Do You Really Want To Be In A Relationship (part 2)

I don't think a woman should have to lower or hide her intelligence and strength just to make a man feel like a man. He should already be confident in who God made him and he should already have his life in order or be working really hard to get it in order. 

In the past, I put up with a variety of interesting men characters! 

I don't do a lot of socializing in real life. I tend to save my breath for people who actually want to make a change in their life and or learn something new. But, the behavior of men folk nowadays is so predictable that I don't find it fun anymore to even "play the game" anymore.

Do You Really Want To Be In A Relationship? (part 1)

So, far in my experiences I'm learning that the majority of people don't like to "address the issues" and or "talk about it." I use to be a person that just swept reality under the rug and expected it to just disappear or get better on its' own.

But, oh! how naive!

The Forever. The Always. The Evolving. (Part 1)

I'm in a different place. The months are moving by so fast, that I barely have time to even blow my nose before the next big "wtf" hits me. If another big "wtf" is about to hit me, at least let it be glamorous and fun. 
The job I had took a lot of my time and attention for about four and a half months. I'm not a big fan of getting up early in the morning, but I did because I knew that the money would help me support my modeling career. 

I love fashion, modeling, style and beauty. When there are opportunities for it I certainly want to be seen. I'm frustrated because I feel like I should be further along in life than I am. I feel like I should be on TV, have a record deal, and or be on the cover of one of the top magainzes in the world. 

Something has to change. 

My love life is wonderful! He treats me like a princess. He is very attentive, thoughtful and patient. Yet, there is something missing from my life. I miss the thrill and the passion behind setting up a shoot, or preparing to walk the runway. I was born to be infront of the camera, yet I'm always so far from it. 

I hate to be bored. If, I feel like my life is getting "stale" I do something, change my hair, do a new makeup style, get a new design on my nails etc just so I can stay free from the monotony that could be my life, if I don't make a conscious effort to fight for diversity. 

I watch shows like HouseofDVF and I think to myself, I hope those girls realize how blessed they are to have the opportunity to be around one of the top designers in the world. 

I'm still waiting for my "glory" moment, when everything just falls into place for my life. When I have a car, a house, a fun, stable permanent job and my modeling career is evolving. 

At this time in my life, I'm not looking to settle down and be a stay at home wife or mother. To those who love being a stay at home, that is wonderful and more power to those women. But, as for me, I want to travel, adventure and passion. I want to do the unthinkable and be challenged by the greatest. To win or lose would be an adventure in itself. I just want to move forward because I know that there is more to life for me. 

Boring: If This is Hell (Cry Of The Warrior)

The only thing that is keeping me sane are my blogs and my journals. If this is hell then Jesus get me out of here because I'm bored. The only other time I was bored to death was when I was stuck in Virginia. 

I wish I could call God and ask him why he keeps putting me in these country ass situations, where I'm around families and kids all the time. Please, don't get me wrong kids are great, but as a single woman with no kids and trying to live my life I feel different about things. 

Young mothers' and fathers' care about the things that their children say and do, naturally they are the parent. But I don't. This is my time to be a little bit selfish in life. I spent enough of my time trying to build that "family life" that God approves of and now I don't' want to anything to do with it. 

When I first mentioned that if God didn't send my husband then all I wanted was money and motorcycle. I got a lot of flake for saying that from "small community Christians." 

I look at things differently. You have some that are in the military who strictly sit behind a desk all day and process papers. They are still considered soldiers. Then you have others who are out in the field who actually fight on the battlefield. Their perspective on life is a little bit different than the solider sitting behind the desk. 

That is how I feel about meeting Christians who have mommy to breast-feed them at 30 and daddy to kiss their boos and scrapes late into their 20's. Time to get off the nipple. I was so annoyed in Virginia because that's all I was around cookie cutter Christians. I only met like two who were actually warriors for Gods' love and understood about the "fight." Everyone else was clueless. How is your dad a pastor and a mom a teacher and you're clueless to what spiritual warfare is all about or you run from it? 

Please get me some soldiers who already know how to fight, in Jesus NAME. I can't have rookies watching my back. In translation: I was out in the field with rookies watching my back and that's when I got attacked big time. I'm still in recovery so to speak. A bit traumatized but its nothing that God himself, can't fix. Don't need a shrink to try and empathize with me. Just need some serious praise and worship time around people who are Warriors like myself. 

There was a point when I thought that a few of the rookies really understood what I was saying, but then I realized they were capable of understanding about spiritual warfare but they didn't know how to conduct themselves on the battlefield. Its like talking about a war that you only watched from a distance, but never actively took part in. You see all the moves and methods but you are not the one making them. 

So, I fought alone with the strength of God backing me. 

You're So Aggressive! (Warrior Mentality)

I use to hear in the past: "Jalysa you are too aggressive" You scare men away. So, I always thought "what's wrong with me?" "Why do all the guys I like runaway from me?" These were my thoughts before I knew who I was through Christ. The enemy had me at a very interesting point. My head was filled with doubts, fears and worries. I tried to change myself into everyone else, except who God wanted me to be. 

I also tried to change jokers into kings or princes. If, I would have known how much time and money (yes, I use to buy my guys all kinds of stuff too) that I would waste I would have thought twice about being so "caring" "loving" "understanding" and "sweet." 

The "Protecting" Spirit: Take A Bullet For You

 

The thing about me is that whenever someone is hurt or sad I instantly go into this "guardian angel" type of mode. Where I feel responsible for bringing them out of whatever dark place they are in. When God moves me away from them, so that I can't help them by praying for them or giving them a hug or making silly faces. It breaks my heart.

I know what its like to suffer. To actually wish and hear myself say that I would rather here a "pretty lie, than the the ugly truth." But, that's only because when you are hurt, sad, depressed and you feel far from God, all you want is something to make you feel better.

Well, I realized that for my loved ones that were hurting (while I was in a good place) all I could do was pray for them. Whenever I see people hurt I want so much to hold them in my arms and absorb all their pain. Just like when I see a child cry, that's the first thing I think of to do, pick them and hold them so they feel loved, comforted and protected.
                             
It is not different with grown men and women, because all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior are my brothers and sisters.

But, like I said God has to move me sometimes, so that they can go through the crushing. The job of carry their cross is reserved for Jesus Christ alone. And when God feels that I'm "protecting" my loved ones too much from their life lessons, spiritual spankings or the "crushing." He will move me away and there won't be anything that I can do about it...

I would have gladly taken all their pain, on myself because I knew that I was strong enough to handle it. I will gladly take a bullet for them, if ever it came down to not just for them but for all my loved ones. That's just the type of person I am, at the end of the day. After all the makeup is off, and I'm finally out those 6 inch heels and in some flats. My hair is tied up and I'm ready for bed. I turn into a big "mama hen." And when people need love. I have enough of it to share. More than enough actually.

When I don't get to share that love, I feel my spirit die a little bit more each time. So, that's why I ask God to send people who not only need love but also those who are ready to receive. Because in the right spirit, I tap into the love of God in me and his love is powerful enough to heal. The love of God melts the bitterness and crust right off. I know it, because when someone else shared the love of God in them with me, that's exactly what it did for me.

And I thank God for that, every day.

Beauty: Like A Double-edged Sword

I'm not one to lie or to bite my tongue. If I feel some type of way you will know because I like truth, even if it hurts. The given ability to endure during painful realizations or truths in life, is what makes me strong. I'm still here. I aint dead yet... I still have some fight left in me. And as long as I can fight, then I'm going to praise God will my heart, mind, soul, spirit and body! Praise God like I lost my mind.

I admit that this walk with Christ, is not a "walk in the park." There are days when I want to go back to my old way life. Back to the days when I felt like I was "big ballin!" Going to house parties every weekend, going to the club, having men buy me drinks and other material possessions. Whatever I wanted I could have and all I had to do was be cute and sexy. And it was mine. I still have that power, but it I chose to transform that power when I re-dedicated my life to servering God.

Yes, those days were fun. I was high on life and doing whatever I wanted to do. But, even those they may have been fun. They were also the most sloppiest and tackiest of moments in my life. But, God can transform anyone. From a slave into a Queen or King and that is what he did with me. There are still some rough edges, that God is chipping away.

It is crazy once you find a source that can fill you with intense and immense joy just from making a promise. Nothing in the world can do that, because everything in the world is temporary. People make promises everyday in the world but then they break them. Why? Because they don't care. But who does care? God. In all the mess that I have ever been in God has always opened a door for me to escape. I mean I technically should be dead right now, with all the dumb stuff I put myself in.

Even in this situation I'm in currently. It is only the mercies and grace of the Lord and joy from the holy spirit that is holding my broken heart, and sanity together. Glory be to God. Why? Because I never thought that someone who claimed to love, trust and have confidence in God could be so cruel. How do you go from talking about God, reading me scriptures and taking me to church every Sunday to not speaking to me at all? Wow, that would make anyone trying to establish a strong walk with God get discouraged and possibly backslide. But, even though they weren't walk in Truth, I chose to rise above. To go to a higher level. Not only walk in the Gods' truth, but his peace and love too. All levels are hard, because I can feel things getting easier. I trust that my breakthrough is around the corner. In the name of Jesus.
　

 

 

Revelation: (Mirror Conversations) THE WOMAN GOD NEEDS FOR HIS PEOPLE TO SEE

I do not write for form nor fashion, nor so that people will like me. I write because I want to show the process of what a walk with Christ can look like. There will be no walk with Christ exactly the same, because we each go through different lessons in life. We each grow differently. But the end is the same, for us to be used for the glory of God.

One of the things that I had to overcome is forgiveness. I thought that if I apologized to them that everything would just be perfect like it was before. But the real test wasn't in apologizing to them, it was in forgiving myself.

I was so hurt by the situation and even more angry at myself for not knowing how to help them. I felt it was my duty to comfort, protect and love them through any and all changes that they went through but instead of doing that I fell prey to my flesh and became selfish and arrogant. They needed a friend, and I covered the love of God in me with pride, selfishness and anger, so that they could not reach his (God) love in me.

I was upset with myself because I couldn't "save" them I didn't know the right words to help them out of their situation. I didn't have enough money to make "it all better." I felt useless. All I could do was sit back and watch them fall into more confusion. I tried to pray, but I wasn't in the right spirit all the time. I was too busy worrying about myself instead of trusting in God to take care of me and attending to what their needs were with the word of GOD.

We have to remember that it is not about us. It is about other people. Every blessing, every gift that God has given us is used to be a blessing to someone elses' life and for the glory of God.

God, blessed me with a heart of empathy, a heart of compassion. A heart to love his people. To comfort and protect and instead of using that gift for good I allowed my flesh to take over and shut it down.

So God had to move me away, not only so he could have their full attention, but also so I could learn how to love his people again.

The process is never easy. There will be tears. There will be times where you may be uncomfortable but trust in God. I can write that now because I'm walking in it. And little by little God reveals to me the things about myself that are holding me back from walking in the fullness of his Greatness.

I can not go back and redo what has been done, but I can move forward with the new revelations that God has given me and apply them to my life currently.

I pray for them daily. I love them with all my heart. I ask God to protect them and heal them. I asked that God go in and fix the mess that I made. Each time we don't act in love, we leave a negative imprint on someone's heart. I pray that God removes that negative imprint that I made on their heart and he restores them to full joy in him and to full confidence and trust in him (God) as well.

I never want to see any of my brothers nor sisters hurt because of something that I allowed my flesh to say or do. That is not how Christ was and if I claim to love God I also must commit to learning how Jesus Christ walked in the love of God, in the peace of God and in the truth of God.

I pray and ask God to fill me with more of his loving spirit. To cut off all things that are unholy, unrighteous, and or unclean in me. I do this because I want to love his people better. So that I never enter into another situation where someone needs my help and I am not able to help them because I'm too weak to fight against my flesh. Before I didn't know much scripture, let me tell you the word of GOD is a must when you are on the spiritual battlefield. That is one of your most powerful weapons. Without it you are "crippled"! Must read it and meditate on it daily.

It is food for your spirit.

 

 

Mrs. So and So: The Bride, Marriage and the "Never I Do"

                          
He sent me this when he first was excited because he swore up and down that I was his wife. That God had sent me to him. That he prayed for me and God sent him me, to be his wife. He told me to "remember this for later" then not even two weeks later he was running away, pushing me away, acting out in a horrible teenage like manner, throwing tantrums and cursing. And that's the man that is suppose to be the "priest of the household" that I'm apart of? No, I don't think so.

I wish I could meet a man who was confident enough in God and his abilities and talents through Christ that he wouldn't feel the need to beat down the strength of God in me. That's the issue that I faced most when I use to date. Instead of them protecting the strength and love of God in me, they always tried to belittle it, tear it down, stomp on it and when they couldn't do that, then they would "feed me" to the lecherous beasts, vultures and devils in the world by abandoning me at critical times when I needed them most. That's why I depend on no man. Just God. Just he is the only one strong enough to play the "superman role" in my life.

Then I have to remember: I find it strange that a man who is in his mid 30's isn't already married. So, when they tell me oh I was married once before... my first question is, "why are yall not together now?" and my second question is, "What did he do?" Because more often than not, the man always did something to initiate the downfall of the marriage.

I have to admit that when I thought I was "engaged" I was really excited. The truth is, that he didn't want me to talk about us going to the court house to get our marriage license because he said he felt "pressured" and "rushed." (Keep in mind he was the one that was excited about the idea in the first place....But in my head I'm thinking, "wow, you don't want me to talk about it, because really you either are not sure if you want to marry me, 2. are really secretly married to someone else or in love with someone else 3. are ashamed for people to know about something that should be a joy to you..."

Any man who really loved me would be thrilled for me to carry their last name, but no...not him...even though he was the one that was SO excited by the idea at first...

I told him I understood but that it would not make sense for us to be Mr. and Mrs. so and so without rings. Then when I started posting pictures of the type of rings that were my "dream" rings that's when he really got all undone. All he had to do was tell me to stop posting about it, but instead (like a child who throws a tantrum when they don't get their way...) he grew distant and that's when I knew that he wasn't strong nor mature enough in his spirit to be in the type of relationship that I envisioned.
                                       

           

It was a sad moment of revelation, but the "realist" in me rose up and closed the deal on the whole thing. I tried to fix it with love and promises to do better, but because he never had any real "love" for me in the first place there was no glue (the love of God is it!) to hold us together. So, there I was trying. Pouring my heart and soul into trying to make things work once again and he became distant and nonchalant and didn't care.... and even when I tried to be friends after that's when I really saw his true colors even more. I tried to send him prayer text messages because I said that I would continue to pray for him, since he is going through some things and of course like every other guy I ever tried to have a "mature adult relationship" with, he gave me the silent treatment, disappeared, vanished, poof, gone.

When I look back through our text messages, I have to laugh because just a week ago he was saying how much he loved me and now he doesn't speak to me at all. Sound familiar? Well it is, because it is the exact same pattern that lead me here in the first place.

The only difference is that he and I never thought about, talked aobut getting married, nor having children together (yeah, I thought this man was Heaven sent enough to believe that I would be the one to have his first son).

But, the truth is I was in love with the idea of being a bride, a wife and mother but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be all that with him in my life. There was something unsettling about, the entire thing that made me question and instantly pray about it from the start. Things were moving way too fast and I could seem to control the flow of it. The 3rd day I had already met his parents. Of course in my head I thought, "this has to be love...he must really love me!" (yeah, sure! lol). You never know if someone truly loves you until you go through the fire with them a few times and see that they are still standing by your side.

That's how I know that every man who ever made me a promise or said "I love you" to me was a liar, because if they loved me they would still be in my life today. I may not know everything, but God has blessed me with some "years beyond my age" type of wisdom that let's me know that things are either right or wrong.

And saying that you love someone, then disappearing from their life because you don't like what they said, what they did etc is wrong. And it just proves that you're immature and not ready for a real mature adult relationship. Granted, if I point the finger, then I better be ready to have it pointed back at me, right? And since I know that I take full responsibility for not always walking in love. But in this situation I could have acted a lot worse. But by sticking by his side through his "tantrum" I showed him that I keep my word. That I don't "run when things get tough." All that talk about "honesty" and "communication" went straight out the window as soon as he got upset with me. Then I started to see some qualities that reflected when I was in an abusive relationships during college (real bad, real, real, real bad...) and after I prayed and reflected on it that's when I knew it was time to go.

Any man that curses at me or even looks like they want to hit me during an argument is not a man that I can respect nor see myself marrying nor being with. So, once again God looked out for me. Even though I wanted to be a bride, be married and hear him say, "I do." I didn't want to do it with a black eye and a bloody lip.

 

 



 

 

Love Like Christ: Missing You

Dear You,
                  
I can't explain all the changes that God is making in me, because even I don't really understand them. I have self reflected over this entire situation over and over and yet I still come to the same conclusion. That one, God is in control and two, I still and always will love you.

There is no excuse for how I acted and what I did. Although, I was honest in telling you that I'm a writer. When I write I feel free. It is the same way with my singing. You know how important me being able to sing is or at least I pray you do.

I came here thinking that we were going to be some kind of "bonnie and clyde" team. That things would move fast enough for us to finally get ourselves on our feet as individuals so we could help one another out. But, God had other plans...

When I saw that things were moving a little bit faster for me and not for you all I wanted to do is protect you. So, the money that I orignially had to go home I used to stay longer so that I could pray with you and stand by your side as you were starting to "go through the fire." I kept trying to intercede on your behalf, because I did not want to see you unhappy, miserable or sad in any way.

I thought if I asked God he would just put all your pain on me, open all new doors for you to walk through and then we could live happily ever. The end. But God had other plans...

I asked God to put your pain on me because I knew that I was strong enough to take it. But instead of doing that, he moved me away. So that only you can depend on him. It was a painful separation, since all I wanted was to help you and be there for you and stay by your side. But, the Will of God shall be done and obedience to his Will can not be denied, do you agree?

At the time I was still "fresh." In other words all the things that I know now I did not fully understand nor walk in then. Instead of giving everything over to God, I tried to take it on myself and in my flesh I hurt you and I failed at walking in the love of Christ. It hurt me just as equally to think about how I hurt you, as well as being seperated from you.

I miss you every day. I live about five minutes away from you, just in case you did not know. I always pray that you will stop by and visit me. I wonder if you have forgotten me or not.

I can not go back in the past and fix the things that I have said or done nor take them back. I had the chance to apologize to your face and even though I couldn't see your eyes I prayed silently that you understood. But, I could tell that you were still angry and that I was still hurt. I wanted so much to hug you and say "I'm sorry" I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I love you. I'm sorry. Over and over again, so that you would never forget how thankful I am to GOD for sending you to help me get closer to God.

If it had not been for you caring enough about me to help me, then I would not have been able to come to a place where I can get strong in my walk with Christ and learn more about the word of God and praise God as passionately as I do now.

I was stupid in love when I came here. I was set on taking care of you, because I'm happier when I get to take care of someone else. But when I stopped to think about it, I couldn't even take care of myself, so how could I help you? It killed me not to be able to help you as I wanted to. The more you pulled away, the more painful it was. I tried so hard to do my best to help you with what I had, but it did not seem to be enough for you. The more I loved you, the more violently you acted. Until one day you shut down on me all together. And when I needed you the most, you were nowhere to be found. When I needed you to pray with me you disappeared.

We went from praying with one another almost every night, talking about God, going to church together... to now we don't even speak. Like I said, I can't take back what I have done but I can learn from my mistakes and make sure that I do things differently next time. I'm always praying that God will send you back into my life, as I met you, fully trusting and confident in God, wise, humble, patient and kind... so that I can get a chance to love you the right way, clothed in my right mind, patient and fully walking in the love of Christ.

Agape Love is the only love that will out last all of this. The love of God is unconditional. Never changing. Constant and that is the only love that I ever want to share with you. And when I get that chance again I will hold in my arms and just thank God for who he is, for the second chance and for your life.  

 



The Love, Beauty and Power of GOD: A life of Adventure

I feel like a queen without her castle/kingdom. I feel like I took a journey away from my kingdom to go do business in another kingdom. I know that God has called me to do something great. I know that he is molding me for greater. Preparing me to be equipped and handle the absolute best that he has just for me. I'm ready to go to he next level and nothing and no one is going to stand in my way from getting what God has for me. I tried to include other people in my blessings, but then they got jealous and weak in their spirit and let the devil control them. I don't need any weaklings on my team. 

That's why I asked God to send me his strongest warriors. Not just the strongest, but the strongest of the strong. Each day is a spiritual battle and those who don't believe that are foolish. The enemy is constantly trying to put doubt in your mind or turn you away fro GOD. So you have to fight for your sanity! 

Spiritual Journey Two: Pray Your Way Through the Fire

                                                                              

Despite knowing that I am loved. I still feel like a burden. Each face I meet is very kind, understanding and helpful. I'm always grateful and thankful for any kindness extended my way. Yet, stability of my own is something that I crave. I'm tired of moving around from house to house and family to family. 

When am I going to fit in somewhere? When will I be enough?

That's partly why I'm reluctant to ask for help because when I do the hourglass starts and each day you are running out of time, before your "welcome" is worn out. Despite what people say, its something that can't be avoided. I hate feeling like a bother and burden to other people.                                                           
So, I pray that God will place me in a position of financial, emotional, mental and spiritual stability so that one day I can extend it to someone else who is in need. But instead of pitying or feeling sorry for me. Just pray and ask God to order my steps according to his perfect will for my life. It is the best gift. And I thank you.

Power of Air, Passion behind Fire: Wonderfully made Man of God

I did not think that I was worthy of having any man care about nor love me. I thought it was my duty to only give love but never to receive it, because in the past I gave love, they took it, ran with it and gave it to someone else. So I thought that was apart of the nature of this existence.

Dating & Spiritual Warfare: Tricks of the devil

People don't believe that spiritual warfare is real. I know that I have said that before. But it is a true statement for most, if not the majority. 

I sometimes think that men are less likely to believe in spiritual warfare than women, although I have no scientific facts ("hard evidence") to back that statement up with. 

There is a lot going on in the world that people just look right over. 

I'm writing this entry because recently I have noticed that some old male guys interests that I use to like and or be or enamored with have resurfaced. I know that is just the trick of the devil. I also know that the older gentleman who use to stalk me (yep, long story but it is true) is just a test of my patience and faith. 

How he got me to be his friend was through music and offering money and although, he extended help, he did it for all the wrong reasons. 

I think everyone around me pretty much caught on after awhile. Although, it bothered me that it took them a lot longer to see the truth than I did. He claimed that he was attending church because he wanted to get closer to God. But whenever he was there he just sat there staring at me like a psycho. 

I'm sure that people change. I know that God can clean up anyone's heart. But at the time he had a very strong possessive spirit on him. That's another reason why I'm selective about dating, because like I have said before some men seem to think that just because I hang out with them and or give them any bit of attention (even just a hello or smile) that, that somehow means that I want to be their girlfriend and or I like them more than a friend. 

It is very annoying and it makes situations awkward. I'm the type of lady that just enjoys good company and awesome conversation. I'm not trying to rush into anything too serious and I'm not trying to be possessed or controlled any man. That is just how it is. When a man starts saying "YOU CAN'T...." then I start saying "I CAN" and I walk away. 

I'm at a point in my life where I'm going to do the things that I enjoy with or without an adventure partner. The strange thing is that people are not as generous as I would like to believe. Some people can genuinely give without expecting anything in return. That is very evident with the acceptance and love of my god family. 

But I don't find too many men, nowadays who are like that. I did meet one who isn't cheap, disrespectful, possessive with minimized ability to hold an intelligent conversation. He doesn't make lame jokes to make up for that sometimes "awkward" silence that happens between a man and a woman. He doesn't say ridiculous phrases like "that's what she said..." in order to compensate for his lack of confidence in conducting himself as a grown, adult man. 

I have a lot of issues with men because they demand respect from women but they don't do anything that deserves respect. Just because they breathe and have extended body parts somehow makes them entitled. OH? but wait! We are entitled because we DO NOT PUT UP with your BS? Is that how that works? So if we played your games and allowed you to win so you can feel like a man then you would want to treat us right? 

Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No one has time to baby sit a grown ass man. Be honest with how you feel, enjoy life and treat people the way you want to be treated. Very simple life, right? Yeah, as long as they don't skip the first step 

BE HONEST!

DC Trip (Day 4): Good Food & Third Wheel Conversations

The thing about living with someone who has the car, is that you have to operate on their time. I will say that I miss having that freedom to come and go as I please in my own vehicle.

But it is not a big deal...

Monday June 24 2013:

I really enjoy being here because I feel very peaceful.
I get to be all parts of myself. I'm not expected to do anything in particular. If I wanted to I could just sit around all day. But I'm not here for that.

I want to work. I know there is work to be found here and I will find it, in the name of Jesus Christ.

The lady I stay with is such an inspiration. She has her own personal walk with Christ, that is made just for her. She keeps God first no matter what. She is successful, beautiful and intelligent. She pays her own bills and does her own thing. She could have a man help her out, but she does not need him.

She depends on God for everything and that's how I want to be too...
I'm still not sure what lesson I'm suppose to be learning here though, maybe God just needs me here so that I can gain more patience.

I have been going through this awkward push and pull with my spirit. One part of me wants to give in to the "fun" and be wild and free. The other side knows that in being that way it could bring a lot of trouble and also cause a lot of people to turn away from Gods love.

We already have enough hate and greed and selfish people out in the world, If I give in to the "fun" I will change into one of them...

By the water:

 

 

In the evening, after she got of work, we ended up going back to national harbor and eating outside by the water. At this place called: http://www.mccormickandschmicks.com/

 

 

Since, I have been here all I have been doing is eating. I never get a chance to eat out when I'm home. So it is nice to be able to go out and indulge once in awhile. But the thing is... that she and her friends live like that because they can afford to. It must be nice to have money to live comfortable and not have to worry so much about basic necessities.

 

There were three of us, so of course I'm always that odd ball person. The "third wheel." I tried to get in with the conversation but I just wasn't interested in much of what they were saying. My mind was elsewhere.

 

I really want to get a job, drink, go dancing and meet hot guys (lol). I know that sounds shallow and petty, but it is true. I'm young! I should be living it up. Having fun! Enjoying my life. Who knows when it will end?

 

 

DC Trip (Day 3) Sunday Reflection: Sushi & Core Main Values

I'm not really sure why God allowed me to come here, but I am thankful for the time away from NC. I feel like the days go by too fast here.

Sunday: June 23, 2013

 

I was not able to get to church because she said that her church canceled for the day. She attends a church much like mine.

 

So, instead we went out to eat at this really nice Chinese/Japanese mixed restaurant. The food was good. There I tried dragon sushi rolls. I did not know that I liked sushi, but I guess I do now.

 

 

 

Later in the evening she and I went to the grocery store so we could pick up a few things for me to snack on while she is at work.

 

 

When we were about to leave we ran into two Bulgarian life guards who were just the sexiest ever. They surely don't make sexy men like that. As I was putting the cart away I introduced myself and that's when I found out one of their names and where he was from.

 

 

You know the kind of guys that I always talk about dating but never get a chance to meet? Well they were those types. Tall, muscular, accents, gorgeous eyes... straight out of a erotica novel haha

 

 

 

 

The boundary:

 

I have to admit that even before I became a queen through Christ I was limited to what I could do. I was never really good at dating, but I always made an awesome girlfriend. It is always the initial start that takes so long to get, but once we get started then things are great. Once he learns my how I am and what I won't tolerate (liars and cowards) then everything runs smoothly from there...

 

But the beginning is always the hardest part...

 

 

This walk with Christ has not been easy, but it has been worth it. I can say that wholeheartedly. I went from doing what I wanted to now being patient and waiting for God to tell me what he wants me to do.

 

Patience? HaHa Good ol' patience. One of the most difficult lessons I have ever had to learn even more than getting over a heart break.

 

 

The truth is, no matter how handsome, intelligent, rich etc a man is I just can't be with any man. He has to be a man on fire for Gods love. He has to love God more than I do. He has to eat, breathe, think, feel, etc in Gods love and truth.

 

Because if he does not it won't work...

 

I have reflected on this for awhile and I realized that most of my past relationships did not last because we did not match at the core.

 

So sure, we had many things in common, but at the core of who I am a compassionate heart, honest and in love with God, they disagreed with.

 

 

So now I tell myself that any man I get involved with as to match me on a deeper level:

 

He has to match my strength in spirit

And my compassionate heart

And my love for God

And my honesty

 

 

Those are the four things as far as the main core values are concerned that are a deal breaker. The only problem is, now I have to stick to those things.  

 



Transformation: Queen into a Priestess

In order for me to be a priestess I would have to give up a lot of "me" and be all about God.

I would have to be all about Gods people only.

So anything that I wanted would have to cease to exist even in jest. I tried be normal, like regular (average chicks) but it just won't work. I tried to live inside of the box and ignore mediocrity and truth like so many other people do. But then it started to eat away at my soul. Once your eyes are open to truth you can never go back to pretending that what is, is not any longer. When I was "blind", I could not see. Now that I can see, sometimes I don't want to because it hurts me greatly. It makes me weep for humanity. The strange thing is that the anointing much be in the right spirit too or I could get consumed by pride and turned against the love in my heart. It is a dueling contingency, but one that can not be avoided.

DC Trip: National Harbor (Day 2)

Saturday June 23 2013 (Day 2):

I am not really sure why God gave me this opportunity. Maybe he just wanted me to get out of NC for awhile, so that I could regroup and think. Maybe there is a lesson that I need to learn here.

I'm not sure what it is, to be honest....

Today I went out to National Harbor. The best way to describe it is like a strip of outlets next to a body of a water. They had a live classical orchestra playing outside. It was warm. People were dressed in all kinds of sandals and shorts.

Then there was me, dressed in my gothic attire. One guy, who was very cute, look in my direction. Then quickly looked away. He was either shy or I scared the boots off him lol

It was extremely peaceful outside. This area isn't really known for clubs, just their bars. So many different bars. One of them even has a mechanical bull.

This area is like downtown Raleigh except, next to a body of water and a lot more upscale. It is like people actually give a damn about how things look around here.

We ended up at a pizzeria spot. We sat at the bar. We flirted with the bartenders. One was really cute. He had the most handsome light greenish eyes. I have never seen eyes that gorgeous (natural!) on a black man before. We even got a round of free drinks and a desert (see what a little smile can get you sometimes haha).

I had a lot of fun.

I was pretty tired when we got in too. I like going out and then coming back and being exhausted that way I don't have to think so much before I try to go to sleep. It is the worst feeling in the world to stay up until like 6am trying to force your mind to hush up long enough for you to go to sleep. That's another reason why I write. It quiets my mind somewhat....

Imitation is the highest form of flattery or the saddest form of self deception...???????

In the experiences so far on this earth:

I acknowledge the truth no matter how much it hurts me. I may not accept it until later though. But it is important for us to be honest with ourselves about who we are...

When I mention that most men are clowns/jokers (etc) I don't mean that they are physically I mean that they are mentality.
1. They avoid truth even about themselves.
2. They become w...rapped up in their mediocrity. Then they settle for it.
3. They don't use their intelligence to get out of their own mediocrity.
So they limit themselves from reaching their highest potential...

Still they want people to praise them as a "king" when they are merely a joker wearing the "kings" crown. Imitation is the highest form of flattery? or its the saddest form of self deception, knowing that you can't be who you truly are inside. Not because its impossible. But because you don't want to rise above mediocrity.

 

Check Your Motivations

 

That's why I suggest to people to:

(even I have to do it, constantly. Its a task but well worth it, if you want to aid in reaching your highest potential through Christ...)
 

"Check your motivations..."

Why are you doing what you are doing?
And are you doing it to get gratification for yourself
or
Are you doing it to be a blessing to someone else?
Do you really WANT to be a blessing to this person
or
Are you just doing it so that other people will think you are a "NICE PERSON...?"
There are questions that people need to start asking themselves and once they do they will open the door that walks them toward Gods perfect peace.