Haters: See you in your dreams

I never thought that people would pay attention to me. In growing up I was never that popular anyway. I just stayed in my own little world with my books, my writings and with my music. I didn't bother anyone. Now, that I reflect I do remember always having the most trouble in the choirs. There was always so much jealousy and envy and negative energy. If the choir director felt like too many students were unhappy with me getting a lead part on a song they would give my part to another student or just cut the part all together. 

That's how I know that my voice is a gift from God. 

But...

I attended a concert. I don't go out that much like I use to, but when I hear a band that I really enjoy listening to then I make the time and effort to go support them and watch them perform. 

Then I went dancing. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to dance. Yet, the more I go out the more hate and jealousy I notice in the world. Then everywhere I go people want to control me. Men and women. 

The other thing is that I'm not a big fan of people saying "oh you look like someone that I know!" She said it as if all people of color look alike. I don't look like anyone but me, because I'm brown skin doesn't mean that I look like your brown skin friend from college. We aren't all the same, just like all the people that have white or orange or purple skin aren't the same. 

Anyway, she asked if she could take a picture with me and I told her no. Then I watched as her true colors started to show.  She isn't the first person that I refused to take a picture with. I'm not a trophy prize. I'm not a barbie that you can just sit on the shelf. I don't care if you don't like me. I don't care if you don't get your way. People are so immature. They think that just because they have money or because they have ten billion friends when they only hang out with five of them that they can run the world. 

No. You can run the world in your head but you aren't going to run any world that I'm apart of. 

Go throw your tantrums with someone else. 


I told the girl that I'm sorry that I don't want to take a picture and then I told her that Jesus loved her and she stormed off like a raging bull showing her drunk guy friend the middle finger. That's what happens when people get plastered. They lose that filter that they were taught through socialization into having and they start showing their true colors. I watched her huff and puff until she disappeared out the door, laughing the whole time. Then I continued to dance.

Then the guy that she was with, was drunk out his mind and he kept looking at me like he wanted to eat my face off. He tried to ask me why she was upset and I just shrugged my shoulders and kept dancing. It is true the more confident I get in my walk with Jesus Christ, the more haters I find that I have. 

And they come in all shapes and sizes. 

Sometimes I get those really "cutesy" chicks who smile in your face and say how pretty you are, but the second you turn your back they make some rude and off hand comment. I give them a look and they smile back because they know that I know or either they are too drunk to realize that I know and think they are getting away with being hateful. 

Diversity:Love Sees No Color

I never looked at race while growing up and being in "puppy love." I just liked him, for whatever reason; I would tell my friends about how cute he was and how I liked his smile. Whenever they would bring their skateboard to the house or go hiking with my male cousins I was always outside with them. 

But then someone opened my eyes to the fact that all the guys that I had main crushes on were white. Then for some reason my being "in love" became a problem. I started to hear "why don't you like black men?" "You're a sell out" "You're betraying your own people." And on and on.

I remember words very similar to this: "White men can't handle dating a black woman, because they don't have a strong enough spirit. They are too weak in their manhood, whereas the black man was built strong dating back to the slavery days. White men don't know what hard work is, so they won't work hard to keep a Queen like you...." 

When I hear similar comments like this, they mostly come from old timers. Those old black men who have been around for centuries, in their shops fixing up their cars or sitting on their porches to their beautiful homes smoking a cigar. They grew up in a different generation, when segregation was the primary issue, back when people really stood by civil rights. 

I can never understand their dislike for seeing me with a non white man, but I don't judge them. I just listen to their stories and learn as much as I can about the facts. 

I'm writing all this because recently I was walking back to the apartment, when this man asked me if I knew one of his friends. I told him no. Then he told me that I was beautiful for a black woman. I asked him who his friend was and he said "yeah, my friend is like my brother from another mother, yeah he is black...." and after he said that I fell silent. He went into conversation with himself (because I stopped responding) about how he has lots of black friends and on and on... *sigh* 

I don't know why white guys feel the need to tell me that they have black friends, as if that is some kind of main key that will determine if I give him any of my attention or not. A lot of white guys that I have met do that or they pretend to have a diverse group of friends when really all of their friends are white, with the exception of that one black guy, that they call over to their house parties just so people won't think that they are racist. 

It is not my concern if he likes black people are not, because I am not people. I am a person. If he was attracted to me (not because I have brown skin either) then he was attracted to me.

But, I have met some white guys who can touch, suck, kiss and have sex with a black woman but they can't be in a serious relationship with her because they are afraid of what their family and friends will think. I tend to meet white guys who are "curious" about the "sisters", but are too shy or too intimidated by the strength of a "sister" to ask her out. 

I like diversity. I know that love sees no color. 

But I also know that a black woman is strong, and that it will take a strong man. period. whether black, white, green or blue to be with her. 

I meet a lot of guys who are kinda smart, very kind and sometimes clever but they lack strength. They lack a backbone to stand up for themselves and for what they believe in. I can't be with any man black or white who has a jello backbone. I want my man to be able to stand by my side when things get tough. I want the man that chooses me to be confident in himself and in his abilities. It really is about confidence. You don't meet a lot of confident young men these days. They talk a big game about this and that, but when things don't go their way or things get out of control they are the first to run and hide.

And that is one promise that I made to myself: I refuse to associate myself with cowards nor selfish hearts.