From Suicide To Champion: God is Joy, Peace and Hope

There comes a time in your life when you have to stand up for something or you will fall for anything. That statement could never be more true. 

1. I don't go out of my way to bother other people. 

2. I try my best to make sure that before I am take care of, that others have what they need first. 

2. Sometimes people expect too much out of me. They expect me to always be sweet, nice, kind, patient and all the things that they see in fairy-tales. But: I AM HUMAN. 

I get mad. 

I make mistakes. 

Nah, I'm Done Listening....(YOU LISTEN TO ME NOW)

I'm done "listening..." to talk when you don't make any sense. I gave you the proper tools. I sent the warnings. I did my part, but of course no one ever listens to me until its too late and if you DID listen, then why didn't you apply what I told you? #NOEXCUSE

Every time I listen to someone else's advice for my life, it always ends up holding me back, distracting me, pushing me further back, from reaching Gods best for my life. 

I'm also done listening to pastors, preachers, teachers etc of the "word of God" who don't walk the walk and talk the talk.

I have a realistic walk with God. 
I don't try to be righteous and holier than thou for shits and giggles.
I don't lie to myself about where I am in my journey.
I don't make excuses for not being better than yesterday.

I refuse to give up on my dreams of singing, modeling and writing all over the world. I would love to have my voice heard one day. But, my "old fashion" ideals are not popular. 

But, If I were a lying, materialistic, spoiled chick I would have the world eating out of the palm of my hand. But... I'm not like that. 

The Few Out of The Many

I feel in a very poetic mood. I should be sleeping, but my mind is far from tired.
I feel like I have a million things to do, but only an hour to do them all in.

I am thankful for all of those who did not give up on me. For those who spoon-fed truth to me because (at the time) it was too much for me to digest. I am even thankful for those who continued to love me even from long distance. They were kind, patient, filled with joy and even more than that continued to love me when I did not have the strength nor courage to love myself.

When you meet someone who is willing to look you in the eyes and tell you the truth because they want you to have a peace within yourself, you should at least consider what they have to say.
When you meet someone who is willing to stand and fight beside you through your good, bad and ugly changes that is a relationship worth fighting to keep. You don't meet a lot of people who will readily sacrifice their time, heart and body to helping you, "get out of the hole."

In some cases you will meet people who, can only be there for a short term. Sometimes, they really do want to stay in your life and continue to encourage you and watch you grow in grace. But, maybe they were not built for that kind of pressure.

There are two things that I had to learn: 

1. Not everything is made for everyone
2. Not everyone will get the lesson as quickly as others will

So, now there is a new challenge. Not only must I be patient with myself, but now I am forced to be patient with other people. I can not expect everyone to be "baby Einsteins" but I also can not expect them to be no more intelligent than a rock. I had to take off my expectations and wait for them to show me who they are, their strengths, their weaknesses and their joys.

"Glamorous" Miserable Ones

I thought when I joined club "Jesus" that it would give me access to benefits that the unbelievers didn't get. To some degree, it did. To the rest of that, it clearly did not. 

People do stupid stuff every day and get famous for doing it. 

They talk crap about other people and treat people like shit, and yet they still have everything they want and need. 

Then those of us who TRY... 

(I'm not going to say I'm perfect because I make mistakes all the time, but once again the difference is that I don't stay stuck on stupid. I MOVE move MOVE move MOVE move MOVE) 

and really give it our best get the crap end of the stick. We work the hardest. We fight the hardest. We make the most sacrifices and for some of us each year we find ourselves in the same boat, praying over the same things. Over and Over. 

When it all my hard work, busting my ass and breaking my neck finally going to pay off for me? Why do I get to sit back and watch other people propser off my dreams and goals? What about all those promises in the bible that are beaten into our heads from day one: God will never leave nor forsake you... 

I see good people go through the most horrible things and it breaks my heart. If God wanted to he could just swoop down from Heaven and save them. So why doesn't he? 

What is the point of living, if you're always stressed about money, bills, kids, etc This life is suppose to be a blessed life. Blessing coming and going, right? Then how come so many bad things are happening and where is GOD that he won't stop all this nonsense? 

What good is beauty, if you are always kept hidden? 

What good can knowledge do, if you never have a platform or an audience to share it with? 

What. Is. The. Point? 

And yet, no matter how I feel or where I am in life people still flock to me because they see "something" in me. It is a lot of responsibility to guide someone out of HOPELESSNESS. It takes a toll on your entire being. Not only do you have to listen to all their issues and problems, but you also have to find a way to help them out of their hole. 

Maturity: Love That Heals

I Forgive myself for allowing you to make me upset. 

I forgive myself from any and all poor choices made.

I forgive myself for being too giving to a person(s) who didn't care about my life.

I forgive myself for wasting my time.

There is a place where healing begins.
I never thought that Healing was very important.
I also never thought that it would be presented to me in an unconventional way.

Some people pay someone else to listen to their "problems, issues, troubles..."
Some people write, sing, dance: Create.
Then you have some people who just keep their pain to themselves.

Do You Really Want To Be In A Relationship (part 2)

I don't think a woman should have to lower or hide her intelligence and strength just to make a man feel like a man. He should already be confident in who God made him and he should already have his life in order or be working really hard to get it in order. 

In the past, I put up with a variety of interesting men characters! 

I don't do a lot of socializing in real life. I tend to save my breath for people who actually want to make a change in their life and or learn something new. But, the behavior of men folk nowadays is so predictable that I don't find it fun anymore to even "play the game" anymore.

Do You Really Want To Be In A Relationship? (part 1)

So, far in my experiences I'm learning that the majority of people don't like to "address the issues" and or "talk about it." I use to be a person that just swept reality under the rug and expected it to just disappear or get better on its' own.

But, oh! how naive!

Death Of Innocence: Rise of the Queen

These last months are the most reflective. This time last year I was in Virginia, trying to make sense of the chain of events that took place. I wanted to die. But, my need to live outweighed it all. I asked for help, but most of the Christians thought I was just another "troubled" black girl, with no family and no one to love her. That is when I realized that it may not even be atheists or muslims etc that separate a nation, but weak spirited "sweep" crap under the run and pretend that it doesn't exist so called: Christians. 

Just because you go to church, praise God in-front of other people and are old enough to give words of wisdom doesn't mean that you are a true follower of Christ. I admit that I'm not living right, so yeah I have no room to judge but at least I'm honest about where I am in my "spiritual Journey" and not sneak around pretending to live this Oh, so holy moly life. *Cough* *Cough* But, I digress.

Love Life

People like to be in love for the wrong reasons. "I'm lonely." "I'm bored." "I want kids..." etc After much reflection I have decided that attachements are unnecessary. They only hold you back from reaching your full potential. Why? Because you are constantly worried about them or it leaving you or ending. 

I use to be a hopeless romantic, always wanting for a Prince Charming to come and swisk me away on a white horse! I use to be that girl, that would write poetry, love songs, love letters etc to the young man that I was OH SO smitten with, only to have him rip it in my face, then drive away laughing. As if, it was the most funniest comedic skit they had ever witnessed. 
I use to be that girl, that would stay up waiting for him to call me all night and even the next morning and day, only to find that he had already MOVED ON!

So, after coming back from Virginia, I vowed that I would be about business. I would make enough to take care of myself and my family (god family included, because they have been there through a lot of my changes.... I owe them so much more than I can give them right now. But I will be able to pay them back as they rightfully deserve, one day soon).

In VA I tried to fit in, I tried to be "natural" and dress down. I tried not to wear makeup. I tried not to BE ME! I wanted to be accepted. I needed validation. I needed to know that I was needed, since my boyfriend at the time dump me on the side of the curb like I was trash. I would call or text and ask him to help and he would say shit like, "that' s not my problem." 
Sometimes I wish that I would have died out there, that way my blood would always be on his hands, but I didn't die in the flesh. I died in the spirit and because I put all my trust and hope and entire ESSENCE into GOD, I was preserved for the glory of GOD and I'm stronger for it. 

I don't have time to be in love. I'm about meeting people who are ready to build and secure an empire. 

Family Life

I use to be respect and admire, my ex boyfriends' parents because I thought they were serious and honest "Christian folks." But, once again the joke was on me. 

They are fake. How can you tell someone else to live their life, or give advice when your own son doesn't take your advice. REALLY? So, let me get this straight, you teach and preach the word but your household isn't even in order. You can't even control your own son but you want to tell other people or give advice to other people on how to live their lives? Get real... please... I'll pass. 

He talks back to you and have little to no respect for you and yet, I was the problem, not him. Yeah... I wish I was who I am now, back then they all would have seen a different side that they could have thrown stones at... 

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I learned not to be so trusting. Never give your entire heart to a man and never assume that just because someone is Christian that their intentions are pure. 

I did the best I could with what I what I knew and with what I had left to work with. And that's all there is to say.... the end. 

No Room For Failture (Launch Me Into GREATNESS)

The one thing I learned is that you can't wait for other people to be ready to help you make your dreams come true. You have to get up and do it yourself.

If I would have waited for someone to keep their word about helping me "get to the top" I would have never taken the first step. Also people go through things, I understand.

I'm tired of being on the backburner. I watch everyone else climb to the top of the mountain. I'm the best hand of cards they have, but they never use me. So, from here on out I only want to associate with a team of people who want to help me bring out my highest potential and Launch me into Greatness.

I'm ready to put my work in. Now that I have a few things in order I’m taking matters into my own hands, the business woman, the model and the talent.

No Room For Failure

People describe success in a variety of ways. Your idea of success could be that you graduated college, bought a new house, or had your first child.

My success is finally having the money to make things happen in my life. A prime example is the modeling (creative art) thing.

People constantly tell me, "you should model" or ask me "do you model?" But, let us stop and think about this for a minute: To model, you need money, so you can invest in yourself (you are the product), pay for gas to travel to all the auditions and casting calls and pay for pictures etc. If you don't have a job, then you don't have the money to do all of that (unless you have a sugar daddy or you’re born into money...). The end goal is make money from this modeling thing. I have in the past yet, 20 dollars here and 40 bucks here for little snippets of exposure but I have been ready to go beyond.

 

 

I'm finally in a place where I have

1. The confidence

2. The money

3. Transportation and

4. The opportunity.

I may not be Tyra Banks, but I will get to be on the cover of a magazine and in a few top, high quality fashion shows. Remember, I don't want my name associated with anything that isn't top quality. That's just how I am. And if that means I have to wait for the right opportunity then I will.

Some people might be turned off by the new photos because they are a bite more "mature" and "sexy." But, I'm a grown lady. Also, with being a working, grown lady I finally have a say in what I choose to do with my modeling career.

So many people in the past, made promises to help me, get me exposure, but what good is exposure if it is not a national level where millions of people can see you. The whole point is for "exposure" is to be SEEN, what good will it do you if your just seen in little ol' Raleigh. NO, I want national exposure because there is SOME designer out there who I have yet to meet, who will fall in love with my look. I believe it, that I will sign with a top modeling and talent agency and it will all work out for my good, for glory of God.

This is the new me and I love it! No Mary Poppins and No Plain Jane live here.

R-E-A-W-A-K-E-N-I-N-G: Rise Of The Queen

I'm in a new place now.

Stronger

Wiser

Faster

Resilient

Comfortable In My Own Skin

I would say about, 8 months ago, all I wanted to do was die.  I couldn't think I could not function, my entire life revolved around "why me?" I felt defeated, raped and robbed of my joyful spirit. But, I knew that it was my own fault. I had to take responsibility for being so easily deceived. The devil tricked. Yeah, asshole got me. I didn't even see it coming. But, I realized that everything happens for a reason and that everything that is negative was turned around for my good.

I don't have any regrets about what I did, said, did not do or say while I was in VA, but every sleepless night, every tear, every moment of confusion led me to where I am today: peaceful. But cautious.

You see, I will never put another man on a pedestal again, nor will I ever allow a man to use his "resources" to allure me away from the flock. I was so happy to meet a man that I thought was about that "christian life." I thought him being about that life, would ignite a new passion in me to be about that life too. But it wasn't his desire to be about it that ignited my passion for God again, it was his (their) betrayal, the injustice, the murder of my child like spirit.

Every setback. Every stab in the back. Every sleepless night. It is all used for my good.

I had no choice but to delete many of the "family" that I met in VA from my Facebook because I was in a dark place. A very dark place. Such a dark place, that satan himself could have asked me to marry him and I would have said yes... yep, that dark. 

I had to cut them off, so I could focus and so that I could protect them from the anger and the hate that I felt toward and about that situation. I recently added a couple of the faces that I most admired back into my life. I only added the ones that were mature enough to understand what the "fight" is all about. Spiritual warriors for Gods' Love. 

The ones who don't run to mommy and daddy every time they get a scrape on their knee. You're a grown ass man/woman stop sucking on your mothers nipple and pick up a weapon and learn how to defend yourself. 

Stop blaming your screwed up life on other people. You made the choice to marry that person, or open your legs to that man and to have a baby with him. So now you deal with the consequences. 

Just like I made the choice to believe that they could be trusted.

We all make choices. But I don't run from my consequences. I face them head on, with complaints, without complaints. But I never give up and I never stop fighting. 

Yeah...I guess, I figure that if I had to learn how to fight out in a new place, on my own then others should learn how to too, because sooner or later their parents will leave this earth and they will be faced to meet the claws of injustice that rapes the world as we speak. 

Encouragement & The Ten Commandments

Why comfort yourselves together, and edify 

one another, even as also you do.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

You're So Aggressive! (Warrior Mentality)

I use to hear in the past: "Jalysa you are too aggressive" You scare men away. So, I always thought "what's wrong with me?" "Why do all the guys I like runaway from me?" These were my thoughts before I knew who I was through Christ. The enemy had me at a very interesting point. My head was filled with doubts, fears and worries. I tried to change myself into everyone else, except who God wanted me to be. 

I also tried to change jokers into kings or princes. If, I would have known how much time and money (yes, I use to buy my guys all kinds of stuff too) that I would waste I would have thought twice about being so "caring" "loving" "understanding" and "sweet." 

Learning How To Speak In Love

Most of the time when I'm around a group of people I'm quiet for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I haven't learned how to speak (in love) constantly, the way most of the other members of the community have. 

My mother was the only one to administer hugs and kisses and the whole thing about "let's talk about it." But after she passed away, I was forced to be my own mom, dad, brother, sister, friend and protector. I use to be very sweet. Very kind. Very loving. You asked me to do anything for you, not only would I do it but I would also go above and beyond to do extra because I knew that it would make you well pleased. A "people pleaser" is what I use to be. Until, "enough was enough." Then to go a step beyond that, until... I was re-introduced to God again. 

Glory Be To God: Give Love To Get Love

I thank God for keeping me safe and for providing for me. Glory be to God for his mercies and grace over my life. I thank God for sending his only son to die on the cross for my sins. Without the obedience of his son and the sacrifice of God, I would not be able to have a connection with Abba Father.
                             
SO, here we are going to recap some of the most handsome and beautiful faces. God sent them to love me and to keep a smile on my face while on this journey. And I thank God for each and every one of them! And so, I dedicate this blog to their memory and to always loving them!

Hope you enjoy! I love you!
 

The "Protecting" Spirit: Take A Bullet For You

 

The thing about me is that whenever someone is hurt or sad I instantly go into this "guardian angel" type of mode. Where I feel responsible for bringing them out of whatever dark place they are in. When God moves me away from them, so that I can't help them by praying for them or giving them a hug or making silly faces. It breaks my heart.

I know what its like to suffer. To actually wish and hear myself say that I would rather here a "pretty lie, than the the ugly truth." But, that's only because when you are hurt, sad, depressed and you feel far from God, all you want is something to make you feel better.

Well, I realized that for my loved ones that were hurting (while I was in a good place) all I could do was pray for them. Whenever I see people hurt I want so much to hold them in my arms and absorb all their pain. Just like when I see a child cry, that's the first thing I think of to do, pick them and hold them so they feel loved, comforted and protected.
                             
It is not different with grown men and women, because all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior are my brothers and sisters.

But, like I said God has to move me sometimes, so that they can go through the crushing. The job of carry their cross is reserved for Jesus Christ alone. And when God feels that I'm "protecting" my loved ones too much from their life lessons, spiritual spankings or the "crushing." He will move me away and there won't be anything that I can do about it...

I would have gladly taken all their pain, on myself because I knew that I was strong enough to handle it. I will gladly take a bullet for them, if ever it came down to not just for them but for all my loved ones. That's just the type of person I am, at the end of the day. After all the makeup is off, and I'm finally out those 6 inch heels and in some flats. My hair is tied up and I'm ready for bed. I turn into a big "mama hen." And when people need love. I have enough of it to share. More than enough actually.

When I don't get to share that love, I feel my spirit die a little bit more each time. So, that's why I ask God to send people who not only need love but also those who are ready to receive. Because in the right spirit, I tap into the love of God in me and his love is powerful enough to heal. The love of God melts the bitterness and crust right off. I know it, because when someone else shared the love of God in them with me, that's exactly what it did for me.

And I thank God for that, every day.

Beauty: Like A Double-edged Sword

I'm not one to lie or to bite my tongue. If I feel some type of way you will know because I like truth, even if it hurts. The given ability to endure during painful realizations or truths in life, is what makes me strong. I'm still here. I aint dead yet... I still have some fight left in me. And as long as I can fight, then I'm going to praise God will my heart, mind, soul, spirit and body! Praise God like I lost my mind.

I admit that this walk with Christ, is not a "walk in the park." There are days when I want to go back to my old way life. Back to the days when I felt like I was "big ballin!" Going to house parties every weekend, going to the club, having men buy me drinks and other material possessions. Whatever I wanted I could have and all I had to do was be cute and sexy. And it was mine. I still have that power, but it I chose to transform that power when I re-dedicated my life to servering God.

Yes, those days were fun. I was high on life and doing whatever I wanted to do. But, even those they may have been fun. They were also the most sloppiest and tackiest of moments in my life. But, God can transform anyone. From a slave into a Queen or King and that is what he did with me. There are still some rough edges, that God is chipping away.

It is crazy once you find a source that can fill you with intense and immense joy just from making a promise. Nothing in the world can do that, because everything in the world is temporary. People make promises everyday in the world but then they break them. Why? Because they don't care. But who does care? God. In all the mess that I have ever been in God has always opened a door for me to escape. I mean I technically should be dead right now, with all the dumb stuff I put myself in.

Even in this situation I'm in currently. It is only the mercies and grace of the Lord and joy from the holy spirit that is holding my broken heart, and sanity together. Glory be to God. Why? Because I never thought that someone who claimed to love, trust and have confidence in God could be so cruel. How do you go from talking about God, reading me scriptures and taking me to church every Sunday to not speaking to me at all? Wow, that would make anyone trying to establish a strong walk with God get discouraged and possibly backslide. But, even though they weren't walk in Truth, I chose to rise above. To go to a higher level. Not only walk in the Gods' truth, but his peace and love too. All levels are hard, because I can feel things getting easier. I trust that my breakthrough is around the corner. In the name of Jesus.
　

 

 

The Empty Seat: Love, Faith, Truth

 

 

When you miss someone, you just miss them. There isn't anything you can do about this missing that person if they are ready to receive the love that God has placed inside of you to share, nor the changes that he has made in you.

The more you try to contact them. The more you push them away.

The more you try to understand why they aren't on one accord with the rest of the "team" the more hurt and confused you become.

So. I stopped trying to figure out the "why?" And I started putting my trust in God. Only. There is nothing on this earth that would bring me more joy, than 1. to have Jesus Christ return and 2. To have them back in my life, ready to walk in the truth of God and praise God, better than we did before.

But each walk with Christ is different. I feel as though God has advanced me to "level 5" and now, being here in this "spiritual bootcamp" I have to go back to level one and build the foundation with the word of God.

When I attend the G. Craig Lewis service Friday Decemeber 20th, 2013, I sat next to my "VA spiritual family" but to the left of me was an empty seat. Then there was an older black couple on the other side of that seat. In front of me were two of my favorite people. A couple. Both with smiles that can light up any room and hearts bigger than to sun full of the love of God. Then to the right of me was another couple. If ever I were to be adopted, I think they would adopt me because they are real like myself but they laugh and know how to have a good time as well. All the couples were so filled with joy from the holy spirit.
                                    
I prayed that God would show me that my prayers were being answered, but I was not prepared for the feeling of loneliness that came over me during that event.

I kept looking at that empty seat beside me thinking: "If only they were here. I know they would have a good time. I'm surrounded by all this love, the presence of the holy spirit is here, we have access to truth that we wouldnt' get anywhere else. Where are they? Why are they not apart of all the love and truth that God has given me the opportunity to be apart of. They have the same opportunity too..."

I never found any answers to all the questions I had that night, except for one about leading a ministry. What I found is that technically I can't or it is unwise to lead a ministry without a strong man of God in my life, be it my husband or dad to "protect me." After I found that out I was a little bit bummed out. So I have no choice but to need a man in my life, if I really want to be the leader in something. *sigh* Guess, I better ask God to clean me up so he can send my husband, soon. There are lives to be saved. And people out in the world who need to hear about the goodness and mercies of God, and the teachings of Jesus Christ to restore hope to their lives.

"Get my house in order" that's what Papa Teel says. But, I can't do much without my other half, whoever that is suppose to be.

The Weekend Before My Birthday: Airplane & NFL

Friday, December 13th 2013

I took my first plane ride to Charlotte, NC for my first NFL football game. The plan ride reminded me just of a roller coaster, at first.

I got to stay in a fancy hotel, called the Omni. I got to be in the city. I got to take a break from my life on the "battlefield" and just focus on enjoying myself.

Saturday December 14th 2013:

I went out to eat. I went to karaoke. I got to dance a little bit.

I met some really cool people. I had a nice time.

Sunday December 15th 2013:

I attended my first NFL football game. The panthers VS. The NY jets.

It was very exciting to see all the carolina fans get so hyped for their team. The staduim was pretty full. I was, of course freezing my toes off, but I told myself not to complain.

Overall Summary:

This entire journey has been the spiritual journey of firsts.

The first time I have been out on my own, completely on my own like no family can come and just pick me up and take me home.

The first time, I'm working, and living in an area that I was not familiar with.

The first time I road a plane.

The first time I attend an NFL game.

The first time I started my own business (two to be exact).

God is certainly working in my life. I'm excited about the new doors that he is opening, has opened. I'm sad that the person who brought me here doesn't want to be apart of the blessings, nor the love.

Today is my birthday. I received a lot of love from just about everyone, even people who I did not think would care that much. But, I was waiting and hoping for that one person to at least text or something. I didn't receive any happy birthday from them at all...

I wanted to cry. I wanted to see them and be like "hey, where ya been?" And in my head I thought they would be singing happy birthday with the rest of the bible study group. But they were not there. It feels very empty without them in my life.

I know that my life does not revolve around them or any man for that matter (except for Jesus Christ). But, the truth is I'm tried of missing them. I'm tired of wishing that things were different. I just want us to be on one accord already, walking in the love, peace and truth of God together. This time giving God all the glory. So that we can move on, in love and flow with the rest of the river. They are the only ones that are disconnected from me. *sigh* It hurts. It was my birthday for, crying outloud. They couldn't put their difference aside for one moment, just to text happy birthday?

But, God is good. Even though a piece of my heart broke on my birthday. God still sent people to give share his love with me. And at this point I don't have time to cry or worry about why they aren't speaking to me. I have a minstry to build. I also have people that need the gifts that God has placed in me. I will pray for them, as I have done ever since I met them. And let God handle the things that I do not understand. So I can do the work that God has called me to do.

 

The Strength Of God Has Brought You This Far...

I'm slightly overwhelmed with emotion at the reflection and revelations I have received as of late. I always knew that God gave me the strength to overcome, but I did not know how much strength he gave me.

I'm not here to paint a fairytale picture, nor lie about events that took place in this journey. I'm here to tell you the truth, about what happen. What I did, what I said, what they did what they said and how we did not focus on God and what our focus should have been, could have been and what our focus looks like now.

God is the ultimate navigator. Every time I tried to do things my way, it may have worked for a day or even a week but as soon as something hit me. I went down and everyone around me was affected. I had to keep in mind that what I do, and also what I say affects those around me. My life is not my own. It never was. God created me to be a blessing to his people. But when I'm stuck in my flesh, selfish and unfocused how can I be a blessing? The answer is: I can't. At that point I become a hinderance and a bother. A "distraction."

I will never forget when they told me that I was a "distraction." It broke my heart because I thought I was helping. But, the truth its not "helping" when you do things that take their attention away from God. Everything should be about God. Everything we say, think and do should be representative of how Jesus Christ lived.

But, I have been here for almost 4 months or maybe a little longer. I spent Thanksgiving here, now I'm spending my birthday and I'll probably be here for Christmas too. Working. Saving money. Trying to get on my feet. God had to cut, my "happy" from me and my idea of "stability" so that I could only see, know and depend on him. He didn't just move me away so that I could focus on him, but he moved me away so that they could focus on God too.

Everything isn't always about us. Each day we interact with people we have the potential to share the love of God in us. It doesn't have to be through speech or ministering. It can be through our actions too. Giving a hug. Being a listening ear. Praying with someone going through a struggle. Be a blessing to someone else's life, not by giving them money (unless the holy ghost leads you too) but by being positive, patient, loving, kind etc and those are the things that will be remembered long after God has moved you from that place.

 

Revelation: (Mirror Conversations) THE WOMAN GOD NEEDS FOR HIS PEOPLE TO SEE

I do not write for form nor fashion, nor so that people will like me. I write because I want to show the process of what a walk with Christ can look like. There will be no walk with Christ exactly the same, because we each go through different lessons in life. We each grow differently. But the end is the same, for us to be used for the glory of God.

One of the things that I had to overcome is forgiveness. I thought that if I apologized to them that everything would just be perfect like it was before. But the real test wasn't in apologizing to them, it was in forgiving myself.

I was so hurt by the situation and even more angry at myself for not knowing how to help them. I felt it was my duty to comfort, protect and love them through any and all changes that they went through but instead of doing that I fell prey to my flesh and became selfish and arrogant. They needed a friend, and I covered the love of God in me with pride, selfishness and anger, so that they could not reach his (God) love in me.

I was upset with myself because I couldn't "save" them I didn't know the right words to help them out of their situation. I didn't have enough money to make "it all better." I felt useless. All I could do was sit back and watch them fall into more confusion. I tried to pray, but I wasn't in the right spirit all the time. I was too busy worrying about myself instead of trusting in God to take care of me and attending to what their needs were with the word of GOD.

We have to remember that it is not about us. It is about other people. Every blessing, every gift that God has given us is used to be a blessing to someone elses' life and for the glory of God.

God, blessed me with a heart of empathy, a heart of compassion. A heart to love his people. To comfort and protect and instead of using that gift for good I allowed my flesh to take over and shut it down.

So God had to move me away, not only so he could have their full attention, but also so I could learn how to love his people again.

The process is never easy. There will be tears. There will be times where you may be uncomfortable but trust in God. I can write that now because I'm walking in it. And little by little God reveals to me the things about myself that are holding me back from walking in the fullness of his Greatness.

I can not go back and redo what has been done, but I can move forward with the new revelations that God has given me and apply them to my life currently.

I pray for them daily. I love them with all my heart. I ask God to protect them and heal them. I asked that God go in and fix the mess that I made. Each time we don't act in love, we leave a negative imprint on someone's heart. I pray that God removes that negative imprint that I made on their heart and he restores them to full joy in him and to full confidence and trust in him (God) as well.

I never want to see any of my brothers nor sisters hurt because of something that I allowed my flesh to say or do. That is not how Christ was and if I claim to love God I also must commit to learning how Jesus Christ walked in the love of God, in the peace of God and in the truth of God.

I pray and ask God to fill me with more of his loving spirit. To cut off all things that are unholy, unrighteous, and or unclean in me. I do this because I want to love his people better. So that I never enter into another situation where someone needs my help and I am not able to help them because I'm too weak to fight against my flesh. Before I didn't know much scripture, let me tell you the word of GOD is a must when you are on the spiritual battlefield. That is one of your most powerful weapons. Without it you are "crippled"! Must read it and meditate on it daily.

It is food for your spirit.