How To Drive A Manual... (Learn Quick, Stay Alert)

I officially found the courage to actually practice trying to drive a manual and let me say that the experience was: 

Powerful. Powerful. Powerful.

Make The Sacrifices: Bring The Vision To Life

People think that because you are beautiful you don't have feelings, emotions, dreams and goals and a family that cares about you. 

Why is it that I go out of my way to care about other people and when shit really gets rocky in my life, those same people are not there for me? 

Whenever I have, I offer. 

Even if I don't have enough for just myself, I still offer. Whomever needs it the most is the one who receives it. 
But when I ask folks to come to my concerts, events or to just be considerate of my space, time, feelings, dreams, goals etc and they brush me off, push me to the side and sweep my wants and needs for "another time" that never arrives.....

I'm tired of being nice to people who don't appreciate me. I'm tired of going the extra mile and putting in the MOST effort only to have someone royal fuck up so bad that it really will take the MIGHTY and POWERFUL name of Jesus to save them!

I'm tired of being tired. 

I'm tired of being young and never being able to go out to have fun. I use to go out all the time with my girl-friends. I use randomly take a walk downtown, find a nice little venue and sit there all night with my little drink that I babysat until I didn't want it anymore. 

I'm tired of giving and getting very little, next to nothing back. I have been through more fucked up relationships than ones that were "great." 

Why would you argue with the ONE person who truly cares about your life? Why is it that I am always cleaning up someone else's mistakes and helping others organize their lives. 

My grandmother and I should be in a house by now. We should be living like the royalty we know that we are. That was my whole goal going to VA, I wanted to establish myself as a serious business woman. I wanted to make money, and then send it back to my grandmother, and my baby cousin.
I was so close too. All I needed was two more weeks, and then grandmother and I would have been chilling in our new home. She would have been safe under my watch, love and care 

I wish more people were considerate the way I am.
I wish more people took the time to think about what they said or did before they reacted?

I wish more people took the time to listen attentively.
I wish more people took the time to care about others peoples' belongings.

Why should I be the only one "thinking before I speak..." or the only one "thinking before I act and or react to something"

Why should I be the only one to apologize for my mistakes?
I'm not going to bite my tongue. Anymore. 
Its not fair to me, and I have waited too long, cried too many tears to just give up now. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a coward. I don't run when shit really hits the fan. I dig deep within my soul and find the courage to keep fighting the good fight and taking the high road. 
But I seem to be the only who cares about doing that....

Maturity: Love That Heals

I Forgive myself for allowing you to make me upset. 

I forgive myself from any and all poor choices made.

I forgive myself for being too giving to a person(s) who didn't care about my life.

I forgive myself for wasting my time.

There is a place where healing begins.
I never thought that Healing was very important.
I also never thought that it would be presented to me in an unconventional way.

Some people pay someone else to listen to their "problems, issues, troubles..."
Some people write, sing, dance: Create.
Then you have some people who just keep their pain to themselves.

The Forever. The Always. The Evolving. (Part 1)

I'm in a different place. The months are moving by so fast, that I barely have time to even blow my nose before the next big "wtf" hits me. If another big "wtf" is about to hit me, at least let it be glamorous and fun. 
The job I had took a lot of my time and attention for about four and a half months. I'm not a big fan of getting up early in the morning, but I did because I knew that the money would help me support my modeling career. 

I love fashion, modeling, style and beauty. When there are opportunities for it I certainly want to be seen. I'm frustrated because I feel like I should be further along in life than I am. I feel like I should be on TV, have a record deal, and or be on the cover of one of the top magainzes in the world. 

Something has to change. 

My love life is wonderful! He treats me like a princess. He is very attentive, thoughtful and patient. Yet, there is something missing from my life. I miss the thrill and the passion behind setting up a shoot, or preparing to walk the runway. I was born to be infront of the camera, yet I'm always so far from it. 

I hate to be bored. If, I feel like my life is getting "stale" I do something, change my hair, do a new makeup style, get a new design on my nails etc just so I can stay free from the monotony that could be my life, if I don't make a conscious effort to fight for diversity. 

I watch shows like HouseofDVF and I think to myself, I hope those girls realize how blessed they are to have the opportunity to be around one of the top designers in the world. 

I'm still waiting for my "glory" moment, when everything just falls into place for my life. When I have a car, a house, a fun, stable permanent job and my modeling career is evolving. 

At this time in my life, I'm not looking to settle down and be a stay at home wife or mother. To those who love being a stay at home, that is wonderful and more power to those women. But, as for me, I want to travel, adventure and passion. I want to do the unthinkable and be challenged by the greatest. To win or lose would be an adventure in itself. I just want to move forward because I know that there is more to life for me. 

Reflection: VA (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 1)

Imagine if Mary Poppins was a warrior chick instead of a smiling, singing, umbrella flying nanny...

I'm not like Mary Poppins or Plain Jane.

This time last year, I was stuck in Virginia, praying that I would go home. It was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. To be stuck somewhere, where you don't know anyone and where no one can give you the answers you seek. 

I reflect often because I never want to forget where I was, to where God has me now.

Instrument of Warfare: Maturity

I spent a lot of time taking breaks. Being upset at things that I had done, not wanting to accept that in those consequences there were things that I needed to "see." 
I am anger. I am pain. But, I am also Love. 
I believe that scars can be used as fuel to skyrocket us to the next level of Greatness. That sometimes this next level is subtle. It does not need an introduction. It does not need a immaculate parade. 

With wavy stick figure balloon men and princesses that invitingly waving at the children to coax them in a fantasy world of "its all right, because I'm pretty." When reality deems it otherwise. 
I am not afraid of death. Yet, the memories of my death can only haunt me if I choose to stay in them. Happy memories were my death. But, I escaped in the shadows. In the blackness of my heart. 

Accountability means that you are held responsible for whatever instrument of power that you are given or whatever choices that you have made in relation to that power. I begged God to take my heart out. So, I could feel nothing. Become an instrument of war and nothing else. And in me becoming and instrument of "war" God reminded me that, there doesn't need to be a fight.  That not all men were out to destroy me. 

Brutalize and torment my existence with their half ass promises of safety and dedication. When men look at me, I give them a wicked smile. And in that smile it tells them that they don't "want it." Because I'm a mission to "fight" Tango with the Lion of Judah, is what I was trying to warn the members of that community. A male in particular being so adamant that he could "handle me." But, it was I that saw his tears, his failure and his mistakes. It was I, that watched him drown in his own failure. And that was half of the other memory that not only reminded me that I am part human but also of why death was imperative. 

But in the darkness, I was re-introduce to an old friend that I did not want the responsibility of caring for: Maturity. 

Boring: If This is Hell (Cry Of The Warrior)

The only thing that is keeping me sane are my blogs and my journals. If this is hell then Jesus get me out of here because I'm bored. The only other time I was bored to death was when I was stuck in Virginia. 

I wish I could call God and ask him why he keeps putting me in these country ass situations, where I'm around families and kids all the time. Please, don't get me wrong kids are great, but as a single woman with no kids and trying to live my life I feel different about things. 

Young mothers' and fathers' care about the things that their children say and do, naturally they are the parent. But I don't. This is my time to be a little bit selfish in life. I spent enough of my time trying to build that "family life" that God approves of and now I don't' want to anything to do with it. 

When I first mentioned that if God didn't send my husband then all I wanted was money and motorcycle. I got a lot of flake for saying that from "small community Christians." 

I look at things differently. You have some that are in the military who strictly sit behind a desk all day and process papers. They are still considered soldiers. Then you have others who are out in the field who actually fight on the battlefield. Their perspective on life is a little bit different than the solider sitting behind the desk. 

That is how I feel about meeting Christians who have mommy to breast-feed them at 30 and daddy to kiss their boos and scrapes late into their 20's. Time to get off the nipple. I was so annoyed in Virginia because that's all I was around cookie cutter Christians. I only met like two who were actually warriors for Gods' love and understood about the "fight." Everyone else was clueless. How is your dad a pastor and a mom a teacher and you're clueless to what spiritual warfare is all about or you run from it? 

Please get me some soldiers who already know how to fight, in Jesus NAME. I can't have rookies watching my back. In translation: I was out in the field with rookies watching my back and that's when I got attacked big time. I'm still in recovery so to speak. A bit traumatized but its nothing that God himself, can't fix. Don't need a shrink to try and empathize with me. Just need some serious praise and worship time around people who are Warriors like myself. 

There was a point when I thought that a few of the rookies really understood what I was saying, but then I realized they were capable of understanding about spiritual warfare but they didn't know how to conduct themselves on the battlefield. Its like talking about a war that you only watched from a distance, but never actively took part in. You see all the moves and methods but you are not the one making them. 

So, I fought alone with the strength of God backing me. 

Love Doesn't Pay the Bills

Dating is suppose to be fun, but most times for me it ends up being another headache that I don't have enough pills to take to get through. Men nowadays are so arrogant, spoiled, and entitled. They pretend to do the whole "chivalry" route for a whole of 5 minutes then they turn into a complete asshole. 

If you play hard to get then they lose interest and flirt with other girls while you go to the restroom. If you give in too easy then they lose interest in that too. 

Its all about the chase. Fuck the chase. Give it to me straight. What do you want from me? 

When I bluntly ask men that question they get caught off guard because I already know what they want before they think it. Its not like you went on a date with me because you were fascinated by my brains. And its not like you want to see me again because you actually were interested in talking about the theories of human evolution. 

I like it when men try to combat my intelligence. "Oh, I got a point because I stimulated her mind for a second!" No, I gave you that point because I was ten seconds from shutting your entire manhood down. But, its fun when I get to play with my food, every now and then. 

The Problem You Run From

The Lord opens your eyes to "see" facets of humanity that we don't want to believe. 

So, I asked God to make me apart of the problem so that I wouldn't have the responsibility of knowing the weight of the truth. Yet, even in begin part of the problem I can still see the truth. The sickness. The pain. The suffering. The more I "see" the more sorrow I know. Not only for my own life, but for the lives of those who walk aimlessly around like "zombies" desperately trying to find their next thrill to escape their reality of an unsatisfied life. 

We are unsatisfied because we do not choose to let God satisfy us. We think that we are mini gods, but as a god that means you can satisfy yourself, so why are people so desperate to be entertained? They want to escape. Many to run from the call of God. But no matter where we run God, the Almighty can and will meet us wherever we are at. 
To God be the glory. All praise and honor belong to God. 

I'm So Glad To be the Third Wheel and Fifth Wheel

Life has a sense or humor. When I was stuck in Virginia I found myself surrounded by families, young married couples and children. I'm single and I don't have children, so why would I want to spend my time around families, young married couples and children all day? 

Please don't get me wrong I love children. When I'm around kids I change into a completely different person. I'm more sweet. I'm more gentle. I'm way more patient. But, I still have to remember that I'm single and I don't have children. So at the end of the day. It is still just me, myself and I. 

The Queen On Vacation: Respect The Journey (Murder Trial)

This is the scripture that was brought to my spiritual attention during work today: 

My intense bitterness obstructed my peace but You have loved my life back from the pit of corruption and nothingness: for You have cast all my sins behind your back (Isaiah 38:17).

Yes, I'm still pissed at the injustice done during my VA "murder trial" I didn't have anyone to defend me... you know the story. I had to cut some of the people who were about of my "murder" out of my life. Simply because they were advocates for injustice. They stood by and as Christian watched me be persecuted and did nothing to help me. Just stood there. Laughing. Because death is funny, right? 

Grieving doesn't just end overnight. People grieve differently. But, the thing is not to let grief consume you. I can talk about it because I'm half way out of this grieving over VA. I can feel myself rise to the woman that God needs me to be. Its incredible. The power. But, I have to maintain humility. 

I haven't been blogging as much as I normally do, because I needed more time to reflect. I felt myself getting too "self righteous" and "holier than thou." I could feel my mind beginning to think that I was better than other people, because of the new revelations that God was frequently revealing to me. 

The calling God has on my life I'm not ready to walk in, yet. 

My step back from the "battlefield" has not only given me time to reflect but also time to put myself in the shoes of the people that I was "beating down with scripture." 

Yes, I did talk about God 24/7. I was so happy to finally have a connection and relationship with the Lord, that I became over zealous in my joy. 

In my time in VA, I noticed that so called Christian friends were jealous of the relationship that I discovered with God. They were not on my level, so instead of learning more about God for themselves they decided to try and beat me down, ostracize me or ridicule me about the current situation. 

But, please don't get me wrong I still love very much and please don't ever think that just because I love, that I'm a door mat and you can talk to me any ol' kind of way either. God is still working on me... so there is no telling what I"m capable if provoked. 

Beauty From Pain: Big Blue Exotic Creature (Justice)

Being in Woodbridge Virginia, is a lot to reflect on because the entire experience was a "first time" one. I met some very talented young men and women who are on their way to becoming pastors, preachers, evangelists, teachers of the word etc It was almost like I was in that movie Avatar with those big blue exotic alien looking creatures.

The Truth About My VA Trip: I Hope You're Still Laughing When The Devil Comes Knocking

The reason why I was so upset about the whole "situation" in Woodbridge, VA was not because I felt like he tricked me. Now I know that, that whole setup was by the devil. 

I understood that he needed to get his life in order. No one's life is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. But, nothing that I ever did in life rendered me to deserve what he did to me...
But first, why would you invite someone into your life when your life is not in order in the first place? 

And then second (to point the finger back at me and take responsibility) why did I accept being in his life when I had somewhat of a clue that his life was not in order? I was happy. I was "in love" with who he portrayed himself to be. He played the role of a dedicated, committed Christian man of God, well. The worst part about it was that only one other person besides his parents knew about his true nature. But no one bothered to give me a "heads up." I guess they thought my being in his life would influence him to do right. But no, only God has that kind of power. On top of that if he doesn't choose to be a better man for himself, he will never be. He has to make the choice.... 

SO! You Want To Be A Leader???

I'm learning a lot about myself in this journey of "firsts." The only person that I can self reflect on is me. If, I want those around me change or have a more positive energy in their lives, then I have to be a source of positive energy, does that make sense? 

I know how to lead, but I don't know how to lead a team. Normally, when I put myself out there people just follow me or copy after what I want, but when I realize that they are following me then I take myself out of the spotlight and hide. 

I don't like people to copy off of me. I want everyone to be themselves and be original. But, since I'm called to reflect Christ, there is NO ME. It is only the fruit of the spirit of GOD that other people need to see me walking, talking and living in. 

Here are the fruits of the spirit: 

I think right now, I'm learning how to walk in love, peace and joy. See, I know how to lead when it comes to business, like getting a team college project done or doing a company team portfolio project! Hands down! I gotta it! Now I just have to transfer that same passionate spirit, to learning how to be about the Lords' business. 

Sometimes I let what is troubling me show on my face. In other words I don't really have a good poker face. haha When something isn't right in my spirit it will certainly show on my face! 

When people do me "dirty" and I KNOW that they did me dirty but they walk around like nothing ever happen, it will certainly show on my face. I don't like liars. I don't like cowards. 

With that said... I have to learn that everyone is at a different level in their spiritual walks. Some are on level one and others are on level 8. I also have to remember that there are also levels of maturity. As long as I stay grounded in the level of maturity that God has me at, then I know that others will eventually (after much prayer lol) rise to my level of commitment and dedication. I have learned to leave my "baggage outside the front door" before I go into choir rehearsal. I try not to bring any worries from the day into my praise and worship and or choir rehearsals. If, I do then I don't feel like my entire attention is on God. 

Revelations. Reflections. Words of Wisdom. Advice (part 1)

I seem to have the most to say between 11pm and about 6am in the morning. I don't know why those are the times that I want to talk the most. I'm different in that way. When everyone else is sleeping, I'm wide awake watching the world spin without seeing anything actually move, so to speak. 

If I couldn't write or type, I would probably die. Why do I say that? Because I don't connect much with what society thinks is cool nowadays. I don't even connect with what much of the "Christian community" is doing either. I'm in a category of my own. To understand me, you would have to suffer greatly and most of the young adults here, seem to still be children to me. They have mommies and daddies who kiss their boo boos and put band-aids on their scraped knees. 

We are adults now. Time for many of them to suck it up and walk bold for Christ. Leave the "nest" of security and go into ministry.

Missing My Grandma: Welcome To The Party You Never Showed Up For

I feel very alone. I miss my grandmother very much, but each time I try to go back home something always happens to where I never can make it there. 

This is my situation: 

1. The person who brought me here abandon me. 

2. I'm stuck in a place where I don't really know anyone. 

3. I don't have any of my family nor friends here. 

4. I don't have a car to get to the places that I need to go. 

5. This is my first time being out on my own like this. 

6. I need a lot of support and encouragement

7. The person who brought me here stopped supporting and encouraging me. 

If you look at those 7 things, the first thing you might think is, "dang that's messed up!" Trust me every person that I share this part of my testimony with, says the same thing. There is no way around it. There is no way to put a pretty bow on it and make it look nice. 

But, what is worse is that the people who swear up and down that they love God, well they knew about them doing me dirty and did nothing about it. They sat back and watched them treat me bad. 

They laughed. They made jokes at my expense. The entire time while they were doing this, I was steadily praying for them, so that their situation could be made right. And lo' and behold not much longer after they were re-united with the love of their life, while I was losing mine. 

I tried to tell people in my new "Christian family" about what was going on and they would just sweep it under the rug and laugh it off like it was no big deal. They would have felt really bad if a suicidal spirit jumped on me and took me under and I ended up killing myself. But to God be the glory for giving me the strength to overcome. To God be the glory for sending "spiritual parents" to guide me to scriptures that were able to feed my spirit to keep me from being overtaken by negative spirits. 

When I tell you that the spiritual battlefield is real. 
I mean exactly what I say. 

The "Protecting" Spirit: Take A Bullet For You

 

The thing about me is that whenever someone is hurt or sad I instantly go into this "guardian angel" type of mode. Where I feel responsible for bringing them out of whatever dark place they are in. When God moves me away from them, so that I can't help them by praying for them or giving them a hug or making silly faces. It breaks my heart.

I know what its like to suffer. To actually wish and hear myself say that I would rather here a "pretty lie, than the the ugly truth." But, that's only because when you are hurt, sad, depressed and you feel far from God, all you want is something to make you feel better.

Well, I realized that for my loved ones that were hurting (while I was in a good place) all I could do was pray for them. Whenever I see people hurt I want so much to hold them in my arms and absorb all their pain. Just like when I see a child cry, that's the first thing I think of to do, pick them and hold them so they feel loved, comforted and protected.
                             
It is not different with grown men and women, because all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior are my brothers and sisters.

But, like I said God has to move me sometimes, so that they can go through the crushing. The job of carry their cross is reserved for Jesus Christ alone. And when God feels that I'm "protecting" my loved ones too much from their life lessons, spiritual spankings or the "crushing." He will move me away and there won't be anything that I can do about it...

I would have gladly taken all their pain, on myself because I knew that I was strong enough to handle it. I will gladly take a bullet for them, if ever it came down to not just for them but for all my loved ones. That's just the type of person I am, at the end of the day. After all the makeup is off, and I'm finally out those 6 inch heels and in some flats. My hair is tied up and I'm ready for bed. I turn into a big "mama hen." And when people need love. I have enough of it to share. More than enough actually.

When I don't get to share that love, I feel my spirit die a little bit more each time. So, that's why I ask God to send people who not only need love but also those who are ready to receive. Because in the right spirit, I tap into the love of God in me and his love is powerful enough to heal. The love of God melts the bitterness and crust right off. I know it, because when someone else shared the love of God in them with me, that's exactly what it did for me.

And I thank God for that, every day.

Welcome To The Community: No One Knows Me Here

*Of course I'm a bit insecure, the person who brought me here unexpectedly dropped kicked my life to the curb in a strange new place where I don't know anyone, and then he cut me out of his life.... what am I suppose to do?*

Before I wrote this I had to pray. I need to start praying over every piece of writing, be long or short because I found out that sometimes people might take what I say the wrong way and assume the worst which is, that I don't appreciate their life when I do.

The other thing I learned tonight was that I'm still upset.

I also learned that people in this community don't know why I'm upset or why I act the way I do and so I'm about to let everyone know my reality (not my truth, because only the word of God is truth) so that they can know why I act. I'm a walking testimony. Every thing that has happen to me since I stepped foot in Woodbridge Virginia is apart of my testimony and I'm going to share it.

Chapter One: You don't Mistreat the People you Love

Before I came here, he was so excited to have me here. All we did was talk about how much fun we would have and how awesome it would be for me to meet all his friends. Now we share the same circle of friends and he doesn't even speak to me.

The reason why I'm pissed is because he told my family and god family that he didn't have any money to take me back home, yet I find out that he is going out to eat, buying new clothes and trying to "big ball" again. If anyone needs to get their life, it needs to be him.

See, I'm as "real as it comes." I was never that way though in the past. In the past someone would give me a "reality check" and I would start balling my eyes out. Now, when someone states how they feel. I internalize it, reflect, pray over it and then I draw a conclusion from it. If they really feel that way and I'm really acting that way, then I make every effort to make a change.

The one thing about me, that I told him before he became involved in my life is that "I'm a warrior for Gods love" "Don't tango with the lion..." and "I don't like liars. Be honest." But, what I learned is that people don't like confrontation. Whenever they have the opportunity to either confront the issue head on and apologize and move on in love, they will always choose to run. They don't want to accept that they are responsible for someone else being hurt. God won't honor you hurting his children (your brothers and sisters).

So what's the summary of the story?

I came out here because he said that he would help me get on my feet. He told me my family that he would take care of me. But when he lost his job, that's when he lost his mind. He has never been right since.

Orignially he was all about God, "You are going to church every single day." Fed me scriptures. Prayed with me. Introduced me to his bestie! WHOA! I felt like I had my own little family, for a little there. But, what I did not expect is for me to turn against me. Is for him to take out his frustrations and anger out on me because he was disobedient and lost his job.

I'm at a point now where I don't care if he never talks to me again.

I'm still going to write a book about what he did and everyone is going to know how hateful and mean he really is behind close doors. I'm also going to write about WHAT I DID, so the audience and see how it all played out. I'm going to write about how God started to deal with my heart and how I tried to make it right between us. I'm going to write about how he gave me the cold shoulder out in public.

If I really wanted to tear the roof off of this place, I would do it and not care. If I really wanted to show my behind out and treat him the way he treated me I would have done so a long time ago. But, I was trying to be patient. While he was "doing the most" (as that seems to be a popular term around here) I was praying for him in the corner. Praying for us.

The awesome thing about God is that no matter what situation we find ourselves in he will always send people to guide us through whatever we are going through and that's when God sent his bestie to step in and help get a grip on what was happening.

He dropped kicked my life to the curb, while I'm out in the middle of nowhere, not knowing anyone. And then walked around like it was no big deal. No explanation. Said that he had to "focus on God (using God as a scapegoat) because he was too much of a coward to tell me that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. The worst part is that he broke up with me in a text message. How cowardly in that? Dude get real!

The other thing I learned is this: No one knows me here...

Okay, so it just makes the entire situation that I'm in VALID. Thank you for verifying what I have been saying the entire time that I have been here.

HE DID THE MOST. KNOWING THAT NO ONE HERE KNOWS ME.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TRANSITION.

Then he pretended like none of it ever happen.

But still people were telling me that I shouldn't "talk about it."

How am I going to get help for my situation if no one knows that I need help?

Didn't the Lord say, "ask and ye shall receive?"

I'm ever thankful to God for sending his bestie to step in and be a good friend to me because he sure was not. I needed his support the most and he spit in my face, stepped on me while I was trying to stand on my feet then moved on laughing at me while he stepped all over the pieces of my broken heart.

And I'm suppose to be joyful about that?

But, what comes around goes around... that's for sure. Sure, God gives a mercy and grace, but just because you don't see an immediate consequece doesn't mean that it isn't coming. It might not be as severe as it could be do to mercy and grace, but God will be the judge of that.

The only thing I want now is for God for open a new door so I can move on with my life. Because I see now that he is too mature. I saw him at the holy ghost party Friday night and he didn't say one word to me. I felt myself getting heated, I was about to go up to hi and show my behind out. Scare him off, since he runs from everything anyway, but I didn't do that. I just enjoyed everyone else around me. And I silently thanked God for all the loving people that he placed infront of me to give love back to.

This entire experience will be one that I never forget. I know that God is about to launch me to the next level. I know that God is about to bless my life greatly and abundantly so.

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day: Joy From The Holy Spirit (2)

I admit that I cried on Christmas Eve because the person who I had hope to hear from on that day, well they brought me here but they stopped caring about my life.

So, no text or call to say Merry Christmas. I sent them one but they didn't respond. And you know what, there comes a point where you just have to let people get "tired of being tired." But, when we mistreat Gods children please don't think we are going to get away with it. Moses, got mad at Gods people and hit the rock and all that time that he spent trying to get into the Promise land, all he got to do was see it. But he didn't get to go in all because he mistreated Gods people and was disobedient at the very end. But to God be the glory.
                                

Christmas Eve December 24, 2013
God blessed my life with a friend to hang out on that day. We ate fast good and watched a movie. We made jokes and talked about God. Its nice to hang out with other people who are just as passionate about God as you are.

Sometimes God will send you the people that you least expect to be the most comforting, encouraging or supportive to you. Its our choice whether we receive them as a blessing or not.


Christmas Day: December 25, 2013
I had hope that maybe they would text me and say "Merry Christmas" at the very least, since they didn't saying anything on my birthday. But they didn't do that either. They texted everyone else but not me. And you know what? "What goes around comes around" When other people start treating them the way they treat me, I hope my name and face pops into their skull. So they will realize just why they aren't in the place where they should be or why doors aren't opening fast enough for them.

You can't go around treating people, especially someone that loves you and cares about your soul salvation like crap and except God to just overflow your life with blessings. Even if you get one or two doors open, you are still going to reap the consequences of the negative seeds that you sowed. I know it, because I was on the starting and the receiving end of both situations.

Anyway, my Christmas actually turned out really awesome. Glory be to God. I got to hang out with a very loving woman of God. Who has a heart of passion and would give you the shirt off of her back if she had to. I was really depressed when she called me, but God always know just who to send. If he would have sent anyone else I would not have left my room, my depression was that deep. But, God is awesome. He knows us better than we do.

I got to meet all of her family and they are all very loving and super welcoming and kind. I felt a little bit out of place. I had never experienced so much love in my life. What I learned is that I know how to love others, but I don't know how to receive it. I also learned that the only time I give love is when someone is hurting.

At that point I felt my life take a turn. The family environment is something that I had always wanted in my own life. I never got a chance to fully experience that because God decided to take my mothers' life early and then my "dad" left my life too.

Yeah, the only part during the entire evening that got me was when all the couples were hugging and kissing and taking pictures with one another. That ol' feeling of loneliness started to creep back in. Life is cruel that way, the one thing that I want... to have someone to love, God places me right in the middle of other people being apart of a world that I have yet to plug into.

When I was in that world, I was so happy. But, I didn't seem to have much support. No one seemed to be really happy for me because at the time they were all single. Now that I'm single and they are "boo'd" up, no one cares about my pain.

I'm praying God moves me anyway or at least sends me back home though. I do thank God for sending his loving daughter into my life. He certainly equipped her to keep me "in line." *sigh* I'm just waiting for God to move me somewhere else. The people here have been very nice, but my pain is too great and living here is a constant reminder of the death of my child-like heart. Like I said before the only way I'm still breathing is because of joy from the holy spirit. Glory be to God.



 

Spiritual Maturity (Part 1)

When you allow God to take over your heart, mind, body, soul and spirit he can mature you as fast or as slow as he wants to. Sometimes he will keep putting you in the same situation just with different people, to see if you have learned the "theme" of the lesson. Other times he will separate you from everyone and anyone that you use to be "friends" with, to show you that you can only depend and rely on him (God).

God is maturing me at an incredibly fast rate. Since I stepped foot in VA, it was been the Journey of "firsts." I'm reading and mediating on scripture more, attending church regularly and actually give God all my praise now, attending bible study, singing at concert with an awesome community group choir, fasting and praying none stop 24/7.... I'm changed. I'm still changing. Like I said before, this is certainly spiritual bootcamp and I am defintely being prepared for something great.

I wish I knew what it was, but I suppose that if I knew then I would try to help God teach me. Hahaha. God doesn't need my help to do anything. I need his, daily.

Even the people that I thought I was suppose to "look up" too now seem immature to me. I'm gravely disappointed that the people I thought were my friends here, are really not. The hurtful thing is that they smile in my face each time they see me, but I really see their true colors now. Matter of fact I know that they were ones to aid in the entire downfall of my "happiness." All because they were jealous. But, to God be the glory. I don't hold a grudge against them. I still love them. Because even when Jesus knew that Judas was going to betrayed him he still treated him with love.

But, it just makes me more aware now. I'm not like them. I will never be like them and I don't care to be. I like fashion. I like makeup. I like going on adventures and starting projects. And most of all I like to protect all the sheep, not just one or a few. I watch out for everyone. Whoever is most in need, is who I offer to help first. If they accept it. Then wonderful. If not, that is there choice too.

I'm at a point in my life, where I don't have time for the games. The fake friends. If you knew how they were why didn't you pull me to the side and let me know something, instead of keeping me in the dark? But like I said, it doesn't matter. Because I have surpassed all of them in a very unique way and all I'm concerned about is going to the next level in my walk with Christ.

Glory be to God.