Reclaiming Of Life: "Get Your Happy"

I guess, wanting to live your own life and make choices that make you happy is what some would call: rebellion.

I spent too much time watching people who I looked up too and even considered to be friends, mentors and advisers make the same mistakes over and over. Yet, when I made a similar mistake they would tear me down and criticize me. So, I had to get tough. I accepted everything they said as truth. I didn't get any second opinions nor did I do any research on the topic. I just assumed that because they were in my life, they were older and had my life experience that they knew best. I also assumed that they had my best interest at heart...

But, then I started to notice something unusual...

I Have the Power To Make Myself Happy What About You?

Often, times when people are insecure they reveal themselves to you in the most unpleasant of ways. People who have self esteem issues tend to say things like:

"You made me feel this way..."
"You did this to me..."

I can pin point people like that because I use to say those very same things when someone would do something that I did not like and or did something that "hurt" my feelings. 

The Warrior's Spirit: ***Love is Art***

***Love Is Art***

Many of the changes that occurred, I was not prepared for. This whole "go with the flow" thing never really worked for me until now. I like adventure, but I like organized adventure. But LIFE didn't care what I liked. I got thrown in the water and either had to swim or sink.

Marriage Is A Ministry: Not A Fashion Trend

Marriage is a Ministry. Not a Fashion trend. 

I have friends, male and female who got married too early in life and not much long after ended up divorced in their middle twenties or  by their early thirties. Why did this happen? Well, there are multiple reasons but mainly I hear:

"We grew a part..."

"We didn't know one another very well..."

"She got pregnant..."

Prayer For Healing, Restoration: The Time to Love is Now

Dear Abba Father,

You gave me this wonderful gift to see the highest potential in a person, but I sometimes I get so excited that I scare people away with it.

I saw his highest potential the moment that I met him. I knew that you had called him to do, be apart of and see Great things. But, instead of being patient and allowing you to clean him up. I thought I could "help" you, by teaching him how to pray and praise you the way I did. In other words instead of just giving him the tools and telling him how to use them. I gave him the tools and told him how to use them the way I do. What works for me. Did not work for him. But, I was too selfish to see that. I thought I was "helping" when I was actually in your way.

So, I ask forgiveness. I apologize for getting in your way, while you were trying to teach him how to stand as the leader you called him to be. I'm sorry that I put him before you. I'm sorry that I put "us" before you.

I ask that you restore the friendship, relationship and love between us. That you saturate us in your Agape love. That you bring us together as friends for your glory. That you bring us back together fully confident, trusting in you and ready to encourage one another in our walks with Christ. Being lead by the spirit and not our flesh.

If there is anything in our hearts, minds, souls, or spirits' that is stopping us from loving one another with the love of Christ I ask that you remove it in the name of Jesus. If there is anything in and around our lives that is unholy, unrighteous or unclean please cut if off from us in the name of Jesus Christ.

You, Abba Father, are the only one that can heal and restore. You are the only one that can make all things new again. Thank you God for healing and restoring our friendship. For filling our souls with your Agape love, your patience, your kindness and gentleness toward one another.

We can not go back and undo what has already been done, but as long as we have breath in our bodies we still have the chance to love one another as Christ loves us.

We don't have time to stand divided that's why the enemy has so much control right now. We have to walk in your forgiveness, Abba Father and come together and show love to one another. We never know when you will call us home. We never know when our last breath on earth will be. So, I don't want to waste anymore time not loving them, not being their friend, not praying for and with them. They are the only one that, still is hesitate toward me, Abba Father and it breaks my heart because everyone else can see the changes that you are making in me. I have apologized over and over and you even gave me the courage to apologize to their face. Even though they apologize to me through a text message instead of to my face. I didn't make a big to do about it... I just wanted there to be peace between us.

I can not lie and say that I do not love them still, because I do, very much so. But more than that I miss us going to church together and i miss us talking about your word, sharing our reveleations and praying for and with one another. And that is what I want to get back to. Back to being on one accord with you, Abba Father, flowing in your perfect order and Will. Thank you God for restoring us, for your glory. All honor, praise and glory belong to you. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Man of GOD(Eyes of Love) Do You Trust Me?

When it was time for me to go back to NC, I was late getting to the bus station. I was scared that I wouldn't make it in time. It was my first time taking a bus to go back home. I was impatient, I was worried. But the entire time Daniel was calm. He was peaceful. Before I got to the bus station, he looked me straight in the eyes and asked me: "Do you trust me?" The worry and angst quickly subsided the moment he asked the question. And gently I heard myself say, "yes." And after that I was peaceful from then on...

The worry left me. The confusion left me.
The only thing I could think about was the next time I would get to be in his arms again. He helped me carry my heavy bags all the way through the station, to where the buses were without stopping. He was tired from driving, sad because he didn't want me to go, probably hungry, a bit frustrated because it was hot. But never once did he stop and never once did he yell at me, call me names get upset.

He was calm.

This is one of my favorite memories of a strong man of God. I'm happy to share it, because it reminds others that no matter what situation they go through, when God is first things will work out as they should for your benefit.

So, when I say I love this man. I truly do. No, matter what life changes he or I go through I still will love him. I still will love Gods love in him. I still will protect Gods love in him. Encourage him in his walk with Christ too, the way he did for me when I was going through the fire.

Deceptions Truth: Example Through Action

I find it very unnerving when I meet men who assume that just because I look at them a certain way or smile at them or give them any attention at all that, that somehow means that I like them more than I really do. 

Instead of just pulling me to the side and asking me, "hey, are you feeling me? or I'm feeling some weird vibes, what's up?" They have to get a pompous, big ass dome, throw a tantrum or parade around like a damn clown. I don't like you. I have already overcome any obstacle you thought you provided. 

My only focus is getting closer to Gods love and truth. 

On top of that I'm happy with the life I have. Don't like the truth. Then tactfully confront me. If that is not something you can do then don't even get offended by this piece of writing and move on with life or get offended and simmer in your own pity party. You aren't affecting my walk with Christ either way. 

DC Trip: National Harbor (Day 2)

Saturday June 23 2013 (Day 2):

I am not really sure why God gave me this opportunity. Maybe he just wanted me to get out of NC for awhile, so that I could regroup and think. Maybe there is a lesson that I need to learn here.

I'm not sure what it is, to be honest....

Today I went out to National Harbor. The best way to describe it is like a strip of outlets next to a body of a water. They had a live classical orchestra playing outside. It was warm. People were dressed in all kinds of sandals and shorts.

Then there was me, dressed in my gothic attire. One guy, who was very cute, look in my direction. Then quickly looked away. He was either shy or I scared the boots off him lol

It was extremely peaceful outside. This area isn't really known for clubs, just their bars. So many different bars. One of them even has a mechanical bull.

This area is like downtown Raleigh except, next to a body of water and a lot more upscale. It is like people actually give a damn about how things look around here.

We ended up at a pizzeria spot. We sat at the bar. We flirted with the bartenders. One was really cute. He had the most handsome light greenish eyes. I have never seen eyes that gorgeous (natural!) on a black man before. We even got a round of free drinks and a desert (see what a little smile can get you sometimes haha).

I had a lot of fun.

I was pretty tired when we got in too. I like going out and then coming back and being exhausted that way I don't have to think so much before I try to go to sleep. It is the worst feeling in the world to stay up until like 6am trying to force your mind to hush up long enough for you to go to sleep. That's another reason why I write. It quiets my mind somewhat....

Friday June 21 2013: Departure from NC (Reflection of the first day)

Friday June 21 (the first day of Summer) I left at 10:25 from the downtown Raleigh train station. My destination Washington, DC.

I stepped on the train and I knew that it was going to be a spiritual journey...

The train ride there was long, but I made sure to make friends with a chemist and a young rapper. They were both really cool. They both seemed shy to speak, at first. But once we got talking then things just kind of flowed from there. The first thing the young rapper asked me, is if I sing. I was surprised because most people that I have interacted with don't pick up that about me when they first meet me. I never had trouble meeting new people. I always had trouble keeping friends because I go through so many transitions.

The majority of people that I know don't know what its like to grow up without parents...

And trying to explain is just impossible...

I have been blessed enough to have very kind people in my life. That is how I have been able to get through all the transitions that not having parents can bring.

The train ride was peaceful. I was able to meditate. I tapped into an assortment of emotions, nervousness, joy, sorrow, anger, frustration etc. I knew that those emotions were not mine because I was clear minded and extremely PEACEFUL.

I will say this that I don't like taking trips by myself. It is more fun when you have someone else with you. The way the train works is that, you sit by twos. So I did kind of wish that I had someone that I knew with me. But when I started feeling that way, I forced myself to make friends with the person next to me. So that I wouldn't add any negative vibes of longing or yearning for something that I did not have or could not have on my trip.

There was about a thirty minuet delay in my arrival time to DC. That is because we had to wait for other trains to pass. If there was a lesson to learn during the train it certainly was patience. We couldn't move until the other train passed. So the passengers had no choice but to wait. I like train rides because although they take a lot longer. They are more peaceful, in my opinion.

To those people who are always on the "GO! GO! GO!" who never have a moment to just sit and relax. We walk fast. Who talk fast. Who always want things done right away. Aka: Impatient people (often times like how I am) they won't like being thirty minutes late and having the train stop about three different times. It might frustrate them.

When I finally got to DC. I was overwhelmed by all the people walking around. By the three huge police officers standing right by the exist. They were very helpful of course. Then when I got into the train station building I found out that it was like a mini mall, at the train station. I was so lost! There were so many people walking around. People in DC walk like they have somewhere to be! The other thing is that they don't really seem to have a respect for the space of others. It was like they were oblivious to the fact that I was walking too. But I'm pretty sure that's how most of the world is. If you don't establish your exists and make yourself be KNOWN then people will just step right on you as they keep walking. The other thing that I need to invest in is a rollerbag luggage case. I'm so use to just throwing things in the car and going. But things here are different. You have to walk a ways to get to where you want to be. So you better make sure that you carry a bookbag or carry luggage that has wheels on it. I was so pissed and frustrated when I had to walk on the other side of the building.

I did ended up finding my friends car, after almost being knocked down by a herd of people lol

I like DC, it is lively. But I can tell that people here are intelligent and they don't play when it comes to make money. Its a different mentality here. People here aren't lazy and just sit around wishing that they can do stuff. They actually go out and get things done. And that's why I'm here. Because I want to get things done too.