To All The: Freaks, Misfits, Outcasts, MisUnderstoods,

I have changed. 

Love found me in the dark. 

And now I have changed. 

Affection desired to know my name. 

And now I have changed. 

It was inevitable. 

Like a promise that is untimely broken.

Instrument of War: (Wrath and Righteous Anger)

It is only by the use of the Word of God and

Through Christ Jesus that any human can have any real power that can rise against evil forces. 

These are recordings of a day in the life of a Queen through Christ. 

Her every day struggles of what a realistic walk with Christ can be like. No one is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. Yet, some criticize, stand back and wait for you to fall and die. While others stand and gaze on with a tinge of admiration that quickly turns into jealousy. 

But, not to be discouraged. 

Encouragement & The Ten Commandments

Why comfort yourselves together, and edify 

one another, even as also you do.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Revelation about Beauty: Beauty From Pain

Some women get to be Mary Poppins, Others get to be GI Jane. 

Sometimes you get to pick. Other times life picks for you. 

SO! You Want To Be A Leader???

I'm learning a lot about myself in this journey of "firsts." The only person that I can self reflect on is me. If, I want those around me change or have a more positive energy in their lives, then I have to be a source of positive energy, does that make sense? 

I know how to lead, but I don't know how to lead a team. Normally, when I put myself out there people just follow me or copy after what I want, but when I realize that they are following me then I take myself out of the spotlight and hide. 

I don't like people to copy off of me. I want everyone to be themselves and be original. But, since I'm called to reflect Christ, there is NO ME. It is only the fruit of the spirit of GOD that other people need to see me walking, talking and living in. 

Here are the fruits of the spirit: 

I think right now, I'm learning how to walk in love, peace and joy. See, I know how to lead when it comes to business, like getting a team college project done or doing a company team portfolio project! Hands down! I gotta it! Now I just have to transfer that same passionate spirit, to learning how to be about the Lords' business. 

Sometimes I let what is troubling me show on my face. In other words I don't really have a good poker face. haha When something isn't right in my spirit it will certainly show on my face! 

When people do me "dirty" and I KNOW that they did me dirty but they walk around like nothing ever happen, it will certainly show on my face. I don't like liars. I don't like cowards. 

With that said... I have to learn that everyone is at a different level in their spiritual walks. Some are on level one and others are on level 8. I also have to remember that there are also levels of maturity. As long as I stay grounded in the level of maturity that God has me at, then I know that others will eventually (after much prayer lol) rise to my level of commitment and dedication. I have learned to leave my "baggage outside the front door" before I go into choir rehearsal. I try not to bring any worries from the day into my praise and worship and or choir rehearsals. If, I do then I don't feel like my entire attention is on God. 

I Love You More Than I Love Myself

My child like heart died when they broke up with me. I came here thinking that they were going to help me get on my feet. I came here believing that they would have my back. But, the reality is that they did have my "back" and then they turned their back on me and walked away...

They promised my god family and my grandmother that they would take care of me. If they would have waited to break up with me after I got on my feet, then I would not have made a fuss. I would have understood and things would have gone a lot more smooth. But they broke up with me during one of the greatest transitions in my life. 

I have never been on my own before like this. I have never been so far away from my family, where I couldn't get anyone to help me. I trusted them to keep their word, at least if not to me, then to my god family and to my grandmother. 

I shared so much of my life with them and they did me "dirty." The worst part is they live right around the corner and they haven't come to check on me in like 3 months. They don't even care that I'm hurting and need their friendship and support the most right now. 

But, all of that is my reality, yet it is the past.

The thing about it is that even though they did me "dirty" I still love them and I still pray for them and encourage them in their walk with Christ. Their soul salvation is more important than all of this. Their relationship with God is more important than my walk to have them in my life or even to love me again. 

Each night that I pray for my family and friends I also pray that they are restored to full confidence and trust in God and fully walking in the truth, peace and love of God. I pray that their identity be stable in Christ Jesus. I pray that God fill them with Strength, patience, humility, peace, wisdom and agape love. 

When I met them that's how they were. Wise, humble, kind, filled with joy from the holy spirit. They always made me laugh and they were strong. They were focused on the Lord and they encouraged me to seek the Lord of myself. It was through their encouragement that helped me to get to where I am today. But it was the strength of God that sustained me through the fire and the "crushing." 

I don't wish them ill will. I do pray that they learn how to show love, during the times when things aren't going right in their life. I pray that for myself as well. I know that when I'm stressed and hurt I tend to take it out on others. I don't mean too, its not in me to be that way. If I'm aware of it in that moment I make sure to apologize quickly.

God is calling me to stand up in this strength that he has given me and I don't have any choice. He has moved to the side all of those who are not on my spiritual strength level or higher. I want my friends back. I want to go home. I want the love and laughter back. But, I have a duty and responsibility to be obedient to the commands of the Lord first. I know that God will restore all broken friendships, relationships and marriages in the name of Jesus. 

I have bold faith in God, his abilities and all that he has, can and will do. 

Learning How To Speak In Love

Most of the time when I'm around a group of people I'm quiet for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I haven't learned how to speak (in love) constantly, the way most of the other members of the community have. 

My mother was the only one to administer hugs and kisses and the whole thing about "let's talk about it." But after she passed away, I was forced to be my own mom, dad, brother, sister, friend and protector. I use to be very sweet. Very kind. Very loving. You asked me to do anything for you, not only would I do it but I would also go above and beyond to do extra because I knew that it would make you well pleased. A "people pleaser" is what I use to be. Until, "enough was enough." Then to go a step beyond that, until... I was re-introduced to God again. 

Missing My Grandma: Welcome To The Party You Never Showed Up For

I feel very alone. I miss my grandmother very much, but each time I try to go back home something always happens to where I never can make it there. 

This is my situation: 

1. The person who brought me here abandon me. 

2. I'm stuck in a place where I don't really know anyone. 

3. I don't have any of my family nor friends here. 

4. I don't have a car to get to the places that I need to go. 

5. This is my first time being out on my own like this. 

6. I need a lot of support and encouragement

7. The person who brought me here stopped supporting and encouraging me. 

If you look at those 7 things, the first thing you might think is, "dang that's messed up!" Trust me every person that I share this part of my testimony with, says the same thing. There is no way around it. There is no way to put a pretty bow on it and make it look nice. 

But, what is worse is that the people who swear up and down that they love God, well they knew about them doing me dirty and did nothing about it. They sat back and watched them treat me bad. 

They laughed. They made jokes at my expense. The entire time while they were doing this, I was steadily praying for them, so that their situation could be made right. And lo' and behold not much longer after they were re-united with the love of their life, while I was losing mine. 

I tried to tell people in my new "Christian family" about what was going on and they would just sweep it under the rug and laugh it off like it was no big deal. They would have felt really bad if a suicidal spirit jumped on me and took me under and I ended up killing myself. But to God be the glory for giving me the strength to overcome. To God be the glory for sending "spiritual parents" to guide me to scriptures that were able to feed my spirit to keep me from being overtaken by negative spirits. 

When I tell you that the spiritual battlefield is real. 
I mean exactly what I say. 

The "Protecting" Spirit: Take A Bullet For You

 

The thing about me is that whenever someone is hurt or sad I instantly go into this "guardian angel" type of mode. Where I feel responsible for bringing them out of whatever dark place they are in. When God moves me away from them, so that I can't help them by praying for them or giving them a hug or making silly faces. It breaks my heart.

I know what its like to suffer. To actually wish and hear myself say that I would rather here a "pretty lie, than the the ugly truth." But, that's only because when you are hurt, sad, depressed and you feel far from God, all you want is something to make you feel better.

Well, I realized that for my loved ones that were hurting (while I was in a good place) all I could do was pray for them. Whenever I see people hurt I want so much to hold them in my arms and absorb all their pain. Just like when I see a child cry, that's the first thing I think of to do, pick them and hold them so they feel loved, comforted and protected.
                             
It is not different with grown men and women, because all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior are my brothers and sisters.

But, like I said God has to move me sometimes, so that they can go through the crushing. The job of carry their cross is reserved for Jesus Christ alone. And when God feels that I'm "protecting" my loved ones too much from their life lessons, spiritual spankings or the "crushing." He will move me away and there won't be anything that I can do about it...

I would have gladly taken all their pain, on myself because I knew that I was strong enough to handle it. I will gladly take a bullet for them, if ever it came down to not just for them but for all my loved ones. That's just the type of person I am, at the end of the day. After all the makeup is off, and I'm finally out those 6 inch heels and in some flats. My hair is tied up and I'm ready for bed. I turn into a big "mama hen." And when people need love. I have enough of it to share. More than enough actually.

When I don't get to share that love, I feel my spirit die a little bit more each time. So, that's why I ask God to send people who not only need love but also those who are ready to receive. Because in the right spirit, I tap into the love of God in me and his love is powerful enough to heal. The love of God melts the bitterness and crust right off. I know it, because when someone else shared the love of God in them with me, that's exactly what it did for me.

And I thank God for that, every day.

The Million Dollar Question: Why Are You So Aggressive??

People ask me that question, all the time and to be honest after much reflection I really don't know exactly but I have a couple of reasons.

1. I grew up in a household of strong women. There was mostly abuse in the all the relationships that the women in my family were apart of. So, an example of what a good Christian marriage looks like was never in my memory bank.
                    
2. Most of the men that I found a pattern of me dating were always the "nice guys" and I found that the nice guys never had much of a backbone. When other dudes would come up to me and try to get "boughty boughty" because they wanted my attention, the dude I was dating would just stand there and watch him grab on me or he would "run to the car." Haha, yep...

So, from those experiences I started to just stand up for myself.

I don't have any choice but to be aggressive because the men who come into my life are not strong enough to play the masculine "aggressive" role. They get a little splinter in their finger and turn into drama kings! *ugh*

Especially Christian Men: How is he going to be the head of the household, protect his wife and children when he is throwing a tantrum, being selfish and acting like a jerk? Nor can he be the king with the attitude and behavior of a joker. Always laughing because everything is so funny. Better to make a joke about it and sweep it under the rug than actually deal with the problem. And God wants me to submit to that? *UGH*


Then when the "nice guys" would start showing their true colors. I started to get pissed. Not only could not stand up for me, but they were always treating me like crap because they were too weak to stand up to the man who made them cower with their tail between their legs. Wow!

Thanks. So much for showing that you love me (insert sarcasm).

Most of the men I meet just don't have a backbone strong enough for me. They always claim that they can "handle me." But as soon as something goes wrong then they start throwing a tantrum... "I just want my space back..." DUDE! your a grown man and you are whining because you have to share your space. WOW. get real.

I'm sorry, but I'm just telling it like it is. Too weak, too immature. If I wanted to raise a boy into a man, I would just ask God to bless my womb with a son. But, since I'm not in a position to properly take care of children. I shouldn't be training and grown adult male how to be a man.

I mean dang my dead great great great great great, ancient bones grandpa has more backbone in his pinky then most of these guys out here! Its pathetic.

Every time they get into a bind, they always run to mommy and daddy to put a band-aid on it. Dude! Its life. Suck it up! Got a scrape on their knee and now they need a flinstones band-aid and a lollipop to make them feel better. Instead of them facing the issues head on they either:

1. Bury themselves into video games, work, food or hanging out with the boys.

2. Throw tantrums

3. Distance themselves entirely from the situation

What makes it even worse are meeting men who claim to be CHRISTIAN and flaunting around their bold faith, confidence and trust in God and then when one horrible thing happens all of that goes straight out the way. How are you going to be a KING, but you acting like a joker? DUDE get real!

That's why men don't like me because I tell me what the real is and I don't bite my tongue for anyone. Yes, I can be sweet but when it comes to how a real man should act (especially a Christian man) please don't get me started or we will be at that converstation all day and I will start PREACHING!

And of course other women always think its "no big deal" until it happens to them. What if you came home one day and your husband had his bags packed and was ready to walk out the door? Or he started hanging out with his home boys all the time?

None of the relationships that I have had, except one were that deep but the examples are still the same. The distance. The rejection. The confusion all lead to hurt. And if he was any of kind of man and really loved you, he would just talk to you about it. Or if there were any apologizing that needed to be done. He would just admit that he was a selfish jerk, apologize and move on. Not through a text message, but to your face. Like a real man should.

Too many boys trying to fill their daddies shoes way before their time. You don't even have chest hair yet and you trying to "run the show" BOY! Please get your life in check!

But... on the other side. I do have that hope. That God hears my prayers about what type of husband I want. Because the one thing that is an absolute requirement is for my husband to have a strong backbone. To be able to stand up for himself and for his loved ones.

I won't submit to a man who is a punk. If he is a punk then he will raise my sons to be punks too. And what good will that do on the spiritual battlefield? NONE 



 

 

Love Like Christ: Missing You

Dear You,
                  
I can't explain all the changes that God is making in me, because even I don't really understand them. I have self reflected over this entire situation over and over and yet I still come to the same conclusion. That one, God is in control and two, I still and always will love you.

There is no excuse for how I acted and what I did. Although, I was honest in telling you that I'm a writer. When I write I feel free. It is the same way with my singing. You know how important me being able to sing is or at least I pray you do.

I came here thinking that we were going to be some kind of "bonnie and clyde" team. That things would move fast enough for us to finally get ourselves on our feet as individuals so we could help one another out. But, God had other plans...

When I saw that things were moving a little bit faster for me and not for you all I wanted to do is protect you. So, the money that I orignially had to go home I used to stay longer so that I could pray with you and stand by your side as you were starting to "go through the fire." I kept trying to intercede on your behalf, because I did not want to see you unhappy, miserable or sad in any way.

I thought if I asked God he would just put all your pain on me, open all new doors for you to walk through and then we could live happily ever. The end. But God had other plans...

I asked God to put your pain on me because I knew that I was strong enough to take it. But instead of doing that, he moved me away. So that only you can depend on him. It was a painful separation, since all I wanted was to help you and be there for you and stay by your side. But, the Will of God shall be done and obedience to his Will can not be denied, do you agree?

At the time I was still "fresh." In other words all the things that I know now I did not fully understand nor walk in then. Instead of giving everything over to God, I tried to take it on myself and in my flesh I hurt you and I failed at walking in the love of Christ. It hurt me just as equally to think about how I hurt you, as well as being seperated from you.

I miss you every day. I live about five minutes away from you, just in case you did not know. I always pray that you will stop by and visit me. I wonder if you have forgotten me or not.

I can not go back in the past and fix the things that I have said or done nor take them back. I had the chance to apologize to your face and even though I couldn't see your eyes I prayed silently that you understood. But, I could tell that you were still angry and that I was still hurt. I wanted so much to hug you and say "I'm sorry" I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I love you. I'm sorry. Over and over again, so that you would never forget how thankful I am to GOD for sending you to help me get closer to God.

If it had not been for you caring enough about me to help me, then I would not have been able to come to a place where I can get strong in my walk with Christ and learn more about the word of God and praise God as passionately as I do now.

I was stupid in love when I came here. I was set on taking care of you, because I'm happier when I get to take care of someone else. But when I stopped to think about it, I couldn't even take care of myself, so how could I help you? It killed me not to be able to help you as I wanted to. The more you pulled away, the more painful it was. I tried so hard to do my best to help you with what I had, but it did not seem to be enough for you. The more I loved you, the more violently you acted. Until one day you shut down on me all together. And when I needed you the most, you were nowhere to be found. When I needed you to pray with me you disappeared.

We went from praying with one another almost every night, talking about God, going to church together... to now we don't even speak. Like I said, I can't take back what I have done but I can learn from my mistakes and make sure that I do things differently next time. I'm always praying that God will send you back into my life, as I met you, fully trusting and confident in God, wise, humble, patient and kind... so that I can get a chance to love you the right way, clothed in my right mind, patient and fully walking in the love of Christ.

Agape Love is the only love that will out last all of this. The love of God is unconditional. Never changing. Constant and that is the only love that I ever want to share with you. And when I get that chance again I will hold in my arms and just thank God for who he is, for the second chance and for your life.  

 



Reflection of Bible Study 10-14-2013 (Take A Back Seat)

What I took from bible study: Is that God wants me to sit back. To stop giving so much. I give so much to everyone else that I don't have any energy left to take care of myself with. I care about Gods people. I want to see them happy, successful. So I spend the majority of my time praying for others, because I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW that GOD moves quickly when I pray for other people. I feel joy when I get to hear someone tell me that they received that job that they have been praying for, or God opened a new door in some kind of way... 

I enjoy attending bible study, because it is the only real time, other than church when I get to be around others who are truly passionate about God the way I am. 

But this time, instead of always being first to speak or always being the leader. I felt God telling me to sit back and observe. To be vigilant. Watchful. I did very little talking last night. 

I have many revelations throughout the week, but the one that is most strongest is about forgiveness. 

The only thing I want to do is apologize to him to his face. That's it. I just want things to be right between us. Even if he doesn't want to be my friend afterward that's okay but at least I got to apologize so the weight on my heart would not be so heavy. 

That's all that pray for that God will send him back into my life so I can apologize and move on... 

I will never understand why he chose to just turn his back on me and close the door to even a friendship, even after promising that he would be there for me and that we would still be friends.... 

You just don't treat people that way. Say one thing and then do another. I'm not perfect, but I would never turn my back on someone that I claimed to care about and love. Even if we were not in agreement on everything in life, so what? we are not always going to agree on everything. God made us unique individuals. 

But at the core, to give up on someone that you claim to love and care about because you are jealous of them or you don't like what they said or how they responded or whatever... is childish and petty. I'm done with the foolishness. 

I just want to apologize to his face, then go on my way because I know that God has greater and better things in store for me. 

I love him very much. I thank God that he sent him into my life to bring me closer to him(GOD). I pray that he stays focused on GOD, only. And walk in the path that God predestined for him to walk. In the name of Christ Jesus. The son of the living God. Amen. 

Transformation Purge: Heart of a Mad Scientist

I can't silence the "scientist" in me. I have tried many times. I always end up picking "her" back up.
I know that I could live a life without being analytical. But then I would be focused on being an entitled, spoiled, princess. That would only cause me more grief because I hate lying to myself and I hate being fake in my character.

If I don't like something/someone I just don't like them. If I play the princess role, I have to smile at people that I don't like. It is almost like having a hostess job (that's why its best to put distance between hostess positions).

I'm not someone that can hide my feelings easily. So, if something annoys me or bothers me it shows. Sometimes I express it (now, careful to express it out of love). Other times I just go away and write about it, because I don't want to be bothered with the drama that will pop up if I call them out on their bullshit.

I'm learning that not many people can take the truth, the way I'm starting to get better at doing. I'm also learning that even I have moments where the truth stings so bad, that I just have to runaway from it or sweep it under a rug. But, I'm learning not to do that. I'm learning to just face the pain.

Its like putting peroxide on an open wound. If you don't pour on the peroxide then the wound won't ever heal. So even though the liquid stings your flesh and brings you temporary pain, you still need that pain in order to heal.

That's the "trinity" aspect that I'm learning:

That even though we don't like pain, we still need pain to keep us humble and meek. Even though we don't like to hear truth, we still need truth to keep our egos from getting out of hand. If many had it their way they would rule the world. If everyone had their way and could rule the world then people still wouldn't be satisfied.

Why? Because someone would be jealous over how popular someone else was in ruling their portion of "the world" or jealous in the method that another person ruled the world. Humans are born to always want what someone else has. That is why we need Christ Jesus(Yeshua) to come into our lives and clean us up.

Boxing Ring of Intelligence: The Truth About Man

The thought of even wanting a boyfriend or any male affection is a form a form of mediocrity in my book. But because I'm not perfect and God is still healing me. I feel the need to talk about it.

If I were to have a boyfriend I would have to lower my intellect.

I don't think that most men are worth the time and hassle to even step into the ring of intelligence with me. I will rip their head off and eat their eyes for a snack.

The intelligence and wisdom that God gave me is powerful.

I have yet to meet a man who can stand in the ring of intelligence with me for longer than maybe 4 or 5 rounds. After about the 5th round they give up and declare they are tired or they get annoyed because they can't get me to agree with them.

If they are wrong. Why would I agree, just so they can feel good about themselves?

Also men lie too much for me.

They lie about simple things too. For example: If you don't want to hang out, why don't you just say I don't want to hang out. See how easy that is.

That way I can not waste my time on you and go find someone else to hang out with.

But the problem with men today that they are so afraid of looking like the "bad" guy. I would rather you just be honest than worry about looking like the "bad" guy.

Its saves me time. I don't want to waste any more time on losers.

Men think that they can appeal to my empathy, little do they know that I'm a "sweet ice queen" and I don't care about feelings when it comes to truth. I'm bluntly honest and I'm not biting my tongue for any man.

The other thing is that "nice guys" are only nice until they don't get their way. Then when they get their way they turn into the asshole. So really no man is a nice guy. They are all just assholes some just wear a full mask while others only wear a half of a mask.

 

 



 

In the past I thought that if I dated the "nice guys" that they would treat me better. But, even the nice guys decided that they wanted to mistreat me.

I find it so strange that when I see my exes now in my new life, they are treating their new gf or their wife like gold. They open her door and treat her like a lady. They are attentive and sensitive to her needs. They pull down the moon and the starts for her. Yet, when they were with me all they did was say one hateful thing after another. The interesting thing is that their new woman doesn't even seem to care if they are alive or dead. If they are with them or not. Its always the sluts that get treated like Queens and the Queens that get treated like sluts.

I made up my mind that I can't be with any man who doesn't have the mind of Christ. And seeks Gods truth and walking in Gods love. I also realized that just because a person is a man of God does not mean that he has the mind of Christ. A man that has the mind of Christ acts completely different. Is on a whole other level.

Most of my guy friends will get gfs at some point and when they do they will forget all about me. When those women cheat on them or break their heart they will find me and want to "hang out" again. But I have decided that I won't be available. Because I'm tired of being OLD FAITHFUL, sitting there waiting until he is done messing around for him to realize that I was the diamond that he dropped to pick up a pebble.

Diamond In Your Hand: See Me Through the Eyes of CHRIST

I am Love because the Love of God(YAHWEH) lives in me.

The Gift GOD Gave You: Diamond In Your Hand

When I talk to my guy friends and listen to them tell me all about their dating troubles and hardships...sometimes I get distracted by other things lol

Why?

Because, my guy friends always go for the slutbag, princess, or deceiver. But when they meet a woman of caliber they treat her like shit. So, I have turned off my sympathy to their situations.

I tell them all the time to be careful and to be vigilant, take their time. Don't just accept the first invitation given out. But they still choose to do what they want to do.

And then when they get hurt, stomped on and spit on somehow they find my ears and expect for my ears to give a shit.

Well, I don't... anymore. Some might think that is coming from a bitter place but that is actually coming from a "Let GOD handle" it place. I'm done talking. I will say what I have to say. Then I will let it be from here on out.

I have better things to do with my time than to try get them to see that GOD put a diamond in their hand that they should appreciate and take care of but instead they choose to pick up pebbles...

When they do that, they are saying with their actions that they don't care about the gift God gave them and that it is not good enough.

But I learned that when you don't appreciate the gift God gives you, not only will he take it away but he will always fix it so that either you will have trouble finding another diamond or that every time you think you found a diamond it really is a pebble.

I'm done with men not appreciating me.

That is to say that this friendship I have with my bestfriend is great at times, but mostly I know that he isn't fully aware of who I am and what I stand for. But I recognize that, and that is my own distress to myself. So I take full responsibility for the stress. I get bored and seek him out to entertain me. Deep down inside I know that I want him to ask me out, but he is steady picking up pebbles when GOD place me in his hand to be his diamond.

It is sad, but it is true and when I get tired of the one-sidedness I will move on because I deserve better. Not because I'm better than him or anyone else for that matter but because GOD deserves for me to treat this body(temple) better by being with a man that not only LOVES HIM but also recognizes the love and light of Christ in me.

 

"Nice guys finish last": Looking over Pretty

Many people say, "you're sooooooooooo pretty, why don't you have a boyfriend?" or when I go out for drinks with friends random men come up and ask me, "soooooooooo where is your husband?" After so many times of hearing those questions I start to wonder, "why don't I have a boyfriend?" or "why don't I have a husband?" Is there something wrong with me? 

I haven't really thought about dating in a long time. I have only been in twice in my entire time living. One was my freshman year in college and the other was most recently, despite how people might feel about that, my heart can't lie. When I feel it. I feel it. If i didn't I would not have fought so hard to keep them in my life. 

In my reflections I finally came to the conclusion that, you know how they say that "nice guys finish last" well sometimes "pretty girls don't finish at all." A lot of the attractive, well educated nice guys go for average looking chicks. Why? Because they don't have to compete with other men to keep those type of girls around. They don't have to worry about her straying away, because in their head they think that other guys won't want her. At least that's one way to look at it. 

Then most nice guys choose average girls because they know they don't have to work too hard to keep them interested in them. So, maybe its good that those so called "nice guys" pick average chicks so at least that way that eliminates the man dating pool of losers who don't want to treat me like the queen that I am. 

But, I guess what bothers me is that for some of the girls I know they seem to be in and out of relationships like crazy and their relationships don't just last a three weeks to six months they actually last for a couple of years. Then I reflect and well, damn I can't even get a guy to just be my friend. I either scare them away with my intelligence or when they find out that they can't put their hand in my cookie jar then they start treating me like crap. 

I have also come to realize that the "nice guy" persona is just a mask that assholes wear so that they can get the goodies. They don't really care about how you feel or what you did today. The whole time your talking they are thinking about how they can get you to take your clothes off. Maybe, that's just my horrible experiences with men talking and not my heart. But that's how I feel right now. 

I can't even date like a normal girl because then the man starts to get possessive and controlling. My step dad was like, so no I don't want to be associated with anything like that. 

Now, that I think about it, all the men in my life were never any good in the end. Even the two that I was in love with. They started out with the best of intentions but then like all men do they tried to mold me into their ex wife, gf, baby's mama, their fantasy dream girl. They weren't happy with me just the way I am. 

It gets tiring and frustrating when your heart and your love are not enough. When men are either too scared to talk to you or too lazy to meet a woman of caliber. They chase after the average girls, settle for them, have children with them, later cheat or divorce then wonder why they aren't very happy in life.

I do miss the cuddling and the kisses on the forehead. I do must being able to give hugs. I mostly miss feeling safe in a man's arms. But I haven't met a man strong enough to keep me "safe" for a long period of time. Most put on a front like they can, but as soon as shit hits the fan they are back to doubting themselves again and rejecting me, because they keep putting their past in their present... and ultimately because they don't get over their past they treat me like shit and then we break up. 

I refuse to be any man's "punching bag" or placeholder chick. I refuse to waste my time playing the wifey role only to have him break up with me, and then marry the chick right after me that he has only known for two weeks. Then later they get divorced and he tries to run back to me... no. no. no. honey.

I just wish I could meet a man who appreciated me, for me. A man that was on fire for God. Passionate about music, writing and philosophical conversations. A man that inspired and challenged me to think outside the box. A man that was dedicated to really caring about my life. A man that sat and listened to me to talk, instead of just passively listened. A man that was honest to my face and did not bite his tongue for me. A man that appreciated the beauty of my mind and heart before my body. 

But I guess that's only in fairytales really... *sigh*