Reclaiming Of Life: "Get Your Happy"

I guess, wanting to live your own life and make choices that make you happy is what some would call: rebellion.

I spent too much time watching people who I looked up too and even considered to be friends, mentors and advisers make the same mistakes over and over. Yet, when I made a similar mistake they would tear me down and criticize me. So, I had to get tough. I accepted everything they said as truth. I didn't get any second opinions nor did I do any research on the topic. I just assumed that because they were in my life, they were older and had my life experience that they knew best. I also assumed that they had my best interest at heart...

But, then I started to notice something unusual...

Kings Don't Share Castles

When you are in college it makes sense to share an apartment with someone because you two are on the same page and trying to get your life in order. I can even understand being in master's school and sharing an apartment too. 

But, after you get out in the real world any real man who claims to be "grown" should pay all his own bills and be the king of his own castle. If they don't they are not a real man. They are not a king.

I Have the Power To Make Myself Happy What About You?

Often, times when people are insecure they reveal themselves to you in the most unpleasant of ways. People who have self esteem issues tend to say things like:

"You made me feel this way..."
"You did this to me..."

I can pin point people like that because I use to say those very same things when someone would do something that I did not like and or did something that "hurt" my feelings. 

Realities of the Fashion World (Seen & Heard)

I want to be in a position where I am in control of what I create. 

I am tired of people, taking my beautiful and magical ideas and downplaying them for their entertainment and or sick twisted pleasure of just being miserable creatures and wanting to add discord where none needs to be...

"I'm Just Being Realistic: Sad Generation of "Men"

I had to take a very small break from focusing on the modeling and singing so that I could reflect on a pattern that I have noticed the decline of...

How To Drive A Manual... (Learn Quick, Stay Alert)

I officially found the courage to actually practice trying to drive a manual and let me say that the experience was: 

Powerful. Powerful. Powerful.

Patterns Of Things Undone

When you know that your life is not your own, you tend to think in a variety of perspectives that society will not understand. I rarely speak in public because I know that most people have a basis opinion about most things in life to begin with. Why waste my breath on those that will not listen? I know what it is like to be on both ends. I simple just don't like wasting my time.


I see a pattern of "things undone" in the lives of other people. I partly, feel that people have things in their lives that are undone because they are waiting for me to help them get organized. Yep, *sigh* I help people get their lives in order. I notice detailed patterns (of bad habits) , (etc) and I call them out with the intention of making them aware (or reminding them if they were not already aware) that they can not have a peaceful and or better life with their life out of order and unorganized.

It seems like I never meet people when they are prosperous and doing well in life. I always meet them right after something life altering has happen to them. Why couldn't I have met them when they were doing well in life, had everything organized and up and running in order? Why couldn't I have met them when they were are their best, loving life and getting things done? Why do I have to be the protector, adviser, navigator and motivator? It is a lot of stress on one person, especially if that person doesn't have a habit of being involved in the lives of others on a daily basis.

Please, don't get me wrong I enjoy "speaking life into others" but dang! All I'm around are people who are sick, broke, unorganized, depressed (etc) and it makes me think, were these wonderful people always like that? And if they were not, then why did I have to meet them now? Why could I have not met them back then? When they were living life, having fun...when they felt that the world was in their hands?

People think I'm joking when I tell them, I feel as if I have a duty. A duty that I can not run from or shake or even take a vacation from. The longer I wait or put it off, the more people who will need my attention. What for? I have no clue, because I'm just a lady that loves God and has a passion to help others. And that is all. I can not make money come out of my ears, or heal a sick body with a hug. No. I am not Jesus. But, I do have the love of God in me. And maybe that is what others are attracted too...

I am a firm believer that God can organize a life. Yet, sometimes I feel that he does not always snap his fingers and set thing in order because he is testing us. How much can we take before we break? And what do we need or what words need to be said in order to bring us back to life again?

Sunday January 10th 2015: Awaiting Activation

I should have written this, the same day but oh well who cares!!!
Sunday January 10th 2015, I was suppose to help sing at a church service. GOD knows I love to sing. If I couldn't sing I would die. No lie. Prior to that event there was one similar to it and I was on time, but everyone else was running late. So, I thought this time would be the same (should never assume lol) but nope, EVERYONE else was on time and I was running late. So I missed my opportunity to sing.

That service was normal. I didn't leave it feeling changed or renewed, but little did I know that later on that day I would encounter another service that would not only offer another perspective, but also bring confirmation.

For, awhile I have felt like I have been sitting, like "waiting in a waiting room." And what the guest speaker at Reaping The Harvest Christian Church spoke to my spirit...
This is a summary, not verbatim:

Being hungry to praise, love and be used by God to speak to his people is like a solider waiting to be deployed. He or She won't know the time or day of deployment, they just have to be ready to go when it is time to go.

The scripture was Acts Chapter 1:8 and the title of the sermon was:

Awaiting Activation

I didn't expect to attend a second service that Sunday. I was going to go home and take a nap, to be honest. But I was glad I went because for the longest time I have been "sitting around" "waiting" for some kind of change, sign, command etc so that I can finally start walking in the GREATNESS that is my life. So, I can finally start changing lives with prayer, a hug or a song. I was born to save lives, even if all I can do is one of those three things I mentioned above.

I felt like that service was confirmation for to get started on all the project ideas I have, also to possibly start the prayer line that I know would help a lot of people.
We will see...

The Glamorous Life: On The Backs of Broken Dreamers

How wonderful would it be if you were first, instead of last. If when you walked into any restaurant, boutique, car lot etc you were waited on "hand and foot." A world where you never heard NO unless it was in reference to unfavorable situation or person that could harm your life. How amazing would it be, to never have to worry about where your next meal would come from or how you would pay your bills. How awesome would it be if you saw instant results lifestyle changing results after a day? How would you feel if everywhere you went people knew your name? VIP everywhere you go, everything is on the house because you are a celebrity.

How awesome would it be if you could shut down a whole street, city, nation in your honor? Where people saw the sight of you and they celebrated not only because of you but also because of all the accomplishments you made? Where someone actually cared about what you said, did or even thought about. How awesome would it be if you were rich, famous and live a glamour, luxurious life. Where you had everything you needed and wanted at your finger tips? How wonderful would it be if you were first, instead of last. If when you walked into any restaurant, boutique, car lot etc you were waited on "hand and foot."

Reflection: Virginia (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 2)

When you go from one extreme to the other, from not thinking that much about God to thinking and passionately sharing everything you know and learn about God with everyone who is willing to listen. 

You tend to look at yourself and everyone around you differently...

As I said in the first blog, this time last year I was praying to go home. The strange thing, that all my prayers did nothing because when God was ready for me to go home everything lined up perfectly... 

I tried to go home about fifteen different times, prior to actually leaving. 

So that is safe to say, you can pray all you want, but if what you ask for does not line up with the will of GOD, it will not happen. 

So, I learned to live realistically. No more hopeless romantic. No more giving people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone has an agenda. "Everyone lies."  

I use to think that if I loved enough, treated people with kindness and respect that good karma would always follow me. I made it my best effort to "live to be a blessing" only to have my love and efforts stepped on. 

So, if you ask me if I believe that a man and woman can love one another unconditionally. The answer is NO. Anytime you want someone to "be with you" you will always compromise some part of yourself to "keep" them. It is inevitable. 

When I became realistic about my walk with God, I started to feel more powerful. You see, in VA I had a lot of fun praising God. But I praised him from a fractured place. A place where, if I didn't focus my attention and time only on God I would have lost my mind. 

I use to be preachy the way most of the people I know are becoming. I use to tell people that God is so good. Well, since He is why don't you go find out just how GOOD GOD is? 

During that time, I tried to start a business that failed miserably. I started the business while I was in VA because I thought it would be a quick way to make enough money to pay my rent at the time. But, as soon as I started to get things going tragedy hit and the young man that introduced me to the business died of a blood clot to his heart. 

I never met the young man in real life, but we were pen pals since college. Always encouraging one another to be and do better in life. I never had a friend pass away. The fact that he was my friend opened my eyes to see just how cruel this world is. He left behind his little girl and a whole town of people who loved and respected him dearly. Bless his soul. He always tried to help when he could. 

He was an excellent listener.

Death Of Innocence: Rise of the Queen

These last months are the most reflective. This time last year I was in Virginia, trying to make sense of the chain of events that took place. I wanted to die. But, my need to live outweighed it all. I asked for help, but most of the Christians thought I was just another "troubled" black girl, with no family and no one to love her. That is when I realized that it may not even be atheists or muslims etc that separate a nation, but weak spirited "sweep" crap under the run and pretend that it doesn't exist so called: Christians. 

Just because you go to church, praise God in-front of other people and are old enough to give words of wisdom doesn't mean that you are a true follower of Christ. I admit that I'm not living right, so yeah I have no room to judge but at least I'm honest about where I am in my "spiritual Journey" and not sneak around pretending to live this Oh, so holy moly life. *Cough* *Cough* But, I digress.

Love Life

People like to be in love for the wrong reasons. "I'm lonely." "I'm bored." "I want kids..." etc After much reflection I have decided that attachements are unnecessary. They only hold you back from reaching your full potential. Why? Because you are constantly worried about them or it leaving you or ending. 

I use to be a hopeless romantic, always wanting for a Prince Charming to come and swisk me away on a white horse! I use to be that girl, that would write poetry, love songs, love letters etc to the young man that I was OH SO smitten with, only to have him rip it in my face, then drive away laughing. As if, it was the most funniest comedic skit they had ever witnessed. 
I use to be that girl, that would stay up waiting for him to call me all night and even the next morning and day, only to find that he had already MOVED ON!

So, after coming back from Virginia, I vowed that I would be about business. I would make enough to take care of myself and my family (god family included, because they have been there through a lot of my changes.... I owe them so much more than I can give them right now. But I will be able to pay them back as they rightfully deserve, one day soon).

In VA I tried to fit in, I tried to be "natural" and dress down. I tried not to wear makeup. I tried not to BE ME! I wanted to be accepted. I needed validation. I needed to know that I was needed, since my boyfriend at the time dump me on the side of the curb like I was trash. I would call or text and ask him to help and he would say shit like, "that' s not my problem." 
Sometimes I wish that I would have died out there, that way my blood would always be on his hands, but I didn't die in the flesh. I died in the spirit and because I put all my trust and hope and entire ESSENCE into GOD, I was preserved for the glory of GOD and I'm stronger for it. 

I don't have time to be in love. I'm about meeting people who are ready to build and secure an empire. 

Family Life

I use to be respect and admire, my ex boyfriends' parents because I thought they were serious and honest "Christian folks." But, once again the joke was on me. 

They are fake. How can you tell someone else to live their life, or give advice when your own son doesn't take your advice. REALLY? So, let me get this straight, you teach and preach the word but your household isn't even in order. You can't even control your own son but you want to tell other people or give advice to other people on how to live their lives? Get real... please... I'll pass. 

He talks back to you and have little to no respect for you and yet, I was the problem, not him. Yeah... I wish I was who I am now, back then they all would have seen a different side that they could have thrown stones at... 

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I learned not to be so trusting. Never give your entire heart to a man and never assume that just because someone is Christian that their intentions are pure. 

I did the best I could with what I what I knew and with what I had left to work with. And that's all there is to say.... the end. 

No Room For Failture (Launch Me Into GREATNESS)

The one thing I learned is that you can't wait for other people to be ready to help you make your dreams come true. You have to get up and do it yourself.

If I would have waited for someone to keep their word about helping me "get to the top" I would have never taken the first step. Also people go through things, I understand.

I'm tired of being on the backburner. I watch everyone else climb to the top of the mountain. I'm the best hand of cards they have, but they never use me. So, from here on out I only want to associate with a team of people who want to help me bring out my highest potential and Launch me into Greatness.

I'm ready to put my work in. Now that I have a few things in order I’m taking matters into my own hands, the business woman, the model and the talent.

No Room For Failure

People describe success in a variety of ways. Your idea of success could be that you graduated college, bought a new house, or had your first child.

My success is finally having the money to make things happen in my life. A prime example is the modeling (creative art) thing.

People constantly tell me, "you should model" or ask me "do you model?" But, let us stop and think about this for a minute: To model, you need money, so you can invest in yourself (you are the product), pay for gas to travel to all the auditions and casting calls and pay for pictures etc. If you don't have a job, then you don't have the money to do all of that (unless you have a sugar daddy or you’re born into money...). The end goal is make money from this modeling thing. I have in the past yet, 20 dollars here and 40 bucks here for little snippets of exposure but I have been ready to go beyond.

 

 

I'm finally in a place where I have

1. The confidence

2. The money

3. Transportation and

4. The opportunity.

I may not be Tyra Banks, but I will get to be on the cover of a magazine and in a few top, high quality fashion shows. Remember, I don't want my name associated with anything that isn't top quality. That's just how I am. And if that means I have to wait for the right opportunity then I will.

Some people might be turned off by the new photos because they are a bite more "mature" and "sexy." But, I'm a grown lady. Also, with being a working, grown lady I finally have a say in what I choose to do with my modeling career.

So many people in the past, made promises to help me, get me exposure, but what good is exposure if it is not a national level where millions of people can see you. The whole point is for "exposure" is to be SEEN, what good will it do you if your just seen in little ol' Raleigh. NO, I want national exposure because there is SOME designer out there who I have yet to meet, who will fall in love with my look. I believe it, that I will sign with a top modeling and talent agency and it will all work out for my good, for glory of God.

This is the new me and I love it! No Mary Poppins and No Plain Jane live here.

Missing My Grandma: Welcome To The Party You Never Showed Up For

I feel very alone. I miss my grandmother very much, but each time I try to go back home something always happens to where I never can make it there. 

This is my situation: 

1. The person who brought me here abandon me. 

2. I'm stuck in a place where I don't really know anyone. 

3. I don't have any of my family nor friends here. 

4. I don't have a car to get to the places that I need to go. 

5. This is my first time being out on my own like this. 

6. I need a lot of support and encouragement

7. The person who brought me here stopped supporting and encouraging me. 

If you look at those 7 things, the first thing you might think is, "dang that's messed up!" Trust me every person that I share this part of my testimony with, says the same thing. There is no way around it. There is no way to put a pretty bow on it and make it look nice. 

But, what is worse is that the people who swear up and down that they love God, well they knew about them doing me dirty and did nothing about it. They sat back and watched them treat me bad. 

They laughed. They made jokes at my expense. The entire time while they were doing this, I was steadily praying for them, so that their situation could be made right. And lo' and behold not much longer after they were re-united with the love of their life, while I was losing mine. 

I tried to tell people in my new "Christian family" about what was going on and they would just sweep it under the rug and laugh it off like it was no big deal. They would have felt really bad if a suicidal spirit jumped on me and took me under and I ended up killing myself. But to God be the glory for giving me the strength to overcome. To God be the glory for sending "spiritual parents" to guide me to scriptures that were able to feed my spirit to keep me from being overtaken by negative spirits. 

When I tell you that the spiritual battlefield is real. 
I mean exactly what I say. 

Building The Ministry

God is everywhere. So pray anywhere. It is one of the most truest statments (if I have it correctly lol) that one could hear. Let, me say this now and get this out of the way though: I AM NOT A PERFECT PERSON. I AM CONSTANTLY LEARNING SOMETHING NEW ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHERS.

Tonight was my first information session for the business that I have been blessed enough to start. I'm learning a lot. The presence of God was certainly in the atmosphere.

I actually found myself nervous, uncomfortable and even a little bit scared! Why? Because all those people were so confident in who they were and in and in God. And for once in my life, I felt like I had reverted back to the first days of pre-k where you walk into a strange knew classroom and you are looking for the first happy and friendly face you see, so you can sit next to them. Thank God that I had people there that I already knew, because if I would have had to go alone I probably would not have went.

The other revelation that came to me is that as building the "business" is much like building the ministry. See, I keep getting distracted by all the things that essentially don't matter. It doesn't matter what hairstyle I wear today, it doesn't matter that I have to wear the same high heels because 1. my boots are in NC and 2. I haven't bought any new ones. It doesn't matter what she and he said about me because I posted something online that they did not agree with. GET OVER IT! We are not always going to agree. Also, if my page offends you that much, then delete me. God will send more friends in my life. A lot more. I'm not worried about that, anymore.

But, when I stepped back from all the things that I was so focused on I realized that none of it led back to God. I spent hours trying to figure things out that were beyond my understand.

The behavior of people: Is not meant to be understood. A lot of people try to give a physcial reason for why so and so acted that way. When the only explanation can only be explained in the spiritual. But, if you tell a scientist that (and yes, I do have a tendecy to revert back to that I think that is the part that God wants to cut off from me, because it makes me arrogant and a "know at all...lol" they will argue with you until the cows turn blue. haha

The whole point of me being here is so that I can learn how to build my ministry. Ever since I came here all I have been doing is "taking classes" to grow me closer to GOD and help me learn lessons in "humility" and "patience." How will people ever want to seek God, if they don't see any of the fruit of his spirit reflected in me? Feel me...

So, I have to go through the "crushing" because the way I was, was pushing people away from Christ. I was missing the whole point. The whole point is not for me to be seen or heard. It for the love, light and beauty of GOD to be seen through me and for him (GOD) to speak through me.

It "feels" like a lot of responsibility and it is, because when God sends me people that he wants me to minister to I have to obey or I'm going to be held accountable. Not only that, I feel loved and special that God would even pick me to share his love with his people. There are a lot of people that applied for the job or that are more qualified than I am, but out of many he chose a few and I am one of the few. It is an honor, and that's the way I have to start always looking at it. Even when I'm going through the fire