Sunday, March 3, 2013

Diversity:Love Sees No Color

I never looked at race while growing up and being in "puppy love." I just liked him, for whatever reason; I would tell my friends about how cute he was and how I liked his smile. Whenever they would bring their skateboard to the house or go hiking with my male cousins I was always outside with them. 

But then someone opened my eyes to the fact that all the guys that I had main crushes on were white. Then for some reason my being "in love" became a problem. I started to hear "why don't you like black men?" "You're a sell out" "You're betraying your own people." And on and on.

I remember words very similar to this: "White men can't handle dating a black woman, because they don't have a strong enough spirit. They are too weak in their manhood, whereas the black man was built strong dating back to the slavery days. White men don't know what hard work is, so they won't work hard to keep a Queen like you...." 

When I hear similar comments like this, they mostly come from old timers. Those old black men who have been around for centuries, in their shops fixing up their cars or sitting on their porches to their beautiful homes smoking a cigar. They grew up in a different generation, when segregation was the primary issue, back when people really stood by civil rights. 

I can never understand their dislike for seeing me with a non white man, but I don't judge them. I just listen to their stories and learn as much as I can about the facts. 

I'm writing all this because recently I was walking back to the apartment, when this man asked me if I knew one of his friends. I told him no. Then he told me that I was beautiful for a black woman. I asked him who his friend was and he said "yeah, my friend is like my brother from another mother, yeah he is black...." and after he said that I fell silent. He went into conversation with himself (because I stopped responding) about how he has lots of black friends and on and on... *sigh* 

I don't know why white guys feel the need to tell me that they have black friends, as if that is some kind of main key that will determine if I give him any of my attention or not. A lot of white guys that I have met do that or they pretend to have a diverse group of friends when really all of their friends are white, with the exception of that one black guy, that they call over to their house parties just so people won't think that they are racist. 

It is not my concern if he likes black people are not, because I am not people. I am a person. If he was attracted to me (not because I have brown skin either) then he was attracted to me.

But, I have met some white guys who can touch, suck, kiss and have sex with a black woman but they can't be in a serious relationship with her because they are afraid of what their family and friends will think. I tend to meet white guys who are "curious" about the "sisters", but are too shy or too intimidated by the strength of a "sister" to ask her out. 

I like diversity. I know that love sees no color. 

But I also know that a black woman is strong, and that it will take a strong man. period. whether black, white, green or blue to be with her. 

I meet a lot of guys who are kinda smart, very kind and sometimes clever but they lack strength. They lack a backbone to stand up for themselves and for what they believe in. I can't be with any man black or white who has a jello backbone. I want my man to be able to stand by my side when things get tough. I want the man that chooses me to be confident in himself and in his abilities. It really is about confidence. You don't meet a lot of confident young men these days. They talk a big game about this and that, but when things don't go their way or things get out of control they are the first to run and hide.

And that is one promise that I made to myself: I refuse to associate myself with cowards nor selfish hearts. 

"Nice guys finish last": Looking over Pretty

Many people say, "you're sooooooooooo pretty, why don't you have a boyfriend?" or when I go out for drinks with friends random men come up and ask me, "soooooooooo where is your husband?" After so many times of hearing those questions I start to wonder, "why don't I have a boyfriend?" or "why don't I have a husband?" Is there something wrong with me? 

I haven't really thought about dating in a long time. I have only been in twice in my entire time living. One was my freshman year in college and the other was most recently, despite how people might feel about that, my heart can't lie. When I feel it. I feel it. If i didn't I would not have fought so hard to keep them in my life. 

In my reflections I finally came to the conclusion that, you know how they say that "nice guys finish last" well sometimes "pretty girls don't finish at all." A lot of the attractive, well educated nice guys go for average looking chicks. Why? Because they don't have to compete with other men to keep those type of girls around. They don't have to worry about her straying away, because in their head they think that other guys won't want her. At least that's one way to look at it. 

Then most nice guys choose average girls because they know they don't have to work too hard to keep them interested in them. So, maybe its good that those so called "nice guys" pick average chicks so at least that way that eliminates the man dating pool of losers who don't want to treat me like the queen that I am. 

But, I guess what bothers me is that for some of the girls I know they seem to be in and out of relationships like crazy and their relationships don't just last a three weeks to six months they actually last for a couple of years. Then I reflect and well, damn I can't even get a guy to just be my friend. I either scare them away with my intelligence or when they find out that they can't put their hand in my cookie jar then they start treating me like crap. 

I have also come to realize that the "nice guy" persona is just a mask that assholes wear so that they can get the goodies. They don't really care about how you feel or what you did today. The whole time your talking they are thinking about how they can get you to take your clothes off. Maybe, that's just my horrible experiences with men talking and not my heart. But that's how I feel right now. 

I can't even date like a normal girl because then the man starts to get possessive and controlling. My step dad was like, so no I don't want to be associated with anything like that. 

Now, that I think about it, all the men in my life were never any good in the end. Even the two that I was in love with. They started out with the best of intentions but then like all men do they tried to mold me into their ex wife, gf, baby's mama, their fantasy dream girl. They weren't happy with me just the way I am. 

It gets tiring and frustrating when your heart and your love are not enough. When men are either too scared to talk to you or too lazy to meet a woman of caliber. They chase after the average girls, settle for them, have children with them, later cheat or divorce then wonder why they aren't very happy in life.

I do miss the cuddling and the kisses on the forehead. I do must being able to give hugs. I mostly miss feeling safe in a man's arms. But I haven't met a man strong enough to keep me "safe" for a long period of time. Most put on a front like they can, but as soon as shit hits the fan they are back to doubting themselves again and rejecting me, because they keep putting their past in their present... and ultimately because they don't get over their past they treat me like shit and then we break up. 

I refuse to be any man's "punching bag" or placeholder chick. I refuse to waste my time playing the wifey role only to have him break up with me, and then marry the chick right after me that he has only known for two weeks. Then later they get divorced and he tries to run back to me... no. no. no. honey.

I just wish I could meet a man who appreciated me, for me. A man that was on fire for God. Passionate about music, writing and philosophical conversations. A man that inspired and challenged me to think outside the box. A man that was dedicated to really caring about my life. A man that sat and listened to me to talk, instead of just passively listened. A man that was honest to my face and did not bite his tongue for me. A man that appreciated the beauty of my mind and heart before my body. 

But I guess that's only in fairytales really... *sigh*