Stop Apologizing For Being Beautiful

I have not written in awhile. I have been busy with interviews and auditions. I refuse to sit back and waste my life talking about my dreams instead of making my dreams come true.

I spent too much waiting for other people to give me permission to tap into my own strength and abilities. I believed that they knew better than myself about myself. I believed they were wise and maybe for that season they were wise but I once again out grew them...

I'm always out growing people. When others are on level one I'm already on level five, for example.

Maturity is difficult to walk in because sometimes it requires you to "think before you speak" and wisely react to unexpected situations, among other things all at the same time. But, it also requires that you walk in confidence too. Something that I never thought I could do.

For example, I'm aware that people think that I am beautiful. But, I use to apologize for being beautiful because I heard things like... "Oh, she thinks she is all that?" "Oh, she is stuck up!" "oh, she is a snob!" Why do you consider me a snob? You have yet to speak to me and you know nothing about me, yet you assume that because I like to dress up and look nice for myself that I'm a snob? Well... guess what that sounds like a personal problem.

I'm no longer going to apologize for being beautiful. 

I'm no longer going to stop dressing up, wearing makeup, singing bold and loud, wearing high heels and standing up for myself because other people are not confident in their own skin to hang out with me and or be around me. I'm no longer going to sit quietly in the corner watching other people live their lives to the fullest while I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out how I can make other people like me or "feel comfortable" around me. If you don't feel comfortable that sounds like a personal problem. I am who I am. Big Personality and All. 

If my beauty intimidates you then you are the one with the insecurity and you should seek God so He can help you find peace with the beauty you were given.  The End. With Love. 

The LoneWolf Leader: My Choice (Part 2)

It took every ounce of positive energy that I had left in my little fragile body about a year or so ago, not to do the unthinkable...

Yet, when I tried to explain how I felt or what I was going through the people I thought would care the most pretty much told me that it was my "choice" to go to Virginia (so that I could try to start a new life for myself, make money, save money and send it back to my grandmother...). It was my "choice" to believe that another christian would love and care about me, while I was the most vulnerable...

Yes, Yes, I know.

It was my choice.

Just like removing myself from their life was also: MY CHOICE.

When God Sends My Husband: King meet Queen

I'm happy to have my own spot, where I can think and read the word of God. But it is lonely here. The only person that I trusted and thought had my back, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't have very many friends here. I still need to get a car to drive, so I'm praying that God will bless me with one asap.

He said he wanted to be friends, but friends talk to each other, share their stories about their day and their dreams and plans etc. When I tried to make conversation he would go back to having a bad attitude. So eventually I stopped trying all together...

In generally I'm a pretty upbeat person. The only time when I'm stressed is when someone rejects the love that I give or when someone is not being honest with me or when someone lies and then tries to turn it around like it was my fault for accepting their help in the first place. I gave him plenty of chances to "run away" (that's what I know that most men who say they can handle me do best...) but he still stayed. He stuck it out and for once I thought, that maybe I had met my match. But when the storm came and the boat rocked violently that's when I saw his true colors and he saw my passion for God come forth...

Interview: The Last Handshake

They fill your head in college with a false anticipation and or hope that once you get your degree you are set. Oh! once you have your degree you can get a GOOD paying job (define good paying?) and then you can live the life you want. I bought into that dream too. But I bought into it because I wanted to learn.

 

I was a fish to a worm hook. I got my mouth caught on the hook because I was too ambitious. They sell you book smarts, but really all the things that teachers teach, you can LEARN for yourself. You just have to go to the library and look it up for yourself.

 

Sometimes I meet people who don't have any degree at all but they are the smartest, most wise of people that I know. They speak with confidence and eloquence and they always "keep it real." Whether it is nice or pretty truth. They make sure to share it. I respect that kind of life. A life of walking in truth.

 

Its always exciting when you have an interview. Your hope is always somewhat a little bit too high. You go in with a "positive" attitude. "I'm going to get this job!" "I will get this job!" "This job is mine!" You are speaking positive energy into the atmosphere. So you are ready set to go!

I even went to so far as to have my god mother pray with me. I went to the interview and everything went great. The interview was smooth. I prayed the entire time, fasted for as long as I could without passing out.

Then I got the email. Anticipating running high! Excitement! Did he pick me? Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

Then it reads something like: "Sorry, we didn't pick you. Good luck in your job search..."

Why didn't he pick me?

And that's the answer that you will never get. Even when you ask them they will still give you a bs answer that caters to them not feeling like the "bad guy."

I'm at a point in my life where I have followed the "rules" enough. I'm tired of waiting around for things to happen and all I get is dirt kicked in my face. I'm tired of reminding people that God made me the total package so let's make money off of me while I still have the looks and desire to do this...

But everyone around here just sits on their asses and wastes their life away. Waiting and hoping for a chance that will never arrive. I'm tired of waiting. So I'm going to make my own path.

I'm tired of being good, nice, kind, PATIENT, PATIENT and then nothing ever happens and then when it does happen something bad is always attached to it. So hell, if bad things are going to happen to me anyway might as well choose the ones that I want to walk in, you know?

I can't keep sitting in north Carolina wasting my life away. If I was married or had children that would be a different story. The worst part is that people here only support me half heartedly. They support the modeling side but not the scientist analyzer side. The side that I want people to most remember about me is the scientist side.

How can I be a more loving person if I feel trapped in this hell hole? If I'm always doing the same things. Seeing the same faces. Many of my friends had chances to have money, to travel to be in relationships longer than a year and half. The only living that I have done is partying and drinking etc I want to do have experiences that NO ONE else will have. I know that GOD is always with me and he is the only one that can come with me on this journey.

Some might say that it is selfish of me to just get up and leave, but then I say that it is selfish of them to want me to stay. "But you will get hurt?" "There is danger out there!" Well if I get hurt then guess it was in GODs will for me to get hurt. Well, if I DIE guess it was in Gods will for me to DIE.

I need to go to a place where my beauty is appreciated and not looked at as a sickness nor a deformity. Where people don't just stare at me and not speak. Where people actually appreciate having me around.

The sheep life: Not Your typical Model

The following statements below are reoccurring thoughts about modeling, fashion and music. 

Haters: See you in your dreams

I never thought that people would pay attention to me. In growing up I was never that popular anyway. I just stayed in my own little world with my books, my writings and with my music. I didn't bother anyone. Now, that I reflect I do remember always having the most trouble in the choirs. There was always so much jealousy and envy and negative energy. If the choir director felt like too many students were unhappy with me getting a lead part on a song they would give my part to another student or just cut the part all together. 

That's how I know that my voice is a gift from God. 

But...

I attended a concert. I don't go out that much like I use to, but when I hear a band that I really enjoy listening to then I make the time and effort to go support them and watch them perform. 

Then I went dancing. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to dance. Yet, the more I go out the more hate and jealousy I notice in the world. Then everywhere I go people want to control me. Men and women. 

The other thing is that I'm not a big fan of people saying "oh you look like someone that I know!" She said it as if all people of color look alike. I don't look like anyone but me, because I'm brown skin doesn't mean that I look like your brown skin friend from college. We aren't all the same, just like all the people that have white or orange or purple skin aren't the same. 

Anyway, she asked if she could take a picture with me and I told her no. Then I watched as her true colors started to show.  She isn't the first person that I refused to take a picture with. I'm not a trophy prize. I'm not a barbie that you can just sit on the shelf. I don't care if you don't like me. I don't care if you don't get your way. People are so immature. They think that just because they have money or because they have ten billion friends when they only hang out with five of them that they can run the world. 

No. You can run the world in your head but you aren't going to run any world that I'm apart of. 

Go throw your tantrums with someone else. 


I told the girl that I'm sorry that I don't want to take a picture and then I told her that Jesus loved her and she stormed off like a raging bull showing her drunk guy friend the middle finger. That's what happens when people get plastered. They lose that filter that they were taught through socialization into having and they start showing their true colors. I watched her huff and puff until she disappeared out the door, laughing the whole time. Then I continued to dance.

Then the guy that she was with, was drunk out his mind and he kept looking at me like he wanted to eat my face off. He tried to ask me why she was upset and I just shrugged my shoulders and kept dancing. It is true the more confident I get in my walk with Jesus Christ, the more haters I find that I have. 

And they come in all shapes and sizes. 

Sometimes I get those really "cutesy" chicks who smile in your face and say how pretty you are, but the second you turn your back they make some rude and off hand comment. I give them a look and they smile back because they know that I know or either they are too drunk to realize that I know and think they are getting away with being hateful.