You Are The Life of The (((PARTY)))

I have not been able to write in this blog in awhile.

Here are some things that are going on in my life, that I hope that someone out in the "real world" can understand...

Everyone wants to laugh (hee hee haa haa) when things are going great. It is always a fun time when the party is in motion. But, what happens when the party is over and it is time to clean up? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the stinky beer rings on your table, floor and chairs? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the throw up from too much drinking, the blood from the fights and organize your home back to the way it was? 

I refuse to let people come into MY LIFE and trash it with their insecurities, their failures, broken promises and lies. 

"Oh, I don't lie..." Really? Anyone who says they don't lie. Is a liar. Everyone tells a lie a some point in their life. But you should 

NEVER

EVER

EVER

EVER

EVER
LIE 

TO THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT

YOU

THE MOST

From Suicide To Champion: God is Joy, Peace and Hope

There comes a time in your life when you have to stand up for something or you will fall for anything. That statement could never be more true. 

1. I don't go out of my way to bother other people. 

2. I try my best to make sure that before I am take care of, that others have what they need first. 

2. Sometimes people expect too much out of me. They expect me to always be sweet, nice, kind, patient and all the things that they see in fairy-tales. But: I AM HUMAN. 

I get mad. 

I make mistakes. 

How To Drive A Manual... (Learn Quick, Stay Alert)

I officially found the courage to actually practice trying to drive a manual and let me say that the experience was: 

Powerful. Powerful. Powerful.

The Warrior's Spirit: ***Love is Art***

***Love Is Art***

Many of the changes that occurred, I was not prepared for. This whole "go with the flow" thing never really worked for me until now. I like adventure, but I like organized adventure. But LIFE didn't care what I liked. I got thrown in the water and either had to swim or sink.

Maturity: Love That Heals

I Forgive myself for allowing you to make me upset. 

I forgive myself from any and all poor choices made.

I forgive myself for being too giving to a person(s) who didn't care about my life.

I forgive myself for wasting my time.

There is a place where healing begins.
I never thought that Healing was very important.
I also never thought that it would be presented to me in an unconventional way.

Some people pay someone else to listen to their "problems, issues, troubles..."
Some people write, sing, dance: Create.
Then you have some people who just keep their pain to themselves.

The Forever. The Always. The Evolving. (Part 1)

I'm in a different place. The months are moving by so fast, that I barely have time to even blow my nose before the next big "wtf" hits me. If another big "wtf" is about to hit me, at least let it be glamorous and fun. 
The job I had took a lot of my time and attention for about four and a half months. I'm not a big fan of getting up early in the morning, but I did because I knew that the money would help me support my modeling career. 

I love fashion, modeling, style and beauty. When there are opportunities for it I certainly want to be seen. I'm frustrated because I feel like I should be further along in life than I am. I feel like I should be on TV, have a record deal, and or be on the cover of one of the top magainzes in the world. 

Something has to change. 

My love life is wonderful! He treats me like a princess. He is very attentive, thoughtful and patient. Yet, there is something missing from my life. I miss the thrill and the passion behind setting up a shoot, or preparing to walk the runway. I was born to be infront of the camera, yet I'm always so far from it. 

I hate to be bored. If, I feel like my life is getting "stale" I do something, change my hair, do a new makeup style, get a new design on my nails etc just so I can stay free from the monotony that could be my life, if I don't make a conscious effort to fight for diversity. 

I watch shows like HouseofDVF and I think to myself, I hope those girls realize how blessed they are to have the opportunity to be around one of the top designers in the world. 

I'm still waiting for my "glory" moment, when everything just falls into place for my life. When I have a car, a house, a fun, stable permanent job and my modeling career is evolving. 

At this time in my life, I'm not looking to settle down and be a stay at home wife or mother. To those who love being a stay at home, that is wonderful and more power to those women. But, as for me, I want to travel, adventure and passion. I want to do the unthinkable and be challenged by the greatest. To win or lose would be an adventure in itself. I just want to move forward because I know that there is more to life for me. 

Reflection: Virginia (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 2)

When you go from one extreme to the other, from not thinking that much about God to thinking and passionately sharing everything you know and learn about God with everyone who is willing to listen. 

You tend to look at yourself and everyone around you differently...

As I said in the first blog, this time last year I was praying to go home. The strange thing, that all my prayers did nothing because when God was ready for me to go home everything lined up perfectly... 

I tried to go home about fifteen different times, prior to actually leaving. 

So that is safe to say, you can pray all you want, but if what you ask for does not line up with the will of GOD, it will not happen. 

So, I learned to live realistically. No more hopeless romantic. No more giving people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone has an agenda. "Everyone lies."  

I use to think that if I loved enough, treated people with kindness and respect that good karma would always follow me. I made it my best effort to "live to be a blessing" only to have my love and efforts stepped on. 

So, if you ask me if I believe that a man and woman can love one another unconditionally. The answer is NO. Anytime you want someone to "be with you" you will always compromise some part of yourself to "keep" them. It is inevitable. 

When I became realistic about my walk with God, I started to feel more powerful. You see, in VA I had a lot of fun praising God. But I praised him from a fractured place. A place where, if I didn't focus my attention and time only on God I would have lost my mind. 

I use to be preachy the way most of the people I know are becoming. I use to tell people that God is so good. Well, since He is why don't you go find out just how GOOD GOD is? 

During that time, I tried to start a business that failed miserably. I started the business while I was in VA because I thought it would be a quick way to make enough money to pay my rent at the time. But, as soon as I started to get things going tragedy hit and the young man that introduced me to the business died of a blood clot to his heart. 

I never met the young man in real life, but we were pen pals since college. Always encouraging one another to be and do better in life. I never had a friend pass away. The fact that he was my friend opened my eyes to see just how cruel this world is. He left behind his little girl and a whole town of people who loved and respected him dearly. Bless his soul. He always tried to help when he could. 

He was an excellent listener.

The Final Conclusion: Death Of Innocence

I am at a point in my life where I am "doing me." I spent enough time trying to help other people reach their highest potential and now it is time for me to help myself. 
I have been A LOT of reflecting since being back from VA and if I knew then what I know now, things would have been a lot different back then. 
But that is just it... I did not know. 
The story is "played out" some would say, while others would ask, "why do you keep reliving your old pain?" See, they react that way to my writing about the situation because it did not happen to them. 
The entire VA situation was a test and punishment all in one. 

For, one it taught me to never move before Gods' time. 
2. To always go somewhere, where you have at least one family member in the area. 
3. Trust no man. 
4. Try to be prepared for any and all situations 
5. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve 
6. Establish trust, hope, faith and full confidence in GOD only. 
7. Just because it looks "holy and righteous" doesn't mean that it is. 8. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Those skeletons are called testimonies. 
9. Don't date a divorced man that is still hung up on an ex wife he had to put a restraining order against (Of course, I didn't know all of that until I was actually in the situation). 
10. Don't date a man who plays around with his walk with Christ and or uses God as a scapegoat for no longer walking to be in a relationship. 
11. No one can tell you how to have a personal relationship with GOD

I made the mistake of going to my peers thinking that they would help me. But now of them had ever been in a situation like the one I was in, so they didn't know what to do either. What I should have done was go to the elders of the church. But, I didn't and instead of getting support from my most of my peers back then I got whispering behind my back and laughs and indifference to my pain and struggle. 

There were only a handful of true followers of Christ who helped. Imagine trusting someone to help you and then after promising that they would, they dumb you in the middle of nowhere and leave you to fend for yourself in a strange new land that you have no idea how to even begin to navigate. Each time I share this testimony everyone from old men to young teenagers, say that it was "messed up" how he did me dirty like. Wasn't even man enough to put me on a bus and send my ass home (knowing that I didn't have any money because I spent most of it trying to help him out...). 

It was the first time in my life that I truly felt fear. And no matter what I did I could not get home. The entire time I was there after he dump me in the middle of nowhere like I was trash, was praying that he would come back and get me. Would come back and at least be my friend to help me through my tough time... 

But, I sat on that porch for days after the last time I saw him expecting to see his blue honda pull up on the corner and each day he never came back. He left me out there to die. To go crazy. To suffer. To struggle. To walk to the bus stop with holes in my shoes because I didn't have any money after paying my rent to get any new ones. I only had my summer clothes, because I was only suppose to stay for the summer. Work. Then go back home, but I ended up staying through the fall and winter too. It was the loneliest time of my entire life. 

And all, I wanted do was die... 

But, GOD loved me enough to preserve me for his glory. Do I deserve to be saved? No, because I sin and make mistakes like everyone else. But, in doing so God showed me that his love can extend past all my sins and all my mistakes. And that no matter where I am, when I call him he will come to my rescue. 

The sad part is, that the guy I was dating at the time didn't care that I had a family that was worried about me, didn't care that I didn't have any money to feed myself, didn't care that I spent holidays alone. Didn't care about me... And his parents tried to cover it up and or pretend like it didn't happen and or blame me. Naturally they would protect their son. Why would I think, that they would do the RIGHT thing and address the issue face to face? No, I admire them because I thought they were strong Christians, I thought they would give me good advice about how to grow in my walk with Christ. But, what I found is that they ware surface Christians. They don't want to tackle the real issues, they sweep them under the rug and hope they go away... and that doesn't work because overtime the issues will start to pile up and then they start to overflow. 

You can't run from your demons, you have to face them head on. Tackle them with prayer, faith and love until you no longer have them. Not put them in the back of the closet and expect them to disappear. 

Instrument of Warfare: Maturity

I spent a lot of time taking breaks. Being upset at things that I had done, not wanting to accept that in those consequences there were things that I needed to "see." 
I am anger. I am pain. But, I am also Love. 
I believe that scars can be used as fuel to skyrocket us to the next level of Greatness. That sometimes this next level is subtle. It does not need an introduction. It does not need a immaculate parade. 

With wavy stick figure balloon men and princesses that invitingly waving at the children to coax them in a fantasy world of "its all right, because I'm pretty." When reality deems it otherwise. 
I am not afraid of death. Yet, the memories of my death can only haunt me if I choose to stay in them. Happy memories were my death. But, I escaped in the shadows. In the blackness of my heart. 

Accountability means that you are held responsible for whatever instrument of power that you are given or whatever choices that you have made in relation to that power. I begged God to take my heart out. So, I could feel nothing. Become an instrument of war and nothing else. And in me becoming and instrument of "war" God reminded me that, there doesn't need to be a fight.  That not all men were out to destroy me. 

Brutalize and torment my existence with their half ass promises of safety and dedication. When men look at me, I give them a wicked smile. And in that smile it tells them that they don't "want it." Because I'm a mission to "fight" Tango with the Lion of Judah, is what I was trying to warn the members of that community. A male in particular being so adamant that he could "handle me." But, it was I that saw his tears, his failure and his mistakes. It was I, that watched him drown in his own failure. And that was half of the other memory that not only reminded me that I am part human but also of why death was imperative. 

But in the darkness, I was re-introduce to an old friend that I did not want the responsibility of caring for: Maturity. 

Revelation about Beauty: Beauty From Pain

Some women get to be Mary Poppins, Others get to be GI Jane. 

Sometimes you get to pick. Other times life picks for you. 

Glory Be To God: Give Love To Get Love

I thank God for keeping me safe and for providing for me. Glory be to God for his mercies and grace over my life. I thank God for sending his only son to die on the cross for my sins. Without the obedience of his son and the sacrifice of God, I would not be able to have a connection with Abba Father.
                             
SO, here we are going to recap some of the most handsome and beautiful faces. God sent them to love me and to keep a smile on my face while on this journey. And I thank God for each and every one of them! And so, I dedicate this blog to their memory and to always loving them!

Hope you enjoy! I love you!
 

Welcome To The Community: No One Knows Me Here

*Of course I'm a bit insecure, the person who brought me here unexpectedly dropped kicked my life to the curb in a strange new place where I don't know anyone, and then he cut me out of his life.... what am I suppose to do?*

Before I wrote this I had to pray. I need to start praying over every piece of writing, be long or short because I found out that sometimes people might take what I say the wrong way and assume the worst which is, that I don't appreciate their life when I do.

The other thing I learned tonight was that I'm still upset.

I also learned that people in this community don't know why I'm upset or why I act the way I do and so I'm about to let everyone know my reality (not my truth, because only the word of God is truth) so that they can know why I act. I'm a walking testimony. Every thing that has happen to me since I stepped foot in Woodbridge Virginia is apart of my testimony and I'm going to share it.

Chapter One: You don't Mistreat the People you Love

Before I came here, he was so excited to have me here. All we did was talk about how much fun we would have and how awesome it would be for me to meet all his friends. Now we share the same circle of friends and he doesn't even speak to me.

The reason why I'm pissed is because he told my family and god family that he didn't have any money to take me back home, yet I find out that he is going out to eat, buying new clothes and trying to "big ball" again. If anyone needs to get their life, it needs to be him.

See, I'm as "real as it comes." I was never that way though in the past. In the past someone would give me a "reality check" and I would start balling my eyes out. Now, when someone states how they feel. I internalize it, reflect, pray over it and then I draw a conclusion from it. If they really feel that way and I'm really acting that way, then I make every effort to make a change.

The one thing about me, that I told him before he became involved in my life is that "I'm a warrior for Gods love" "Don't tango with the lion..." and "I don't like liars. Be honest." But, what I learned is that people don't like confrontation. Whenever they have the opportunity to either confront the issue head on and apologize and move on in love, they will always choose to run. They don't want to accept that they are responsible for someone else being hurt. God won't honor you hurting his children (your brothers and sisters).

So what's the summary of the story?

I came out here because he said that he would help me get on my feet. He told me my family that he would take care of me. But when he lost his job, that's when he lost his mind. He has never been right since.

Orignially he was all about God, "You are going to church every single day." Fed me scriptures. Prayed with me. Introduced me to his bestie! WHOA! I felt like I had my own little family, for a little there. But, what I did not expect is for me to turn against me. Is for him to take out his frustrations and anger out on me because he was disobedient and lost his job.

I'm at a point now where I don't care if he never talks to me again.

I'm still going to write a book about what he did and everyone is going to know how hateful and mean he really is behind close doors. I'm also going to write about WHAT I DID, so the audience and see how it all played out. I'm going to write about how God started to deal with my heart and how I tried to make it right between us. I'm going to write about how he gave me the cold shoulder out in public.

If I really wanted to tear the roof off of this place, I would do it and not care. If I really wanted to show my behind out and treat him the way he treated me I would have done so a long time ago. But, I was trying to be patient. While he was "doing the most" (as that seems to be a popular term around here) I was praying for him in the corner. Praying for us.

The awesome thing about God is that no matter what situation we find ourselves in he will always send people to guide us through whatever we are going through and that's when God sent his bestie to step in and help get a grip on what was happening.

He dropped kicked my life to the curb, while I'm out in the middle of nowhere, not knowing anyone. And then walked around like it was no big deal. No explanation. Said that he had to "focus on God (using God as a scapegoat) because he was too much of a coward to tell me that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. The worst part is that he broke up with me in a text message. How cowardly in that? Dude get real!

The other thing I learned is this: No one knows me here...

Okay, so it just makes the entire situation that I'm in VALID. Thank you for verifying what I have been saying the entire time that I have been here.

HE DID THE MOST. KNOWING THAT NO ONE HERE KNOWS ME.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TRANSITION.

Then he pretended like none of it ever happen.

But still people were telling me that I shouldn't "talk about it."

How am I going to get help for my situation if no one knows that I need help?

Didn't the Lord say, "ask and ye shall receive?"

I'm ever thankful to God for sending his bestie to step in and be a good friend to me because he sure was not. I needed his support the most and he spit in my face, stepped on me while I was trying to stand on my feet then moved on laughing at me while he stepped all over the pieces of my broken heart.

And I'm suppose to be joyful about that?

But, what comes around goes around... that's for sure. Sure, God gives a mercy and grace, but just because you don't see an immediate consequece doesn't mean that it isn't coming. It might not be as severe as it could be do to mercy and grace, but God will be the judge of that.

The only thing I want now is for God for open a new door so I can move on with my life. Because I see now that he is too mature. I saw him at the holy ghost party Friday night and he didn't say one word to me. I felt myself getting heated, I was about to go up to hi and show my behind out. Scare him off, since he runs from everything anyway, but I didn't do that. I just enjoyed everyone else around me. And I silently thanked God for all the loving people that he placed infront of me to give love back to.

This entire experience will be one that I never forget. I know that God is about to launch me to the next level. I know that God is about to bless my life greatly and abundantly so.

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day: Joy From The Holy Spirit (2)

I admit that I cried on Christmas Eve because the person who I had hope to hear from on that day, well they brought me here but they stopped caring about my life.

So, no text or call to say Merry Christmas. I sent them one but they didn't respond. And you know what, there comes a point where you just have to let people get "tired of being tired." But, when we mistreat Gods children please don't think we are going to get away with it. Moses, got mad at Gods people and hit the rock and all that time that he spent trying to get into the Promise land, all he got to do was see it. But he didn't get to go in all because he mistreated Gods people and was disobedient at the very end. But to God be the glory.
                                

Christmas Eve December 24, 2013
God blessed my life with a friend to hang out on that day. We ate fast good and watched a movie. We made jokes and talked about God. Its nice to hang out with other people who are just as passionate about God as you are.

Sometimes God will send you the people that you least expect to be the most comforting, encouraging or supportive to you. Its our choice whether we receive them as a blessing or not.


Christmas Day: December 25, 2013
I had hope that maybe they would text me and say "Merry Christmas" at the very least, since they didn't saying anything on my birthday. But they didn't do that either. They texted everyone else but not me. And you know what? "What goes around comes around" When other people start treating them the way they treat me, I hope my name and face pops into their skull. So they will realize just why they aren't in the place where they should be or why doors aren't opening fast enough for them.

You can't go around treating people, especially someone that loves you and cares about your soul salvation like crap and except God to just overflow your life with blessings. Even if you get one or two doors open, you are still going to reap the consequences of the negative seeds that you sowed. I know it, because I was on the starting and the receiving end of both situations.

Anyway, my Christmas actually turned out really awesome. Glory be to God. I got to hang out with a very loving woman of God. Who has a heart of passion and would give you the shirt off of her back if she had to. I was really depressed when she called me, but God always know just who to send. If he would have sent anyone else I would not have left my room, my depression was that deep. But, God is awesome. He knows us better than we do.

I got to meet all of her family and they are all very loving and super welcoming and kind. I felt a little bit out of place. I had never experienced so much love in my life. What I learned is that I know how to love others, but I don't know how to receive it. I also learned that the only time I give love is when someone is hurting.

At that point I felt my life take a turn. The family environment is something that I had always wanted in my own life. I never got a chance to fully experience that because God decided to take my mothers' life early and then my "dad" left my life too.

Yeah, the only part during the entire evening that got me was when all the couples were hugging and kissing and taking pictures with one another. That ol' feeling of loneliness started to creep back in. Life is cruel that way, the one thing that I want... to have someone to love, God places me right in the middle of other people being apart of a world that I have yet to plug into.

When I was in that world, I was so happy. But, I didn't seem to have much support. No one seemed to be really happy for me because at the time they were all single. Now that I'm single and they are "boo'd" up, no one cares about my pain.

I'm praying God moves me anyway or at least sends me back home though. I do thank God for sending his loving daughter into my life. He certainly equipped her to keep me "in line." *sigh* I'm just waiting for God to move me somewhere else. The people here have been very nice, but my pain is too great and living here is a constant reminder of the death of my child-like heart. Like I said before the only way I'm still breathing is because of joy from the holy spirit. Glory be to God.



 

The Weekend Before My Birthday: Airplane & NFL

Friday, December 13th 2013

I took my first plane ride to Charlotte, NC for my first NFL football game. The plan ride reminded me just of a roller coaster, at first.

I got to stay in a fancy hotel, called the Omni. I got to be in the city. I got to take a break from my life on the "battlefield" and just focus on enjoying myself.

Saturday December 14th 2013:

I went out to eat. I went to karaoke. I got to dance a little bit.

I met some really cool people. I had a nice time.

Sunday December 15th 2013:

I attended my first NFL football game. The panthers VS. The NY jets.

It was very exciting to see all the carolina fans get so hyped for their team. The staduim was pretty full. I was, of course freezing my toes off, but I told myself not to complain.

Overall Summary:

This entire journey has been the spiritual journey of firsts.

The first time I have been out on my own, completely on my own like no family can come and just pick me up and take me home.

The first time, I'm working, and living in an area that I was not familiar with.

The first time I road a plane.

The first time I attend an NFL game.

The first time I started my own business (two to be exact).

God is certainly working in my life. I'm excited about the new doors that he is opening, has opened. I'm sad that the person who brought me here doesn't want to be apart of the blessings, nor the love.

Today is my birthday. I received a lot of love from just about everyone, even people who I did not think would care that much. But, I was waiting and hoping for that one person to at least text or something. I didn't receive any happy birthday from them at all...

I wanted to cry. I wanted to see them and be like "hey, where ya been?" And in my head I thought they would be singing happy birthday with the rest of the bible study group. But they were not there. It feels very empty without them in my life.

I know that my life does not revolve around them or any man for that matter (except for Jesus Christ). But, the truth is I'm tried of missing them. I'm tired of wishing that things were different. I just want us to be on one accord already, walking in the love, peace and truth of God together. This time giving God all the glory. So that we can move on, in love and flow with the rest of the river. They are the only ones that are disconnected from me. *sigh* It hurts. It was my birthday for, crying outloud. They couldn't put their difference aside for one moment, just to text happy birthday?

But, God is good. Even though a piece of my heart broke on my birthday. God still sent people to give share his love with me. And at this point I don't have time to cry or worry about why they aren't speaking to me. I have a minstry to build. I also have people that need the gifts that God has placed in me. I will pray for them, as I have done ever since I met them. And let God handle the things that I do not understand. So I can do the work that God has called me to do.

 

The Strength Of God Has Brought You This Far...

I'm slightly overwhelmed with emotion at the reflection and revelations I have received as of late. I always knew that God gave me the strength to overcome, but I did not know how much strength he gave me.

I'm not here to paint a fairytale picture, nor lie about events that took place in this journey. I'm here to tell you the truth, about what happen. What I did, what I said, what they did what they said and how we did not focus on God and what our focus should have been, could have been and what our focus looks like now.

God is the ultimate navigator. Every time I tried to do things my way, it may have worked for a day or even a week but as soon as something hit me. I went down and everyone around me was affected. I had to keep in mind that what I do, and also what I say affects those around me. My life is not my own. It never was. God created me to be a blessing to his people. But when I'm stuck in my flesh, selfish and unfocused how can I be a blessing? The answer is: I can't. At that point I become a hinderance and a bother. A "distraction."

I will never forget when they told me that I was a "distraction." It broke my heart because I thought I was helping. But, the truth its not "helping" when you do things that take their attention away from God. Everything should be about God. Everything we say, think and do should be representative of how Jesus Christ lived.

But, I have been here for almost 4 months or maybe a little longer. I spent Thanksgiving here, now I'm spending my birthday and I'll probably be here for Christmas too. Working. Saving money. Trying to get on my feet. God had to cut, my "happy" from me and my idea of "stability" so that I could only see, know and depend on him. He didn't just move me away so that I could focus on him, but he moved me away so that they could focus on God too.

Everything isn't always about us. Each day we interact with people we have the potential to share the love of God in us. It doesn't have to be through speech or ministering. It can be through our actions too. Giving a hug. Being a listening ear. Praying with someone going through a struggle. Be a blessing to someone else's life, not by giving them money (unless the holy ghost leads you too) but by being positive, patient, loving, kind etc and those are the things that will be remembered long after God has moved you from that place.

 

God Wants To Bless His People: Maturity, Time To Rise

Maturity? It is not something that you can keep consciously avoiding. Especially if you are a Christian. We know right from wrong. We know that we are suppose to love our neighbors. We have a guide book, the Truth, the word of God that tells us what pleases God. Yet, even though we know what pleases God we still choose to do the opposite. We have to "rebellious" spirit to the curb in the name of Jesus. And get on one accord with what God says, so he can bless us. He wants to bless us.

Right now I'm in a place of peace. A place of complete connection and peace to God. I'm meeting new people through the start up of my business. I'm thinking like a winner. I'm learning to overcome. I'm chasing after my dreams. There are a lot of things that I want to accomplish between now and let's say 30. I do not want to be sitting around talking about the same ol' things that I am now when I reach that age.

I'm starting my own business. I'm working. I'm making new friends with professionals who are humble millionaires. Wow. They give. They support. They help. They speak life into people and that's really what many in the world need. A light in a dark place. A light of hope.

I'm learning that nothing is impossible with God on your side. Your situation may be unfavorable, but you have to look at what you do have, as oppose to what you don't have. You have to "work with whatcha got." Until God blesses you with something better.

I know that Greater is coming for me. I know that my dreams will come true. But more than my dreams coming true I know that one day (real soon, in the name of Jesus) I will be in a position to be a blessing to other people. I will be in a position to give someone a ride to church.

We need to sow seeds of kindness, during the "crushing" so that when we come out Victorious, we will have a good bountiful harvest to reap from for our celebration of our victory through Christ Jesus, who loved us before any man or women ever knew what love was. Glory be to God. Amen.

 

Spiritual Maturity (Part 1)

When you allow God to take over your heart, mind, body, soul and spirit he can mature you as fast or as slow as he wants to. Sometimes he will keep putting you in the same situation just with different people, to see if you have learned the "theme" of the lesson. Other times he will separate you from everyone and anyone that you use to be "friends" with, to show you that you can only depend and rely on him (God).

God is maturing me at an incredibly fast rate. Since I stepped foot in VA, it was been the Journey of "firsts." I'm reading and mediating on scripture more, attending church regularly and actually give God all my praise now, attending bible study, singing at concert with an awesome community group choir, fasting and praying none stop 24/7.... I'm changed. I'm still changing. Like I said before, this is certainly spiritual bootcamp and I am defintely being prepared for something great.

I wish I knew what it was, but I suppose that if I knew then I would try to help God teach me. Hahaha. God doesn't need my help to do anything. I need his, daily.

Even the people that I thought I was suppose to "look up" too now seem immature to me. I'm gravely disappointed that the people I thought were my friends here, are really not. The hurtful thing is that they smile in my face each time they see me, but I really see their true colors now. Matter of fact I know that they were ones to aid in the entire downfall of my "happiness." All because they were jealous. But, to God be the glory. I don't hold a grudge against them. I still love them. Because even when Jesus knew that Judas was going to betrayed him he still treated him with love.

But, it just makes me more aware now. I'm not like them. I will never be like them and I don't care to be. I like fashion. I like makeup. I like going on adventures and starting projects. And most of all I like to protect all the sheep, not just one or a few. I watch out for everyone. Whoever is most in need, is who I offer to help first. If they accept it. Then wonderful. If not, that is there choice too.

I'm at a point in my life, where I don't have time for the games. The fake friends. If you knew how they were why didn't you pull me to the side and let me know something, instead of keeping me in the dark? But like I said, it doesn't matter. Because I have surpassed all of them in a very unique way and all I'm concerned about is going to the next level in my walk with Christ.

Glory be to God.

 

Child-like Heart Return

God is still cleaning me up, but the changes he has made in me since I have been here so far, are incredible. In order for those changes to be made, he had to strip me of everything that made me glorify my ego and not him (God).

The man I love
(I spent too much time wrapped up in his world and not enough time wrapped up into the word of God. I wanted so much to use my life to protect his life only but God was telling me that I was created to protect, inspire, encourage many lives. When things did not move along fast enough for me I became impatient and my flesh started to control my soul and spirit. Then I loss sight of the purpose. To comfort, love and protect the love of God in him. I failed my task and perhaps me being stuck here is part of that punishment for failing or maybe it is like the "waiting room" in a hospitial. Either way despite all that has happen I still pray for him to have full confidence and trust in God the way he did when I first met him. He doesn't know it and maybe he never will but his passion for God stirred in me a passion to seek God too. And other than him sharing the love of God in him with me, protecting the love of God in me, his passion for God was a gift that helped me find God so that my child-like heart could return)


My modeling opportunities

Opportunities for jobs in high places

He wants me to be humble, to go back to who I use to be. I guess, apparently being "too giving" "too loving" "too kind" was what pleased God, but when I started to see the selfish behind man I became bitter and that's when a spirit of rebellion came over me and I started to fight for all the wrong reasons.

I wasn't fighting to defend the love of God, I was fighting to tear men down. To step all over their hearts the way they did mine. I wanted to revenge. I was angry. But the truth is, that in being that way I ended up hurting myself a lot more. Because I knew better (many of them did too...) and I cared more about love than anything else. It wasn't in my character to be that way and it broke the heart of my child like spirit.

I told myself that I was protecting my heart, which I forced myself to believe. But my intelligence isn't strong enough to protect my child like heart only God can.

I know this entire journey is about God. The faster I figure out what God wants me to do here then the quicker I can go home. I don't like being stuck in a new place where I'm dependent on the kindness of strangers to get me to where I need to go or help me out. But, that's where God has me. The more I complain about it, the worse it gets. So. I stopped complaining.

I also noticed that God placed me around Christian women, many of them are in relationships. And boy! does it suck to be single when I'm around married and relationship folk! Like dang! wish things would have worked out for me! But, to God be the glory! I know that better is on the way. Who is has for me will match me like a glove to a hand and more than that I won't have to ask him to teach him about spiritual warfare or ask him to grow a backbone, or to stand up and be a man. He will be and do these things automatically because he knows who he is through Christ and who he belongs to: God.

 

 

Building The Ministry

God is everywhere. So pray anywhere. It is one of the most truest statments (if I have it correctly lol) that one could hear. Let, me say this now and get this out of the way though: I AM NOT A PERFECT PERSON. I AM CONSTANTLY LEARNING SOMETHING NEW ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHERS.

Tonight was my first information session for the business that I have been blessed enough to start. I'm learning a lot. The presence of God was certainly in the atmosphere.

I actually found myself nervous, uncomfortable and even a little bit scared! Why? Because all those people were so confident in who they were and in and in God. And for once in my life, I felt like I had reverted back to the first days of pre-k where you walk into a strange knew classroom and you are looking for the first happy and friendly face you see, so you can sit next to them. Thank God that I had people there that I already knew, because if I would have had to go alone I probably would not have went.

The other revelation that came to me is that as building the "business" is much like building the ministry. See, I keep getting distracted by all the things that essentially don't matter. It doesn't matter what hairstyle I wear today, it doesn't matter that I have to wear the same high heels because 1. my boots are in NC and 2. I haven't bought any new ones. It doesn't matter what she and he said about me because I posted something online that they did not agree with. GET OVER IT! We are not always going to agree. Also, if my page offends you that much, then delete me. God will send more friends in my life. A lot more. I'm not worried about that, anymore.

But, when I stepped back from all the things that I was so focused on I realized that none of it led back to God. I spent hours trying to figure things out that were beyond my understand.

The behavior of people: Is not meant to be understood. A lot of people try to give a physcial reason for why so and so acted that way. When the only explanation can only be explained in the spiritual. But, if you tell a scientist that (and yes, I do have a tendecy to revert back to that I think that is the part that God wants to cut off from me, because it makes me arrogant and a "know at all...lol" they will argue with you until the cows turn blue. haha

The whole point of me being here is so that I can learn how to build my ministry. Ever since I came here all I have been doing is "taking classes" to grow me closer to GOD and help me learn lessons in "humility" and "patience." How will people ever want to seek God, if they don't see any of the fruit of his spirit reflected in me? Feel me...

So, I have to go through the "crushing" because the way I was, was pushing people away from Christ. I was missing the whole point. The whole point is not for me to be seen or heard. It for the love, light and beauty of GOD to be seen through me and for him (GOD) to speak through me.

It "feels" like a lot of responsibility and it is, because when God sends me people that he wants me to minister to I have to obey or I'm going to be held accountable. Not only that, I feel loved and special that God would even pick me to share his love with his people. There are a lot of people that applied for the job or that are more qualified than I am, but out of many he chose a few and I am one of the few. It is an honor, and that's the way I have to start always looking at it. Even when I'm going through the fire

 

Fill My Cup with Love: Take The Bullet For You

I tried to love them the best way i knew how. I came here seeking fun. I came here thinking that I would "big ball." I thought we would be a "bonnie and clyde." Tag team duo fighting the world together. But I forget one key team player: GOD. The author and chief. The commander. The King of Kings and The Lord of Lords.

And there I was telling God, "I can love him... I'll stand in the gap and intercede on his behalf. I'll take the spiritual beatings. Please put his burdens on me..."

And God, was like "thats a nice gesture, but you arent strong enough..."

And when that realization hit me, at first I was sad, then I was upset then I was furious. Not strong enough, my flesh roar! what do you mean I'm not strong enough?

God wasnt referring to my physical strength, mental or emotional in particular. He was talking about my spirit.

How am I going to stand in the gap for someone with the love of God if I am not filled in spirit all the way, completely with his (God) love?

All I wanted to do was take their pain away. All I wanted to do was protect them from getting hurt. I could feel their pain seep into my spirit. The heaviness burdened my soul, because I could do nothing that would give them hope, or restore their joy because I did not know enough about the word of God.

"How am I going to be a healer in someone else's life when I'm not even filled with the right medicines (the word of God, his love and peace...) to heal myself?

What I learned is that two broken people can't fix one another. They will always be seeking for the other person to validate their life. If they are not confident in God, they will never be satisfied nor fulfulled in their life. They will constantly be looking for a "distraction" from their troubles when they should be focused on God to lead and guide them.

I can say this now, in good faith because I saw who I was before without God leading me, to where I am now with God at the front and center. I will admit that some of the things that the Lord has me doing or being apart of don't make sense, in the moment. But they always do later on, when someone else is life is changed or someone gets saved etc through the struggles, pain and hurt that I had to go through in order to have a powerful testimony to change many lives.

My life is not my own, I knew that ever since I lost my mother. If I am to be about the business of God, I have to take all emotion out of it. Everyone is in need of something, did God equip me with the right tools to help them? If so, then let me help. If not, then let me pray for them so that they can be sent the proper person with the right tools. Amen?

Glory be to God!