R-E-A-W-A-K-E-N-I-N-G: Rise Of The Queen

I'm in a new place now.

Stronger

Wiser

Faster

Resilient

Comfortable In My Own Skin

I would say about, 8 months ago, all I wanted to do was die.  I couldn't think I could not function, my entire life revolved around "why me?" I felt defeated, raped and robbed of my joyful spirit. But, I knew that it was my own fault. I had to take responsibility for being so easily deceived. The devil tricked. Yeah, asshole got me. I didn't even see it coming. But, I realized that everything happens for a reason and that everything that is negative was turned around for my good.

I don't have any regrets about what I did, said, did not do or say while I was in VA, but every sleepless night, every tear, every moment of confusion led me to where I am today: peaceful. But cautious.

You see, I will never put another man on a pedestal again, nor will I ever allow a man to use his "resources" to allure me away from the flock. I was so happy to meet a man that I thought was about that "christian life." I thought him being about that life, would ignite a new passion in me to be about that life too. But it wasn't his desire to be about it that ignited my passion for God again, it was his (their) betrayal, the injustice, the murder of my child like spirit.

Every setback. Every stab in the back. Every sleepless night. It is all used for my good.

I had no choice but to delete many of the "family" that I met in VA from my Facebook because I was in a dark place. A very dark place. Such a dark place, that satan himself could have asked me to marry him and I would have said yes... yep, that dark. 

I had to cut them off, so I could focus and so that I could protect them from the anger and the hate that I felt toward and about that situation. I recently added a couple of the faces that I most admired back into my life. I only added the ones that were mature enough to understand what the "fight" is all about. Spiritual warriors for Gods' Love. 

The ones who don't run to mommy and daddy every time they get a scrape on their knee. You're a grown ass man/woman stop sucking on your mothers nipple and pick up a weapon and learn how to defend yourself. 

Stop blaming your screwed up life on other people. You made the choice to marry that person, or open your legs to that man and to have a baby with him. So now you deal with the consequences. 

Just like I made the choice to believe that they could be trusted.

We all make choices. But I don't run from my consequences. I face them head on, with complaints, without complaints. But I never give up and I never stop fighting. 

Yeah...I guess, I figure that if I had to learn how to fight out in a new place, on my own then others should learn how to too, because sooner or later their parents will leave this earth and they will be faced to meet the claws of injustice that rapes the world as we speak. 

Love Doesn't Pay the Bills

Dating is suppose to be fun, but most times for me it ends up being another headache that I don't have enough pills to take to get through. Men nowadays are so arrogant, spoiled, and entitled. They pretend to do the whole "chivalry" route for a whole of 5 minutes then they turn into a complete asshole. 

If you play hard to get then they lose interest and flirt with other girls while you go to the restroom. If you give in too easy then they lose interest in that too. 

Its all about the chase. Fuck the chase. Give it to me straight. What do you want from me? 

When I bluntly ask men that question they get caught off guard because I already know what they want before they think it. Its not like you went on a date with me because you were fascinated by my brains. And its not like you want to see me again because you actually were interested in talking about the theories of human evolution. 

I like it when men try to combat my intelligence. "Oh, I got a point because I stimulated her mind for a second!" No, I gave you that point because I was ten seconds from shutting your entire manhood down. But, its fun when I get to play with my food, every now and then. 

Established Rules: Single and Never Been Married

As the Queen Through Christ I am a aware of a few things:
1. Is that my life is not my own.
2. That I have a lot of work to do for the kingdom of God. 

God Had Other Plans: Damsel in Distress (No More)

I'm so tired of trying to figure out the "why" to the "situation" that I swear I'm about to lose my mind. Why would any man be that cruel to use God as a means to get close to me? Why would he purposely make a promise to help, drag me out of my comfort zone and then abandon me like that? How does that show love? 

Beauty From Pain: Big Blue Exotic Creature (Justice)

Being in Woodbridge Virginia, is a lot to reflect on because the entire experience was a "first time" one. I met some very talented young men and women who are on their way to becoming pastors, preachers, evangelists, teachers of the word etc It was almost like I was in that movie Avatar with those big blue exotic alien looking creatures.

SO! You Want To Be A Leader???

I'm learning a lot about myself in this journey of "firsts." The only person that I can self reflect on is me. If, I want those around me change or have a more positive energy in their lives, then I have to be a source of positive energy, does that make sense? 

I know how to lead, but I don't know how to lead a team. Normally, when I put myself out there people just follow me or copy after what I want, but when I realize that they are following me then I take myself out of the spotlight and hide. 

I don't like people to copy off of me. I want everyone to be themselves and be original. But, since I'm called to reflect Christ, there is NO ME. It is only the fruit of the spirit of GOD that other people need to see me walking, talking and living in. 

Here are the fruits of the spirit: 

I think right now, I'm learning how to walk in love, peace and joy. See, I know how to lead when it comes to business, like getting a team college project done or doing a company team portfolio project! Hands down! I gotta it! Now I just have to transfer that same passionate spirit, to learning how to be about the Lords' business. 

Sometimes I let what is troubling me show on my face. In other words I don't really have a good poker face. haha When something isn't right in my spirit it will certainly show on my face! 

When people do me "dirty" and I KNOW that they did me dirty but they walk around like nothing ever happen, it will certainly show on my face. I don't like liars. I don't like cowards. 

With that said... I have to learn that everyone is at a different level in their spiritual walks. Some are on level one and others are on level 8. I also have to remember that there are also levels of maturity. As long as I stay grounded in the level of maturity that God has me at, then I know that others will eventually (after much prayer lol) rise to my level of commitment and dedication. I have learned to leave my "baggage outside the front door" before I go into choir rehearsal. I try not to bring any worries from the day into my praise and worship and or choir rehearsals. If, I do then I don't feel like my entire attention is on God. 

The 21 Day Fast Is Over: Come on God, lets go! Been here too long.

I'm ready to move on with my life. I have been here for 6 months and although, I have met some awesome people. I don't feel like I'm going to get much done here, for what I need to take care of. 
I want to go to a place where I can finally use my gifts to their maximum. I like opera and I like classical music. Those two combinations would probably bore most of the community here. 

I miss my grandmother. I miss being around the people that I can vibe with. With the people that I know love and care about me. Many here have been very kind, yes and I'm thankful for their kindness. But, its nothing like having your own family and friends to be around. A lot of these young men and women have known each other from high school or from when the church first got started. So, its awkward to still be in the group when he is not there. I feel like, an abandon pup, that lost its pack and had to tag along with another pack just to be taught how to survive etc...

I honestly, can't believe that I'm still here. I thought I would have either been home by now or moved to Alexandria or even out of the state. But, nope. I'm still here. 

I designated this journey as the: Journey of firsts, because much of what I have been exposed to and or done has been a first time experience. For example I just got done doing a 21 day D****** fast (*ugh* out of all the fasts in the bible it had to be that one, right? <insert sarcasm-why don't you pour some salt on my wounds while your at it. No better yet, just take the knife and stab me in the back in the same place where the wound is, yeah, that's more like it! It really hits the spot! More torture). 

But, that fast is over, so I'm going to make a video blog about all the things that happen to me during the fast and all the changes that I went through during it. 

Anyway: I'm in a poetic mood. I decided to put all of the poems I wrote this morning into this space, so they would all be in one location:

Revelations. Reflections. Words of Wisdom. Advice (part 1)

I seem to have the most to say between 11pm and about 6am in the morning. I don't know why those are the times that I want to talk the most. I'm different in that way. When everyone else is sleeping, I'm wide awake watching the world spin without seeing anything actually move, so to speak. 

If I couldn't write or type, I would probably die. Why do I say that? Because I don't connect much with what society thinks is cool nowadays. I don't even connect with what much of the "Christian community" is doing either. I'm in a category of my own. To understand me, you would have to suffer greatly and most of the young adults here, seem to still be children to me. They have mommies and daddies who kiss their boo boos and put band-aids on their scraped knees. 

We are adults now. Time for many of them to suck it up and walk bold for Christ. Leave the "nest" of security and go into ministry.

Missing My Grandma: Welcome To The Party You Never Showed Up For

I feel very alone. I miss my grandmother very much, but each time I try to go back home something always happens to where I never can make it there. 

This is my situation: 

1. The person who brought me here abandon me. 

2. I'm stuck in a place where I don't really know anyone. 

3. I don't have any of my family nor friends here. 

4. I don't have a car to get to the places that I need to go. 

5. This is my first time being out on my own like this. 

6. I need a lot of support and encouragement

7. The person who brought me here stopped supporting and encouraging me. 

If you look at those 7 things, the first thing you might think is, "dang that's messed up!" Trust me every person that I share this part of my testimony with, says the same thing. There is no way around it. There is no way to put a pretty bow on it and make it look nice. 

But, what is worse is that the people who swear up and down that they love God, well they knew about them doing me dirty and did nothing about it. They sat back and watched them treat me bad. 

They laughed. They made jokes at my expense. The entire time while they were doing this, I was steadily praying for them, so that their situation could be made right. And lo' and behold not much longer after they were re-united with the love of their life, while I was losing mine. 

I tried to tell people in my new "Christian family" about what was going on and they would just sweep it under the rug and laugh it off like it was no big deal. They would have felt really bad if a suicidal spirit jumped on me and took me under and I ended up killing myself. But to God be the glory for giving me the strength to overcome. To God be the glory for sending "spiritual parents" to guide me to scriptures that were able to feed my spirit to keep me from being overtaken by negative spirits. 

When I tell you that the spiritual battlefield is real. 
I mean exactly what I say. 

The "Protecting" Spirit: Take A Bullet For You

 

The thing about me is that whenever someone is hurt or sad I instantly go into this "guardian angel" type of mode. Where I feel responsible for bringing them out of whatever dark place they are in. When God moves me away from them, so that I can't help them by praying for them or giving them a hug or making silly faces. It breaks my heart.

I know what its like to suffer. To actually wish and hear myself say that I would rather here a "pretty lie, than the the ugly truth." But, that's only because when you are hurt, sad, depressed and you feel far from God, all you want is something to make you feel better.

Well, I realized that for my loved ones that were hurting (while I was in a good place) all I could do was pray for them. Whenever I see people hurt I want so much to hold them in my arms and absorb all their pain. Just like when I see a child cry, that's the first thing I think of to do, pick them and hold them so they feel loved, comforted and protected.
                             
It is not different with grown men and women, because all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior are my brothers and sisters.

But, like I said God has to move me sometimes, so that they can go through the crushing. The job of carry their cross is reserved for Jesus Christ alone. And when God feels that I'm "protecting" my loved ones too much from their life lessons, spiritual spankings or the "crushing." He will move me away and there won't be anything that I can do about it...

I would have gladly taken all their pain, on myself because I knew that I was strong enough to handle it. I will gladly take a bullet for them, if ever it came down to not just for them but for all my loved ones. That's just the type of person I am, at the end of the day. After all the makeup is off, and I'm finally out those 6 inch heels and in some flats. My hair is tied up and I'm ready for bed. I turn into a big "mama hen." And when people need love. I have enough of it to share. More than enough actually.

When I don't get to share that love, I feel my spirit die a little bit more each time. So, that's why I ask God to send people who not only need love but also those who are ready to receive. Because in the right spirit, I tap into the love of God in me and his love is powerful enough to heal. The love of God melts the bitterness and crust right off. I know it, because when someone else shared the love of God in them with me, that's exactly what it did for me.

And I thank God for that, every day.

Beauty: Like A Double-edged Sword

I'm not one to lie or to bite my tongue. If I feel some type of way you will know because I like truth, even if it hurts. The given ability to endure during painful realizations or truths in life, is what makes me strong. I'm still here. I aint dead yet... I still have some fight left in me. And as long as I can fight, then I'm going to praise God will my heart, mind, soul, spirit and body! Praise God like I lost my mind.

I admit that this walk with Christ, is not a "walk in the park." There are days when I want to go back to my old way life. Back to the days when I felt like I was "big ballin!" Going to house parties every weekend, going to the club, having men buy me drinks and other material possessions. Whatever I wanted I could have and all I had to do was be cute and sexy. And it was mine. I still have that power, but it I chose to transform that power when I re-dedicated my life to servering God.

Yes, those days were fun. I was high on life and doing whatever I wanted to do. But, even those they may have been fun. They were also the most sloppiest and tackiest of moments in my life. But, God can transform anyone. From a slave into a Queen or King and that is what he did with me. There are still some rough edges, that God is chipping away.

It is crazy once you find a source that can fill you with intense and immense joy just from making a promise. Nothing in the world can do that, because everything in the world is temporary. People make promises everyday in the world but then they break them. Why? Because they don't care. But who does care? God. In all the mess that I have ever been in God has always opened a door for me to escape. I mean I technically should be dead right now, with all the dumb stuff I put myself in.

Even in this situation I'm in currently. It is only the mercies and grace of the Lord and joy from the holy spirit that is holding my broken heart, and sanity together. Glory be to God. Why? Because I never thought that someone who claimed to love, trust and have confidence in God could be so cruel. How do you go from talking about God, reading me scriptures and taking me to church every Sunday to not speaking to me at all? Wow, that would make anyone trying to establish a strong walk with God get discouraged and possibly backslide. But, even though they weren't walk in Truth, I chose to rise above. To go to a higher level. Not only walk in the Gods' truth, but his peace and love too. All levels are hard, because I can feel things getting easier. I trust that my breakthrough is around the corner. In the name of Jesus.
　

 

 

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day: Joy From The Holy Spirit (2)

I admit that I cried on Christmas Eve because the person who I had hope to hear from on that day, well they brought me here but they stopped caring about my life.

So, no text or call to say Merry Christmas. I sent them one but they didn't respond. And you know what, there comes a point where you just have to let people get "tired of being tired." But, when we mistreat Gods children please don't think we are going to get away with it. Moses, got mad at Gods people and hit the rock and all that time that he spent trying to get into the Promise land, all he got to do was see it. But he didn't get to go in all because he mistreated Gods people and was disobedient at the very end. But to God be the glory.
                                

Christmas Eve December 24, 2013
God blessed my life with a friend to hang out on that day. We ate fast good and watched a movie. We made jokes and talked about God. Its nice to hang out with other people who are just as passionate about God as you are.

Sometimes God will send you the people that you least expect to be the most comforting, encouraging or supportive to you. Its our choice whether we receive them as a blessing or not.


Christmas Day: December 25, 2013
I had hope that maybe they would text me and say "Merry Christmas" at the very least, since they didn't saying anything on my birthday. But they didn't do that either. They texted everyone else but not me. And you know what? "What goes around comes around" When other people start treating them the way they treat me, I hope my name and face pops into their skull. So they will realize just why they aren't in the place where they should be or why doors aren't opening fast enough for them.

You can't go around treating people, especially someone that loves you and cares about your soul salvation like crap and except God to just overflow your life with blessings. Even if you get one or two doors open, you are still going to reap the consequences of the negative seeds that you sowed. I know it, because I was on the starting and the receiving end of both situations.

Anyway, my Christmas actually turned out really awesome. Glory be to God. I got to hang out with a very loving woman of God. Who has a heart of passion and would give you the shirt off of her back if she had to. I was really depressed when she called me, but God always know just who to send. If he would have sent anyone else I would not have left my room, my depression was that deep. But, God is awesome. He knows us better than we do.

I got to meet all of her family and they are all very loving and super welcoming and kind. I felt a little bit out of place. I had never experienced so much love in my life. What I learned is that I know how to love others, but I don't know how to receive it. I also learned that the only time I give love is when someone is hurting.

At that point I felt my life take a turn. The family environment is something that I had always wanted in my own life. I never got a chance to fully experience that because God decided to take my mothers' life early and then my "dad" left my life too.

Yeah, the only part during the entire evening that got me was when all the couples were hugging and kissing and taking pictures with one another. That ol' feeling of loneliness started to creep back in. Life is cruel that way, the one thing that I want... to have someone to love, God places me right in the middle of other people being apart of a world that I have yet to plug into.

When I was in that world, I was so happy. But, I didn't seem to have much support. No one seemed to be really happy for me because at the time they were all single. Now that I'm single and they are "boo'd" up, no one cares about my pain.

I'm praying God moves me anyway or at least sends me back home though. I do thank God for sending his loving daughter into my life. He certainly equipped her to keep me "in line." *sigh* I'm just waiting for God to move me somewhere else. The people here have been very nice, but my pain is too great and living here is a constant reminder of the death of my child-like heart. Like I said before the only way I'm still breathing is because of joy from the holy spirit. Glory be to God.



 

The Empty Seat: Love, Faith, Truth

 

 

When you miss someone, you just miss them. There isn't anything you can do about this missing that person if they are ready to receive the love that God has placed inside of you to share, nor the changes that he has made in you.

The more you try to contact them. The more you push them away.

The more you try to understand why they aren't on one accord with the rest of the "team" the more hurt and confused you become.

So. I stopped trying to figure out the "why?" And I started putting my trust in God. Only. There is nothing on this earth that would bring me more joy, than 1. to have Jesus Christ return and 2. To have them back in my life, ready to walk in the truth of God and praise God, better than we did before.

But each walk with Christ is different. I feel as though God has advanced me to "level 5" and now, being here in this "spiritual bootcamp" I have to go back to level one and build the foundation with the word of God.

When I attend the G. Craig Lewis service Friday Decemeber 20th, 2013, I sat next to my "VA spiritual family" but to the left of me was an empty seat. Then there was an older black couple on the other side of that seat. In front of me were two of my favorite people. A couple. Both with smiles that can light up any room and hearts bigger than to sun full of the love of God. Then to the right of me was another couple. If ever I were to be adopted, I think they would adopt me because they are real like myself but they laugh and know how to have a good time as well. All the couples were so filled with joy from the holy spirit.
                                    
I prayed that God would show me that my prayers were being answered, but I was not prepared for the feeling of loneliness that came over me during that event.

I kept looking at that empty seat beside me thinking: "If only they were here. I know they would have a good time. I'm surrounded by all this love, the presence of the holy spirit is here, we have access to truth that we wouldnt' get anywhere else. Where are they? Why are they not apart of all the love and truth that God has given me the opportunity to be apart of. They have the same opportunity too..."

I never found any answers to all the questions I had that night, except for one about leading a ministry. What I found is that technically I can't or it is unwise to lead a ministry without a strong man of God in my life, be it my husband or dad to "protect me." After I found that out I was a little bit bummed out. So I have no choice but to need a man in my life, if I really want to be the leader in something. *sigh* Guess, I better ask God to clean me up so he can send my husband, soon. There are lives to be saved. And people out in the world who need to hear about the goodness and mercies of God, and the teachings of Jesus Christ to restore hope to their lives.

"Get my house in order" that's what Papa Teel says. But, I can't do much without my other half, whoever that is suppose to be.

Vengence Is Mine, saith the Lord

I'm still in shock at the events that have taken place so far.

I can't believe that I'm stuck in Woodbridge, Virginia. But, beyond that I still can't believe that he broke up with me at one of the most critical points in my life. Even now, he knows that I am away from my family and my loved ones and yet, he still hasn't reached out to say anything.

I'm not even upset or angry anymore about the whole thing. I'm just in disbelief. Like, how could you treat a person like that? No matter how horrible acting someone was to me, I still wouldn't boot them to the curb knowing that they didn't have any family around to support them.

How could he just give up on me when I needed his support the most? He wouldn't want someone to do that to him. No one should be treated that way.

I can't believe that I'm stuck out here with no family, in the middle of nowhere. I don't have a car to get anywhere with, I'm running out of food and I still have yet to receive my winter clothes. Job opportunities are flooding my inbox but because they are all in Arlington, Maryland, DC etc I can't get to them. I'm running out of money on my metro-card and my entire life is falling apart...

And the person who brought here and promised to stand by my side through all of this, well... he doesn't care that I'm sad, hurting, lonely, missing my family. wow... I can't believe this! And the worst part is NO ONE IS SAYING ANYTHING TO DEFEND ME! They smile in my face on a regular basis, they say how much they love JESUS and GOD, SO if they are so filled with the love of Jesus then why doesn't someone say something to him. They know this situation is MESSED UP! They wouldn't want to be in anything like this! But of course, people don't start caring until it happens to them. I like to see the good in everyone, but even Christians can be selfish.

Wow, I can't wait until I get out of this situation.

That's all I'm praying for. Because I WILL NEVER TRUST ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. Yes, I thank God for his life and for using him to ignite passion in my spirit and soul to get into the word. Yes, I thank God that he used him to get me on the right track to living a righteous life, to being move loving, praying more, leaning on God more. He was the one that brought me to his church in the first place. Told me that I would go to church every single Sunday and while we were together that is exactly what we did.

But, I'm disappointed at how we both allowed our flesh, other people and the devil separate what God put together. We were suppose to praise him while we were together! Thanking God for one another and for every opportunity to excel in life. And we got distracted from the purpose.

It is cruel to live in the same town, go to the same bible study, the same church, know the same people and not have him speak to me. Not a "hi!" Not a "hey! are you okay?" Nothing. Who treats people like that? How does a person claim to love God and then they treat someone indifferently? I reflected on how I acted. It was not godly. But, I repented. And even asked God to give me the courage to apologize to his face. I did. And I thought I would receive the same in return but....yeah.

So, all of those who say "make sure you point the finger at yourself" YOU ARE TOO LATE! I already have.

But, I do know one thing. That God doesn't like ugly. I know because in previous years when I mistreated someone that God placed in my life to love me, not long after bad things started to happen. I couldnt' find a job. My car started acting up. All kinds of drama that I could have avoided if I would have just knew how to rebuke my flesh and walk in love!

No, I don't wish for ill-will on anyone. Those are just examples. But, we reap what we sow. I know both ends of that too.

But, not to put all the blame on him it is my fault too. I read the word, but I was not active in walking in it. I got too excited and moved before Gods' timing.

But, I know that even though he abandon me during this transition that GOD is greater than all of this. And, all I have to do is wait on the Lord to deliver me from this. Forgiveness, is easy that's why I can write about this without a lot profanity and hate behind my words.

I was created to write. I don't run, nor hide, now cower from the truth of what I did and how they reacted to what I did. I admit that I messed up, but I sought forgiveness to his face. And he has yet to do that in my direction. I hope he doesn't think that a text message is a good way to apologize to someone. Because that is just as worse, as if he hadn't said it at all.

So, I'm praying, that we will get past all of this. Forgive one another wholeheartedly. Walk in a unified peace and receive the blessings that God has been waiting to give us, since we were separated. Glory be to GOD!

Building The Ministry

God is everywhere. So pray anywhere. It is one of the most truest statments (if I have it correctly lol) that one could hear. Let, me say this now and get this out of the way though: I AM NOT A PERFECT PERSON. I AM CONSTANTLY LEARNING SOMETHING NEW ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHERS.

Tonight was my first information session for the business that I have been blessed enough to start. I'm learning a lot. The presence of God was certainly in the atmosphere.

I actually found myself nervous, uncomfortable and even a little bit scared! Why? Because all those people were so confident in who they were and in and in God. And for once in my life, I felt like I had reverted back to the first days of pre-k where you walk into a strange knew classroom and you are looking for the first happy and friendly face you see, so you can sit next to them. Thank God that I had people there that I already knew, because if I would have had to go alone I probably would not have went.

The other revelation that came to me is that as building the "business" is much like building the ministry. See, I keep getting distracted by all the things that essentially don't matter. It doesn't matter what hairstyle I wear today, it doesn't matter that I have to wear the same high heels because 1. my boots are in NC and 2. I haven't bought any new ones. It doesn't matter what she and he said about me because I posted something online that they did not agree with. GET OVER IT! We are not always going to agree. Also, if my page offends you that much, then delete me. God will send more friends in my life. A lot more. I'm not worried about that, anymore.

But, when I stepped back from all the things that I was so focused on I realized that none of it led back to God. I spent hours trying to figure things out that were beyond my understand.

The behavior of people: Is not meant to be understood. A lot of people try to give a physcial reason for why so and so acted that way. When the only explanation can only be explained in the spiritual. But, if you tell a scientist that (and yes, I do have a tendecy to revert back to that I think that is the part that God wants to cut off from me, because it makes me arrogant and a "know at all...lol" they will argue with you until the cows turn blue. haha

The whole point of me being here is so that I can learn how to build my ministry. Ever since I came here all I have been doing is "taking classes" to grow me closer to GOD and help me learn lessons in "humility" and "patience." How will people ever want to seek God, if they don't see any of the fruit of his spirit reflected in me? Feel me...

So, I have to go through the "crushing" because the way I was, was pushing people away from Christ. I was missing the whole point. The whole point is not for me to be seen or heard. It for the love, light and beauty of GOD to be seen through me and for him (GOD) to speak through me.

It "feels" like a lot of responsibility and it is, because when God sends me people that he wants me to minister to I have to obey or I'm going to be held accountable. Not only that, I feel loved and special that God would even pick me to share his love with his people. There are a lot of people that applied for the job or that are more qualified than I am, but out of many he chose a few and I am one of the few. It is an honor, and that's the way I have to start always looking at it. Even when I'm going through the fire

 

Prayer For Healing, Restoration: The Time to Love is Now

Dear Abba Father,

You gave me this wonderful gift to see the highest potential in a person, but I sometimes I get so excited that I scare people away with it.

I saw his highest potential the moment that I met him. I knew that you had called him to do, be apart of and see Great things. But, instead of being patient and allowing you to clean him up. I thought I could "help" you, by teaching him how to pray and praise you the way I did. In other words instead of just giving him the tools and telling him how to use them. I gave him the tools and told him how to use them the way I do. What works for me. Did not work for him. But, I was too selfish to see that. I thought I was "helping" when I was actually in your way.

So, I ask forgiveness. I apologize for getting in your way, while you were trying to teach him how to stand as the leader you called him to be. I'm sorry that I put him before you. I'm sorry that I put "us" before you.

I ask that you restore the friendship, relationship and love between us. That you saturate us in your Agape love. That you bring us together as friends for your glory. That you bring us back together fully confident, trusting in you and ready to encourage one another in our walks with Christ. Being lead by the spirit and not our flesh.

If there is anything in our hearts, minds, souls, or spirits' that is stopping us from loving one another with the love of Christ I ask that you remove it in the name of Jesus. If there is anything in and around our lives that is unholy, unrighteous or unclean please cut if off from us in the name of Jesus Christ.

You, Abba Father, are the only one that can heal and restore. You are the only one that can make all things new again. Thank you God for healing and restoring our friendship. For filling our souls with your Agape love, your patience, your kindness and gentleness toward one another.

We can not go back and undo what has already been done, but as long as we have breath in our bodies we still have the chance to love one another as Christ loves us.

We don't have time to stand divided that's why the enemy has so much control right now. We have to walk in your forgiveness, Abba Father and come together and show love to one another. We never know when you will call us home. We never know when our last breath on earth will be. So, I don't want to waste anymore time not loving them, not being their friend, not praying for and with them. They are the only one that, still is hesitate toward me, Abba Father and it breaks my heart because everyone else can see the changes that you are making in me. I have apologized over and over and you even gave me the courage to apologize to their face. Even though they apologize to me through a text message instead of to my face. I didn't make a big to do about it... I just wanted there to be peace between us.

I can not lie and say that I do not love them still, because I do, very much so. But more than that I miss us going to church together and i miss us talking about your word, sharing our reveleations and praying for and with one another. And that is what I want to get back to. Back to being on one accord with you, Abba Father, flowing in your perfect order and Will. Thank you God for restoring us, for your glory. All honor, praise and glory belong to you. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Since When do Alpha Males Throw Tantrums? Get real!

Right now I'm in my flesh. I'm writing from my flesh and not from my spirit.
I'm so tired of meeting men who claim to be the "alpha male" then when things don't go their way they throw a tantrum. They revert to children. The whole time I'm sitting back like "wow and I thought you were the alpha male." Since when do alpha males give up when things get tough and throw tantrums. Men claim they want honesty and communication then they meet me and I'm honest, brutally honest and they can't handle it. So that makes you too weak. He was right, he is too weak for me. Had the look for an alpha male but the spirit of a coward. How does that work?

Instead of just being honest and opening their mouth and saying "When you say that or this it makes me feel uncomfortable please don't talk about that..." They storm off and attend a private pity party. So, you are suppose to be the father of my children? So, you are suppose to be the man that I share my body with and have children with and you can't even look me in the eyes and talk to me? So much for your communication.

And yet, you expect for God to bless you with a wife and children (your own child) when you act like that. Why would God give you one of his most precious jewels to protect when you can't even control your temper? It doesn't matter what was said or did, the point is are you strong enough to look past it and move on with life? Are you going to hold a grudge forever and waste time on being mad, instead of loving and caring about me like you so genuinely stated when everything was going great and flowing the way you wanted it to?

How are you the alpha male when you just give up on people like that? No wonder you are stuck at the same job doing the same thing, because you aren't ready to be a leader. No wonder, you work so hard and bust your ass for nothing because you are not ready to be a leader. It is about attitude. It is about being committed to fighting for the good of the whole and not just yourself. If, you can easily walk away when we are one little fight, I just image how much worse it would be after we had children. I guess, its a good thing that I didn't marry you, because you would have left my ass pregnant with two kids and not knowing what to do because your a coward. No wonder your loved one was taken away because you were not and are not in a position to take care of them anyway. So much for alpha male. Protector my ass.

I was woman enough to admit that I did not speak in love, but even after you yelled at me and said all those hateful things I still didn't give up on you. I still sat there and wanted to talk about it. The messed up thing is that you lied. Now I know that you are a liar and that's one of things I don't put up with a liar and a COWARD.

So, yeah, if you die an old man guess you will know why.

I stayed true to what I said about caring, but I guess that was not enough. That's why I don't give men the time of day, because they all lie, stab you in the back, abandon you, step all over your kindness, throw tantrums then runaway. I HATE MEN! I hate their stupid selfish attitudes. Walking around thinking they own everything. I HATE MEN! Every time a man looks my direction I get UPSET. What are you looking at? Don't even think about talking to me because I don't want to hear it. No good for nothing bum ass loser. Every guy I ever meet is a loser. I keep trying to go for the nice guys because maybe there is "LOVE" there, but NOPE still selfish. How are you 36 years old and you have the maturity of a 15 year old. GET REAL? We had an argument big deal, but you are still butt hurt over it? OH MY GOSH! I'm so done! OLD, YOUNG, BLACK or WHITE it doesn't matter. They are all the same.
.

Realistic Fairy-tale Wedding, Marriage and Life

I want to be with a man who, when I run to him because I need help he says, "baby I'll take care of it." I want my husband to be so rooted in God that the second I step into the room he can tell if I'm in the right spirit or not. I want to look into his eyes and see more than just lust. I see depth, passion, life, joy, hope, strength. When I'm in his arms I want to fall asleep knowing that I'm protected and safe. I want him to be thoughtful, have a heart of compassion for others. I want him to be romantic (not every day of course lol let's be realistic but during those moments when I'm feel particularly needy that's when he needs to come up with something creative to remind me that I'm loved. 

It is very hard to have a life where you don't have any immediate family around you. And yes, there is the church family but at night they go home to their immediate families and I go home alone. Even, the lady I live with I'm very thankful for her life and for allowing me to stay here. 
But I hear her children and grand daughter playing, laughing and talking throughout the house and it makes me sad a little bit in my spirit. That's the one thing that I have always wanted ever since I lost my mother was a family. My own family. I love to love Gods people and when I don't have anyone around to share all this love with, it makes me feel useless and disconnected from God. 

Social Scientist Disclosure: Consistent Patterns Don't Lie

I noticed over the years that when men meet me, they are always so fascinated by how beautiful I am. The beauty is logged into their memory and that is all they can think about capturing. My heart is the last thing they have a desire to protect from the lecherous beasts and vultures in the world. Often times they become the very beasts that I have to fight against. They get so caught up in the beauty that they forget about the love of God in me... it makes me sad, but it is a reality that I can not deny.

God has given me the ability to notice patterns in great detail. My mind never shuts off. Even if I will it, it does not listen. My mind has a "mind" of its' own. I guess you could say.

So, men always start out very excited to talk to me. They want to tell me their whole life story. They want me to understand that they are different than all the rest of the guys and that their promises they will actually keep... but as time goes on, not even days later I start to see patterns of the past. 

1. They start out excited, They send texts saying "good morning", how is your day? Real romantic stuff. 

2. They make an effort 

3. All in love, google eyed

Then they start to recognize who God has called me to be. And they either do one of two things: 

1. They run because they are too weak to handle the strength of God in me.

2. They distance themselves emotionally. Less care and concern for my life. No more cute text messages, no more romantic stuff.

How Much Do You Want More of God? (Call To Ministry Part 2, New Direction...)

I attended a different church this morning. I was lead to attend a small church on the other side of town. The intimacy of it reminds me of reaping the harvest. I was welcomed, but I didn't really feel the presence of the holy spirit there until we started to pray.

I'm use to attending a church where I walk in and the anointing is so high that it immediately cleans up your spirit and the second you step into the door. 

I don't know if I'm biased or if I'm just use to being around strong, highly anointed followers of Christ. Those who are met were kind but they were more of church for outreach, more than a church that teaches about the bible. Also, they are just kind of starting. I'm going to pray about it, of course and if God says so, then I will help out and start their praise and worship team. 

I feel that God is calling me to do more than just praise him. I feel like I'm suppose to go out and talk about how awesome God is and how faithful and merciful God is. But, I'm not sure what direction he wants me to go in with this ministry. 

So I'm praying on that too... 

I'm also praying that God sets things in motions so that I can be married soon. I'm excited about becoming the wife to a wonderful strong man of faith. I wish my family in NC could share in this joy with me. I miss them very much, but I'm sure that he and I will get around to visiting NC soon. 

I'm finally happy for the first time in awhile and I'm not letting anyone steal my joy. He respects the fact that I'm a writer. But most importantly he doesn't try to beat down my intelligence or belittle my passion for God. I was so tired of having to play the hush, hush game. Don't sing too loud. Don't praise God too loud or too much because you might offend or scare someone away... 

IF my passion for GOD is that strong to scare someone away from going to church, then that means they were not truly sold out for Jesus in the first place. There should be no man nor woman that takes you away from your passion, praise and yearning for Gods' truth. 

If I were out in the world, like in the old days all this struggle would not exist. I would have everything that I want and I would be spoiled. Men would flock to my feet and give me whatever I wanted. But, I don't CHOOSE to live my life that way. I want to leave a legacy of Greatness that reflects Gods' love, light and truth. I want something more than just superficial, temporary highs. I know that there is more. And God is the key to that something more...