Thursday, November 14, 2013

But, I Might Miss "The Swirl" (Reflection: Dating White Men)

In reflection: most of the men I have dated were white. And now that I think about it maybe I should stop dating white men all together. It is something that I have to pray about.
What I'm finding is that they are too weak to handle me. They always come to me puffing out their chests like "Tarzan" and then as soon as I say ONE THING THAT IS HONEST and it doesn't boost their ego. Then there goes a tantrum!!!!!!
OH! You hurt my feelings!

Oh! I don't feel like a man, because you told me that my tie was crooked or that my shoes didn't match!

Oh! my life is over because you don't think I'm perfect!

White men just don't seem to have enough backbone for me. How come every time something doesn't go your way, you throw a tantrum? How come every time we need to talk about something you sink back into yourself like a coward?
"well I don't know how to handle stress well..."
You are a man for crying out loud!
"I don't like confrontation...."
No one does, sugarfoot but its apart of life! Better get your boxing gloves on and learn how to fight back! You won't always be able to run to mommy and daddy for everything. Better start practicing how to stand on your own feet NOW!

I thought, it was just me being "too aggressive" "too honest" but there isn't anything wrong with me in that department. I always here them say "its too much pressure" and "too much responsibility" and then I think to myself oh, if I were a little submissive, "yes, sir. No, sir" white girl you wouldn't have any trouble taking on the pressure and responsibility.

I wish they would just admit they are too weak and not waste my time. But that's the problem, a lot of white men like the thought of being with a brown a beauty but they aren't strong enough to handle the reality of being with one. And sure, I hear a lot of white guys say, "oh! I date out of my race all the time..." OH YEAH??? and then I take a look at a picture of one of their exs and they look about as WHITE as piece of paper, but she is "mixed." Mixed with what? WHITE and WHITER! Get real! Homie dude! Don't try to play me!

I'm not dating right now though, let me make that perfectly clear because I don't want to be bothered with men in general. They are a waste of precious oxygen and they cause problems because they can't be honest with God nor with themselves so what on earth makes me think any of them can ever be honest with me?? *ugh*

But when I do start dating again, I think I'll leave the white guys alone and get with a little a bit of flavor in my ice cream ;)

Mrs. So and So: The Bride, Marriage and the "Never I Do"

He sent me this when he first was excited because he swore up and down that I was his wife. That God had sent me to him. That he prayed for me and God sent him me, to be his wife. He told me to "remember this for later" then not even two weeks later he was running away, pushing me away, acting out in a horrible teenage like manner, throwing tantrums and cursing. And that's the man that is suppose to be the "priest of the household" that I'm apart of? No, I don't think so.

I wish I could meet a man who was confident enough in God and his abilities and talents through Christ that he wouldn't feel the need to beat down the strength of God in me. That's the issue that I faced most when I use to date. Instead of them protecting the strength and love of God in me, they always tried to belittle it, tear it down, stomp on it and when they couldn't do that, then they would "feed me" to the lecherous beasts, vultures and devils in the world by abandoning me at critical times when I needed them most. That's why I depend on no man. Just God. Just he is the only one strong enough to play the "superman role" in my life.

Then I have to remember: I find it strange that a man who is in his mid 30's isn't already married. So, when they tell me oh I was married once before... my first question is, "why are yall not together now?" and my second question is, "What did he do?" Because more often than not, the man always did something to initiate the downfall of the marriage.

I have to admit that when I thought I was "engaged" I was really excited. The truth is, that he didn't want me to talk about us going to the court house to get our marriage license because he said he felt "pressured" and "rushed." (Keep in mind he was the one that was excited about the idea in the first place....But in my head I'm thinking, "wow, you don't want me to talk about it, because really you either are not sure if you want to marry me, 2. are really secretly married to someone else or in love with someone else 3. are ashamed for people to know about something that should be a joy to you..."

Any man who really loved me would be thrilled for me to carry their last name, but no...not him...even though he was the one that was SO excited by the idea at first...

I told him I understood but that it would not make sense for us to be Mr. and Mrs. so and so without rings. Then when I started posting pictures of the type of rings that were my "dream" rings that's when he really got all undone. All he had to do was tell me to stop posting about it, but instead (like a child who throws a tantrum when they don't get their way...) he grew distant and that's when I knew that he wasn't strong nor mature enough in his spirit to be in the type of relationship that I envisioned.

It was a sad moment of revelation, but the "realist" in me rose up and closed the deal on the whole thing. I tried to fix it with love and promises to do better, but because he never had any real "love" for me in the first place there was no glue (the love of God is it!) to hold us together. So, there I was trying. Pouring my heart and soul into trying to make things work once again and he became distant and nonchalant and didn't care.... and even when I tried to be friends after that's when I really saw his true colors even more. I tried to send him prayer text messages because I said that I would continue to pray for him, since he is going through some things and of course like every other guy I ever tried to have a "mature adult relationship" with, he gave me the silent treatment, disappeared, vanished, poof, gone.

When I look back through our text messages, I have to laugh because just a week ago he was saying how much he loved me and now he doesn't speak to me at all. Sound familiar? Well it is, because it is the exact same pattern that lead me here in the first place.

The only difference is that he and I never thought about, talked aobut getting married, nor having children together (yeah, I thought this man was Heaven sent enough to believe that I would be the one to have his first son).

But, the truth is I was in love with the idea of being a bride, a wife and mother but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be all that with him in my life. There was something unsettling about, the entire thing that made me question and instantly pray about it from the start. Things were moving way too fast and I could seem to control the flow of it. The 3rd day I had already met his parents. Of course in my head I thought, "this has to be love...he must really love me!" (yeah, sure! lol). You never know if someone truly loves you until you go through the fire with them a few times and see that they are still standing by your side.

That's how I know that every man who ever made me a promise or said "I love you" to me was a liar, because if they loved me they would still be in my life today. I may not know everything, but God has blessed me with some "years beyond my age" type of wisdom that let's me know that things are either right or wrong.

And saying that you love someone, then disappearing from their life because you don't like what they said, what they did etc is wrong. And it just proves that you're immature and not ready for a real mature adult relationship. Granted, if I point the finger, then I better be ready to have it pointed back at me, right? And since I know that I take full responsibility for not always walking in love. But in this situation I could have acted a lot worse. But by sticking by his side through his "tantrum" I showed him that I keep my word. That I don't "run when things get tough." All that talk about "honesty" and "communication" went straight out the window as soon as he got upset with me. Then I started to see some qualities that reflected when I was in an abusive relationships during college (real bad, real, real, real bad...) and after I prayed and reflected on it that's when I knew it was time to go.

Any man that curses at me or even looks like they want to hit me during an argument is not a man that I can respect nor see myself marrying nor being with. So, once again God looked out for me. Even though I wanted to be a bride, be married and hear him say, "I do." I didn't want to do it with a black eye and a bloody lip.



Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Gotta Have Muscles To Be "Superman"

When I am "sweet" "kind" and "loving" men abuse my heart.

When I am the "diva" "arrogant" and "indifferent" to the existence of men, they chase me, they fiend for my touch.

How interesting... the very thing they say they want, they can not handle and the very thing that is no good for them they want so much of.

I'm done with dating. I'm starting this new blog entry to remind myself of that. I'm so tired of going through the oops, "almost wifey" material phase, but then because instead of lying and boosting his ego, I give him truth... now all of asudden they don't want to be in my life anymore?

I only find men fascinating when I get to study them, that's why I became "the feminist" in the first place. To study men, only. Never to date them. For, like I said when I'm nice to men they treat me like crap, but when I'm mean to them they treat me nice.

Winning my affection is a part of the game, then once they have me wrapped around their finger they can possess and control and manipulate the "beauty" that is God-given. Men like having me on their arm because I boost their ego. When I play the damsel in distress role it makes them feel "MANLY"

OOOOH! "Look at me! I'm a big strong man!" I don't need you to save me wegro. I need for you to be focused, realistic so we can get some things done in life.

That's the problem with men today, they are always trying to play the superman role. Baby, you are strong enough to be superman.
How are you going to be any womans' superman but then you don't win an arguement and you throw a tantrum at almost 30 or 40 years old? How are you going to be superman and you are still being breastfed by your "mommy?" Dude! Get real!

The more I interact with men, the less I want to get married and the less I want to even date. Every time I meet a guy he always has that opened minded demeanor, charm and caring side about him (that's how they trap you). They are the first ones to be like "I love you" and the first ones to bounce when its time to STICK TO the "I love you."

A lot of women say, "oh, you are just hurt! and bitter and you need Jesus!" Damn straight I'm hurt! I don't want to be bothered with NO MAN! Not even the really sexy ones. They are nice to look at, but I guarantee that the majority of them have some messed up emotionally abusive relationship story to tell me about that I really don't want to hear. That's another thing, I'm tired of meeting men with emotional abuse stories. How are you going to talk to your potential new gf about old memories of your ex wife, ex babys mama? I don't have any baggage like that. No ex husband. No children drama. But apparently these dudes around here have a whole lot of it.

I don't date men with children, because I don't want the ex wife babys mama drama. Okay, so what if the ex wife isn't even in the picture? I still don't want to date any man with a child or children because I want my husband and I to have our first child experience together and at the same time. If a man already has a child or children then the moment that he and I share our first memory of our child together won't be as special because he would have already experienced that with his first wife, babys mama whatever.

So, no thank you. No, men with children, whether they are in your life or not. Too much hassel.

Also, I normally don't date men who have been previously married either, because like I said its DRAMA. No, matter how you look at it, it is drama. The unfortunately I had to be more realistic about that one, because "how did they know they were going to meet me later in life?" So, I give some leeway on that one, but only if things are cut and final. She has moved on to another man and no longer wants anything to do with him and he has moved on and his happy with me and wants absolutely nothing to do with her.

But, it is what it is. Since I have been in woodbrige Virginia those seem to be the only type of men available, emotional screwed up and dead beat dads. Wow, thanks God. Great pickings. Oh, please just put more fish like that in my pond...

So over it!


Childlike Heart of Love: What does your heart Desire?

One of the young ladies on my fb page, after she and I getting into a debate or rather an exchange of ideas, said that she would pray that I would have the desires of my heart...

And then I started to think, what does my heart currently desire and it hit me...

I tried to run from this situation. I thought that I was going to Baton Rouge. I thought I could start all over and never have to think about him again.

Then I tried to date someone else, thinking that would solve the issue. But it was only a temporary distraction and it caused more trouble than it was worth getting into.

So, what i want the most is for us to go back to being friends. I want a chance to give him a real hug and just go back to laughing and joking around. I want the tension and silence between us to end.

Everyone else gives me hugs and says "hi" but there is still silence between us and my heart breaks. I am not the same as I use to be. I'm still a writer, but I have learned to write in a different mindset.

I have learned to point the finger back at myself and recognize my mistakes. What I said and what I did and how I could have done things differently. I can not pretend that I don't still love him, because I do. But, it is not a romantic love. It is a miss you very much and just want us to go back to hanging out, kinda love.

He made me laugh all the time. He kept me in good spirits. Even when I wasn't at my best or didn't feel well, he thought to ask me if I was okay. But, now that I need his love and support the most he is nowhere to be found. I live 4 minutes away (driving). Please tell me why we have not seen one another outside of church, tag or bible study?

I don't want to live in a place where there is this distance between us.  But, every time I ask God to move me something else comes up making it impossible for me to leave. It is hurtful. It is a situation that I wouldn't want anyone to go through. And its not about, he did this and she did that, its about that I don't want to waste anymore time not loving him...

We can get called to Heaven tomorrow and the last thing that will be on his heart, is him acting distant and holding a grudge toward me and me missing him.

We don't have time to be divided.
We don't have time to be selfish. We are in the end of the end times. Jesus Christ can come back at any moment and the last thing I want is to be missing him. I know, I take full responsibility for these thoughts too. He shouldn't even be on my mind. I should be sleeping right now, but I couldn't sleep because I was lying to myself about being hurt.

I am hurt, because I miss him. I miss the hugs. I miss the laughs. I miss us going to church together. I miss watching Suits together. I miss the skype messages and pictures. I miss it all. But, what I didn't realize is that after awhile we started to forget about God. When God was the one that put us together in the first place. I didn't thank God for sending him to help me. I took the situation for granted, because I thought he would always be there.

Then I tried to intercede on his behalf and take the spiritual beatings and God did not want that either. I thought if I helped, if I "shielded" him from the pain with the heart that God gave me that is filled with compassion and bigger than the Sun at the core, that I could save him and that everything would be okay... I told God, "I don't mind. I'm strong enough to handle his pain. I have dealt with a lot worse...." But God said no. And I could do nothing but sit back and watch. And I was mad and I was frustrated and I was tried because I couldn't do anything to help not him nor myself....

I was mad at God for not letting me take the spiritual beatings... haha, how silly right. But, when as time went on I realized why God had told me "no." It was because there were other people that needed to see the strength of God in me, more than he did. He was going to be fine, God was going to take care of him. Send him family and friends to keep him motivated and moving in life. But, there were others who were on the edge and they needed to see the strength God placed in me to give them hope to move into tomorrow, toward a better day....

If, I'm called to be a minister one day then I'm going to have to make sacrifices obediently and without complaint. Sure, it cut me. CUT ME DEEP, not to be able to call him up and be like "hey whatcha up to?" Cut me deep not to be able to text him a silly face picture or whatever. It still cuts me deep now not to be able to share all the best parts of my life with him. My grandmother asks about him and so does my god family...

To be fair, I wouldn't want to be around someone who talks junk about me either when I act out in my flesh, during my "bad days" (even though that has happen to me before... how did I like it? It didn't feel very good. But turned the situation around and found it amusing so it didn't bother me...).

But, we can't go back and undo what is already done. But we can move onward and pray that God fills us with his agape love so that when we see one another we respond to one another with the love of Christ. I have learned quite a few things since being separated from him and 1: is to never take any moment with anyone you love for granted. Because one day you might wake up and they won't be there anymore...

2. Show love, speak life into your loved one, spread positive energy

3. My life is not my own and it is used to be a blessing to someone else's life.

4. Do things in love and give with a cheerful heart

So, yeah, it may not mean much to anyone else but seeing him peaceful, smiling and walking in the love of God is a prayer that I pray for him. Because despite the way things are God still used him to bring me here, where I learned how to speaking, sing and pray in tongues and where I learned how to walk in the love of GOD. If, it wasn't for him finding me the journey would have not been quite like this...

I just pray that we get a chance to go back to being comfortable around one another, laughing and talking, the way I am with everyone else in tag before my time here is over. I don't want to leave here with a cloud of unforgiveness over our heads. He says that he isn't mad at me, but when he speaks to me I still here it in his tone and even more than that I feel it in his energy. When I come into the room his energy changes. I'm not the only one that notices it or feels it either. So, that's how i know that I'm not "crazy" or "paranoid" about it...



Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Prayer For Healing, Restoration: The Time to Love is Now

Dear Abba Father,

You gave me this wonderful gift to see the highest potential in a person, but I sometimes I get so excited that I scare people away with it.

I saw his highest potential the moment that I met him. I knew that you had called him to do, be apart of and see Great things. But, instead of being patient and allowing you to clean him up. I thought I could "help" you, by teaching him how to pray and praise you the way I did. In other words instead of just giving him the tools and telling him how to use them. I gave him the tools and told him how to use them the way I do. What works for me. Did not work for him. But, I was too selfish to see that. I thought I was "helping" when I was actually in your way.

So, I ask forgiveness. I apologize for getting in your way, while you were trying to teach him how to stand as the leader you called him to be. I'm sorry that I put him before you. I'm sorry that I put "us" before you.

I ask that you restore the friendship, relationship and love between us. That you saturate us in your Agape love. That you bring us together as friends for your glory. That you bring us back together fully confident, trusting in you and ready to encourage one another in our walks with Christ. Being lead by the spirit and not our flesh.

If there is anything in our hearts, minds, souls, or spirits' that is stopping us from loving one another with the love of Christ I ask that you remove it in the name of Jesus. If there is anything in and around our lives that is unholy, unrighteous or unclean please cut if off from us in the name of Jesus Christ.

You, Abba Father, are the only one that can heal and restore. You are the only one that can make all things new again. Thank you God for healing and restoring our friendship. For filling our souls with your Agape love, your patience, your kindness and gentleness toward one another.

We can not go back and undo what has already been done, but as long as we have breath in our bodies we still have the chance to love one another as Christ loves us.

We don't have time to stand divided that's why the enemy has so much control right now. We have to walk in your forgiveness, Abba Father and come together and show love to one another. We never know when you will call us home. We never know when our last breath on earth will be. So, I don't want to waste anymore time not loving them, not being their friend, not praying for and with them. They are the only one that, still is hesitate toward me, Abba Father and it breaks my heart because everyone else can see the changes that you are making in me. I have apologized over and over and you even gave me the courage to apologize to their face. Even though they apologize to me through a text message instead of to my face. I didn't make a big to do about it... I just wanted there to be peace between us.

I can not lie and say that I do not love them still, because I do, very much so. But more than that I miss us going to church together and i miss us talking about your word, sharing our reveleations and praying for and with one another. And that is what I want to get back to. Back to being on one accord with you, Abba Father, flowing in your perfect order and Will. Thank you God for restoring us, for your glory. All honor, praise and glory belong to you. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.