Established Rules: Single and Never Been Married

As the Queen Through Christ I am a aware of a few things:
1. Is that my life is not my own.
2. That I have a lot of work to do for the kingdom of God. 

Epic Journey: Walking In Your Identity

I tried to be "bad" I tried to be "loud." But bad leads to unneeded soul-ties. It felt like a weight on my soul keeping me from going to the next level. I tried to remain "average" "normal" "regular" so that men would like me. So that the guy I was crushing on, dated, liked or however you want to describe it would stay in my life. 

I tried to be "normal" and "indifferent" and "complacent" so that he wouldn't SEE ME because once he realized who I was, I knew that he would leave. Once he realized that I am a Queen through Christ and that I recognize my self worth, they always leave. 

I ask them to rise to my level. To stand with me in greatness through Christ Jesus. I ask them to battle against mediocrity with me. I ask me to fight against injustice. I ask them if they would take the sunglasses from their face and walk in truth, love and peace with me but all I hear is silence and then I see their back turned toward me. 

When a man comes into my life and "gives up" on me, essentially he says that he is 1. not ready to live a life of greatness and 2. that is he not ready to be a king through Christ and 3. that he is not confident enough in God.

I can not change a joker into a king. They must accept and understand their self worth. They must know that just as Jesus Christ died on the cross for me, he also died for them too. 
It hurts me to see a king, be degraded by this world and fall into a mental trap of the world. See, I know who I am through Christ Jesus. I know that I am the daughter of the most High King, but chose to take a "break" or go on vacation from my position of being a leader. I didn't walk away from God. I never could. I never can. I just needed time for me, to rest, recuperate, relax, before moving on in the journey.

I had some side projects that I started, in which I wanted to be dedicated too. I know that my life is not my own. I know that I am a reflect of the love of God. I know that I am mad to be an extension of the love of God, the peace of God, the strength of God. The problem is just because I am aware of that, does not mean that I know how to WALK in that awareness.

But, I Might Miss "The Swirl" (Reflection: Dating White Men)

In reflection: most of the men I have dated were white. And now that I think about it maybe I should stop dating white men all together. It is something that I have to pray about.

What I'm finding is that they are too weak to handle me. They always come to me puffing out their chests like "Tarzan" and then as soon as I say ONE THING THAT IS HONEST and it doesn't boost their ego. Then there goes a tantrum!!!!!!
                                  
OH! You hurt my feelings!

Oh! I don't feel like a man, because you told me that my tie was crooked or that my shoes didn't match!

Oh! my life is over because you don't think I'm perfect!

White men just don't seem to have enough backbone for me. How come every time something doesn't go your way, you throw a tantrum? How come every time we need to talk about something you sink back into yourself like a coward?
 

"well I don't know how to handle stress well..."
You are a man for crying out loud!
"I don't like confrontation...."

 

No one does, sugarfoot but its apart of life! Better get your boxing gloves on and learn how to fight back! You won't always be able to run to mommy and daddy for everything. Better start practicing how to stand on your own feet NOW!

I thought, it was just me being "too aggressive" "too honest" but there isn't anything wrong with me in that department. I always here them say "its too much pressure" and "too much responsibility" and then I think to myself oh, if I were a little submissive, "yes, sir. No, sir" white girl you wouldn't have any trouble taking on the pressure and responsibility.

I wish they would just admit they are too weak and not waste my time. But that's the problem, a lot of white men like the thought of being with a brown a beauty but they aren't strong enough to handle the reality of being with one. And sure, I hear a lot of white guys say, "oh! I date out of my race all the time..." OH YEAH??? and then I take a look at a picture of one of their exs and they look about as WHITE as piece of paper, but she is "mixed." Mixed with what? WHITE and WHITER! Get real! Homie dude! Don't try to play me!

I'm not dating right now though, let me make that perfectly clear because I don't want to be bothered with men in general. They are a waste of precious oxygen and they cause problems because they can't be honest with God nor with themselves so what on earth makes me think any of them can ever be honest with me?? *ugh*

But when I do start dating again, I think I'll leave the white guys alone and get with a little a bit of flavor in my ice cream ;)

Since When do Alpha Males Throw Tantrums? Get real!

Right now I'm in my flesh. I'm writing from my flesh and not from my spirit.
I'm so tired of meeting men who claim to be the "alpha male" then when things don't go their way they throw a tantrum. They revert to children. The whole time I'm sitting back like "wow and I thought you were the alpha male." Since when do alpha males give up when things get tough and throw tantrums. Men claim they want honesty and communication then they meet me and I'm honest, brutally honest and they can't handle it. So that makes you too weak. He was right, he is too weak for me. Had the look for an alpha male but the spirit of a coward. How does that work?

Instead of just being honest and opening their mouth and saying "When you say that or this it makes me feel uncomfortable please don't talk about that..." They storm off and attend a private pity party. So, you are suppose to be the father of my children? So, you are suppose to be the man that I share my body with and have children with and you can't even look me in the eyes and talk to me? So much for your communication.

And yet, you expect for God to bless you with a wife and children (your own child) when you act like that. Why would God give you one of his most precious jewels to protect when you can't even control your temper? It doesn't matter what was said or did, the point is are you strong enough to look past it and move on with life? Are you going to hold a grudge forever and waste time on being mad, instead of loving and caring about me like you so genuinely stated when everything was going great and flowing the way you wanted it to?

How are you the alpha male when you just give up on people like that? No wonder you are stuck at the same job doing the same thing, because you aren't ready to be a leader. No wonder, you work so hard and bust your ass for nothing because you are not ready to be a leader. It is about attitude. It is about being committed to fighting for the good of the whole and not just yourself. If, you can easily walk away when we are one little fight, I just image how much worse it would be after we had children. I guess, its a good thing that I didn't marry you, because you would have left my ass pregnant with two kids and not knowing what to do because your a coward. No wonder your loved one was taken away because you were not and are not in a position to take care of them anyway. So much for alpha male. Protector my ass.

I was woman enough to admit that I did not speak in love, but even after you yelled at me and said all those hateful things I still didn't give up on you. I still sat there and wanted to talk about it. The messed up thing is that you lied. Now I know that you are a liar and that's one of things I don't put up with a liar and a COWARD.

So, yeah, if you die an old man guess you will know why.

I stayed true to what I said about caring, but I guess that was not enough. That's why I don't give men the time of day, because they all lie, stab you in the back, abandon you, step all over your kindness, throw tantrums then runaway. I HATE MEN! I hate their stupid selfish attitudes. Walking around thinking they own everything. I HATE MEN! Every time a man looks my direction I get UPSET. What are you looking at? Don't even think about talking to me because I don't want to hear it. No good for nothing bum ass loser. Every guy I ever meet is a loser. I keep trying to go for the nice guys because maybe there is "LOVE" there, but NOPE still selfish. How are you 36 years old and you have the maturity of a 15 year old. GET REAL? We had an argument big deal, but you are still butt hurt over it? OH MY GOSH! I'm so done! OLD, YOUNG, BLACK or WHITE it doesn't matter. They are all the same.
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The Love, Beauty and Power of GOD: A life of Adventure

I feel like a queen without her castle/kingdom. I feel like I took a journey away from my kingdom to go do business in another kingdom. I know that God has called me to do something great. I know that he is molding me for greater. Preparing me to be equipped and handle the absolute best that he has just for me. I'm ready to go to he next level and nothing and no one is going to stand in my way from getting what God has for me. I tried to include other people in my blessings, but then they got jealous and weak in their spirit and let the devil control them. I don't need any weaklings on my team. 

That's why I asked God to send me his strongest warriors. Not just the strongest, but the strongest of the strong. Each day is a spiritual battle and those who don't believe that are foolish. The enemy is constantly trying to put doubt in your mind or turn you away fro GOD. So you have to fight for your sanity! 

You Don't Give Up On People that You Claim To Care About: Promise to a woman of GOD

I can never understand how one day, someone tells you they love and care about you and the next day they want nothing to do with you. When they were going through the fire, I was stood by their side and prayed, encouraged, even gave them one of my contacts so that they could have a chance to have some real help because I knew that I could not help them in the best way.

But the point is I did not give up on them. After their unexpected event I could have left, and immediately dated someone else, but I'm not like that. I don't run when things get tough.

I take full responsibility for the things that I said and the things that I did that were not pleasant favorable in the eyes of GOD. But when I found that I did something wrong or hurt them I repented and then I apologized. I know that when you hurt someone, you essentially break a piece of Gods heart because a piece of God is in all his children. So that's why I had to repent, other than because I wanted to have my soul right with the Lord.

How can you promise to not leave my life, then turn around and poof, disappear? No goodbye. No explanation? and yet, you get upset when people treat you wrong. Like I said and I will say it again I'm NOT PERFECT, but I would never abandon someone when I know that they are going through the fire and need prayer.

How do you go from praying every single night with me, to teaching me scriptures, to a complete shut down? You prayed that God would turn me sweet, kind and humble. You prayed that God would help me get out of my bad situation and so you are mad that he used you to help me? And now that I am sweet, more kind and more humble you reject me? That's backwards! And its painful.

Ever since I stepped foot in Virginia all I have been doing is praying for God to open doors for you. All I have been doing is interceding on your behalf, no I wasn't perfect. The entire situation was new to me. I have never been in a situation like that before and yet while I was praying you were judging me the entire time when you should have been praying.

I was hurt that you broke up with me in the middle of my transition but I was more hurt that you did not keep your promise. You said that you would be my friend and support me, that you would not leave my side. And yet, as soon as things got rough, you bailed on me... When your car wouldn't start and your job was acting crazy, giving you the run around I sat there and encouraged you through the whole thing. I prayed with you. I prayed for you. I gave you a contact in the area that I thought could help you. I put you before myself and yet, all you could do was reject Gods love in me, give me the cold shoulder and roll your eyes every time I had something to say.

I don't wish you ill will still to this day, but you will reap what you sow. You don't treat people that way. You always don't play around with God. When things were going great and you were big ballin' you loved GOD, you were confident and trusted God. You told me that I needed to stop drinking and stop cursing. But as soon as you could no longer "big ball" and you no longer had the money all of your confidence and trust in GOD went out the window?

When you are going through the fire, that is when you should be the most confident and trusting in GOD! When you are going through the fire that is when you should be on your knees every single night praying and praising GOD! What happen to the man of God that met who promised my god sister that he would take care of me? What happen to that man? That's the man that I want to be friends. You don't make promises to a prophet and then turn around and not keep them. God will not honor that.


Yet, even though your behavior is unfavorable. Even though you broke up with me in the middle of one of the most critical transitions I have ever made. Even though you helped me with a frown on your face. You though you called me annoying, and gave me the cold shoulder and attacked the love of GOD in me. I'm still praying for you. Still praying that God will help you get on one accord with the plan that he has for your life, so that you can walk into your destiny and know your true purpose.

 

When God Sends My Husband: King meet Queen

I'm happy to have my own spot, where I can think and read the word of God. But it is lonely here. The only person that I trusted and thought had my back, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't have very many friends here. I still need to get a car to drive, so I'm praying that God will bless me with one asap.

He said he wanted to be friends, but friends talk to each other, share their stories about their day and their dreams and plans etc. When I tried to make conversation he would go back to having a bad attitude. So eventually I stopped trying all together...

In generally I'm a pretty upbeat person. The only time when I'm stressed is when someone rejects the love that I give or when someone is not being honest with me or when someone lies and then tries to turn it around like it was my fault for accepting their help in the first place. I gave him plenty of chances to "run away" (that's what I know that most men who say they can handle me do best...) but he still stayed. He stuck it out and for once I thought, that maybe I had met my match. But when the storm came and the boat rocked violently that's when I saw his true colors and he saw my passion for God come forth...

Pray and Praise God through the Fire: (Going Away Present) *Strongest of the Strong Testimony*

I was tired of the tears, the sleepless nights and not wanting to eat. I lost so much weight due the stress of the entire situation that I was in. But, To God be the glory! For being a faithful and loving God. 

 My flesh said "That's messed up that he would break up with me when I'm in such a critical transition, when I needed him the most spiritual and emotionally. After saying I love and care about you, you are just going to run away when things get tough are you SERIOUS????????????????????????????????????"

The First And Second Day As An Assistant Teacher: Teach Me How To Love

I'm so close to a breakthrough that I can feel it.


I let my mind play tricks on me, because I felt like I wasn't where I am suppose to be. But, God would not keep me here if he did not mean for me to be here. I know that much. I have met some really amazing men and women of God. They are on fire for Gods love like me! When I get around them and my candle light seems low. They just know what to say or to do to set it back aflame again. The only thing is that I have to keep my might burning bright. I can not let the devil blow it out!

The first day of classes:

I was partly nervous, walking into the school knowing that I had 22 students in one class to learn all their names and then about 14 in the other class to learn names of as well. Phew! I just start calling them, "sweetheart and young lady and young man" instead lol But God is good and he got me through the first day without any major complications.

I don't know why children were placed on my heart. I never grew up wanting to babysit or even be around babies, but somehow when I get around children I transform into a completely different woman. I'm every bit like the virtuous woman that is described in proverbs 31. And most importantly I'm happy.

We did arts and crafts. I took them outside. I took them to lunch. I pretty much just helped out as much as I was needed. The first class is of kindergartners. They are a sassy bunch, but such a joy to be around.

The second class I go to is pre-k's. There are only a couple of them that get fresh from time to time, but most of them are still crying for their mommies and daddies. In that class they have nap time and that's when I come in to make sure that they are not kicking their neighbor in their sleep or talking.

I was pretty happy when the first day ended. Overall it was a good day.

The second day of classes:

I started out the day with a lot on my mind. I know that the "unexpected event" was not due to because I did not love enough, because before the unexpected event I loved them as best as I knew how. I'm not use to a man treating me kindly. I'm not use to men thinking much of me at all. So, when I met them my shield was up and there was a force field around my heart. But such is life, that when you trust a man, they end up breaking your heart for reasons that sometimes they don't even know themselves. "I care about you, but I also don't care enough to not break your heart..." And such is life from there....

That's why we have to be very careful about what we say to people and how we say it. When you say you love someone you better mean it or else you will be held accountable. But that goes for everything, even if you say hateful words or sow seeds of discord too. I don't tell people that I love or care about them unless I mean it and I also don't call everyone friend. Not everyone that smiles in my face has my best interest at heart. So I have to tap into the gift of discernment and wait for God to give me directions.

Queen Through Christ: Ministry? Love? Runway?

Here is what I'm learning:

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

(Very easy, but some people have the hardest time with it. I know that I did for awhile. Until I started to put myself in the shoes of others and God began to deal with my heart and humble my spirit...)

You never know what situation God will put you in, so right now you might be in a position where someone needs your help and if you turn them away or help them with a bad attitude you will push back your blessings. 

I always tell people to watch how they treat me, but they don't listen then when bad things happen they can't figure out why or they can't figure out why the door hasn't been opened for them to move on in life. 

Just DON'T mistreat me. I'm asking people to cater to my ego or kiss my feet. I'm just asking for one heart to another to just show love. 

But, if you mistreat people you never know who later in life you will need. God can fix turn anyway situation. So, right now I'm dependent on someone to help me get to work. But you never know, this week God can turn that all around where they may be the one needing me. And you are probably rolling your eyes, but don't underestimate my God. He is awesome, almighty king of kings and lord of lords. Author and finisher.

Huge, Gigantic, Dreams: The disconnect (Pray and Praise God through the fire)

I write because most of the time when I try to tell people how I feel they look at me strange, like I'm some kind of newly discovered creature ling, with ten eyes and three heads. I stopped trying to explain myself along time go not only because I was never good at public speaking enough to do it without looking like a fool, but also because most times I wasn't in the right spirit. 

Souls4Real Recap 2 & Christian Summer Camp Conference/ "Revival"

God had to break me down in order to rebuild me back up in his humility, grace, strength and kindness. Friday night I attended a youth conference. Then Saturday night I attended a Christian Summer camp Conference. In both events the anointing was high! The holy spirit was certainly there! There was no doubt about it! 

Friday night, I cried out to God and asked him to heal my heart. There were too many things weighing my heart down. My heart had been broken and somehow through one disconnection (since I don't connect to that many people as it is) I felt my spirit drown in a deep depression. 

If God lays someone on my heart deeply, it is not my choice whether I am in their life or not, because no matter how much I try to pull away or runaway God shows up to remind me of my purpose in their life. To protect, comfort, guide and love. 

I put on a smile as best as I could, but when the speaker asked if there was anyone who needed to come to the alter I was one of the first people up there. I needed Gods healing power to heal my broken heart. To heal me from having the love of God in me rejected. I was confused. I felt defeated. But, as soon as I cried out to God, all the way and really gave him my heart. I felt the sharp pain in my chest fade away. I was healed. In the name of Jesus. 

Even now I can finally walk in Gods love and peace as I have always said I wanted to do. I do not like to waste my time worrying about things that I can not change. When I find myself in situations like that, I have chosen to try a new method and just give it to God because he is the only one that can fix it. It doesn't do any good to post on fb about it or even blog about the situation. I just need to pray and give it to God from now. God wants me to trust him. And that's one way to really start...

I was and am healed in the name of Jesus. I felt so much better after I prayed. I felt like a new woman and the peace of God consumed my entire body. I no longer felt heavy. The sharp pain disappeared and I was able to see my brothers and sisters through the eyes of Christ. My spirit was much more cheerful and I actually connected to the ladies in the group that I was hanging out with. They are awesome. They accepted me, even when I wasn't at my best. 

Saturday:

 I didn't know what to expect when I stepped onto the property. I felt like I was attending a small school. But just as it said it was, it was a Christian Camp and we were there there to praise and worship and learn more about God. OH! The praise and worship was wonderful! We arrived just before lunch because the traffic was kinda bad. I don't know what stirred in me, but the peace of God from Friday night was still with me. 

We sang songs, then we heard the word. Then it was lunch time. After lunch, my friends decided to volunteer to help clean up and I walked around and mediated on the scripture that was given. It was Isaiah Chapter 40.  While I was mediating on the word, I also reflected on my life and all the struggle that seemed to come against me. There were still some questions on my heart that I needed answers too. 

After they finished volunteer, we drove into town and went to McDonalds. Then I got dropped off at the hair store and they (my two friends) went to Roses to look around. During this time I got hit on by a older, short black man with a hole in his mouth where his teeth should be. He invited me into his restaurant after closing so we could talk. He said that I had a beautiful face and that he would "take care of me." Oddly enough, I prayed just before I met this man and asked that I be blessed with enough money to move into my own place. And not longer after I made that prayer that man came along. But I knew that he was not sent from God. 

Just like God can hear our prayers so can the enemy that's when we have to be serious and specific, genuine and earnest when we pray. So, we can cut the enemy off from ever attempting to block our prayer from reaching Heaven. 

I'm not surprised by the way that man acted, drooling over me and lusting after my flesh. A lot of men do that when they see me. They start building this fantasy life of how they wish I could in their head. Then when I tell them that belong to God, somehow that makes them want to try even harder to "capture me." That's another reason why I need to date a man who is strong, confident man of God because I'm constantly having to battle in the spirit realm against vultures and lecherous beasts. And if he is going to be my man, I need to know that he can fight spirits with the word of God and prayer. 

They have to be able to protect the love of God in me and vice versa. God can clean up anyone for his glory. So, when said time arrives. I know that he will come correct, and ready with the word of God by his side. 

Unfavorable Situations: God Can Fix It All

God wants me to rise to my position of leadership, and although my heart is still broken by the events that have recently surfaced I know that God will fix it according to his order and will for my life.

Sometimes the truth is not always what we want to hear, but it is what is best for us. I honestly and firmly believe that God can not bless me fully and abundantly if I am attached to anything that is not fully focused on him.

When I date, I tell men that I am "different" not to be funny, cute or coy. I am spiritually sensitive to everything and around anyone that I meet. So hurts some, to a little degree. Hurts me on a colossal magnitude. When my heart breaks, it takes forever to heal.

Thus, I am asking God to work quickly in fully healing my heart.

Right now I need to find a room to rent so that I can stay in the area and work and save money. The goal is to save enough money to get on my feet so that I can help my grandmother get into a new apartment at least by December if not before then. My grandmother has worked so hard to take care of me. She deserves to live in comfort and in peace for the rest of her years. 

I learned to never be happy with anyone, but to carry your own happiness and joy of Christ on your own. Never share so much of yourself that you begin to lose and or change who you are.

For example: A lot of people tell me that I should not wear a lot of makeup or any at all. But I like wearing makeup because it is a way that I can express myself in the creative fashion.

I also like dressing up. IF you declare that you love, God and that you are a follower of Christ, you must not only walk, the walk and talk the talk but you also have to dress the part. God, gave me life. He gave me a supermodel like figure and I"m going show appreciation for the body that he gave me by looking nice daily.

I am back on the "market" and I am waiting for God to send my husband. I know that all struggle and the heartache that I am going through right now will just make me appreciate my husband that much more. Still, yet, I must be careful not to allow myself to get blinded by the idea of being in love. I must also keep God first, so that I can discern what my husband will need when the time comes.

The one thing that is constant and will be constant in my marriage is: Prayer. We will pray all the time, everyday, for whatever reason. I am getting stronger. I was not this strong in my walk with Christ when I was in NC. I spoke about my love of God, but now I am actually walking in my love of God.

And even though this situation that I'm in hurts me. Even though his indifference to my life brings tears to my face and a dagger to my heart I know that God will show up and show out on my behalf. Just as God gives, he can also take away. I still show love, no matter what. I have to constantly pray and ask God to fill me with his peace, patience and kindness. So that I do not say anything hateful. Granted there were times when I allowed my flesh to rise in despite of what I knew. I was so angry. But, immediately after I apologized.

The other thing is that I need to date a man who is on fire for the love of God. I need to be with a man that is strong and confident in God no matter what obstacle comes into his life. I'm a warrior for Gods love and I'm on the battlefield constantly. So, the man who I marry needs to be a warrior also. Ready to stomp out the devil at a seconds notice. Fearless.

Power From The Afflicated: Cry Your Heart Out To God

I'm not here to sugarcoat the truth and tie it in a pretty bow and feed it to you on a gold plate. This is a part of my testimony. It is the realest of the real. One of the most painful. But I'm not dead, so God still has work for me to do: 

This isn't the first time that a guy did this to me. The very first time everything was set in order for me to meet his mother and little sister. He came down to see me, so he could get approval from my grandmother. My grandmother told me not to go, but she gave her blessing anyway. Then I got to Florida and the ball was in his court. 

He was mentally and emotionally abusive. He would come home from long hours of work and just drink and then fall asleep. I would try to get up really early and make breakfast, get dolled up and look pretty. And he would just walk out the door without acknowledging my existence. I cried so hard. I cried myself to sleep often. I couldn't get home because I had used the last funds in my account to get a train ticket to go back with him. 

The strange thing was that on our way to Florida, it was perfect. Something straight out of fairy-tale. But, then when he got me to himself his true colors started to show. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to open the window and just let my body fall until all I could feel was the hard cement indent into my bones. But, instead I cried. I felt so alone. I was afraid. I was scared. What he told me was "I'm just not feeling it anymore..." All because he was still in love with his ex. He had been trying to win her back and even saw her and went on dates with her the whole time that I was staying with him. What was even more disrespectful he started talking to other women, and "going to work" for long periods of time, when he was really going on dates with other women. 

When he finally made up his mind to help me get back to NC. He said that he loved me and that we would stay in touch. But I knew that was a lie. Men always lie to me. That's why I don't think much of them in the first place. Its their indecisiveness that makes my blood boil. How dare you look me in the eyes and say that you love me and then turn around and distance yourself emotionally from me, when I need your support the most? But, this is the second time and the last time this will ever happen to me. God doesn't like ugly and last time I heard he wasn't doing so well. 

I try to tell the men that find interest in me to not break my heart, because when they do bad things always happen to them. My heart is not my own. It belongs to God all the way. So when you break my heart. You also break Gods heart too.

Men think I'm stupid, like I don't know what is REALLY going on. But, I have studied men long enough to know their behavior patterns. That's why I don't give men the time of day and even when I start dating again, I'm going to make sure that the next man I date is a man fully dedicated, committed, free from baggage, on fire, powerful man of God!    


Some would just say that I should get over the whole break up and move on with my life. Yet, how can I when I have to look at the face of the man who stabbed me in the heart every single day? 

 I lost weight since I have been here.
I'm not happy.
My heart is broken.
I feel out of place. 
I'm tired all the time.
I cry myself to sleep most nights.

If I would have known that he would even have the slightest doubt about being with me I never would have come here. 

Now, that I am here I am stuck because I don't know anyone and I don't have any trasportation to get around and even if I did I wouldn't really know where I was going.

I'm stuck in a new world, with my ex bf and half a heart to live off, but I'm making due because I'm leaning on Gods strength not my own.

I think I'm suppose to be here just to pray with him, encourage him until he gets on his feet again. And once he does, then I'm going to disappear. 

I don't go around telling people that I love them and that they want to be with someone and then break up with them right when things are at the roughest. I told him that I was a handful when he met me. But it was my stupid fault for not testing his spiritual strength. I was just so excited to have a boyfriend that was passionate about God like me, that I forgot about everything else. 

I could run to the arms of another man, it would be so much easier. I could just find a new boyfriend and pour all my love and attention into him and then I could move on. This situation would be a distant memory. But, I met a lot of people who are on fire for Gods love like me. Things seem to be flowing in order now. 

I miss the connection we had on that boyfriend and girlfriend level. The feeling of knowing that your man is going to protect you and do whatever he can to make you happy. 

I don't know how I am able to stay here and see his face every day, but when I said I loved him I meant every word. When I said that I would take a bullet for him, I meant that too. When I said that I would stay in the gap and intercede on his behalf I meant that as well. 

I don't love him with my own fleshly desires, I love him with the love of God in me. It is unconditional. Overflowing. Unstoppable. Powerful. 

Even while I'm here, I'm still praying that God will quickly place me in a position of stability. So that I can meet my husband one day soon. I'm ready to be a wife. I know it should be the one of the furthest things from my mind, but it is my hearts desire. 

He wants to be friends, but I can not accept that. How do you go from "baby" "honey" "sweetheart" to "hun" to nothing at all?
He is part of the reason why I probably won't date again. This situation is highly awkward and uncomfortable for me. And there isn't anything I can do. I just want to run away. I'm praying that God will open a door for me to escape. The people here are lovely. They all love God, but this situation makes not want to stay here. 

It hurts me that he doesn't want me. It hurts that he thinks of me as a friend when just last week, he saw me as more. It hurts that now, he can't even tell me that he loves me. But, God is going to fix it. And when I'm gone I'm not coming back. There will be a time when he will want to find me and I won't be around. But, all my hope and trust are in God. And I know that God will turn my pain and brokenness and use it for his glory!                

Spiritual Journey: Week Two (Day 4): Reflection of Day 3 *All the pieces but One*

It is cold in here. I don't like to be cold. Yet, I don't like to be hot either. I guess I like to be warm. I guess, that makes me an odd ball. Also, at this point I feel like God has given me all the pieces except one. There is one piece to the puzzle that will set everything in motion and make this entire situation flow in order. I have to figure out what it is because I know that once I do, it will not only help me but also really help those that I am connected to.

Somewhere I Belong: Truth, Beauty, Intelligence, Power

People have to know that I don't go around saying things that are not true. I tap into the gift of discernment on a regular basis, that's how I know, that I know, that I know. If, I tell you that you are a sweet person. It is because that is the type of spirit that you are projecting in that moment. It does not mean that you will always carry that type of spirit though. 

Some people get offended and say, "YOU Don't KNOW ME!!!" Screaming obscenities, tacky and ridiculous. I don't have to "know" anyone to know what kind of spirit is on them. But, you can only access that gift if you are in a connection with God. 

Gods Love in You and Other People: Appreciation(perspective 2)

It was put in my spirit to re-write about this experience in the spirit and not the flesh. The first time I touched on this topic I was writing from a very emotional place. Not an objective one. But after sometime of reflecting and much needed changes I can finally share this part of my testimony....

I'm reflecting on this now, because over the weekend I observed a few things that broke my heart. 

1. Why would you mistreat a man that is taking care of you, who loves you, who respects you and who wants to see you do good in life?

It is hard enough as it is, to meet a half way decent man and then when most women finally get one, they rip his heart out and step all over the love of God in him. 

That's partly why a lot of the Christian young men don't want to be associated with christian women, in my opinion. Because that woman is not living a holy virtuous life. She is not speaking with kindness, she is not showing unconditional love, yet she claims to be a christian which is suppose to represent Christ. That means she is a hypocrite.

I know, because I found myself in that boat at one point in my life. I said I loved God, but my actions did not reflect it. But it wasn't until I saw my situation rise up in someone else's life that it made me reflect it back into my own....