Friday, May 31, 2013

The Freakshow: Light Poison Beauty

You get to see who your real friends are, when shit hits the fan. When you are your lowest moments in life and need someone to be there for you. When you go to a friends house just to talk but you find that their door is closed. They aren't thinking about you...

That's another reason why I want to leave NC.

I have tried everything to get a job in this state and for someone reason people here just don't like quality. They would rather pay less for horrible work and have all the stress of having to go back and correct it... than to just pay me to come in and do a quality job and get the job done by its deadline.

I don't know why God has me hidden, but there must be a reason for it. I feel like I should be on a red carpet somewhere. I feel like I should be on runways in New York, Milan and Paris. I feel like I should be more than I'm doing now. Changing hearts and inspiring other people to seek Gods unconditional love. But God has me here...

I wish I knew why....

The only person that really interacts with my life is my grandmother and my god family. The rest of my family members all have their own lives to attend to. No can help me. I try to ask for help, but when I do they just "look" at me like there is something wrong with me.

The truth is that in spirituality I have surpassed all my family members and they can't believe that I changed so much. It makes it hard for them to adjust to the new me. I wish that I had a closer connection with them, so I wouldn't feel the need to seek other people to be apart of my family but I don't connect with them. I'm different. It is what it is.

I really need someone to help me get my life started. I really need someone who is patient and kind to help me understand this thing called: Life. I love my grandmother very much, but there are some new things in life that she just isn't "hip" on. I don't like to burden my god family with my trouble. They had enough trouble in their life from me, in just almost a year. I have changed so much since last may that it almost scares me. What it takes people years to learn I have learned in just a few months.

It is a very lonely life to be in my castle of excellence all alone. God gave me an intelligence that no man can match and the eyes of truth that no man can sneak away from. When people see me coming, they move out of way automatically and they make sure to avoid looking at my eyes.

I feel like a sideshow. I feel like I'm on a rare rose on display, in a glass case for all the world to see but for no one to get close to. Because my intelligence was given to be by God (light) and whenever people get close to me, my intelligence is the light that shines in the dark places of the hearts of men.

I already know what they are going to say/do before they even think it... not because I can read minds but because God gave me the gift of paying attention to detail and being strongly aware of body language. I don't walk around telling people all the gifts that God blessed me with though... because then they will really be afraid of me.

I wish there was one person on this planet who could understand me and appreciate me for who God made me and is still molding me to be.

A lot of men want sweet women. Right?
But when I'm sweet that's when they treat me like crap.
When I'm mean, that's when they like me best.
That's when they want to "chase after" me. Its something about the conquering a challenge that men just can't get over. That's why I don't date nice guys. Because they are too nice to stand up to my intelligence. Their feelings get hurt easy. And then when I am nice to them, they change into assholes.
That's why I have always said that there is no such thing as a "nice guy" they are just assholes that wear a smiling disguises until they don't get what they want or until they realize that keeping what they want will be a challenge. Then then that's when the asshole emerges.

I don't ask for much. Matter of fact right now I just wanted a male companion that I can talk to about all the chaos that runs through my mind. A male companion that I can crack jokes with... a bestfriend. But even that is hard to find. Because if my intelligence doesn't scare them away then my loving heart seems too...
I don't know why God made me so loving, yet no one appreciates it. 

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