You Are The Life of The (((PARTY)))

I have not been able to write in this blog in awhile.

Here are some things that are going on in my life, that I hope that someone out in the "real world" can understand...

Everyone wants to laugh (hee hee haa haa) when things are going great. It is always a fun time when the party is in motion. But, what happens when the party is over and it is time to clean up? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the stinky beer rings on your table, floor and chairs? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the throw up from too much drinking, the blood from the fights and organize your home back to the way it was? 

I refuse to let people come into MY LIFE and trash it with their insecurities, their failures, broken promises and lies. 

"Oh, I don't lie..." Really? Anyone who says they don't lie. Is a liar. Everyone tells a lie a some point in their life. But you should 

NEVER

EVER

EVER

EVER

EVER
LIE 

TO THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT

YOU

THE MOST

The LoneWolf Leader: My Choice (Part 2)

It took every ounce of positive energy that I had left in my little fragile body about a year or so ago, not to do the unthinkable...

Yet, when I tried to explain how I felt or what I was going through the people I thought would care the most pretty much told me that it was my "choice" to go to Virginia (so that I could try to start a new life for myself, make money, save money and send it back to my grandmother...). It was my "choice" to believe that another christian would love and care about me, while I was the most vulnerable...

Yes, Yes, I know.

It was my choice.

Just like removing myself from their life was also: MY CHOICE.

Life In The Fast Lane: Motorcycles! Sports Cars! (Zoom! Zoom!)

I want to live in the fast lane.
I want to go to exclusive parties.
I want to travel all over the world.
I want to shop at all my favorite stores.
I want to be treated as royalty.
I want to own a motorcycle.
I want to own a fast car.
I want to feel the wind through my fingers
And feel the AC on my toes
I want to wave to all the runners as I speed by in my
black and pink BMW convertible with tinted windows
I want to live on the edge. The edge wants to live near me.
Free to Love. Free to Express. Free to Fly. Free to Ride.

Patterns Of Things Undone

When you know that your life is not your own, you tend to think in a variety of perspectives that society will not understand. I rarely speak in public because I know that most people have a basis opinion about most things in life to begin with. Why waste my breath on those that will not listen? I know what it is like to be on both ends. I simple just don't like wasting my time.


I see a pattern of "things undone" in the lives of other people. I partly, feel that people have things in their lives that are undone because they are waiting for me to help them get organized. Yep, *sigh* I help people get their lives in order. I notice detailed patterns (of bad habits) , (etc) and I call them out with the intention of making them aware (or reminding them if they were not already aware) that they can not have a peaceful and or better life with their life out of order and unorganized.

It seems like I never meet people when they are prosperous and doing well in life. I always meet them right after something life altering has happen to them. Why couldn't I have met them when they were doing well in life, had everything organized and up and running in order? Why couldn't I have met them when they were are their best, loving life and getting things done? Why do I have to be the protector, adviser, navigator and motivator? It is a lot of stress on one person, especially if that person doesn't have a habit of being involved in the lives of others on a daily basis.

Please, don't get me wrong I enjoy "speaking life into others" but dang! All I'm around are people who are sick, broke, unorganized, depressed (etc) and it makes me think, were these wonderful people always like that? And if they were not, then why did I have to meet them now? Why could I have not met them back then? When they were living life, having fun...when they felt that the world was in their hands?

People think I'm joking when I tell them, I feel as if I have a duty. A duty that I can not run from or shake or even take a vacation from. The longer I wait or put it off, the more people who will need my attention. What for? I have no clue, because I'm just a lady that loves God and has a passion to help others. And that is all. I can not make money come out of my ears, or heal a sick body with a hug. No. I am not Jesus. But, I do have the love of God in me. And maybe that is what others are attracted too...

I am a firm believer that God can organize a life. Yet, sometimes I feel that he does not always snap his fingers and set thing in order because he is testing us. How much can we take before we break? And what do we need or what words need to be said in order to bring us back to life again?

Christmas Eve & Day: 2014 Reflection

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day Reflection: 

I guess people don't think that I have a life outside of them. It is not on their time and about what they want to do, then you better be beware of the "guilt you into doing something" monster. 

I have a confession to make: I need to be way more bluntly honest than I have been. Sometimes being "in love" or being in a relationship takes the "bite" out of the stink so to speak and softens you down so much, that you can no longer taste the "kick" in your holiday punch. 

But, that won't be me anymore...

I'm tired of people telling me things at the last minute and then expecting me to snap my magical fingers and BOOM! VA BOOM! I'm ready! At your service, with my slave chains on ready to serve you. 

Even, if I am told about an event in advance that does not guarantee that I will be able to go... why? Because I have a life outside of other people. And in particular I go where I am most appreciated and where I am most peaceful. If, I think there will be drama of any kind, I will not attend. Why? Because, I'd rather watch drama on TV than have it going on in my own life. 

It is hard to think clearly, (properly analyze) when you have a handful of people that complain about everything you do no matter how you do it, or how hard you try. It doesn't matter. IF they don't see you producing immediate results to their liking, then you get to be in the: HOT SEAT. I'm not available for interviews at this time, but when I am... I will let the world know. 

On the other hand, I had a very Soap Opera Christmas eve and a very peaceful Christmas Day. I never had a Christmas where I laughed so much, but I had a wonderful time. Not because I received tons of gifts, but because I got to spend time with people who I don't feel judge me on every little thing and mostly I got to just relax in who God created me to be. Loud, beautiful, dynamic and stunningly charming. 

I believe that 2015 will be a year of: 

#NoExcuses #FinishIt #BuildTheFoundation. 

2014: 

I learned that most times people don't really know what they can handle until they are in a situation that challenges them to look beyond their comfort zone. 

I also learned that no everyone who claims they are a "Christian" is really (trying) to follow Christ. Some people just use Jesus Christ as a ploy to get other people to "follow them" or "like" their facebook statuses. 

Welcome to a perfect world: Where you can be facebook famous for posting stuff that you really don't believe in or where you can take ten million selfies and feel like a celebrity for a day. Please! let us not forget the famous YOUTUBE special where you can get your 15 minutes of fame by doing tacky, obnoxious, even reckless videos and everyone praises you for being an idiot. 

Thank God 2015 is here. I'm ready to see what is next. 

Reflection: Virginia (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 2)

When you go from one extreme to the other, from not thinking that much about God to thinking and passionately sharing everything you know and learn about God with everyone who is willing to listen. 

You tend to look at yourself and everyone around you differently...

As I said in the first blog, this time last year I was praying to go home. The strange thing, that all my prayers did nothing because when God was ready for me to go home everything lined up perfectly... 

I tried to go home about fifteen different times, prior to actually leaving. 

So that is safe to say, you can pray all you want, but if what you ask for does not line up with the will of GOD, it will not happen. 

So, I learned to live realistically. No more hopeless romantic. No more giving people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone has an agenda. "Everyone lies."  

I use to think that if I loved enough, treated people with kindness and respect that good karma would always follow me. I made it my best effort to "live to be a blessing" only to have my love and efforts stepped on. 

So, if you ask me if I believe that a man and woman can love one another unconditionally. The answer is NO. Anytime you want someone to "be with you" you will always compromise some part of yourself to "keep" them. It is inevitable. 

When I became realistic about my walk with God, I started to feel more powerful. You see, in VA I had a lot of fun praising God. But I praised him from a fractured place. A place where, if I didn't focus my attention and time only on God I would have lost my mind. 

I use to be preachy the way most of the people I know are becoming. I use to tell people that God is so good. Well, since He is why don't you go find out just how GOOD GOD is? 

During that time, I tried to start a business that failed miserably. I started the business while I was in VA because I thought it would be a quick way to make enough money to pay my rent at the time. But, as soon as I started to get things going tragedy hit and the young man that introduced me to the business died of a blood clot to his heart. 

I never met the young man in real life, but we were pen pals since college. Always encouraging one another to be and do better in life. I never had a friend pass away. The fact that he was my friend opened my eyes to see just how cruel this world is. He left behind his little girl and a whole town of people who loved and respected him dearly. Bless his soul. He always tried to help when he could. 

He was an excellent listener.

R-E-A-W-A-K-E-N-I-N-G: Rise Of The Queen

I'm in a new place now.

Stronger

Wiser

Faster

Resilient

Comfortable In My Own Skin

I would say about, 8 months ago, all I wanted to do was die.  I couldn't think I could not function, my entire life revolved around "why me?" I felt defeated, raped and robbed of my joyful spirit. But, I knew that it was my own fault. I had to take responsibility for being so easily deceived. The devil tricked. Yeah, asshole got me. I didn't even see it coming. But, I realized that everything happens for a reason and that everything that is negative was turned around for my good.

I don't have any regrets about what I did, said, did not do or say while I was in VA, but every sleepless night, every tear, every moment of confusion led me to where I am today: peaceful. But cautious.

You see, I will never put another man on a pedestal again, nor will I ever allow a man to use his "resources" to allure me away from the flock. I was so happy to meet a man that I thought was about that "christian life." I thought him being about that life, would ignite a new passion in me to be about that life too. But it wasn't his desire to be about it that ignited my passion for God again, it was his (their) betrayal, the injustice, the murder of my child like spirit.

Every setback. Every stab in the back. Every sleepless night. It is all used for my good.

I had no choice but to delete many of the "family" that I met in VA from my Facebook because I was in a dark place. A very dark place. Such a dark place, that satan himself could have asked me to marry him and I would have said yes... yep, that dark. 

I had to cut them off, so I could focus and so that I could protect them from the anger and the hate that I felt toward and about that situation. I recently added a couple of the faces that I most admired back into my life. I only added the ones that were mature enough to understand what the "fight" is all about. Spiritual warriors for Gods' Love. 

The ones who don't run to mommy and daddy every time they get a scrape on their knee. You're a grown ass man/woman stop sucking on your mothers nipple and pick up a weapon and learn how to defend yourself. 

Stop blaming your screwed up life on other people. You made the choice to marry that person, or open your legs to that man and to have a baby with him. So now you deal with the consequences. 

Just like I made the choice to believe that they could be trusted.

We all make choices. But I don't run from my consequences. I face them head on, with complaints, without complaints. But I never give up and I never stop fighting. 

Yeah...I guess, I figure that if I had to learn how to fight out in a new place, on my own then others should learn how to too, because sooner or later their parents will leave this earth and they will be faced to meet the claws of injustice that rapes the world as we speak. 

To All The: Freaks, Misfits, Outcasts, MisUnderstoods,

I have changed. 

Love found me in the dark. 

And now I have changed. 

Affection desired to know my name. 

And now I have changed. 

It was inevitable. 

Like a promise that is untimely broken.

Instrument of Warfare: Maturity

I spent a lot of time taking breaks. Being upset at things that I had done, not wanting to accept that in those consequences there were things that I needed to "see." 
I am anger. I am pain. But, I am also Love. 
I believe that scars can be used as fuel to skyrocket us to the next level of Greatness. That sometimes this next level is subtle. It does not need an introduction. It does not need a immaculate parade. 

With wavy stick figure balloon men and princesses that invitingly waving at the children to coax them in a fantasy world of "its all right, because I'm pretty." When reality deems it otherwise. 
I am not afraid of death. Yet, the memories of my death can only haunt me if I choose to stay in them. Happy memories were my death. But, I escaped in the shadows. In the blackness of my heart. 

Accountability means that you are held responsible for whatever instrument of power that you are given or whatever choices that you have made in relation to that power. I begged God to take my heart out. So, I could feel nothing. Become an instrument of war and nothing else. And in me becoming and instrument of "war" God reminded me that, there doesn't need to be a fight.  That not all men were out to destroy me. 

Brutalize and torment my existence with their half ass promises of safety and dedication. When men look at me, I give them a wicked smile. And in that smile it tells them that they don't "want it." Because I'm a mission to "fight" Tango with the Lion of Judah, is what I was trying to warn the members of that community. A male in particular being so adamant that he could "handle me." But, it was I that saw his tears, his failure and his mistakes. It was I, that watched him drown in his own failure. And that was half of the other memory that not only reminded me that I am part human but also of why death was imperative. 

But in the darkness, I was re-introduce to an old friend that I did not want the responsibility of caring for: Maturity. 

Boring: If This is Hell (Cry Of The Warrior)

The only thing that is keeping me sane are my blogs and my journals. If this is hell then Jesus get me out of here because I'm bored. The only other time I was bored to death was when I was stuck in Virginia. 

I wish I could call God and ask him why he keeps putting me in these country ass situations, where I'm around families and kids all the time. Please, don't get me wrong kids are great, but as a single woman with no kids and trying to live my life I feel different about things. 

Young mothers' and fathers' care about the things that their children say and do, naturally they are the parent. But I don't. This is my time to be a little bit selfish in life. I spent enough of my time trying to build that "family life" that God approves of and now I don't' want to anything to do with it. 

When I first mentioned that if God didn't send my husband then all I wanted was money and motorcycle. I got a lot of flake for saying that from "small community Christians." 

I look at things differently. You have some that are in the military who strictly sit behind a desk all day and process papers. They are still considered soldiers. Then you have others who are out in the field who actually fight on the battlefield. Their perspective on life is a little bit different than the solider sitting behind the desk. 

That is how I feel about meeting Christians who have mommy to breast-feed them at 30 and daddy to kiss their boos and scrapes late into their 20's. Time to get off the nipple. I was so annoyed in Virginia because that's all I was around cookie cutter Christians. I only met like two who were actually warriors for Gods' love and understood about the "fight." Everyone else was clueless. How is your dad a pastor and a mom a teacher and you're clueless to what spiritual warfare is all about or you run from it? 

Please get me some soldiers who already know how to fight, in Jesus NAME. I can't have rookies watching my back. In translation: I was out in the field with rookies watching my back and that's when I got attacked big time. I'm still in recovery so to speak. A bit traumatized but its nothing that God himself, can't fix. Don't need a shrink to try and empathize with me. Just need some serious praise and worship time around people who are Warriors like myself. 

There was a point when I thought that a few of the rookies really understood what I was saying, but then I realized they were capable of understanding about spiritual warfare but they didn't know how to conduct themselves on the battlefield. Its like talking about a war that you only watched from a distance, but never actively took part in. You see all the moves and methods but you are not the one making them. 

So, I fought alone with the strength of God backing me. 

Chapter 3: Call To Greatness (Rise of the Queen) (Part 1)

Chapter 3: 

She had to step down from her position as the Queen because she knew that she was not setting the most "conventional" example of what a woman of God is suppose to represent. 

The Queen On Vacation: Respect The Journey (Murder Trial)

This is the scripture that was brought to my spiritual attention during work today: 

My intense bitterness obstructed my peace but You have loved my life back from the pit of corruption and nothingness: for You have cast all my sins behind your back (Isaiah 38:17).

Yes, I'm still pissed at the injustice done during my VA "murder trial" I didn't have anyone to defend me... you know the story. I had to cut some of the people who were about of my "murder" out of my life. Simply because they were advocates for injustice. They stood by and as Christian watched me be persecuted and did nothing to help me. Just stood there. Laughing. Because death is funny, right? 

Grieving doesn't just end overnight. People grieve differently. But, the thing is not to let grief consume you. I can talk about it because I'm half way out of this grieving over VA. I can feel myself rise to the woman that God needs me to be. Its incredible. The power. But, I have to maintain humility. 

I haven't been blogging as much as I normally do, because I needed more time to reflect. I felt myself getting too "self righteous" and "holier than thou." I could feel my mind beginning to think that I was better than other people, because of the new revelations that God was frequently revealing to me. 

The calling God has on my life I'm not ready to walk in, yet. 

My step back from the "battlefield" has not only given me time to reflect but also time to put myself in the shoes of the people that I was "beating down with scripture." 

Yes, I did talk about God 24/7. I was so happy to finally have a connection and relationship with the Lord, that I became over zealous in my joy. 

In my time in VA, I noticed that so called Christian friends were jealous of the relationship that I discovered with God. They were not on my level, so instead of learning more about God for themselves they decided to try and beat me down, ostracize me or ridicule me about the current situation. 

But, please don't get me wrong I still love very much and please don't ever think that just because I love, that I'm a door mat and you can talk to me any ol' kind of way either. God is still working on me... so there is no telling what I"m capable if provoked. 

Encouragement & The Ten Commandments

Why comfort yourselves together, and edify 

one another, even as also you do.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

A Blessing To Know: RIP Mark Bunch

As a "Queen through Christ" I often come into contact with a lot of tragedy. I find out on Friday Feb 28th 2014, that my friend Mark Bunch passed away. His death hit a little too close to home for me. 

I remember him being very kind spirited. He had the most positive outlook on life for a man that was apart of the military. He was also very encouraging. He would call to check on me every now and then just to make sure I was okay. He always spoke well of others, was very honest but in a kind way. 

I can't believe that he is gone, because I was just asking him for advice the other day. When I was "stuck" in VA he encouraged me to keep staying positive. He told me that I would be okay. He was right. That's why his passing away hurts me, he was "there" for me when everyone else seemed too busy. I don't have too many man friends who can I say have actually kept their word to me. Mark is a good example of an honest man. That's rare to find these days. 
I thank God I had the chance to be apart of his life and to know him.

RIP Mark, thank you so much for reminding me to stay positive and for being a reminder of a source of strength for me when I lost mine. Love you bunches! 

(Reflection) Adventure in VA: Purpose to Sing

(Reflection)Adventure in VA: the majority of the lady and men folk I met can sing all day. I found a "family" in the community of passionate singers (that was my gift) like myself.

Yet, sometimes when us singers get together it feels more like a competition and some days in my time there that's what it felt like. Competition, Favoritism, and Jealousy. When I'm in a choir I'm there to learn. Even if I'm not that passionate about the song. I enjoy learning it anyway, because there is always something NEW you can take from something unfavorable.

A part of me didn't feel that I had any room to spread my "singing wings." I wanted to much to do more. My spirit was always calling to serve, but as soon as I would get up enough courage to say something about that, then someone else had already taken the "position" or the position was already given to someone else out of favoritism. 

Please, don't get me wrong I love to sing, any music that can be used to edify God, encourage or inspire another life to do better in their own I'm all for. But, favoritism. I'm not for that. How do you know that someone else isn't more qualified for the position? You never even gave them a chance. 

But on another note:

I met a young lady and man who both have excellent classical voices. When I discovered that they could sing like that, I almost choked on my own happiness. lol Wow! people that like classical music like me! Cool! haha

It was a "learning" experience. But, more than that I learned that in order to lead you have to be able to follow and take instruction. You can't be a leader and think you know it all, because God will end up showing you a thing or two that just might blow your mind

Beauty From Pain: Big Blue Exotic Creature (Justice)

Being in Woodbridge Virginia, is a lot to reflect on because the entire experience was a "first time" one. I met some very talented young men and women who are on their way to becoming pastors, preachers, evangelists, teachers of the word etc It was almost like I was in that movie Avatar with those big blue exotic alien looking creatures.

The Truth About My VA Trip: I Hope You're Still Laughing When The Devil Comes Knocking

The reason why I was so upset about the whole "situation" in Woodbridge, VA was not because I felt like he tricked me. Now I know that, that whole setup was by the devil. 

I understood that he needed to get his life in order. No one's life is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. But, nothing that I ever did in life rendered me to deserve what he did to me...
But first, why would you invite someone into your life when your life is not in order in the first place? 

And then second (to point the finger back at me and take responsibility) why did I accept being in his life when I had somewhat of a clue that his life was not in order? I was happy. I was "in love" with who he portrayed himself to be. He played the role of a dedicated, committed Christian man of God, well. The worst part about it was that only one other person besides his parents knew about his true nature. But no one bothered to give me a "heads up." I guess they thought my being in his life would influence him to do right. But no, only God has that kind of power. On top of that if he doesn't choose to be a better man for himself, he will never be. He has to make the choice.... 

SO! You Want To Be A Leader???

I'm learning a lot about myself in this journey of "firsts." The only person that I can self reflect on is me. If, I want those around me change or have a more positive energy in their lives, then I have to be a source of positive energy, does that make sense? 

I know how to lead, but I don't know how to lead a team. Normally, when I put myself out there people just follow me or copy after what I want, but when I realize that they are following me then I take myself out of the spotlight and hide. 

I don't like people to copy off of me. I want everyone to be themselves and be original. But, since I'm called to reflect Christ, there is NO ME. It is only the fruit of the spirit of GOD that other people need to see me walking, talking and living in. 

Here are the fruits of the spirit: 

I think right now, I'm learning how to walk in love, peace and joy. See, I know how to lead when it comes to business, like getting a team college project done or doing a company team portfolio project! Hands down! I gotta it! Now I just have to transfer that same passionate spirit, to learning how to be about the Lords' business. 

Sometimes I let what is troubling me show on my face. In other words I don't really have a good poker face. haha When something isn't right in my spirit it will certainly show on my face! 

When people do me "dirty" and I KNOW that they did me dirty but they walk around like nothing ever happen, it will certainly show on my face. I don't like liars. I don't like cowards. 

With that said... I have to learn that everyone is at a different level in their spiritual walks. Some are on level one and others are on level 8. I also have to remember that there are also levels of maturity. As long as I stay grounded in the level of maturity that God has me at, then I know that others will eventually (after much prayer lol) rise to my level of commitment and dedication. I have learned to leave my "baggage outside the front door" before I go into choir rehearsal. I try not to bring any worries from the day into my praise and worship and or choir rehearsals. If, I do then I don't feel like my entire attention is on God. 

The 21 Day Fast Is Over: Come on God, lets go! Been here too long.

I'm ready to move on with my life. I have been here for 6 months and although, I have met some awesome people. I don't feel like I'm going to get much done here, for what I need to take care of. 
I want to go to a place where I can finally use my gifts to their maximum. I like opera and I like classical music. Those two combinations would probably bore most of the community here. 

I miss my grandmother. I miss being around the people that I can vibe with. With the people that I know love and care about me. Many here have been very kind, yes and I'm thankful for their kindness. But, its nothing like having your own family and friends to be around. A lot of these young men and women have known each other from high school or from when the church first got started. So, its awkward to still be in the group when he is not there. I feel like, an abandon pup, that lost its pack and had to tag along with another pack just to be taught how to survive etc...

I honestly, can't believe that I'm still here. I thought I would have either been home by now or moved to Alexandria or even out of the state. But, nope. I'm still here. 

I designated this journey as the: Journey of firsts, because much of what I have been exposed to and or done has been a first time experience. For example I just got done doing a 21 day D****** fast (*ugh* out of all the fasts in the bible it had to be that one, right? <insert sarcasm-why don't you pour some salt on my wounds while your at it. No better yet, just take the knife and stab me in the back in the same place where the wound is, yeah, that's more like it! It really hits the spot! More torture). 

But, that fast is over, so I'm going to make a video blog about all the things that happen to me during the fast and all the changes that I went through during it. 

Anyway: I'm in a poetic mood. I decided to put all of the poems I wrote this morning into this space, so they would all be in one location:

Revelations. Reflections. Words of Wisdom. Advice (part 1)

I seem to have the most to say between 11pm and about 6am in the morning. I don't know why those are the times that I want to talk the most. I'm different in that way. When everyone else is sleeping, I'm wide awake watching the world spin without seeing anything actually move, so to speak. 

If I couldn't write or type, I would probably die. Why do I say that? Because I don't connect much with what society thinks is cool nowadays. I don't even connect with what much of the "Christian community" is doing either. I'm in a category of my own. To understand me, you would have to suffer greatly and most of the young adults here, seem to still be children to me. They have mommies and daddies who kiss their boo boos and put band-aids on their scraped knees. 

We are adults now. Time for many of them to suck it up and walk bold for Christ. Leave the "nest" of security and go into ministry.