I'm in a new place now.
Stronger
Wiser
Faster
Resilient
Comfortable In My Own Skin
I
would say about, 8 months ago, all I wanted to do was die. I couldn't think I could not function, my
entire life revolved around "why me?" I felt defeated, raped and
robbed of my joyful spirit. But, I knew that it was my own fault. I had to take
responsibility for being so easily deceived. The devil tricked. Yeah, asshole
got me. I didn't even see it coming. But, I realized that everything happens
for a reason and that everything that is negative was turned around for my
good.
I
don't have any regrets about what I did, said, did not do or say while I was in
VA, but every sleepless night, every tear, every moment of confusion led me to
where I am today: peaceful. But cautious.
You
see, I will never put another man on a pedestal again, nor will I ever allow a
man to use his "resources" to allure me away from the flock. I was so
happy to meet a man that I thought was about that "christian life." I
thought him being about that life, would ignite a new passion in me to be about
that life too. But it wasn't his desire to be about it that ignited my
passion for God again, it was his (their) betrayal, the injustice, the murder of my
child like spirit.
Every
setback. Every stab in the back. Every sleepless night. It is all used for my
good.
I had
no choice but to delete many of the "family" that I met in VA from my
Facebook because I was in a dark place. A very dark place. Such a dark place, that satan himself could have asked me to marry him and I would have said yes... yep, that dark.
I had to cut them
off, so I could focus and so that I could protect them from the anger and the
hate that I felt toward and about that situation. I recently added a couple of
the faces that I most admired back into my life. I only added the ones that were mature
enough to understand what the "fight" is all about. Spiritual warriors for Gods' Love.
The ones who don't run to
mommy and daddy every time they get a scrape on their knee. You're a grown ass
man/woman stop sucking on your mothers nipple and pick up a weapon and learn
how to defend yourself.
Stop blaming your screwed up life on other people. You made the choice to marry that person, or open your legs to that man and to have a baby with him. So now you deal with the consequences.
Just like I made the choice to believe that they could be trusted.
We all make choices. But I don't run from my consequences. I face them head on, with complaints, without complaints. But I never give up and I never stop fighting.
Yeah...I guess, I figure that if I had to learn how to fight
out in a new place, on my own then others should learn how to too, because
sooner or later their parents will leave this earth and they will be faced to
meet the claws of injustice that rapes the world as we speak.
