Friday, May 31, 2013

The Freakshow: Light Poison Beauty

You get to see who your real friends are, when shit hits the fan. When you are your lowest moments in life and need someone to be there for you. When you go to a friends house just to talk but you find that their door is closed. They aren't thinking about you...

That's another reason why I want to leave NC.

I have tried everything to get a job in this state and for someone reason people here just don't like quality. They would rather pay less for horrible work and have all the stress of having to go back and correct it... than to just pay me to come in and do a quality job and get the job done by its deadline.

I don't know why God has me hidden, but there must be a reason for it. I feel like I should be on a red carpet somewhere. I feel like I should be on runways in New York, Milan and Paris. I feel like I should be more than I'm doing now. Changing hearts and inspiring other people to seek Gods unconditional love. But God has me here...

I wish I knew why....

The only person that really interacts with my life is my grandmother and my god family. The rest of my family members all have their own lives to attend to. No can help me. I try to ask for help, but when I do they just "look" at me like there is something wrong with me.

The truth is that in spirituality I have surpassed all my family members and they can't believe that I changed so much. It makes it hard for them to adjust to the new me. I wish that I had a closer connection with them, so I wouldn't feel the need to seek other people to be apart of my family but I don't connect with them. I'm different. It is what it is.

I really need someone to help me get my life started. I really need someone who is patient and kind to help me understand this thing called: Life. I love my grandmother very much, but there are some new things in life that she just isn't "hip" on. I don't like to burden my god family with my trouble. They had enough trouble in their life from me, in just almost a year. I have changed so much since last may that it almost scares me. What it takes people years to learn I have learned in just a few months.

It is a very lonely life to be in my castle of excellence all alone. God gave me an intelligence that no man can match and the eyes of truth that no man can sneak away from. When people see me coming, they move out of way automatically and they make sure to avoid looking at my eyes.

I feel like a sideshow. I feel like I'm on a rare rose on display, in a glass case for all the world to see but for no one to get close to. Because my intelligence was given to be by God (light) and whenever people get close to me, my intelligence is the light that shines in the dark places of the hearts of men.

I already know what they are going to say/do before they even think it... not because I can read minds but because God gave me the gift of paying attention to detail and being strongly aware of body language. I don't walk around telling people all the gifts that God blessed me with though... because then they will really be afraid of me.

I wish there was one person on this planet who could understand me and appreciate me for who God made me and is still molding me to be.

A lot of men want sweet women. Right?
But when I'm sweet that's when they treat me like crap.
When I'm mean, that's when they like me best.
That's when they want to "chase after" me. Its something about the conquering a challenge that men just can't get over. That's why I don't date nice guys. Because they are too nice to stand up to my intelligence. Their feelings get hurt easy. And then when I am nice to them, they change into assholes.
That's why I have always said that there is no such thing as a "nice guy" they are just assholes that wear a smiling disguises until they don't get what they want or until they realize that keeping what they want will be a challenge. Then then that's when the asshole emerges.

I don't ask for much. Matter of fact right now I just wanted a male companion that I can talk to about all the chaos that runs through my mind. A male companion that I can crack jokes with... a bestfriend. But even that is hard to find. Because if my intelligence doesn't scare them away then my loving heart seems too...
I don't know why God made me so loving, yet no one appreciates it. 

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Interview: The Last Handshake

They fill your head in college with a false anticipation and or hope that once you get your degree you are set. Oh! once you have your degree you can get a GOOD paying job (define good paying?) and then you can live the life you want. I bought into that dream too. But I bought into it because I wanted to learn.
I was a fish to a worm hook. I got my mouth caught on the hook because I was too ambitious. They sell you book smarts, but really all the things that teachers teach, you can LEARN for yourself. You just have to go to the library and look it up for yourself.
Sometimes I meet people who don't have any degree at all but they are the smartest, most wise of people that I know. They speak with confidence and eloquence and they always "keep it real." Whether it is nice or pretty truth. They make sure to share it. I respect that kind of life. A life of walking in truth.

Its always exciting when you have an interview. Your hope is always somewhat a little bit too high. You go in with a "positive" attitude. "I'm going to get this job!" "I will get this job!" "This job is mine!" You are speaking positive energy into the atmosphere. So you are ready set to go!

I even went to so far as to have my god mother pray with me. I went to the interview and everything went great. The interview was smooth. I prayed the entire time, fasted for as long as I could without passing out.

Then I got the email. Anticipating running high! Excitement! Did he pick me? Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

Then it reads something like: "Sorry, we didn't pick you. Good luck in your job search..."

Why didn't he pick me?

And that's the answer that you will never get. Even when you ask them they will still give you a bs answer that caters to them not feeling like the "bad guy."

I'm at a point in my life where I have followed the "rules" enough. I'm tired of waiting around for things to happen and all I get is dirt kicked in my face. I'm tired of reminding people that God made me the total package so let's make money off of me while I still have the looks and desire to do this...

But everyone around here just sits on their asses and wastes their life away. Waiting and hoping for a chance that will never arrive. I'm tired of waiting. So I'm going to make my own path.

I'm tired of being good, nice, kind, PATIENT, PATIENT and then nothing ever happens and then when it does happen something bad is always attached to it. So hell, if bad things are going to happen to me anyway might as well choose the ones that I want to walk in, you know?

I can't keep sitting in north Carolina wasting my life away. If I was married or had children that would be a different story. The worst part is that people here only support me half heartedly. They support the modeling side but not the scientist analyzer side. The side that I want people to most remember about me is the scientist side.

How can I be a more loving person if I feel trapped in this hell hole? If I'm always doing the same things. Seeing the same faces. Many of my friends had chances to have money, to travel to be in relationships longer than a year and half. The only living that I have done is partying and drinking etc I want to do have experiences that NO ONE else will have. I know that GOD is always with me and he is the only one that can come with me on this journey.

Some might say that it is selfish of me to just get up and leave, but then I say that it is selfish of them to want me to stay. "But you will get hurt?" "There is danger out there!" Well if I get hurt then guess it was in GODs will for me to get hurt. Well, if I DIE guess it was in Gods will for me to DIE.

I need to go to a place where my beauty is appreciated and not looked at as a sickness nor a deformity. Where people don't just stare at me and not speak. Where people actually appreciate having me around.