Monday, October 6, 2014

Death Of Innocence: Rise of the Queen

These last months are the most reflective. This time last year I was in Virginia, trying to make sense of the chain of events that took place. I wanted to die. But, my need to live outweighed it all. I asked for help, but most of the Christians thought I was just another "troubled" black girl, with no family and no one to love her. That is when I realized that it may not even be atheists or muslims etc that separate a nation, but weak spirited "sweep" crap under the run and pretend that it doesn't exist so called: Christians. 

Just because you go to church, praise God in-front of other people and are old enough to give words of wisdom doesn't mean that you are a true follower of Christ. I admit that I'm not living right, so yeah I have no room to judge but at least I'm honest about where I am in my "spiritual Journey" and not sneak around pretending to live this Oh, so holy moly life. *Cough* *Cough* But, I digress.

Love Life

People like to be in love for the wrong reasons. "I'm lonely." "I'm bored." "I want kids..." etc After much reflection I have decided that attachements are unnecessary. They only hold you back from reaching your full potential. Why? Because you are constantly worried about them or it leaving you or ending. 

I use to be a hopeless romantic, always wanting for a Prince Charming to come and swisk me away on a white horse! I use to be that girl, that would write poetry, love songs, love letters etc to the young man that I was OH SO smitten with, only to have him rip it in my face, then drive away laughing. As if, it was the most funniest comedic skit they had ever witnessed. 
I use to be that girl, that would stay up waiting for him to call me all night and even the next morning and day, only to find that he had already MOVED ON!

So, after coming back from Virginia, I vowed that I would be about business. I would make enough to take care of myself and my family (god family included, because they have been there through a lot of my changes.... I owe them so much more than I can give them right now. But I will be able to pay them back as they rightfully deserve, one day soon).

In VA I tried to fit in, I tried to be "natural" and dress down. I tried not to wear makeup. I tried not to BE ME! I wanted to be accepted. I needed validation. I needed to know that I was needed, since my boyfriend at the time dump me on the side of the curb like I was trash. I would call or text and ask him to help and he would say shit like, "that' s not my problem." 
Sometimes I wish that I would have died out there, that way my blood would always be on his hands, but I didn't die in the flesh. I died in the spirit and because I put all my trust and hope and entire ESSENCE into GOD, I was preserved for the glory of GOD and I'm stronger for it. 

I don't have time to be in love. I'm about meeting people who are ready to build and secure an empire. 

Family Life

I use to be respect and admire, my ex boyfriends' parents because I thought they were serious and honest "Christian folks." But, once again the joke was on me. 

They are fake. How can you tell someone else to live their life, or give advice when your own son doesn't take your advice. REALLY? So, let me get this straight, you teach and preach the word but your household isn't even in order. You can't even control your own son but you want to tell other people or give advice to other people on how to live their lives? Get real... please... I'll pass. 

He talks back to you and have little to no respect for you and yet, I was the problem, not him. Yeah... I wish I was who I am now, back then they all would have seen a different side that they could have thrown stones at... 


I learned not to be so trusting. Never give your entire heart to a man and never assume that just because someone is Christian that their intentions are pure. 

I did the best I could with what I what I knew and with what I had left to work with. And that's all there is to say.... the end.