriors like myself. 

There was a point when I thought that a few of the rookies really understood what I was saying, but then I realized they were capable of understanding about spiritual warfare but they didn't know how to conduct themselves on the battlefield. Its like talking about a war that you only watched from a distance, but never actively took part in. You see all the moves and methods but you are not the one making them. 

So, I fought alone with the strength of God backing me. 

Chapter 3: Call To Greatness (Rise of the Queen) (Part 1)

Chapter 3: 

She had to step down from her position as the Queen because she knew that she was not setting the most "conventional" example of what a woman of God is suppose to represent. 

Instrument of War: (Wrath and Righteous Anger)

It is only by the use of the Word of God and

Through Christ Jesus that any human can have any real power that can rise against evil forces. 

These are recordings of a day in the life of a Queen through Christ. 

Her every day struggles of what a realistic walk with Christ can be like. No one is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. Yet, some criticize, stand back and wait for you to fall and die. While others stand and gaze on with a tinge of admiration that quickly turns into jealousy. 

But, not to be discouraged. 

Revelation about Beauty: Beauty From Pain

Some women get to be Mary Poppins, Others get to be GI Jane. 

Sometimes you get to pick. Other times life picks for you. 

The 21 Day Fast Is Over: Come on God, lets go! Been here too long.

I'm ready to move on with my life. I have been here for 6 months and although, I have met some awesome people. I don't feel like I'm going to get much done here, for what I need to take care of. 
I want to go to a place where I can finally use my gifts to their maximum. I like opera and I like classical music. Those two combinations would probably bore most of the community here. 

I miss my grandmother. I miss being around the people that I can vibe with. With the people that I know love and care about me. Many here have been very kind, yes and I'm thankful for their kindness. But, its nothing like having your own family and friends to be around. A lot of these young men and women have known each other from high school or from when the church first got started. So, its awkward to still be in the group when he is not there. I feel like, an abandon pup, that lost its pack and had to tag along with another pack just to be taught how to survive etc...

I honestly, can't believe that I'm still here. I thought I would have either been home by now or moved to Alexandria or even out of the state. But, nope. I'm still here. 

I designated this journey as the: Journey of firsts, because much of what I have been exposed to and or done has been a first time experience. For example I just got done doing a 21 day D****** fast (*ugh* out of all the fasts in the bible it had to be that one, right? <insert sarcasm-why don't you pour some salt on my wounds while your at it. No better yet, just take the knife and stab me in the back in the same place where the wound is, yeah, that's more like it! It really hits the spot! More torture). 

But, that fast is over, so I'm going to make a video blog about all the things that happen to me during the fast and all the changes that I went through during it. 

Anyway: I'm in a poetic mood. I decided to put all of the poems I wrote this morning into this space, so they would all be in one location:

The "VOICE OF REASON"

I have been in Woodbridge Virginia for about 6 months and the only thing that has changed is: me. People seem to be envious of that. You would think that "Christians" those who go to church every Sunday, work in the church nursery, praise and worship God right beside me would be glad that I finally made the choice to let God take over my life. But no. They still hold grudges. They still have unpleasant things to say about me. The funny part is that they think that I don't know. But, I know as much as the Lord allows me to hear and to see. So, I do "know." 

I Love You More Than I Love Myself

My child like heart died when they broke up with me. I came here thinking that they were going to help me get on my feet. I came here believing that they would have my back. But, the reality is that they did have my "back" and then they turned their back on me and walked away...

They promised my god family and my grandmother that they would take care of me. If they would have waited to break up with me after I got on my feet, then I would not have made a fuss. I would have understood and things would have gone a lot more smooth. But they broke up with me during one of the greatest transitions in my life. 

I have never been on my own before like this. I have never been so far away from my family, where I couldn't get anyone to help me. I trusted them to keep their word, at least if not to me, then to my god family and to my grandmother. 

I shared so much of my life with them and they did me "dirty." The worst part is they live right around the corner and they haven't come to check on me in like 3 months. They don't even care that I'm hurting and need their friendship and support the most right now. 

But, all of that is my reality, yet it is the past.

The thing about it is that even though they did me "dirty" I still love them and I still pray for them and encourage them in their walk with Christ. Their soul salvation is more important than all of this. Their relationship with God is more important than my walk to have them in my life or even to love me again. 

Each night that I pray for my family and friends I also pray that they are restored to full confidence and trust in God and fully walking in the truth, peace and love of God. I pray that their identity be stable in Christ Jesus. I pray that God fill them with Strength, patience, humility, peace, wisdom and agape love. 

When I met them that's how they were. Wise, humble, kind, filled with joy from the holy spirit. They always made me laugh and they were strong. They were focused on the Lord and they encouraged me to seek the Lord of myself. It was through their encouragement that helped me to get to where I am today. But it was the strength of God that sustained me through the fire and the "crushing." 

I don't wish them ill will. I do pray that they learn how to show love, during the times when things aren't going right in their life. I pray that for myself as well. I know that when I'm stressed and hurt I tend to take it out on others. I don't mean too, its not in me to be that way. If I'm aware of it in that moment I make sure to apologize quickly.

God is calling me to stand up in this strength that he has given me and I don't have any choice. He has moved to the side all of those who are not on my spiritual strength level or higher. I want my friends back. I want to go home. I want the love and laughter back. But, I have a duty and responsibility to be obedient to the commands of the Lord first. I know that God will restore all broken friendships, relationships and marriages in the name of Jesus. 

I have bold faith in God, his abilities and all that he has, can and will do. 

Spiritual Maturity (Part 1)

When you allow God to take over your heart, mind, body, soul and spirit he can mature you as fast or as slow as he wants to. Sometimes he will keep putting you in the same situation just with different people, to see if you have learned the "theme" of the lesson. Other times he will separate you from everyone and anyone that you use to be "friends" with, to show you that you can only depend and rely on him (God).

God is maturing me at an incredibly fast rate. Since I stepped foot in VA, it was been the Journey of "firsts." I'm reading and mediating on scripture more, attending church regularly and actually give God all my praise now, attending bible study, singing at concert with an awesome community group choir, fasting and praying none stop 24/7.... I'm changed. I'm still changing. Like I said before, this is certainly spiritual bootcamp and I am defintely being prepared for something great.

I wish I knew what it was, but I suppose that if I knew then I would try to help God teach me. Hahaha. God doesn't need my help to do anything. I need his, daily.

Even the people that I thought I was suppose to "look up" too now seem immature to me. I'm gravely disappointed that the people I thought were my friends here, are really not. The hurtful thing is that they smile in my face each time they see me, but I really see their true colors now. Matter of fact I know that they were ones to aid in the entire downfall of my "happiness." All because they were jealous. But, to God be the glory. I don't hold a grudge against them. I still love them. Because even when Jesus knew that Judas was going to betrayed him he still treated him with love.

But, it just makes me more aware now. I'm not like them. I will never be like them and I don't care to be. I like fashion. I like makeup. I like going on adventures and starting projects. And most of all I like to protect all the sheep, not just one or a few. I watch out for everyone. Whoever is most in need, is who I offer to help first. If they accept it. Then wonderful. If not, that is there choice too.

I'm at a point in my life, where I don't have time for the games. The fake friends. If you knew how they were why didn't you pull me to the side and let me know something, instead of keeping me in the dark? But like I said, it doesn't matter. Because I have surpassed all of them in a very unique way and all I'm concerned about is going to the next level in my walk with Christ.

Glory be to God.

 

Vengence Is Mine, saith the Lord

I'm still in shock at the events that have taken place so far.

I can't believe that I'm stuck in Woodbridge, Virginia. But, beyond that I still can't believe that he broke up with me at one of the most critical points in my life. Even now, he knows that I am away from my family and my loved ones and yet, he still hasn't reached out to say anything.

I'm not even upset or angry anymore about the whole thing. I'm just in disbelief. Like, how could you treat a person like that? No matter how horrible acting someone was to me, I still wouldn't boot them to the curb knowing that they didn't have any family around to support them.

How could he just give up on me when I needed his support the most? He wouldn't want someone to do that to him. No one should be treated that way.

I can't believe that I'm stuck out here with no family, in the middle of nowhere. I don't have a car to get anywhere with, I'm running out of food and I still have yet to receive my winter clothes. Job opportunities are flooding my inbox but because they are all in Arlington, Maryland, DC etc I can't get to them. I'm running out of money on my metro-card and my entire life is falling apart...

And the person who brought here and promised to stand by my side through all of this, well... he doesn't care that I'm sad, hurting, lonely, missing my family. wow... I can't believe this! And the worst part is NO ONE IS SAYING ANYTHING TO DEFEND ME! They smile in my face on a regular basis, they say how much they love JESUS and GOD, SO if they are so filled with the love of Jesus then why doesn't someone say something to him. They know this situation is MESSED UP! They wouldn't want to be in anything like this! But of course, people don't start caring until it happens to them. I like to see the good in everyone, but even Christians can be selfish.

Wow, I can't wait until I get out of this situation.

That's all I'm praying for. Because I WILL NEVER TRUST ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. Yes, I thank God for his life and for using him to ignite passion in my spirit and soul to get into the word. Yes, I thank God that he used him to get me on the right track to living a righteous life, to being move loving, praying more, leaning on God more. He was the one that brought me to his church in the first place. Told me that I would go to church every single Sunday and while we were together that is exactly what we did.

But, I'm disappointed at how we both allowed our flesh, other people and the devil separate what God put together. We were suppose to praise him while we were together! Thanking God for one another and for every opportunity to excel in life. And we got distracted from the purpose.

It is cruel to live in the same town, go to the same bible study, the same church, know the same people and not have him speak to me. Not a "hi!" Not a "hey! are you okay?" Nothing. Who treats people like that? How does a person claim to love God and then they treat someone indifferently? I reflected on how I acted. It was not godly. But, I repented. And even asked God to give me the courage to apologize to his face. I did. And I thought I would receive the same in return but....yeah.

So, all of those who say "make sure you point the finger at yourself" YOU ARE TOO LATE! I already have.

But, I do know one thing. That God doesn't like ugly. I know because in previous years when I mistreated someone that God placed in my life to love me, not long after bad things started to happen. I couldnt' find a job. My car started acting up. All kinds of drama that I could have avoided if I would have just knew how to rebuke my flesh and walk in love!

No, I don't wish for ill-will on anyone. Those are just examples. But, we reap what we sow. I know both ends of that too.

But, not to put all the blame on him it is my fault too. I read the word, but I was not active in walking in it. I got too excited and moved before Gods' timing.

But, I know that even though he abandon me during this transition that GOD is greater than all of this. And, all I have to do is wait on the Lord to deliver me from this. Forgiveness, is easy that's why I can write about this without a lot profanity and hate behind my words.

I was created to write. I don't run, nor hide, now cower from the truth of what I did and how they reacted to what I did. I admit that I messed up, but I sought forgiveness to his face. And he has yet to do that in my direction. I hope he doesn't think that a text message is a good way to apologize to someone. Because that is just as worse, as if he hadn't said it at all.

So, I'm praying, that we will get past all of this. Forgive one another wholeheartedly. Walk in a unified peace and receive the blessings that God has been waiting to give us, since we were separated. Glory be to GOD!

Kingdom Minded: Daddy, Is He The One???

A few main things that a lady should ask herself before she even thinks about praying to ask God if he is "the one" or not:

1. What is his relationship with God like? Does he even have a relationship with God? Does he put and keep God first in every decision that he makes?

2. How does he treat his mother? What is his relationship with his mother like? Does he respect her? What does he say about her when he is around her and what does he say when he is not around her?

3. What is attitude toward life like? Is he always looking at all the negative things in life? Does he complain when things don't go his way? Or does he pray and trust that God will fix it?

4. Is he standing as a leader? Is he kingdom minded? Does he love God? Does he seek to sow seeds of kindness and love wherever he goes? Is he committed, consistent, constant to(in) his walk with Christ?

Why would God send me a king through Christ if I'm not even walking in the position that he (A Queen through Christ) has called me to rise to many months ago?

I can't ask my husband to be all the things that I'm not. If I want him to be a strong leader then I have to be a strong leader to. Naturally some situations are debateable but for general purposes that's how it is.

I attend a women's leadership conference, entitled: Arise. And I learned a lot from other Christian women who were both single and married. It was so nice to see so many young married Christian women. It gave me hope, that God has someone out there for me too.

But then I started thinking... I keep saying that I want the "perfect man..." but am I the "perfect woman" that he is looking for? I had to get really, real with myself about answering that question, which wasn't impossible to do.

When came to the realization of my answer I realized that in my life I had made a lot of mistakes for why I wasn't getting things done, blaming other people for this and for that. When the truth of the situation was simple: It all has to do with me. Yes, people can play a role in situations, but how I reacted to those situations, what I said, what I did, the thoughts that popped into my mind played the biggest role.

Yes, my thoughts and how I reacted to those situations played the greatest roles. If I would have approached the situations with patience, the love of Christ in my heart then many of the pains that I went through more than likely could have been avoided.

If I would have taken the time to pray more and worry less. Then right now the person I love and care about the most would probably be a speaking terms. But, in my flesh I got mad. I was selfish. I wanted things "my way or the highway." I had a bad attidue and looked at the negative in everything. Always stressing. Always worrying. Have little next to no faith in God.

Why would any man want to marry that? A worrier. A nagger. A doubter? The answer is they wouldn't. If I am to be a good wife. An excellent helpmate. I have to walk in the love, peace and truth of God daily. Not just on the days when he makes me feel loved and "special." I have to put and keep God first no matter what situations that my husband and I go through. I have to put all my faith, truth, hope and confidence in God leaning on his word; continuing to be an example of the love of God so just in case my husband is not at his best and having an off day, he can look at me and be inspired, encouraged to keep fighting against the negative.

This world is hard enough, why make it more difficult by being selfish and mean?

The truth is, that all the things that I am fully aware of now. I was vaguely famililar with. Like I saw the movie title but I did not see the preview type of deal. So, i knew that I should be sweet, nice, king and show love. But I did not know how to walk in it properly. And when I tried to do it on my own I failed miserably. What was I missing?

Answer: The word of GOD.
         
It is easy to say that you love someone, but DO YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEONE the way the bible (the way GOD) says you should love someone?

Do you get upset and cut them out of your life when they say something you don't like?

If you do that's not showing love. And when I thought about that, I was like "wow! That's really opposite of how God says to love...."

Do you throw a tantrum whenever someone doesn't do what you say, when you want?

If you do that's not showing love either.

Do you talk about someone's behavior during one of their off days and blog it to the whole wide world, because you don't understand the situation and you are mad at them?

If you do (and I'm guilty of doing that, had to repent and apologize asap!) then that's not showing love.

God would never blog about all the mistakes that I did and all the times that I wasn't at my very best. I choose to write about those times because my life is a testimony and every major life change that I go through I want people to see what God taught, how God changed me and how he (God) worked it all out... In other words all the glory goes back to GOD!

But, God does not favor that type of behavior. And when I realized that I did those things I had to repent immediately and apologize. Then I had to change the way I think about writing. Writing should never be a tool to cut down or destroy someone else. It should be used to encourage, support and uplift someone else at all times.

So I had to get really serious about changing. And it started with asked God to "Renew in me a clean heart and the right spirit."

In the past I would ask God to do that, but I did not fully believe that he would. So, I rebuked the doubt, fear and uncertainty and I jumped head first into the pool of Gods' promises.

I want to be the most loving, caring, supportive, dedicated, kind, gentle, meek, patient, wise, humble wife that my husband will ever be married to. I want him to see the light and love of God shine through me every day no matter what situation that life throws my way. I want him to look at me and when he feels weak, know that he can come to me and I will help him (because I'm his helpmate), through prayer, reading the word (scriptures) find God in order for him to get back to being strong in the Lord again.

I want to be so rooted in the word of God, that God will fill me with the wisdom, strength, and love to help my husband deal with any and all situations that he life may throw at him.

I want to be supportive. But most of all I want to love my husband. I us to put, keep and love God with all our heart(s) together. I want us to pray, read the bible, go to bible study, be active members in church, minister, stand as leaders, teach and share the love of God together... with those who need it the most.

But before any of that can happen I have to allow God to get me straight and in order and focused. So when God sends my husband I will already be prepared. And he and I won't have to waste time having God to do too much "clean up" in our lives. And we can get started, together, on teaching and preaching the gospels all over the world (if that is what God leads us to do).

It is not impossible, because I have God on my side. And all things are possible with God on my team.



 

 

Realistic Fairy-tale Wedding, Marriage and Life

I want to be with a man who, when I run to him because I need help he says, "baby I'll take care of it." I want my husband to be so rooted in God that the second I step into the room he can tell if I'm in the right spirit or not. I want to look into his eyes and see more than just lust. I see depth, passion, life, joy, hope, strength. When I'm in his arms I want to fall asleep knowing that I'm protected and safe. I want him to be thoughtful, have a heart of compassion for others. I want him to be romantic (not every day of course lol let's be realistic but during those moments when I'm feel particularly needy that's when he needs to come up with something creative to remind me that I'm loved. 

It is very hard to have a life where you don't have any immediate family around you. And yes, there is the church family but at night they go home to their immediate families and I go home alone. Even, the lady I live with I'm very thankful for her life and for allowing me to stay here. 
But I hear her children and grand daughter playing, laughing and talking throughout the house and it makes me sad a little bit in my spirit. That's the one thing that I have always wanted ever since I lost my mother was a family. My own family. I love to love Gods people and when I don't have anyone around to share all this love with, it makes me feel useless and disconnected from God. 

Pray and Praise God through the Fire: (Going Away Present) *Strongest of the Strong Testimony*

I was tired of the tears, the sleepless nights and not wanting to eat. I lost so much weight due the stress of the entire situation that I was in. But, To God be the glory! For being a faithful and loving God. 

 My flesh said "That's messed up that he would break up with me when I'm in such a critical transition, when I needed him the most spiritual and emotionally. After saying I love and care about you, you are just going to run away when things get tough are you SERIOUS????????????????????????????????????"

The First And Second Day As An Assistant Teacher: Teach Me How To Love

I'm so close to a breakthrough that I can feel it.


I let my mind play tricks on me, because I felt like I wasn't where I am suppose to be. But, God would not keep me here if he did not mean for me to be here. I know that much. I have met some really amazing men and women of God. They are on fire for Gods love like me! When I get around them and my candle light seems low. They just know what to say or to do to set it back aflame again. The only thing is that I have to keep my might burning bright. I can not let the devil blow it out!

The first day of classes:

I was partly nervous, walking into the school knowing that I had 22 students in one class to learn all their names and then about 14 in the other class to learn names of as well. Phew! I just start calling them, "sweetheart and young lady and young man" instead lol But God is good and he got me through the first day without any major complications.

I don't know why children were placed on my heart. I never grew up wanting to babysit or even be around babies, but somehow when I get around children I transform into a completely different woman. I'm every bit like the virtuous woman that is described in proverbs 31. And most importantly I'm happy.

We did arts and crafts. I took them outside. I took them to lunch. I pretty much just helped out as much as I was needed. The first class is of kindergartners. They are a sassy bunch, but such a joy to be around.

The second class I go to is pre-k's. There are only a couple of them that get fresh from time to time, but most of them are still crying for their mommies and daddies. In that class they have nap time and that's when I come in to make sure that they are not kicking their neighbor in their sleep or talking.

I was pretty happy when the first day ended. Overall it was a good day.

The second day of classes:

I started out the day with a lot on my mind. I know that the "unexpected event" was not due to because I did not love enough, because before the unexpected event I loved them as best as I knew how. I'm not use to a man treating me kindly. I'm not use to men thinking much of me at all. So, when I met them my shield was up and there was a force field around my heart. But such is life, that when you trust a man, they end up breaking your heart for reasons that sometimes they don't even know themselves. "I care about you, but I also don't care enough to not break your heart..." And such is life from there....

That's why we have to be very careful about what we say to people and how we say it. When you say you love someone you better mean it or else you will be held accountable. But that goes for everything, even if you say hateful words or sow seeds of discord too. I don't tell people that I love or care about them unless I mean it and I also don't call everyone friend. Not everyone that smiles in my face has my best interest at heart. So I have to tap into the gift of discernment and wait for God to give me directions.

Birds of a feather, flock together. So, I want to fly with the Eagles and be a Winner!

There are some forms of mediocrity that are more difficult to rise above than others, but when you come to an obstacle that you feel is too hard to climb. That's when you need to get those knee pads out and stay on your knees in prayer until you get your breakthrough. Thank you God for the breakthrough. 

To God be the glory! 

Live Inside of Your Dreams: The Biological Family (Dream)

The truth is, that it doesn't matter where I go in life I will be alone and that is something that I'm learning to accept...

There is never a day that I don't thank God for the families that he has placed me in, but now I feel as if my task and purpose for the so called: "biological" family has been fulfilled.

God places me in different families for different reasons. He needed me around the "biological" family so that I could remind them of my mothers heart. But now that they have their own lives and they are too distracted and or have no want to care about me, they also reject the heart that belongs to her that lives in me....

I admit that I have to remember that I can never stay too long with anyone family, because then I won't want to leave when God calls me to move.

I have tried to have friends. I have also tried to be apart of a family but I'm a "lone" wolf what can I say... I have always been that way. Then even if I wanted to be and or feel apart I would still feel separate because no matter where I go or which family I'm placed in I'm always the "different" one. The one that doesn't quite fit anywhere... so I do the best I can and then I move on.

But here is the reason I'm writing about this...

First let me say that I rarely have dreams, but when I do I remember them very vividly. Every detail. Every feeling within that detail. It is almost as if I physically lived in the scene that I dreamt.....hmmm.

Anyway...

I had a dream that I walked out of my grandmothers senior home, ready and eager to meet my "biological" family (My eldest aunt, her children, my second eldest aunt, her daughter and son, my sister and step dad...).

We were meeting at an Italian restaurant across the street of the senior facility. I don't remember what for, but I know that I was sort of rushing because I wanted to be on time.

When I finally arrived, they were all sitting outside in a sort of circle. They all stared at me as I looked around for a seat. Then they started to all talk at once to one another, as if they had not noticed that I was looking for a place to sit.

I finally found a place next to my cousin (the one that is married) and she and I made small talk, but the conversation disgusted me so much because I could see right through the fakeness. The fake care. She didn't really want to be talking to me.

She started talking to her husband.

So I turned my head to the other side and was greeted by the face of my eldest cousin. He has always been a very quiet, observant individual (I believe that he has spirit gifts that the rest of the family doesn't understand because they are too consume with 1. maintaining their "good" image in the community and 2. keeping up with what the world is doing).

He greeted me with the biggest and warmest of smiles with a "HEY!" As if he had not seen me in years. He also discerned that it was physically making me sick to be around such "fakeness" and mediocrity. So I smiled back and him. Then got up to leave. My eldest aunt (in her haughty princess like manner) asked "where are you going?" (the underline tone was: Oh, she thinks she is too good to hang out with us....)

I replied with a respectful and gentle, "nowhere..."
Then I continued to walk back to the senior home. No one else made any objections about me leaving.

I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to double check to see if anyway cared that I was leaving, but they were all immersed in their (collective) world, with the new baby, my cousin and her husbands life/lifestyle etc all family stuff...

It was at the moment in the dream where I felt my heart break in the real world. I knew that, that was the truth and also the death of a world that I once wanted to be apart of and felt safe in.

The truth  is that the biological family that I was given with the exception of my grandmother, maybe my sister and step dad... really don't care that much about me. And the day my grandmother passes away they really won't have anything to do with me then.

As it stands now, they never invite me to family functions and when they do they always put restrictions on how they except me to show up. For example, my cousin that is married had a graduation reception she told me not to come all dressed up and showy (you know how I like to dress up for God and look like the Queen that God molded me to be, right?) or else she wouldn't know me...

She could have been joking, but I know that from a lot of self reflection that anything that I say as a "joke" has a bit of truth it in. That's how she really felt and if she didn't really feel that way she would not have been moved to express it so boldly.

But it doesn't matter because I couldn't attend anyway. I didn't have any gas money to get there....

Walk In Gods Complete Truth, Love and Peace

I'm not perfect. God is still working on me...

 

I always tell guys that, if they aren't going to live right and do right by me to leave me alone... because WOE! to the man who breaks this heart that does not belong to me, but belongs to God...

But they never listen...

It has always been that whenever a guy broke my heart that the following days something bad would happen to him. Whether it was going to happen anyway is the third variable that I have yet to figure out. But if it was going to happen some time in his life, once he broke my heart he invited the pain to enter into his life a lot faster than he expected.

I also tell guys that I'm very honest. I have asked God to help me work on being more subtle in honesty, but like everything else it is a process.

They never believe me, of course, then when I give them honesty they get defensive and feel offended. That's why people need to be very specific in what they ask God for.

I asked God that in his time to bless me with a gentle, respectfully honest husband, because I know that blunt raw honesty that is detached from human emotion is not really who I am at the core.

I guess you could say that in trying to heal from my past pain, that blunt/raw/detached honesty became somewhat like a shield from all the men who hurt me, spit on me, called me names and stepped all over the loving heart that God gave me.

The strange thing is that when men see me, they instantly want to possess me or somehow get angry at me for no reason. That's how I know that I'm dealing with a spirit on them. Those who know about spiritual warfare know exactly what I'm talking about...

How can you meet someone, and just hate them for no reason without even speaking to them or interacting with them at all? I always say that it is not that they hate me as person, but they hate that Gods love lives in me. Any man who hates the light and love of God in me is of the devil and those are the type of men that I aggressively spiritually "fight" against and physically ignore or stand up to. 

The truth is...

I enjoy being in a relationship, but not very men are strong enough to walk on this path of complete truth and love. See, because sometimes the truth is ugly, raw, gritty. Sometimes the truth does not always bend in my favor. But even when it does not I still embrace it and learn from it and then I move on with my life.

That's why I say that I have more respect for an honest "asshole" than a lying "nice" guy.

 

 

 

 

 

I would like to be a wife and mother, but I want to follow in the path that God has for me. I want to walk in Gods truth, love and complete peace.