Instrument of War: (Wrath and Righteous Anger)

It is only by the use of the Word of God and

Through Christ Jesus that any human can have any real power that can rise against evil forces. 

These are recordings of a day in the life of a Queen through Christ. 

Her every day struggles of what a realistic walk with Christ can be like. No one is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. Yet, some criticize, stand back and wait for you to fall and die. While others stand and gaze on with a tinge of admiration that quickly turns into jealousy. 

But, not to be discouraged. 

I'm So Glad To be the Third Wheel and Fifth Wheel

Life has a sense or humor. When I was stuck in Virginia I found myself surrounded by families, young married couples and children. I'm single and I don't have children, so why would I want to spend my time around families, young married couples and children all day? 

Please don't get me wrong I love children. When I'm around kids I change into a completely different person. I'm more sweet. I'm more gentle. I'm way more patient. But, I still have to remember that I'm single and I don't have children. So at the end of the day. It is still just me, myself and I. 

The Queen On Vacation: Respect The Journey (Murder Trial)

This is the scripture that was brought to my spiritual attention during work today: 

My intense bitterness obstructed my peace but You have loved my life back from the pit of corruption and nothingness: for You have cast all my sins behind your back (Isaiah 38:17).

Yes, I'm still pissed at the injustice done during my VA "murder trial" I didn't have anyone to defend me... you know the story. I had to cut some of the people who were about of my "murder" out of my life. Simply because they were advocates for injustice. They stood by and as Christian watched me be persecuted and did nothing to help me. Just stood there. Laughing. Because death is funny, right? 

Grieving doesn't just end overnight. People grieve differently. But, the thing is not to let grief consume you. I can talk about it because I'm half way out of this grieving over VA. I can feel myself rise to the woman that God needs me to be. Its incredible. The power. But, I have to maintain humility. 

I haven't been blogging as much as I normally do, because I needed more time to reflect. I felt myself getting too "self righteous" and "holier than thou." I could feel my mind beginning to think that I was better than other people, because of the new revelations that God was frequently revealing to me. 

The calling God has on my life I'm not ready to walk in, yet. 

My step back from the "battlefield" has not only given me time to reflect but also time to put myself in the shoes of the people that I was "beating down with scripture." 

Yes, I did talk about God 24/7. I was so happy to finally have a connection and relationship with the Lord, that I became over zealous in my joy. 

In my time in VA, I noticed that so called Christian friends were jealous of the relationship that I discovered with God. They were not on my level, so instead of learning more about God for themselves they decided to try and beat me down, ostracize me or ridicule me about the current situation. 

But, please don't get me wrong I still love very much and please don't ever think that just because I love, that I'm a door mat and you can talk to me any ol' kind of way either. God is still working on me... so there is no telling what I"m capable if provoked. 

But, I Might Miss "The Swirl" (Reflection: Dating White Men)

In reflection: most of the men I have dated were white. And now that I think about it maybe I should stop dating white men all together. It is something that I have to pray about.

What I'm finding is that they are too weak to handle me. They always come to me puffing out their chests like "Tarzan" and then as soon as I say ONE THING THAT IS HONEST and it doesn't boost their ego. Then there goes a tantrum!!!!!!
                                  
OH! You hurt my feelings!

Oh! I don't feel like a man, because you told me that my tie was crooked or that my shoes didn't match!

Oh! my life is over because you don't think I'm perfect!

White men just don't seem to have enough backbone for me. How come every time something doesn't go your way, you throw a tantrum? How come every time we need to talk about something you sink back into yourself like a coward?
 

"well I don't know how to handle stress well..."
You are a man for crying out loud!
"I don't like confrontation...."

 

No one does, sugarfoot but its apart of life! Better get your boxing gloves on and learn how to fight back! You won't always be able to run to mommy and daddy for everything. Better start practicing how to stand on your own feet NOW!

I thought, it was just me being "too aggressive" "too honest" but there isn't anything wrong with me in that department. I always here them say "its too much pressure" and "too much responsibility" and then I think to myself oh, if I were a little submissive, "yes, sir. No, sir" white girl you wouldn't have any trouble taking on the pressure and responsibility.

I wish they would just admit they are too weak and not waste my time. But that's the problem, a lot of white men like the thought of being with a brown a beauty but they aren't strong enough to handle the reality of being with one. And sure, I hear a lot of white guys say, "oh! I date out of my race all the time..." OH YEAH??? and then I take a look at a picture of one of their exs and they look about as WHITE as piece of paper, but she is "mixed." Mixed with what? WHITE and WHITER! Get real! Homie dude! Don't try to play me!

I'm not dating right now though, let me make that perfectly clear because I don't want to be bothered with men in general. They are a waste of precious oxygen and they cause problems because they can't be honest with God nor with themselves so what on earth makes me think any of them can ever be honest with me?? *ugh*

But when I do start dating again, I think I'll leave the white guys alone and get with a little a bit of flavor in my ice cream ;)

Mrs. So and So: The Bride, Marriage and the "Never I Do"

                          
He sent me this when he first was excited because he swore up and down that I was his wife. That God had sent me to him. That he prayed for me and God sent him me, to be his wife. He told me to "remember this for later" then not even two weeks later he was running away, pushing me away, acting out in a horrible teenage like manner, throwing tantrums and cursing. And that's the man that is suppose to be the "priest of the household" that I'm apart of? No, I don't think so.

I wish I could meet a man who was confident enough in God and his abilities and talents through Christ that he wouldn't feel the need to beat down the strength of God in me. That's the issue that I faced most when I use to date. Instead of them protecting the strength and love of God in me, they always tried to belittle it, tear it down, stomp on it and when they couldn't do that, then they would "feed me" to the lecherous beasts, vultures and devils in the world by abandoning me at critical times when I needed them most. That's why I depend on no man. Just God. Just he is the only one strong enough to play the "superman role" in my life.

Then I have to remember: I find it strange that a man who is in his mid 30's isn't already married. So, when they tell me oh I was married once before... my first question is, "why are yall not together now?" and my second question is, "What did he do?" Because more often than not, the man always did something to initiate the downfall of the marriage.

I have to admit that when I thought I was "engaged" I was really excited. The truth is, that he didn't want me to talk about us going to the court house to get our marriage license because he said he felt "pressured" and "rushed." (Keep in mind he was the one that was excited about the idea in the first place....But in my head I'm thinking, "wow, you don't want me to talk about it, because really you either are not sure if you want to marry me, 2. are really secretly married to someone else or in love with someone else 3. are ashamed for people to know about something that should be a joy to you..."

Any man who really loved me would be thrilled for me to carry their last name, but no...not him...even though he was the one that was SO excited by the idea at first...

I told him I understood but that it would not make sense for us to be Mr. and Mrs. so and so without rings. Then when I started posting pictures of the type of rings that were my "dream" rings that's when he really got all undone. All he had to do was tell me to stop posting about it, but instead (like a child who throws a tantrum when they don't get their way...) he grew distant and that's when I knew that he wasn't strong nor mature enough in his spirit to be in the type of relationship that I envisioned.
                                       

           

It was a sad moment of revelation, but the "realist" in me rose up and closed the deal on the whole thing. I tried to fix it with love and promises to do better, but because he never had any real "love" for me in the first place there was no glue (the love of God is it!) to hold us together. So, there I was trying. Pouring my heart and soul into trying to make things work once again and he became distant and nonchalant and didn't care.... and even when I tried to be friends after that's when I really saw his true colors even more. I tried to send him prayer text messages because I said that I would continue to pray for him, since he is going through some things and of course like every other guy I ever tried to have a "mature adult relationship" with, he gave me the silent treatment, disappeared, vanished, poof, gone.

When I look back through our text messages, I have to laugh because just a week ago he was saying how much he loved me and now he doesn't speak to me at all. Sound familiar? Well it is, because it is the exact same pattern that lead me here in the first place.

The only difference is that he and I never thought about, talked aobut getting married, nor having children together (yeah, I thought this man was Heaven sent enough to believe that I would be the one to have his first son).

But, the truth is I was in love with the idea of being a bride, a wife and mother but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be all that with him in my life. There was something unsettling about, the entire thing that made me question and instantly pray about it from the start. Things were moving way too fast and I could seem to control the flow of it. The 3rd day I had already met his parents. Of course in my head I thought, "this has to be love...he must really love me!" (yeah, sure! lol). You never know if someone truly loves you until you go through the fire with them a few times and see that they are still standing by your side.

That's how I know that every man who ever made me a promise or said "I love you" to me was a liar, because if they loved me they would still be in my life today. I may not know everything, but God has blessed me with some "years beyond my age" type of wisdom that let's me know that things are either right or wrong.

And saying that you love someone, then disappearing from their life because you don't like what they said, what they did etc is wrong. And it just proves that you're immature and not ready for a real mature adult relationship. Granted, if I point the finger, then I better be ready to have it pointed back at me, right? And since I know that I take full responsibility for not always walking in love. But in this situation I could have acted a lot worse. But by sticking by his side through his "tantrum" I showed him that I keep my word. That I don't "run when things get tough." All that talk about "honesty" and "communication" went straight out the window as soon as he got upset with me. Then I started to see some qualities that reflected when I was in an abusive relationships during college (real bad, real, real, real bad...) and after I prayed and reflected on it that's when I knew it was time to go.

Any man that curses at me or even looks like they want to hit me during an argument is not a man that I can respect nor see myself marrying nor being with. So, once again God looked out for me. Even though I wanted to be a bride, be married and hear him say, "I do." I didn't want to do it with a black eye and a bloody lip.

 

 



 

 

You Don't Give Up On People that You Claim To Care About: Promise to a woman of GOD

I can never understand how one day, someone tells you they love and care about you and the next day they want nothing to do with you. When they were going through the fire, I was stood by their side and prayed, encouraged, even gave them one of my contacts so that they could have a chance to have some real help because I knew that I could not help them in the best way.

But the point is I did not give up on them. After their unexpected event I could have left, and immediately dated someone else, but I'm not like that. I don't run when things get tough.

I take full responsibility for the things that I said and the things that I did that were not pleasant favorable in the eyes of GOD. But when I found that I did something wrong or hurt them I repented and then I apologized. I know that when you hurt someone, you essentially break a piece of Gods heart because a piece of God is in all his children. So that's why I had to repent, other than because I wanted to have my soul right with the Lord.

How can you promise to not leave my life, then turn around and poof, disappear? No goodbye. No explanation? and yet, you get upset when people treat you wrong. Like I said and I will say it again I'm NOT PERFECT, but I would never abandon someone when I know that they are going through the fire and need prayer.

How do you go from praying every single night with me, to teaching me scriptures, to a complete shut down? You prayed that God would turn me sweet, kind and humble. You prayed that God would help me get out of my bad situation and so you are mad that he used you to help me? And now that I am sweet, more kind and more humble you reject me? That's backwards! And its painful.

Ever since I stepped foot in Virginia all I have been doing is praying for God to open doors for you. All I have been doing is interceding on your behalf, no I wasn't perfect. The entire situation was new to me. I have never been in a situation like that before and yet while I was praying you were judging me the entire time when you should have been praying.

I was hurt that you broke up with me in the middle of my transition but I was more hurt that you did not keep your promise. You said that you would be my friend and support me, that you would not leave my side. And yet, as soon as things got rough, you bailed on me... When your car wouldn't start and your job was acting crazy, giving you the run around I sat there and encouraged you through the whole thing. I prayed with you. I prayed for you. I gave you a contact in the area that I thought could help you. I put you before myself and yet, all you could do was reject Gods love in me, give me the cold shoulder and roll your eyes every time I had something to say.

I don't wish you ill will still to this day, but you will reap what you sow. You don't treat people that way. You always don't play around with God. When things were going great and you were big ballin' you loved GOD, you were confident and trusted God. You told me that I needed to stop drinking and stop cursing. But as soon as you could no longer "big ball" and you no longer had the money all of your confidence and trust in GOD went out the window?

When you are going through the fire, that is when you should be the most confident and trusting in GOD! When you are going through the fire that is when you should be on your knees every single night praying and praising GOD! What happen to the man of God that met who promised my god sister that he would take care of me? What happen to that man? That's the man that I want to be friends. You don't make promises to a prophet and then turn around and not keep them. God will not honor that.


Yet, even though your behavior is unfavorable. Even though you broke up with me in the middle of one of the most critical transitions I have ever made. Even though you helped me with a frown on your face. You though you called me annoying, and gave me the cold shoulder and attacked the love of GOD in me. I'm still praying for you. Still praying that God will help you get on one accord with the plan that he has for your life, so that you can walk into your destiny and know your true purpose.

 

Letter to my Future Husband: Are you Battlefield Ready?

Dear Husband:



We have a great work to do for the kingdom God. I need  to be more than prepared to spirit box in the ring called "life" with me. We will have plenty of time for romance and dancing and kisses on the nose and giggles, but right now many people need to be guided to Gods love before the final hour has arrived.

Let me know help understand some things about me, so you don't get confused:

1. I'm very serious about my walk with Christ ( I was not always this serious, this is the product of one year only... imagine how strong God will make me in years to come...)

2. I love Gods people.

3. It is my duty to comfort, love, protect, heal and guide as many people as I can while I am on this earth. I can not detour from my task.

4. Intelligence is nothing without the word of God to balance it.

5. I pray every day, all the time, 24/7. In the shower, in the car, walking to the store. If that annoys you, then you probably should stop reading this.

6. The goal is to walk in the peace, truth and unconditional love of God daily, so I am constantly aware of how I feel in any situation. Yet, necessarily so how others feel about me.

7. I dress up for GOD. When I go to store, when I go to work, When I go to church. I am dressed up. When people see me, I want them to know who I represent and since I am a Christian. A gladiator for Christ I want people to know that God is the only one, who has given me this beauty.

8. Respectful Honesty: Is always the goal. If at any time I ask you, a question and you tell me that "its okay" or "its fine" or "You don't care" then I will not ask you to tell me again. I will take you at your word. We don't have time to play mind games, when the final hour is so close at hand. If you have something to SAY, if there is something bothering you, if I do something that annoys you or that you don't understand YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH RIGHT THEN AND SAY SOMETHING. But in a respectful, and loving way.

9. I love to sing, so if you are jealous/envious/ of my gift to sing or any gift that God blesses me with then don't even bother contacting me immediately. Rebuke that spirit of jealousy, get prayed over and then get back to me.

10. IF YOU BREAK MY HEART THE WRATH OF GOD WILL BE ON YOUR LIFE. THAT IS A PROMISE. I do not share my heart with just anyone. SO, If I trust you, that means that I trust that you are protecting GODS LOVE IN ME.

11. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. I need you to be organized, because the enemy won't have any traps to set or any trash to hide behind in your life, if you clean it up and take it out, feel me?

12. You need to have some kind of degree, bachelors, masters, ph.d. and your parents need not have just handed it to you. You need to have worked for it yourself.

13. Life experience. I know about loss at a young age. I grew up with no parents. So I had to grow up quickly. I am very mature for my age, some like to call me "an old soul, trapped in a supermodel body" If we are going to be together, we need to be able to relate on life experience.

14. MOST IMPORTANTLY GOD IS FIRST IN MY LIFE, all day, everyday. And so is my passion for praising and worshiping God. If that annoys you, click on the next blog, because you aren't strong enough to be my husband.

Pray and Praise God through the Fire: (Going Away Present) *Strongest of the Strong Testimony*

I was tired of the tears, the sleepless nights and not wanting to eat. I lost so much weight due the stress of the entire situation that I was in. But, To God be the glory! For being a faithful and loving God. 

 My flesh said "That's messed up that he would break up with me when I'm in such a critical transition, when I needed him the most spiritual and emotionally. After saying I love and care about you, you are just going to run away when things get tough are you SERIOUS????????????????????????????????????"

"Nice guys finish last": Looking over Pretty

Many people say, "you're sooooooooooo pretty, why don't you have a boyfriend?" or when I go out for drinks with friends random men come up and ask me, "soooooooooo where is your husband?" After so many times of hearing those questions I start to wonder, "why don't I have a boyfriend?" or "why don't I have a husband?" Is there something wrong with me? 

I haven't really thought about dating in a long time. I have only been in twice in my entire time living. One was my freshman year in college and the other was most recently, despite how people might feel about that, my heart can't lie. When I feel it. I feel it. If i didn't I would not have fought so hard to keep them in my life. 

In my reflections I finally came to the conclusion that, you know how they say that "nice guys finish last" well sometimes "pretty girls don't finish at all." A lot of the attractive, well educated nice guys go for average looking chicks. Why? Because they don't have to compete with other men to keep those type of girls around. They don't have to worry about her straying away, because in their head they think that other guys won't want her. At least that's one way to look at it. 

Then most nice guys choose average girls because they know they don't have to work too hard to keep them interested in them. So, maybe its good that those so called "nice guys" pick average chicks so at least that way that eliminates the man dating pool of losers who don't want to treat me like the queen that I am. 

But, I guess what bothers me is that for some of the girls I know they seem to be in and out of relationships like crazy and their relationships don't just last a three weeks to six months they actually last for a couple of years. Then I reflect and well, damn I can't even get a guy to just be my friend. I either scare them away with my intelligence or when they find out that they can't put their hand in my cookie jar then they start treating me like crap. 

I have also come to realize that the "nice guy" persona is just a mask that assholes wear so that they can get the goodies. They don't really care about how you feel or what you did today. The whole time your talking they are thinking about how they can get you to take your clothes off. Maybe, that's just my horrible experiences with men talking and not my heart. But that's how I feel right now. 

I can't even date like a normal girl because then the man starts to get possessive and controlling. My step dad was like, so no I don't want to be associated with anything like that. 

Now, that I think about it, all the men in my life were never any good in the end. Even the two that I was in love with. They started out with the best of intentions but then like all men do they tried to mold me into their ex wife, gf, baby's mama, their fantasy dream girl. They weren't happy with me just the way I am. 

It gets tiring and frustrating when your heart and your love are not enough. When men are either too scared to talk to you or too lazy to meet a woman of caliber. They chase after the average girls, settle for them, have children with them, later cheat or divorce then wonder why they aren't very happy in life.

I do miss the cuddling and the kisses on the forehead. I do must being able to give hugs. I mostly miss feeling safe in a man's arms. But I haven't met a man strong enough to keep me "safe" for a long period of time. Most put on a front like they can, but as soon as shit hits the fan they are back to doubting themselves again and rejecting me, because they keep putting their past in their present... and ultimately because they don't get over their past they treat me like shit and then we break up. 

I refuse to be any man's "punching bag" or placeholder chick. I refuse to waste my time playing the wifey role only to have him break up with me, and then marry the chick right after me that he has only known for two weeks. Then later they get divorced and he tries to run back to me... no. no. no. honey.

I just wish I could meet a man who appreciated me, for me. A man that was on fire for God. Passionate about music, writing and philosophical conversations. A man that inspired and challenged me to think outside the box. A man that was dedicated to really caring about my life. A man that sat and listened to me to talk, instead of just passively listened. A man that was honest to my face and did not bite his tongue for me. A man that appreciated the beauty of my mind and heart before my body. 

But I guess that's only in fairytales really... *sigh*