You Are The Life of The (((PARTY)))

I have not been able to write in this blog in awhile.

Here are some things that are going on in my life, that I hope that someone out in the "real world" can understand...

Everyone wants to laugh (hee hee haa haa) when things are going great. It is always a fun time when the party is in motion. But, what happens when the party is over and it is time to clean up? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the stinky beer rings on your table, floor and chairs? 

How many people stick around to help you clean up the throw up from too much drinking, the blood from the fights and organize your home back to the way it was? 

I refuse to let people come into MY LIFE and trash it with their insecurities, their failures, broken promises and lies. 

"Oh, I don't lie..." Really? Anyone who says they don't lie. Is a liar. Everyone tells a lie a some point in their life. But you should 

NEVER

EVER

EVER

EVER

EVER
LIE 

TO THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT

YOU

THE MOST

Reflection: VA (Life, Love and Christianity) (Part 1)

Imagine if Mary Poppins was a warrior chick instead of a smiling, singing, umbrella flying nanny...

I'm not like Mary Poppins or Plain Jane.

This time last year, I was stuck in Virginia, praying that I would go home. It was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. To be stuck somewhere, where you don't know anyone and where no one can give you the answers you seek. 

I reflect often because I never want to forget where I was, to where God has me now.

(Reflection) Adventure in VA: Purpose to Sing

(Reflection)Adventure in VA: the majority of the lady and men folk I met can sing all day. I found a "family" in the community of passionate singers (that was my gift) like myself.

Yet, sometimes when us singers get together it feels more like a competition and some days in my time there that's what it felt like. Competition, Favoritism, and Jealousy. When I'm in a choir I'm there to learn. Even if I'm not that passionate about the song. I enjoy learning it anyway, because there is always something NEW you can take from something unfavorable.

A part of me didn't feel that I had any room to spread my "singing wings." I wanted to much to do more. My spirit was always calling to serve, but as soon as I would get up enough courage to say something about that, then someone else had already taken the "position" or the position was already given to someone else out of favoritism. 

Please, don't get me wrong I love to sing, any music that can be used to edify God, encourage or inspire another life to do better in their own I'm all for. But, favoritism. I'm not for that. How do you know that someone else isn't more qualified for the position? You never even gave them a chance. 

But on another note:

I met a young lady and man who both have excellent classical voices. When I discovered that they could sing like that, I almost choked on my own happiness. lol Wow! people that like classical music like me! Cool! haha

It was a "learning" experience. But, more than that I learned that in order to lead you have to be able to follow and take instruction. You can't be a leader and think you know it all, because God will end up showing you a thing or two that just might blow your mind

SO! You Want To Be A Leader???

I'm learning a lot about myself in this journey of "firsts." The only person that I can self reflect on is me. If, I want those around me change or have a more positive energy in their lives, then I have to be a source of positive energy, does that make sense? 

I know how to lead, but I don't know how to lead a team. Normally, when I put myself out there people just follow me or copy after what I want, but when I realize that they are following me then I take myself out of the spotlight and hide. 

I don't like people to copy off of me. I want everyone to be themselves and be original. But, since I'm called to reflect Christ, there is NO ME. It is only the fruit of the spirit of GOD that other people need to see me walking, talking and living in. 

Here are the fruits of the spirit: 

I think right now, I'm learning how to walk in love, peace and joy. See, I know how to lead when it comes to business, like getting a team college project done or doing a company team portfolio project! Hands down! I gotta it! Now I just have to transfer that same passionate spirit, to learning how to be about the Lords' business. 

Sometimes I let what is troubling me show on my face. In other words I don't really have a good poker face. haha When something isn't right in my spirit it will certainly show on my face! 

When people do me "dirty" and I KNOW that they did me dirty but they walk around like nothing ever happen, it will certainly show on my face. I don't like liars. I don't like cowards. 

With that said... I have to learn that everyone is at a different level in their spiritual walks. Some are on level one and others are on level 8. I also have to remember that there are also levels of maturity. As long as I stay grounded in the level of maturity that God has me at, then I know that others will eventually (after much prayer lol) rise to my level of commitment and dedication. I have learned to leave my "baggage outside the front door" before I go into choir rehearsal. I try not to bring any worries from the day into my praise and worship and or choir rehearsals. If, I do then I don't feel like my entire attention is on God. 

Glory Be To God: Give Love To Get Love

I thank God for keeping me safe and for providing for me. Glory be to God for his mercies and grace over my life. I thank God for sending his only son to die on the cross for my sins. Without the obedience of his son and the sacrifice of God, I would not be able to have a connection with Abba Father.
                             
SO, here we are going to recap some of the most handsome and beautiful faces. God sent them to love me and to keep a smile on my face while on this journey. And I thank God for each and every one of them! And so, I dedicate this blog to their memory and to always loving them!

Hope you enjoy! I love you!
 

Riding with the Craigslislt Truck Driver

People have to understand that when you go through a break up, for some it takes less than a day to "get over it" and for others it takes longer. I really love him and although, I didn't always say the right things or respond in the best way. I NEVER left his side when things were falling a part in his life.

So, for him to do me "dirty" like this and for no one to say anything makes me question what kind of Christian folk I'm dealing with? "Put it in Gods hands", says the choir....yeah but God gave us brains to do the RIGHT THING. I had common sense enough to do the right thing: repent to God, then apologize not only in a text but also to his face. Yes, I asked God for the courage to make it right on my end.

IF your boyfriend or husband or any man that you trusted promised they would stay by your side through your transition and then because you weren't finding paid work fast enough, and because you weren't saying the right things and acting in a way that pleased his ego... and he drop kicked you to the curb in the middle of a new town where you don't know anyone, far away from your family, you would be pissed too. The least he can do is take me home since he brought me here. wow...

Anyway, I did post an ad on craigslist so that I could get out of Woodbridge, VA. I'm tired of being in the same town of as him, going to same church and bible study and him not evening saying hi. How rude? He brought me here, then he just abandons me in the middle of my transition. Wow. Thanks a lot. And a lot of the young folks around here have always had mommy and daddy to rely on, so when they try to give me advice it makes me roll my eyes. PLEASE! Don't try to give me advice on a situation that you don't understand.

I wanted to get in that truck with that truckdriver that I met off cragislist. He said that I didn't have to pay and he also said that he would help me a bus ticket to get closer to my destination. But then my grandmother called me and said that she tried to pray and that she had a "bad feeling." That her "visions" were not right. This of course happened right after I spoke to God and asked him to send me confirmation on what he wanted me to do.

I want to go home, but the guy who brought me here won't take me home. I want to be with my family, but I can't get to them. I'm only 3 hours away and I can't even get to my family. I already spent thanksgiving here, which was nice but inside I was crying the whole time. I wanted to spend the holidays with my family. Everyone else got a chance too, so why can't I?

I will never trust another man again. Every time a man comes into my life he always messes things up. Makes promises and then breaks them. If he was in the situation he would want justice to be done too. He wouldn't want someone to make promises to them and then break them at the last minute, during the most critical time when you need them the most! Are you kidding? Then walk around like nothing ever happen. Dude GET REAL!

There isn't anything left to do except to wait for either one of two things to happen for God to: 1. send me a car or 2. for God to send someone to come and pick me up and take me home.

 

Mrs. So and So: The Bride, Marriage and the "Never I Do"

                          
He sent me this when he first was excited because he swore up and down that I was his wife. That God had sent me to him. That he prayed for me and God sent him me, to be his wife. He told me to "remember this for later" then not even two weeks later he was running away, pushing me away, acting out in a horrible teenage like manner, throwing tantrums and cursing. And that's the man that is suppose to be the "priest of the household" that I'm apart of? No, I don't think so.

I wish I could meet a man who was confident enough in God and his abilities and talents through Christ that he wouldn't feel the need to beat down the strength of God in me. That's the issue that I faced most when I use to date. Instead of them protecting the strength and love of God in me, they always tried to belittle it, tear it down, stomp on it and when they couldn't do that, then they would "feed me" to the lecherous beasts, vultures and devils in the world by abandoning me at critical times when I needed them most. That's why I depend on no man. Just God. Just he is the only one strong enough to play the "superman role" in my life.

Then I have to remember: I find it strange that a man who is in his mid 30's isn't already married. So, when they tell me oh I was married once before... my first question is, "why are yall not together now?" and my second question is, "What did he do?" Because more often than not, the man always did something to initiate the downfall of the marriage.

I have to admit that when I thought I was "engaged" I was really excited. The truth is, that he didn't want me to talk about us going to the court house to get our marriage license because he said he felt "pressured" and "rushed." (Keep in mind he was the one that was excited about the idea in the first place....But in my head I'm thinking, "wow, you don't want me to talk about it, because really you either are not sure if you want to marry me, 2. are really secretly married to someone else or in love with someone else 3. are ashamed for people to know about something that should be a joy to you..."

Any man who really loved me would be thrilled for me to carry their last name, but no...not him...even though he was the one that was SO excited by the idea at first...

I told him I understood but that it would not make sense for us to be Mr. and Mrs. so and so without rings. Then when I started posting pictures of the type of rings that were my "dream" rings that's when he really got all undone. All he had to do was tell me to stop posting about it, but instead (like a child who throws a tantrum when they don't get their way...) he grew distant and that's when I knew that he wasn't strong nor mature enough in his spirit to be in the type of relationship that I envisioned.
                                       

           

It was a sad moment of revelation, but the "realist" in me rose up and closed the deal on the whole thing. I tried to fix it with love and promises to do better, but because he never had any real "love" for me in the first place there was no glue (the love of God is it!) to hold us together. So, there I was trying. Pouring my heart and soul into trying to make things work once again and he became distant and nonchalant and didn't care.... and even when I tried to be friends after that's when I really saw his true colors even more. I tried to send him prayer text messages because I said that I would continue to pray for him, since he is going through some things and of course like every other guy I ever tried to have a "mature adult relationship" with, he gave me the silent treatment, disappeared, vanished, poof, gone.

When I look back through our text messages, I have to laugh because just a week ago he was saying how much he loved me and now he doesn't speak to me at all. Sound familiar? Well it is, because it is the exact same pattern that lead me here in the first place.

The only difference is that he and I never thought about, talked aobut getting married, nor having children together (yeah, I thought this man was Heaven sent enough to believe that I would be the one to have his first son).

But, the truth is I was in love with the idea of being a bride, a wife and mother but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be all that with him in my life. There was something unsettling about, the entire thing that made me question and instantly pray about it from the start. Things were moving way too fast and I could seem to control the flow of it. The 3rd day I had already met his parents. Of course in my head I thought, "this has to be love...he must really love me!" (yeah, sure! lol). You never know if someone truly loves you until you go through the fire with them a few times and see that they are still standing by your side.

That's how I know that every man who ever made me a promise or said "I love you" to me was a liar, because if they loved me they would still be in my life today. I may not know everything, but God has blessed me with some "years beyond my age" type of wisdom that let's me know that things are either right or wrong.

And saying that you love someone, then disappearing from their life because you don't like what they said, what they did etc is wrong. And it just proves that you're immature and not ready for a real mature adult relationship. Granted, if I point the finger, then I better be ready to have it pointed back at me, right? And since I know that I take full responsibility for not always walking in love. But in this situation I could have acted a lot worse. But by sticking by his side through his "tantrum" I showed him that I keep my word. That I don't "run when things get tough." All that talk about "honesty" and "communication" went straight out the window as soon as he got upset with me. Then I started to see some qualities that reflected when I was in an abusive relationships during college (real bad, real, real, real bad...) and after I prayed and reflected on it that's when I knew it was time to go.

Any man that curses at me or even looks like they want to hit me during an argument is not a man that I can respect nor see myself marrying nor being with. So, once again God looked out for me. Even though I wanted to be a bride, be married and hear him say, "I do." I didn't want to do it with a black eye and a bloody lip.

 

 



 

 

How Much Do You Want More of God? (Call To Ministry Part 2, New Direction...)

I attended a different church this morning. I was lead to attend a small church on the other side of town. The intimacy of it reminds me of reaping the harvest. I was welcomed, but I didn't really feel the presence of the holy spirit there until we started to pray.

I'm use to attending a church where I walk in and the anointing is so high that it immediately cleans up your spirit and the second you step into the door. 

I don't know if I'm biased or if I'm just use to being around strong, highly anointed followers of Christ. Those who are met were kind but they were more of church for outreach, more than a church that teaches about the bible. Also, they are just kind of starting. I'm going to pray about it, of course and if God says so, then I will help out and start their praise and worship team. 

I feel that God is calling me to do more than just praise him. I feel like I'm suppose to go out and talk about how awesome God is and how faithful and merciful God is. But, I'm not sure what direction he wants me to go in with this ministry. 

So I'm praying on that too... 

I'm also praying that God sets things in motions so that I can be married soon. I'm excited about becoming the wife to a wonderful strong man of faith. I wish my family in NC could share in this joy with me. I miss them very much, but I'm sure that he and I will get around to visiting NC soon. 

I'm finally happy for the first time in awhile and I'm not letting anyone steal my joy. He respects the fact that I'm a writer. But most importantly he doesn't try to beat down my intelligence or belittle my passion for God. I was so tired of having to play the hush, hush game. Don't sing too loud. Don't praise God too loud or too much because you might offend or scare someone away... 

IF my passion for GOD is that strong to scare someone away from going to church, then that means they were not truly sold out for Jesus in the first place. There should be no man nor woman that takes you away from your passion, praise and yearning for Gods' truth. 

If I were out in the world, like in the old days all this struggle would not exist. I would have everything that I want and I would be spoiled. Men would flock to my feet and give me whatever I wanted. But, I don't CHOOSE to live my life that way. I want to leave a legacy of Greatness that reflects Gods' love, light and truth. I want something more than just superficial, temporary highs. I know that there is more. And God is the key to that something more... 

Women's bible Study (10/7/2013): Notes and Reflections

First: All honor and glory go to GOD for using the Teel's to be a blessing to many lives, not just my own. I'm very thankful that GOD led Mr. and Mrs. Teel to start back bible studies.

The first women's bible study was more about addressing issues and learning about strongholds and how to get rid of them. It was more of a "girl chat" verses an actually bible study.

The one we had on Monday October 7th 2013 was more focused on God. We learned more about God. We learned more about his word. It was amazing. The presence of God was certainly there! It wasn't just a cry fest where we all come together and talk about our problems. No that's not what women's bible study should ever be about. But it was that we all were coming together, and encouraging one another in our individual walks with Christ.

Our relationship with Christ is the most important relationship that we can ever have.

SO here are the notes that I wrote down. I pray that they bless someone's life:

We talked about how Lucifer was Gods most beautiful angel before his fall. When Lucifer started to boast in his own glory and not give God the glory for making him beautiful, God kicked him out of Heaven... (summary not word for word).

Eek: 28:16

Affectation: Pretending. Behavior that is assumed rather than natural.

1. God never used talent to evangelize

2. God never promotes a person based on their talent

3. God never chose a person who was looking to be chosen.

When God Sends My Husband: King meet Queen

I'm happy to have my own spot, where I can think and read the word of God. But it is lonely here. The only person that I trusted and thought had my back, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't have very many friends here. I still need to get a car to drive, so I'm praying that God will bless me with one asap.

He said he wanted to be friends, but friends talk to each other, share their stories about their day and their dreams and plans etc. When I tried to make conversation he would go back to having a bad attitude. So eventually I stopped trying all together...

In generally I'm a pretty upbeat person. The only time when I'm stressed is when someone rejects the love that I give or when someone is not being honest with me or when someone lies and then tries to turn it around like it was my fault for accepting their help in the first place. I gave him plenty of chances to "run away" (that's what I know that most men who say they can handle me do best...) but he still stayed. He stuck it out and for once I thought, that maybe I had met my match. But when the storm came and the boat rocked violently that's when I saw his true colors and he saw my passion for God come forth...

Queen Through Christ: Ministry? Love? Runway?

Here is what I'm learning:

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

(Very easy, but some people have the hardest time with it. I know that I did for awhile. Until I started to put myself in the shoes of others and God began to deal with my heart and humble my spirit...)

You never know what situation God will put you in, so right now you might be in a position where someone needs your help and if you turn them away or help them with a bad attitude you will push back your blessings. 

I always tell people to watch how they treat me, but they don't listen then when bad things happen they can't figure out why or they can't figure out why the door hasn't been opened for them to move on in life. 

Just DON'T mistreat me. I'm asking people to cater to my ego or kiss my feet. I'm just asking for one heart to another to just show love. 

But, if you mistreat people you never know who later in life you will need. God can fix turn anyway situation. So, right now I'm dependent on someone to help me get to work. But you never know, this week God can turn that all around where they may be the one needing me. And you are probably rolling your eyes, but don't underestimate my God. He is awesome, almighty king of kings and lord of lords. Author and finisher.

Rebuild me in your Humility, Father God: Youth Explosion! (Souls4Real)

I did not think that I was strong enough to start over on my own. Oh, but God is too awesome! I felt alone. I felt scared. I felt tired, but God wants me here. My task is not complete yet. There are still lessons that he needs me to learn. I am being rebuilt in humility. 

 I did not come expecting to be apart of one of the most powerful choirs I have ever experienced on my time on this earth. Nor did I expect to receive as much love as I have and am still receiving. 

I had to learn to be obedient to the will of God. I had to learn to submit my entire heart, mind, soul and body to God so that he could clean me up and use for his glory. 

Last night I went to a youth Christian conference. The anointing was so high. I walked into the church feeling heavy and tired and I left feeling free, peaceful, filled with love and the word of God. 

I had never been apart of a church choir where every member was on fire for Gods love! The other thing is that, there are young adults like myself who are passionate about following Christ, the way I am too!

The experience was one of healing and restoration and most of all peace. God wants me to walk in his love and in his peace. He needs me to learn how to do this quickly, because he is preparing me for something greater than myself. I can feel it. There is a shift in the atmosphere. 

I was so focused on what everyone else needed that I forgot to "take care" of myself. Not just the physical necesseities but more importantly with the spiritual. 

God opened the door for me to be here for a reason and right now I don't know exactly why, but I have to trust in God wholeheartedly. I can not waver in my faith.

Last night was the most fun since I have been here. I sang to my Father. I gave him all the glory and praise! I cried. I gave hugs. I sang my heart out. I danced! Then after it was all over. I ate pizza and chips with other followers of Christ. 

I want so much to share this fire with those that I love, but I know that I can not make someone else love and be passionate about the love of God in me, the way I am. They have to want to get closer to Gods love too, all on their own, not only so they can recognize it in others but also so they can be a blessing to many lives. 

I found what makes me happy. When I get to sing, and give all praise to God that's when I am most happy. When I get to talk about how awesome God is, that's when I smile the most. When I get to share the love of God in me with his children that's when joy overflows in my spirit. 

I'm happy with the church I attend, with the job at the school, with all the awesome and wonderful powerful followers of Christ I'm meeting. But most of all with all the love I'm receiving. Yes, it is true that I'm a handful at times. But God still sends people to love me through all of that. 

No, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I have my moments when my ego takes over. But, Oh! How awesome and mighty the love of God is.

I seal myself in the peace of God in the name of Jesus Christ. 
I walk in Gods peace in the name of Jesus Christ. 
I am consumed in Gods peace in the name of Jesus Christ. 
I am Love and Love is me, because Gods love lives in me. 

         

Gladiator For Christ: Preparation for Greater

I feel like this whole situation is preparing me for something greater, yet I don't know what it could be. The truth is I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to be held. I wanted to feel as if my heart was protected. I was so tired of dating men who did me wrong, played my heart, stepped all over the love of God in me. That finally in mind I thought "Wow! A Christian man loves God so he will recognize the love of God in me and want to protect Gods love in me and keep me safe!" But.....that's the romantic in me talking. 

Naturally, I'm always the strong one, but this time God is showing me where my weaknesses are. I'm too trusting. I love too deeply too soon. Yes, it hurts. To know that the love you give is not returned in the same way. But God is greater than that hurt. And he can take that hurt and anything else, fix it, change it and turn it around for his glory!

 I have spent hours crying, talking, fussing, thinking about the "hows" and the "whys" and the "maybes" or "what ifs" and what I really need to do is just walk in the grace of God and trust in his reasoning and in his plan. I can feel the dagger, the knife, the sharp pain slice into my heart slowly. Twisting and turning as it plunges deeper into me. It is excruciating! Screaming! TORMENT! But it has to be done...

I can not avoid it. I have to learn how to endure it. So that the next time there is pain like this or even greater I will not die from it. The devil wants to take me out. Kill me. Destroy me. And I can not let that happen. I have to fight it and I have to fight with the word of God and prayer. I can not get lazy and I can not depend on others to help me fight. I must do this on my own...

Deceptions Truth: Example Through Action

I find it very unnerving when I meet men who assume that just because I look at them a certain way or smile at them or give them any attention at all that, that somehow means that I like them more than I really do. 

Instead of just pulling me to the side and asking me, "hey, are you feeling me? or I'm feeling some weird vibes, what's up?" They have to get a pompous, big ass dome, throw a tantrum or parade around like a damn clown. I don't like you. I have already overcome any obstacle you thought you provided. 

My only focus is getting closer to Gods love and truth. 

On top of that I'm happy with the life I have. Don't like the truth. Then tactfully confront me. If that is not something you can do then don't even get offended by this piece of writing and move on with life or get offended and simmer in your own pity party. You aren't affecting my walk with Christ either way. 

Oh, God why do you have me hidden?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uapS4XkI0Y4&feature=share&list=PLjExZAt1WJdLkj9O3JoAj1YRMM3ZCwYrM

Dating & Spiritual Warfare: Tricks of the devil

People don't believe that spiritual warfare is real. I know that I have said that before. But it is a true statement for most, if not the majority. 

I sometimes think that men are less likely to believe in spiritual warfare than women, although I have no scientific facts ("hard evidence") to back that statement up with. 

There is a lot going on in the world that people just look right over. 

I'm writing this entry because recently I have noticed that some old male guys interests that I use to like and or be or enamored with have resurfaced. I know that is just the trick of the devil. I also know that the older gentleman who use to stalk me (yep, long story but it is true) is just a test of my patience and faith. 

How he got me to be his friend was through music and offering money and although, he extended help, he did it for all the wrong reasons. 

I think everyone around me pretty much caught on after awhile. Although, it bothered me that it took them a lot longer to see the truth than I did. He claimed that he was attending church because he wanted to get closer to God. But whenever he was there he just sat there staring at me like a psycho. 

I'm sure that people change. I know that God can clean up anyone's heart. But at the time he had a very strong possessive spirit on him. That's another reason why I'm selective about dating, because like I have said before some men seem to think that just because I hang out with them and or give them any bit of attention (even just a hello or smile) that, that somehow means that I want to be their girlfriend and or I like them more than a friend. 

It is very annoying and it makes situations awkward. I'm the type of lady that just enjoys good company and awesome conversation. I'm not trying to rush into anything too serious and I'm not trying to be possessed or controlled any man. That is just how it is. When a man starts saying "YOU CAN'T...." then I start saying "I CAN" and I walk away. 

I'm at a point in my life where I'm going to do the things that I enjoy with or without an adventure partner. The strange thing is that people are not as generous as I would like to believe. Some people can genuinely give without expecting anything in return. That is very evident with the acceptance and love of my god family. 

But I don't find too many men, nowadays who are like that. I did meet one who isn't cheap, disrespectful, possessive with minimized ability to hold an intelligent conversation. He doesn't make lame jokes to make up for that sometimes "awkward" silence that happens between a man and a woman. He doesn't say ridiculous phrases like "that's what she said..." in order to compensate for his lack of confidence in conducting himself as a grown, adult man. 

I have a lot of issues with men because they demand respect from women but they don't do anything that deserves respect. Just because they breathe and have extended body parts somehow makes them entitled. OH? but wait! We are entitled because we DO NOT PUT UP with your BS? Is that how that works? So if we played your games and allowed you to win so you can feel like a man then you would want to treat us right? 

Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No one has time to baby sit a grown ass man. Be honest with how you feel, enjoy life and treat people the way you want to be treated. Very simple life, right? Yeah, as long as they don't skip the first step 

BE HONEST!