Reclaiming Of Life: "Get Your Happy"

I guess, wanting to live your own life and make choices that make you happy is what some would call: rebellion.

I spent too much time watching people who I looked up too and even considered to be friends, mentors and advisers make the same mistakes over and over. Yet, when I made a similar mistake they would tear me down and criticize me. So, I had to get tough. I accepted everything they said as truth. I didn't get any second opinions nor did I do any research on the topic. I just assumed that because they were in my life, they were older and had my life experience that they knew best. I also assumed that they had my best interest at heart...

But, then I started to notice something unusual...

Realities of the Fashion World (Seen & Heard)

I want to be in a position where I am in control of what I create. 

I am tired of people, taking my beautiful and magical ideas and downplaying them for their entertainment and or sick twisted pleasure of just being miserable creatures and wanting to add discord where none needs to be...

How To Drive A Manual... (Learn Quick, Stay Alert)

I officially found the courage to actually practice trying to drive a manual and let me say that the experience was: 

Powerful. Powerful. Powerful.

Nah, I'm Done Listening....(YOU LISTEN TO ME NOW)

I'm done "listening..." to talk when you don't make any sense. I gave you the proper tools. I sent the warnings. I did my part, but of course no one ever listens to me until its too late and if you DID listen, then why didn't you apply what I told you? #NOEXCUSE

Every time I listen to someone else's advice for my life, it always ends up holding me back, distracting me, pushing me further back, from reaching Gods best for my life. 

I'm also done listening to pastors, preachers, teachers etc of the "word of God" who don't walk the walk and talk the talk.

I have a realistic walk with God. 
I don't try to be righteous and holier than thou for shits and giggles.
I don't lie to myself about where I am in my journey.
I don't make excuses for not being better than yesterday.

I refuse to give up on my dreams of singing, modeling and writing all over the world. I would love to have my voice heard one day. But, my "old fashion" ideals are not popular. 

But, If I were a lying, materialistic, spoiled chick I would have the world eating out of the palm of my hand. But... I'm not like that. 

The Broken Heart of a Mad Scientist

Dear God, I pray this message is received in and with unconditional love. 

I have three families now. So, there are times when I feel like I am pulled in three different directions. 

What I need for my families to understand is..........

1. I am only one person. I can not be everything and anything to everyone at once. 

2. I have no parental support. (Not financially, emotionally, mentally, physically). None. Nothing. Zero. 
So, that means I have to bust my ass three times as hard and that is what I am currently doing. 

working

saving

loving

That is all I have time for currently. 

3. I don't like it when I get thrown into plans that I had no part in creating. 

Yet,  I feel like I am expected to follow with the plans anyway less, I be "shunned (oh no!) and or have "stones" thrown at me (oh golly gee!). 

If I'm not apart of creating the plans I'm not doing it. 

4. Everyone keeps tell me that I should "Do me..." 

Okay... well, I am. 

Yet, that seems to be a problem. If spending all my time with the love of my life is apart of "doing me" and I'm happy that is what I'm going to do. 

Instead of it being an issue, why don't you just be happy that I'm finally HAPPY that I met a man who loves me. What about instead of talking about me you silently pray for me to prosper and do accomplish my goals in life? 

5. Sometimes I feel like you expect me to drop everything I'm doing to cater to you. And well, I can't do that anymore...

Why because I am: BUSY! BUSY! BUSY! busting my ass to build a stable life, not just for myself but also one that will eventually benefit all the people I love. 

6. The best way to help me is for you to pray for me to get a car, move into a new apartment or house and offer encouraging words when we get to talk. 

7. If, I can make it out in VA in the middle of nowhere with people that I don't really know and with all the odds in the universe again me you should know, believe, and trust that God will take care of me now and even beyond the now in the situation I currently am in. 

8. I don't want to live in anyone's shadow. 

If I wait for someone else to finally be ready to help me make my dreams come true it will never get done in the time I need it to. 

And once again I'll be looked over, forgotten, sitting on the bench etc. I'm tired of waiting for permission to make my dreams come true. 

I should have been on the map along time ago. 
But everyone else came before me. Even though I was the most faithful and loyal during that time. 
So, now I'm taking charge of my own destiny. 

9. Any time I have enough to give, 

I ALWAYS OFFER and ALWAYS GIVE. GIVE. GIVE. GIVE. 

I am a GIVER, so the ONE time in my entire life when I want to be selfish and everyone seems to have a problem with it. 
This is my time to be "selfish" To do "me." 
If I can't help myself, then how can I help anyone else? 

Disclaimer: Talking about my adventure and or tragedy in VA still brings tears to my eyes. I put EVERYTHING I had into trying to start over in VA. I thought I would go to VA and work, save money, get a car and really start living a glamorous, wonderful, happy life with a man that I thought cared about me, but he used my love for God to get close to me and then abandon me....

One of the worst things in life is to put trust in someone (after telling them all the crap you have been through in life with just dating and relationships in general) only to find out that they are a coward, liar and a fraud.  

I missed so much in those eight months I was gone, moments and time with my families that I will never get back. And the worse part is that anyone of those SO called CHRISTIANS could have offered to take me home but no one cared enough about me to offer that, because they didn't know me and didn't take out time to figure out how I got there to begin with... 

A lot of those so called Christians I have deleted from my life permanently. 

Why does the thought bring tears to my eyes still? 

1. I never thought I would see with my own eyeballs the devil manipulate someone into hurting me. 

2. Out of all the mistakes I made throughout my life I know I didn't do anything so horrible to deserve to be treated so cruelly
And the worst part about being treated that way is that I was in the midst of so called "Christians" who witnessed how I was being treated and yet, they did nothing to stop it or fix it. In there eyes I was just some poor little black girl new to the area with no family. 

My entire life was about God. I went to church. I played by the rules. I did not seek revenge like I strongly desired to do. I prayed every night. I read my bible. I fasted. I prayed with and for others. I DID MY PART and yet still when I would attend the bible studies the other young adults would talk about me behind my back, then smile in my face, exclude me from activities etc 

I saw through all that fake BULLCRAP the first second I laid eyes on half of the group and yet, when I tried to call it out I was the one that was "crazy." 

They better be thanking GOD that I was not who I am today or that whole GROUP, CLIQUE would have been internally damaged. I was hurting something terrible and everyone kept telling me to "pray about it" "get over it" and then had the nerve to laugh at me or about me behind my back. 

SO excuse me for not giving a fuck. And doing me!

Also, when I was stuck in VA hurting, dying, heart bleeding all over the universe, confused, lost, scared, and wanting to do unspeakable things to end the pain. 
NONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO I KNEW WITH CARS came to GET ME! Why? Because at the time they said I needed to learn from my "poor choices." 

They said it was my fault for being in that situation in the first place. And yes, that is true. I did make the choice to move to VA, but the events that took place after I moved there were jacked up and SOMEONE could have driven in their CAR to come get me... 

It wasn't until 6 months later that my aunt, the one woman who breaks her neck and back everyday to help everyone and take care of everything had time to come and get me. We may not always see eye to eye, but I can say one thing about my aunt and that is: WHENEVER I REALLY NEED HER, she is ALWAYS THERE. 

Where were my families oh and my so called friends when I was out in VA struggling, needing money and food to eat?
GONE! 
Disappeared!
Sorry I'm busy!
I can't!
I don't have any gas!
(You have gas to do everything else, but when I need help doing something out of nowhere there is no gas, really? Come one get real! You didn't want to drive to come get me because you didn't WANT TO. NOT because you couldn't) 

Additionally, I admit that I was naive. I thought if a man claimed to be a "Christian" that it automatically meant that he loved God and people the way I did... wrong! wrong ! SOOOOOOOOOO wrong!

But, back to the present...

I am HAPPY!

HAPPY!

HAPPY!

HAPPY!

I am in love!

Even if my boyfriend annoyed me everyday I would still be happy because at least I know that 1. I can count on me when I really need him to be there and 2. that he loves me unconditionally everyday. No matter what changes I go through. 

 And no I'm not exactly where I want to be yet, but I know that if I keep praying and working hard that eventually I will get there. 

My families taught me how to pray through the storm and now I need them to believe that I will put what they have taught me to good use. 
I am not the same woman I was last year. 
I'm stronger. I'm more Loving. And I'm Unstoppable as long as God is on my side. 

No matter what I go through I NEVER stop thanking God for all the wonderful people who love me in life and for all the loving experiences have been blessed enough to experience. 

The Warrior's Spirit: ***Love is Art***

***Love Is Art***

Many of the changes that occurred, I was not prepared for. This whole "go with the flow" thing never really worked for me until now. I like adventure, but I like organized adventure. But LIFE didn't care what I liked. I got thrown in the water and either had to swim or sink.

The Few Out of The Many

I feel in a very poetic mood. I should be sleeping, but my mind is far from tired.
I feel like I have a million things to do, but only an hour to do them all in.

I am thankful for all of those who did not give up on me. For those who spoon-fed truth to me because (at the time) it was too much for me to digest. I am even thankful for those who continued to love me even from long distance. They were kind, patient, filled with joy and even more than that continued to love me when I did not have the strength nor courage to love myself.

When you meet someone who is willing to look you in the eyes and tell you the truth because they want you to have a peace within yourself, you should at least consider what they have to say.
When you meet someone who is willing to stand and fight beside you through your good, bad and ugly changes that is a relationship worth fighting to keep. You don't meet a lot of people who will readily sacrifice their time, heart and body to helping you, "get out of the hole."

In some cases you will meet people who, can only be there for a short term. Sometimes, they really do want to stay in your life and continue to encourage you and watch you grow in grace. But, maybe they were not built for that kind of pressure.

There are two things that I had to learn: 

1. Not everything is made for everyone
2. Not everyone will get the lesson as quickly as others will

So, now there is a new challenge. Not only must I be patient with myself, but now I am forced to be patient with other people. I can not expect everyone to be "baby Einsteins" but I also can not expect them to be no more intelligent than a rock. I had to take off my expectations and wait for them to show me who they are, their strengths, their weaknesses and their joys.

Patterns Of Things Undone

When you know that your life is not your own, you tend to think in a variety of perspectives that society will not understand. I rarely speak in public because I know that most people have a basis opinion about most things in life to begin with. Why waste my breath on those that will not listen? I know what it is like to be on both ends. I simple just don't like wasting my time.


I see a pattern of "things undone" in the lives of other people. I partly, feel that people have things in their lives that are undone because they are waiting for me to help them get organized. Yep, *sigh* I help people get their lives in order. I notice detailed patterns (of bad habits) , (etc) and I call them out with the intention of making them aware (or reminding them if they were not already aware) that they can not have a peaceful and or better life with their life out of order and unorganized.

It seems like I never meet people when they are prosperous and doing well in life. I always meet them right after something life altering has happen to them. Why couldn't I have met them when they were doing well in life, had everything organized and up and running in order? Why couldn't I have met them when they were are their best, loving life and getting things done? Why do I have to be the protector, adviser, navigator and motivator? It is a lot of stress on one person, especially if that person doesn't have a habit of being involved in the lives of others on a daily basis.

Please, don't get me wrong I enjoy "speaking life into others" but dang! All I'm around are people who are sick, broke, unorganized, depressed (etc) and it makes me think, were these wonderful people always like that? And if they were not, then why did I have to meet them now? Why could I have not met them back then? When they were living life, having fun...when they felt that the world was in their hands?

People think I'm joking when I tell them, I feel as if I have a duty. A duty that I can not run from or shake or even take a vacation from. The longer I wait or put it off, the more people who will need my attention. What for? I have no clue, because I'm just a lady that loves God and has a passion to help others. And that is all. I can not make money come out of my ears, or heal a sick body with a hug. No. I am not Jesus. But, I do have the love of God in me. And maybe that is what others are attracted too...

I am a firm believer that God can organize a life. Yet, sometimes I feel that he does not always snap his fingers and set thing in order because he is testing us. How much can we take before we break? And what do we need or what words need to be said in order to bring us back to life again?

Welcome Home Love: Favorite Hobbies (1)

I am a writer. The majority of the time, I prefer writing instead of verbal communication. Why? Because most times when I speak people don't listen, so why waste my breath? If I write them a letter at least, I can get all my thoughts out of my head and from there the rest is up to them. If they read it, then cool. If not then, that's perfectly OKAY too. 

As long as it is out of my head, then I will sleep at night just fine. 

Sunday January 10th 2015: Awaiting Activation

I should have written this, the same day but oh well who cares!!!
Sunday January 10th 2015, I was suppose to help sing at a church service. GOD knows I love to sing. If I couldn't sing I would die. No lie. Prior to that event there was one similar to it and I was on time, but everyone else was running late. So, I thought this time would be the same (should never assume lol) but nope, EVERYONE else was on time and I was running late. So I missed my opportunity to sing.

That service was normal. I didn't leave it feeling changed or renewed, but little did I know that later on that day I would encounter another service that would not only offer another perspective, but also bring confirmation.

For, awhile I have felt like I have been sitting, like "waiting in a waiting room." And what the guest speaker at Reaping The Harvest Christian Church spoke to my spirit...
This is a summary, not verbatim:

Being hungry to praise, love and be used by God to speak to his people is like a solider waiting to be deployed. He or She won't know the time or day of deployment, they just have to be ready to go when it is time to go.

The scripture was Acts Chapter 1:8 and the title of the sermon was:

Awaiting Activation

I didn't expect to attend a second service that Sunday. I was going to go home and take a nap, to be honest. But I was glad I went because for the longest time I have been "sitting around" "waiting" for some kind of change, sign, command etc so that I can finally start walking in the GREATNESS that is my life. So, I can finally start changing lives with prayer, a hug or a song. I was born to save lives, even if all I can do is one of those three things I mentioned above.

I felt like that service was confirmation for to get started on all the project ideas I have, also to possibly start the prayer line that I know would help a lot of people.
We will see...

Who Were You Back Then?

I admit that I thought by now, I would be living a glamorous, rich and famous life. Traveling all over the world modeling, acting and singing. Meeting celebrities and getting invited to all the latest, hottest most exclusive events!