Reclaiming Of Life: "Get Your Happy"

I guess, wanting to live your own life and make choices that make you happy is what some would call: rebellion.

I spent too much time watching people who I looked up too and even considered to be friends, mentors and advisers make the same mistakes over and over. Yet, when I made a similar mistake they would tear me down and criticize me. So, I had to get tough. I accepted everything they said as truth. I didn't get any second opinions nor did I do any research on the topic. I just assumed that because they were in my life, they were older and had my life experience that they knew best. I also assumed that they had my best interest at heart...

But, then I started to notice something unusual...

"I'm Just Being Realistic: Sad Generation of "Men"

I had to take a very small break from focusing on the modeling and singing so that I could reflect on a pattern that I have noticed the decline of...

Maturity: Love That Heals

I Forgive myself for allowing you to make me upset. 

I forgive myself from any and all poor choices made.

I forgive myself for being too giving to a person(s) who didn't care about my life.

I forgive myself for wasting my time.

There is a place where healing begins.
I never thought that Healing was very important.
I also never thought that it would be presented to me in an unconventional way.

Some people pay someone else to listen to their "problems, issues, troubles..."
Some people write, sing, dance: Create.
Then you have some people who just keep their pain to themselves.

Reflection: VA (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 1)

Imagine if Mary Poppins was a warrior chick instead of a smiling, singing, umbrella flying nanny...

I'm not like Mary Poppins or Plain Jane.

This time last year, I was stuck in Virginia, praying that I would go home. It was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. To be stuck somewhere, where you don't know anyone and where no one can give you the answers you seek. 

I reflect often because I never want to forget where I was, to where God has me now.

Death Of Innocence: Rise of the Queen

These last months are the most reflective. This time last year I was in Virginia, trying to make sense of the chain of events that took place. I wanted to die. But, my need to live outweighed it all. I asked for help, but most of the Christians thought I was just another "troubled" black girl, with no family and no one to love her. That is when I realized that it may not even be atheists or muslims etc that separate a nation, but weak spirited "sweep" crap under the run and pretend that it doesn't exist so called: Christians. 

Just because you go to church, praise God in-front of other people and are old enough to give words of wisdom doesn't mean that you are a true follower of Christ. I admit that I'm not living right, so yeah I have no room to judge but at least I'm honest about where I am in my "spiritual Journey" and not sneak around pretending to live this Oh, so holy moly life. *Cough* *Cough* But, I digress.

Love Life

People like to be in love for the wrong reasons. "I'm lonely." "I'm bored." "I want kids..." etc After much reflection I have decided that attachements are unnecessary. They only hold you back from reaching your full potential. Why? Because you are constantly worried about them or it leaving you or ending. 

I use to be a hopeless romantic, always wanting for a Prince Charming to come and swisk me away on a white horse! I use to be that girl, that would write poetry, love songs, love letters etc to the young man that I was OH SO smitten with, only to have him rip it in my face, then drive away laughing. As if, it was the most funniest comedic skit they had ever witnessed. 
I use to be that girl, that would stay up waiting for him to call me all night and even the next morning and day, only to find that he had already MOVED ON!

So, after coming back from Virginia, I vowed that I would be about business. I would make enough to take care of myself and my family (god family included, because they have been there through a lot of my changes.... I owe them so much more than I can give them right now. But I will be able to pay them back as they rightfully deserve, one day soon).

In VA I tried to fit in, I tried to be "natural" and dress down. I tried not to wear makeup. I tried not to BE ME! I wanted to be accepted. I needed validation. I needed to know that I was needed, since my boyfriend at the time dump me on the side of the curb like I was trash. I would call or text and ask him to help and he would say shit like, "that' s not my problem." 
Sometimes I wish that I would have died out there, that way my blood would always be on his hands, but I didn't die in the flesh. I died in the spirit and because I put all my trust and hope and entire ESSENCE into GOD, I was preserved for the glory of GOD and I'm stronger for it. 

I don't have time to be in love. I'm about meeting people who are ready to build and secure an empire. 

Family Life

I use to be respect and admire, my ex boyfriends' parents because I thought they were serious and honest "Christian folks." But, once again the joke was on me. 

They are fake. How can you tell someone else to live their life, or give advice when your own son doesn't take your advice. REALLY? So, let me get this straight, you teach and preach the word but your household isn't even in order. You can't even control your own son but you want to tell other people or give advice to other people on how to live their lives? Get real... please... I'll pass. 

He talks back to you and have little to no respect for you and yet, I was the problem, not him. Yeah... I wish I was who I am now, back then they all would have seen a different side that they could have thrown stones at... 

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I learned not to be so trusting. Never give your entire heart to a man and never assume that just because someone is Christian that their intentions are pure. 

I did the best I could with what I what I knew and with what I had left to work with. And that's all there is to say.... the end. 

R-E-A-W-A-K-E-N-I-N-G: Rise Of The Queen

I'm in a new place now.

Stronger

Wiser

Faster

Resilient

Comfortable In My Own Skin

I would say about, 8 months ago, all I wanted to do was die.  I couldn't think I could not function, my entire life revolved around "why me?" I felt defeated, raped and robbed of my joyful spirit. But, I knew that it was my own fault. I had to take responsibility for being so easily deceived. The devil tricked. Yeah, asshole got me. I didn't even see it coming. But, I realized that everything happens for a reason and that everything that is negative was turned around for my good.

I don't have any regrets about what I did, said, did not do or say while I was in VA, but every sleepless night, every tear, every moment of confusion led me to where I am today: peaceful. But cautious.

You see, I will never put another man on a pedestal again, nor will I ever allow a man to use his "resources" to allure me away from the flock. I was so happy to meet a man that I thought was about that "christian life." I thought him being about that life, would ignite a new passion in me to be about that life too. But it wasn't his desire to be about it that ignited my passion for God again, it was his (their) betrayal, the injustice, the murder of my child like spirit.

Every setback. Every stab in the back. Every sleepless night. It is all used for my good.

I had no choice but to delete many of the "family" that I met in VA from my Facebook because I was in a dark place. A very dark place. Such a dark place, that satan himself could have asked me to marry him and I would have said yes... yep, that dark. 

I had to cut them off, so I could focus and so that I could protect them from the anger and the hate that I felt toward and about that situation. I recently added a couple of the faces that I most admired back into my life. I only added the ones that were mature enough to understand what the "fight" is all about. Spiritual warriors for Gods' Love. 

The ones who don't run to mommy and daddy every time they get a scrape on their knee. You're a grown ass man/woman stop sucking on your mothers nipple and pick up a weapon and learn how to defend yourself. 

Stop blaming your screwed up life on other people. You made the choice to marry that person, or open your legs to that man and to have a baby with him. So now you deal with the consequences. 

Just like I made the choice to believe that they could be trusted.

We all make choices. But I don't run from my consequences. I face them head on, with complaints, without complaints. But I never give up and I never stop fighting. 

Yeah...I guess, I figure that if I had to learn how to fight out in a new place, on my own then others should learn how to too, because sooner or later their parents will leave this earth and they will be faced to meet the claws of injustice that rapes the world as we speak. 

Established Rules: Single and Never Been Married

As the Queen Through Christ I am a aware of a few things:
1. Is that my life is not my own.
2. That I have a lot of work to do for the kingdom of God. 

The Epic Final VA Conclusion

Final Conclusion: 

Revenge is not something I recommend people get into or even think about. The more you think about that negative spirit. The more you feed it. The more you bring it to life. 

Encouragement & The Ten Commandments

Why comfort yourselves together, and edify 

one another, even as also you do.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Revelation about Beauty: Beauty From Pain

Some women get to be Mary Poppins, Others get to be GI Jane. 

Sometimes you get to pick. Other times life picks for you. 

You're So Aggressive! (Warrior Mentality)

I use to hear in the past: "Jalysa you are too aggressive" You scare men away. So, I always thought "what's wrong with me?" "Why do all the guys I like runaway from me?" These were my thoughts before I knew who I was through Christ. The enemy had me at a very interesting point. My head was filled with doubts, fears and worries. I tried to change myself into everyone else, except who God wanted me to be. 

I also tried to change jokers into kings or princes. If, I would have known how much time and money (yes, I use to buy my guys all kinds of stuff too) that I would waste I would have thought twice about being so "caring" "loving" "understanding" and "sweet." 

More Mature Perspective: Crown of a king, Responsibility of a joker

Marriage sounds like a fun adventure, 

but submitting to a man does not lol

Let me give a small summary: 
Most of the men that I have met (whether during this spiritual journey or not) have always been very weak in their spirit. The littlest thing would set them off or one disagreement would make them break up with me. I don't want to be married to any man who is weak like that. That doesn't make for a sturdy foundation at all. 

The reason why I'm thinking about this so much is because many of the young women in the community I'm currently apart of are engaged or married. I'm at point where I have dated enough "Mr. Almost Rights" to realize that I'm not ready to submit to any man. 
Once I submit to the man that is suppose to be my husband then that means he is in control over me, and he has access to my gifts. And from there is has access to the power behind those gifts as well. 

Its bad enough where I have to go to a job with power hungry men sloths. Always bossing me around telling me what to do, when I leave when I do this or that or what I should be doing. When I already know. Blah blah blah and then after I would have to come home to hear my husband say something like, "you didn't cook." 
Men are naturally selfish and I don't have time for it. 

All they think about is themselves anyway, why would I want to submit to that? But lo and behold if you go around saying things in this community like, " I don't want to be married I just want shoes, clothes, money a big house and a sports car" they will stone you! OH! how dare you not want to give up your power to a man? How rude! How ungoldly for you not to want to get bossed around by your husband. 

I just feel like marriage is nice if God sends you a man that is already on fire for God and walking right, but not all the time God will do that. Sometimes you will meet your husband in the most unlikely situation because together you and him have a powerful testimony that maybe other married couples need to hear, so if they go through it, it will give them hope and guidance on how to better handle the situation, you know? 

But mostly I feel like marriage is a trap for women. Why does he get to call all the shots just because he is a man? How sexist is that? What if I'm spiritually stronger than my husband and I'm doing all the right things, going to church, tithing, fasting and praying and he isn't going to church or he isn't on one accord with me? Do I still have to submit to him? From what I understand of the parts of the bible I read on marriage that answer is YES! 

And its like WHOA! That's why I'm not in a rush to get attached to NO MAN, because so far just dating, men are headache enough. One day this want you. The next day they don't. And its like man dude, get it together already. A lot of men want to play the role of the king but have the responsibility of the joker... 

Missing My Grandma: Welcome To The Party You Never Showed Up For

I feel very alone. I miss my grandmother very much, but each time I try to go back home something always happens to where I never can make it there. 

This is my situation: 

1. The person who brought me here abandon me. 

2. I'm stuck in a place where I don't really know anyone. 

3. I don't have any of my family nor friends here. 

4. I don't have a car to get to the places that I need to go. 

5. This is my first time being out on my own like this. 

6. I need a lot of support and encouragement

7. The person who brought me here stopped supporting and encouraging me. 

If you look at those 7 things, the first thing you might think is, "dang that's messed up!" Trust me every person that I share this part of my testimony with, says the same thing. There is no way around it. There is no way to put a pretty bow on it and make it look nice. 

But, what is worse is that the people who swear up and down that they love God, well they knew about them doing me dirty and did nothing about it. They sat back and watched them treat me bad. 

They laughed. They made jokes at my expense. The entire time while they were doing this, I was steadily praying for them, so that their situation could be made right. And lo' and behold not much longer after they were re-united with the love of their life, while I was losing mine. 

I tried to tell people in my new "Christian family" about what was going on and they would just sweep it under the rug and laugh it off like it was no big deal. They would have felt really bad if a suicidal spirit jumped on me and took me under and I ended up killing myself. But to God be the glory for giving me the strength to overcome. To God be the glory for sending "spiritual parents" to guide me to scriptures that were able to feed my spirit to keep me from being overtaken by negative spirits. 

When I tell you that the spiritual battlefield is real. 
I mean exactly what I say. 

Beauty: Like A Double-edged Sword

I'm not one to lie or to bite my tongue. If I feel some type of way you will know because I like truth, even if it hurts. The given ability to endure during painful realizations or truths in life, is what makes me strong. I'm still here. I aint dead yet... I still have some fight left in me. And as long as I can fight, then I'm going to praise God will my heart, mind, soul, spirit and body! Praise God like I lost my mind.

I admit that this walk with Christ, is not a "walk in the park." There are days when I want to go back to my old way life. Back to the days when I felt like I was "big ballin!" Going to house parties every weekend, going to the club, having men buy me drinks and other material possessions. Whatever I wanted I could have and all I had to do was be cute and sexy. And it was mine. I still have that power, but it I chose to transform that power when I re-dedicated my life to servering God.

Yes, those days were fun. I was high on life and doing whatever I wanted to do. But, even those they may have been fun. They were also the most sloppiest and tackiest of moments in my life. But, God can transform anyone. From a slave into a Queen or King and that is what he did with me. There are still some rough edges, that God is chipping away.

It is crazy once you find a source that can fill you with intense and immense joy just from making a promise. Nothing in the world can do that, because everything in the world is temporary. People make promises everyday in the world but then they break them. Why? Because they don't care. But who does care? God. In all the mess that I have ever been in God has always opened a door for me to escape. I mean I technically should be dead right now, with all the dumb stuff I put myself in.

Even in this situation I'm in currently. It is only the mercies and grace of the Lord and joy from the holy spirit that is holding my broken heart, and sanity together. Glory be to God. Why? Because I never thought that someone who claimed to love, trust and have confidence in God could be so cruel. How do you go from talking about God, reading me scriptures and taking me to church every Sunday to not speaking to me at all? Wow, that would make anyone trying to establish a strong walk with God get discouraged and possibly backslide. But, even though they weren't walk in Truth, I chose to rise above. To go to a higher level. Not only walk in the Gods' truth, but his peace and love too. All levels are hard, because I can feel things getting easier. I trust that my breakthrough is around the corner. In the name of Jesus.
　

 

 

Mrs. So and So: The Bride, Marriage and the "Never I Do"

                          
He sent me this when he first was excited because he swore up and down that I was his wife. That God had sent me to him. That he prayed for me and God sent him me, to be his wife. He told me to "remember this for later" then not even two weeks later he was running away, pushing me away, acting out in a horrible teenage like manner, throwing tantrums and cursing. And that's the man that is suppose to be the "priest of the household" that I'm apart of? No, I don't think so.

I wish I could meet a man who was confident enough in God and his abilities and talents through Christ that he wouldn't feel the need to beat down the strength of God in me. That's the issue that I faced most when I use to date. Instead of them protecting the strength and love of God in me, they always tried to belittle it, tear it down, stomp on it and when they couldn't do that, then they would "feed me" to the lecherous beasts, vultures and devils in the world by abandoning me at critical times when I needed them most. That's why I depend on no man. Just God. Just he is the only one strong enough to play the "superman role" in my life.

Then I have to remember: I find it strange that a man who is in his mid 30's isn't already married. So, when they tell me oh I was married once before... my first question is, "why are yall not together now?" and my second question is, "What did he do?" Because more often than not, the man always did something to initiate the downfall of the marriage.

I have to admit that when I thought I was "engaged" I was really excited. The truth is, that he didn't want me to talk about us going to the court house to get our marriage license because he said he felt "pressured" and "rushed." (Keep in mind he was the one that was excited about the idea in the first place....But in my head I'm thinking, "wow, you don't want me to talk about it, because really you either are not sure if you want to marry me, 2. are really secretly married to someone else or in love with someone else 3. are ashamed for people to know about something that should be a joy to you..."

Any man who really loved me would be thrilled for me to carry their last name, but no...not him...even though he was the one that was SO excited by the idea at first...

I told him I understood but that it would not make sense for us to be Mr. and Mrs. so and so without rings. Then when I started posting pictures of the type of rings that were my "dream" rings that's when he really got all undone. All he had to do was tell me to stop posting about it, but instead (like a child who throws a tantrum when they don't get their way...) he grew distant and that's when I knew that he wasn't strong nor mature enough in his spirit to be in the type of relationship that I envisioned.
                                       

           

It was a sad moment of revelation, but the "realist" in me rose up and closed the deal on the whole thing. I tried to fix it with love and promises to do better, but because he never had any real "love" for me in the first place there was no glue (the love of God is it!) to hold us together. So, there I was trying. Pouring my heart and soul into trying to make things work once again and he became distant and nonchalant and didn't care.... and even when I tried to be friends after that's when I really saw his true colors even more. I tried to send him prayer text messages because I said that I would continue to pray for him, since he is going through some things and of course like every other guy I ever tried to have a "mature adult relationship" with, he gave me the silent treatment, disappeared, vanished, poof, gone.

When I look back through our text messages, I have to laugh because just a week ago he was saying how much he loved me and now he doesn't speak to me at all. Sound familiar? Well it is, because it is the exact same pattern that lead me here in the first place.

The only difference is that he and I never thought about, talked aobut getting married, nor having children together (yeah, I thought this man was Heaven sent enough to believe that I would be the one to have his first son).

But, the truth is I was in love with the idea of being a bride, a wife and mother but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be all that with him in my life. There was something unsettling about, the entire thing that made me question and instantly pray about it from the start. Things were moving way too fast and I could seem to control the flow of it. The 3rd day I had already met his parents. Of course in my head I thought, "this has to be love...he must really love me!" (yeah, sure! lol). You never know if someone truly loves you until you go through the fire with them a few times and see that they are still standing by your side.

That's how I know that every man who ever made me a promise or said "I love you" to me was a liar, because if they loved me they would still be in my life today. I may not know everything, but God has blessed me with some "years beyond my age" type of wisdom that let's me know that things are either right or wrong.

And saying that you love someone, then disappearing from their life because you don't like what they said, what they did etc is wrong. And it just proves that you're immature and not ready for a real mature adult relationship. Granted, if I point the finger, then I better be ready to have it pointed back at me, right? And since I know that I take full responsibility for not always walking in love. But in this situation I could have acted a lot worse. But by sticking by his side through his "tantrum" I showed him that I keep my word. That I don't "run when things get tough." All that talk about "honesty" and "communication" went straight out the window as soon as he got upset with me. Then I started to see some qualities that reflected when I was in an abusive relationships during college (real bad, real, real, real bad...) and after I prayed and reflected on it that's when I knew it was time to go.

Any man that curses at me or even looks like they want to hit me during an argument is not a man that I can respect nor see myself marrying nor being with. So, once again God looked out for me. Even though I wanted to be a bride, be married and hear him say, "I do." I didn't want to do it with a black eye and a bloody lip.

 

 



 

 

Love Like Christ: Missing You

Dear You,
                  
I can't explain all the changes that God is making in me, because even I don't really understand them. I have self reflected over this entire situation over and over and yet I still come to the same conclusion. That one, God is in control and two, I still and always will love you.

There is no excuse for how I acted and what I did. Although, I was honest in telling you that I'm a writer. When I write I feel free. It is the same way with my singing. You know how important me being able to sing is or at least I pray you do.

I came here thinking that we were going to be some kind of "bonnie and clyde" team. That things would move fast enough for us to finally get ourselves on our feet as individuals so we could help one another out. But, God had other plans...

When I saw that things were moving a little bit faster for me and not for you all I wanted to do is protect you. So, the money that I orignially had to go home I used to stay longer so that I could pray with you and stand by your side as you were starting to "go through the fire." I kept trying to intercede on your behalf, because I did not want to see you unhappy, miserable or sad in any way.

I thought if I asked God he would just put all your pain on me, open all new doors for you to walk through and then we could live happily ever. The end. But God had other plans...

I asked God to put your pain on me because I knew that I was strong enough to take it. But instead of doing that, he moved me away. So that only you can depend on him. It was a painful separation, since all I wanted was to help you and be there for you and stay by your side. But, the Will of God shall be done and obedience to his Will can not be denied, do you agree?

At the time I was still "fresh." In other words all the things that I know now I did not fully understand nor walk in then. Instead of giving everything over to God, I tried to take it on myself and in my flesh I hurt you and I failed at walking in the love of Christ. It hurt me just as equally to think about how I hurt you, as well as being seperated from you.

I miss you every day. I live about five minutes away from you, just in case you did not know. I always pray that you will stop by and visit me. I wonder if you have forgotten me or not.

I can not go back in the past and fix the things that I have said or done nor take them back. I had the chance to apologize to your face and even though I couldn't see your eyes I prayed silently that you understood. But, I could tell that you were still angry and that I was still hurt. I wanted so much to hug you and say "I'm sorry" I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I love you. I'm sorry. Over and over again, so that you would never forget how thankful I am to GOD for sending you to help me get closer to God.

If it had not been for you caring enough about me to help me, then I would not have been able to come to a place where I can get strong in my walk with Christ and learn more about the word of God and praise God as passionately as I do now.

I was stupid in love when I came here. I was set on taking care of you, because I'm happier when I get to take care of someone else. But when I stopped to think about it, I couldn't even take care of myself, so how could I help you? It killed me not to be able to help you as I wanted to. The more you pulled away, the more painful it was. I tried so hard to do my best to help you with what I had, but it did not seem to be enough for you. The more I loved you, the more violently you acted. Until one day you shut down on me all together. And when I needed you the most, you were nowhere to be found. When I needed you to pray with me you disappeared.

We went from praying with one another almost every night, talking about God, going to church together... to now we don't even speak. Like I said, I can't take back what I have done but I can learn from my mistakes and make sure that I do things differently next time. I'm always praying that God will send you back into my life, as I met you, fully trusting and confident in God, wise, humble, patient and kind... so that I can get a chance to love you the right way, clothed in my right mind, patient and fully walking in the love of Christ.

Agape Love is the only love that will out last all of this. The love of God is unconditional. Never changing. Constant and that is the only love that I ever want to share with you. And when I get that chance again I will hold in my arms and just thank God for who he is, for the second chance and for your life.  

 



Social Scientist Disclosure: Consistent Patterns Don't Lie

I noticed over the years that when men meet me, they are always so fascinated by how beautiful I am. The beauty is logged into their memory and that is all they can think about capturing. My heart is the last thing they have a desire to protect from the lecherous beasts and vultures in the world. Often times they become the very beasts that I have to fight against. They get so caught up in the beauty that they forget about the love of God in me... it makes me sad, but it is a reality that I can not deny.

God has given me the ability to notice patterns in great detail. My mind never shuts off. Even if I will it, it does not listen. My mind has a "mind" of its' own. I guess you could say.

So, men always start out very excited to talk to me. They want to tell me their whole life story. They want me to understand that they are different than all the rest of the guys and that their promises they will actually keep... but as time goes on, not even days later I start to see patterns of the past. 

1. They start out excited, They send texts saying "good morning", how is your day? Real romantic stuff. 

2. They make an effort 

3. All in love, google eyed

Then they start to recognize who God has called me to be. And they either do one of two things: 

1. They run because they are too weak to handle the strength of God in me.

2. They distance themselves emotionally. Less care and concern for my life. No more cute text messages, no more romantic stuff.

GOD Have all of me: "Nothing without you"

God is cleaning me up so fast. It is overwhelming. Two months ago I had one foot in the door and one foot out and now I have both of my feet planted and rooted in the word of God. I get stronger every day.

I'm asking God to renew in me a clean heart and the right spirit daily. I'm asking him to help me adjust to this entire situation. 

I have never been faced with anything like this before and so, for me to have to deal with this away from home where all my original and strongest support is, is difficult. 

I didn't come to VA prepared for any of this. I thought, that I was going to get a job, work for a couple of months, save up money and then go back home, with him still in my life and still loving me.... 

Its not fair. 

Its wrong. 

Its cruel. 

Its hateful. 

Its horrible, that anyone would put someone that they love and care about through this. He didn't have to cut me off and disappear out of my life without even a goodbye or a see you later. Nothing. He just vanished... 

I don't talk about it with anyone because people won't understand they will just say "get over it..." the way they say about my mother being deceased.

I want to hate him, but I can't... because as soon as I start to get angry at him the holy spirit comes and convicts me and reminds of the love of GOD in me. But no matter how many times I ask GOD why did that have to happen right at that time... or why did he do that? I never get an answer....

But, what I can't understand is why did he break up with me when he knew that I needed him the most? Why did he choose to break up with me during one of the most critical points in my life? 

Who does that? Who stares you in the eyes and promises to stand by your side and then because they don't understand a situation or they see that God is cleaning you up, just get jealous or mad out of nowhere and abandon you? 

You don't treat people like that... 

I would never do that to him. I could have left several times while he was going through the fire but I decided to stick by his side because I know that is what I would have wanted him to do for me. But so much for caring and loving someone. So much for trying to be a "good friend." I did my part, but he stabbed me in the back.

Then turned around and took pictures smiling and laughing like it was all good and gravy. Do you not care that I need your friendship? Do you not care that you PROMISED to be my friend and support me? 

Even in my pain I still don't wish ill will on his life, but I do pray that God reflects this entire situation back into his face, spirit, and heart so he can see what he feels like to be/feel abandoned...

He knew that I didn't know anyone. He knew that I didn't have my foot good in the door yet, but because he saw God moving more quickly in my life than in his he got jealous. DUDE! I looked up to you! You inspired me to seek God even more than before. When I had one foot in the door and one foot in the church you wanted to be with me. But now that I am all on fire for GOD you don't even want to be my friend? 

Wow. What happen to the man that told me that I had to go to church every Sunday? What happen to the man that told me that "I am the head and not the tail." That prayed with me with almost every single night. That helped me stop drinking and cursing so much and "fed" me scriptures. Where is that man at? That man who put and kept GOD first?

I don't want to be friends with a fake, wannabe gangsta, thug, rapper whatever! That's not you. You are wise, humble, funny, kind, intelligent and strong. You treat people with respect and you care about other people. You want to help everyone and you get mad at yourself when you can't... God has called you to be so much more. 
But, you run from your calling because you don't want the "responsibility" and you don't feel like dealing with the "pressure!" DUDE! You are a man! God built you to endure it! Your souls' salvation is on the line and the more you sit on your praise for God and turn your back against him and act indifferent like you don't care...all of those things you will be held accountable for on the day of judgement. 

If your shoe was on my foot, I would be held accountable too! We all ARE going to be regardless! That's why I'm making such a big deal about us finally forgiving one another and moving on. We don't have time for this silent treatment game. Jesus Christ can come back at any time. WE need to make sure we have our souls' right with the, Lord before that time arrives.  

I know that you can go back to being the man who stared me in the eyes and asked me "DO YOU TRUST ME?" That's the friend I want in my life... The friend who kept God first and never let me forget it.  

If I didn't care I wouldn't be making such a fuss. I don't just drop kick people to the curb when I tell them I love them. That's cruel. You prayed that God would make me sweet, kind and meek and now that he has finally cleaned me up you don't want anything to do with me? how much sense does that make? 

You prayed that GOD would remove me from "your space" and then GOD opened the door for me to live in a nice big house and you got jealous and mad at me? DUDE! How much sense does that make? NONE! NONE! NONE!

Are you trying to tell me that all of that was a front to get me? Does your silence and absence in my life say that you lied about loving GOD? That you were faking the whole time????????????

Even if we weren't suppose together or are not suppose to be together right now or whatever, still keep in touch as my friend. You can be friends and talk to everyone else but you can't seem to find two minutes out of your day to text me or call me just to say hi?

How do you go from, I love you almost every single day to nothing at all. To no text. No calls. Nothing. 

But even though you did me dirty, I still pray for you. I still pray that God opens all the doors that he wants you to walk through. I pray that you are safe. Not being able to protect you, kills me, but I know that God can protect you far better than I ever could...

I don't hate you, I never could... I just wish I could apologize to your face and let you know how much I love you. Not with eyes of the flesh and not in a romantic way, but with the love of Jesus Christ that has grown so much in me since I first got here. 

I pray every day that you come back into my life and that we can forgive one another and be friends again. Friends that encourage one another in their walks with Christ. Come back, man of God. You are missed.

When God Sends My Husband: King meet Queen

I'm happy to have my own spot, where I can think and read the word of God. But it is lonely here. The only person that I trusted and thought had my back, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't have very many friends here. I still need to get a car to drive, so I'm praying that God will bless me with one asap.

He said he wanted to be friends, but friends talk to each other, share their stories about their day and their dreams and plans etc. When I tried to make conversation he would go back to having a bad attitude. So eventually I stopped trying all together...

In generally I'm a pretty upbeat person. The only time when I'm stressed is when someone rejects the love that I give or when someone is not being honest with me or when someone lies and then tries to turn it around like it was my fault for accepting their help in the first place. I gave him plenty of chances to "run away" (that's what I know that most men who say they can handle me do best...) but he still stayed. He stuck it out and for once I thought, that maybe I had met my match. But when the storm came and the boat rocked violently that's when I saw his true colors and he saw my passion for God come forth...

The First And Second Day As An Assistant Teacher: Teach Me How To Love

I'm so close to a breakthrough that I can feel it.


I let my mind play tricks on me, because I felt like I wasn't where I am suppose to be. But, God would not keep me here if he did not mean for me to be here. I know that much. I have met some really amazing men and women of God. They are on fire for Gods love like me! When I get around them and my candle light seems low. They just know what to say or to do to set it back aflame again. The only thing is that I have to keep my might burning bright. I can not let the devil blow it out!

The first day of classes:

I was partly nervous, walking into the school knowing that I had 22 students in one class to learn all their names and then about 14 in the other class to learn names of as well. Phew! I just start calling them, "sweetheart and young lady and young man" instead lol But God is good and he got me through the first day without any major complications.

I don't know why children were placed on my heart. I never grew up wanting to babysit or even be around babies, but somehow when I get around children I transform into a completely different woman. I'm every bit like the virtuous woman that is described in proverbs 31. And most importantly I'm happy.

We did arts and crafts. I took them outside. I took them to lunch. I pretty much just helped out as much as I was needed. The first class is of kindergartners. They are a sassy bunch, but such a joy to be around.

The second class I go to is pre-k's. There are only a couple of them that get fresh from time to time, but most of them are still crying for their mommies and daddies. In that class they have nap time and that's when I come in to make sure that they are not kicking their neighbor in their sleep or talking.

I was pretty happy when the first day ended. Overall it was a good day.

The second day of classes:

I started out the day with a lot on my mind. I know that the "unexpected event" was not due to because I did not love enough, because before the unexpected event I loved them as best as I knew how. I'm not use to a man treating me kindly. I'm not use to men thinking much of me at all. So, when I met them my shield was up and there was a force field around my heart. But such is life, that when you trust a man, they end up breaking your heart for reasons that sometimes they don't even know themselves. "I care about you, but I also don't care enough to not break your heart..." And such is life from there....

That's why we have to be very careful about what we say to people and how we say it. When you say you love someone you better mean it or else you will be held accountable. But that goes for everything, even if you say hateful words or sow seeds of discord too. I don't tell people that I love or care about them unless I mean it and I also don't call everyone friend. Not everyone that smiles in my face has my best interest at heart. So I have to tap into the gift of discernment and wait for God to give me directions.