Make The Sacrifices: Bring The Vision To Life

People think that because you are beautiful you don't have feelings, emotions, dreams and goals and a family that cares about you. 

Why is it that I go out of my way to care about other people and when shit really gets rocky in my life, those same people are not there for me? 

Whenever I have, I offer. 

Even if I don't have enough for just myself, I still offer. Whomever needs it the most is the one who receives it. 
But when I ask folks to come to my concerts, events or to just be considerate of my space, time, feelings, dreams, goals etc and they brush me off, push me to the side and sweep my wants and needs for "another time" that never arrives.....

I'm tired of being nice to people who don't appreciate me. I'm tired of going the extra mile and putting in the MOST effort only to have someone royal fuck up so bad that it really will take the MIGHTY and POWERFUL name of Jesus to save them!

I'm tired of being tired. 

I'm tired of being young and never being able to go out to have fun. I use to go out all the time with my girl-friends. I use randomly take a walk downtown, find a nice little venue and sit there all night with my little drink that I babysat until I didn't want it anymore. 

I'm tired of giving and getting very little, next to nothing back. I have been through more fucked up relationships than ones that were "great." 

Why would you argue with the ONE person who truly cares about your life? Why is it that I am always cleaning up someone else's mistakes and helping others organize their lives. 

My grandmother and I should be in a house by now. We should be living like the royalty we know that we are. That was my whole goal going to VA, I wanted to establish myself as a serious business woman. I wanted to make money, and then send it back to my grandmother, and my baby cousin.
I was so close too. All I needed was two more weeks, and then grandmother and I would have been chilling in our new home. She would have been safe under my watch, love and care 

I wish more people were considerate the way I am.
I wish more people took the time to think about what they said or did before they reacted?

I wish more people took the time to listen attentively.
I wish more people took the time to care about others peoples' belongings.

Why should I be the only one "thinking before I speak..." or the only one "thinking before I act and or react to something"

Why should I be the only one to apologize for my mistakes?
I'm not going to bite my tongue. Anymore. 
Its not fair to me, and I have waited too long, cried too many tears to just give up now. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a coward. I don't run when shit really hits the fan. I dig deep within my soul and find the courage to keep fighting the good fight and taking the high road. 
But I seem to be the only who cares about doing that....

Prepare For Your Prince (Princess) Charming!

I admit I was not prepare for love, when Love found me. I just wanted to have fun. I just thought it would be a date, but it turned out to be the greatest love adventure that I have ever known. 

It is so nice to not have to worry about a dude cheating, or playing games or just not being committed. I spent so much time wishing for other guys to want me, when I already had a man waiting to meet lil' ol' me!

Are you saying that you are in love? You care about love? Says the crowd in disbelief!

Yes, the great feminist has taken off her hat and it now sits in a closet collecting dust. I put the hat away and took my heart out to play. It took a lot of courage for me to get to this point. I was terrified when I realized or found out that he was really interested in learning more about me!

ME??????????? No! no! No! I'm mean. I'm angry. I hate boys. I hate men. I hate the world. I hate everything....!!!!

But even with all my brokenness and strange quirks he never gave up pursing me. I even think that my oddities made him more attracted to me. 

I took my time developing this relationship, because I was so afraid to make the same mistakes from my previous one. I am not going to rehash what happen in my previous relationship. You already know the story. 

The one thing I can say is that I learned a lot during my: VA spiritual boot camp journey. 

I mainly learned about what I wanted:
I wanted a man that would see past the glitz and glamour.
I wanted a man that would love me (unconditionally) no matter what my mood was like that day. 
I wanted a man strong enough to stand with me on this battlefield called: Life. A man who would not back now from challenges. A man with the courage and fortitude to walk victoriously.
I wanted a man who cared about other people.
I wanted a man who would give his last dollar to make me happy.
I wanted a man who would love me for me, all of me, everyday...
I say all that because there was a time when all of those things were the opposite in my life. It wasn't because I was a bad person, but naive, very, very, very much so. 

Life with my prince is a different experience, because for once all that I give is reciprocated. I don't have to beg, the love of my life to do anything for me, I don't have to play mind games to see where his heart is at, I don't have to pretend to be anyone else...
He loves me. The good, bad and awkward. 

He inspires my poetry, songs, and writings. He pushes me to be boldly creative, to never give up even when things seem so unobtainable. 

If, love can find me, love can find you too. But, I will say this prepare yourself for the day your prince arrives and you will be much mores stable later on. Take the advice or leave it. It is there to only help, never hurt you.
Love you. 

The Warrior's Spirit: ***Love is Art***

***Love Is Art***

Many of the changes that occurred, I was not prepared for. This whole "go with the flow" thing never really worked for me until now. I like adventure, but I like organized adventure. But LIFE didn't care what I liked. I got thrown in the water and either had to swim or sink.

Welcome Home Love: Favorite Hobbies (1)

I am a writer. The majority of the time, I prefer writing instead of verbal communication. Why? Because most times when I speak people don't listen, so why waste my breath? If I write them a letter at least, I can get all my thoughts out of my head and from there the rest is up to them. If they read it, then cool. If not then, that's perfectly OKAY too. 

As long as it is out of my head, then I will sleep at night just fine. 

Christmas Eve & Day: 2014 Reflection

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day Reflection: 

I guess people don't think that I have a life outside of them. It is not on their time and about what they want to do, then you better be beware of the "guilt you into doing something" monster. 

I have a confession to make: I need to be way more bluntly honest than I have been. Sometimes being "in love" or being in a relationship takes the "bite" out of the stink so to speak and softens you down so much, that you can no longer taste the "kick" in your holiday punch. 

But, that won't be me anymore...

I'm tired of people telling me things at the last minute and then expecting me to snap my magical fingers and BOOM! VA BOOM! I'm ready! At your service, with my slave chains on ready to serve you. 

Even, if I am told about an event in advance that does not guarantee that I will be able to go... why? Because I have a life outside of other people. And in particular I go where I am most appreciated and where I am most peaceful. If, I think there will be drama of any kind, I will not attend. Why? Because, I'd rather watch drama on TV than have it going on in my own life. 

It is hard to think clearly, (properly analyze) when you have a handful of people that complain about everything you do no matter how you do it, or how hard you try. It doesn't matter. IF they don't see you producing immediate results to their liking, then you get to be in the: HOT SEAT. I'm not available for interviews at this time, but when I am... I will let the world know. 

On the other hand, I had a very Soap Opera Christmas eve and a very peaceful Christmas Day. I never had a Christmas where I laughed so much, but I had a wonderful time. Not because I received tons of gifts, but because I got to spend time with people who I don't feel judge me on every little thing and mostly I got to just relax in who God created me to be. Loud, beautiful, dynamic and stunningly charming. 

I believe that 2015 will be a year of: 

#NoExcuses #FinishIt #BuildTheFoundation. 

2014: 

I learned that most times people don't really know what they can handle until they are in a situation that challenges them to look beyond their comfort zone. 

I also learned that no everyone who claims they are a "Christian" is really (trying) to follow Christ. Some people just use Jesus Christ as a ploy to get other people to "follow them" or "like" their facebook statuses. 

Welcome to a perfect world: Where you can be facebook famous for posting stuff that you really don't believe in or where you can take ten million selfies and feel like a celebrity for a day. Please! let us not forget the famous YOUTUBE special where you can get your 15 minutes of fame by doing tacky, obnoxious, even reckless videos and everyone praises you for being an idiot. 

Thank God 2015 is here. I'm ready to see what is next. 

Maturity: Love That Heals

I Forgive myself for allowing you to make me upset. 

I forgive myself from any and all poor choices made.

I forgive myself for being too giving to a person(s) who didn't care about my life.

I forgive myself for wasting my time.

There is a place where healing begins.
I never thought that Healing was very important.
I also never thought that it would be presented to me in an unconventional way.

Some people pay someone else to listen to their "problems, issues, troubles..."
Some people write, sing, dance: Create.
Then you have some people who just keep their pain to themselves.

Do You Really Want To Be In A Relationship (part 2)

I don't think a woman should have to lower or hide her intelligence and strength just to make a man feel like a man. He should already be confident in who God made him and he should already have his life in order or be working really hard to get it in order. 

In the past, I put up with a variety of interesting men characters! 

I don't do a lot of socializing in real life. I tend to save my breath for people who actually want to make a change in their life and or learn something new. But, the behavior of men folk nowadays is so predictable that I don't find it fun anymore to even "play the game" anymore.

The Forever. The Always. The Evolving. (Part 1)

I'm in a different place. The months are moving by so fast, that I barely have time to even blow my nose before the next big "wtf" hits me. If another big "wtf" is about to hit me, at least let it be glamorous and fun. 
The job I had took a lot of my time and attention for about four and a half months. I'm not a big fan of getting up early in the morning, but I did because I knew that the money would help me support my modeling career. 

I love fashion, modeling, style and beauty. When there are opportunities for it I certainly want to be seen. I'm frustrated because I feel like I should be further along in life than I am. I feel like I should be on TV, have a record deal, and or be on the cover of one of the top magainzes in the world. 

Something has to change. 

My love life is wonderful! He treats me like a princess. He is very attentive, thoughtful and patient. Yet, there is something missing from my life. I miss the thrill and the passion behind setting up a shoot, or preparing to walk the runway. I was born to be infront of the camera, yet I'm always so far from it. 

I hate to be bored. If, I feel like my life is getting "stale" I do something, change my hair, do a new makeup style, get a new design on my nails etc just so I can stay free from the monotony that could be my life, if I don't make a conscious effort to fight for diversity. 

I watch shows like HouseofDVF and I think to myself, I hope those girls realize how blessed they are to have the opportunity to be around one of the top designers in the world. 

I'm still waiting for my "glory" moment, when everything just falls into place for my life. When I have a car, a house, a fun, stable permanent job and my modeling career is evolving. 

At this time in my life, I'm not looking to settle down and be a stay at home wife or mother. To those who love being a stay at home, that is wonderful and more power to those women. But, as for me, I want to travel, adventure and passion. I want to do the unthinkable and be challenged by the greatest. To win or lose would be an adventure in itself. I just want to move forward because I know that there is more to life for me. 

Reflection: Virginia (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 2)

When you go from one extreme to the other, from not thinking that much about God to thinking and passionately sharing everything you know and learn about God with everyone who is willing to listen. 

You tend to look at yourself and everyone around you differently...

As I said in the first blog, this time last year I was praying to go home. The strange thing, that all my prayers did nothing because when God was ready for me to go home everything lined up perfectly... 

I tried to go home about fifteen different times, prior to actually leaving. 

So that is safe to say, you can pray all you want, but if what you ask for does not line up with the will of GOD, it will not happen. 

So, I learned to live realistically. No more hopeless romantic. No more giving people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone has an agenda. "Everyone lies."  

I use to think that if I loved enough, treated people with kindness and respect that good karma would always follow me. I made it my best effort to "live to be a blessing" only to have my love and efforts stepped on. 

So, if you ask me if I believe that a man and woman can love one another unconditionally. The answer is NO. Anytime you want someone to "be with you" you will always compromise some part of yourself to "keep" them. It is inevitable. 

When I became realistic about my walk with God, I started to feel more powerful. You see, in VA I had a lot of fun praising God. But I praised him from a fractured place. A place where, if I didn't focus my attention and time only on God I would have lost my mind. 

I use to be preachy the way most of the people I know are becoming. I use to tell people that God is so good. Well, since He is why don't you go find out just how GOOD GOD is? 

During that time, I tried to start a business that failed miserably. I started the business while I was in VA because I thought it would be a quick way to make enough money to pay my rent at the time. But, as soon as I started to get things going tragedy hit and the young man that introduced me to the business died of a blood clot to his heart. 

I never met the young man in real life, but we were pen pals since college. Always encouraging one another to be and do better in life. I never had a friend pass away. The fact that he was my friend opened my eyes to see just how cruel this world is. He left behind his little girl and a whole town of people who loved and respected him dearly. Bless his soul. He always tried to help when he could. 

He was an excellent listener.

Reflection: VA (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 1)

Imagine if Mary Poppins was a warrior chick instead of a smiling, singing, umbrella flying nanny...

I'm not like Mary Poppins or Plain Jane.

This time last year, I was stuck in Virginia, praying that I would go home. It was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. To be stuck somewhere, where you don't know anyone and where no one can give you the answers you seek. 

I reflect often because I never want to forget where I was, to where God has me now.

Established Rules: Single and Never Been Married

As the Queen Through Christ I am a aware of a few things:
1. Is that my life is not my own.
2. That I have a lot of work to do for the kingdom of God. 

Gentlemen: Build The Foundation

Gentlemen, you are the protectors of the women and young ladies in your family. They look up to you for guidance and counsel. They look up to you to be the leader. That is why it is very important that your life is in order with the word of God, as well as with the plan that God has for your life. 

God Had Other Plans: Damsel in Distress (No More)

I'm so tired of trying to figure out the "why" to the "situation" that I swear I'm about to lose my mind. Why would any man be that cruel to use God as a means to get close to me? Why would he purposely make a promise to help, drag me out of my comfort zone and then abandon me like that? How does that show love? 

A Blessing To Know: RIP Mark Bunch

As a "Queen through Christ" I often come into contact with a lot of tragedy. I find out on Friday Feb 28th 2014, that my friend Mark Bunch passed away. His death hit a little too close to home for me. 

I remember him being very kind spirited. He had the most positive outlook on life for a man that was apart of the military. He was also very encouraging. He would call to check on me every now and then just to make sure I was okay. He always spoke well of others, was very honest but in a kind way. 

I can't believe that he is gone, because I was just asking him for advice the other day. When I was "stuck" in VA he encouraged me to keep staying positive. He told me that I would be okay. He was right. That's why his passing away hurts me, he was "there" for me when everyone else seemed too busy. I don't have too many man friends who can I say have actually kept their word to me. Mark is a good example of an honest man. That's rare to find these days. 
I thank God I had the chance to be apart of his life and to know him.

RIP Mark, thank you so much for reminding me to stay positive and for being a reminder of a source of strength for me when I lost mine. Love you bunches! 

(Reflection) Adventure in VA: Purpose to Sing

(Reflection)Adventure in VA: the majority of the lady and men folk I met can sing all day. I found a "family" in the community of passionate singers (that was my gift) like myself.

Yet, sometimes when us singers get together it feels more like a competition and some days in my time there that's what it felt like. Competition, Favoritism, and Jealousy. When I'm in a choir I'm there to learn. Even if I'm not that passionate about the song. I enjoy learning it anyway, because there is always something NEW you can take from something unfavorable.

A part of me didn't feel that I had any room to spread my "singing wings." I wanted to much to do more. My spirit was always calling to serve, but as soon as I would get up enough courage to say something about that, then someone else had already taken the "position" or the position was already given to someone else out of favoritism. 

Please, don't get me wrong I love to sing, any music that can be used to edify God, encourage or inspire another life to do better in their own I'm all for. But, favoritism. I'm not for that. How do you know that someone else isn't more qualified for the position? You never even gave them a chance. 

But on another note:

I met a young lady and man who both have excellent classical voices. When I discovered that they could sing like that, I almost choked on my own happiness. lol Wow! people that like classical music like me! Cool! haha

It was a "learning" experience. But, more than that I learned that in order to lead you have to be able to follow and take instruction. You can't be a leader and think you know it all, because God will end up showing you a thing or two that just might blow your mind

Revelation about Beauty: Beauty From Pain

Some women get to be Mary Poppins, Others get to be GI Jane. 

Sometimes you get to pick. Other times life picks for you. 

SO! You Want To Be A Leader???

I'm learning a lot about myself in this journey of "firsts." The only person that I can self reflect on is me. If, I want those around me change or have a more positive energy in their lives, then I have to be a source of positive energy, does that make sense? 

I know how to lead, but I don't know how to lead a team. Normally, when I put myself out there people just follow me or copy after what I want, but when I realize that they are following me then I take myself out of the spotlight and hide. 

I don't like people to copy off of me. I want everyone to be themselves and be original. But, since I'm called to reflect Christ, there is NO ME. It is only the fruit of the spirit of GOD that other people need to see me walking, talking and living in. 

Here are the fruits of the spirit: 

I think right now, I'm learning how to walk in love, peace and joy. See, I know how to lead when it comes to business, like getting a team college project done or doing a company team portfolio project! Hands down! I gotta it! Now I just have to transfer that same passionate spirit, to learning how to be about the Lords' business. 

Sometimes I let what is troubling me show on my face. In other words I don't really have a good poker face. haha When something isn't right in my spirit it will certainly show on my face! 

When people do me "dirty" and I KNOW that they did me dirty but they walk around like nothing ever happen, it will certainly show on my face. I don't like liars. I don't like cowards. 

With that said... I have to learn that everyone is at a different level in their spiritual walks. Some are on level one and others are on level 8. I also have to remember that there are also levels of maturity. As long as I stay grounded in the level of maturity that God has me at, then I know that others will eventually (after much prayer lol) rise to my level of commitment and dedication. I have learned to leave my "baggage outside the front door" before I go into choir rehearsal. I try not to bring any worries from the day into my praise and worship and or choir rehearsals. If, I do then I don't feel like my entire attention is on God. 

Revelations. Reflections. Words of Wisdom. Advice (part 1)

I seem to have the most to say between 11pm and about 6am in the morning. I don't know why those are the times that I want to talk the most. I'm different in that way. When everyone else is sleeping, I'm wide awake watching the world spin without seeing anything actually move, so to speak. 

If I couldn't write or type, I would probably die. Why do I say that? Because I don't connect much with what society thinks is cool nowadays. I don't even connect with what much of the "Christian community" is doing either. I'm in a category of my own. To understand me, you would have to suffer greatly and most of the young adults here, seem to still be children to me. They have mommies and daddies who kiss their boo boos and put band-aids on their scraped knees. 

We are adults now. Time for many of them to suck it up and walk bold for Christ. Leave the "nest" of security and go into ministry.

The "VOICE OF REASON"

I have been in Woodbridge Virginia for about 6 months and the only thing that has changed is: me. People seem to be envious of that. You would think that "Christians" those who go to church every Sunday, work in the church nursery, praise and worship God right beside me would be glad that I finally made the choice to let God take over my life. But no. They still hold grudges. They still have unpleasant things to say about me. The funny part is that they think that I don't know. But, I know as much as the Lord allows me to hear and to see. So, I do "know." 

Learning How To Speak In Love

Most of the time when I'm around a group of people I'm quiet for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I haven't learned how to speak (in love) constantly, the way most of the other members of the community have. 

My mother was the only one to administer hugs and kisses and the whole thing about "let's talk about it." But after she passed away, I was forced to be my own mom, dad, brother, sister, friend and protector. I use to be very sweet. Very kind. Very loving. You asked me to do anything for you, not only would I do it but I would also go above and beyond to do extra because I knew that it would make you well pleased. A "people pleaser" is what I use to be. Until, "enough was enough." Then to go a step beyond that, until... I was re-introduced to God again.