You Are The Life of The (((PARTY)))

I have not been able to write in this blog in awhile.

Here are some things that are going on in my life, that I hope that someone out in the "real world" can understand...

Everyone wants to laugh (hee hee haa haa) when things are going great. It is always a fun time when the party is in motion. But, what happens when the party is over and it is time to clean up? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the stinky beer rings on your table, floor and chairs? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the throw up from too much drinking, the blood from the fights and organize your home back to the way it was? 

I refuse to let people come into MY LIFE and trash it with their insecurities, their failures, broken promises and lies. 

"Oh, I don't lie..." Really? Anyone who says they don't lie. Is a liar. Everyone tells a lie a some point in their life. But you should 

NEVER

EVER

EVER

EVER

EVER
LIE 

TO THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT

YOU

THE MOST

The LoneWolf Leader: My Choice (Part 2)

It took every ounce of positive energy that I had left in my little fragile body about a year or so ago, not to do the unthinkable...

Yet, when I tried to explain how I felt or what I was going through the people I thought would care the most pretty much told me that it was my "choice" to go to Virginia (so that I could try to start a new life for myself, make money, save money and send it back to my grandmother...). It was my "choice" to believe that another christian would love and care about me, while I was the most vulnerable...

Yes, Yes, I know.

It was my choice.

Just like removing myself from their life was also: MY CHOICE.

Boring: If This is Hell (Cry Of The Warrior)

The only thing that is keeping me sane are my blogs and my journals. If this is hell then Jesus get me out of here because I'm bored. The only other time I was bored to death was when I was stuck in Virginia. 

I wish I could call God and ask him why he keeps putting me in these country ass situations, where I'm around families and kids all the time. Please, don't get me wrong kids are great, but as a single woman with no kids and trying to live my life I feel different about things. 

Young mothers' and fathers' care about the things that their children say and do, naturally they are the parent. But I don't. This is my time to be a little bit selfish in life. I spent enough of my time trying to build that "family life" that God approves of and now I don't' want to anything to do with it. 

When I first mentioned that if God didn't send my husband then all I wanted was money and motorcycle. I got a lot of flake for saying that from "small community Christians." 

I look at things differently. You have some that are in the military who strictly sit behind a desk all day and process papers. They are still considered soldiers. Then you have others who are out in the field who actually fight on the battlefield. Their perspective on life is a little bit different than the solider sitting behind the desk. 

That is how I feel about meeting Christians who have mommy to breast-feed them at 30 and daddy to kiss their boos and scrapes late into their 20's. Time to get off the nipple. I was so annoyed in Virginia because that's all I was around cookie cutter Christians. I only met like two who were actually warriors for Gods' love and understood about the "fight." Everyone else was clueless. How is your dad a pastor and a mom a teacher and you're clueless to what spiritual warfare is all about or you run from it? 

Please get me some soldiers who already know how to fight, in Jesus NAME. I can't have rookies watching my back. In translation: I was out in the field with rookies watching my back and that's when I got attacked big time. I'm still in recovery so to speak. A bit traumatized but its nothing that God himself, can't fix. Don't need a shrink to try and empathize with me. Just need some serious praise and worship time around people who are Warriors like myself. 

There was a point when I thought that a few of the rookies really understood what I was saying, but then I realized they were capable of understanding about spiritual warfare but they didn't know how to conduct themselves on the battlefield. Its like talking about a war that you only watched from a distance, but never actively took part in. You see all the moves and methods but you are not the one making them. 

So, I fought alone with the strength of God backing me. 

Chapter 3: Call To Greatness (Rise of the Queen) (Part 1)

Chapter 3: 

She had to step down from her position as the Queen because she knew that she was not setting the most "conventional" example of what a woman of God is suppose to represent. 

Instrument of War: (Wrath and Righteous Anger)

It is only by the use of the Word of God and

Through Christ Jesus that any human can have any real power that can rise against evil forces. 

These are recordings of a day in the life of a Queen through Christ. 

Her every day struggles of what a realistic walk with Christ can be like. No one is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. Yet, some criticize, stand back and wait for you to fall and die. While others stand and gaze on with a tinge of admiration that quickly turns into jealousy. 

But, not to be discouraged. 

The Queen On Vacation: Respect The Journey (Murder Trial)

This is the scripture that was brought to my spiritual attention during work today: 

My intense bitterness obstructed my peace but You have loved my life back from the pit of corruption and nothingness: for You have cast all my sins behind your back (Isaiah 38:17).

Yes, I'm still pissed at the injustice done during my VA "murder trial" I didn't have anyone to defend me... you know the story. I had to cut some of the people who were about of my "murder" out of my life. Simply because they were advocates for injustice. They stood by and as Christian watched me be persecuted and did nothing to help me. Just stood there. Laughing. Because death is funny, right? 

Grieving doesn't just end overnight. People grieve differently. But, the thing is not to let grief consume you. I can talk about it because I'm half way out of this grieving over VA. I can feel myself rise to the woman that God needs me to be. Its incredible. The power. But, I have to maintain humility. 

I haven't been blogging as much as I normally do, because I needed more time to reflect. I felt myself getting too "self righteous" and "holier than thou." I could feel my mind beginning to think that I was better than other people, because of the new revelations that God was frequently revealing to me. 

The calling God has on my life I'm not ready to walk in, yet. 

My step back from the "battlefield" has not only given me time to reflect but also time to put myself in the shoes of the people that I was "beating down with scripture." 

Yes, I did talk about God 24/7. I was so happy to finally have a connection and relationship with the Lord, that I became over zealous in my joy. 

In my time in VA, I noticed that so called Christian friends were jealous of the relationship that I discovered with God. They were not on my level, so instead of learning more about God for themselves they decided to try and beat me down, ostracize me or ridicule me about the current situation. 

But, please don't get me wrong I still love very much and please don't ever think that just because I love, that I'm a door mat and you can talk to me any ol' kind of way either. God is still working on me... so there is no telling what I"m capable if provoked. 

For The Ladies: Saving Mentality (Part 2)

This is for my ladies. I haven't been able to write much because I have dealing with business "stuff." God is opening new doors. 

What I wanted to talk about is the saving mentality (part 2). 

Many people don't want to admit that this is what can happen when you are not steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the good work of the Lord. 

Ladies you can not use your body to save another man from his "demons." Human suffering is very real. But, when a man comes to you looking to be sexual intimate with you, no matter what the reason is, you have to give him the word of God. And nothing else. 

When you use your body to "save" or bring "comfort" to a man that is not your husband, you set yourself back and you block God from healing his wounds. You become an enabler. You stand in the way of the work that God needs to do in his life. 

I know, he just got out of a relationship that left his heart broken. 

But, you have to stand firm in your confidence and trust in God. Pray for him. Send him scriptures. But remember that sharing your body will not heal him. It will only strengthen the lust spirit that is on him. Some of you are very kind hearted and very sweet and any man who is just looking to have sex with take advantage. But you know who God created you to be. A gem. A jewel. Is princess. His priceless gift. And any man that can not respect that who you are is a daughter of God, has no place in your life. 

The love of God in you is a gift. If you use your body to try to "save" or "comfort" a man, you cheapen that gift in you. 
Summary: When men come to you looking for sex. You pray for them. Give them the word of God. Put them on the altar. And you keep it moving. It is not your job to "save" any man. That job belongs to Jesus only. 
I love you. Stay safe. 

A Blessing To Know: RIP Mark Bunch

As a "Queen through Christ" I often come into contact with a lot of tragedy. I find out on Friday Feb 28th 2014, that my friend Mark Bunch passed away. His death hit a little too close to home for me. 

I remember him being very kind spirited. He had the most positive outlook on life for a man that was apart of the military. He was also very encouraging. He would call to check on me every now and then just to make sure I was okay. He always spoke well of others, was very honest but in a kind way. 

I can't believe that he is gone, because I was just asking him for advice the other day. When I was "stuck" in VA he encouraged me to keep staying positive. He told me that I would be okay. He was right. That's why his passing away hurts me, he was "there" for me when everyone else seemed too busy. I don't have too many man friends who can I say have actually kept their word to me. Mark is a good example of an honest man. That's rare to find these days. 
I thank God I had the chance to be apart of his life and to know him.

RIP Mark, thank you so much for reminding me to stay positive and for being a reminder of a source of strength for me when I lost mine. Love you bunches! 

The "VOICE OF REASON"

I have been in Woodbridge Virginia for about 6 months and the only thing that has changed is: me. People seem to be envious of that. You would think that "Christians" those who go to church every Sunday, work in the church nursery, praise and worship God right beside me would be glad that I finally made the choice to let God take over my life. But no. They still hold grudges. They still have unpleasant things to say about me. The funny part is that they think that I don't know. But, I know as much as the Lord allows me to hear and to see. So, I do "know." 

Forgiving "Judas" & Can Someone Else Get A Turn?

Changes. They are inevitable. You can be ready to make and be that change, all day, but if they (your family, friends, neighbors, brothers and sisters in Christ) are not ready to receive those changes in you, then the value of those changes have to be put on hold. 

Let me say this again. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes all the time, but the difference is that I self reflect, repent and then try to make the situation right. But, how can you make a situation right, if the other party is not willing to "hear" you out? 

You can't. So, that's when you put it and leave it in the hands of God. Something that I'm still learning how to do. I come from a background where I'm use to doing things for myself. I tend to be more of "lone" wolf. So to come to a community filled with so much love (for most of them the love is genuine) it really baffled me. 

Fill My Cup with Love: Take The Bullet For You

I tried to love them the best way i knew how. I came here seeking fun. I came here thinking that I would "big ball." I thought we would be a "bonnie and clyde." Tag team duo fighting the world together. But I forget one key team player: GOD. The author and chief. The commander. The King of Kings and The Lord of Lords.

And there I was telling God, "I can love him... I'll stand in the gap and intercede on his behalf. I'll take the spiritual beatings. Please put his burdens on me..."

And God, was like "thats a nice gesture, but you arent strong enough..."

And when that realization hit me, at first I was sad, then I was upset then I was furious. Not strong enough, my flesh roar! what do you mean I'm not strong enough?

God wasnt referring to my physical strength, mental or emotional in particular. He was talking about my spirit.

How am I going to stand in the gap for someone with the love of God if I am not filled in spirit all the way, completely with his (God) love?

All I wanted to do was take their pain away. All I wanted to do was protect them from getting hurt. I could feel their pain seep into my spirit. The heaviness burdened my soul, because I could do nothing that would give them hope, or restore their joy because I did not know enough about the word of God.

"How am I going to be a healer in someone else's life when I'm not even filled with the right medicines (the word of God, his love and peace...) to heal myself?

What I learned is that two broken people can't fix one another. They will always be seeking for the other person to validate their life. If they are not confident in God, they will never be satisfied nor fulfulled in their life. They will constantly be looking for a "distraction" from their troubles when they should be focused on God to lead and guide them.

I can say this now, in good faith because I saw who I was before without God leading me, to where I am now with God at the front and center. I will admit that some of the things that the Lord has me doing or being apart of don't make sense, in the moment. But they always do later on, when someone else is life is changed or someone gets saved etc through the struggles, pain and hurt that I had to go through in order to have a powerful testimony to change many lives.

My life is not my own, I knew that ever since I lost my mother. If I am to be about the business of God, I have to take all emotion out of it. Everyone is in need of something, did God equip me with the right tools to help them? If so, then let me help. If not, then let me pray for them so that they can be sent the proper person with the right tools. Amen?

Glory be to God!

 



Kingdom Minded: Daddy, Is He The One???

A few main things that a lady should ask herself before she even thinks about praying to ask God if he is "the one" or not:

1. What is his relationship with God like? Does he even have a relationship with God? Does he put and keep God first in every decision that he makes?

2. How does he treat his mother? What is his relationship with his mother like? Does he respect her? What does he say about her when he is around her and what does he say when he is not around her?

3. What is attitude toward life like? Is he always looking at all the negative things in life? Does he complain when things don't go his way? Or does he pray and trust that God will fix it?

4. Is he standing as a leader? Is he kingdom minded? Does he love God? Does he seek to sow seeds of kindness and love wherever he goes? Is he committed, consistent, constant to(in) his walk with Christ?

Why would God send me a king through Christ if I'm not even walking in the position that he (A Queen through Christ) has called me to rise to many months ago?

I can't ask my husband to be all the things that I'm not. If I want him to be a strong leader then I have to be a strong leader to. Naturally some situations are debateable but for general purposes that's how it is.

I attend a women's leadership conference, entitled: Arise. And I learned a lot from other Christian women who were both single and married. It was so nice to see so many young married Christian women. It gave me hope, that God has someone out there for me too.

But then I started thinking... I keep saying that I want the "perfect man..." but am I the "perfect woman" that he is looking for? I had to get really, real with myself about answering that question, which wasn't impossible to do.

When came to the realization of my answer I realized that in my life I had made a lot of mistakes for why I wasn't getting things done, blaming other people for this and for that. When the truth of the situation was simple: It all has to do with me. Yes, people can play a role in situations, but how I reacted to those situations, what I said, what I did, the thoughts that popped into my mind played the biggest role.

Yes, my thoughts and how I reacted to those situations played the greatest roles. If I would have approached the situations with patience, the love of Christ in my heart then many of the pains that I went through more than likely could have been avoided.

If I would have taken the time to pray more and worry less. Then right now the person I love and care about the most would probably be a speaking terms. But, in my flesh I got mad. I was selfish. I wanted things "my way or the highway." I had a bad attidue and looked at the negative in everything. Always stressing. Always worrying. Have little next to no faith in God.

Why would any man want to marry that? A worrier. A nagger. A doubter? The answer is they wouldn't. If I am to be a good wife. An excellent helpmate. I have to walk in the love, peace and truth of God daily. Not just on the days when he makes me feel loved and "special." I have to put and keep God first no matter what situations that my husband and I go through. I have to put all my faith, truth, hope and confidence in God leaning on his word; continuing to be an example of the love of God so just in case my husband is not at his best and having an off day, he can look at me and be inspired, encouraged to keep fighting against the negative.

This world is hard enough, why make it more difficult by being selfish and mean?

The truth is, that all the things that I am fully aware of now. I was vaguely famililar with. Like I saw the movie title but I did not see the preview type of deal. So, i knew that I should be sweet, nice, king and show love. But I did not know how to walk in it properly. And when I tried to do it on my own I failed miserably. What was I missing?

Answer: The word of GOD.
         
It is easy to say that you love someone, but DO YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEONE the way the bible (the way GOD) says you should love someone?

Do you get upset and cut them out of your life when they say something you don't like?

If you do that's not showing love. And when I thought about that, I was like "wow! That's really opposite of how God says to love...."

Do you throw a tantrum whenever someone doesn't do what you say, when you want?

If you do that's not showing love either.

Do you talk about someone's behavior during one of their off days and blog it to the whole wide world, because you don't understand the situation and you are mad at them?

If you do (and I'm guilty of doing that, had to repent and apologize asap!) then that's not showing love.

God would never blog about all the mistakes that I did and all the times that I wasn't at my very best. I choose to write about those times because my life is a testimony and every major life change that I go through I want people to see what God taught, how God changed me and how he (God) worked it all out... In other words all the glory goes back to GOD!

But, God does not favor that type of behavior. And when I realized that I did those things I had to repent immediately and apologize. Then I had to change the way I think about writing. Writing should never be a tool to cut down or destroy someone else. It should be used to encourage, support and uplift someone else at all times.

So I had to get really serious about changing. And it started with asked God to "Renew in me a clean heart and the right spirit."

In the past I would ask God to do that, but I did not fully believe that he would. So, I rebuked the doubt, fear and uncertainty and I jumped head first into the pool of Gods' promises.

I want to be the most loving, caring, supportive, dedicated, kind, gentle, meek, patient, wise, humble wife that my husband will ever be married to. I want him to see the light and love of God shine through me every day no matter what situation that life throws my way. I want him to look at me and when he feels weak, know that he can come to me and I will help him (because I'm his helpmate), through prayer, reading the word (scriptures) find God in order for him to get back to being strong in the Lord again.

I want to be so rooted in the word of God, that God will fill me with the wisdom, strength, and love to help my husband deal with any and all situations that he life may throw at him.

I want to be supportive. But most of all I want to love my husband. I us to put, keep and love God with all our heart(s) together. I want us to pray, read the bible, go to bible study, be active members in church, minister, stand as leaders, teach and share the love of God together... with those who need it the most.

But before any of that can happen I have to allow God to get me straight and in order and focused. So when God sends my husband I will already be prepared. And he and I won't have to waste time having God to do too much "clean up" in our lives. And we can get started, together, on teaching and preaching the gospels all over the world (if that is what God leads us to do).

It is not impossible, because I have God on my side. And all things are possible with God on my team.



 

 

Since When do Alpha Males Throw Tantrums? Get real!

Right now I'm in my flesh. I'm writing from my flesh and not from my spirit.
I'm so tired of meeting men who claim to be the "alpha male" then when things don't go their way they throw a tantrum. They revert to children. The whole time I'm sitting back like "wow and I thought you were the alpha male." Since when do alpha males give up when things get tough and throw tantrums. Men claim they want honesty and communication then they meet me and I'm honest, brutally honest and they can't handle it. So that makes you too weak. He was right, he is too weak for me. Had the look for an alpha male but the spirit of a coward. How does that work?

Instead of just being honest and opening their mouth and saying "When you say that or this it makes me feel uncomfortable please don't talk about that..." They storm off and attend a private pity party. So, you are suppose to be the father of my children? So, you are suppose to be the man that I share my body with and have children with and you can't even look me in the eyes and talk to me? So much for your communication.

And yet, you expect for God to bless you with a wife and children (your own child) when you act like that. Why would God give you one of his most precious jewels to protect when you can't even control your temper? It doesn't matter what was said or did, the point is are you strong enough to look past it and move on with life? Are you going to hold a grudge forever and waste time on being mad, instead of loving and caring about me like you so genuinely stated when everything was going great and flowing the way you wanted it to?

How are you the alpha male when you just give up on people like that? No wonder you are stuck at the same job doing the same thing, because you aren't ready to be a leader. No wonder, you work so hard and bust your ass for nothing because you are not ready to be a leader. It is about attitude. It is about being committed to fighting for the good of the whole and not just yourself. If, you can easily walk away when we are one little fight, I just image how much worse it would be after we had children. I guess, its a good thing that I didn't marry you, because you would have left my ass pregnant with two kids and not knowing what to do because your a coward. No wonder your loved one was taken away because you were not and are not in a position to take care of them anyway. So much for alpha male. Protector my ass.

I was woman enough to admit that I did not speak in love, but even after you yelled at me and said all those hateful things I still didn't give up on you. I still sat there and wanted to talk about it. The messed up thing is that you lied. Now I know that you are a liar and that's one of things I don't put up with a liar and a COWARD.

So, yeah, if you die an old man guess you will know why.

I stayed true to what I said about caring, but I guess that was not enough. That's why I don't give men the time of day, because they all lie, stab you in the back, abandon you, step all over your kindness, throw tantrums then runaway. I HATE MEN! I hate their stupid selfish attitudes. Walking around thinking they own everything. I HATE MEN! Every time a man looks my direction I get UPSET. What are you looking at? Don't even think about talking to me because I don't want to hear it. No good for nothing bum ass loser. Every guy I ever meet is a loser. I keep trying to go for the nice guys because maybe there is "LOVE" there, but NOPE still selfish. How are you 36 years old and you have the maturity of a 15 year old. GET REAL? We had an argument big deal, but you are still butt hurt over it? OH MY GOSH! I'm so done! OLD, YOUNG, BLACK or WHITE it doesn't matter. They are all the same.
.

Realistic Fairy-tale Wedding, Marriage and Life

I want to be with a man who, when I run to him because I need help he says, "baby I'll take care of it." I want my husband to be so rooted in God that the second I step into the room he can tell if I'm in the right spirit or not. I want to look into his eyes and see more than just lust. I see depth, passion, life, joy, hope, strength. When I'm in his arms I want to fall asleep knowing that I'm protected and safe. I want him to be thoughtful, have a heart of compassion for others. I want him to be romantic (not every day of course lol let's be realistic but during those moments when I'm feel particularly needy that's when he needs to come up with something creative to remind me that I'm loved. 

It is very hard to have a life where you don't have any immediate family around you. And yes, there is the church family but at night they go home to their immediate families and I go home alone. Even, the lady I live with I'm very thankful for her life and for allowing me to stay here. 
But I hear her children and grand daughter playing, laughing and talking throughout the house and it makes me sad a little bit in my spirit. That's the one thing that I have always wanted ever since I lost my mother was a family. My own family. I love to love Gods people and when I don't have anyone around to share all this love with, it makes me feel useless and disconnected from God. 

How Much Do You Want More of God? (Call To Ministry Part 2, New Direction...)

I attended a different church this morning. I was lead to attend a small church on the other side of town. The intimacy of it reminds me of reaping the harvest. I was welcomed, but I didn't really feel the presence of the holy spirit there until we started to pray.

I'm use to attending a church where I walk in and the anointing is so high that it immediately cleans up your spirit and the second you step into the door. 

I don't know if I'm biased or if I'm just use to being around strong, highly anointed followers of Christ. Those who are met were kind but they were more of church for outreach, more than a church that teaches about the bible. Also, they are just kind of starting. I'm going to pray about it, of course and if God says so, then I will help out and start their praise and worship team. 

I feel that God is calling me to do more than just praise him. I feel like I'm suppose to go out and talk about how awesome God is and how faithful and merciful God is. But, I'm not sure what direction he wants me to go in with this ministry. 

So I'm praying on that too... 

I'm also praying that God sets things in motions so that I can be married soon. I'm excited about becoming the wife to a wonderful strong man of faith. I wish my family in NC could share in this joy with me. I miss them very much, but I'm sure that he and I will get around to visiting NC soon. 

I'm finally happy for the first time in awhile and I'm not letting anyone steal my joy. He respects the fact that I'm a writer. But most importantly he doesn't try to beat down my intelligence or belittle my passion for God. I was so tired of having to play the hush, hush game. Don't sing too loud. Don't praise God too loud or too much because you might offend or scare someone away... 

IF my passion for GOD is that strong to scare someone away from going to church, then that means they were not truly sold out for Jesus in the first place. There should be no man nor woman that takes you away from your passion, praise and yearning for Gods' truth. 

If I were out in the world, like in the old days all this struggle would not exist. I would have everything that I want and I would be spoiled. Men would flock to my feet and give me whatever I wanted. But, I don't CHOOSE to live my life that way. I want to leave a legacy of Greatness that reflects Gods' love, light and truth. I want something more than just superficial, temporary highs. I know that there is more. And God is the key to that something more... 

New Heights: Rising of the Queen, Marriage & Reflections

The truth is that since I have been here, I have learned a lot more about friendships. Sometimes you meet people who truly care about your life and want to see you do well in life. In other cases you learn about people only to find that the only reason they are your friend is because they want to be "nosy" and have all the private details into your life. 

The sad thing is, that often times it is the people that you trust the most that end up stabbing you in the back or end up being more concerned about being "nosy" than about being a real friend. 

People change every single day, but how they change is what you have to look out for...

The Love, Beauty and Power of GOD: A life of Adventure

I feel like a queen without her castle/kingdom. I feel like I took a journey away from my kingdom to go do business in another kingdom. I know that God has called me to do something great. I know that he is molding me for greater. Preparing me to be equipped and handle the absolute best that he has just for me. I'm ready to go to he next level and nothing and no one is going to stand in my way from getting what God has for me. I tried to include other people in my blessings, but then they got jealous and weak in their spirit and let the devil control them. I don't need any weaklings on my team. 

That's why I asked God to send me his strongest warriors. Not just the strongest, but the strongest of the strong. Each day is a spiritual battle and those who don't believe that are foolish. The enemy is constantly trying to put doubt in your mind or turn you away fro GOD. So you have to fight for your sanity! 

When Daddy Comes Home: Bruised But Not Defeated

Thank you God for my new job. Thank you for my own new car. Thank you for this house I live in, the bed I sleep in. Thank you God for the lady I stay with. Thank you God for the good health in my grandmothers' body. Thank you God for your faithfulness, protection, mercy, grace and peace in and over my life. Thank you God for your love in me. Thank you God for your light in me. Thank you God for opening all the doors that you want me to walk through. Thank you God for filling my life with loving, caring, kind of heart followers of Christ, who are passionate and on fire for your love. 

Reflection of Bible Study 10-14-2013 (Take A Back Seat)

What I took from bible study: Is that God wants me to sit back. To stop giving so much. I give so much to everyone else that I don't have any energy left to take care of myself with. I care about Gods people. I want to see them happy, successful. So I spend the majority of my time praying for others, because I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW that GOD moves quickly when I pray for other people. I feel joy when I get to hear someone tell me that they received that job that they have been praying for, or God opened a new door in some kind of way... 

I enjoy attending bible study, because it is the only real time, other than church when I get to be around others who are truly passionate about God the way I am. 

But this time, instead of always being first to speak or always being the leader. I felt God telling me to sit back and observe. To be vigilant. Watchful. I did very little talking last night. 

I have many revelations throughout the week, but the one that is most strongest is about forgiveness. 

The only thing I want to do is apologize to him to his face. That's it. I just want things to be right between us. Even if he doesn't want to be my friend afterward that's okay but at least I got to apologize so the weight on my heart would not be so heavy. 

That's all that pray for that God will send him back into my life so I can apologize and move on... 

I will never understand why he chose to just turn his back on me and close the door to even a friendship, even after promising that he would be there for me and that we would still be friends.... 

You just don't treat people that way. Say one thing and then do another. I'm not perfect, but I would never turn my back on someone that I claimed to care about and love. Even if we were not in agreement on everything in life, so what? we are not always going to agree on everything. God made us unique individuals. 

But at the core, to give up on someone that you claim to love and care about because you are jealous of them or you don't like what they said or how they responded or whatever... is childish and petty. I'm done with the foolishness. 

I just want to apologize to his face, then go on my way because I know that God has greater and better things in store for me. 

I love him very much. I thank God that he sent him into my life to bring me closer to him(GOD). I pray that he stays focused on GOD, only. And walk in the path that God predestined for him to walk. In the name of Christ Jesus. The son of the living God. Amen. 

Single and Ready to Mingle: Wait! Missionary Work?

When I think about who God is cleaning me up to be I found see myself in this form:

 
 Except I'm brown skin lol 

But as a queen with a lot of responsibility, power and authority backed under my belt. That title and position is what God called me to a few months ago, but I was not ready to accept it. 

I was so consumed in taking care of my bestfriend at the time and making sure that they were protected from the negative spirits that I knew were trying to attack them. Unfortunately they did not listen to me and lo an behold they found themselves in a hole and so did I for trying to help them and I missed out on the new car that God was going to bless me with... *sigh*

There are small parts of me that want to throw in the towel and say forget this. I really want to move on with my life. I want the things that God has for me. I know that somehow I'm suppose to start a ministry. It has been mentioned to me several times since being here, yet I have to be careful. When you do ministry work you are responsible for the souls of people. 

For some reason I feel compelled to help people. To comfort them. To hold them in my arms. To sing to them. To pray with them. Teach them about the love of God and how wonderful and awesome God is. I feel like if I don't get a chance to share this passion for God my head is going to pop clean off my body!

I'm normally a "lone wolf." I normally stay to myself. If you don't bother me then I won't bother you, type of person. But, recently here I have been feeling like I need to be more active in church and in the community. 

There is a message that the people need to hear and I know that God has birthed one in me to share, yet there are so many messages...

I have to pray, then I have to ask God to set up the right setting for the message to be heard in. 

A small part of me feels like God is cleaning me up so fast, that even I can't keep up. I still want to go out dancing, live life being a young folk but I found that God has placed me in the environment that a wife/mother should be in and not in a "college party" environment that my flesh would like to be apart of. 

Yeah, the environment I'm in is really not made for a single lady like myself. I'm suppose to be around other young folks who are single and ready to mingle like me... but I find that always surrounded, by families, couples, single mothers and children. All the time. 

"Hey GOD, did you forget that I'm single and I want to mingle?" lol

No, I'm sure he has not...