Thursday, December 5, 2013

Spiritual Maturity (Part 1)

When you allow God to take over your heart, mind, body, soul and spirit he can mature you as fast or as slow as he wants to. Sometimes he will keep putting you in the same situation just with different people, to see if you have learned the "theme" of the lesson. Other times he will separate you from everyone and anyone that you use to be "friends" with, to show you that you can only depend and rely on him (God).

God is maturing me at an incredibly fast rate. Since I stepped foot in VA, it was been the Journey of "firsts." I'm reading and mediating on scripture more, attending church regularly and actually give God all my praise now, attending bible study, singing at concert with an awesome community group choir, fasting and praying none stop 24/7.... I'm changed. I'm still changing. Like I said before, this is certainly spiritual bootcamp and I am defintely being prepared for something great.

I wish I knew what it was, but I suppose that if I knew then I would try to help God teach me. Hahaha. God doesn't need my help to do anything. I need his, daily.

Even the people that I thought I was suppose to "look up" too now seem immature to me. I'm gravely disappointed that the people I thought were my friends here, are really not. The hurtful thing is that they smile in my face each time they see me, but I really see their true colors now. Matter of fact I know that they were ones to aid in the entire downfall of my "happiness." All because they were jealous. But, to God be the glory. I don't hold a grudge against them. I still love them. Because even when Jesus knew that Judas was going to betrayed him he still treated him with love.

But, it just makes me more aware now. I'm not like them. I will never be like them and I don't care to be. I like fashion. I like makeup. I like going on adventures and starting projects. And most of all I like to protect all the sheep, not just one or a few. I watch out for everyone. Whoever is most in need, is who I offer to help first. If they accept it. Then wonderful. If not, that is there choice too.

I'm at a point in my life, where I don't have time for the games. The fake friends. If you knew how they were why didn't you pull me to the side and let me know something, instead of keeping me in the dark? But like I said, it doesn't matter. Because I have surpassed all of them in a very unique way and all I'm concerned about is going to the next level in my walk with Christ.

Glory be to God.


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Million Dollar Question: Why Are You So Aggressive??

People ask me that question, all the time and to be honest after much reflection I really don't know exactly but I have a couple of reasons.

1. I grew up in a household of strong women. There was mostly abuse in the all the relationships that the women in my family were apart of. So, an example of what a good Christian marriage looks like was never in my memory bank.
2. Most of the men that I found a pattern of me dating were always the "nice guys" and I found that the nice guys never had much of a backbone. When other dudes would come up to me and try to get "boughty boughty" because they wanted my attention, the dude I was dating would just stand there and watch him grab on me or he would "run to the car." Haha, yep...

So, from those experiences I started to just stand up for myself.

I don't have any choice but to be aggressive because the men who come into my life are not strong enough to play the masculine "aggressive" role. They get a little splinter in their finger and turn into drama kings! *ugh*

Especially Christian Men: How is he going to be the head of the household, protect his wife and children when he is throwing a tantrum, being selfish and acting like a jerk? Nor can he be the king with the attitude and behavior of a joker. Always laughing because everything is so funny. Better to make a joke about it and sweep it under the rug than actually deal with the problem. And God wants me to submit to that? *UGH*

Then when the "nice guys" would start showing their true colors. I started to get pissed. Not only could not stand up for me, but they were always treating me like crap because they were too weak to stand up to the man who made them cower with their tail between their legs. Wow!

Thanks. So much for showing that you love me (insert sarcasm).

Most of the men I meet just don't have a backbone strong enough for me. They always claim that they can "handle me." But as soon as something goes wrong then they start throwing a tantrum... "I just want my space back..." DUDE! your a grown man and you are whining because you have to share your space. WOW. get real.

I'm sorry, but I'm just telling it like it is. Too weak, too immature. If I wanted to raise a boy into a man, I would just ask God to bless my womb with a son. But, since I'm not in a position to properly take care of children. I shouldn't be training and grown adult male how to be a man.

I mean dang my dead great great great great great, ancient bones grandpa has more backbone in his pinky then most of these guys out here! Its pathetic.

Every time they get into a bind, they always run to mommy and daddy to put a band-aid on it. Dude! Its life. Suck it up! Got a scrape on their knee and now they need a flinstones band-aid and a lollipop to make them feel better. Instead of them facing the issues head on they either:

1. Bury themselves into video games, work, food or hanging out with the boys.

2. Throw tantrums

3. Distance themselves entirely from the situation

What makes it even worse are meeting men who claim to be CHRISTIAN and flaunting around their bold faith, confidence and trust in God and then when one horrible thing happens all of that goes straight out the way. How are you going to be a KING, but you acting like a joker? DUDE get real!

That's why men don't like me because I tell me what the real is and I don't bite my tongue for anyone. Yes, I can be sweet but when it comes to how a real man should act (especially a Christian man) please don't get me started or we will be at that converstation all day and I will start PREACHING!

And of course other women always think its "no big deal" until it happens to them. What if you came home one day and your husband had his bags packed and was ready to walk out the door? Or he started hanging out with his home boys all the time?

None of the relationships that I have had, except one were that deep but the examples are still the same. The distance. The rejection. The confusion all lead to hurt. And if he was any of kind of man and really loved you, he would just talk to you about it. Or if there were any apologizing that needed to be done. He would just admit that he was a selfish jerk, apologize and move on. Not through a text message, but to your face. Like a real man should.

Too many boys trying to fill their daddies shoes way before their time. You don't even have chest hair yet and you trying to "run the show" BOY! Please get your life in check!

But... on the other side. I do have that hope. That God hears my prayers about what type of husband I want. Because the one thing that is an absolute requirement is for my husband to have a strong backbone. To be able to stand up for himself and for his loved ones.

I won't submit to a man who is a punk. If he is a punk then he will raise my sons to be punks too. And what good will that do on the spiritual battlefield? NONE 


Sunday, December 1, 2013

Riding with the Craigslislt Truck Driver

People have to understand that when you go through a break up, for some it takes less than a day to "get over it" and for others it takes longer. I really love him and although, I didn't always say the right things or respond in the best way. I NEVER left his side when things were falling a part in his life.

So, for him to do me "dirty" like this and for no one to say anything makes me question what kind of Christian folk I'm dealing with? "Put it in Gods hands", says the choir....yeah but God gave us brains to do the RIGHT THING. I had common sense enough to do the right thing: repent to God, then apologize not only in a text but also to his face. Yes, I asked God for the courage to make it right on my end.

IF your boyfriend or husband or any man that you trusted promised they would stay by your side through your transition and then because you weren't finding paid work fast enough, and because you weren't saying the right things and acting in a way that pleased his ego... and he drop kicked you to the curb in the middle of a new town where you don't know anyone, far away from your family, you would be pissed too. The least he can do is take me home since he brought me here. wow...

Anyway, I did post an ad on craigslist so that I could get out of Woodbridge, VA. I'm tired of being in the same town of as him, going to same church and bible study and him not evening saying hi. How rude? He brought me here, then he just abandons me in the middle of my transition. Wow. Thanks a lot. And a lot of the young folks around here have always had mommy and daddy to rely on, so when they try to give me advice it makes me roll my eyes. PLEASE! Don't try to give me advice on a situation that you don't understand.

I wanted to get in that truck with that truckdriver that I met off cragislist. He said that I didn't have to pay and he also said that he would help me a bus ticket to get closer to my destination. But then my grandmother called me and said that she tried to pray and that she had a "bad feeling." That her "visions" were not right. This of course happened right after I spoke to God and asked him to send me confirmation on what he wanted me to do.

I want to go home, but the guy who brought me here won't take me home. I want to be with my family, but I can't get to them. I'm only 3 hours away and I can't even get to my family. I already spent thanksgiving here, which was nice but inside I was crying the whole time. I wanted to spend the holidays with my family. Everyone else got a chance too, so why can't I?

I will never trust another man again. Every time a man comes into my life he always messes things up. Makes promises and then breaks them. If he was in the situation he would want justice to be done too. He wouldn't want someone to make promises to them and then break them at the last minute, during the most critical time when you need them the most! Are you kidding? Then walk around like nothing ever happen. Dude GET REAL!

There isn't anything left to do except to wait for either one of two things to happen for God to: 1. send me a car or 2. for God to send someone to come and pick me up and take me home.