The thing about me is that whenever someone is hurt or sad I instantly go into this "guardian angel" type of mode. Where I feel responsible for bringing them out of whatever dark place they are in. When God moves me away from them, so that I can't help them by praying for them or giving them a hug or making silly faces. It breaks my heart.
I know what its like to suffer. To actually wish and hear myself say that I would rather here a "pretty lie, than the the ugly truth." But, that's only because when you are hurt, sad, depressed and you feel far from God, all you want is something to make you feel better.
Well, I realized that for my loved ones that were hurting (while I was in a good place) all I could do was pray for them. Whenever I see people hurt I want so much to hold them in my arms and absorb all their pain. Just like when I see a child cry, that's the first thing I think of to do, pick them and hold them so they feel loved, comforted and protected.
It is not different with grown men and women, because all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior are my brothers and sisters.
But, like I said God has to move me sometimes, so that they can go through the crushing. The job of carry their cross is reserved for Jesus Christ alone. And when God feels that I'm "protecting" my loved ones too much from their life lessons, spiritual spankings or the "crushing." He will move me away and there won't be anything that I can do about it...
I would have gladly taken all their pain, on myself because I knew that I was strong enough to handle it. I will gladly take a bullet for them, if ever it came down to not just for them but for all my loved ones. That's just the type of person I am, at the end of the day. After all the makeup is off, and I'm finally out those 6 inch heels and in some flats. My hair is tied up and I'm ready for bed. I turn into a big "mama hen." And when people need love. I have enough of it to share. More than enough actually.
When I don't get to share that love, I feel my spirit die a little bit more each time. So, that's why I ask God to send people who not only need love but also those who are ready to receive. Because in the right spirit, I tap into the love of God in me and his love is powerful enough to heal. The love of God melts the bitterness and crust right off. I know it, because when someone else shared the love of God in them with me, that's exactly what it did for me.
And I thank God for that, every day.
*Of course I'm a bit insecure, the person who brought me here unexpectedly dropped kicked my life to the curb in a strange new place where I don't know anyone, and then he cut me out of his life.... what am I suppose to do?*
Before I wrote this I had to pray. I need to start praying over every piece of writing, be long or short because I found out that sometimes people might take what I say the wrong way and assume the worst which is, that I don't appreciate their life when I do.
The other thing I learned tonight was that I'm still upset.
I also learned that people in this community don't know why I'm upset or why I act the way I do and so I'm about to let everyone know my reality (not my truth, because only the word of God is truth) so that they can know why I act. I'm a walking testimony. Every thing that has happen to me since I stepped foot in Woodbridge Virginia is apart of my testimony and I'm going to share it.
Chapter One: You don't Mistreat the People you Love
Before I came here, he was so excited to have me here. All we did was talk about how much fun we would have and how awesome it would be for me to meet all his friends. Now we share the same circle of friends and he doesn't even speak to me.
The reason why I'm pissed is because he told my family and god family that he didn't have any money to take me back home, yet I find out that he is going out to eat, buying new clothes and trying to "big ball" again. If anyone needs to get their life, it needs to be him.
See, I'm as "real as it comes." I was never that way though in the past. In the past someone would give me a "reality check" and I would start balling my eyes out. Now, when someone states how they feel. I internalize it, reflect, pray over it and then I draw a conclusion from it. If they really feel that way and I'm really acting that way, then I make every effort to make a change.
The one thing about me, that I told him before he became involved in my life is that "I'm a warrior for Gods love" "Don't tango with the lion..." and "I don't like liars. Be honest." But, what I learned is that people don't like confrontation. Whenever they have the opportunity to either confront the issue head on and apologize and move on in love, they will always choose to run. They don't want to accept that they are responsible for someone else being hurt. God won't honor you hurting his children (your brothers and sisters).
So what's the summary of the story?
I came out here because he said that he would help me get on my feet. He told me my family that he would take care of me. But when he lost his job, that's when he lost his mind. He has never been right since.
Orignially he was all about God, "You are going to church every single day." Fed me scriptures. Prayed with me. Introduced me to his bestie! WHOA! I felt like I had my own little family, for a little there. But, what I did not expect is for me to turn against me. Is for him to take out his frustrations and anger out on me because he was disobedient and lost his job.
I'm at a point now where I don't care if he never talks to me again.
I'm still going to write a book about what he did and everyone is going to know how hateful and mean he really is behind close doors. I'm also going to write about WHAT I DID, so the audience and see how it all played out. I'm going to write about how God started to deal with my heart and how I tried to make it right between us. I'm going to write about how he gave me the cold shoulder out in public.
If I really wanted to tear the roof off of this place, I would do it and not care. If I really wanted to show my behind out and treat him the way he treated me I would have done so a long time ago. But, I was trying to be patient. While he was "doing the most" (as that seems to be a popular term around here) I was praying for him in the corner. Praying for us.
The awesome thing about God is that no matter what situation we find ourselves in he will always send people to guide us through whatever we are going through and that's when God sent his bestie to step in and help get a grip on what was happening.
He dropped kicked my life to the curb, while I'm out in the middle of nowhere, not knowing anyone. And then walked around like it was no big deal. No explanation. Said that he had to "focus on God (using God as a scapegoat) because he was too much of a coward to tell me that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. The worst part is that he broke up with me in a text message. How cowardly in that? Dude get real!
The other thing I learned is this: No one knows me here...
Okay, so it just makes the entire situation that I'm in VALID. Thank you for verifying what I have been saying the entire time that I have been here.
HE DID THE MOST. KNOWING THAT NO ONE HERE KNOWS ME.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TRANSITION.
Then he pretended like none of it ever happen.
But still people were telling me that I shouldn't "talk about it."
How am I going to get help for my situation if no one knows that I need help?
Didn't the Lord say, "ask and ye shall receive?"
I'm ever thankful to God for sending his bestie to step in and be a good friend to me because he sure was not. I needed his support the most and he spit in my face, stepped on me while I was trying to stand on my feet then moved on laughing at me while he stepped all over the pieces of my broken heart.
And I'm suppose to be joyful about that?
But, what comes around goes around... that's for sure. Sure, God gives a mercy and grace, but just because you don't see an immediate consequece doesn't mean that it isn't coming. It might not be as severe as it could be do to mercy and grace, but God will be the judge of that.
The only thing I want now is for God for open a new door so I can move on with my life. Because I see now that he is too mature. I saw him at the holy ghost party Friday night and he didn't say one word to me. I felt myself getting heated, I was about to go up to hi and show my behind out. Scare him off, since he runs from everything anyway, but I didn't do that. I just enjoyed everyone else around me. And I silently thanked God for all the loving people that he placed infront of me to give love back to.
This entire experience will be one that I never forget. I know that God is about to launch me to the next level. I know that God is about to bless my life greatly and abundantly so.
