As Long As You Are Happy: Spiritual Beatings (Real Love doesn't Quit)

I don't think God sent me here to be a famous superstar, despite what I post on my facebook. I have a strong feeling that God opened the door for me to be here so that I could a blessing to another family's life. 

My family really doesn't need me that much right now, anyway. My grandmother is taken care of. She has her little back. Food. A roof over of her head. It may not be her "dream" place but at least she has her independence. That is what she really wants to maintain. 

The aunt that I lived with for some years, finally has made peace with the choice her daughter made. My aunt is a grandmother. I don't think that she could be any happier, at this point in her life. I never seen my aunt have such a soft side. When I grew up with her she was straight military (considering she was in the navy for who knows how long lol). Also, the mother daughter bond that she has with her daughter is so much closer. That is another thing that I prayed for, for my aunts life, outside of peace in her heart mind soul and spirit. But, like I said God can clean up anyone for his glory....

Scientist vs. Model

I think modeling is fun. A person can learn a lot from the experiences that you get through meeting people in the modeling industry. But, a lot of young women are so hungry for fame, money and power that they miss the life lessons entirely. Then you have people who seem to be created for the sole purpose of selling you a dream in a hand basket. They don't care if you really make it or not as long they look good trying to get you to the top or as long they get some kind of reward out of the deal.

 

 





The people on your "team" those who manager your career or have anything to do with making you money are suppose to have your best interest at heart. But a lot of times they get sidetracked and want to mold you into the image that they conjured up in their mind of how you should be, what you should look like, and essentially who you should be.

I'm blessed enough to not have to deal with any of that, but when I first started modeling I certainly felt that pull. I certainly fell that I was betraying who I was. I wasn't comfortable in my skin when I first started. They wanted me to just take a pill and "magically" wake up feeling sexy and confident and free from inhibitions. But, that was the "Paris Hilton" mentality that all the girls seemed to fall in at the time.

God had other plans for me.

And after I decided that modeling wasn't where my heart was, I chose to sing. I took voice lessons and that's where I started building my confidence to sing in front of people.

I now look at everything I do as a confidence builder.

Even though I think modeling is fun, I think I would much rather be a scientist. IF there was a way that I could combine being a model and a scientist then I would because that way I could have the best of both worlds.

 

 



In being a scientist I'm free to use the gift of intelligence that God gave me. No one can mask it, nor mold me to fit their thoughts, unlike in modeling where if you don't wear the designers clothes or you can't fit in them then either you don't get to be in the show or you don't get to wear their outfit and you miss being in the scene. There is too much demand in modeling. To look a certain way and or to act a certain way.

And honestly I just want to say FUCK IT! I act and do what I want. If you don't like it kiss my ass. But in the modeling world you can't do that. Because as a model you need people to like you, so they will want to work with you. That's another reason why being a scientist is more appealing. I don't need anyone to like me nor think I'm cool nor beautiful. Heck! they don't even have to think that I'm smart. As long as I have facts to back up what I state and or consistent patterns of truth. My theory is valid and it say the potential to stick in the hearts of the minds of all who read my material or redo my study.

"Nice guys finish last": Looking over Pretty

Many people say, "you're sooooooooooo pretty, why don't you have a boyfriend?" or when I go out for drinks with friends random men come up and ask me, "soooooooooo where is your husband?" After so many times of hearing those questions I start to wonder, "why don't I have a boyfriend?" or "why don't I have a husband?" Is there something wrong with me? 

I haven't really thought about dating in a long time. I have only been in twice in my entire time living. One was my freshman year in college and the other was most recently, despite how people might feel about that, my heart can't lie. When I feel it. I feel it. If i didn't I would not have fought so hard to keep them in my life. 

In my reflections I finally came to the conclusion that, you know how they say that "nice guys finish last" well sometimes "pretty girls don't finish at all." A lot of the attractive, well educated nice guys go for average looking chicks. Why? Because they don't have to compete with other men to keep those type of girls around. They don't have to worry about her straying away, because in their head they think that other guys won't want her. At least that's one way to look at it. 

Then most nice guys choose average girls because they know they don't have to work too hard to keep them interested in them. So, maybe its good that those so called "nice guys" pick average chicks so at least that way that eliminates the man dating pool of losers who don't want to treat me like the queen that I am. 

But, I guess what bothers me is that for some of the girls I know they seem to be in and out of relationships like crazy and their relationships don't just last a three weeks to six months they actually last for a couple of years. Then I reflect and well, damn I can't even get a guy to just be my friend. I either scare them away with my intelligence or when they find out that they can't put their hand in my cookie jar then they start treating me like crap. 

I have also come to realize that the "nice guy" persona is just a mask that assholes wear so that they can get the goodies. They don't really care about how you feel or what you did today. The whole time your talking they are thinking about how they can get you to take your clothes off. Maybe, that's just my horrible experiences with men talking and not my heart. But that's how I feel right now. 

I can't even date like a normal girl because then the man starts to get possessive and controlling. My step dad was like, so no I don't want to be associated with anything like that. 

Now, that I think about it, all the men in my life were never any good in the end. Even the two that I was in love with. They started out with the best of intentions but then like all men do they tried to mold me into their ex wife, gf, baby's mama, their fantasy dream girl. They weren't happy with me just the way I am. 

It gets tiring and frustrating when your heart and your love are not enough. When men are either too scared to talk to you or too lazy to meet a woman of caliber. They chase after the average girls, settle for them, have children with them, later cheat or divorce then wonder why they aren't very happy in life.

I do miss the cuddling and the kisses on the forehead. I do must being able to give hugs. I mostly miss feeling safe in a man's arms. But I haven't met a man strong enough to keep me "safe" for a long period of time. Most put on a front like they can, but as soon as shit hits the fan they are back to doubting themselves again and rejecting me, because they keep putting their past in their present... and ultimately because they don't get over their past they treat me like shit and then we break up. 

I refuse to be any man's "punching bag" or placeholder chick. I refuse to waste my time playing the wifey role only to have him break up with me, and then marry the chick right after me that he has only known for two weeks. Then later they get divorced and he tries to run back to me... no. no. no. honey.

I just wish I could meet a man who appreciated me, for me. A man that was on fire for God. Passionate about music, writing and philosophical conversations. A man that inspired and challenged me to think outside the box. A man that was dedicated to really caring about my life. A man that sat and listened to me to talk, instead of just passively listened. A man that was honest to my face and did not bite his tongue for me. A man that appreciated the beauty of my mind and heart before my body. 

But I guess that's only in fairytales really... *sigh* 

Pretty Girls Get Free Stuff? Enter Mr. Buy you Drinks

I decided to create a new blog. I need a place where my beautiful intelligence can vent. I claim my intelligence as my own, but really God blessed me with it. I get upset because most men that introduce themselves to me don't seem to have an appreciation for Gods beautiful masterpiece. It is not just me though. I noticed it for other women too.

I don't know if this coming from a mature attitude or if it is coming from the recent unfortunate events that have occurred. Maybe it is just coming from me getting tired of playing that "bobble-headed" ditzy role. When I was in high school I use to think it was "cute." I even felt a little liberated by playing that naive role... like "What ever do you mean? I'm just a cute silly girl. I don't know any better..."

Well, excuse my language but fuck that. I get tired of men thinking that I don't know "A" from the letter "Z" and that the only thing I know how to do is be pretty. The older I get the worse it gets. When I was younger men thought I was "mature" when really I was a doodle brain starving for attention, because I thought I needed the approval and love from a man of the world.

Then I was re-introduced to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and my eyes opened. I felt a live! My spirit was rejuvenated. I no longer had to laugh at some psycho jocks' lame jokes or pretend to enjoy being around certain people when I really wanted to rip my skin off and run for the hills.

I no longer had to put up with dating guys that spit in my face, stepped all over my heart and took advantage of my kindness. I no longer had to put up with men putting their hands around my neck and telling me that I'm worthless and stupid; throwing things at me because I forgot to get an item from the store or beating me up because I spoke my mind. Sometimes just the sight of my smile would cause a man to be physically abusive to me. I should have known that any man who constantly lives in the past, talking about their ex wife, baby's mama, gf whatever is a psycho lunatic and needs to seek God to restore them to their right mind.

But that is not even the whole of it...

There was a time I met a guy who was on the "down low..." He swore up and down that he loved women, especially "black women..." "Black women are so much better than white women!" "I will never be with a white woman!" "I love the black woman..." "No other kind of women compares..." And blah blah blah blah.

Then guess what?

He was into MEN. YES! You read it correctly! All that talk about loving black women, blah blah and he really loved the penis. He tried so hard to convince himself that he was in love with women but the more he tried the worse his attitude was and the more he was physically abusive to me.

I don't know what it is, but men seem to think that they can just put their hands on me and get away with it. Then when I started to feel those aggressive behaviors stir inside of me I knew that it was time for a change. When you are always on the defensive. Always watching your back. Always expecting for the next prick to grab you around the waste and force himself on you. It makes you a little bitter and ready for battle every time a man (whether kind or not) even looks at you the wrong way.

I don't know if you ever had a man force himself on you, but its not a good feeling. Its a TERRIBLE! VIOLATING experience and it makes you feel worthless and helpless. To scream at the top of your lungs for someone to help you, to get that pig away from you and no one comes because you fell into the trap of accepting too many drinks from a man with the wrong intentions, the wrong spirit, and a dirty heart.

To hear your SCREAMS, YELLS, SHOUTS, CRIES sink all the way down into your stomach and still no one can hear you because everyone else is PARTYING having a great ol' jolly time! All your "friends" ditched you to go club hopping and your phone is nowhere to be found, so  you can't call your family for help. And that's if you have any. I know young women who truly have NO ONE in their lives. NO mom. No dad. No sister. No aunts, uncles, cousins, nor extended family.

So when I think of those women I quickly am reminded that even though I don't have parents at least I do have a few people in my life that do care about what happens to me.

Men buy (us) pretty ladies free drinks, so they can get us drunk and take advantage of us. That's it. He doesn't care about your dog dying or that you lost your job. He doesn't care that your phone is cut off and you don't have money to put food on the table. 

He. DOES NOT. CARE. 

When any man spends money on you, HE WANTS SOMETHING. And its not for your brains. Its for your treasure. It is the ONE thing that NO man should have and that should always remain clean for your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It might sound old fashion to you, but I never heard of Jesus Christ giving anyone an STD/ HIV or AIDS. So it is safe to say Jesus Christ is the ONLY WAY TO GO, if you want to live a long healthy life!

But to GOD be the glory! I thank God everyday for keeping me in my right mind