The Final Conclusion: Death Of Innocence

I am at a point in my life where I am "doing me." I spent enough time trying to help other people reach their highest potential and now it is time for me to help myself. 
I have been A LOT of reflecting since being back from VA and if I knew then what I know now, things would have been a lot different back then. 
But that is just it... I did not know. 
The story is "played out" some would say, while others would ask, "why do you keep reliving your old pain?" See, they react that way to my writing about the situation because it did not happen to them. 
The entire VA situation was a test and punishment all in one. 

For, one it taught me to never move before Gods' time. 
2. To always go somewhere, where you have at least one family member in the area. 
3. Trust no man. 
4. Try to be prepared for any and all situations 
5. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve 
6. Establish trust, hope, faith and full confidence in GOD only. 
7. Just because it looks "holy and righteous" doesn't mean that it is. 8. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Those skeletons are called testimonies. 
9. Don't date a divorced man that is still hung up on an ex wife he had to put a restraining order against (Of course, I didn't know all of that until I was actually in the situation). 
10. Don't date a man who plays around with his walk with Christ and or uses God as a scapegoat for no longer walking to be in a relationship. 
11. No one can tell you how to have a personal relationship with GOD

I made the mistake of going to my peers thinking that they would help me. But now of them had ever been in a situation like the one I was in, so they didn't know what to do either. What I should have done was go to the elders of the church. But, I didn't and instead of getting support from my most of my peers back then I got whispering behind my back and laughs and indifference to my pain and struggle. 

There were only a handful of true followers of Christ who helped. Imagine trusting someone to help you and then after promising that they would, they dumb you in the middle of nowhere and leave you to fend for yourself in a strange new land that you have no idea how to even begin to navigate. Each time I share this testimony everyone from old men to young teenagers, say that it was "messed up" how he did me dirty like. Wasn't even man enough to put me on a bus and send my ass home (knowing that I didn't have any money because I spent most of it trying to help him out...). 

It was the first time in my life that I truly felt fear. And no matter what I did I could not get home. The entire time I was there after he dump me in the middle of nowhere like I was trash, was praying that he would come back and get me. Would come back and at least be my friend to help me through my tough time... 

But, I sat on that porch for days after the last time I saw him expecting to see his blue honda pull up on the corner and each day he never came back. He left me out there to die. To go crazy. To suffer. To struggle. To walk to the bus stop with holes in my shoes because I didn't have any money after paying my rent to get any new ones. I only had my summer clothes, because I was only suppose to stay for the summer. Work. Then go back home, but I ended up staying through the fall and winter too. It was the loneliest time of my entire life. 

And all, I wanted do was die... 

But, GOD loved me enough to preserve me for his glory. Do I deserve to be saved? No, because I sin and make mistakes like everyone else. But, in doing so God showed me that his love can extend past all my sins and all my mistakes. And that no matter where I am, when I call him he will come to my rescue. 

The sad part is, that the guy I was dating at the time didn't care that I had a family that was worried about me, didn't care that I didn't have any money to feed myself, didn't care that I spent holidays alone. Didn't care about me... And his parents tried to cover it up and or pretend like it didn't happen and or blame me. Naturally they would protect their son. Why would I think, that they would do the RIGHT thing and address the issue face to face? No, I admire them because I thought they were strong Christians, I thought they would give me good advice about how to grow in my walk with Christ. But, what I found is that they ware surface Christians. They don't want to tackle the real issues, they sweep them under the rug and hope they go away... and that doesn't work because overtime the issues will start to pile up and then they start to overflow. 

You can't run from your demons, you have to face them head on. Tackle them with prayer, faith and love until you no longer have them. Not put them in the back of the closet and expect them to disappear. 

Death Of Innocence: Rise of the Queen

These last months are the most reflective. This time last year I was in Virginia, trying to make sense of the chain of events that took place. I wanted to die. But, my need to live outweighed it all. I asked for help, but most of the Christians thought I was just another "troubled" black girl, with no family and no one to love her. That is when I realized that it may not even be atheists or muslims etc that separate a nation, but weak spirited "sweep" crap under the run and pretend that it doesn't exist so called: Christians. 

Just because you go to church, praise God in-front of other people and are old enough to give words of wisdom doesn't mean that you are a true follower of Christ. I admit that I'm not living right, so yeah I have no room to judge but at least I'm honest about where I am in my "spiritual Journey" and not sneak around pretending to live this Oh, so holy moly life. *Cough* *Cough* But, I digress.

Love Life

People like to be in love for the wrong reasons. "I'm lonely." "I'm bored." "I want kids..." etc After much reflection I have decided that attachements are unnecessary. They only hold you back from reaching your full potential. Why? Because you are constantly worried about them or it leaving you or ending. 

I use to be a hopeless romantic, always wanting for a Prince Charming to come and swisk me away on a white horse! I use to be that girl, that would write poetry, love songs, love letters etc to the young man that I was OH SO smitten with, only to have him rip it in my face, then drive away laughing. As if, it was the most funniest comedic skit they had ever witnessed. 
I use to be that girl, that would stay up waiting for him to call me all night and even the next morning and day, only to find that he had already MOVED ON!

So, after coming back from Virginia, I vowed that I would be about business. I would make enough to take care of myself and my family (god family included, because they have been there through a lot of my changes.... I owe them so much more than I can give them right now. But I will be able to pay them back as they rightfully deserve, one day soon).

In VA I tried to fit in, I tried to be "natural" and dress down. I tried not to wear makeup. I tried not to BE ME! I wanted to be accepted. I needed validation. I needed to know that I was needed, since my boyfriend at the time dump me on the side of the curb like I was trash. I would call or text and ask him to help and he would say shit like, "that' s not my problem." 
Sometimes I wish that I would have died out there, that way my blood would always be on his hands, but I didn't die in the flesh. I died in the spirit and because I put all my trust and hope and entire ESSENCE into GOD, I was preserved for the glory of GOD and I'm stronger for it. 

I don't have time to be in love. I'm about meeting people who are ready to build and secure an empire. 

Family Life

I use to be respect and admire, my ex boyfriends' parents because I thought they were serious and honest "Christian folks." But, once again the joke was on me. 

They are fake. How can you tell someone else to live their life, or give advice when your own son doesn't take your advice. REALLY? So, let me get this straight, you teach and preach the word but your household isn't even in order. You can't even control your own son but you want to tell other people or give advice to other people on how to live their lives? Get real... please... I'll pass. 

He talks back to you and have little to no respect for you and yet, I was the problem, not him. Yeah... I wish I was who I am now, back then they all would have seen a different side that they could have thrown stones at... 

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I learned not to be so trusting. Never give your entire heart to a man and never assume that just because someone is Christian that their intentions are pure. 

I did the best I could with what I what I knew and with what I had left to work with. And that's all there is to say.... the end.