Make The Sacrifices: Bring The Vision To Life

People think that because you are beautiful you don't have feelings, emotions, dreams and goals and a family that cares about you. 

Why is it that I go out of my way to care about other people and when shit really gets rocky in my life, those same people are not there for me? 

Whenever I have, I offer. 

Even if I don't have enough for just myself, I still offer. Whomever needs it the most is the one who receives it. 
But when I ask folks to come to my concerts, events or to just be considerate of my space, time, feelings, dreams, goals etc and they brush me off, push me to the side and sweep my wants and needs for "another time" that never arrives.....

I'm tired of being nice to people who don't appreciate me. I'm tired of going the extra mile and putting in the MOST effort only to have someone royal fuck up so bad that it really will take the MIGHTY and POWERFUL name of Jesus to save them!

I'm tired of being tired. 

I'm tired of being young and never being able to go out to have fun. I use to go out all the time with my girl-friends. I use randomly take a walk downtown, find a nice little venue and sit there all night with my little drink that I babysat until I didn't want it anymore. 

I'm tired of giving and getting very little, next to nothing back. I have been through more fucked up relationships than ones that were "great." 

Why would you argue with the ONE person who truly cares about your life? Why is it that I am always cleaning up someone else's mistakes and helping others organize their lives. 

My grandmother and I should be in a house by now. We should be living like the royalty we know that we are. That was my whole goal going to VA, I wanted to establish myself as a serious business woman. I wanted to make money, and then send it back to my grandmother, and my baby cousin.
I was so close too. All I needed was two more weeks, and then grandmother and I would have been chilling in our new home. She would have been safe under my watch, love and care 

I wish more people were considerate the way I am.
I wish more people took the time to think about what they said or did before they reacted?

I wish more people took the time to listen attentively.
I wish more people took the time to care about others peoples' belongings.

Why should I be the only one "thinking before I speak..." or the only one "thinking before I act and or react to something"

Why should I be the only one to apologize for my mistakes?
I'm not going to bite my tongue. Anymore. 
Its not fair to me, and I have waited too long, cried too many tears to just give up now. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a coward. I don't run when shit really hits the fan. I dig deep within my soul and find the courage to keep fighting the good fight and taking the high road. 
But I seem to be the only who cares about doing that....

Maturity: Love That Heals

I Forgive myself for allowing you to make me upset. 

I forgive myself from any and all poor choices made.

I forgive myself for being too giving to a person(s) who didn't care about my life.

I forgive myself for wasting my time.

There is a place where healing begins.
I never thought that Healing was very important.
I also never thought that it would be presented to me in an unconventional way.

Some people pay someone else to listen to their "problems, issues, troubles..."
Some people write, sing, dance: Create.
Then you have some people who just keep their pain to themselves.

The Final Conclusion: Death Of Innocence

I am at a point in my life where I am "doing me." I spent enough time trying to help other people reach their highest potential and now it is time for me to help myself. 
I have been A LOT of reflecting since being back from VA and if I knew then what I know now, things would have been a lot different back then. 
But that is just it... I did not know. 
The story is "played out" some would say, while others would ask, "why do you keep reliving your old pain?" See, they react that way to my writing about the situation because it did not happen to them. 
The entire VA situation was a test and punishment all in one. 

For, one it taught me to never move before Gods' time. 
2. To always go somewhere, where you have at least one family member in the area. 
3. Trust no man. 
4. Try to be prepared for any and all situations 
5. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve 
6. Establish trust, hope, faith and full confidence in GOD only. 
7. Just because it looks "holy and righteous" doesn't mean that it is. 8. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Those skeletons are called testimonies. 
9. Don't date a divorced man that is still hung up on an ex wife he had to put a restraining order against (Of course, I didn't know all of that until I was actually in the situation). 
10. Don't date a man who plays around with his walk with Christ and or uses God as a scapegoat for no longer walking to be in a relationship. 
11. No one can tell you how to have a personal relationship with GOD

I made the mistake of going to my peers thinking that they would help me. But now of them had ever been in a situation like the one I was in, so they didn't know what to do either. What I should have done was go to the elders of the church. But, I didn't and instead of getting support from my most of my peers back then I got whispering behind my back and laughs and indifference to my pain and struggle. 

There were only a handful of true followers of Christ who helped. Imagine trusting someone to help you and then after promising that they would, they dumb you in the middle of nowhere and leave you to fend for yourself in a strange new land that you have no idea how to even begin to navigate. Each time I share this testimony everyone from old men to young teenagers, say that it was "messed up" how he did me dirty like. Wasn't even man enough to put me on a bus and send my ass home (knowing that I didn't have any money because I spent most of it trying to help him out...). 

It was the first time in my life that I truly felt fear. And no matter what I did I could not get home. The entire time I was there after he dump me in the middle of nowhere like I was trash, was praying that he would come back and get me. Would come back and at least be my friend to help me through my tough time... 

But, I sat on that porch for days after the last time I saw him expecting to see his blue honda pull up on the corner and each day he never came back. He left me out there to die. To go crazy. To suffer. To struggle. To walk to the bus stop with holes in my shoes because I didn't have any money after paying my rent to get any new ones. I only had my summer clothes, because I was only suppose to stay for the summer. Work. Then go back home, but I ended up staying through the fall and winter too. It was the loneliest time of my entire life. 

And all, I wanted do was die... 

But, GOD loved me enough to preserve me for his glory. Do I deserve to be saved? No, because I sin and make mistakes like everyone else. But, in doing so God showed me that his love can extend past all my sins and all my mistakes. And that no matter where I am, when I call him he will come to my rescue. 

The sad part is, that the guy I was dating at the time didn't care that I had a family that was worried about me, didn't care that I didn't have any money to feed myself, didn't care that I spent holidays alone. Didn't care about me... And his parents tried to cover it up and or pretend like it didn't happen and or blame me. Naturally they would protect their son. Why would I think, that they would do the RIGHT thing and address the issue face to face? No, I admire them because I thought they were strong Christians, I thought they would give me good advice about how to grow in my walk with Christ. But, what I found is that they ware surface Christians. They don't want to tackle the real issues, they sweep them under the rug and hope they go away... and that doesn't work because overtime the issues will start to pile up and then they start to overflow. 

You can't run from your demons, you have to face them head on. Tackle them with prayer, faith and love until you no longer have them. Not put them in the back of the closet and expect them to disappear. 

Instrument of Warfare: Maturity

I spent a lot of time taking breaks. Being upset at things that I had done, not wanting to accept that in those consequences there were things that I needed to "see." 
I am anger. I am pain. But, I am also Love. 
I believe that scars can be used as fuel to skyrocket us to the next level of Greatness. That sometimes this next level is subtle. It does not need an introduction. It does not need a immaculate parade. 

With wavy stick figure balloon men and princesses that invitingly waving at the children to coax them in a fantasy world of "its all right, because I'm pretty." When reality deems it otherwise. 
I am not afraid of death. Yet, the memories of my death can only haunt me if I choose to stay in them. Happy memories were my death. But, I escaped in the shadows. In the blackness of my heart. 

Accountability means that you are held responsible for whatever instrument of power that you are given or whatever choices that you have made in relation to that power. I begged God to take my heart out. So, I could feel nothing. Become an instrument of war and nothing else. And in me becoming and instrument of "war" God reminded me that, there doesn't need to be a fight.  That not all men were out to destroy me. 

Brutalize and torment my existence with their half ass promises of safety and dedication. When men look at me, I give them a wicked smile. And in that smile it tells them that they don't "want it." Because I'm a mission to "fight" Tango with the Lion of Judah, is what I was trying to warn the members of that community. A male in particular being so adamant that he could "handle me." But, it was I that saw his tears, his failure and his mistakes. It was I, that watched him drown in his own failure. And that was half of the other memory that not only reminded me that I am part human but also of why death was imperative. 

But in the darkness, I was re-introduce to an old friend that I did not want the responsibility of caring for: Maturity. 

Love Doesn't Pay the Bills

Dating is suppose to be fun, but most times for me it ends up being another headache that I don't have enough pills to take to get through. Men nowadays are so arrogant, spoiled, and entitled. They pretend to do the whole "chivalry" route for a whole of 5 minutes then they turn into a complete asshole. 

If you play hard to get then they lose interest and flirt with other girls while you go to the restroom. If you give in too easy then they lose interest in that too. 

Its all about the chase. Fuck the chase. Give it to me straight. What do you want from me? 

When I bluntly ask men that question they get caught off guard because I already know what they want before they think it. Its not like you went on a date with me because you were fascinated by my brains. And its not like you want to see me again because you actually were interested in talking about the theories of human evolution. 

I like it when men try to combat my intelligence. "Oh, I got a point because I stimulated her mind for a second!" No, I gave you that point because I was ten seconds from shutting your entire manhood down. But, its fun when I get to play with my food, every now and then. 

Chapter 3: Call To Greatness (Rise of the Queen) (Part 1)

Chapter 3: 

She had to step down from her position as the Queen because she knew that she was not setting the most "conventional" example of what a woman of God is suppose to represent. 

Gentlemen: Build The Foundation

Gentlemen, you are the protectors of the women and young ladies in your family. They look up to you for guidance and counsel. They look up to you to be the leader. That is why it is very important that your life is in order with the word of God, as well as with the plan that God has for your life. 

God Had Other Plans: Damsel in Distress (No More)

I'm so tired of trying to figure out the "why" to the "situation" that I swear I'm about to lose my mind. Why would any man be that cruel to use God as a means to get close to me? Why would he purposely make a promise to help, drag me out of my comfort zone and then abandon me like that? How does that show love? 

A Blessing To Know: RIP Mark Bunch

As a "Queen through Christ" I often come into contact with a lot of tragedy. I find out on Friday Feb 28th 2014, that my friend Mark Bunch passed away. His death hit a little too close to home for me. 

I remember him being very kind spirited. He had the most positive outlook on life for a man that was apart of the military. He was also very encouraging. He would call to check on me every now and then just to make sure I was okay. He always spoke well of others, was very honest but in a kind way. 

I can't believe that he is gone, because I was just asking him for advice the other day. When I was "stuck" in VA he encouraged me to keep staying positive. He told me that I would be okay. He was right. That's why his passing away hurts me, he was "there" for me when everyone else seemed too busy. I don't have too many man friends who can I say have actually kept their word to me. Mark is a good example of an honest man. That's rare to find these days. 
I thank God I had the chance to be apart of his life and to know him.

RIP Mark, thank you so much for reminding me to stay positive and for being a reminder of a source of strength for me when I lost mine. Love you bunches! 

(Reflection) Adventure in VA: Purpose to Sing

(Reflection)Adventure in VA: the majority of the lady and men folk I met can sing all day. I found a "family" in the community of passionate singers (that was my gift) like myself.

Yet, sometimes when us singers get together it feels more like a competition and some days in my time there that's what it felt like. Competition, Favoritism, and Jealousy. When I'm in a choir I'm there to learn. Even if I'm not that passionate about the song. I enjoy learning it anyway, because there is always something NEW you can take from something unfavorable.

A part of me didn't feel that I had any room to spread my "singing wings." I wanted to much to do more. My spirit was always calling to serve, but as soon as I would get up enough courage to say something about that, then someone else had already taken the "position" or the position was already given to someone else out of favoritism. 

Please, don't get me wrong I love to sing, any music that can be used to edify God, encourage or inspire another life to do better in their own I'm all for. But, favoritism. I'm not for that. How do you know that someone else isn't more qualified for the position? You never even gave them a chance. 

But on another note:

I met a young lady and man who both have excellent classical voices. When I discovered that they could sing like that, I almost choked on my own happiness. lol Wow! people that like classical music like me! Cool! haha

It was a "learning" experience. But, more than that I learned that in order to lead you have to be able to follow and take instruction. You can't be a leader and think you know it all, because God will end up showing you a thing or two that just might blow your mind

Beauty From Pain: Big Blue Exotic Creature (Justice)

Being in Woodbridge Virginia, is a lot to reflect on because the entire experience was a "first time" one. I met some very talented young men and women who are on their way to becoming pastors, preachers, evangelists, teachers of the word etc It was almost like I was in that movie Avatar with those big blue exotic alien looking creatures.

The Truth About My VA Trip: I Hope You're Still Laughing When The Devil Comes Knocking

The reason why I was so upset about the whole "situation" in Woodbridge, VA was not because I felt like he tricked me. Now I know that, that whole setup was by the devil. 

I understood that he needed to get his life in order. No one's life is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. But, nothing that I ever did in life rendered me to deserve what he did to me...
But first, why would you invite someone into your life when your life is not in order in the first place? 

And then second (to point the finger back at me and take responsibility) why did I accept being in his life when I had somewhat of a clue that his life was not in order? I was happy. I was "in love" with who he portrayed himself to be. He played the role of a dedicated, committed Christian man of God, well. The worst part about it was that only one other person besides his parents knew about his true nature. But no one bothered to give me a "heads up." I guess they thought my being in his life would influence him to do right. But no, only God has that kind of power. On top of that if he doesn't choose to be a better man for himself, he will never be. He has to make the choice.... 

The 21 Day Fast Is Over: Come on God, lets go! Been here too long.

I'm ready to move on with my life. I have been here for 6 months and although, I have met some awesome people. I don't feel like I'm going to get much done here, for what I need to take care of. 
I want to go to a place where I can finally use my gifts to their maximum. I like opera and I like classical music. Those two combinations would probably bore most of the community here. 

I miss my grandmother. I miss being around the people that I can vibe with. With the people that I know love and care about me. Many here have been very kind, yes and I'm thankful for their kindness. But, its nothing like having your own family and friends to be around. A lot of these young men and women have known each other from high school or from when the church first got started. So, its awkward to still be in the group when he is not there. I feel like, an abandon pup, that lost its pack and had to tag along with another pack just to be taught how to survive etc...

I honestly, can't believe that I'm still here. I thought I would have either been home by now or moved to Alexandria or even out of the state. But, nope. I'm still here. 

I designated this journey as the: Journey of firsts, because much of what I have been exposed to and or done has been a first time experience. For example I just got done doing a 21 day D****** fast (*ugh* out of all the fasts in the bible it had to be that one, right? <insert sarcasm-why don't you pour some salt on my wounds while your at it. No better yet, just take the knife and stab me in the back in the same place where the wound is, yeah, that's more like it! It really hits the spot! More torture). 

But, that fast is over, so I'm going to make a video blog about all the things that happen to me during the fast and all the changes that I went through during it. 

Anyway: I'm in a poetic mood. I decided to put all of the poems I wrote this morning into this space, so they would all be in one location:

Revelations. Reflections. Words of Wisdom. Advice (part 1)

I seem to have the most to say between 11pm and about 6am in the morning. I don't know why those are the times that I want to talk the most. I'm different in that way. When everyone else is sleeping, I'm wide awake watching the world spin without seeing anything actually move, so to speak. 

If I couldn't write or type, I would probably die. Why do I say that? Because I don't connect much with what society thinks is cool nowadays. I don't even connect with what much of the "Christian community" is doing either. I'm in a category of my own. To understand me, you would have to suffer greatly and most of the young adults here, seem to still be children to me. They have mommies and daddies who kiss their boo boos and put band-aids on their scraped knees. 

We are adults now. Time for many of them to suck it up and walk bold for Christ. Leave the "nest" of security and go into ministry.

Learning How To Speak In Love

Most of the time when I'm around a group of people I'm quiet for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I haven't learned how to speak (in love) constantly, the way most of the other members of the community have. 

My mother was the only one to administer hugs and kisses and the whole thing about "let's talk about it." But after she passed away, I was forced to be my own mom, dad, brother, sister, friend and protector. I use to be very sweet. Very kind. Very loving. You asked me to do anything for you, not only would I do it but I would also go above and beyond to do extra because I knew that it would make you well pleased. A "people pleaser" is what I use to be. Until, "enough was enough." Then to go a step beyond that, until... I was re-introduced to God again. 

More Mature Perspective: Crown of a king, Responsibility of a joker

Marriage sounds like a fun adventure, 

but submitting to a man does not lol

Let me give a small summary: 
Most of the men that I have met (whether during this spiritual journey or not) have always been very weak in their spirit. The littlest thing would set them off or one disagreement would make them break up with me. I don't want to be married to any man who is weak like that. That doesn't make for a sturdy foundation at all. 

The reason why I'm thinking about this so much is because many of the young women in the community I'm currently apart of are engaged or married. I'm at point where I have dated enough "Mr. Almost Rights" to realize that I'm not ready to submit to any man. 
Once I submit to the man that is suppose to be my husband then that means he is in control over me, and he has access to my gifts. And from there is has access to the power behind those gifts as well. 

Its bad enough where I have to go to a job with power hungry men sloths. Always bossing me around telling me what to do, when I leave when I do this or that or what I should be doing. When I already know. Blah blah blah and then after I would have to come home to hear my husband say something like, "you didn't cook." 
Men are naturally selfish and I don't have time for it. 

All they think about is themselves anyway, why would I want to submit to that? But lo and behold if you go around saying things in this community like, " I don't want to be married I just want shoes, clothes, money a big house and a sports car" they will stone you! OH! how dare you not want to give up your power to a man? How rude! How ungoldly for you not to want to get bossed around by your husband. 

I just feel like marriage is nice if God sends you a man that is already on fire for God and walking right, but not all the time God will do that. Sometimes you will meet your husband in the most unlikely situation because together you and him have a powerful testimony that maybe other married couples need to hear, so if they go through it, it will give them hope and guidance on how to better handle the situation, you know? 

But mostly I feel like marriage is a trap for women. Why does he get to call all the shots just because he is a man? How sexist is that? What if I'm spiritually stronger than my husband and I'm doing all the right things, going to church, tithing, fasting and praying and he isn't going to church or he isn't on one accord with me? Do I still have to submit to him? From what I understand of the parts of the bible I read on marriage that answer is YES! 

And its like WHOA! That's why I'm not in a rush to get attached to NO MAN, because so far just dating, men are headache enough. One day this want you. The next day they don't. And its like man dude, get it together already. A lot of men want to play the role of the king but have the responsibility of the joker... 

Beauty: Like A Double-edged Sword

I'm not one to lie or to bite my tongue. If I feel some type of way you will know because I like truth, even if it hurts. The given ability to endure during painful realizations or truths in life, is what makes me strong. I'm still here. I aint dead yet... I still have some fight left in me. And as long as I can fight, then I'm going to praise God will my heart, mind, soul, spirit and body! Praise God like I lost my mind.

I admit that this walk with Christ, is not a "walk in the park." There are days when I want to go back to my old way life. Back to the days when I felt like I was "big ballin!" Going to house parties every weekend, going to the club, having men buy me drinks and other material possessions. Whatever I wanted I could have and all I had to do was be cute and sexy. And it was mine. I still have that power, but it I chose to transform that power when I re-dedicated my life to servering God.

Yes, those days were fun. I was high on life and doing whatever I wanted to do. But, even those they may have been fun. They were also the most sloppiest and tackiest of moments in my life. But, God can transform anyone. From a slave into a Queen or King and that is what he did with me. There are still some rough edges, that God is chipping away.

It is crazy once you find a source that can fill you with intense and immense joy just from making a promise. Nothing in the world can do that, because everything in the world is temporary. People make promises everyday in the world but then they break them. Why? Because they don't care. But who does care? God. In all the mess that I have ever been in God has always opened a door for me to escape. I mean I technically should be dead right now, with all the dumb stuff I put myself in.

Even in this situation I'm in currently. It is only the mercies and grace of the Lord and joy from the holy spirit that is holding my broken heart, and sanity together. Glory be to God. Why? Because I never thought that someone who claimed to love, trust and have confidence in God could be so cruel. How do you go from talking about God, reading me scriptures and taking me to church every Sunday to not speaking to me at all? Wow, that would make anyone trying to establish a strong walk with God get discouraged and possibly backslide. But, even though they weren't walk in Truth, I chose to rise above. To go to a higher level. Not only walk in the Gods' truth, but his peace and love too. All levels are hard, because I can feel things getting easier. I trust that my breakthrough is around the corner. In the name of Jesus.
　

 

 

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day: Joy From The Holy Spirit (2)

I admit that I cried on Christmas Eve because the person who I had hope to hear from on that day, well they brought me here but they stopped caring about my life.

So, no text or call to say Merry Christmas. I sent them one but they didn't respond. And you know what, there comes a point where you just have to let people get "tired of being tired." But, when we mistreat Gods children please don't think we are going to get away with it. Moses, got mad at Gods people and hit the rock and all that time that he spent trying to get into the Promise land, all he got to do was see it. But he didn't get to go in all because he mistreated Gods people and was disobedient at the very end. But to God be the glory.
                                

Christmas Eve December 24, 2013
God blessed my life with a friend to hang out on that day. We ate fast good and watched a movie. We made jokes and talked about God. Its nice to hang out with other people who are just as passionate about God as you are.

Sometimes God will send you the people that you least expect to be the most comforting, encouraging or supportive to you. Its our choice whether we receive them as a blessing or not.


Christmas Day: December 25, 2013
I had hope that maybe they would text me and say "Merry Christmas" at the very least, since they didn't saying anything on my birthday. But they didn't do that either. They texted everyone else but not me. And you know what? "What goes around comes around" When other people start treating them the way they treat me, I hope my name and face pops into their skull. So they will realize just why they aren't in the place where they should be or why doors aren't opening fast enough for them.

You can't go around treating people, especially someone that loves you and cares about your soul salvation like crap and except God to just overflow your life with blessings. Even if you get one or two doors open, you are still going to reap the consequences of the negative seeds that you sowed. I know it, because I was on the starting and the receiving end of both situations.

Anyway, my Christmas actually turned out really awesome. Glory be to God. I got to hang out with a very loving woman of God. Who has a heart of passion and would give you the shirt off of her back if she had to. I was really depressed when she called me, but God always know just who to send. If he would have sent anyone else I would not have left my room, my depression was that deep. But, God is awesome. He knows us better than we do.

I got to meet all of her family and they are all very loving and super welcoming and kind. I felt a little bit out of place. I had never experienced so much love in my life. What I learned is that I know how to love others, but I don't know how to receive it. I also learned that the only time I give love is when someone is hurting.

At that point I felt my life take a turn. The family environment is something that I had always wanted in my own life. I never got a chance to fully experience that because God decided to take my mothers' life early and then my "dad" left my life too.

Yeah, the only part during the entire evening that got me was when all the couples were hugging and kissing and taking pictures with one another. That ol' feeling of loneliness started to creep back in. Life is cruel that way, the one thing that I want... to have someone to love, God places me right in the middle of other people being apart of a world that I have yet to plug into.

When I was in that world, I was so happy. But, I didn't seem to have much support. No one seemed to be really happy for me because at the time they were all single. Now that I'm single and they are "boo'd" up, no one cares about my pain.

I'm praying God moves me anyway or at least sends me back home though. I do thank God for sending his loving daughter into my life. He certainly equipped her to keep me "in line." *sigh* I'm just waiting for God to move me somewhere else. The people here have been very nice, but my pain is too great and living here is a constant reminder of the death of my child-like heart. Like I said before the only way I'm still breathing is because of joy from the holy spirit. Glory be to God.



 

The Strength Of God Has Brought You This Far...

I'm slightly overwhelmed with emotion at the reflection and revelations I have received as of late. I always knew that God gave me the strength to overcome, but I did not know how much strength he gave me.

I'm not here to paint a fairytale picture, nor lie about events that took place in this journey. I'm here to tell you the truth, about what happen. What I did, what I said, what they did what they said and how we did not focus on God and what our focus should have been, could have been and what our focus looks like now.

God is the ultimate navigator. Every time I tried to do things my way, it may have worked for a day or even a week but as soon as something hit me. I went down and everyone around me was affected. I had to keep in mind that what I do, and also what I say affects those around me. My life is not my own. It never was. God created me to be a blessing to his people. But when I'm stuck in my flesh, selfish and unfocused how can I be a blessing? The answer is: I can't. At that point I become a hinderance and a bother. A "distraction."

I will never forget when they told me that I was a "distraction." It broke my heart because I thought I was helping. But, the truth its not "helping" when you do things that take their attention away from God. Everything should be about God. Everything we say, think and do should be representative of how Jesus Christ lived.

But, I have been here for almost 4 months or maybe a little longer. I spent Thanksgiving here, now I'm spending my birthday and I'll probably be here for Christmas too. Working. Saving money. Trying to get on my feet. God had to cut, my "happy" from me and my idea of "stability" so that I could only see, know and depend on him. He didn't just move me away so that I could focus on him, but he moved me away so that they could focus on God too.

Everything isn't always about us. Each day we interact with people we have the potential to share the love of God in us. It doesn't have to be through speech or ministering. It can be through our actions too. Giving a hug. Being a listening ear. Praying with someone going through a struggle. Be a blessing to someone else's life, not by giving them money (unless the holy ghost leads you too) but by being positive, patient, loving, kind etc and those are the things that will be remembered long after God has moved you from that place.

 

Revelation: (Mirror Conversations) THE WOMAN GOD NEEDS FOR HIS PEOPLE TO SEE

I do not write for form nor fashion, nor so that people will like me. I write because I want to show the process of what a walk with Christ can look like. There will be no walk with Christ exactly the same, because we each go through different lessons in life. We each grow differently. But the end is the same, for us to be used for the glory of God.

One of the things that I had to overcome is forgiveness. I thought that if I apologized to them that everything would just be perfect like it was before. But the real test wasn't in apologizing to them, it was in forgiving myself.

I was so hurt by the situation and even more angry at myself for not knowing how to help them. I felt it was my duty to comfort, protect and love them through any and all changes that they went through but instead of doing that I fell prey to my flesh and became selfish and arrogant. They needed a friend, and I covered the love of God in me with pride, selfishness and anger, so that they could not reach his (God) love in me.

I was upset with myself because I couldn't "save" them I didn't know the right words to help them out of their situation. I didn't have enough money to make "it all better." I felt useless. All I could do was sit back and watch them fall into more confusion. I tried to pray, but I wasn't in the right spirit all the time. I was too busy worrying about myself instead of trusting in God to take care of me and attending to what their needs were with the word of GOD.

We have to remember that it is not about us. It is about other people. Every blessing, every gift that God has given us is used to be a blessing to someone elses' life and for the glory of God.

God, blessed me with a heart of empathy, a heart of compassion. A heart to love his people. To comfort and protect and instead of using that gift for good I allowed my flesh to take over and shut it down.

So God had to move me away, not only so he could have their full attention, but also so I could learn how to love his people again.

The process is never easy. There will be tears. There will be times where you may be uncomfortable but trust in God. I can write that now because I'm walking in it. And little by little God reveals to me the things about myself that are holding me back from walking in the fullness of his Greatness.

I can not go back and redo what has been done, but I can move forward with the new revelations that God has given me and apply them to my life currently.

I pray for them daily. I love them with all my heart. I ask God to protect them and heal them. I asked that God go in and fix the mess that I made. Each time we don't act in love, we leave a negative imprint on someone's heart. I pray that God removes that negative imprint that I made on their heart and he restores them to full joy in him and to full confidence and trust in him (God) as well.

I never want to see any of my brothers nor sisters hurt because of something that I allowed my flesh to say or do. That is not how Christ was and if I claim to love God I also must commit to learning how Jesus Christ walked in the love of God, in the peace of God and in the truth of God.

I pray and ask God to fill me with more of his loving spirit. To cut off all things that are unholy, unrighteous, and or unclean in me. I do this because I want to love his people better. So that I never enter into another situation where someone needs my help and I am not able to help them because I'm too weak to fight against my flesh. Before I didn't know much scripture, let me tell you the word of GOD is a must when you are on the spiritual battlefield. That is one of your most powerful weapons. Without it you are "crippled"! Must read it and meditate on it daily.

It is food for your spirit.