Boring: If This is Hell (Cry Of The Warrior)

The only thing that is keeping me sane are my blogs and my journals. If this is hell then Jesus get me out of here because I'm bored. The only other time I was bored to death was when I was stuck in Virginia. 

I wish I could call God and ask him why he keeps putting me in these country ass situations, where I'm around families and kids all the time. Please, don't get me wrong kids are great, but as a single woman with no kids and trying to live my life I feel different about things. 

Young mothers' and fathers' care about the things that their children say and do, naturally they are the parent. But I don't. This is my time to be a little bit selfish in life. I spent enough of my time trying to build that "family life" that God approves of and now I don't' want to anything to do with it. 

When I first mentioned that if God didn't send my husband then all I wanted was money and motorcycle. I got a lot of flake for saying that from "small community Christians." 

I look at things differently. You have some that are in the military who strictly sit behind a desk all day and process papers. They are still considered soldiers. Then you have others who are out in the field who actually fight on the battlefield. Their perspective on life is a little bit different than the solider sitting behind the desk. 

That is how I feel about meeting Christians who have mommy to breast-feed them at 30 and daddy to kiss their boos and scrapes late into their 20's. Time to get off the nipple. I was so annoyed in Virginia because that's all I was around cookie cutter Christians. I only met like two who were actually warriors for Gods' love and understood about the "fight." Everyone else was clueless. How is your dad a pastor and a mom a teacher and you're clueless to what spiritual warfare is all about or you run from it? 

Please get me some soldiers who already know how to fight, in Jesus NAME. I can't have rookies watching my back. In translation: I was out in the field with rookies watching my back and that's when I got attacked big time. I'm still in recovery so to speak. A bit traumatized but its nothing that God himself, can't fix. Don't need a shrink to try and empathize with me. Just need some serious praise and worship time around people who are Warriors like myself. 

There was a point when I thought that a few of the rookies really understood what I was saying, but then I realized they were capable of understanding about spiritual warfare but they didn't know how to conduct themselves on the battlefield. Its like talking about a war that you only watched from a distance, but never actively took part in. You see all the moves and methods but you are not the one making them. 

So, I fought alone with the strength of God backing me. 

Love Doesn't Pay the Bills

Dating is suppose to be fun, but most times for me it ends up being another headache that I don't have enough pills to take to get through. Men nowadays are so arrogant, spoiled, and entitled. They pretend to do the whole "chivalry" route for a whole of 5 minutes then they turn into a complete asshole. 

If you play hard to get then they lose interest and flirt with other girls while you go to the restroom. If you give in too easy then they lose interest in that too. 

Its all about the chase. Fuck the chase. Give it to me straight. What do you want from me? 

When I bluntly ask men that question they get caught off guard because I already know what they want before they think it. Its not like you went on a date with me because you were fascinated by my brains. And its not like you want to see me again because you actually were interested in talking about the theories of human evolution. 

I like it when men try to combat my intelligence. "Oh, I got a point because I stimulated her mind for a second!" No, I gave you that point because I was ten seconds from shutting your entire manhood down. But, its fun when I get to play with my food, every now and then. 

Chapter 3: Call To Greatness (Rise of the Queen) (Part 1)

Chapter 3: 

She had to step down from her position as the Queen because she knew that she was not setting the most "conventional" example of what a woman of God is suppose to represent. 

Epic Journey: Walking In Your Identity

I tried to be "bad" I tried to be "loud." But bad leads to unneeded soul-ties. It felt like a weight on my soul keeping me from going to the next level. I tried to remain "average" "normal" "regular" so that men would like me. So that the guy I was crushing on, dated, liked or however you want to describe it would stay in my life. 

I tried to be "normal" and "indifferent" and "complacent" so that he wouldn't SEE ME because once he realized who I was, I knew that he would leave. Once he realized that I am a Queen through Christ and that I recognize my self worth, they always leave. 

I ask them to rise to my level. To stand with me in greatness through Christ Jesus. I ask them to battle against mediocrity with me. I ask me to fight against injustice. I ask them if they would take the sunglasses from their face and walk in truth, love and peace with me but all I hear is silence and then I see their back turned toward me. 

When a man comes into my life and "gives up" on me, essentially he says that he is 1. not ready to live a life of greatness and 2. that is he not ready to be a king through Christ and 3. that he is not confident enough in God.

I can not change a joker into a king. They must accept and understand their self worth. They must know that just as Jesus Christ died on the cross for me, he also died for them too. 
It hurts me to see a king, be degraded by this world and fall into a mental trap of the world. See, I know who I am through Christ Jesus. I know that I am the daughter of the most High King, but chose to take a "break" or go on vacation from my position of being a leader. I didn't walk away from God. I never could. I never can. I just needed time for me, to rest, recuperate, relax, before moving on in the journey.

I had some side projects that I started, in which I wanted to be dedicated too. I know that my life is not my own. I know that I am a reflect of the love of God. I know that I am mad to be an extension of the love of God, the peace of God, the strength of God. The problem is just because I am aware of that, does not mean that I know how to WALK in that awareness.

The Queen On Vacation: Respect The Journey (Murder Trial)

This is the scripture that was brought to my spiritual attention during work today: 

My intense bitterness obstructed my peace but You have loved my life back from the pit of corruption and nothingness: for You have cast all my sins behind your back (Isaiah 38:17).

Yes, I'm still pissed at the injustice done during my VA "murder trial" I didn't have anyone to defend me... you know the story. I had to cut some of the people who were about of my "murder" out of my life. Simply because they were advocates for injustice. They stood by and as Christian watched me be persecuted and did nothing to help me. Just stood there. Laughing. Because death is funny, right? 

Grieving doesn't just end overnight. People grieve differently. But, the thing is not to let grief consume you. I can talk about it because I'm half way out of this grieving over VA. I can feel myself rise to the woman that God needs me to be. Its incredible. The power. But, I have to maintain humility. 

I haven't been blogging as much as I normally do, because I needed more time to reflect. I felt myself getting too "self righteous" and "holier than thou." I could feel my mind beginning to think that I was better than other people, because of the new revelations that God was frequently revealing to me. 

The calling God has on my life I'm not ready to walk in, yet. 

My step back from the "battlefield" has not only given me time to reflect but also time to put myself in the shoes of the people that I was "beating down with scripture." 

Yes, I did talk about God 24/7. I was so happy to finally have a connection and relationship with the Lord, that I became over zealous in my joy. 

In my time in VA, I noticed that so called Christian friends were jealous of the relationship that I discovered with God. They were not on my level, so instead of learning more about God for themselves they decided to try and beat me down, ostracize me or ridicule me about the current situation. 

But, please don't get me wrong I still love very much and please don't ever think that just because I love, that I'm a door mat and you can talk to me any ol' kind of way either. God is still working on me... so there is no telling what I"m capable if provoked. 

God Had Other Plans: Damsel in Distress (No More)

I'm so tired of trying to figure out the "why" to the "situation" that I swear I'm about to lose my mind. Why would any man be that cruel to use God as a means to get close to me? Why would he purposely make a promise to help, drag me out of my comfort zone and then abandon me like that? How does that show love? 

(Reflection) Adventure in VA: Purpose to Sing

(Reflection)Adventure in VA: the majority of the lady and men folk I met can sing all day. I found a "family" in the community of passionate singers (that was my gift) like myself.

Yet, sometimes when us singers get together it feels more like a competition and some days in my time there that's what it felt like. Competition, Favoritism, and Jealousy. When I'm in a choir I'm there to learn. Even if I'm not that passionate about the song. I enjoy learning it anyway, because there is always something NEW you can take from something unfavorable.

A part of me didn't feel that I had any room to spread my "singing wings." I wanted to much to do more. My spirit was always calling to serve, but as soon as I would get up enough courage to say something about that, then someone else had already taken the "position" or the position was already given to someone else out of favoritism. 

Please, don't get me wrong I love to sing, any music that can be used to edify God, encourage or inspire another life to do better in their own I'm all for. But, favoritism. I'm not for that. How do you know that someone else isn't more qualified for the position? You never even gave them a chance. 

But on another note:

I met a young lady and man who both have excellent classical voices. When I discovered that they could sing like that, I almost choked on my own happiness. lol Wow! people that like classical music like me! Cool! haha

It was a "learning" experience. But, more than that I learned that in order to lead you have to be able to follow and take instruction. You can't be a leader and think you know it all, because God will end up showing you a thing or two that just might blow your mind

The Truth About My VA Trip: I Hope You're Still Laughing When The Devil Comes Knocking

The reason why I was so upset about the whole "situation" in Woodbridge, VA was not because I felt like he tricked me. Now I know that, that whole setup was by the devil. 

I understood that he needed to get his life in order. No one's life is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. But, nothing that I ever did in life rendered me to deserve what he did to me...
But first, why would you invite someone into your life when your life is not in order in the first place? 

And then second (to point the finger back at me and take responsibility) why did I accept being in his life when I had somewhat of a clue that his life was not in order? I was happy. I was "in love" with who he portrayed himself to be. He played the role of a dedicated, committed Christian man of God, well. The worst part about it was that only one other person besides his parents knew about his true nature. But no one bothered to give me a "heads up." I guess they thought my being in his life would influence him to do right. But no, only God has that kind of power. On top of that if he doesn't choose to be a better man for himself, he will never be. He has to make the choice.... 

SO! You Want To Be A Leader???

I'm learning a lot about myself in this journey of "firsts." The only person that I can self reflect on is me. If, I want those around me change or have a more positive energy in their lives, then I have to be a source of positive energy, does that make sense? 

I know how to lead, but I don't know how to lead a team. Normally, when I put myself out there people just follow me or copy after what I want, but when I realize that they are following me then I take myself out of the spotlight and hide. 

I don't like people to copy off of me. I want everyone to be themselves and be original. But, since I'm called to reflect Christ, there is NO ME. It is only the fruit of the spirit of GOD that other people need to see me walking, talking and living in. 

Here are the fruits of the spirit: 

I think right now, I'm learning how to walk in love, peace and joy. See, I know how to lead when it comes to business, like getting a team college project done or doing a company team portfolio project! Hands down! I gotta it! Now I just have to transfer that same passionate spirit, to learning how to be about the Lords' business. 

Sometimes I let what is troubling me show on my face. In other words I don't really have a good poker face. haha When something isn't right in my spirit it will certainly show on my face! 

When people do me "dirty" and I KNOW that they did me dirty but they walk around like nothing ever happen, it will certainly show on my face. I don't like liars. I don't like cowards. 

With that said... I have to learn that everyone is at a different level in their spiritual walks. Some are on level one and others are on level 8. I also have to remember that there are also levels of maturity. As long as I stay grounded in the level of maturity that God has me at, then I know that others will eventually (after much prayer lol) rise to my level of commitment and dedication. I have learned to leave my "baggage outside the front door" before I go into choir rehearsal. I try not to bring any worries from the day into my praise and worship and or choir rehearsals. If, I do then I don't feel like my entire attention is on God. 

The 21 Day Fast Is Over: Come on God, lets go! Been here too long.

I'm ready to move on with my life. I have been here for 6 months and although, I have met some awesome people. I don't feel like I'm going to get much done here, for what I need to take care of. 
I want to go to a place where I can finally use my gifts to their maximum. I like opera and I like classical music. Those two combinations would probably bore most of the community here. 

I miss my grandmother. I miss being around the people that I can vibe with. With the people that I know love and care about me. Many here have been very kind, yes and I'm thankful for their kindness. But, its nothing like having your own family and friends to be around. A lot of these young men and women have known each other from high school or from when the church first got started. So, its awkward to still be in the group when he is not there. I feel like, an abandon pup, that lost its pack and had to tag along with another pack just to be taught how to survive etc...

I honestly, can't believe that I'm still here. I thought I would have either been home by now or moved to Alexandria or even out of the state. But, nope. I'm still here. 

I designated this journey as the: Journey of firsts, because much of what I have been exposed to and or done has been a first time experience. For example I just got done doing a 21 day D****** fast (*ugh* out of all the fasts in the bible it had to be that one, right? <insert sarcasm-why don't you pour some salt on my wounds while your at it. No better yet, just take the knife and stab me in the back in the same place where the wound is, yeah, that's more like it! It really hits the spot! More torture). 

But, that fast is over, so I'm going to make a video blog about all the things that happen to me during the fast and all the changes that I went through during it. 

Anyway: I'm in a poetic mood. I decided to put all of the poems I wrote this morning into this space, so they would all be in one location:

The "VOICE OF REASON"

I have been in Woodbridge Virginia for about 6 months and the only thing that has changed is: me. People seem to be envious of that. You would think that "Christians" those who go to church every Sunday, work in the church nursery, praise and worship God right beside me would be glad that I finally made the choice to let God take over my life. But no. They still hold grudges. They still have unpleasant things to say about me. The funny part is that they think that I don't know. But, I know as much as the Lord allows me to hear and to see. So, I do "know." 

More Mature Perspective: Crown of a king, Responsibility of a joker

Marriage sounds like a fun adventure, 

but submitting to a man does not lol

Let me give a small summary: 
Most of the men that I have met (whether during this spiritual journey or not) have always been very weak in their spirit. The littlest thing would set them off or one disagreement would make them break up with me. I don't want to be married to any man who is weak like that. That doesn't make for a sturdy foundation at all. 

The reason why I'm thinking about this so much is because many of the young women in the community I'm currently apart of are engaged or married. I'm at point where I have dated enough "Mr. Almost Rights" to realize that I'm not ready to submit to any man. 
Once I submit to the man that is suppose to be my husband then that means he is in control over me, and he has access to my gifts. And from there is has access to the power behind those gifts as well. 

Its bad enough where I have to go to a job with power hungry men sloths. Always bossing me around telling me what to do, when I leave when I do this or that or what I should be doing. When I already know. Blah blah blah and then after I would have to come home to hear my husband say something like, "you didn't cook." 
Men are naturally selfish and I don't have time for it. 

All they think about is themselves anyway, why would I want to submit to that? But lo and behold if you go around saying things in this community like, " I don't want to be married I just want shoes, clothes, money a big house and a sports car" they will stone you! OH! how dare you not want to give up your power to a man? How rude! How ungoldly for you not to want to get bossed around by your husband. 

I just feel like marriage is nice if God sends you a man that is already on fire for God and walking right, but not all the time God will do that. Sometimes you will meet your husband in the most unlikely situation because together you and him have a powerful testimony that maybe other married couples need to hear, so if they go through it, it will give them hope and guidance on how to better handle the situation, you know? 

But mostly I feel like marriage is a trap for women. Why does he get to call all the shots just because he is a man? How sexist is that? What if I'm spiritually stronger than my husband and I'm doing all the right things, going to church, tithing, fasting and praying and he isn't going to church or he isn't on one accord with me? Do I still have to submit to him? From what I understand of the parts of the bible I read on marriage that answer is YES! 

And its like WHOA! That's why I'm not in a rush to get attached to NO MAN, because so far just dating, men are headache enough. One day this want you. The next day they don't. And its like man dude, get it together already. A lot of men want to play the role of the king but have the responsibility of the joker... 

Welcome To The Community: No One Knows Me Here

*Of course I'm a bit insecure, the person who brought me here unexpectedly dropped kicked my life to the curb in a strange new place where I don't know anyone, and then he cut me out of his life.... what am I suppose to do?*

Before I wrote this I had to pray. I need to start praying over every piece of writing, be long or short because I found out that sometimes people might take what I say the wrong way and assume the worst which is, that I don't appreciate their life when I do.

The other thing I learned tonight was that I'm still upset.

I also learned that people in this community don't know why I'm upset or why I act the way I do and so I'm about to let everyone know my reality (not my truth, because only the word of God is truth) so that they can know why I act. I'm a walking testimony. Every thing that has happen to me since I stepped foot in Woodbridge Virginia is apart of my testimony and I'm going to share it.

Chapter One: You don't Mistreat the People you Love

Before I came here, he was so excited to have me here. All we did was talk about how much fun we would have and how awesome it would be for me to meet all his friends. Now we share the same circle of friends and he doesn't even speak to me.

The reason why I'm pissed is because he told my family and god family that he didn't have any money to take me back home, yet I find out that he is going out to eat, buying new clothes and trying to "big ball" again. If anyone needs to get their life, it needs to be him.

See, I'm as "real as it comes." I was never that way though in the past. In the past someone would give me a "reality check" and I would start balling my eyes out. Now, when someone states how they feel. I internalize it, reflect, pray over it and then I draw a conclusion from it. If they really feel that way and I'm really acting that way, then I make every effort to make a change.

The one thing about me, that I told him before he became involved in my life is that "I'm a warrior for Gods love" "Don't tango with the lion..." and "I don't like liars. Be honest." But, what I learned is that people don't like confrontation. Whenever they have the opportunity to either confront the issue head on and apologize and move on in love, they will always choose to run. They don't want to accept that they are responsible for someone else being hurt. God won't honor you hurting his children (your brothers and sisters).

So what's the summary of the story?

I came out here because he said that he would help me get on my feet. He told me my family that he would take care of me. But when he lost his job, that's when he lost his mind. He has never been right since.

Orignially he was all about God, "You are going to church every single day." Fed me scriptures. Prayed with me. Introduced me to his bestie! WHOA! I felt like I had my own little family, for a little there. But, what I did not expect is for me to turn against me. Is for him to take out his frustrations and anger out on me because he was disobedient and lost his job.

I'm at a point now where I don't care if he never talks to me again.

I'm still going to write a book about what he did and everyone is going to know how hateful and mean he really is behind close doors. I'm also going to write about WHAT I DID, so the audience and see how it all played out. I'm going to write about how God started to deal with my heart and how I tried to make it right between us. I'm going to write about how he gave me the cold shoulder out in public.

If I really wanted to tear the roof off of this place, I would do it and not care. If I really wanted to show my behind out and treat him the way he treated me I would have done so a long time ago. But, I was trying to be patient. While he was "doing the most" (as that seems to be a popular term around here) I was praying for him in the corner. Praying for us.

The awesome thing about God is that no matter what situation we find ourselves in he will always send people to guide us through whatever we are going through and that's when God sent his bestie to step in and help get a grip on what was happening.

He dropped kicked my life to the curb, while I'm out in the middle of nowhere, not knowing anyone. And then walked around like it was no big deal. No explanation. Said that he had to "focus on God (using God as a scapegoat) because he was too much of a coward to tell me that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. The worst part is that he broke up with me in a text message. How cowardly in that? Dude get real!

The other thing I learned is this: No one knows me here...

Okay, so it just makes the entire situation that I'm in VALID. Thank you for verifying what I have been saying the entire time that I have been here.

HE DID THE MOST. KNOWING THAT NO ONE HERE KNOWS ME.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TRANSITION.

Then he pretended like none of it ever happen.

But still people were telling me that I shouldn't "talk about it."

How am I going to get help for my situation if no one knows that I need help?

Didn't the Lord say, "ask and ye shall receive?"

I'm ever thankful to God for sending his bestie to step in and be a good friend to me because he sure was not. I needed his support the most and he spit in my face, stepped on me while I was trying to stand on my feet then moved on laughing at me while he stepped all over the pieces of my broken heart.

And I'm suppose to be joyful about that?

But, what comes around goes around... that's for sure. Sure, God gives a mercy and grace, but just because you don't see an immediate consequece doesn't mean that it isn't coming. It might not be as severe as it could be do to mercy and grace, but God will be the judge of that.

The only thing I want now is for God for open a new door so I can move on with my life. Because I see now that he is too mature. I saw him at the holy ghost party Friday night and he didn't say one word to me. I felt myself getting heated, I was about to go up to hi and show my behind out. Scare him off, since he runs from everything anyway, but I didn't do that. I just enjoyed everyone else around me. And I silently thanked God for all the loving people that he placed infront of me to give love back to.

This entire experience will be one that I never forget. I know that God is about to launch me to the next level. I know that God is about to bless my life greatly and abundantly so.

Beauty: Like A Double-edged Sword

I'm not one to lie or to bite my tongue. If I feel some type of way you will know because I like truth, even if it hurts. The given ability to endure during painful realizations or truths in life, is what makes me strong. I'm still here. I aint dead yet... I still have some fight left in me. And as long as I can fight, then I'm going to praise God will my heart, mind, soul, spirit and body! Praise God like I lost my mind.

I admit that this walk with Christ, is not a "walk in the park." There are days when I want to go back to my old way life. Back to the days when I felt like I was "big ballin!" Going to house parties every weekend, going to the club, having men buy me drinks and other material possessions. Whatever I wanted I could have and all I had to do was be cute and sexy. And it was mine. I still have that power, but it I chose to transform that power when I re-dedicated my life to servering God.

Yes, those days were fun. I was high on life and doing whatever I wanted to do. But, even those they may have been fun. They were also the most sloppiest and tackiest of moments in my life. But, God can transform anyone. From a slave into a Queen or King and that is what he did with me. There are still some rough edges, that God is chipping away.

It is crazy once you find a source that can fill you with intense and immense joy just from making a promise. Nothing in the world can do that, because everything in the world is temporary. People make promises everyday in the world but then they break them. Why? Because they don't care. But who does care? God. In all the mess that I have ever been in God has always opened a door for me to escape. I mean I technically should be dead right now, with all the dumb stuff I put myself in.

Even in this situation I'm in currently. It is only the mercies and grace of the Lord and joy from the holy spirit that is holding my broken heart, and sanity together. Glory be to God. Why? Because I never thought that someone who claimed to love, trust and have confidence in God could be so cruel. How do you go from talking about God, reading me scriptures and taking me to church every Sunday to not speaking to me at all? Wow, that would make anyone trying to establish a strong walk with God get discouraged and possibly backslide. But, even though they weren't walk in Truth, I chose to rise above. To go to a higher level. Not only walk in the Gods' truth, but his peace and love too. All levels are hard, because I can feel things getting easier. I trust that my breakthrough is around the corner. In the name of Jesus.
　

 

 

The Empty Seat: Love, Faith, Truth

 

 

When you miss someone, you just miss them. There isn't anything you can do about this missing that person if they are ready to receive the love that God has placed inside of you to share, nor the changes that he has made in you.

The more you try to contact them. The more you push them away.

The more you try to understand why they aren't on one accord with the rest of the "team" the more hurt and confused you become.

So. I stopped trying to figure out the "why?" And I started putting my trust in God. Only. There is nothing on this earth that would bring me more joy, than 1. to have Jesus Christ return and 2. To have them back in my life, ready to walk in the truth of God and praise God, better than we did before.

But each walk with Christ is different. I feel as though God has advanced me to "level 5" and now, being here in this "spiritual bootcamp" I have to go back to level one and build the foundation with the word of God.

When I attend the G. Craig Lewis service Friday Decemeber 20th, 2013, I sat next to my "VA spiritual family" but to the left of me was an empty seat. Then there was an older black couple on the other side of that seat. In front of me were two of my favorite people. A couple. Both with smiles that can light up any room and hearts bigger than to sun full of the love of God. Then to the right of me was another couple. If ever I were to be adopted, I think they would adopt me because they are real like myself but they laugh and know how to have a good time as well. All the couples were so filled with joy from the holy spirit.
                                    
I prayed that God would show me that my prayers were being answered, but I was not prepared for the feeling of loneliness that came over me during that event.

I kept looking at that empty seat beside me thinking: "If only they were here. I know they would have a good time. I'm surrounded by all this love, the presence of the holy spirit is here, we have access to truth that we wouldnt' get anywhere else. Where are they? Why are they not apart of all the love and truth that God has given me the opportunity to be apart of. They have the same opportunity too..."

I never found any answers to all the questions I had that night, except for one about leading a ministry. What I found is that technically I can't or it is unwise to lead a ministry without a strong man of God in my life, be it my husband or dad to "protect me." After I found that out I was a little bit bummed out. So I have no choice but to need a man in my life, if I really want to be the leader in something. *sigh* Guess, I better ask God to clean me up so he can send my husband, soon. There are lives to be saved. And people out in the world who need to hear about the goodness and mercies of God, and the teachings of Jesus Christ to restore hope to their lives.

"Get my house in order" that's what Papa Teel says. But, I can't do much without my other half, whoever that is suppose to be.

Revelation: (Mirror Conversations) THE WOMAN GOD NEEDS FOR HIS PEOPLE TO SEE

I do not write for form nor fashion, nor so that people will like me. I write because I want to show the process of what a walk with Christ can look like. There will be no walk with Christ exactly the same, because we each go through different lessons in life. We each grow differently. But the end is the same, for us to be used for the glory of God.

One of the things that I had to overcome is forgiveness. I thought that if I apologized to them that everything would just be perfect like it was before. But the real test wasn't in apologizing to them, it was in forgiving myself.

I was so hurt by the situation and even more angry at myself for not knowing how to help them. I felt it was my duty to comfort, protect and love them through any and all changes that they went through but instead of doing that I fell prey to my flesh and became selfish and arrogant. They needed a friend, and I covered the love of God in me with pride, selfishness and anger, so that they could not reach his (God) love in me.

I was upset with myself because I couldn't "save" them I didn't know the right words to help them out of their situation. I didn't have enough money to make "it all better." I felt useless. All I could do was sit back and watch them fall into more confusion. I tried to pray, but I wasn't in the right spirit all the time. I was too busy worrying about myself instead of trusting in God to take care of me and attending to what their needs were with the word of GOD.

We have to remember that it is not about us. It is about other people. Every blessing, every gift that God has given us is used to be a blessing to someone elses' life and for the glory of God.

God, blessed me with a heart of empathy, a heart of compassion. A heart to love his people. To comfort and protect and instead of using that gift for good I allowed my flesh to take over and shut it down.

So God had to move me away, not only so he could have their full attention, but also so I could learn how to love his people again.

The process is never easy. There will be tears. There will be times where you may be uncomfortable but trust in God. I can write that now because I'm walking in it. And little by little God reveals to me the things about myself that are holding me back from walking in the fullness of his Greatness.

I can not go back and redo what has been done, but I can move forward with the new revelations that God has given me and apply them to my life currently.

I pray for them daily. I love them with all my heart. I ask God to protect them and heal them. I asked that God go in and fix the mess that I made. Each time we don't act in love, we leave a negative imprint on someone's heart. I pray that God removes that negative imprint that I made on their heart and he restores them to full joy in him and to full confidence and trust in him (God) as well.

I never want to see any of my brothers nor sisters hurt because of something that I allowed my flesh to say or do. That is not how Christ was and if I claim to love God I also must commit to learning how Jesus Christ walked in the love of God, in the peace of God and in the truth of God.

I pray and ask God to fill me with more of his loving spirit. To cut off all things that are unholy, unrighteous, and or unclean in me. I do this because I want to love his people better. So that I never enter into another situation where someone needs my help and I am not able to help them because I'm too weak to fight against my flesh. Before I didn't know much scripture, let me tell you the word of GOD is a must when you are on the spiritual battlefield. That is one of your most powerful weapons. Without it you are "crippled"! Must read it and meditate on it daily.

It is food for your spirit.

 

 

Childlike Heart of Love: What does your heart Desire?

One of the young ladies on my fb page, after she and I getting into a debate or rather an exchange of ideas, said that she would pray that I would have the desires of my heart...

And then I started to think, what does my heart currently desire and it hit me...

I tried to run from this situation. I thought that I was going to Baton Rouge. I thought I could start all over and never have to think about him again.

Then I tried to date someone else, thinking that would solve the issue. But it was only a temporary distraction and it caused more trouble than it was worth getting into.

So, what i want the most is for us to go back to being friends. I want a chance to give him a real hug and just go back to laughing and joking around. I want the tension and silence between us to end.

Everyone else gives me hugs and says "hi" but there is still silence between us and my heart breaks. I am not the same as I use to be. I'm still a writer, but I have learned to write in a different mindset.

I have learned to point the finger back at myself and recognize my mistakes. What I said and what I did and how I could have done things differently. I can not pretend that I don't still love him, because I do. But, it is not a romantic love. It is a miss you very much and just want us to go back to hanging out, kinda love.

He made me laugh all the time. He kept me in good spirits. Even when I wasn't at my best or didn't feel well, he thought to ask me if I was okay. But, now that I need his love and support the most he is nowhere to be found. I live 4 minutes away (driving). Please tell me why we have not seen one another outside of church, tag or bible study?

I don't want to live in a place where there is this distance between us.  But, every time I ask God to move me something else comes up making it impossible for me to leave. It is hurtful. It is a situation that I wouldn't want anyone to go through. And its not about, he did this and she did that, its about that I don't want to waste anymore time not loving him...

We can get called to Heaven tomorrow and the last thing that will be on his heart, is him acting distant and holding a grudge toward me and me missing him.

We don't have time to be divided.
We don't have time to be selfish. We are in the end of the end times. Jesus Christ can come back at any moment and the last thing I want is to be missing him. I know, I take full responsibility for these thoughts too. He shouldn't even be on my mind. I should be sleeping right now, but I couldn't sleep because I was lying to myself about being hurt.

 

 

I am hurt, because I miss him. I miss the hugs. I miss the laughs. I miss us going to church together. I miss watching Suits together. I miss the skype messages and pictures. I miss it all. But, what I didn't realize is that after awhile we started to forget about God. When God was the one that put us together in the first place. I didn't thank God for sending him to help me. I took the situation for granted, because I thought he would always be there.

Then I tried to intercede on his behalf and take the spiritual beatings and God did not want that either. I thought if I helped, if I "shielded" him from the pain with the heart that God gave me that is filled with compassion and bigger than the Sun at the core, that I could save him and that everything would be okay... I told God, "I don't mind. I'm strong enough to handle his pain. I have dealt with a lot worse...." But God said no. And I could do nothing but sit back and watch. And I was mad and I was frustrated and I was tried because I couldn't do anything to help not him nor myself....

I was mad at God for not letting me take the spiritual beatings... haha, how silly right. But, when as time went on I realized why God had told me "no." It was because there were other people that needed to see the strength of God in me, more than he did. He was going to be fine, God was going to take care of him. Send him family and friends to keep him motivated and moving in life. But, there were others who were on the edge and they needed to see the strength God placed in me to give them hope to move into tomorrow, toward a better day....

If, I'm called to be a minister one day then I'm going to have to make sacrifices obediently and without complaint. Sure, it cut me. CUT ME DEEP, not to be able to call him up and be like "hey whatcha up to?" Cut me deep not to be able to text him a silly face picture or whatever. It still cuts me deep now not to be able to share all the best parts of my life with him. My grandmother asks about him and so does my god family...

To be fair, I wouldn't want to be around someone who talks junk about me either when I act out in my flesh, during my "bad days" (even though that has happen to me before... how did I like it? It didn't feel very good. But turned the situation around and found it amusing so it didn't bother me...).

But, we can't go back and undo what is already done. But we can move onward and pray that God fills us with his agape love so that when we see one another we respond to one another with the love of Christ. I have learned quite a few things since being separated from him and 1: is to never take any moment with anyone you love for granted. Because one day you might wake up and they won't be there anymore...

2. Show love, speak life into your loved one, spread positive energy

3. My life is not my own and it is used to be a blessing to someone else's life.

4. Do things in love and give with a cheerful heart

So, yeah, it may not mean much to anyone else but seeing him peaceful, smiling and walking in the love of God is a prayer that I pray for him. Because despite the way things are God still used him to bring me here, where I learned how to speaking, sing and pray in tongues and where I learned how to walk in the love of GOD. If, it wasn't for him finding me the journey would have not been quite like this...

I just pray that we get a chance to go back to being comfortable around one another, laughing and talking, the way I am with everyone else in tag before my time here is over. I don't want to leave here with a cloud of unforgiveness over our heads. He says that he isn't mad at me, but when he speaks to me I still here it in his tone and even more than that I feel it in his energy. When I come into the room his energy changes. I'm not the only one that notices it or feels it either. So, that's how i know that I'm not "crazy" or "paranoid" about it...

 



 

 

Realistic Fairy-tale Wedding, Marriage and Life

I want to be with a man who, when I run to him because I need help he says, "baby I'll take care of it." I want my husband to be so rooted in God that the second I step into the room he can tell if I'm in the right spirit or not. I want to look into his eyes and see more than just lust. I see depth, passion, life, joy, hope, strength. When I'm in his arms I want to fall asleep knowing that I'm protected and safe. I want him to be thoughtful, have a heart of compassion for others. I want him to be romantic (not every day of course lol let's be realistic but during those moments when I'm feel particularly needy that's when he needs to come up with something creative to remind me that I'm loved. 

It is very hard to have a life where you don't have any immediate family around you. And yes, there is the church family but at night they go home to their immediate families and I go home alone. Even, the lady I live with I'm very thankful for her life and for allowing me to stay here. 
But I hear her children and grand daughter playing, laughing and talking throughout the house and it makes me sad a little bit in my spirit. That's the one thing that I have always wanted ever since I lost my mother was a family. My own family. I love to love Gods people and when I don't have anyone around to share all this love with, it makes me feel useless and disconnected from God. 

New Heights: Rising of the Queen, Marriage & Reflections

The truth is that since I have been here, I have learned a lot more about friendships. Sometimes you meet people who truly care about your life and want to see you do well in life. In other cases you learn about people only to find that the only reason they are your friend is because they want to be "nosy" and have all the private details into your life. 

The sad thing is, that often times it is the people that you trust the most that end up stabbing you in the back or end up being more concerned about being "nosy" than about being a real friend. 

People change every single day, but how they change is what you have to look out for...

When Daddy Comes Home: Bruised But Not Defeated

Thank you God for my new job. Thank you for my own new car. Thank you for this house I live in, the bed I sleep in. Thank you God for the lady I stay with. Thank you God for the good health in my grandmothers' body. Thank you God for your faithfulness, protection, mercy, grace and peace in and over my life. Thank you God for your love in me. Thank you God for your light in me. Thank you God for opening all the doors that you want me to walk through. Thank you God for filling my life with loving, caring, kind of heart followers of Christ, who are passionate and on fire for your love.