Struggle Builds Strong Testimonies

I was starting to think that God was not hearing my prayers until one of my awesome guy friends, we will call him Mr. "J" sent me a text telling me that he met two awesome men of God. I had been praying that God would send him friends that were passionate about God the way he is and lo' and behold God answered that prayer.

When I pray for other people the prayer always gets answered. But when I pray for myself it either takes forever to get answered or it doesn't get answered at all.

I'm in an interesting transition and in this transition I'm starting to learn who my real friends are. It is so odd that a complete stranger appreciates me more than those who I have known for some time.

I can't help that I love people so passionately. That is just my way. But instead of people seeing the good in that, they take it and dirty up my gift to love by saying that I'm "needy" "possessive" "overwhelming" etc All of those speakings are of the devil. There can never be too much love. There barely is any now...

There can be too much care though, which I have recently pulled back on because the more I cared the more I got in the way of their spiritual growth. When I feel that my life is getting in the way of someone else's spiritual walk with Christ I will remove myself for a awhile...even if it hurts me. Because its selfish to block someone else's blessings because of any selfish desires that I may be feeling at the time (loneliness etc).

This life is changing rapidly

I don't have much time to be in this situation, because I feel like God is going to move me soon. Either into another living arrangement within NC or out of the state completely....

I really would like to have my own bed and my room to sleep in for a change. I have been sleeping on the couch for two years now. I thought that I would finally be able to get on my feet when I got my job as a hostess at this new restaurant that opened up down the street. But they didn't like quality... that's the problem around here. They don't like anything or anyone that reminds them that they can do better in life. People in NC are comfortable with floating just above average. They have little desire to strive for their absolute best. But, even if they manage to reach their full potential once in their life, they are too lazy to maintain it... its sad.

So much potential, gone to waste....every day.

I use to look at this stagnant position I'm in as something bad... and yes I do want to "fly away" from this place still. There is no denying that. But now, as I'm learning how to walk in Gods peace I look at everything bad or unpleasant that happens in my life as a stepping stone that will aid in building a strong testimony.

It seems like ever since I lost my mother, all I ever do is scream louder than the next person, cry harder, run faster, jump further just to get my little pinky toe in the door to success.

When it seems like others can just wake up and have everything handed to them. But even those people have a story too. We all do, that's why I like to get to know people for who they are... instead of for the mask that they display to the world.

My life isn't over. I still have a lot more work to do, but I know that I have to heal completely if I ever want to teach people how to walk in Gods love, truth and peace.

Interview: The Last Handshake

They fill your head in college with a false anticipation and or hope that once you get your degree you are set. Oh! once you have your degree you can get a GOOD paying job (define good paying?) and then you can live the life you want. I bought into that dream too. But I bought into it because I wanted to learn.

 

I was a fish to a worm hook. I got my mouth caught on the hook because I was too ambitious. They sell you book smarts, but really all the things that teachers teach, you can LEARN for yourself. You just have to go to the library and look it up for yourself.

 

Sometimes I meet people who don't have any degree at all but they are the smartest, most wise of people that I know. They speak with confidence and eloquence and they always "keep it real." Whether it is nice or pretty truth. They make sure to share it. I respect that kind of life. A life of walking in truth.

 

Its always exciting when you have an interview. Your hope is always somewhat a little bit too high. You go in with a "positive" attitude. "I'm going to get this job!" "I will get this job!" "This job is mine!" You are speaking positive energy into the atmosphere. So you are ready set to go!

I even went to so far as to have my god mother pray with me. I went to the interview and everything went great. The interview was smooth. I prayed the entire time, fasted for as long as I could without passing out.

Then I got the email. Anticipating running high! Excitement! Did he pick me? Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

Then it reads something like: "Sorry, we didn't pick you. Good luck in your job search..."

Why didn't he pick me?

And that's the answer that you will never get. Even when you ask them they will still give you a bs answer that caters to them not feeling like the "bad guy."

I'm at a point in my life where I have followed the "rules" enough. I'm tired of waiting around for things to happen and all I get is dirt kicked in my face. I'm tired of reminding people that God made me the total package so let's make money off of me while I still have the looks and desire to do this...

But everyone around here just sits on their asses and wastes their life away. Waiting and hoping for a chance that will never arrive. I'm tired of waiting. So I'm going to make my own path.

I'm tired of being good, nice, kind, PATIENT, PATIENT and then nothing ever happens and then when it does happen something bad is always attached to it. So hell, if bad things are going to happen to me anyway might as well choose the ones that I want to walk in, you know?

I can't keep sitting in north Carolina wasting my life away. If I was married or had children that would be a different story. The worst part is that people here only support me half heartedly. They support the modeling side but not the scientist analyzer side. The side that I want people to most remember about me is the scientist side.

How can I be a more loving person if I feel trapped in this hell hole? If I'm always doing the same things. Seeing the same faces. Many of my friends had chances to have money, to travel to be in relationships longer than a year and half. The only living that I have done is partying and drinking etc I want to do have experiences that NO ONE else will have. I know that GOD is always with me and he is the only one that can come with me on this journey.

Some might say that it is selfish of me to just get up and leave, but then I say that it is selfish of them to want me to stay. "But you will get hurt?" "There is danger out there!" Well if I get hurt then guess it was in GODs will for me to get hurt. Well, if I DIE guess it was in Gods will for me to DIE.

I need to go to a place where my beauty is appreciated and not looked at as a sickness nor a deformity. Where people don't just stare at me and not speak. Where people actually appreciate having me around.

Scientist vs. Model

I think modeling is fun. A person can learn a lot from the experiences that you get through meeting people in the modeling industry. But, a lot of young women are so hungry for fame, money and power that they miss the life lessons entirely. Then you have people who seem to be created for the sole purpose of selling you a dream in a hand basket. They don't care if you really make it or not as long they look good trying to get you to the top or as long they get some kind of reward out of the deal.

 

 





The people on your "team" those who manager your career or have anything to do with making you money are suppose to have your best interest at heart. But a lot of times they get sidetracked and want to mold you into the image that they conjured up in their mind of how you should be, what you should look like, and essentially who you should be.

I'm blessed enough to not have to deal with any of that, but when I first started modeling I certainly felt that pull. I certainly fell that I was betraying who I was. I wasn't comfortable in my skin when I first started. They wanted me to just take a pill and "magically" wake up feeling sexy and confident and free from inhibitions. But, that was the "Paris Hilton" mentality that all the girls seemed to fall in at the time.

God had other plans for me.

And after I decided that modeling wasn't where my heart was, I chose to sing. I took voice lessons and that's where I started building my confidence to sing in front of people.

I now look at everything I do as a confidence builder.

Even though I think modeling is fun, I think I would much rather be a scientist. IF there was a way that I could combine being a model and a scientist then I would because that way I could have the best of both worlds.

 

 



In being a scientist I'm free to use the gift of intelligence that God gave me. No one can mask it, nor mold me to fit their thoughts, unlike in modeling where if you don't wear the designers clothes or you can't fit in them then either you don't get to be in the show or you don't get to wear their outfit and you miss being in the scene. There is too much demand in modeling. To look a certain way and or to act a certain way.

And honestly I just want to say FUCK IT! I act and do what I want. If you don't like it kiss my ass. But in the modeling world you can't do that. Because as a model you need people to like you, so they will want to work with you. That's another reason why being a scientist is more appealing. I don't need anyone to like me nor think I'm cool nor beautiful. Heck! they don't even have to think that I'm smart. As long as I have facts to back up what I state and or consistent patterns of truth. My theory is valid and it say the potential to stick in the hearts of the minds of all who read my material or redo my study.