Stop Apologizing For Being Beautiful

I have not written in awhile. I have been busy with interviews and auditions. I refuse to sit back and waste my life talking about my dreams instead of making my dreams come true.

I spent too much waiting for other people to give me permission to tap into my own strength and abilities. I believed that they knew better than myself about myself. I believed they were wise and maybe for that season they were wise but I once again out grew them...

I'm always out growing people. When others are on level one I'm already on level five, for example.

Maturity is difficult to walk in because sometimes it requires you to "think before you speak" and wisely react to unexpected situations, among other things all at the same time. But, it also requires that you walk in confidence too. Something that I never thought I could do.

For example, I'm aware that people think that I am beautiful. But, I use to apologize for being beautiful because I heard things like... "Oh, she thinks she is all that?" "Oh, she is stuck up!" "oh, she is a snob!" Why do you consider me a snob? You have yet to speak to me and you know nothing about me, yet you assume that because I like to dress up and look nice for myself that I'm a snob? Well... guess what that sounds like a personal problem.

I'm no longer going to apologize for being beautiful. 

I'm no longer going to stop dressing up, wearing makeup, singing bold and loud, wearing high heels and standing up for myself because other people are not confident in their own skin to hang out with me and or be around me. I'm no longer going to sit quietly in the corner watching other people live their lives to the fullest while I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out how I can make other people like me or "feel comfortable" around me. If you don't feel comfortable that sounds like a personal problem. I am who I am. Big Personality and All. 

If my beauty intimidates you then you are the one with the insecurity and you should seek God so He can help you find peace with the beauty you were given.  The End. With Love. 

You Are The Life of The (((PARTY)))

I have not been able to write in this blog in awhile.

Here are some things that are going on in my life, that I hope that someone out in the "real world" can understand...

Everyone wants to laugh (hee hee haa haa) when things are going great. It is always a fun time when the party is in motion. But, what happens when the party is over and it is time to clean up? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the stinky beer rings on your table, floor and chairs? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the throw up from too much drinking, the blood from the fights and organize your home back to the way it was? 

I refuse to let people come into MY LIFE and trash it with their insecurities, their failures, broken promises and lies. 

"Oh, I don't lie..." Really? Anyone who says they don't lie. Is a liar. Everyone tells a lie a some point in their life. But you should 

NEVER

EVER

EVER

EVER

EVER
LIE 

TO THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT

YOU

THE MOST

"I'm Just Being Realistic: Sad Generation of "Men"

I had to take a very small break from focusing on the modeling and singing so that I could reflect on a pattern that I have noticed the decline of...

From Suicide To Champion: God is Joy, Peace and Hope

There comes a time in your life when you have to stand up for something or you will fall for anything. That statement could never be more true. 

1. I don't go out of my way to bother other people. 

2. I try my best to make sure that before I am take care of, that others have what they need first. 

2. Sometimes people expect too much out of me. They expect me to always be sweet, nice, kind, patient and all the things that they see in fairy-tales. But: I AM HUMAN. 

I get mad. 

I make mistakes. 

Nah, I'm Done Listening....(YOU LISTEN TO ME NOW)

I'm done "listening..." to talk when you don't make any sense. I gave you the proper tools. I sent the warnings. I did my part, but of course no one ever listens to me until its too late and if you DID listen, then why didn't you apply what I told you? #NOEXCUSE

Every time I listen to someone else's advice for my life, it always ends up holding me back, distracting me, pushing me further back, from reaching Gods best for my life. 

I'm also done listening to pastors, preachers, teachers etc of the "word of God" who don't walk the walk and talk the talk.

I have a realistic walk with God. 
I don't try to be righteous and holier than thou for shits and giggles.
I don't lie to myself about where I am in my journey.
I don't make excuses for not being better than yesterday.

I refuse to give up on my dreams of singing, modeling and writing all over the world. I would love to have my voice heard one day. But, my "old fashion" ideals are not popular. 

But, If I were a lying, materialistic, spoiled chick I would have the world eating out of the palm of my hand. But... I'm not like that. 

Make The Sacrifices: Bring The Vision To Life

People think that because you are beautiful you don't have feelings, emotions, dreams and goals and a family that cares about you. 

Why is it that I go out of my way to care about other people and when shit really gets rocky in my life, those same people are not there for me? 

Whenever I have, I offer. 

Even if I don't have enough for just myself, I still offer. Whomever needs it the most is the one who receives it. 
But when I ask folks to come to my concerts, events or to just be considerate of my space, time, feelings, dreams, goals etc and they brush me off, push me to the side and sweep my wants and needs for "another time" that never arrives.....

I'm tired of being nice to people who don't appreciate me. I'm tired of going the extra mile and putting in the MOST effort only to have someone royal fuck up so bad that it really will take the MIGHTY and POWERFUL name of Jesus to save them!

I'm tired of being tired. 

I'm tired of being young and never being able to go out to have fun. I use to go out all the time with my girl-friends. I use randomly take a walk downtown, find a nice little venue and sit there all night with my little drink that I babysat until I didn't want it anymore. 

I'm tired of giving and getting very little, next to nothing back. I have been through more fucked up relationships than ones that were "great." 

Why would you argue with the ONE person who truly cares about your life? Why is it that I am always cleaning up someone else's mistakes and helping others organize their lives. 

My grandmother and I should be in a house by now. We should be living like the royalty we know that we are. That was my whole goal going to VA, I wanted to establish myself as a serious business woman. I wanted to make money, and then send it back to my grandmother, and my baby cousin.
I was so close too. All I needed was two more weeks, and then grandmother and I would have been chilling in our new home. She would have been safe under my watch, love and care 

I wish more people were considerate the way I am.
I wish more people took the time to think about what they said or did before they reacted?

I wish more people took the time to listen attentively.
I wish more people took the time to care about others peoples' belongings.

Why should I be the only one "thinking before I speak..." or the only one "thinking before I act and or react to something"

Why should I be the only one to apologize for my mistakes?
I'm not going to bite my tongue. Anymore. 
Its not fair to me, and I have waited too long, cried too many tears to just give up now. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a coward. I don't run when shit really hits the fan. I dig deep within my soul and find the courage to keep fighting the good fight and taking the high road. 
But I seem to be the only who cares about doing that....

The LoneWolf Leader: My Choice (Part 2)

It took every ounce of positive energy that I had left in my little fragile body about a year or so ago, not to do the unthinkable...

Yet, when I tried to explain how I felt or what I was going through the people I thought would care the most pretty much told me that it was my "choice" to go to Virginia (so that I could try to start a new life for myself, make money, save money and send it back to my grandmother...). It was my "choice" to believe that another christian would love and care about me, while I was the most vulnerable...

Yes, Yes, I know.

It was my choice.

Just like removing myself from their life was also: MY CHOICE.

Christmas Eve & Day: 2014 Reflection

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day Reflection: 

I guess people don't think that I have a life outside of them. It is not on their time and about what they want to do, then you better be beware of the "guilt you into doing something" monster. 

I have a confession to make: I need to be way more bluntly honest than I have been. Sometimes being "in love" or being in a relationship takes the "bite" out of the stink so to speak and softens you down so much, that you can no longer taste the "kick" in your holiday punch. 

But, that won't be me anymore...

I'm tired of people telling me things at the last minute and then expecting me to snap my magical fingers and BOOM! VA BOOM! I'm ready! At your service, with my slave chains on ready to serve you. 

Even, if I am told about an event in advance that does not guarantee that I will be able to go... why? Because I have a life outside of other people. And in particular I go where I am most appreciated and where I am most peaceful. If, I think there will be drama of any kind, I will not attend. Why? Because, I'd rather watch drama on TV than have it going on in my own life. 

It is hard to think clearly, (properly analyze) when you have a handful of people that complain about everything you do no matter how you do it, or how hard you try. It doesn't matter. IF they don't see you producing immediate results to their liking, then you get to be in the: HOT SEAT. I'm not available for interviews at this time, but when I am... I will let the world know. 

On the other hand, I had a very Soap Opera Christmas eve and a very peaceful Christmas Day. I never had a Christmas where I laughed so much, but I had a wonderful time. Not because I received tons of gifts, but because I got to spend time with people who I don't feel judge me on every little thing and mostly I got to just relax in who God created me to be. Loud, beautiful, dynamic and stunningly charming. 

I believe that 2015 will be a year of: 

#NoExcuses #FinishIt #BuildTheFoundation. 

2014: 

I learned that most times people don't really know what they can handle until they are in a situation that challenges them to look beyond their comfort zone. 

I also learned that no everyone who claims they are a "Christian" is really (trying) to follow Christ. Some people just use Jesus Christ as a ploy to get other people to "follow them" or "like" their facebook statuses. 

Welcome to a perfect world: Where you can be facebook famous for posting stuff that you really don't believe in or where you can take ten million selfies and feel like a celebrity for a day. Please! let us not forget the famous YOUTUBE special where you can get your 15 minutes of fame by doing tacky, obnoxious, even reckless videos and everyone praises you for being an idiot. 

Thank God 2015 is here. I'm ready to see what is next. 

Reflection: Virginia (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 2)

When you go from one extreme to the other, from not thinking that much about God to thinking and passionately sharing everything you know and learn about God with everyone who is willing to listen. 

You tend to look at yourself and everyone around you differently...

As I said in the first blog, this time last year I was praying to go home. The strange thing, that all my prayers did nothing because when God was ready for me to go home everything lined up perfectly... 

I tried to go home about fifteen different times, prior to actually leaving. 

So that is safe to say, you can pray all you want, but if what you ask for does not line up with the will of GOD, it will not happen. 

So, I learned to live realistically. No more hopeless romantic. No more giving people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone has an agenda. "Everyone lies."  

I use to think that if I loved enough, treated people with kindness and respect that good karma would always follow me. I made it my best effort to "live to be a blessing" only to have my love and efforts stepped on. 

So, if you ask me if I believe that a man and woman can love one another unconditionally. The answer is NO. Anytime you want someone to "be with you" you will always compromise some part of yourself to "keep" them. It is inevitable. 

When I became realistic about my walk with God, I started to feel more powerful. You see, in VA I had a lot of fun praising God. But I praised him from a fractured place. A place where, if I didn't focus my attention and time only on God I would have lost my mind. 

I use to be preachy the way most of the people I know are becoming. I use to tell people that God is so good. Well, since He is why don't you go find out just how GOOD GOD is? 

During that time, I tried to start a business that failed miserably. I started the business while I was in VA because I thought it would be a quick way to make enough money to pay my rent at the time. But, as soon as I started to get things going tragedy hit and the young man that introduced me to the business died of a blood clot to his heart. 

I never met the young man in real life, but we were pen pals since college. Always encouraging one another to be and do better in life. I never had a friend pass away. The fact that he was my friend opened my eyes to see just how cruel this world is. He left behind his little girl and a whole town of people who loved and respected him dearly. Bless his soul. He always tried to help when he could. 

He was an excellent listener.

Reflection: VA (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 1)

Imagine if Mary Poppins was a warrior chick instead of a smiling, singing, umbrella flying nanny...

I'm not like Mary Poppins or Plain Jane.

This time last year, I was stuck in Virginia, praying that I would go home. It was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. To be stuck somewhere, where you don't know anyone and where no one can give you the answers you seek. 

I reflect often because I never want to forget where I was, to where God has me now.

The Final Conclusion: Death Of Innocence

I am at a point in my life where I am "doing me." I spent enough time trying to help other people reach their highest potential and now it is time for me to help myself. 
I have been A LOT of reflecting since being back from VA and if I knew then what I know now, things would have been a lot different back then. 
But that is just it... I did not know. 
The story is "played out" some would say, while others would ask, "why do you keep reliving your old pain?" See, they react that way to my writing about the situation because it did not happen to them. 
The entire VA situation was a test and punishment all in one. 

For, one it taught me to never move before Gods' time. 
2. To always go somewhere, where you have at least one family member in the area. 
3. Trust no man. 
4. Try to be prepared for any and all situations 
5. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve 
6. Establish trust, hope, faith and full confidence in GOD only. 
7. Just because it looks "holy and righteous" doesn't mean that it is. 8. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Those skeletons are called testimonies. 
9. Don't date a divorced man that is still hung up on an ex wife he had to put a restraining order against (Of course, I didn't know all of that until I was actually in the situation). 
10. Don't date a man who plays around with his walk with Christ and or uses God as a scapegoat for no longer walking to be in a relationship. 
11. No one can tell you how to have a personal relationship with GOD

I made the mistake of going to my peers thinking that they would help me. But now of them had ever been in a situation like the one I was in, so they didn't know what to do either. What I should have done was go to the elders of the church. But, I didn't and instead of getting support from my most of my peers back then I got whispering behind my back and laughs and indifference to my pain and struggle. 

There were only a handful of true followers of Christ who helped. Imagine trusting someone to help you and then after promising that they would, they dumb you in the middle of nowhere and leave you to fend for yourself in a strange new land that you have no idea how to even begin to navigate. Each time I share this testimony everyone from old men to young teenagers, say that it was "messed up" how he did me dirty like. Wasn't even man enough to put me on a bus and send my ass home (knowing that I didn't have any money because I spent most of it trying to help him out...). 

It was the first time in my life that I truly felt fear. And no matter what I did I could not get home. The entire time I was there after he dump me in the middle of nowhere like I was trash, was praying that he would come back and get me. Would come back and at least be my friend to help me through my tough time... 

But, I sat on that porch for days after the last time I saw him expecting to see his blue honda pull up on the corner and each day he never came back. He left me out there to die. To go crazy. To suffer. To struggle. To walk to the bus stop with holes in my shoes because I didn't have any money after paying my rent to get any new ones. I only had my summer clothes, because I was only suppose to stay for the summer. Work. Then go back home, but I ended up staying through the fall and winter too. It was the loneliest time of my entire life. 

And all, I wanted do was die... 

But, GOD loved me enough to preserve me for his glory. Do I deserve to be saved? No, because I sin and make mistakes like everyone else. But, in doing so God showed me that his love can extend past all my sins and all my mistakes. And that no matter where I am, when I call him he will come to my rescue. 

The sad part is, that the guy I was dating at the time didn't care that I had a family that was worried about me, didn't care that I didn't have any money to feed myself, didn't care that I spent holidays alone. Didn't care about me... And his parents tried to cover it up and or pretend like it didn't happen and or blame me. Naturally they would protect their son. Why would I think, that they would do the RIGHT thing and address the issue face to face? No, I admire them because I thought they were strong Christians, I thought they would give me good advice about how to grow in my walk with Christ. But, what I found is that they ware surface Christians. They don't want to tackle the real issues, they sweep them under the rug and hope they go away... and that doesn't work because overtime the issues will start to pile up and then they start to overflow. 

You can't run from your demons, you have to face them head on. Tackle them with prayer, faith and love until you no longer have them. Not put them in the back of the closet and expect them to disappear. 

To All The: Freaks, Misfits, Outcasts, MisUnderstoods,

I have changed. 

Love found me in the dark. 

And now I have changed. 

Affection desired to know my name. 

And now I have changed. 

It was inevitable. 

Like a promise that is untimely broken.

Established Rules: Single and Never Been Married

As the Queen Through Christ I am a aware of a few things:
1. Is that my life is not my own.
2. That I have a lot of work to do for the kingdom of God. 

Epic Journey: Walking In Your Identity

I tried to be "bad" I tried to be "loud." But bad leads to unneeded soul-ties. It felt like a weight on my soul keeping me from going to the next level. I tried to remain "average" "normal" "regular" so that men would like me. So that the guy I was crushing on, dated, liked or however you want to describe it would stay in my life. 

I tried to be "normal" and "indifferent" and "complacent" so that he wouldn't SEE ME because once he realized who I was, I knew that he would leave. Once he realized that I am a Queen through Christ and that I recognize my self worth, they always leave. 

I ask them to rise to my level. To stand with me in greatness through Christ Jesus. I ask them to battle against mediocrity with me. I ask me to fight against injustice. I ask them if they would take the sunglasses from their face and walk in truth, love and peace with me but all I hear is silence and then I see their back turned toward me. 

When a man comes into my life and "gives up" on me, essentially he says that he is 1. not ready to live a life of greatness and 2. that is he not ready to be a king through Christ and 3. that he is not confident enough in God.

I can not change a joker into a king. They must accept and understand their self worth. They must know that just as Jesus Christ died on the cross for me, he also died for them too. 
It hurts me to see a king, be degraded by this world and fall into a mental trap of the world. See, I know who I am through Christ Jesus. I know that I am the daughter of the most High King, but chose to take a "break" or go on vacation from my position of being a leader. I didn't walk away from God. I never could. I never can. I just needed time for me, to rest, recuperate, relax, before moving on in the journey.

I had some side projects that I started, in which I wanted to be dedicated too. I know that my life is not my own. I know that I am a reflect of the love of God. I know that I am mad to be an extension of the love of God, the peace of God, the strength of God. The problem is just because I am aware of that, does not mean that I know how to WALK in that awareness.

God Had Other Plans: Damsel in Distress (No More)

I'm so tired of trying to figure out the "why" to the "situation" that I swear I'm about to lose my mind. Why would any man be that cruel to use God as a means to get close to me? Why would he purposely make a promise to help, drag me out of my comfort zone and then abandon me like that? How does that show love? 

A Blessing To Know: RIP Mark Bunch

As a "Queen through Christ" I often come into contact with a lot of tragedy. I find out on Friday Feb 28th 2014, that my friend Mark Bunch passed away. His death hit a little too close to home for me. 

I remember him being very kind spirited. He had the most positive outlook on life for a man that was apart of the military. He was also very encouraging. He would call to check on me every now and then just to make sure I was okay. He always spoke well of others, was very honest but in a kind way. 

I can't believe that he is gone, because I was just asking him for advice the other day. When I was "stuck" in VA he encouraged me to keep staying positive. He told me that I would be okay. He was right. That's why his passing away hurts me, he was "there" for me when everyone else seemed too busy. I don't have too many man friends who can I say have actually kept their word to me. Mark is a good example of an honest man. That's rare to find these days. 
I thank God I had the chance to be apart of his life and to know him.

RIP Mark, thank you so much for reminding me to stay positive and for being a reminder of a source of strength for me when I lost mine. Love you bunches! 

(Reflection) Adventure in VA: Purpose to Sing

(Reflection)Adventure in VA: the majority of the lady and men folk I met can sing all day. I found a "family" in the community of passionate singers (that was my gift) like myself.

Yet, sometimes when us singers get together it feels more like a competition and some days in my time there that's what it felt like. Competition, Favoritism, and Jealousy. When I'm in a choir I'm there to learn. Even if I'm not that passionate about the song. I enjoy learning it anyway, because there is always something NEW you can take from something unfavorable.

A part of me didn't feel that I had any room to spread my "singing wings." I wanted to much to do more. My spirit was always calling to serve, but as soon as I would get up enough courage to say something about that, then someone else had already taken the "position" or the position was already given to someone else out of favoritism. 

Please, don't get me wrong I love to sing, any music that can be used to edify God, encourage or inspire another life to do better in their own I'm all for. But, favoritism. I'm not for that. How do you know that someone else isn't more qualified for the position? You never even gave them a chance. 

But on another note:

I met a young lady and man who both have excellent classical voices. When I discovered that they could sing like that, I almost choked on my own happiness. lol Wow! people that like classical music like me! Cool! haha

It was a "learning" experience. But, more than that I learned that in order to lead you have to be able to follow and take instruction. You can't be a leader and think you know it all, because God will end up showing you a thing or two that just might blow your mind

Beauty From Pain: Big Blue Exotic Creature (Justice)

Being in Woodbridge Virginia, is a lot to reflect on because the entire experience was a "first time" one. I met some very talented young men and women who are on their way to becoming pastors, preachers, evangelists, teachers of the word etc It was almost like I was in that movie Avatar with those big blue exotic alien looking creatures.

The Truth About My VA Trip: I Hope You're Still Laughing When The Devil Comes Knocking

The reason why I was so upset about the whole "situation" in Woodbridge, VA was not because I felt like he tricked me. Now I know that, that whole setup was by the devil. 

I understood that he needed to get his life in order. No one's life is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. But, nothing that I ever did in life rendered me to deserve what he did to me...
But first, why would you invite someone into your life when your life is not in order in the first place? 

And then second (to point the finger back at me and take responsibility) why did I accept being in his life when I had somewhat of a clue that his life was not in order? I was happy. I was "in love" with who he portrayed himself to be. He played the role of a dedicated, committed Christian man of God, well. The worst part about it was that only one other person besides his parents knew about his true nature. But no one bothered to give me a "heads up." I guess they thought my being in his life would influence him to do right. But no, only God has that kind of power. On top of that if he doesn't choose to be a better man for himself, he will never be. He has to make the choice.... 

The 21 Day Fast Is Over: Come on God, lets go! Been here too long.

I'm ready to move on with my life. I have been here for 6 months and although, I have met some awesome people. I don't feel like I'm going to get much done here, for what I need to take care of. 
I want to go to a place where I can finally use my gifts to their maximum. I like opera and I like classical music. Those two combinations would probably bore most of the community here. 

I miss my grandmother. I miss being around the people that I can vibe with. With the people that I know love and care about me. Many here have been very kind, yes and I'm thankful for their kindness. But, its nothing like having your own family and friends to be around. A lot of these young men and women have known each other from high school or from when the church first got started. So, its awkward to still be in the group when he is not there. I feel like, an abandon pup, that lost its pack and had to tag along with another pack just to be taught how to survive etc...

I honestly, can't believe that I'm still here. I thought I would have either been home by now or moved to Alexandria or even out of the state. But, nope. I'm still here. 

I designated this journey as the: Journey of firsts, because much of what I have been exposed to and or done has been a first time experience. For example I just got done doing a 21 day D****** fast (*ugh* out of all the fasts in the bible it had to be that one, right? <insert sarcasm-why don't you pour some salt on my wounds while your at it. No better yet, just take the knife and stab me in the back in the same place where the wound is, yeah, that's more like it! It really hits the spot! More torture). 

But, that fast is over, so I'm going to make a video blog about all the things that happen to me during the fast and all the changes that I went through during it. 

Anyway: I'm in a poetic mood. I decided to put all of the poems I wrote this morning into this space, so they would all be in one location: