Stop Apologizing For Being Beautiful

I have not written in awhile. I have been busy with interviews and auditions. I refuse to sit back and waste my life talking about my dreams instead of making my dreams come true.

I spent too much waiting for other people to give me permission to tap into my own strength and abilities. I believed that they knew better than myself about myself. I believed they were wise and maybe for that season they were wise but I once again out grew them...

I'm always out growing people. When others are on level one I'm already on level five, for example.

Maturity is difficult to walk in because sometimes it requires you to "think before you speak" and wisely react to unexpected situations, among other things all at the same time. But, it also requires that you walk in confidence too. Something that I never thought I could do.

For example, I'm aware that people think that I am beautiful. But, I use to apologize for being beautiful because I heard things like... "Oh, she thinks she is all that?" "Oh, she is stuck up!" "oh, she is a snob!" Why do you consider me a snob? You have yet to speak to me and you know nothing about me, yet you assume that because I like to dress up and look nice for myself that I'm a snob? Well... guess what that sounds like a personal problem.

I'm no longer going to apologize for being beautiful. 

I'm no longer going to stop dressing up, wearing makeup, singing bold and loud, wearing high heels and standing up for myself because other people are not confident in their own skin to hang out with me and or be around me. I'm no longer going to sit quietly in the corner watching other people live their lives to the fullest while I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out how I can make other people like me or "feel comfortable" around me. If you don't feel comfortable that sounds like a personal problem. I am who I am. Big Personality and All. 

If my beauty intimidates you then you are the one with the insecurity and you should seek God so He can help you find peace with the beauty you were given.  The End. With Love. 

The Broken Heart of a Mad Scientist

Dear God, I pray this message is received in and with unconditional love. 

I have three families now. So, there are times when I feel like I am pulled in three different directions. 

What I need for my families to understand is..........

1. I am only one person. I can not be everything and anything to everyone at once. 

2. I have no parental support. (Not financially, emotionally, mentally, physically). None. Nothing. Zero. 
So, that means I have to bust my ass three times as hard and that is what I am currently doing. 

working

saving

loving

That is all I have time for currently. 

3. I don't like it when I get thrown into plans that I had no part in creating. 

Yet,  I feel like I am expected to follow with the plans anyway less, I be "shunned (oh no!) and or have "stones" thrown at me (oh golly gee!). 

If I'm not apart of creating the plans I'm not doing it. 

4. Everyone keeps tell me that I should "Do me..." 

Okay... well, I am. 

Yet, that seems to be a problem. If spending all my time with the love of my life is apart of "doing me" and I'm happy that is what I'm going to do. 

Instead of it being an issue, why don't you just be happy that I'm finally HAPPY that I met a man who loves me. What about instead of talking about me you silently pray for me to prosper and do accomplish my goals in life? 

5. Sometimes I feel like you expect me to drop everything I'm doing to cater to you. And well, I can't do that anymore...

Why because I am: BUSY! BUSY! BUSY! busting my ass to build a stable life, not just for myself but also one that will eventually benefit all the people I love. 

6. The best way to help me is for you to pray for me to get a car, move into a new apartment or house and offer encouraging words when we get to talk. 

7. If, I can make it out in VA in the middle of nowhere with people that I don't really know and with all the odds in the universe again me you should know, believe, and trust that God will take care of me now and even beyond the now in the situation I currently am in. 

8. I don't want to live in anyone's shadow. 

If I wait for someone else to finally be ready to help me make my dreams come true it will never get done in the time I need it to. 

And once again I'll be looked over, forgotten, sitting on the bench etc. I'm tired of waiting for permission to make my dreams come true. 

I should have been on the map along time ago. 
But everyone else came before me. Even though I was the most faithful and loyal during that time. 
So, now I'm taking charge of my own destiny. 

9. Any time I have enough to give, 

I ALWAYS OFFER and ALWAYS GIVE. GIVE. GIVE. GIVE. 

I am a GIVER, so the ONE time in my entire life when I want to be selfish and everyone seems to have a problem with it. 
This is my time to be "selfish" To do "me." 
If I can't help myself, then how can I help anyone else? 

Disclaimer: Talking about my adventure and or tragedy in VA still brings tears to my eyes. I put EVERYTHING I had into trying to start over in VA. I thought I would go to VA and work, save money, get a car and really start living a glamorous, wonderful, happy life with a man that I thought cared about me, but he used my love for God to get close to me and then abandon me....

One of the worst things in life is to put trust in someone (after telling them all the crap you have been through in life with just dating and relationships in general) only to find out that they are a coward, liar and a fraud.  

I missed so much in those eight months I was gone, moments and time with my families that I will never get back. And the worse part is that anyone of those SO called CHRISTIANS could have offered to take me home but no one cared enough about me to offer that, because they didn't know me and didn't take out time to figure out how I got there to begin with... 

A lot of those so called Christians I have deleted from my life permanently. 

Why does the thought bring tears to my eyes still? 

1. I never thought I would see with my own eyeballs the devil manipulate someone into hurting me. 

2. Out of all the mistakes I made throughout my life I know I didn't do anything so horrible to deserve to be treated so cruelly
And the worst part about being treated that way is that I was in the midst of so called "Christians" who witnessed how I was being treated and yet, they did nothing to stop it or fix it. In there eyes I was just some poor little black girl new to the area with no family. 

My entire life was about God. I went to church. I played by the rules. I did not seek revenge like I strongly desired to do. I prayed every night. I read my bible. I fasted. I prayed with and for others. I DID MY PART and yet still when I would attend the bible studies the other young adults would talk about me behind my back, then smile in my face, exclude me from activities etc 

I saw through all that fake BULLCRAP the first second I laid eyes on half of the group and yet, when I tried to call it out I was the one that was "crazy." 

They better be thanking GOD that I was not who I am today or that whole GROUP, CLIQUE would have been internally damaged. I was hurting something terrible and everyone kept telling me to "pray about it" "get over it" and then had the nerve to laugh at me or about me behind my back. 

SO excuse me for not giving a fuck. And doing me!

Also, when I was stuck in VA hurting, dying, heart bleeding all over the universe, confused, lost, scared, and wanting to do unspeakable things to end the pain. 
NONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO I KNEW WITH CARS came to GET ME! Why? Because at the time they said I needed to learn from my "poor choices." 

They said it was my fault for being in that situation in the first place. And yes, that is true. I did make the choice to move to VA, but the events that took place after I moved there were jacked up and SOMEONE could have driven in their CAR to come get me... 

It wasn't until 6 months later that my aunt, the one woman who breaks her neck and back everyday to help everyone and take care of everything had time to come and get me. We may not always see eye to eye, but I can say one thing about my aunt and that is: WHENEVER I REALLY NEED HER, she is ALWAYS THERE. 

Where were my families oh and my so called friends when I was out in VA struggling, needing money and food to eat?
GONE! 
Disappeared!
Sorry I'm busy!
I can't!
I don't have any gas!
(You have gas to do everything else, but when I need help doing something out of nowhere there is no gas, really? Come one get real! You didn't want to drive to come get me because you didn't WANT TO. NOT because you couldn't) 

Additionally, I admit that I was naive. I thought if a man claimed to be a "Christian" that it automatically meant that he loved God and people the way I did... wrong! wrong ! SOOOOOOOOOO wrong!

But, back to the present...

I am HAPPY!

HAPPY!

HAPPY!

HAPPY!

I am in love!

Even if my boyfriend annoyed me everyday I would still be happy because at least I know that 1. I can count on me when I really need him to be there and 2. that he loves me unconditionally everyday. No matter what changes I go through. 

 And no I'm not exactly where I want to be yet, but I know that if I keep praying and working hard that eventually I will get there. 

My families taught me how to pray through the storm and now I need them to believe that I will put what they have taught me to good use. 
I am not the same woman I was last year. 
I'm stronger. I'm more Loving. And I'm Unstoppable as long as God is on my side. 

No matter what I go through I NEVER stop thanking God for all the wonderful people who love me in life and for all the loving experiences have been blessed enough to experience. 

Prepare For Your Prince (Princess) Charming!

I admit I was not prepare for love, when Love found me. I just wanted to have fun. I just thought it would be a date, but it turned out to be the greatest love adventure that I have ever known. 

It is so nice to not have to worry about a dude cheating, or playing games or just not being committed. I spent so much time wishing for other guys to want me, when I already had a man waiting to meet lil' ol' me!

Are you saying that you are in love? You care about love? Says the crowd in disbelief!

Yes, the great feminist has taken off her hat and it now sits in a closet collecting dust. I put the hat away and took my heart out to play. It took a lot of courage for me to get to this point. I was terrified when I realized or found out that he was really interested in learning more about me!

ME??????????? No! no! No! I'm mean. I'm angry. I hate boys. I hate men. I hate the world. I hate everything....!!!!

But even with all my brokenness and strange quirks he never gave up pursing me. I even think that my oddities made him more attracted to me. 

I took my time developing this relationship, because I was so afraid to make the same mistakes from my previous one. I am not going to rehash what happen in my previous relationship. You already know the story. 

The one thing I can say is that I learned a lot during my: VA spiritual boot camp journey. 

I mainly learned about what I wanted:
I wanted a man that would see past the glitz and glamour.
I wanted a man that would love me (unconditionally) no matter what my mood was like that day. 
I wanted a man strong enough to stand with me on this battlefield called: Life. A man who would not back now from challenges. A man with the courage and fortitude to walk victoriously.
I wanted a man who cared about other people.
I wanted a man who would give his last dollar to make me happy.
I wanted a man who would love me for me, all of me, everyday...
I say all that because there was a time when all of those things were the opposite in my life. It wasn't because I was a bad person, but naive, very, very, very much so. 

Life with my prince is a different experience, because for once all that I give is reciprocated. I don't have to beg, the love of my life to do anything for me, I don't have to play mind games to see where his heart is at, I don't have to pretend to be anyone else...
He loves me. The good, bad and awkward. 

He inspires my poetry, songs, and writings. He pushes me to be boldly creative, to never give up even when things seem so unobtainable. 

If, love can find me, love can find you too. But, I will say this prepare yourself for the day your prince arrives and you will be much mores stable later on. Take the advice or leave it. It is there to only help, never hurt you.
Love you. 

The Warrior's Spirit: ***Love is Art***

***Love Is Art***

Many of the changes that occurred, I was not prepared for. This whole "go with the flow" thing never really worked for me until now. I like adventure, but I like organized adventure. But LIFE didn't care what I liked. I got thrown in the water and either had to swim or sink.

Sunday January 10th 2015: Awaiting Activation

I should have written this, the same day but oh well who cares!!!
Sunday January 10th 2015, I was suppose to help sing at a church service. GOD knows I love to sing. If I couldn't sing I would die. No lie. Prior to that event there was one similar to it and I was on time, but everyone else was running late. So, I thought this time would be the same (should never assume lol) but nope, EVERYONE else was on time and I was running late. So I missed my opportunity to sing.

That service was normal. I didn't leave it feeling changed or renewed, but little did I know that later on that day I would encounter another service that would not only offer another perspective, but also bring confirmation.

For, awhile I have felt like I have been sitting, like "waiting in a waiting room." And what the guest speaker at Reaping The Harvest Christian Church spoke to my spirit...
This is a summary, not verbatim:

Being hungry to praise, love and be used by God to speak to his people is like a solider waiting to be deployed. He or She won't know the time or day of deployment, they just have to be ready to go when it is time to go.

The scripture was Acts Chapter 1:8 and the title of the sermon was:

Awaiting Activation

I didn't expect to attend a second service that Sunday. I was going to go home and take a nap, to be honest. But I was glad I went because for the longest time I have been "sitting around" "waiting" for some kind of change, sign, command etc so that I can finally start walking in the GREATNESS that is my life. So, I can finally start changing lives with prayer, a hug or a song. I was born to save lives, even if all I can do is one of those three things I mentioned above.

I felt like that service was confirmation for to get started on all the project ideas I have, also to possibly start the prayer line that I know would help a lot of people.
We will see...

Who Were You Back Then?

I admit that I thought by now, I would be living a glamorous, rich and famous life. Traveling all over the world modeling, acting and singing. Meeting celebrities and getting invited to all the latest, hottest most exclusive events!