Kings Don't Share Castles

When you are in college it makes sense to share an apartment with someone because you two are on the same page and trying to get your life in order. I can even understand being in master's school and sharing an apartment too. 

But, after you get out in the real world any real man who claims to be "grown" should pay all his own bills and be the king of his own castle. If they don't they are not a real man. They are not a king.

The Few Out of The Many

I feel in a very poetic mood. I should be sleeping, but my mind is far from tired.
I feel like I have a million things to do, but only an hour to do them all in.

I am thankful for all of those who did not give up on me. For those who spoon-fed truth to me because (at the time) it was too much for me to digest. I am even thankful for those who continued to love me even from long distance. They were kind, patient, filled with joy and even more than that continued to love me when I did not have the strength nor courage to love myself.

When you meet someone who is willing to look you in the eyes and tell you the truth because they want you to have a peace within yourself, you should at least consider what they have to say.
When you meet someone who is willing to stand and fight beside you through your good, bad and ugly changes that is a relationship worth fighting to keep. You don't meet a lot of people who will readily sacrifice their time, heart and body to helping you, "get out of the hole."

In some cases you will meet people who, can only be there for a short term. Sometimes, they really do want to stay in your life and continue to encourage you and watch you grow in grace. But, maybe they were not built for that kind of pressure.

There are two things that I had to learn: 

1. Not everything is made for everyone
2. Not everyone will get the lesson as quickly as others will

So, now there is a new challenge. Not only must I be patient with myself, but now I am forced to be patient with other people. I can not expect everyone to be "baby Einsteins" but I also can not expect them to be no more intelligent than a rock. I had to take off my expectations and wait for them to show me who they are, their strengths, their weaknesses and their joys.

Do You Really Want To Be In A Relationship? (part 1)

So, far in my experiences I'm learning that the majority of people don't like to "address the issues" and or "talk about it." I use to be a person that just swept reality under the rug and expected it to just disappear or get better on its' own.

But, oh! how naive!

Maturity In Blogging

I'm at a point in my life, where "good enough" isn't enough. I want the best. I want better than the best. Sometimes I feel like North Carolina is holding me back from an entire world of mini adventures. I tried to break free from NC months ago, only to find myself in a worse prison than the one I had.

I live by what is realistic, yet nothing that has happen recently seems to make much sense. I will say that I’m brutally honest when it comes to staying true to a the nature of a situation, so I blog about the men that I like or have dated, depending on how they affected me.

If they were jerks, I talk about all their bad points. Some would think that's not right, "you shouldn’t talk about other people..." yet, the very people who say that, turn around and talk about someone else. So, if we are going to make a rule, let's all be included in it, shall we?

I was going to blog about the series of dates that this young man and I went on, but I decided that I was going to do things differently with this relationship. In the past I blogged about their good qualities, they read it and that overwhelmed them. Made them feel pressured; instead of appreciated, they spit in my face.

I spoke of their less pleasing traits and or circumstances surrounding me and instead of them saying something about it, other people had to write to me, to defend them on their behalf. Cowards. If that is one thing I can not stand, its a man who can't fight his own battles.

This young man certainly has come a long way, since we first hung out. He has always been very respectful. He opens all my doors. He treats me just like a princess. I love it. When we are together it is like a new adventure. There never seems to be enough time for us to spend together.

But, there is another side to Pretty:

Pretty, doesn't want to be trapped.

Pretty doesn't want to be some trophy on a mans' shelf collecting dust, because he got tired of keeping the mantel clean.

Pretty doesn't want to be the "clean up" woman having to pay for the aftermath of another womans' mistakes. 

Glory Be To God: Give Love To Get Love

I thank God for keeping me safe and for providing for me. Glory be to God for his mercies and grace over my life. I thank God for sending his only son to die on the cross for my sins. Without the obedience of his son and the sacrifice of God, I would not be able to have a connection with Abba Father.
                             
SO, here we are going to recap some of the most handsome and beautiful faces. God sent them to love me and to keep a smile on my face while on this journey. And I thank God for each and every one of them! And so, I dedicate this blog to their memory and to always loving them!

Hope you enjoy! I love you!
 

The Empty Seat: Love, Faith, Truth

 

 

When you miss someone, you just miss them. There isn't anything you can do about this missing that person if they are ready to receive the love that God has placed inside of you to share, nor the changes that he has made in you.

The more you try to contact them. The more you push them away.

The more you try to understand why they aren't on one accord with the rest of the "team" the more hurt and confused you become.

So. I stopped trying to figure out the "why?" And I started putting my trust in God. Only. There is nothing on this earth that would bring me more joy, than 1. to have Jesus Christ return and 2. To have them back in my life, ready to walk in the truth of God and praise God, better than we did before.

But each walk with Christ is different. I feel as though God has advanced me to "level 5" and now, being here in this "spiritual bootcamp" I have to go back to level one and build the foundation with the word of God.

When I attend the G. Craig Lewis service Friday Decemeber 20th, 2013, I sat next to my "VA spiritual family" but to the left of me was an empty seat. Then there was an older black couple on the other side of that seat. In front of me were two of my favorite people. A couple. Both with smiles that can light up any room and hearts bigger than to sun full of the love of God. Then to the right of me was another couple. If ever I were to be adopted, I think they would adopt me because they are real like myself but they laugh and know how to have a good time as well. All the couples were so filled with joy from the holy spirit.
                                    
I prayed that God would show me that my prayers were being answered, but I was not prepared for the feeling of loneliness that came over me during that event.

I kept looking at that empty seat beside me thinking: "If only they were here. I know they would have a good time. I'm surrounded by all this love, the presence of the holy spirit is here, we have access to truth that we wouldnt' get anywhere else. Where are they? Why are they not apart of all the love and truth that God has given me the opportunity to be apart of. They have the same opportunity too..."

I never found any answers to all the questions I had that night, except for one about leading a ministry. What I found is that technically I can't or it is unwise to lead a ministry without a strong man of God in my life, be it my husband or dad to "protect me." After I found that out I was a little bit bummed out. So I have no choice but to need a man in my life, if I really want to be the leader in something. *sigh* Guess, I better ask God to clean me up so he can send my husband, soon. There are lives to be saved. And people out in the world who need to hear about the goodness and mercies of God, and the teachings of Jesus Christ to restore hope to their lives.

"Get my house in order" that's what Papa Teel says. But, I can't do much without my other half, whoever that is suppose to be.

The Weekend Before My Birthday: Airplane & NFL

Friday, December 13th 2013

I took my first plane ride to Charlotte, NC for my first NFL football game. The plan ride reminded me just of a roller coaster, at first.

I got to stay in a fancy hotel, called the Omni. I got to be in the city. I got to take a break from my life on the "battlefield" and just focus on enjoying myself.

Saturday December 14th 2013:

I went out to eat. I went to karaoke. I got to dance a little bit.

I met some really cool people. I had a nice time.

Sunday December 15th 2013:

I attended my first NFL football game. The panthers VS. The NY jets.

It was very exciting to see all the carolina fans get so hyped for their team. The staduim was pretty full. I was, of course freezing my toes off, but I told myself not to complain.

Overall Summary:

This entire journey has been the spiritual journey of firsts.

The first time I have been out on my own, completely on my own like no family can come and just pick me up and take me home.

The first time, I'm working, and living in an area that I was not familiar with.

The first time I road a plane.

The first time I attend an NFL game.

The first time I started my own business (two to be exact).

God is certainly working in my life. I'm excited about the new doors that he is opening, has opened. I'm sad that the person who brought me here doesn't want to be apart of the blessings, nor the love.

Today is my birthday. I received a lot of love from just about everyone, even people who I did not think would care that much. But, I was waiting and hoping for that one person to at least text or something. I didn't receive any happy birthday from them at all...

I wanted to cry. I wanted to see them and be like "hey, where ya been?" And in my head I thought they would be singing happy birthday with the rest of the bible study group. But they were not there. It feels very empty without them in my life.

I know that my life does not revolve around them or any man for that matter (except for Jesus Christ). But, the truth is I'm tried of missing them. I'm tired of wishing that things were different. I just want us to be on one accord already, walking in the love, peace and truth of God together. This time giving God all the glory. So that we can move on, in love and flow with the rest of the river. They are the only ones that are disconnected from me. *sigh* It hurts. It was my birthday for, crying outloud. They couldn't put their difference aside for one moment, just to text happy birthday?

But, God is good. Even though a piece of my heart broke on my birthday. God still sent people to give share his love with me. And at this point I don't have time to cry or worry about why they aren't speaking to me. I have a minstry to build. I also have people that need the gifts that God has placed in me. I will pray for them, as I have done ever since I met them. And let God handle the things that I do not understand. So I can do the work that God has called me to do.

 

Revelation: (Mirror Conversations) THE WOMAN GOD NEEDS FOR HIS PEOPLE TO SEE

I do not write for form nor fashion, nor so that people will like me. I write because I want to show the process of what a walk with Christ can look like. There will be no walk with Christ exactly the same, because we each go through different lessons in life. We each grow differently. But the end is the same, for us to be used for the glory of God.

One of the things that I had to overcome is forgiveness. I thought that if I apologized to them that everything would just be perfect like it was before. But the real test wasn't in apologizing to them, it was in forgiving myself.

I was so hurt by the situation and even more angry at myself for not knowing how to help them. I felt it was my duty to comfort, protect and love them through any and all changes that they went through but instead of doing that I fell prey to my flesh and became selfish and arrogant. They needed a friend, and I covered the love of God in me with pride, selfishness and anger, so that they could not reach his (God) love in me.

I was upset with myself because I couldn't "save" them I didn't know the right words to help them out of their situation. I didn't have enough money to make "it all better." I felt useless. All I could do was sit back and watch them fall into more confusion. I tried to pray, but I wasn't in the right spirit all the time. I was too busy worrying about myself instead of trusting in God to take care of me and attending to what their needs were with the word of GOD.

We have to remember that it is not about us. It is about other people. Every blessing, every gift that God has given us is used to be a blessing to someone elses' life and for the glory of God.

God, blessed me with a heart of empathy, a heart of compassion. A heart to love his people. To comfort and protect and instead of using that gift for good I allowed my flesh to take over and shut it down.

So God had to move me away, not only so he could have their full attention, but also so I could learn how to love his people again.

The process is never easy. There will be tears. There will be times where you may be uncomfortable but trust in God. I can write that now because I'm walking in it. And little by little God reveals to me the things about myself that are holding me back from walking in the fullness of his Greatness.

I can not go back and redo what has been done, but I can move forward with the new revelations that God has given me and apply them to my life currently.

I pray for them daily. I love them with all my heart. I ask God to protect them and heal them. I asked that God go in and fix the mess that I made. Each time we don't act in love, we leave a negative imprint on someone's heart. I pray that God removes that negative imprint that I made on their heart and he restores them to full joy in him and to full confidence and trust in him (God) as well.

I never want to see any of my brothers nor sisters hurt because of something that I allowed my flesh to say or do. That is not how Christ was and if I claim to love God I also must commit to learning how Jesus Christ walked in the love of God, in the peace of God and in the truth of God.

I pray and ask God to fill me with more of his loving spirit. To cut off all things that are unholy, unrighteous, and or unclean in me. I do this because I want to love his people better. So that I never enter into another situation where someone needs my help and I am not able to help them because I'm too weak to fight against my flesh. Before I didn't know much scripture, let me tell you the word of GOD is a must when you are on the spiritual battlefield. That is one of your most powerful weapons. Without it you are "crippled"! Must read it and meditate on it daily.

It is food for your spirit.

 

 

Vengence Is Mine, saith the Lord

I'm still in shock at the events that have taken place so far.

I can't believe that I'm stuck in Woodbridge, Virginia. But, beyond that I still can't believe that he broke up with me at one of the most critical points in my life. Even now, he knows that I am away from my family and my loved ones and yet, he still hasn't reached out to say anything.

I'm not even upset or angry anymore about the whole thing. I'm just in disbelief. Like, how could you treat a person like that? No matter how horrible acting someone was to me, I still wouldn't boot them to the curb knowing that they didn't have any family around to support them.

How could he just give up on me when I needed his support the most? He wouldn't want someone to do that to him. No one should be treated that way.

I can't believe that I'm stuck out here with no family, in the middle of nowhere. I don't have a car to get anywhere with, I'm running out of food and I still have yet to receive my winter clothes. Job opportunities are flooding my inbox but because they are all in Arlington, Maryland, DC etc I can't get to them. I'm running out of money on my metro-card and my entire life is falling apart...

And the person who brought here and promised to stand by my side through all of this, well... he doesn't care that I'm sad, hurting, lonely, missing my family. wow... I can't believe this! And the worst part is NO ONE IS SAYING ANYTHING TO DEFEND ME! They smile in my face on a regular basis, they say how much they love JESUS and GOD, SO if they are so filled with the love of Jesus then why doesn't someone say something to him. They know this situation is MESSED UP! They wouldn't want to be in anything like this! But of course, people don't start caring until it happens to them. I like to see the good in everyone, but even Christians can be selfish.

Wow, I can't wait until I get out of this situation.

That's all I'm praying for. Because I WILL NEVER TRUST ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. Yes, I thank God for his life and for using him to ignite passion in my spirit and soul to get into the word. Yes, I thank God that he used him to get me on the right track to living a righteous life, to being move loving, praying more, leaning on God more. He was the one that brought me to his church in the first place. Told me that I would go to church every single Sunday and while we were together that is exactly what we did.

But, I'm disappointed at how we both allowed our flesh, other people and the devil separate what God put together. We were suppose to praise him while we were together! Thanking God for one another and for every opportunity to excel in life. And we got distracted from the purpose.

It is cruel to live in the same town, go to the same bible study, the same church, know the same people and not have him speak to me. Not a "hi!" Not a "hey! are you okay?" Nothing. Who treats people like that? How does a person claim to love God and then they treat someone indifferently? I reflected on how I acted. It was not godly. But, I repented. And even asked God to give me the courage to apologize to his face. I did. And I thought I would receive the same in return but....yeah.

So, all of those who say "make sure you point the finger at yourself" YOU ARE TOO LATE! I already have.

But, I do know one thing. That God doesn't like ugly. I know because in previous years when I mistreated someone that God placed in my life to love me, not long after bad things started to happen. I couldnt' find a job. My car started acting up. All kinds of drama that I could have avoided if I would have just knew how to rebuke my flesh and walk in love!

No, I don't wish for ill-will on anyone. Those are just examples. But, we reap what we sow. I know both ends of that too.

But, not to put all the blame on him it is my fault too. I read the word, but I was not active in walking in it. I got too excited and moved before Gods' timing.

But, I know that even though he abandon me during this transition that GOD is greater than all of this. And, all I have to do is wait on the Lord to deliver me from this. Forgiveness, is easy that's why I can write about this without a lot profanity and hate behind my words.

I was created to write. I don't run, nor hide, now cower from the truth of what I did and how they reacted to what I did. I admit that I messed up, but I sought forgiveness to his face. And he has yet to do that in my direction. I hope he doesn't think that a text message is a good way to apologize to someone. Because that is just as worse, as if he hadn't said it at all.

So, I'm praying, that we will get past all of this. Forgive one another wholeheartedly. Walk in a unified peace and receive the blessings that God has been waiting to give us, since we were separated. Glory be to GOD!

Child-like Heart Return

God is still cleaning me up, but the changes he has made in me since I have been here so far, are incredible. In order for those changes to be made, he had to strip me of everything that made me glorify my ego and not him (God).

The man I love
(I spent too much time wrapped up in his world and not enough time wrapped up into the word of God. I wanted so much to use my life to protect his life only but God was telling me that I was created to protect, inspire, encourage many lives. When things did not move along fast enough for me I became impatient and my flesh started to control my soul and spirit. Then I loss sight of the purpose. To comfort, love and protect the love of God in him. I failed my task and perhaps me being stuck here is part of that punishment for failing or maybe it is like the "waiting room" in a hospitial. Either way despite all that has happen I still pray for him to have full confidence and trust in God the way he did when I first met him. He doesn't know it and maybe he never will but his passion for God stirred in me a passion to seek God too. And other than him sharing the love of God in him with me, protecting the love of God in me, his passion for God was a gift that helped me find God so that my child-like heart could return)


My modeling opportunities

Opportunities for jobs in high places

He wants me to be humble, to go back to who I use to be. I guess, apparently being "too giving" "too loving" "too kind" was what pleased God, but when I started to see the selfish behind man I became bitter and that's when a spirit of rebellion came over me and I started to fight for all the wrong reasons.

I wasn't fighting to defend the love of God, I was fighting to tear men down. To step all over their hearts the way they did mine. I wanted to revenge. I was angry. But the truth is, that in being that way I ended up hurting myself a lot more. Because I knew better (many of them did too...) and I cared more about love than anything else. It wasn't in my character to be that way and it broke the heart of my child like spirit.

I told myself that I was protecting my heart, which I forced myself to believe. But my intelligence isn't strong enough to protect my child like heart only God can.

I know this entire journey is about God. The faster I figure out what God wants me to do here then the quicker I can go home. I don't like being stuck in a new place where I'm dependent on the kindness of strangers to get me to where I need to go or help me out. But, that's where God has me. The more I complain about it, the worse it gets. So. I stopped complaining.

I also noticed that God placed me around Christian women, many of them are in relationships. And boy! does it suck to be single when I'm around married and relationship folk! Like dang! wish things would have worked out for me! But, to God be the glory! I know that better is on the way. Who is has for me will match me like a glove to a hand and more than that I won't have to ask him to teach him about spiritual warfare or ask him to grow a backbone, or to stand up and be a man. He will be and do these things automatically because he knows who he is through Christ and who he belongs to: God.

 

 

Spirit Boxing: The "Flesh Check"

I still don't know why God has me in Woodbridge, Viriginia. I'm still baffled that out of all the places that he could have placed me, he decided to open the door for me to stay here. I'm not really sure what I'm suppose to do here to be honest and the less I know the more frustrated I become. I'm tired. I want to pack up my bags and throw in my towel and say "Forget it all!" I want to go back to what is comfortable...

But each time I'm about to throw it all away, the Lord sends someone to give me a "flesh check." I admit that I need it, but I don't always like it. Yet, how am I going to be the queen that God has called me to be if I am not listening to him when he speaks through his children?

Obedience, once again, is a must. And since I know this I will be held accountable if I do not obey.

I wanted a normal life. I thought would graduate high school. Go to college. Meet a successful man on wall street, get married, have babies and that would be my life. Oh! What a perfect great life...

                        
But, I should have known that nothing in my life would ever be easy or a walk in the park when my mother passed away. That was my ticket into this: amusement park in the first place. And now I can't get out. Even if I wanted to go back out in the world, I couldn't because I know too much. I can't run. I can't hide. *sigh* It is all very frustrating...

I don't know why God picked me. I didn't sign up for any of this. But here I am and I am forcing myself to try and make the best of it. There have been so many times when the "unthinkable" crossed my mind... *sigh*

I feel like I'm trapped. Like I'm in a prison. Stuck in a cycle of neverending "can you give me a rides" and "I'll pay you back when I can..." I know that God will bless those who have helped me, been kind, given me advice, gave me a hug and or have been extremely patient with me during this process.

Yeah... that's what this is a process. A grooming process. Where God is cutting out all the things that are not holy, righteous and clean in his sight. It hurts! Its' uncomfortable! It makes me feel angry, tired, frustrated, annoyed! But, in my right thinking and spirit I know that it is good for me. I know that God loves me. I know that in the end it will be not only for my own good but also for the good of those that he has me helping to lead, with my husband one day.

I'm sad that none of the guys that I have dated thus far have been strong enough to stand beside me during this time. I could really use a friend right now. But, maybe God is cleaning them up too, and when the time is right, in the spirit God will send them back into my life. Two hurt people can't help nor encourage one another nor encourage anyone else for that matter. Hurt begets hurt.

It would be so much easier to run to another state and start all over. Dye my hair. Change my name. Put on an accent or even move out of the country (which I'm really considering actually because this is just ridiculous... lol). I want to go to a place where I can express myself in all and every way that is self respecting, through art, fashion, and singing. I see makeup and clothes as art. I see myself differently than most of the people around here. They just look a shirt and think, "Oh, its just a shirt." I look at a shirt and think it is a color from Gods' paint brush.

I know who am and whose I belong to. And when you know that and you walk in it and others don't it often brings up jealousy and miscommunication. "OH, she thinks she's better than everyone else..." No, I just know about me and if you seek God for yourself instead of worring about me then you will know who you are and whose you belong too.

But...

I have been on the spiritual battlefield for awhile now. And I admit that I'm not always as strong as I would like to think I am. There are days when I just want to crawl in a cave and tune everyone and everything out. Where I want to let go of all this passion and love for life. If my spirit ever gets that low, then I'm in trouble because that's when the spirit of suicide creeps. I know it, because I actually had that spirit on me a couple of times. It was like someone blew out the light in my soul. I was walking around like a zombie. I could feel the shift in my spirit. From loving people and wanting to be a better woman each day. To not caring about anything or anyone at all...

It is called emptiness and if you ever get that low in your life when you feel that way, you should find someone who is strong in their spirit and walk with Christ to pray with you. Its not a joke. Suicide is not a joke! It happens every single day. That's why we have to be mindful of our brothers and sisters through Christ. What they are going through. Yeah, I know. Sometimes when we get into arguments in that moment the only thing we want to do is "be right" and "win the fight" so we say whatever it is to make the other person bend to our will, but at the price of what? What really did we gain by making them bend to our will? No it is not worth it... Nope, it is just not worth it.



 

 

But, I Might Miss "The Swirl" (Reflection: Dating White Men)

In reflection: most of the men I have dated were white. And now that I think about it maybe I should stop dating white men all together. It is something that I have to pray about.

What I'm finding is that they are too weak to handle me. They always come to me puffing out their chests like "Tarzan" and then as soon as I say ONE THING THAT IS HONEST and it doesn't boost their ego. Then there goes a tantrum!!!!!!
                                  
OH! You hurt my feelings!

Oh! I don't feel like a man, because you told me that my tie was crooked or that my shoes didn't match!

Oh! my life is over because you don't think I'm perfect!

White men just don't seem to have enough backbone for me. How come every time something doesn't go your way, you throw a tantrum? How come every time we need to talk about something you sink back into yourself like a coward?
 

"well I don't know how to handle stress well..."
You are a man for crying out loud!
"I don't like confrontation...."

 

No one does, sugarfoot but its apart of life! Better get your boxing gloves on and learn how to fight back! You won't always be able to run to mommy and daddy for everything. Better start practicing how to stand on your own feet NOW!

I thought, it was just me being "too aggressive" "too honest" but there isn't anything wrong with me in that department. I always here them say "its too much pressure" and "too much responsibility" and then I think to myself oh, if I were a little submissive, "yes, sir. No, sir" white girl you wouldn't have any trouble taking on the pressure and responsibility.

I wish they would just admit they are too weak and not waste my time. But that's the problem, a lot of white men like the thought of being with a brown a beauty but they aren't strong enough to handle the reality of being with one. And sure, I hear a lot of white guys say, "oh! I date out of my race all the time..." OH YEAH??? and then I take a look at a picture of one of their exs and they look about as WHITE as piece of paper, but she is "mixed." Mixed with what? WHITE and WHITER! Get real! Homie dude! Don't try to play me!

I'm not dating right now though, let me make that perfectly clear because I don't want to be bothered with men in general. They are a waste of precious oxygen and they cause problems because they can't be honest with God nor with themselves so what on earth makes me think any of them can ever be honest with me?? *ugh*

But when I do start dating again, I think I'll leave the white guys alone and get with a little a bit of flavor in my ice cream ;)

GOD Have all of me: "Nothing without you"

God is cleaning me up so fast. It is overwhelming. Two months ago I had one foot in the door and one foot out and now I have both of my feet planted and rooted in the word of God. I get stronger every day.

I'm asking God to renew in me a clean heart and the right spirit daily. I'm asking him to help me adjust to this entire situation. 

I have never been faced with anything like this before and so, for me to have to deal with this away from home where all my original and strongest support is, is difficult. 

I didn't come to VA prepared for any of this. I thought, that I was going to get a job, work for a couple of months, save up money and then go back home, with him still in my life and still loving me.... 

Its not fair. 

Its wrong. 

Its cruel. 

Its hateful. 

Its horrible, that anyone would put someone that they love and care about through this. He didn't have to cut me off and disappear out of my life without even a goodbye or a see you later. Nothing. He just vanished... 

I don't talk about it with anyone because people won't understand they will just say "get over it..." the way they say about my mother being deceased.

I want to hate him, but I can't... because as soon as I start to get angry at him the holy spirit comes and convicts me and reminds of the love of GOD in me. But no matter how many times I ask GOD why did that have to happen right at that time... or why did he do that? I never get an answer....

But, what I can't understand is why did he break up with me when he knew that I needed him the most? Why did he choose to break up with me during one of the most critical points in my life? 

Who does that? Who stares you in the eyes and promises to stand by your side and then because they don't understand a situation or they see that God is cleaning you up, just get jealous or mad out of nowhere and abandon you? 

You don't treat people like that... 

I would never do that to him. I could have left several times while he was going through the fire but I decided to stick by his side because I know that is what I would have wanted him to do for me. But so much for caring and loving someone. So much for trying to be a "good friend." I did my part, but he stabbed me in the back.

Then turned around and took pictures smiling and laughing like it was all good and gravy. Do you not care that I need your friendship? Do you not care that you PROMISED to be my friend and support me? 

Even in my pain I still don't wish ill will on his life, but I do pray that God reflects this entire situation back into his face, spirit, and heart so he can see what he feels like to be/feel abandoned...

He knew that I didn't know anyone. He knew that I didn't have my foot good in the door yet, but because he saw God moving more quickly in my life than in his he got jealous. DUDE! I looked up to you! You inspired me to seek God even more than before. When I had one foot in the door and one foot in the church you wanted to be with me. But now that I am all on fire for GOD you don't even want to be my friend? 

Wow. What happen to the man that told me that I had to go to church every Sunday? What happen to the man that told me that "I am the head and not the tail." That prayed with me with almost every single night. That helped me stop drinking and cursing so much and "fed" me scriptures. Where is that man at? That man who put and kept GOD first?

I don't want to be friends with a fake, wannabe gangsta, thug, rapper whatever! That's not you. You are wise, humble, funny, kind, intelligent and strong. You treat people with respect and you care about other people. You want to help everyone and you get mad at yourself when you can't... God has called you to be so much more. 
But, you run from your calling because you don't want the "responsibility" and you don't feel like dealing with the "pressure!" DUDE! You are a man! God built you to endure it! Your souls' salvation is on the line and the more you sit on your praise for God and turn your back against him and act indifferent like you don't care...all of those things you will be held accountable for on the day of judgement. 

If your shoe was on my foot, I would be held accountable too! We all ARE going to be regardless! That's why I'm making such a big deal about us finally forgiving one another and moving on. We don't have time for this silent treatment game. Jesus Christ can come back at any time. WE need to make sure we have our souls' right with the, Lord before that time arrives.  

I know that you can go back to being the man who stared me in the eyes and asked me "DO YOU TRUST ME?" That's the friend I want in my life... The friend who kept God first and never let me forget it.  

If I didn't care I wouldn't be making such a fuss. I don't just drop kick people to the curb when I tell them I love them. That's cruel. You prayed that God would make me sweet, kind and meek and now that he has finally cleaned me up you don't want anything to do with me? how much sense does that make? 

You prayed that GOD would remove me from "your space" and then GOD opened the door for me to live in a nice big house and you got jealous and mad at me? DUDE! How much sense does that make? NONE! NONE! NONE!

Are you trying to tell me that all of that was a front to get me? Does your silence and absence in my life say that you lied about loving GOD? That you were faking the whole time????????????

Even if we weren't suppose together or are not suppose to be together right now or whatever, still keep in touch as my friend. You can be friends and talk to everyone else but you can't seem to find two minutes out of your day to text me or call me just to say hi?

How do you go from, I love you almost every single day to nothing at all. To no text. No calls. Nothing. 

But even though you did me dirty, I still pray for you. I still pray that God opens all the doors that he wants you to walk through. I pray that you are safe. Not being able to protect you, kills me, but I know that God can protect you far better than I ever could...

I don't hate you, I never could... I just wish I could apologize to your face and let you know how much I love you. Not with eyes of the flesh and not in a romantic way, but with the love of Jesus Christ that has grown so much in me since I first got here. 

I pray every day that you come back into my life and that we can forgive one another and be friends again. Friends that encourage one another in their walks with Christ. Come back, man of God. You are missed.

All Consuming Holy Ghost Power

Who God is molding me into, even I can not understand. I need more of the word of God so that I can balance this passion and anointing.
                  
There are some days when the anointing is so strong that it chokes me in the physical. I feel like I'm going crazy, seeing things that I'm not suppose to see to the "normal" world. Details. God has opened my eyes to notice details about people that no one else would ever notice and it scares me. Once I tap into that gift I can not get out of it and once I start seeing the details of how people really are it annoys me, because I can also see how they act to the world. It is almost like looking through the window into someone's heart.

I thank God that souls4real started their fall bible study because I need more of the word of God to balance me out. Recently I have been too much into to the "spirit" and not enough into the word and its causing me to be more aggressive than even I can handle. Yes, I was built for the strong but the power of the holy spirit is extremely powerful and if you are not ready to receive it, it could drive you crazy.

When I started this walk with Christ, I started on level 10 being most powerful. I was never aware of spirits before. I knew about angels and demons but I never really believed. Until I met prophetess who told me things about myself that no one else could ever know. Stuff that I don't write about. After I met her I continued to meet apostles, prophets, ministers, evangelists etc and my world was never the same.

I went from hanging out with pot heads and drinkers and party animals to hanging out with some of Gods most elite and skillful warriors. Aggressively Powerful. So naturally I was the weak link. I was always quiet. I never spoke up. I never said much fo anything.

But, the second I stepped into Virginia I knew that my world was going to change. I always knew that I was spiritually sensitive, but being here took that spiritual sensitivity like 5 notches up and if i don't learn how to control the energy flow it will drive me insane.  

 



Letter to my Future Husband: Are you Battlefield Ready?

Dear Husband:



We have a great work to do for the kingdom God. I need  to be more than prepared to spirit box in the ring called "life" with me. We will have plenty of time for romance and dancing and kisses on the nose and giggles, but right now many people need to be guided to Gods love before the final hour has arrived.

Let me know help understand some things about me, so you don't get confused:

1. I'm very serious about my walk with Christ ( I was not always this serious, this is the product of one year only... imagine how strong God will make me in years to come...)

2. I love Gods people.

3. It is my duty to comfort, love, protect, heal and guide as many people as I can while I am on this earth. I can not detour from my task.

4. Intelligence is nothing without the word of God to balance it.

5. I pray every day, all the time, 24/7. In the shower, in the car, walking to the store. If that annoys you, then you probably should stop reading this.

6. The goal is to walk in the peace, truth and unconditional love of God daily, so I am constantly aware of how I feel in any situation. Yet, necessarily so how others feel about me.

7. I dress up for GOD. When I go to store, when I go to work, When I go to church. I am dressed up. When people see me, I want them to know who I represent and since I am a Christian. A gladiator for Christ I want people to know that God is the only one, who has given me this beauty.

8. Respectful Honesty: Is always the goal. If at any time I ask you, a question and you tell me that "its okay" or "its fine" or "You don't care" then I will not ask you to tell me again. I will take you at your word. We don't have time to play mind games, when the final hour is so close at hand. If you have something to SAY, if there is something bothering you, if I do something that annoys you or that you don't understand YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH RIGHT THEN AND SAY SOMETHING. But in a respectful, and loving way.

9. I love to sing, so if you are jealous/envious/ of my gift to sing or any gift that God blesses me with then don't even bother contacting me immediately. Rebuke that spirit of jealousy, get prayed over and then get back to me.

10. IF YOU BREAK MY HEART THE WRATH OF GOD WILL BE ON YOUR LIFE. THAT IS A PROMISE. I do not share my heart with just anyone. SO, If I trust you, that means that I trust that you are protecting GODS LOVE IN ME.

11. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. I need you to be organized, because the enemy won't have any traps to set or any trash to hide behind in your life, if you clean it up and take it out, feel me?

12. You need to have some kind of degree, bachelors, masters, ph.d. and your parents need not have just handed it to you. You need to have worked for it yourself.

13. Life experience. I know about loss at a young age. I grew up with no parents. So I had to grow up quickly. I am very mature for my age, some like to call me "an old soul, trapped in a supermodel body" If we are going to be together, we need to be able to relate on life experience.

14. MOST IMPORTANTLY GOD IS FIRST IN MY LIFE, all day, everyday. And so is my passion for praising and worshiping God. If that annoys you, click on the next blog, because you aren't strong enough to be my husband.

When God Sends My Husband: King meet Queen

I'm happy to have my own spot, where I can think and read the word of God. But it is lonely here. The only person that I trusted and thought had my back, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't have very many friends here. I still need to get a car to drive, so I'm praying that God will bless me with one asap.

He said he wanted to be friends, but friends talk to each other, share their stories about their day and their dreams and plans etc. When I tried to make conversation he would go back to having a bad attitude. So eventually I stopped trying all together...

In generally I'm a pretty upbeat person. The only time when I'm stressed is when someone rejects the love that I give or when someone is not being honest with me or when someone lies and then tries to turn it around like it was my fault for accepting their help in the first place. I gave him plenty of chances to "run away" (that's what I know that most men who say they can handle me do best...) but he still stayed. He stuck it out and for once I thought, that maybe I had met my match. But when the storm came and the boat rocked violently that's when I saw his true colors and he saw my passion for God come forth...

Pray and Praise God through the Fire: (Going Away Present) *Strongest of the Strong Testimony*

I was tired of the tears, the sleepless nights and not wanting to eat. I lost so much weight due the stress of the entire situation that I was in. But, To God be the glory! For being a faithful and loving God. 

 My flesh said "That's messed up that he would break up with me when I'm in such a critical transition, when I needed him the most spiritual and emotionally. After saying I love and care about you, you are just going to run away when things get tough are you SERIOUS????????????????????????????????????"

Huge, Gigantic, Dreams: The disconnect (Pray and Praise God through the fire)

I write because most of the time when I try to tell people how I feel they look at me strange, like I'm some kind of newly discovered creature ling, with ten eyes and three heads. I stopped trying to explain myself along time go not only because I was never good at public speaking enough to do it without looking like a fool, but also because most times I wasn't in the right spirit. 

Souls4Real Recap 2 & Christian Summer Camp Conference/ "Revival"

God had to break me down in order to rebuild me back up in his humility, grace, strength and kindness. Friday night I attended a youth conference. Then Saturday night I attended a Christian Summer camp Conference. In both events the anointing was high! The holy spirit was certainly there! There was no doubt about it! 

Friday night, I cried out to God and asked him to heal my heart. There were too many things weighing my heart down. My heart had been broken and somehow through one disconnection (since I don't connect to that many people as it is) I felt my spirit drown in a deep depression. 

If God lays someone on my heart deeply, it is not my choice whether I am in their life or not, because no matter how much I try to pull away or runaway God shows up to remind me of my purpose in their life. To protect, comfort, guide and love. 

I put on a smile as best as I could, but when the speaker asked if there was anyone who needed to come to the alter I was one of the first people up there. I needed Gods healing power to heal my broken heart. To heal me from having the love of God in me rejected. I was confused. I felt defeated. But, as soon as I cried out to God, all the way and really gave him my heart. I felt the sharp pain in my chest fade away. I was healed. In the name of Jesus. 

Even now I can finally walk in Gods love and peace as I have always said I wanted to do. I do not like to waste my time worrying about things that I can not change. When I find myself in situations like that, I have chosen to try a new method and just give it to God because he is the only one that can fix it. It doesn't do any good to post on fb about it or even blog about the situation. I just need to pray and give it to God from now. God wants me to trust him. And that's one way to really start...

I was and am healed in the name of Jesus. I felt so much better after I prayed. I felt like a new woman and the peace of God consumed my entire body. I no longer felt heavy. The sharp pain disappeared and I was able to see my brothers and sisters through the eyes of Christ. My spirit was much more cheerful and I actually connected to the ladies in the group that I was hanging out with. They are awesome. They accepted me, even when I wasn't at my best. 

Saturday:

 I didn't know what to expect when I stepped onto the property. I felt like I was attending a small school. But just as it said it was, it was a Christian Camp and we were there there to praise and worship and learn more about God. OH! The praise and worship was wonderful! We arrived just before lunch because the traffic was kinda bad. I don't know what stirred in me, but the peace of God from Friday night was still with me. 

We sang songs, then we heard the word. Then it was lunch time. After lunch, my friends decided to volunteer to help clean up and I walked around and mediated on the scripture that was given. It was Isaiah Chapter 40.  While I was mediating on the word, I also reflected on my life and all the struggle that seemed to come against me. There were still some questions on my heart that I needed answers too. 

After they finished volunteer, we drove into town and went to McDonalds. Then I got dropped off at the hair store and they (my two friends) went to Roses to look around. During this time I got hit on by a older, short black man with a hole in his mouth where his teeth should be. He invited me into his restaurant after closing so we could talk. He said that I had a beautiful face and that he would "take care of me." Oddly enough, I prayed just before I met this man and asked that I be blessed with enough money to move into my own place. And not longer after I made that prayer that man came along. But I knew that he was not sent from God. 

Just like God can hear our prayers so can the enemy that's when we have to be serious and specific, genuine and earnest when we pray. So, we can cut the enemy off from ever attempting to block our prayer from reaching Heaven. 

I'm not surprised by the way that man acted, drooling over me and lusting after my flesh. A lot of men do that when they see me. They start building this fantasy life of how they wish I could in their head. Then when I tell them that belong to God, somehow that makes them want to try even harder to "capture me." That's another reason why I need to date a man who is strong, confident man of God because I'm constantly having to battle in the spirit realm against vultures and lecherous beasts. And if he is going to be my man, I need to know that he can fight spirits with the word of God and prayer. 

They have to be able to protect the love of God in me and vice versa. God can clean up anyone for his glory. So, when said time arrives. I know that he will come correct, and ready with the word of God by his side. 

Gladiator For Christ: Preparation for Greater

I feel like this whole situation is preparing me for something greater, yet I don't know what it could be. The truth is I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to be held. I wanted to feel as if my heart was protected. I was so tired of dating men who did me wrong, played my heart, stepped all over the love of God in me. That finally in mind I thought "Wow! A Christian man loves God so he will recognize the love of God in me and want to protect Gods love in me and keep me safe!" But.....that's the romantic in me talking. 

Naturally, I'm always the strong one, but this time God is showing me where my weaknesses are. I'm too trusting. I love too deeply too soon. Yes, it hurts. To know that the love you give is not returned in the same way. But God is greater than that hurt. And he can take that hurt and anything else, fix it, change it and turn it around for his glory!

 I have spent hours crying, talking, fussing, thinking about the "hows" and the "whys" and the "maybes" or "what ifs" and what I really need to do is just walk in the grace of God and trust in his reasoning and in his plan. I can feel the dagger, the knife, the sharp pain slice into my heart slowly. Twisting and turning as it plunges deeper into me. It is excruciating! Screaming! TORMENT! But it has to be done...

I can not avoid it. I have to learn how to endure it. So that the next time there is pain like this or even greater I will not die from it. The devil wants to take me out. Kill me. Destroy me. And I can not let that happen. I have to fight it and I have to fight with the word of God and prayer. I can not get lazy and I can not depend on others to help me fight. I must do this on my own...