God is first in my life. This blog is filled with raw, and uncut statements. It is only for truth seekers and the strong at heart. I only edit material for sentence structure, spelling and grammatical errors. If, and when I feel the need to.
I'm done "listening..." to talk when you don't make any sense. I gave you the proper tools. I sent the warnings. I did my part, but of course no one ever listens to me until its too late and if you DID listen, then why didn't you apply what I told you? #NOEXCUSE
Every time I listen to someone else's advice for my life, it always ends up holding me back, distracting me, pushing me further back, from reaching Gods best for my life. I'm also done listening to pastors, preachers, teachers etc of the "word of God" who don't walk the walk and talk the talk. I have a realistic walk with God. I don't try to be righteous and holier than thou for shits and giggles. I don't lie to myself about where I am in my journey. I don't make excuses for not being better than yesterday. I refuse to give up on my dreams of singing, modeling and writing all over the world. I would love to have my voice heard one day. But, my "old fashion" ideals are not popular. But, If I were a lying, materialistic, spoiled chick I would have the world eating out of the palm of my hand. But... I'm not like that.
People think that because you are beautiful you don't have feelings, emotions, dreams and goals and a family that cares about you. Why is it that I go out of my way to care about other people and when shit really gets rocky in my life, those same people are not there for me?
Whenever I have, I offer.
Even if I don't have enough for just myself, I still offer. Whomever needs it the most is the one who receives it. But when I ask folks to come to my concerts, events or to just be considerate of my space, time, feelings, dreams, goals etc and they brush me off, push me to the side and sweep my wants and needs for "another time" that never arrives..... I'm tired of being nice to people who don't appreciate me. I'm tired of going the extra mile and putting in the MOST effort only to have someone royal fuck up so bad that it really will take the MIGHTY and POWERFUL name of Jesus to save them!
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of being young and never being able to go out to have fun. I use to go out all the time with my girl-friends. I use randomly take a walk downtown, find a nice little venue and sit there all night with my little drink that I babysat until I didn't want it anymore. I'm tired of giving and getting very little, next to nothing back. I have been through more fucked up relationships than ones that were "great." Why would you argue with the ONE person who truly cares about your life? Why is it that I am always cleaning up someone else's mistakes and helping others organize their lives. My grandmother and I should be in a house by now. We should be living like the royalty we know that we are. That was my whole goal going to VA, I wanted to establish myself as a serious business woman. I wanted to make money, and then send it back to my grandmother, and my baby cousin. I was so close too. All I needed was two more weeks, and then grandmother and I would have been chilling in our new home. She would have been safe under my watch, love and care I wish more people were considerate the way I am. I wish more people took the time to think about what they said or did before they reacted? I wish more people took the time to listen attentively. I wish more people took the time to care about others peoples' belongings. Why should I be the only one "thinking before I speak..." or the only one "thinking before I act and or react to something" Why should I be the only one to apologize for my mistakes? I'm not going to bite my tongue. Anymore. Its not fair to me, and I have waited too long, cried too many tears to just give up now. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a coward. I don't run when shit really hits the fan. I dig deep within my soul and find the courage to keep fighting the good fight and taking the high road. But I seem to be the only who cares about doing that....
It took every ounce of positive energy that I had left in my little fragile body about a year or so ago, not to do the unthinkable... Yet, when I tried to explain how I felt or what I was going through the people I thought would care the most pretty much told me that it was my "choice" to go to Virginia (so that I could try to start a new life for myself, make money, save money and send it back to my grandmother...). It was my "choice" to believe that another christian would love and care about me, while I was the most vulnerable... Yes, Yes, I know. It was my choice.
Just like removing myself from their life was also: MY CHOICE.