Encouragement & The Ten Commandments

Why comfort yourselves together, and edify 

one another, even as also you do.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

The Weekend Before My Birthday: Airplane & NFL

Friday, December 13th 2013

I took my first plane ride to Charlotte, NC for my first NFL football game. The plan ride reminded me just of a roller coaster, at first.

I got to stay in a fancy hotel, called the Omni. I got to be in the city. I got to take a break from my life on the "battlefield" and just focus on enjoying myself.

Saturday December 14th 2013:

I went out to eat. I went to karaoke. I got to dance a little bit.

I met some really cool people. I had a nice time.

Sunday December 15th 2013:

I attended my first NFL football game. The panthers VS. The NY jets.

It was very exciting to see all the carolina fans get so hyped for their team. The staduim was pretty full. I was, of course freezing my toes off, but I told myself not to complain.

Overall Summary:

This entire journey has been the spiritual journey of firsts.

The first time I have been out on my own, completely on my own like no family can come and just pick me up and take me home.

The first time, I'm working, and living in an area that I was not familiar with.

The first time I road a plane.

The first time I attend an NFL game.

The first time I started my own business (two to be exact).

God is certainly working in my life. I'm excited about the new doors that he is opening, has opened. I'm sad that the person who brought me here doesn't want to be apart of the blessings, nor the love.

Today is my birthday. I received a lot of love from just about everyone, even people who I did not think would care that much. But, I was waiting and hoping for that one person to at least text or something. I didn't receive any happy birthday from them at all...

I wanted to cry. I wanted to see them and be like "hey, where ya been?" And in my head I thought they would be singing happy birthday with the rest of the bible study group. But they were not there. It feels very empty without them in my life.

I know that my life does not revolve around them or any man for that matter (except for Jesus Christ). But, the truth is I'm tried of missing them. I'm tired of wishing that things were different. I just want us to be on one accord already, walking in the love, peace and truth of God together. This time giving God all the glory. So that we can move on, in love and flow with the rest of the river. They are the only ones that are disconnected from me. *sigh* It hurts. It was my birthday for, crying outloud. They couldn't put their difference aside for one moment, just to text happy birthday?

But, God is good. Even though a piece of my heart broke on my birthday. God still sent people to give share his love with me. And at this point I don't have time to cry or worry about why they aren't speaking to me. I have a minstry to build. I also have people that need the gifts that God has placed in me. I will pray for them, as I have done ever since I met them. And let God handle the things that I do not understand. So I can do the work that God has called me to do.

 

Friday June 21 2013: Departure from NC (Reflection of the first day)

Friday June 21 (the first day of Summer) I left at 10:25 from the downtown Raleigh train station. My destination Washington, DC.

I stepped on the train and I knew that it was going to be a spiritual journey...

The train ride there was long, but I made sure to make friends with a chemist and a young rapper. They were both really cool. They both seemed shy to speak, at first. But once we got talking then things just kind of flowed from there. The first thing the young rapper asked me, is if I sing. I was surprised because most people that I have interacted with don't pick up that about me when they first meet me. I never had trouble meeting new people. I always had trouble keeping friends because I go through so many transitions.

The majority of people that I know don't know what its like to grow up without parents...

And trying to explain is just impossible...

I have been blessed enough to have very kind people in my life. That is how I have been able to get through all the transitions that not having parents can bring.

The train ride was peaceful. I was able to meditate. I tapped into an assortment of emotions, nervousness, joy, sorrow, anger, frustration etc. I knew that those emotions were not mine because I was clear minded and extremely PEACEFUL.

I will say this that I don't like taking trips by myself. It is more fun when you have someone else with you. The way the train works is that, you sit by twos. So I did kind of wish that I had someone that I knew with me. But when I started feeling that way, I forced myself to make friends with the person next to me. So that I wouldn't add any negative vibes of longing or yearning for something that I did not have or could not have on my trip.

There was about a thirty minuet delay in my arrival time to DC. That is because we had to wait for other trains to pass. If there was a lesson to learn during the train it certainly was patience. We couldn't move until the other train passed. So the passengers had no choice but to wait. I like train rides because although they take a lot longer. They are more peaceful, in my opinion.

To those people who are always on the "GO! GO! GO!" who never have a moment to just sit and relax. We walk fast. Who talk fast. Who always want things done right away. Aka: Impatient people (often times like how I am) they won't like being thirty minutes late and having the train stop about three different times. It might frustrate them.

When I finally got to DC. I was overwhelmed by all the people walking around. By the three huge police officers standing right by the exist. They were very helpful of course. Then when I got into the train station building I found out that it was like a mini mall, at the train station. I was so lost! There were so many people walking around. People in DC walk like they have somewhere to be! The other thing is that they don't really seem to have a respect for the space of others. It was like they were oblivious to the fact that I was walking too. But I'm pretty sure that's how most of the world is. If you don't establish your exists and make yourself be KNOWN then people will just step right on you as they keep walking. The other thing that I need to invest in is a rollerbag luggage case. I'm so use to just throwing things in the car and going. But things here are different. You have to walk a ways to get to where you want to be. So you better make sure that you carry a bookbag or carry luggage that has wheels on it. I was so pissed and frustrated when I had to walk on the other side of the building.

I did ended up finding my friends car, after almost being knocked down by a herd of people lol

I like DC, it is lively. But I can tell that people here are intelligent and they don't play when it comes to make money. Its a different mentality here. People here aren't lazy and just sit around wishing that they can do stuff. They actually go out and get things done. And that's why I'm here. Because I want to get things done too.

Sunday Reflection: The Last Effort

Reflection:

I never really had love in my family after my mother died, so I sought it elsewhere. We just were never the type to say I love to one another that much or at least in growing up I was never the type to really care if they did. I now realize that saying the words "I love you" is just as important as showing them. Because if they never hear the words that go with the action then they (your family members, people you love) won't learn to associate the two concepts with one another. It is a learning process. I always knew how to do it, but I never did it because I was angry at the world for "taking away" the one person (my mother) who cared the most about my existence.

I had to come to accept that my "family" will never understand loss until they lose their mother. I pray everyday that their mother stays healthy and strong, not for my benefit because that would be selfish but so that they will have time to spend more quality time with their mother. Something that I wasn't able to do...


They are indifferent to my existence but that's okay. They have their own children and lives to worry about. But what I discovered is that in order to teach love, you have to be love. And that's what I ask God to strengthen in them and I every day. We can't connect. But there is love in being civil.

Before I met my god family, I was placed with another family: The "K's" And they are awesome. Whenever I see them its like I was never gone for that long. They always greet me with warm smiles and they always offer their help in any way that they can. At least the sisters do anyway lol In all the time that I was hanging out with them they never how important their kindness was to me. When you grow up as a island all on your own or feeling like you have to fight the whole wide world by yourself, sometimes at first the kindness of anyone scares you... but then after awhile we just "grew" on one another. I'm happy to say that, even though I don't talk to them every single day, that God did bless me with a family to show me kindness while I was going through my "wild child" transition. I am thankful. All I wanted to do was be loved and accepted by someone. I just wanted to find a place where I was free to be the "crazy lady." lol

The god family that I have now is awesome. They love me even when I don't deserve it and surprisingly it is almost as if I was meant to be apart of their family. I'm very similar to them in spirit and in heart. They are honest with me and their honesty matches my bluntness. So, I don't have to bite my tongue or lie to myself about how I really feel when I'm around them. They don't look at me strange when I walk in looking like a supermodel. They don't try to put me down or make me feel bad.

The one thing that my aunt (blood aunt) said was that "she didn't know..." and so far that has been the widely used excuse with my biological family. "We didn't know that you wanted to come..." Blah blah blah. You didn't know because you didn't ask. It is that simple.

My last effort to try and connect with them was this past Sunday. But I already know that my aunt was indifferent to my proposal. Matter of fact I picked up on that many times before, I just never said anything. She really doesn't care about me. She never really wanted to take care of me in the first place. She only did it because her mother was my guardian so she kind of felt obligated. But every time I messed up, got into trouble at school or got into a car accident or had some kind of drama in my life. She would always roll her eyes and give a heavy sigh like I was the biggest bother in the world. It cut my heart to realize that, my mothers sister(s) (because the eldest one is no different... ) could be the hateful. But God made a way out of no way to help me find his love again...

So, if they never accept me or like me I don't care because God does. And that's all that matters.

Scientist vs. Model

I think modeling is fun. A person can learn a lot from the experiences that you get through meeting people in the modeling industry. But, a lot of young women are so hungry for fame, money and power that they miss the life lessons entirely. Then you have people who seem to be created for the sole purpose of selling you a dream in a hand basket. They don't care if you really make it or not as long they look good trying to get you to the top or as long they get some kind of reward out of the deal.

 

 





The people on your "team" those who manager your career or have anything to do with making you money are suppose to have your best interest at heart. But a lot of times they get sidetracked and want to mold you into the image that they conjured up in their mind of how you should be, what you should look like, and essentially who you should be.

I'm blessed enough to not have to deal with any of that, but when I first started modeling I certainly felt that pull. I certainly fell that I was betraying who I was. I wasn't comfortable in my skin when I first started. They wanted me to just take a pill and "magically" wake up feeling sexy and confident and free from inhibitions. But, that was the "Paris Hilton" mentality that all the girls seemed to fall in at the time.

God had other plans for me.

And after I decided that modeling wasn't where my heart was, I chose to sing. I took voice lessons and that's where I started building my confidence to sing in front of people.

I now look at everything I do as a confidence builder.

Even though I think modeling is fun, I think I would much rather be a scientist. IF there was a way that I could combine being a model and a scientist then I would because that way I could have the best of both worlds.

 

 



In being a scientist I'm free to use the gift of intelligence that God gave me. No one can mask it, nor mold me to fit their thoughts, unlike in modeling where if you don't wear the designers clothes or you can't fit in them then either you don't get to be in the show or you don't get to wear their outfit and you miss being in the scene. There is too much demand in modeling. To look a certain way and or to act a certain way.

And honestly I just want to say FUCK IT! I act and do what I want. If you don't like it kiss my ass. But in the modeling world you can't do that. Because as a model you need people to like you, so they will want to work with you. That's another reason why being a scientist is more appealing. I don't need anyone to like me nor think I'm cool nor beautiful. Heck! they don't even have to think that I'm smart. As long as I have facts to back up what I state and or consistent patterns of truth. My theory is valid and it say the potential to stick in the hearts of the minds of all who read my material or redo my study.