Thursday, April 23, 2015

The Broken Heart of a Mad Scientist

Dear God, I pray this message is received in and with unconditional love. 

I have three families now. So, there are times when I feel like I am pulled in three different directions. 

What I need for my families to understand is..........

1. I am only one person. I can not be everything and anything to everyone at once. 

2. I have no parental support. (Not financially, emotionally, mentally, physically). None. Nothing. Zero. 
So, that means I have to bust my ass three times as hard and that is what I am currently doing. 
That is all I have time for currently. 
3. I don't like it when I get thrown into plans that I had no part in creating. 

Yet,  I feel like I am expected to follow with the plans anyway less, I be "shunned (oh no!) and or have "stones" thrown at me (oh golly gee!). 
If I'm not apart of creating the plans I'm not doing it. 

4. Everyone keeps tell me that I should "Do me..." 

Okay... well, I am. 

Yet, that seems to be a problem. If spending all my time with the love of my life is apart of "doing me" and I'm happy that is what I'm going to do. 

Instead of it being an issue, why don't you just be happy that I'm finally HAPPY that I met a man who loves me. What about instead of talking about me you silently pray for me to prosper and do accomplish my goals in life? 

5. Sometimes I feel like you expect me to drop everything I'm doing to cater to you. And well, I can't do that anymore...

Why because I am: BUSY! BUSY! BUSY! busting my ass to build a stable life, not just for myself but also one that will eventually benefit all the people I love. 

6. The best way to help me is for you to pray for me to get a car, move into a new apartment or house and offer encouraging words when we get to talk. 

7. If, I can make it out in VA in the middle of nowhere with people that I don't really know and with all the odds in the universe again me you should know, believe, and trust that God will take care of me now and even beyond the now in the situation I currently am in. 

8. I don't want to live in anyone's shadow. 

If I wait for someone else to finally be ready to help me make my dreams come true it will never get done in the time I need it to. 

And once again I'll be looked over, forgotten, sitting on the bench etc. I'm tired of waiting for permission to make my dreams come true. 

I should have been on the map along time ago. 
But everyone else came before me. Even though I was the most faithful and loyal during that time. 
So, now I'm taking charge of my own destiny. 

9. Any time I have enough to give, 
I am a GIVER, so the ONE time in my entire life when I want to be selfish and everyone seems to have a problem with it. 
This is my time to be "selfish" To do "me." 
If I can't help myself, then how can I help anyone else? 

Disclaimer: Talking about my adventure and or tragedy in VA still brings tears to my eyes. I put EVERYTHING I had into trying to start over in VA. I thought I would go to VA and work, save money, get a car and really start living a glamorous, wonderful, happy life with a man that I thought cared about me, but he used my love for God to get close to me and then abandon me....

One of the worst things in life is to put trust in someone (after telling them all the crap you have been through in life with just dating and relationships in general) only to find out that they are a coward, liar and a fraud.  

I missed so much in those eight months I was gone, moments and time with my families that I will never get back. And the worse part is that anyone of those SO called CHRISTIANS could have offered to take me home but no one cared enough about me to offer that, because they didn't know me and didn't take out time to figure out how I got there to begin with... 

A lot of those so called Christians I have deleted from my life permanently. 

Why does the thought bring tears to my eyes still? 

1. I never thought I would see with my own eyeballs the devil manipulate someone into hurting me. 

2. Out of all the mistakes I made throughout my life I know I didn't do anything so horrible to deserve to be treated so cruelly
And the worst part about being treated that way is that I was in the midst of so called "Christians" who witnessed how I was being treated and yet, they did nothing to stop it or fix it. In there eyes I was just some poor little black girl new to the area with no family. 

My entire life was about God. I went to church. I played by the rules. I did not seek revenge like I strongly desired to do. I prayed every night. I read my bible. I fasted. I prayed with and for others. I DID MY PART and yet still when I would attend the bible studies the other young adults would talk about me behind my back, then smile in my face, exclude me from activities etc 

I saw through all that fake BULLCRAP the first second I laid eyes on half of the group and yet, when I tried to call it out I was the one that was "crazy." 

They better be thanking GOD that I was not who I am today or that whole GROUP, CLIQUE would have been internally damaged. I was hurting something terrible and everyone kept telling me to "pray about it" "get over it" and then had the nerve to laugh at me or about me behind my back. 

SO excuse me for not giving a fuck. And doing me!

Also, when I was stuck in VA hurting, dying, heart bleeding all over the universe, confused, lost, scared, and wanting to do unspeakable things to end the pain. 
NONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO I KNEW WITH CARS came to GET ME! Why? Because at the time they said I needed to learn from my "poor choices." 

They said it was my fault for being in that situation in the first place. And yes, that is true. I did make the choice to move to VA, but the events that took place after I moved there were jacked up and SOMEONE could have driven in their CAR to come get me... 

It wasn't until 6 months later that my aunt, the one woman who breaks her neck and back everyday to help everyone and take care of everything had time to come and get me. We may not always see eye to eye, but I can say one thing about my aunt and that is: WHENEVER I REALLY NEED HER, she is ALWAYS THERE. 

Where were my families oh and my so called friends when I was out in VA struggling, needing money and food to eat?
Sorry I'm busy!
I can't!
I don't have any gas!
(You have gas to do everything else, but when I need help doing something out of nowhere there is no gas, really? Come one get real! You didn't want to drive to come get me because you didn't WANT TO. NOT because you couldn't) 

Additionally, I admit that I was naive. I thought if a man claimed to be a "Christian" that it automatically meant that he loved God and people the way I did... wrong! wrong ! SOOOOOOOOOO wrong!

But, back to the present...

I am in love!
Even if my boyfriend annoyed me everyday I would still be happy because at least I know that 1. I can count on me when I really need him to be there and 2. that he loves me unconditionally everyday. No matter what changes I go through. 

 And no I'm not exactly where I want to be yet, but I know that if I keep praying and working hard that eventually I will get there. 

My families taught me how to pray through the storm and now I need them to believe that I will put what they have taught me to good use. 
I am not the same woman I was last year. 
I'm stronger. I'm more Loving. And I'm Unstoppable as long as God is on my side. 

No matter what I go through I NEVER stop thanking God for all the wonderful people who love me in life and for all the loving experiences have been blessed enough to experience.