Nah, I'm Done Listening....(YOU LISTEN TO ME NOW)

I'm done "listening..." to talk when you don't make any sense. I gave you the proper tools. I sent the warnings. I did my part, but of course no one ever listens to me until its too late and if you DID listen, then why didn't you apply what I told you? #NOEXCUSE

Every time I listen to someone else's advice for my life, it always ends up holding me back, distracting me, pushing me further back, from reaching Gods best for my life. 

I'm also done listening to pastors, preachers, teachers etc of the "word of God" who don't walk the walk and talk the talk.

I have a realistic walk with God. 
I don't try to be righteous and holier than thou for shits and giggles.
I don't lie to myself about where I am in my journey.
I don't make excuses for not being better than yesterday.

I refuse to give up on my dreams of singing, modeling and writing all over the world. I would love to have my voice heard one day. But, my "old fashion" ideals are not popular. 

But, If I were a lying, materialistic, spoiled chick I would have the world eating out of the palm of my hand. But... I'm not like that. 

The Warrior's Spirit: ***Love is Art***

***Love Is Art***

Many of the changes that occurred, I was not prepared for. This whole "go with the flow" thing never really worked for me until now. I like adventure, but I like organized adventure. But LIFE didn't care what I liked. I got thrown in the water and either had to swim or sink.

Death Of Innocence: Rise of the Queen

These last months are the most reflective. This time last year I was in Virginia, trying to make sense of the chain of events that took place. I wanted to die. But, my need to live outweighed it all. I asked for help, but most of the Christians thought I was just another "troubled" black girl, with no family and no one to love her. That is when I realized that it may not even be atheists or muslims etc that separate a nation, but weak spirited "sweep" crap under the run and pretend that it doesn't exist so called: Christians. 

Just because you go to church, praise God in-front of other people and are old enough to give words of wisdom doesn't mean that you are a true follower of Christ. I admit that I'm not living right, so yeah I have no room to judge but at least I'm honest about where I am in my "spiritual Journey" and not sneak around pretending to live this Oh, so holy moly life. *Cough* *Cough* But, I digress.

Love Life

People like to be in love for the wrong reasons. "I'm lonely." "I'm bored." "I want kids..." etc After much reflection I have decided that attachements are unnecessary. They only hold you back from reaching your full potential. Why? Because you are constantly worried about them or it leaving you or ending. 

I use to be a hopeless romantic, always wanting for a Prince Charming to come and swisk me away on a white horse! I use to be that girl, that would write poetry, love songs, love letters etc to the young man that I was OH SO smitten with, only to have him rip it in my face, then drive away laughing. As if, it was the most funniest comedic skit they had ever witnessed. 
I use to be that girl, that would stay up waiting for him to call me all night and even the next morning and day, only to find that he had already MOVED ON!

So, after coming back from Virginia, I vowed that I would be about business. I would make enough to take care of myself and my family (god family included, because they have been there through a lot of my changes.... I owe them so much more than I can give them right now. But I will be able to pay them back as they rightfully deserve, one day soon).

In VA I tried to fit in, I tried to be "natural" and dress down. I tried not to wear makeup. I tried not to BE ME! I wanted to be accepted. I needed validation. I needed to know that I was needed, since my boyfriend at the time dump me on the side of the curb like I was trash. I would call or text and ask him to help and he would say shit like, "that' s not my problem." 
Sometimes I wish that I would have died out there, that way my blood would always be on his hands, but I didn't die in the flesh. I died in the spirit and because I put all my trust and hope and entire ESSENCE into GOD, I was preserved for the glory of GOD and I'm stronger for it. 

I don't have time to be in love. I'm about meeting people who are ready to build and secure an empire. 

Family Life

I use to be respect and admire, my ex boyfriends' parents because I thought they were serious and honest "Christian folks." But, once again the joke was on me. 

They are fake. How can you tell someone else to live their life, or give advice when your own son doesn't take your advice. REALLY? So, let me get this straight, you teach and preach the word but your household isn't even in order. You can't even control your own son but you want to tell other people or give advice to other people on how to live their lives? Get real... please... I'll pass. 

He talks back to you and have little to no respect for you and yet, I was the problem, not him. Yeah... I wish I was who I am now, back then they all would have seen a different side that they could have thrown stones at... 

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I learned not to be so trusting. Never give your entire heart to a man and never assume that just because someone is Christian that their intentions are pure. 

I did the best I could with what I what I knew and with what I had left to work with. And that's all there is to say.... the end. 

R-E-A-W-A-K-E-N-I-N-G: Rise Of The Queen

I'm in a new place now.

Stronger

Wiser

Faster

Resilient

Comfortable In My Own Skin

I would say about, 8 months ago, all I wanted to do was die.  I couldn't think I could not function, my entire life revolved around "why me?" I felt defeated, raped and robbed of my joyful spirit. But, I knew that it was my own fault. I had to take responsibility for being so easily deceived. The devil tricked. Yeah, asshole got me. I didn't even see it coming. But, I realized that everything happens for a reason and that everything that is negative was turned around for my good.

I don't have any regrets about what I did, said, did not do or say while I was in VA, but every sleepless night, every tear, every moment of confusion led me to where I am today: peaceful. But cautious.

You see, I will never put another man on a pedestal again, nor will I ever allow a man to use his "resources" to allure me away from the flock. I was so happy to meet a man that I thought was about that "christian life." I thought him being about that life, would ignite a new passion in me to be about that life too. But it wasn't his desire to be about it that ignited my passion for God again, it was his (their) betrayal, the injustice, the murder of my child like spirit.

Every setback. Every stab in the back. Every sleepless night. It is all used for my good.

I had no choice but to delete many of the "family" that I met in VA from my Facebook because I was in a dark place. A very dark place. Such a dark place, that satan himself could have asked me to marry him and I would have said yes... yep, that dark. 

I had to cut them off, so I could focus and so that I could protect them from the anger and the hate that I felt toward and about that situation. I recently added a couple of the faces that I most admired back into my life. I only added the ones that were mature enough to understand what the "fight" is all about. Spiritual warriors for Gods' Love. 

The ones who don't run to mommy and daddy every time they get a scrape on their knee. You're a grown ass man/woman stop sucking on your mothers nipple and pick up a weapon and learn how to defend yourself. 

Stop blaming your screwed up life on other people. You made the choice to marry that person, or open your legs to that man and to have a baby with him. So now you deal with the consequences. 

Just like I made the choice to believe that they could be trusted.

We all make choices. But I don't run from my consequences. I face them head on, with complaints, without complaints. But I never give up and I never stop fighting. 

Yeah...I guess, I figure that if I had to learn how to fight out in a new place, on my own then others should learn how to too, because sooner or later their parents will leave this earth and they will be faced to meet the claws of injustice that rapes the world as we speak. 

Chapter 3: Call To Greatness (Rise of the Queen) (Part 1)

Chapter 3: 

She had to step down from her position as the Queen because she knew that she was not setting the most "conventional" example of what a woman of God is suppose to represent. 

You're So Aggressive! (Warrior Mentality)

I use to hear in the past: "Jalysa you are too aggressive" You scare men away. So, I always thought "what's wrong with me?" "Why do all the guys I like runaway from me?" These were my thoughts before I knew who I was through Christ. The enemy had me at a very interesting point. My head was filled with doubts, fears and worries. I tried to change myself into everyone else, except who God wanted me to be. 

I also tried to change jokers into kings or princes. If, I would have known how much time and money (yes, I use to buy my guys all kinds of stuff too) that I would waste I would have thought twice about being so "caring" "loving" "understanding" and "sweet." 

The "VOICE OF REASON"

I have been in Woodbridge Virginia for about 6 months and the only thing that has changed is: me. People seem to be envious of that. You would think that "Christians" those who go to church every Sunday, work in the church nursery, praise and worship God right beside me would be glad that I finally made the choice to let God take over my life. But no. They still hold grudges. They still have unpleasant things to say about me. The funny part is that they think that I don't know. But, I know as much as the Lord allows me to hear and to see. So, I do "know." 

Learning How To Speak In Love

Most of the time when I'm around a group of people I'm quiet for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I haven't learned how to speak (in love) constantly, the way most of the other members of the community have. 

My mother was the only one to administer hugs and kisses and the whole thing about "let's talk about it." But after she passed away, I was forced to be my own mom, dad, brother, sister, friend and protector. I use to be very sweet. Very kind. Very loving. You asked me to do anything for you, not only would I do it but I would also go above and beyond to do extra because I knew that it would make you well pleased. A "people pleaser" is what I use to be. Until, "enough was enough." Then to go a step beyond that, until... I was re-introduced to God again. 

Glory Be To God: Give Love To Get Love

I thank God for keeping me safe and for providing for me. Glory be to God for his mercies and grace over my life. I thank God for sending his only son to die on the cross for my sins. Without the obedience of his son and the sacrifice of God, I would not be able to have a connection with Abba Father.
                             
SO, here we are going to recap some of the most handsome and beautiful faces. God sent them to love me and to keep a smile on my face while on this journey. And I thank God for each and every one of them! And so, I dedicate this blog to their memory and to always loving them!

Hope you enjoy! I love you!
 

Beauty: Like A Double-edged Sword

I'm not one to lie or to bite my tongue. If I feel some type of way you will know because I like truth, even if it hurts. The given ability to endure during painful realizations or truths in life, is what makes me strong. I'm still here. I aint dead yet... I still have some fight left in me. And as long as I can fight, then I'm going to praise God will my heart, mind, soul, spirit and body! Praise God like I lost my mind.

I admit that this walk with Christ, is not a "walk in the park." There are days when I want to go back to my old way life. Back to the days when I felt like I was "big ballin!" Going to house parties every weekend, going to the club, having men buy me drinks and other material possessions. Whatever I wanted I could have and all I had to do was be cute and sexy. And it was mine. I still have that power, but it I chose to transform that power when I re-dedicated my life to servering God.

Yes, those days were fun. I was high on life and doing whatever I wanted to do. But, even those they may have been fun. They were also the most sloppiest and tackiest of moments in my life. But, God can transform anyone. From a slave into a Queen or King and that is what he did with me. There are still some rough edges, that God is chipping away.

It is crazy once you find a source that can fill you with intense and immense joy just from making a promise. Nothing in the world can do that, because everything in the world is temporary. People make promises everyday in the world but then they break them. Why? Because they don't care. But who does care? God. In all the mess that I have ever been in God has always opened a door for me to escape. I mean I technically should be dead right now, with all the dumb stuff I put myself in.

Even in this situation I'm in currently. It is only the mercies and grace of the Lord and joy from the holy spirit that is holding my broken heart, and sanity together. Glory be to God. Why? Because I never thought that someone who claimed to love, trust and have confidence in God could be so cruel. How do you go from talking about God, reading me scriptures and taking me to church every Sunday to not speaking to me at all? Wow, that would make anyone trying to establish a strong walk with God get discouraged and possibly backslide. But, even though they weren't walk in Truth, I chose to rise above. To go to a higher level. Not only walk in the Gods' truth, but his peace and love too. All levels are hard, because I can feel things getting easier. I trust that my breakthrough is around the corner. In the name of Jesus.
　

 

 

The Weekend Before My Birthday: Airplane & NFL

Friday, December 13th 2013

I took my first plane ride to Charlotte, NC for my first NFL football game. The plan ride reminded me just of a roller coaster, at first.

I got to stay in a fancy hotel, called the Omni. I got to be in the city. I got to take a break from my life on the "battlefield" and just focus on enjoying myself.

Saturday December 14th 2013:

I went out to eat. I went to karaoke. I got to dance a little bit.

I met some really cool people. I had a nice time.

Sunday December 15th 2013:

I attended my first NFL football game. The panthers VS. The NY jets.

It was very exciting to see all the carolina fans get so hyped for their team. The staduim was pretty full. I was, of course freezing my toes off, but I told myself not to complain.

Overall Summary:

This entire journey has been the spiritual journey of firsts.

The first time I have been out on my own, completely on my own like no family can come and just pick me up and take me home.

The first time, I'm working, and living in an area that I was not familiar with.

The first time I road a plane.

The first time I attend an NFL game.

The first time I started my own business (two to be exact).

God is certainly working in my life. I'm excited about the new doors that he is opening, has opened. I'm sad that the person who brought me here doesn't want to be apart of the blessings, nor the love.

Today is my birthday. I received a lot of love from just about everyone, even people who I did not think would care that much. But, I was waiting and hoping for that one person to at least text or something. I didn't receive any happy birthday from them at all...

I wanted to cry. I wanted to see them and be like "hey, where ya been?" And in my head I thought they would be singing happy birthday with the rest of the bible study group. But they were not there. It feels very empty without them in my life.

I know that my life does not revolve around them or any man for that matter (except for Jesus Christ). But, the truth is I'm tried of missing them. I'm tired of wishing that things were different. I just want us to be on one accord already, walking in the love, peace and truth of God together. This time giving God all the glory. So that we can move on, in love and flow with the rest of the river. They are the only ones that are disconnected from me. *sigh* It hurts. It was my birthday for, crying outloud. They couldn't put their difference aside for one moment, just to text happy birthday?

But, God is good. Even though a piece of my heart broke on my birthday. God still sent people to give share his love with me. And at this point I don't have time to cry or worry about why they aren't speaking to me. I have a minstry to build. I also have people that need the gifts that God has placed in me. I will pray for them, as I have done ever since I met them. And let God handle the things that I do not understand. So I can do the work that God has called me to do.

 

The Strength Of God Has Brought You This Far...

I'm slightly overwhelmed with emotion at the reflection and revelations I have received as of late. I always knew that God gave me the strength to overcome, but I did not know how much strength he gave me.

I'm not here to paint a fairytale picture, nor lie about events that took place in this journey. I'm here to tell you the truth, about what happen. What I did, what I said, what they did what they said and how we did not focus on God and what our focus should have been, could have been and what our focus looks like now.

God is the ultimate navigator. Every time I tried to do things my way, it may have worked for a day or even a week but as soon as something hit me. I went down and everyone around me was affected. I had to keep in mind that what I do, and also what I say affects those around me. My life is not my own. It never was. God created me to be a blessing to his people. But when I'm stuck in my flesh, selfish and unfocused how can I be a blessing? The answer is: I can't. At that point I become a hinderance and a bother. A "distraction."

I will never forget when they told me that I was a "distraction." It broke my heart because I thought I was helping. But, the truth its not "helping" when you do things that take their attention away from God. Everything should be about God. Everything we say, think and do should be representative of how Jesus Christ lived.

But, I have been here for almost 4 months or maybe a little longer. I spent Thanksgiving here, now I'm spending my birthday and I'll probably be here for Christmas too. Working. Saving money. Trying to get on my feet. God had to cut, my "happy" from me and my idea of "stability" so that I could only see, know and depend on him. He didn't just move me away so that I could focus on him, but he moved me away so that they could focus on God too.

Everything isn't always about us. Each day we interact with people we have the potential to share the love of God in us. It doesn't have to be through speech or ministering. It can be through our actions too. Giving a hug. Being a listening ear. Praying with someone going through a struggle. Be a blessing to someone else's life, not by giving them money (unless the holy ghost leads you too) but by being positive, patient, loving, kind etc and those are the things that will be remembered long after God has moved you from that place.

 

God Wants To Bless His People: Maturity, Time To Rise

Maturity? It is not something that you can keep consciously avoiding. Especially if you are a Christian. We know right from wrong. We know that we are suppose to love our neighbors. We have a guide book, the Truth, the word of God that tells us what pleases God. Yet, even though we know what pleases God we still choose to do the opposite. We have to "rebellious" spirit to the curb in the name of Jesus. And get on one accord with what God says, so he can bless us. He wants to bless us.

Right now I'm in a place of peace. A place of complete connection and peace to God. I'm meeting new people through the start up of my business. I'm thinking like a winner. I'm learning to overcome. I'm chasing after my dreams. There are a lot of things that I want to accomplish between now and let's say 30. I do not want to be sitting around talking about the same ol' things that I am now when I reach that age.

I'm starting my own business. I'm working. I'm making new friends with professionals who are humble millionaires. Wow. They give. They support. They help. They speak life into people and that's really what many in the world need. A light in a dark place. A light of hope.

I'm learning that nothing is impossible with God on your side. Your situation may be unfavorable, but you have to look at what you do have, as oppose to what you don't have. You have to "work with whatcha got." Until God blesses you with something better.

I know that Greater is coming for me. I know that my dreams will come true. But more than my dreams coming true I know that one day (real soon, in the name of Jesus) I will be in a position to be a blessing to other people. I will be in a position to give someone a ride to church.

We need to sow seeds of kindness, during the "crushing" so that when we come out Victorious, we will have a good bountiful harvest to reap from for our celebration of our victory through Christ Jesus, who loved us before any man or women ever knew what love was. Glory be to God. Amen.

 

Vengence Is Mine, saith the Lord

I'm still in shock at the events that have taken place so far.

I can't believe that I'm stuck in Woodbridge, Virginia. But, beyond that I still can't believe that he broke up with me at one of the most critical points in my life. Even now, he knows that I am away from my family and my loved ones and yet, he still hasn't reached out to say anything.

I'm not even upset or angry anymore about the whole thing. I'm just in disbelief. Like, how could you treat a person like that? No matter how horrible acting someone was to me, I still wouldn't boot them to the curb knowing that they didn't have any family around to support them.

How could he just give up on me when I needed his support the most? He wouldn't want someone to do that to him. No one should be treated that way.

I can't believe that I'm stuck out here with no family, in the middle of nowhere. I don't have a car to get anywhere with, I'm running out of food and I still have yet to receive my winter clothes. Job opportunities are flooding my inbox but because they are all in Arlington, Maryland, DC etc I can't get to them. I'm running out of money on my metro-card and my entire life is falling apart...

And the person who brought here and promised to stand by my side through all of this, well... he doesn't care that I'm sad, hurting, lonely, missing my family. wow... I can't believe this! And the worst part is NO ONE IS SAYING ANYTHING TO DEFEND ME! They smile in my face on a regular basis, they say how much they love JESUS and GOD, SO if they are so filled with the love of Jesus then why doesn't someone say something to him. They know this situation is MESSED UP! They wouldn't want to be in anything like this! But of course, people don't start caring until it happens to them. I like to see the good in everyone, but even Christians can be selfish.

Wow, I can't wait until I get out of this situation.

That's all I'm praying for. Because I WILL NEVER TRUST ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. Yes, I thank God for his life and for using him to ignite passion in my spirit and soul to get into the word. Yes, I thank God that he used him to get me on the right track to living a righteous life, to being move loving, praying more, leaning on God more. He was the one that brought me to his church in the first place. Told me that I would go to church every single Sunday and while we were together that is exactly what we did.

But, I'm disappointed at how we both allowed our flesh, other people and the devil separate what God put together. We were suppose to praise him while we were together! Thanking God for one another and for every opportunity to excel in life. And we got distracted from the purpose.

It is cruel to live in the same town, go to the same bible study, the same church, know the same people and not have him speak to me. Not a "hi!" Not a "hey! are you okay?" Nothing. Who treats people like that? How does a person claim to love God and then they treat someone indifferently? I reflected on how I acted. It was not godly. But, I repented. And even asked God to give me the courage to apologize to his face. I did. And I thought I would receive the same in return but....yeah.

So, all of those who say "make sure you point the finger at yourself" YOU ARE TOO LATE! I already have.

But, I do know one thing. That God doesn't like ugly. I know because in previous years when I mistreated someone that God placed in my life to love me, not long after bad things started to happen. I couldnt' find a job. My car started acting up. All kinds of drama that I could have avoided if I would have just knew how to rebuke my flesh and walk in love!

No, I don't wish for ill-will on anyone. Those are just examples. But, we reap what we sow. I know both ends of that too.

But, not to put all the blame on him it is my fault too. I read the word, but I was not active in walking in it. I got too excited and moved before Gods' timing.

But, I know that even though he abandon me during this transition that GOD is greater than all of this. And, all I have to do is wait on the Lord to deliver me from this. Forgiveness, is easy that's why I can write about this without a lot profanity and hate behind my words.

I was created to write. I don't run, nor hide, now cower from the truth of what I did and how they reacted to what I did. I admit that I messed up, but I sought forgiveness to his face. And he has yet to do that in my direction. I hope he doesn't think that a text message is a good way to apologize to someone. Because that is just as worse, as if he hadn't said it at all.

So, I'm praying, that we will get past all of this. Forgive one another wholeheartedly. Walk in a unified peace and receive the blessings that God has been waiting to give us, since we were separated. Glory be to GOD!

Child-like Heart Return

God is still cleaning me up, but the changes he has made in me since I have been here so far, are incredible. In order for those changes to be made, he had to strip me of everything that made me glorify my ego and not him (God).

The man I love
(I spent too much time wrapped up in his world and not enough time wrapped up into the word of God. I wanted so much to use my life to protect his life only but God was telling me that I was created to protect, inspire, encourage many lives. When things did not move along fast enough for me I became impatient and my flesh started to control my soul and spirit. Then I loss sight of the purpose. To comfort, love and protect the love of God in him. I failed my task and perhaps me being stuck here is part of that punishment for failing or maybe it is like the "waiting room" in a hospitial. Either way despite all that has happen I still pray for him to have full confidence and trust in God the way he did when I first met him. He doesn't know it and maybe he never will but his passion for God stirred in me a passion to seek God too. And other than him sharing the love of God in him with me, protecting the love of God in me, his passion for God was a gift that helped me find God so that my child-like heart could return)


My modeling opportunities

Opportunities for jobs in high places

He wants me to be humble, to go back to who I use to be. I guess, apparently being "too giving" "too loving" "too kind" was what pleased God, but when I started to see the selfish behind man I became bitter and that's when a spirit of rebellion came over me and I started to fight for all the wrong reasons.

I wasn't fighting to defend the love of God, I was fighting to tear men down. To step all over their hearts the way they did mine. I wanted to revenge. I was angry. But the truth is, that in being that way I ended up hurting myself a lot more. Because I knew better (many of them did too...) and I cared more about love than anything else. It wasn't in my character to be that way and it broke the heart of my child like spirit.

I told myself that I was protecting my heart, which I forced myself to believe. But my intelligence isn't strong enough to protect my child like heart only God can.

I know this entire journey is about God. The faster I figure out what God wants me to do here then the quicker I can go home. I don't like being stuck in a new place where I'm dependent on the kindness of strangers to get me to where I need to go or help me out. But, that's where God has me. The more I complain about it, the worse it gets. So. I stopped complaining.

I also noticed that God placed me around Christian women, many of them are in relationships. And boy! does it suck to be single when I'm around married and relationship folk! Like dang! wish things would have worked out for me! But, to God be the glory! I know that better is on the way. Who is has for me will match me like a glove to a hand and more than that I won't have to ask him to teach him about spiritual warfare or ask him to grow a backbone, or to stand up and be a man. He will be and do these things automatically because he knows who he is through Christ and who he belongs to: God.

 

 

Kingdom Minded: Daddy, Is He The One???

A few main things that a lady should ask herself before she even thinks about praying to ask God if he is "the one" or not:

1. What is his relationship with God like? Does he even have a relationship with God? Does he put and keep God first in every decision that he makes?

2. How does he treat his mother? What is his relationship with his mother like? Does he respect her? What does he say about her when he is around her and what does he say when he is not around her?

3. What is attitude toward life like? Is he always looking at all the negative things in life? Does he complain when things don't go his way? Or does he pray and trust that God will fix it?

4. Is he standing as a leader? Is he kingdom minded? Does he love God? Does he seek to sow seeds of kindness and love wherever he goes? Is he committed, consistent, constant to(in) his walk with Christ?

Why would God send me a king through Christ if I'm not even walking in the position that he (A Queen through Christ) has called me to rise to many months ago?

I can't ask my husband to be all the things that I'm not. If I want him to be a strong leader then I have to be a strong leader to. Naturally some situations are debateable but for general purposes that's how it is.

I attend a women's leadership conference, entitled: Arise. And I learned a lot from other Christian women who were both single and married. It was so nice to see so many young married Christian women. It gave me hope, that God has someone out there for me too.

But then I started thinking... I keep saying that I want the "perfect man..." but am I the "perfect woman" that he is looking for? I had to get really, real with myself about answering that question, which wasn't impossible to do.

When came to the realization of my answer I realized that in my life I had made a lot of mistakes for why I wasn't getting things done, blaming other people for this and for that. When the truth of the situation was simple: It all has to do with me. Yes, people can play a role in situations, but how I reacted to those situations, what I said, what I did, the thoughts that popped into my mind played the biggest role.

Yes, my thoughts and how I reacted to those situations played the greatest roles. If I would have approached the situations with patience, the love of Christ in my heart then many of the pains that I went through more than likely could have been avoided.

If I would have taken the time to pray more and worry less. Then right now the person I love and care about the most would probably be a speaking terms. But, in my flesh I got mad. I was selfish. I wanted things "my way or the highway." I had a bad attidue and looked at the negative in everything. Always stressing. Always worrying. Have little next to no faith in God.

Why would any man want to marry that? A worrier. A nagger. A doubter? The answer is they wouldn't. If I am to be a good wife. An excellent helpmate. I have to walk in the love, peace and truth of God daily. Not just on the days when he makes me feel loved and "special." I have to put and keep God first no matter what situations that my husband and I go through. I have to put all my faith, truth, hope and confidence in God leaning on his word; continuing to be an example of the love of God so just in case my husband is not at his best and having an off day, he can look at me and be inspired, encouraged to keep fighting against the negative.

This world is hard enough, why make it more difficult by being selfish and mean?

The truth is, that all the things that I am fully aware of now. I was vaguely famililar with. Like I saw the movie title but I did not see the preview type of deal. So, i knew that I should be sweet, nice, king and show love. But I did not know how to walk in it properly. And when I tried to do it on my own I failed miserably. What was I missing?

Answer: The word of GOD.
         
It is easy to say that you love someone, but DO YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEONE the way the bible (the way GOD) says you should love someone?

Do you get upset and cut them out of your life when they say something you don't like?

If you do that's not showing love. And when I thought about that, I was like "wow! That's really opposite of how God says to love...."

Do you throw a tantrum whenever someone doesn't do what you say, when you want?

If you do that's not showing love either.

Do you talk about someone's behavior during one of their off days and blog it to the whole wide world, because you don't understand the situation and you are mad at them?

If you do (and I'm guilty of doing that, had to repent and apologize asap!) then that's not showing love.

God would never blog about all the mistakes that I did and all the times that I wasn't at my very best. I choose to write about those times because my life is a testimony and every major life change that I go through I want people to see what God taught, how God changed me and how he (God) worked it all out... In other words all the glory goes back to GOD!

But, God does not favor that type of behavior. And when I realized that I did those things I had to repent immediately and apologize. Then I had to change the way I think about writing. Writing should never be a tool to cut down or destroy someone else. It should be used to encourage, support and uplift someone else at all times.

So I had to get really serious about changing. And it started with asked God to "Renew in me a clean heart and the right spirit."

In the past I would ask God to do that, but I did not fully believe that he would. So, I rebuked the doubt, fear and uncertainty and I jumped head first into the pool of Gods' promises.

I want to be the most loving, caring, supportive, dedicated, kind, gentle, meek, patient, wise, humble wife that my husband will ever be married to. I want him to see the light and love of God shine through me every day no matter what situation that life throws my way. I want him to look at me and when he feels weak, know that he can come to me and I will help him (because I'm his helpmate), through prayer, reading the word (scriptures) find God in order for him to get back to being strong in the Lord again.

I want to be so rooted in the word of God, that God will fill me with the wisdom, strength, and love to help my husband deal with any and all situations that he life may throw at him.

I want to be supportive. But most of all I want to love my husband. I us to put, keep and love God with all our heart(s) together. I want us to pray, read the bible, go to bible study, be active members in church, minister, stand as leaders, teach and share the love of God together... with those who need it the most.

But before any of that can happen I have to allow God to get me straight and in order and focused. So when God sends my husband I will already be prepared. And he and I won't have to waste time having God to do too much "clean up" in our lives. And we can get started, together, on teaching and preaching the gospels all over the world (if that is what God leads us to do).

It is not impossible, because I have God on my side. And all things are possible with God on my team.



 

 

Childlike Heart of Love: What does your heart Desire?

One of the young ladies on my fb page, after she and I getting into a debate or rather an exchange of ideas, said that she would pray that I would have the desires of my heart...

And then I started to think, what does my heart currently desire and it hit me...

I tried to run from this situation. I thought that I was going to Baton Rouge. I thought I could start all over and never have to think about him again.

Then I tried to date someone else, thinking that would solve the issue. But it was only a temporary distraction and it caused more trouble than it was worth getting into.

So, what i want the most is for us to go back to being friends. I want a chance to give him a real hug and just go back to laughing and joking around. I want the tension and silence between us to end.

Everyone else gives me hugs and says "hi" but there is still silence between us and my heart breaks. I am not the same as I use to be. I'm still a writer, but I have learned to write in a different mindset.

I have learned to point the finger back at myself and recognize my mistakes. What I said and what I did and how I could have done things differently. I can not pretend that I don't still love him, because I do. But, it is not a romantic love. It is a miss you very much and just want us to go back to hanging out, kinda love.

He made me laugh all the time. He kept me in good spirits. Even when I wasn't at my best or didn't feel well, he thought to ask me if I was okay. But, now that I need his love and support the most he is nowhere to be found. I live 4 minutes away (driving). Please tell me why we have not seen one another outside of church, tag or bible study?

I don't want to live in a place where there is this distance between us.  But, every time I ask God to move me something else comes up making it impossible for me to leave. It is hurtful. It is a situation that I wouldn't want anyone to go through. And its not about, he did this and she did that, its about that I don't want to waste anymore time not loving him...

We can get called to Heaven tomorrow and the last thing that will be on his heart, is him acting distant and holding a grudge toward me and me missing him.

We don't have time to be divided.
We don't have time to be selfish. We are in the end of the end times. Jesus Christ can come back at any moment and the last thing I want is to be missing him. I know, I take full responsibility for these thoughts too. He shouldn't even be on my mind. I should be sleeping right now, but I couldn't sleep because I was lying to myself about being hurt.

 

 

I am hurt, because I miss him. I miss the hugs. I miss the laughs. I miss us going to church together. I miss watching Suits together. I miss the skype messages and pictures. I miss it all. But, what I didn't realize is that after awhile we started to forget about God. When God was the one that put us together in the first place. I didn't thank God for sending him to help me. I took the situation for granted, because I thought he would always be there.

Then I tried to intercede on his behalf and take the spiritual beatings and God did not want that either. I thought if I helped, if I "shielded" him from the pain with the heart that God gave me that is filled with compassion and bigger than the Sun at the core, that I could save him and that everything would be okay... I told God, "I don't mind. I'm strong enough to handle his pain. I have dealt with a lot worse...." But God said no. And I could do nothing but sit back and watch. And I was mad and I was frustrated and I was tried because I couldn't do anything to help not him nor myself....

I was mad at God for not letting me take the spiritual beatings... haha, how silly right. But, when as time went on I realized why God had told me "no." It was because there were other people that needed to see the strength of God in me, more than he did. He was going to be fine, God was going to take care of him. Send him family and friends to keep him motivated and moving in life. But, there were others who were on the edge and they needed to see the strength God placed in me to give them hope to move into tomorrow, toward a better day....

If, I'm called to be a minister one day then I'm going to have to make sacrifices obediently and without complaint. Sure, it cut me. CUT ME DEEP, not to be able to call him up and be like "hey whatcha up to?" Cut me deep not to be able to text him a silly face picture or whatever. It still cuts me deep now not to be able to share all the best parts of my life with him. My grandmother asks about him and so does my god family...

To be fair, I wouldn't want to be around someone who talks junk about me either when I act out in my flesh, during my "bad days" (even though that has happen to me before... how did I like it? It didn't feel very good. But turned the situation around and found it amusing so it didn't bother me...).

But, we can't go back and undo what is already done. But we can move onward and pray that God fills us with his agape love so that when we see one another we respond to one another with the love of Christ. I have learned quite a few things since being separated from him and 1: is to never take any moment with anyone you love for granted. Because one day you might wake up and they won't be there anymore...

2. Show love, speak life into your loved one, spread positive energy

3. My life is not my own and it is used to be a blessing to someone else's life.

4. Do things in love and give with a cheerful heart

So, yeah, it may not mean much to anyone else but seeing him peaceful, smiling and walking in the love of God is a prayer that I pray for him. Because despite the way things are God still used him to bring me here, where I learned how to speaking, sing and pray in tongues and where I learned how to walk in the love of GOD. If, it wasn't for him finding me the journey would have not been quite like this...

I just pray that we get a chance to go back to being comfortable around one another, laughing and talking, the way I am with everyone else in tag before my time here is over. I don't want to leave here with a cloud of unforgiveness over our heads. He says that he isn't mad at me, but when he speaks to me I still here it in his tone and even more than that I feel it in his energy. When I come into the room his energy changes. I'm not the only one that notices it or feels it either. So, that's how i know that I'm not "crazy" or "paranoid" about it...

 



 

 

Prayer For Healing, Restoration: The Time to Love is Now

Dear Abba Father,

You gave me this wonderful gift to see the highest potential in a person, but I sometimes I get so excited that I scare people away with it.

I saw his highest potential the moment that I met him. I knew that you had called him to do, be apart of and see Great things. But, instead of being patient and allowing you to clean him up. I thought I could "help" you, by teaching him how to pray and praise you the way I did. In other words instead of just giving him the tools and telling him how to use them. I gave him the tools and told him how to use them the way I do. What works for me. Did not work for him. But, I was too selfish to see that. I thought I was "helping" when I was actually in your way.

So, I ask forgiveness. I apologize for getting in your way, while you were trying to teach him how to stand as the leader you called him to be. I'm sorry that I put him before you. I'm sorry that I put "us" before you.

I ask that you restore the friendship, relationship and love between us. That you saturate us in your Agape love. That you bring us together as friends for your glory. That you bring us back together fully confident, trusting in you and ready to encourage one another in our walks with Christ. Being lead by the spirit and not our flesh.

If there is anything in our hearts, minds, souls, or spirits' that is stopping us from loving one another with the love of Christ I ask that you remove it in the name of Jesus. If there is anything in and around our lives that is unholy, unrighteous or unclean please cut if off from us in the name of Jesus Christ.

You, Abba Father, are the only one that can heal and restore. You are the only one that can make all things new again. Thank you God for healing and restoring our friendship. For filling our souls with your Agape love, your patience, your kindness and gentleness toward one another.

We can not go back and undo what has already been done, but as long as we have breath in our bodies we still have the chance to love one another as Christ loves us.

We don't have time to stand divided that's why the enemy has so much control right now. We have to walk in your forgiveness, Abba Father and come together and show love to one another. We never know when you will call us home. We never know when our last breath on earth will be. So, I don't want to waste anymore time not loving them, not being their friend, not praying for and with them. They are the only one that, still is hesitate toward me, Abba Father and it breaks my heart because everyone else can see the changes that you are making in me. I have apologized over and over and you even gave me the courage to apologize to their face. Even though they apologize to me through a text message instead of to my face. I didn't make a big to do about it... I just wanted there to be peace between us.

I can not lie and say that I do not love them still, because I do, very much so. But more than that I miss us going to church together and i miss us talking about your word, sharing our reveleations and praying for and with one another. And that is what I want to get back to. Back to being on one accord with you, Abba Father, flowing in your perfect order and Will. Thank you God for restoring us, for your glory. All honor, praise and glory belong to you. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Love Like Christ: Missing You

Dear You,
                  
I can't explain all the changes that God is making in me, because even I don't really understand them. I have self reflected over this entire situation over and over and yet I still come to the same conclusion. That one, God is in control and two, I still and always will love you.

There is no excuse for how I acted and what I did. Although, I was honest in telling you that I'm a writer. When I write I feel free. It is the same way with my singing. You know how important me being able to sing is or at least I pray you do.

I came here thinking that we were going to be some kind of "bonnie and clyde" team. That things would move fast enough for us to finally get ourselves on our feet as individuals so we could help one another out. But, God had other plans...

When I saw that things were moving a little bit faster for me and not for you all I wanted to do is protect you. So, the money that I orignially had to go home I used to stay longer so that I could pray with you and stand by your side as you were starting to "go through the fire." I kept trying to intercede on your behalf, because I did not want to see you unhappy, miserable or sad in any way.

I thought if I asked God he would just put all your pain on me, open all new doors for you to walk through and then we could live happily ever. The end. But God had other plans...

I asked God to put your pain on me because I knew that I was strong enough to take it. But instead of doing that, he moved me away. So that only you can depend on him. It was a painful separation, since all I wanted was to help you and be there for you and stay by your side. But, the Will of God shall be done and obedience to his Will can not be denied, do you agree?

At the time I was still "fresh." In other words all the things that I know now I did not fully understand nor walk in then. Instead of giving everything over to God, I tried to take it on myself and in my flesh I hurt you and I failed at walking in the love of Christ. It hurt me just as equally to think about how I hurt you, as well as being seperated from you.

I miss you every day. I live about five minutes away from you, just in case you did not know. I always pray that you will stop by and visit me. I wonder if you have forgotten me or not.

I can not go back in the past and fix the things that I have said or done nor take them back. I had the chance to apologize to your face and even though I couldn't see your eyes I prayed silently that you understood. But, I could tell that you were still angry and that I was still hurt. I wanted so much to hug you and say "I'm sorry" I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I love you. I'm sorry. Over and over again, so that you would never forget how thankful I am to GOD for sending you to help me get closer to God.

If it had not been for you caring enough about me to help me, then I would not have been able to come to a place where I can get strong in my walk with Christ and learn more about the word of God and praise God as passionately as I do now.

I was stupid in love when I came here. I was set on taking care of you, because I'm happier when I get to take care of someone else. But when I stopped to think about it, I couldn't even take care of myself, so how could I help you? It killed me not to be able to help you as I wanted to. The more you pulled away, the more painful it was. I tried so hard to do my best to help you with what I had, but it did not seem to be enough for you. The more I loved you, the more violently you acted. Until one day you shut down on me all together. And when I needed you the most, you were nowhere to be found. When I needed you to pray with me you disappeared.

We went from praying with one another almost every night, talking about God, going to church together... to now we don't even speak. Like I said, I can't take back what I have done but I can learn from my mistakes and make sure that I do things differently next time. I'm always praying that God will send you back into my life, as I met you, fully trusting and confident in God, wise, humble, patient and kind... so that I can get a chance to love you the right way, clothed in my right mind, patient and fully walking in the love of Christ.

Agape Love is the only love that will out last all of this. The love of God is unconditional. Never changing. Constant and that is the only love that I ever want to share with you. And when I get that chance again I will hold in my arms and just thank God for who he is, for the second chance and for your life.  

 



GOD Have all of me: "Nothing without you"

God is cleaning me up so fast. It is overwhelming. Two months ago I had one foot in the door and one foot out and now I have both of my feet planted and rooted in the word of God. I get stronger every day.

I'm asking God to renew in me a clean heart and the right spirit daily. I'm asking him to help me adjust to this entire situation. 

I have never been faced with anything like this before and so, for me to have to deal with this away from home where all my original and strongest support is, is difficult. 

I didn't come to VA prepared for any of this. I thought, that I was going to get a job, work for a couple of months, save up money and then go back home, with him still in my life and still loving me.... 

Its not fair. 

Its wrong. 

Its cruel. 

Its hateful. 

Its horrible, that anyone would put someone that they love and care about through this. He didn't have to cut me off and disappear out of my life without even a goodbye or a see you later. Nothing. He just vanished... 

I don't talk about it with anyone because people won't understand they will just say "get over it..." the way they say about my mother being deceased.

I want to hate him, but I can't... because as soon as I start to get angry at him the holy spirit comes and convicts me and reminds of the love of GOD in me. But no matter how many times I ask GOD why did that have to happen right at that time... or why did he do that? I never get an answer....

But, what I can't understand is why did he break up with me when he knew that I needed him the most? Why did he choose to break up with me during one of the most critical points in my life? 

Who does that? Who stares you in the eyes and promises to stand by your side and then because they don't understand a situation or they see that God is cleaning you up, just get jealous or mad out of nowhere and abandon you? 

You don't treat people like that... 

I would never do that to him. I could have left several times while he was going through the fire but I decided to stick by his side because I know that is what I would have wanted him to do for me. But so much for caring and loving someone. So much for trying to be a "good friend." I did my part, but he stabbed me in the back.

Then turned around and took pictures smiling and laughing like it was all good and gravy. Do you not care that I need your friendship? Do you not care that you PROMISED to be my friend and support me? 

Even in my pain I still don't wish ill will on his life, but I do pray that God reflects this entire situation back into his face, spirit, and heart so he can see what he feels like to be/feel abandoned...

He knew that I didn't know anyone. He knew that I didn't have my foot good in the door yet, but because he saw God moving more quickly in my life than in his he got jealous. DUDE! I looked up to you! You inspired me to seek God even more than before. When I had one foot in the door and one foot in the church you wanted to be with me. But now that I am all on fire for GOD you don't even want to be my friend? 

Wow. What happen to the man that told me that I had to go to church every Sunday? What happen to the man that told me that "I am the head and not the tail." That prayed with me with almost every single night. That helped me stop drinking and cursing so much and "fed" me scriptures. Where is that man at? That man who put and kept GOD first?

I don't want to be friends with a fake, wannabe gangsta, thug, rapper whatever! That's not you. You are wise, humble, funny, kind, intelligent and strong. You treat people with respect and you care about other people. You want to help everyone and you get mad at yourself when you can't... God has called you to be so much more. 
But, you run from your calling because you don't want the "responsibility" and you don't feel like dealing with the "pressure!" DUDE! You are a man! God built you to endure it! Your souls' salvation is on the line and the more you sit on your praise for God and turn your back against him and act indifferent like you don't care...all of those things you will be held accountable for on the day of judgement. 

If your shoe was on my foot, I would be held accountable too! We all ARE going to be regardless! That's why I'm making such a big deal about us finally forgiving one another and moving on. We don't have time for this silent treatment game. Jesus Christ can come back at any time. WE need to make sure we have our souls' right with the, Lord before that time arrives.  

I know that you can go back to being the man who stared me in the eyes and asked me "DO YOU TRUST ME?" That's the friend I want in my life... The friend who kept God first and never let me forget it.  

If I didn't care I wouldn't be making such a fuss. I don't just drop kick people to the curb when I tell them I love them. That's cruel. You prayed that God would make me sweet, kind and meek and now that he has finally cleaned me up you don't want anything to do with me? how much sense does that make? 

You prayed that GOD would remove me from "your space" and then GOD opened the door for me to live in a nice big house and you got jealous and mad at me? DUDE! How much sense does that make? NONE! NONE! NONE!

Are you trying to tell me that all of that was a front to get me? Does your silence and absence in my life say that you lied about loving GOD? That you were faking the whole time????????????

Even if we weren't suppose together or are not suppose to be together right now or whatever, still keep in touch as my friend. You can be friends and talk to everyone else but you can't seem to find two minutes out of your day to text me or call me just to say hi?

How do you go from, I love you almost every single day to nothing at all. To no text. No calls. Nothing. 

But even though you did me dirty, I still pray for you. I still pray that God opens all the doors that he wants you to walk through. I pray that you are safe. Not being able to protect you, kills me, but I know that God can protect you far better than I ever could...

I don't hate you, I never could... I just wish I could apologize to your face and let you know how much I love you. Not with eyes of the flesh and not in a romantic way, but with the love of Jesus Christ that has grown so much in me since I first got here. 

I pray every day that you come back into my life and that we can forgive one another and be friends again. Friends that encourage one another in their walks with Christ. Come back, man of God. You are missed.