I spent a lot of time taking breaks. Being upset at things that I had done, not wanting to accept that in those consequences there were things that I needed to "see."
I am anger. I am pain. But, I am also Love.
I believe that scars can be used as fuel to skyrocket us to the next level of Greatness. That sometimes this next level is subtle. It does not need an introduction. It does not need a immaculate parade.
With wavy stick figure balloon men and princesses that invitingly waving at the children to coax them in a fantasy world of "its all right, because I'm pretty." When reality deems it otherwise.
I am not afraid of death. Yet, the memories of my death can only haunt me if I choose to stay in them. Happy memories were my death. But, I escaped in the shadows. In the blackness of my heart.
Accountability means that you are held responsible for whatever instrument of power that you are given or whatever choices that you have made in relation to that power. I begged God to take my heart out. So, I could feel nothing. Become an instrument of war and nothing else. And in me becoming and instrument of "war" God reminded me that, there doesn't need to be a fight. That not all men were out to destroy me.
Brutalize and torment my existence with their half ass promises of safety and dedication. When men look at me, I give them a wicked smile. And in that smile it tells them that they don't "want it." Because I'm a mission to "fight" Tango with the Lion of Judah, is what I was trying to warn the members of that community. A male in particular being so adamant that he could "handle me." But, it was I that saw his tears, his failure and his mistakes. It was I, that watched him drown in his own failure. And that was half of the other memory that not only reminded me that I am part human but also of why death was imperative.
But in the darkness, I was re-introduce to an old friend that I did not want the responsibility of caring for: Maturity.
As the Queen Through Christ I am a aware of a few things:
1. Is that my life is not my own.
2. That I have a lot of work to do for the kingdom of God.
I tried to be "bad" I tried to be "loud." But bad leads to unneeded soul-ties. It felt like a weight on my soul keeping me from going to the next level. I tried to remain "average" "normal" "regular" so that men would like me. So that the guy I was crushing on, dated, liked or however you want to describe it would stay in my life.
I tried to be "normal" and "indifferent" and "complacent" so that he wouldn't SEE ME because once he realized who I was, I knew that he would leave. Once he realized that I am a Queen through Christ and that I recognize my self worth, they always leave.
I ask them to rise to my level. To stand with me in greatness through Christ Jesus. I ask them to battle against mediocrity with me. I ask me to fight against injustice. I ask them if they would take the sunglasses from their face and walk in truth, love and peace with me but all I hear is silence and then I see their back turned toward me.
When a man comes into my life and "gives up" on me, essentially he says that he is 1. not ready to live a life of greatness and 2. that is he not ready to be a king through Christ and 3. that he is not confident enough in God.
I can not change a joker into a king. They must accept and understand their self worth. They must know that just as Jesus Christ died on the cross for me, he also died for them too.
It hurts me to see a king, be degraded by this world and fall into a mental trap of the world. See, I know who I am through Christ Jesus. I know that I am the daughter of the most High King, but chose to take a "break" or go on vacation from my position of being a leader. I didn't walk away from God. I never could. I never can. I just needed time for me, to rest, recuperate, relax, before moving on in the journey.
I had some side projects that I started, in which I wanted to be dedicated too. I know that my life is not my own. I know that I am a reflect of the love of God. I know that I am mad to be an extension of the love of God, the peace of God, the strength of God. The problem is just because I am aware of that, does not mean that I know how to WALK in that awareness.
Gentlemen, you are the protectors of the women and young ladies in your family. They look up to you for guidance and counsel. They look up to you to be the leader. That is why it is very important that your life is in order with the word of God, as well as with the plan that God has for your life.
