The Epic Final VA Conclusion

Final Conclusion: 

Revenge is not something I recommend people get into or even think about. The more you think about that negative spirit. The more you feed it. The more you bring it to life. 

Glory Be To God: Give Love To Get Love

I thank God for keeping me safe and for providing for me. Glory be to God for his mercies and grace over my life. I thank God for sending his only son to die on the cross for my sins. Without the obedience of his son and the sacrifice of God, I would not be able to have a connection with Abba Father.
                             
SO, here we are going to recap some of the most handsome and beautiful faces. God sent them to love me and to keep a smile on my face while on this journey. And I thank God for each and every one of them! And so, I dedicate this blog to their memory and to always loving them!

Hope you enjoy! I love you!
 

The Empty Seat: Love, Faith, Truth

 

 

When you miss someone, you just miss them. There isn't anything you can do about this missing that person if they are ready to receive the love that God has placed inside of you to share, nor the changes that he has made in you.

The more you try to contact them. The more you push them away.

The more you try to understand why they aren't on one accord with the rest of the "team" the more hurt and confused you become.

So. I stopped trying to figure out the "why?" And I started putting my trust in God. Only. There is nothing on this earth that would bring me more joy, than 1. to have Jesus Christ return and 2. To have them back in my life, ready to walk in the truth of God and praise God, better than we did before.

But each walk with Christ is different. I feel as though God has advanced me to "level 5" and now, being here in this "spiritual bootcamp" I have to go back to level one and build the foundation with the word of God.

When I attend the G. Craig Lewis service Friday Decemeber 20th, 2013, I sat next to my "VA spiritual family" but to the left of me was an empty seat. Then there was an older black couple on the other side of that seat. In front of me were two of my favorite people. A couple. Both with smiles that can light up any room and hearts bigger than to sun full of the love of God. Then to the right of me was another couple. If ever I were to be adopted, I think they would adopt me because they are real like myself but they laugh and know how to have a good time as well. All the couples were so filled with joy from the holy spirit.
                                    
I prayed that God would show me that my prayers were being answered, but I was not prepared for the feeling of loneliness that came over me during that event.

I kept looking at that empty seat beside me thinking: "If only they were here. I know they would have a good time. I'm surrounded by all this love, the presence of the holy spirit is here, we have access to truth that we wouldnt' get anywhere else. Where are they? Why are they not apart of all the love and truth that God has given me the opportunity to be apart of. They have the same opportunity too..."

I never found any answers to all the questions I had that night, except for one about leading a ministry. What I found is that technically I can't or it is unwise to lead a ministry without a strong man of God in my life, be it my husband or dad to "protect me." After I found that out I was a little bit bummed out. So I have no choice but to need a man in my life, if I really want to be the leader in something. *sigh* Guess, I better ask God to clean me up so he can send my husband, soon. There are lives to be saved. And people out in the world who need to hear about the goodness and mercies of God, and the teachings of Jesus Christ to restore hope to their lives.

"Get my house in order" that's what Papa Teel says. But, I can't do much without my other half, whoever that is suppose to be.

Revelation: (Mirror Conversations) THE WOMAN GOD NEEDS FOR HIS PEOPLE TO SEE

I do not write for form nor fashion, nor so that people will like me. I write because I want to show the process of what a walk with Christ can look like. There will be no walk with Christ exactly the same, because we each go through different lessons in life. We each grow differently. But the end is the same, for us to be used for the glory of God.

One of the things that I had to overcome is forgiveness. I thought that if I apologized to them that everything would just be perfect like it was before. But the real test wasn't in apologizing to them, it was in forgiving myself.

I was so hurt by the situation and even more angry at myself for not knowing how to help them. I felt it was my duty to comfort, protect and love them through any and all changes that they went through but instead of doing that I fell prey to my flesh and became selfish and arrogant. They needed a friend, and I covered the love of God in me with pride, selfishness and anger, so that they could not reach his (God) love in me.

I was upset with myself because I couldn't "save" them I didn't know the right words to help them out of their situation. I didn't have enough money to make "it all better." I felt useless. All I could do was sit back and watch them fall into more confusion. I tried to pray, but I wasn't in the right spirit all the time. I was too busy worrying about myself instead of trusting in God to take care of me and attending to what their needs were with the word of GOD.

We have to remember that it is not about us. It is about other people. Every blessing, every gift that God has given us is used to be a blessing to someone elses' life and for the glory of God.

God, blessed me with a heart of empathy, a heart of compassion. A heart to love his people. To comfort and protect and instead of using that gift for good I allowed my flesh to take over and shut it down.

So God had to move me away, not only so he could have their full attention, but also so I could learn how to love his people again.

The process is never easy. There will be tears. There will be times where you may be uncomfortable but trust in God. I can write that now because I'm walking in it. And little by little God reveals to me the things about myself that are holding me back from walking in the fullness of his Greatness.

I can not go back and redo what has been done, but I can move forward with the new revelations that God has given me and apply them to my life currently.

I pray for them daily. I love them with all my heart. I ask God to protect them and heal them. I asked that God go in and fix the mess that I made. Each time we don't act in love, we leave a negative imprint on someone's heart. I pray that God removes that negative imprint that I made on their heart and he restores them to full joy in him and to full confidence and trust in him (God) as well.

I never want to see any of my brothers nor sisters hurt because of something that I allowed my flesh to say or do. That is not how Christ was and if I claim to love God I also must commit to learning how Jesus Christ walked in the love of God, in the peace of God and in the truth of God.

I pray and ask God to fill me with more of his loving spirit. To cut off all things that are unholy, unrighteous, and or unclean in me. I do this because I want to love his people better. So that I never enter into another situation where someone needs my help and I am not able to help them because I'm too weak to fight against my flesh. Before I didn't know much scripture, let me tell you the word of GOD is a must when you are on the spiritual battlefield. That is one of your most powerful weapons. Without it you are "crippled"! Must read it and meditate on it daily.

It is food for your spirit.

 

 

Spiritual Journey Two: Home Away From Home

I'm a writer. When something is on my heart, it is on my heart heavy and I have to write in order to relieve my heart of that heaviness. I don't sugarcoat the truth for anyone and I don't expect people do that for me either. 

Deceptions Truth: Example Through Action

I find it very unnerving when I meet men who assume that just because I look at them a certain way or smile at them or give them any attention at all that, that somehow means that I like them more than I really do. 

Instead of just pulling me to the side and asking me, "hey, are you feeling me? or I'm feeling some weird vibes, what's up?" They have to get a pompous, big ass dome, throw a tantrum or parade around like a damn clown. I don't like you. I have already overcome any obstacle you thought you provided. 

My only focus is getting closer to Gods love and truth. 

On top of that I'm happy with the life I have. Don't like the truth. Then tactfully confront me. If that is not something you can do then don't even get offended by this piece of writing and move on with life or get offended and simmer in your own pity party. You aren't affecting my walk with Christ either way. 

Struggle Builds Strong Testimonies

I was starting to think that God was not hearing my prayers until one of my awesome guy friends, we will call him Mr. "J" sent me a text telling me that he met two awesome men of God. I had been praying that God would send him friends that were passionate about God the way he is and lo' and behold God answered that prayer.

When I pray for other people the prayer always gets answered. But when I pray for myself it either takes forever to get answered or it doesn't get answered at all.

I'm in an interesting transition and in this transition I'm starting to learn who my real friends are. It is so odd that a complete stranger appreciates me more than those who I have known for some time.

I can't help that I love people so passionately. That is just my way. But instead of people seeing the good in that, they take it and dirty up my gift to love by saying that I'm "needy" "possessive" "overwhelming" etc All of those speakings are of the devil. There can never be too much love. There barely is any now...

There can be too much care though, which I have recently pulled back on because the more I cared the more I got in the way of their spiritual growth. When I feel that my life is getting in the way of someone else's spiritual walk with Christ I will remove myself for a awhile...even if it hurts me. Because its selfish to block someone else's blessings because of any selfish desires that I may be feeling at the time (loneliness etc).

This life is changing rapidly

I don't have much time to be in this situation, because I feel like God is going to move me soon. Either into another living arrangement within NC or out of the state completely....

I really would like to have my own bed and my room to sleep in for a change. I have been sleeping on the couch for two years now. I thought that I would finally be able to get on my feet when I got my job as a hostess at this new restaurant that opened up down the street. But they didn't like quality... that's the problem around here. They don't like anything or anyone that reminds them that they can do better in life. People in NC are comfortable with floating just above average. They have little desire to strive for their absolute best. But, even if they manage to reach their full potential once in their life, they are too lazy to maintain it... its sad.

So much potential, gone to waste....every day.

I use to look at this stagnant position I'm in as something bad... and yes I do want to "fly away" from this place still. There is no denying that. But now, as I'm learning how to walk in Gods peace I look at everything bad or unpleasant that happens in my life as a stepping stone that will aid in building a strong testimony.

It seems like ever since I lost my mother, all I ever do is scream louder than the next person, cry harder, run faster, jump further just to get my little pinky toe in the door to success.

When it seems like others can just wake up and have everything handed to them. But even those people have a story too. We all do, that's why I like to get to know people for who they are... instead of for the mask that they display to the world.

My life isn't over. I still have a lot more work to do, but I know that I have to heal completely if I ever want to teach people how to walk in Gods love, truth and peace.

The Freakshow: Light Poison Beauty

You get to see who your real friends are, when shit hits the fan. When you are your lowest moments in life and need someone to be there for you. When you go to a friends house just to talk but you find that their door is closed. They aren't thinking about you...

That's another reason why I want to leave NC.

I have tried everything to get a job in this state and for someone reason people here just don't like quality. They would rather pay less for horrible work and have all the stress of having to go back and correct it... than to just pay me to come in and do a quality job and get the job done by its deadline.

I don't know why God has me hidden, but there must be a reason for it. I feel like I should be on a red carpet somewhere. I feel like I should be on runways in New York, Milan and Paris. I feel like I should be more than I'm doing now. Changing hearts and inspiring other people to seek Gods unconditional love. But God has me here...

I wish I knew why....

The only person that really interacts with my life is my grandmother and my god family. The rest of my family members all have their own lives to attend to. No can help me. I try to ask for help, but when I do they just "look" at me like there is something wrong with me.

The truth is that in spirituality I have surpassed all my family members and they can't believe that I changed so much. It makes it hard for them to adjust to the new me. I wish that I had a closer connection with them, so I wouldn't feel the need to seek other people to be apart of my family but I don't connect with them. I'm different. It is what it is.

I really need someone to help me get my life started. I really need someone who is patient and kind to help me understand this thing called: Life. I love my grandmother very much, but there are some new things in life that she just isn't "hip" on. I don't like to burden my god family with my trouble. They had enough trouble in their life from me, in just almost a year. I have changed so much since last may that it almost scares me. What it takes people years to learn I have learned in just a few months.

It is a very lonely life to be in my castle of excellence all alone. God gave me an intelligence that no man can match and the eyes of truth that no man can sneak away from. When people see me coming, they move out of way automatically and they make sure to avoid looking at my eyes.

I feel like a sideshow. I feel like I'm on a rare rose on display, in a glass case for all the world to see but for no one to get close to. Because my intelligence was given to be by God (light) and whenever people get close to me, my intelligence is the light that shines in the dark places of the hearts of men.

I already know what they are going to say/do before they even think it... not because I can read minds but because God gave me the gift of paying attention to detail and being strongly aware of body language. I don't walk around telling people all the gifts that God blessed me with though... because then they will really be afraid of me.

I wish there was one person on this planet who could understand me and appreciate me for who God made me and is still molding me to be.

Dating

 

A lot of men want sweet women. Right?

But when I'm sweet that's when they treat me like crap.

When I'm mean, that's when they like me best.

That's when they want to "chase after" me. Its something about the conquering a challenge that men just can't get over. That's why I don't date nice guys. Because they are too nice to stand up to my intelligence. Their feelings get hurt easy. And then when I am nice to them, they change into assholes.

 

That's why I have always said that there is no such thing as a "nice guy" they are just assholes that wear a smiling disguises until they don't get what they want or until they realize that keeping what they want will be a challenge. Then then that's when the asshole emerges.

 

 

 



 

I don't ask for much. Matter of fact right now I just wanted a male companion that I can talk to about all the chaos that runs through my mind. A male companion that I can crack jokes with... a bestfriend. But even that is hard to find. Because if my intelligence doesn't scare them away then my loving heart seems too...

 

 

I don't know why God made me so loving, yet no one appreciates it. 

Welcome to Royalty: A Virtuous Woman

I took a break from dating, so that I could work on myself. What man of good quality wants to be with a woman that does not have her life in order?

In the past I thought that I had to be loud, in order to be noticed. I also thought that I had to act out of my character just to get a guy to stay in my life and "want" me. But what I discovered is that even though I did attract the men that I found to be "cute" or "sexy" at the time, by acting loud and out of my character; I also found those "cute" and "sexy" guys to be a whole lot of trouble.

Men are trouble, to any woman who is trying to live virtuously.



Why? because most men are driven by carnal desires and they lack self control. They also lack the mind of Christ. Any man that has the mind and walks in the mind of Christ would not thirst and hunger after a woman's body. That thirst and hunger after the body of a woman is called: Lusting.

And men and women do it.

But since I'm a woman and I date men, I can only talk about how men act toward me.

*A Virtuous Woman Is*

 

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband does safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She seeks wool, and flax, and works willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants' ships; she brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is yet night, and gives meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considers a field, and buys it: with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She girds her loins with strength, and strengthens her arms. She perceives that her merchandise is good: her candle goes not out by night. She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretches out her hand to the poor; yes, she reaches forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes fine linen, and sells it; and delivers girdles to the merchant. Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looks well to the ways of her household, and eats not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but you excel them all. Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

 

 

As a queen through Christ living a virtuous life, I can no longer do the things that I use to do. You won't catch me out in the club every weekend(unless it is for modeling purposes to make money...) You won't catch me drinking until I black out.

 

I still have a lot of life lessons to learn in my life. But now I'm learning different lessons because I'm on a different track level, so to speak. Before my lessons were about living right and doing right. But now they are about hearing God and being obedient to his commands and following the path that he has for my life.

 

I'm not going to lie and say that it is easy to stay above mediocrity. Sometimes I get tired of being in my "castle of excellence" all by myself. I want to invite some of my old "party" friends up, so we can throw a party! party! party! But, the truth is I can't because if I do I might invite some unwanted attention aka: negative spirits.  

 

 

When you start living a virtuous life, God changes you in all areas of your life. You slowly stop curing, sense of entitlement diminishes, you walk with confidence, you speak with intelligence. You carry yourself as royalty, not by your own standards but by Gods. 

 

People think that I'm "snobby" because I don't act like a tacky loose woman. Men think that I'm "high maintenance" because I actually have something called: self respect.

 

When they try to spit their game or coax me into doing something that I know is wrong... I tell them NO and I give them a look that would rip the skin off a ghost. A man of God can recognize a woman of God. Light will recognize light. But also just because a man is a man of God does not necessarily mean that he walks with the mind of Christ.

 

That's the part that people forget. Just because people say that you are woman/man of God does not mean that you walk and are active in walking in the mind of Christ.

 

So you can praise God all you want, but if you have a rotten heart it won't do you any good.

 

 

But anyway...

 

I never expected to be a queen through Christ trying to live virtuously. I just thought I would learn about God and go back to church and call it a day... but God had something else in mind for me. He wants me to lead and in order for me to do that I have to live a life that is like Christ, so that I won't misrepresent him when I teach other young woman how they should live too. But only if they want to get closer to Gods unconditional love and truth.