Realities of the Fashion World (Seen & Heard)

I want to be in a position where I am in control of what I create. 

I am tired of people, taking my beautiful and magical ideas and downplaying them for their entertainment and or sick twisted pleasure of just being miserable creatures and wanting to add discord where none needs to be...

Stop Apologizing For Being Beautiful

I have not written in awhile. I have been busy with interviews and auditions. I refuse to sit back and waste my life talking about my dreams instead of making my dreams come true.

I spent too much waiting for other people to give me permission to tap into my own strength and abilities. I believed that they knew better than myself about myself. I believed they were wise and maybe for that season they were wise but I once again out grew them...

I'm always out growing people. When others are on level one I'm already on level five, for example.

Maturity is difficult to walk in because sometimes it requires you to "think before you speak" and wisely react to unexpected situations, among other things all at the same time. But, it also requires that you walk in confidence too. Something that I never thought I could do.

For example, I'm aware that people think that I am beautiful. But, I use to apologize for being beautiful because I heard things like... "Oh, she thinks she is all that?" "Oh, she is stuck up!" "oh, she is a snob!" Why do you consider me a snob? You have yet to speak to me and you know nothing about me, yet you assume that because I like to dress up and look nice for myself that I'm a snob? Well... guess what that sounds like a personal problem.

I'm no longer going to apologize for being beautiful. 

I'm no longer going to stop dressing up, wearing makeup, singing bold and loud, wearing high heels and standing up for myself because other people are not confident in their own skin to hang out with me and or be around me. I'm no longer going to sit quietly in the corner watching other people live their lives to the fullest while I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out how I can make other people like me or "feel comfortable" around me. If you don't feel comfortable that sounds like a personal problem. I am who I am. Big Personality and All. 

If my beauty intimidates you then you are the one with the insecurity and you should seek God so He can help you find peace with the beauty you were given.  The End. With Love. 

The LoneWolf Leader: My Choice (Part 2)

It took every ounce of positive energy that I had left in my little fragile body about a year or so ago, not to do the unthinkable...

Yet, when I tried to explain how I felt or what I was going through the people I thought would care the most pretty much told me that it was my "choice" to go to Virginia (so that I could try to start a new life for myself, make money, save money and send it back to my grandmother...). It was my "choice" to believe that another christian would love and care about me, while I was the most vulnerable...

Yes, Yes, I know.

It was my choice.

Just like removing myself from their life was also: MY CHOICE.

Who Were You Back Then?

I admit that I thought by now, I would be living a glamorous, rich and famous life. Traveling all over the world modeling, acting and singing. Meeting celebrities and getting invited to all the latest, hottest most exclusive events!

 

 

 

 

 

No Room For Failture (Launch Me Into GREATNESS)

The one thing I learned is that you can't wait for other people to be ready to help you make your dreams come true. You have to get up and do it yourself.

If I would have waited for someone to keep their word about helping me "get to the top" I would have never taken the first step. Also people go through things, I understand.

I'm tired of being on the backburner. I watch everyone else climb to the top of the mountain. I'm the best hand of cards they have, but they never use me. So, from here on out I only want to associate with a team of people who want to help me bring out my highest potential and Launch me into Greatness.

I'm ready to put my work in. Now that I have a few things in order I’m taking matters into my own hands, the business woman, the model and the talent.

No Room For Failure

People describe success in a variety of ways. Your idea of success could be that you graduated college, bought a new house, or had your first child.

My success is finally having the money to make things happen in my life. A prime example is the modeling (creative art) thing.

People constantly tell me, "you should model" or ask me "do you model?" But, let us stop and think about this for a minute: To model, you need money, so you can invest in yourself (you are the product), pay for gas to travel to all the auditions and casting calls and pay for pictures etc. If you don't have a job, then you don't have the money to do all of that (unless you have a sugar daddy or you’re born into money...). The end goal is make money from this modeling thing. I have in the past yet, 20 dollars here and 40 bucks here for little snippets of exposure but I have been ready to go beyond.

 

 

I'm finally in a place where I have

1. The confidence

2. The money

3. Transportation and

4. The opportunity.

I may not be Tyra Banks, but I will get to be on the cover of a magazine and in a few top, high quality fashion shows. Remember, I don't want my name associated with anything that isn't top quality. That's just how I am. And if that means I have to wait for the right opportunity then I will.

Some people might be turned off by the new photos because they are a bite more "mature" and "sexy." But, I'm a grown lady. Also, with being a working, grown lady I finally have a say in what I choose to do with my modeling career.

So many people in the past, made promises to help me, get me exposure, but what good is exposure if it is not a national level where millions of people can see you. The whole point is for "exposure" is to be SEEN, what good will it do you if your just seen in little ol' Raleigh. NO, I want national exposure because there is SOME designer out there who I have yet to meet, who will fall in love with my look. I believe it, that I will sign with a top modeling and talent agency and it will all work out for my good, for glory of God.

This is the new me and I love it! No Mary Poppins and No Plain Jane live here.

Boring: If This is Hell (Cry Of The Warrior)

The only thing that is keeping me sane are my blogs and my journals. If this is hell then Jesus get me out of here because I'm bored. The only other time I was bored to death was when I was stuck in Virginia. 

I wish I could call God and ask him why he keeps putting me in these country ass situations, where I'm around families and kids all the time. Please, don't get me wrong kids are great, but as a single woman with no kids and trying to live my life I feel different about things. 

Young mothers' and fathers' care about the things that their children say and do, naturally they are the parent. But I don't. This is my time to be a little bit selfish in life. I spent enough of my time trying to build that "family life" that God approves of and now I don't' want to anything to do with it. 

When I first mentioned that if God didn't send my husband then all I wanted was money and motorcycle. I got a lot of flake for saying that from "small community Christians." 

I look at things differently. You have some that are in the military who strictly sit behind a desk all day and process papers. They are still considered soldiers. Then you have others who are out in the field who actually fight on the battlefield. Their perspective on life is a little bit different than the solider sitting behind the desk. 

That is how I feel about meeting Christians who have mommy to breast-feed them at 30 and daddy to kiss their boos and scrapes late into their 20's. Time to get off the nipple. I was so annoyed in Virginia because that's all I was around cookie cutter Christians. I only met like two who were actually warriors for Gods' love and understood about the "fight." Everyone else was clueless. How is your dad a pastor and a mom a teacher and you're clueless to what spiritual warfare is all about or you run from it? 

Please get me some soldiers who already know how to fight, in Jesus NAME. I can't have rookies watching my back. In translation: I was out in the field with rookies watching my back and that's when I got attacked big time. I'm still in recovery so to speak. A bit traumatized but its nothing that God himself, can't fix. Don't need a shrink to try and empathize with me. Just need some serious praise and worship time around people who are Warriors like myself. 

There was a point when I thought that a few of the rookies really understood what I was saying, but then I realized they were capable of understanding about spiritual warfare but they didn't know how to conduct themselves on the battlefield. Its like talking about a war that you only watched from a distance, but never actively took part in. You see all the moves and methods but you are not the one making them. 

So, I fought alone with the strength of God backing me. 

Instrument of War: (Wrath and Righteous Anger)

It is only by the use of the Word of God and

Through Christ Jesus that any human can have any real power that can rise against evil forces. 

These are recordings of a day in the life of a Queen through Christ. 

Her every day struggles of what a realistic walk with Christ can be like. No one is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. Yet, some criticize, stand back and wait for you to fall and die. While others stand and gaze on with a tinge of admiration that quickly turns into jealousy. 

But, not to be discouraged. 

Revelations. Reflections. Words of Wisdom. Advice (part 1)

I seem to have the most to say between 11pm and about 6am in the morning. I don't know why those are the times that I want to talk the most. I'm different in that way. When everyone else is sleeping, I'm wide awake watching the world spin without seeing anything actually move, so to speak. 

If I couldn't write or type, I would probably die. Why do I say that? Because I don't connect much with what society thinks is cool nowadays. I don't even connect with what much of the "Christian community" is doing either. I'm in a category of my own. To understand me, you would have to suffer greatly and most of the young adults here, seem to still be children to me. They have mommies and daddies who kiss their boo boos and put band-aids on their scraped knees. 

We are adults now. Time for many of them to suck it up and walk bold for Christ. Leave the "nest" of security and go into ministry.

The "VOICE OF REASON"

I have been in Woodbridge Virginia for about 6 months and the only thing that has changed is: me. People seem to be envious of that. You would think that "Christians" those who go to church every Sunday, work in the church nursery, praise and worship God right beside me would be glad that I finally made the choice to let God take over my life. But no. They still hold grudges. They still have unpleasant things to say about me. The funny part is that they think that I don't know. But, I know as much as the Lord allows me to hear and to see. So, I do "know." 

Spirit Boxing: The "Flesh Check"

I still don't know why God has me in Woodbridge, Viriginia. I'm still baffled that out of all the places that he could have placed me, he decided to open the door for me to stay here. I'm not really sure what I'm suppose to do here to be honest and the less I know the more frustrated I become. I'm tired. I want to pack up my bags and throw in my towel and say "Forget it all!" I want to go back to what is comfortable...

But each time I'm about to throw it all away, the Lord sends someone to give me a "flesh check." I admit that I need it, but I don't always like it. Yet, how am I going to be the queen that God has called me to be if I am not listening to him when he speaks through his children?

Obedience, once again, is a must. And since I know this I will be held accountable if I do not obey.

I wanted a normal life. I thought would graduate high school. Go to college. Meet a successful man on wall street, get married, have babies and that would be my life. Oh! What a perfect great life...

                        
But, I should have known that nothing in my life would ever be easy or a walk in the park when my mother passed away. That was my ticket into this: amusement park in the first place. And now I can't get out. Even if I wanted to go back out in the world, I couldn't because I know too much. I can't run. I can't hide. *sigh* It is all very frustrating...

I don't know why God picked me. I didn't sign up for any of this. But here I am and I am forcing myself to try and make the best of it. There have been so many times when the "unthinkable" crossed my mind... *sigh*

I feel like I'm trapped. Like I'm in a prison. Stuck in a cycle of neverending "can you give me a rides" and "I'll pay you back when I can..." I know that God will bless those who have helped me, been kind, given me advice, gave me a hug and or have been extremely patient with me during this process.

Yeah... that's what this is a process. A grooming process. Where God is cutting out all the things that are not holy, righteous and clean in his sight. It hurts! Its' uncomfortable! It makes me feel angry, tired, frustrated, annoyed! But, in my right thinking and spirit I know that it is good for me. I know that God loves me. I know that in the end it will be not only for my own good but also for the good of those that he has me helping to lead, with my husband one day.

I'm sad that none of the guys that I have dated thus far have been strong enough to stand beside me during this time. I could really use a friend right now. But, maybe God is cleaning them up too, and when the time is right, in the spirit God will send them back into my life. Two hurt people can't help nor encourage one another nor encourage anyone else for that matter. Hurt begets hurt.

It would be so much easier to run to another state and start all over. Dye my hair. Change my name. Put on an accent or even move out of the country (which I'm really considering actually because this is just ridiculous... lol). I want to go to a place where I can express myself in all and every way that is self respecting, through art, fashion, and singing. I see makeup and clothes as art. I see myself differently than most of the people around here. They just look a shirt and think, "Oh, its just a shirt." I look at a shirt and think it is a color from Gods' paint brush.

I know who am and whose I belong to. And when you know that and you walk in it and others don't it often brings up jealousy and miscommunication. "OH, she thinks she's better than everyone else..." No, I just know about me and if you seek God for yourself instead of worring about me then you will know who you are and whose you belong too.

But...

I have been on the spiritual battlefield for awhile now. And I admit that I'm not always as strong as I would like to think I am. There are days when I just want to crawl in a cave and tune everyone and everything out. Where I want to let go of all this passion and love for life. If my spirit ever gets that low, then I'm in trouble because that's when the spirit of suicide creeps. I know it, because I actually had that spirit on me a couple of times. It was like someone blew out the light in my soul. I was walking around like a zombie. I could feel the shift in my spirit. From loving people and wanting to be a better woman each day. To not caring about anything or anyone at all...

It is called emptiness and if you ever get that low in your life when you feel that way, you should find someone who is strong in their spirit and walk with Christ to pray with you. Its not a joke. Suicide is not a joke! It happens every single day. That's why we have to be mindful of our brothers and sisters through Christ. What they are going through. Yeah, I know. Sometimes when we get into arguments in that moment the only thing we want to do is "be right" and "win the fight" so we say whatever it is to make the other person bend to our will, but at the price of what? What really did we gain by making them bend to our will? No it is not worth it... Nope, it is just not worth it.



 

 

Unfavorable Situations: God Can Fix It All

God wants me to rise to my position of leadership, and although my heart is still broken by the events that have recently surfaced I know that God will fix it according to his order and will for my life.

Sometimes the truth is not always what we want to hear, but it is what is best for us. I honestly and firmly believe that God can not bless me fully and abundantly if I am attached to anything that is not fully focused on him.

When I date, I tell men that I am "different" not to be funny, cute or coy. I am spiritually sensitive to everything and around anyone that I meet. So hurts some, to a little degree. Hurts me on a colossal magnitude. When my heart breaks, it takes forever to heal.

Thus, I am asking God to work quickly in fully healing my heart.

Right now I need to find a room to rent so that I can stay in the area and work and save money. The goal is to save enough money to get on my feet so that I can help my grandmother get into a new apartment at least by December if not before then. My grandmother has worked so hard to take care of me. She deserves to live in comfort and in peace for the rest of her years. 

I learned to never be happy with anyone, but to carry your own happiness and joy of Christ on your own. Never share so much of yourself that you begin to lose and or change who you are.

For example: A lot of people tell me that I should not wear a lot of makeup or any at all. But I like wearing makeup because it is a way that I can express myself in the creative fashion.

I also like dressing up. IF you declare that you love, God and that you are a follower of Christ, you must not only walk, the walk and talk the talk but you also have to dress the part. God, gave me life. He gave me a supermodel like figure and I"m going show appreciation for the body that he gave me by looking nice daily.

I am back on the "market" and I am waiting for God to send my husband. I know that all struggle and the heartache that I am going through right now will just make me appreciate my husband that much more. Still, yet, I must be careful not to allow myself to get blinded by the idea of being in love. I must also keep God first, so that I can discern what my husband will need when the time comes.

The one thing that is constant and will be constant in my marriage is: Prayer. We will pray all the time, everyday, for whatever reason. I am getting stronger. I was not this strong in my walk with Christ when I was in NC. I spoke about my love of God, but now I am actually walking in my love of God.

And even though this situation that I'm in hurts me. Even though his indifference to my life brings tears to my face and a dagger to my heart I know that God will show up and show out on my behalf. Just as God gives, he can also take away. I still show love, no matter what. I have to constantly pray and ask God to fill me with his peace, patience and kindness. So that I do not say anything hateful. Granted there were times when I allowed my flesh to rise in despite of what I knew. I was so angry. But, immediately after I apologized.

The other thing is that I need to date a man who is on fire for the love of God. I need to be with a man that is strong and confident in God no matter what obstacle comes into his life. I'm a warrior for Gods love and I'm on the battlefield constantly. So, the man who I marry needs to be a warrior also. Ready to stomp out the devil at a seconds notice. Fearless.

Hey Girl I Got Your Back! (The Glamorous Life)

People have to keep in mind that I am very strong willed. If I want to do something, then I will do it. No one will stop me. I do not get easy persuaded. If I feel it, then I say or do it. If I don't feel it, then I do not say or do it. Very straight to the point. Black or white. Up or down. 

But I wasn't always like that...

I'm still in the hole, but I feel as if I'm toward the end of the tunnel. I'm like a queen without a castle nor her people. And God wants to lead me back to the kingdom that he gave to me. But in order to get there I must be obedient, submit to his Will wholeheartedly.  

I feel like I'm finally about to walk into the light and be presented with a better situation than I am in now. 

I'm sleeping on a couch. 
I barely have any food in the fridge.
I don't have any money
(because I spent it all in gas trying to get to interviews)
The car that I'm driving is stuck at the shop
And even if it were not I still couldn't drive it because the tags are expired

So I'm still in a hole. 

The frustration mounts, because I know that I'm suppose to live a better life than this. Why couldn't I be born into money? Or why couldn't I be a "beyonce?" I should be in movies, on billboards, in magazines, runways, music videos, on TV, famous, rich, living the good life???!

Ha Ha Yeah, those are the questions that I found my mind asking God. 

But only to have God not reply. 

I have had a taste of the not so glamorous life, but now I have a taste of the glamorous life. I want to know what it feels like to walk into a store and not have to worry about budgeting and "pinching pennies." I want to know what it feels like to be able to bless someone else's life. 

The thing is that just because I get money doesn't mean I'm going to be frivolous with it. That's the problem with young people today they always want to spend their money on things that won't matter 5 years from now. I had to learn that too, in the early years. There were times when I a lot of money. It was a roller coaster. I had a lot then I had none. 

But when I had it, I did not use it wisely. I spent it on trying to get guys to like me. I spent it trying to keep with with the latest fashion trends. I took my friends out. I gave them what I had, even though I really knew that I didn't have it like that. And now that I'm broke, sleeping on a couch....

Where are my friends now?

What happen to OH, girl! I got your back! 
Yeah, oh girl! I got your back but now I gotta go! That's what happen. Disappeared. Can't find anyone to help me out of the hole. That's why I call on God to supply all my needs. Every last one of them. That's why I keep God first, because when I was lower than the dirt, broke, hungry and needy he was the ONLY ONE who reached out his hand to lift me up. 

I'm praying everyday for this walk in the tunnel to be over, so I can finally have something good happen in my life. Not so I can brag, but so that I can be in a position to bless other people. Especially those who don't have love in their life and really need a friend.  

Reflection of the Weekend (part 1): Proverbs 3:5

Trust in Yahweh with all your heart, and 

don't lean on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

Sometimes when we lean to our own 

understanding we actually close doors that 

God would have gladly opened for us. When 

we try to do things our way, we limit the 

abundance of blessings that God has for our 

life. We get stuck in our own minds and 

believe that we are larger than life by our 

own ability; we limit ourselves from fully 

growing in our walks with Christ. 

A part of humility is saying "no, I don't know 

everything. What I know I only know in part. 

God has to provide the rest..." and when 

asked God will present you with the perfect 

solution to a problem that you may have had 

for many years, all because you believed you 

had all the correct answers when in reality 

they were not. 

To God be the glory

Restoration, Rejuvenation, Re-evaluation

I'm taking some time away from the online world that I know to figure out a few things in my head. A part of me feelings like all the sharing that I'm doing of basic truth falls on deaf ears. I feel like no one cares about what I'm doing unless I do something that makes a big impact. I have to be able to influence many people. I was happy at the one or two people that I did reach with the truth that God put on my heart to share.

I admit that not all of my posts on fb were from God. I would hope that people would recognize the difference. The posts that seem to have the most emotion behind them were not from God. They were based off raw emotion. But the posts that were solid, that sounded like something a grandmother or grandfather would tell their grandchild that was from God.

I always knew that I was different. I just didn't know how much different. I also joke that God gave me the wisdom of an 80 year old and the body of a 20 year old. It is a joke that most chuckle at, in respect, even though it holds a great deal of truth....

I need time to re-connect with my heart. To heal more. I need confirmation of where God needs me to be, who he needs me to associate with and what he needs me to do.

Where: DC, Greensboro, Raleigh or Winston-Salem?

Who: Friends? Which ones do I keep or which ones do I leave behind?

What: continue this modeling thing, go full time into teaching, move into a completely different field all together?

I know that God will provide all my needs.
I still need a job that pays all my bills. A bed in a room, in a house or apt to stay in until I can get on my feet. I also need another/new vehicle.

I feel like change is around the corner, and if I can hold on then things will get better.

The sheep life: Not Your typical Model

The following statements below are reoccurring thoughts about modeling, fashion and music.