I'm not one to lie or to bite my tongue. If I feel some type of way you will know because I like truth, even if it hurts. The given ability to endure during painful realizations or truths in life, is what makes me strong. I'm still here. I aint dead yet... I still have some fight left in me. And as long as I can fight, then I'm going to praise God will my heart, mind, soul, spirit and body! Praise God like I lost my mind.
I admit that this walk with Christ, is not a "walk in the park." There are days when I want to go back to my old way life. Back to the days when I felt like I was "big ballin!" Going to house parties every weekend, going to the club, having men buy me drinks and other material possessions. Whatever I wanted I could have and all I had to do was be cute and sexy. And it was mine. I still have that power, but it I chose to transform that power when I re-dedicated my life to servering God.
Yes, those days were fun. I was high on life and doing whatever I wanted to do. But, even those they may have been fun. They were also the most sloppiest and tackiest of moments in my life. But, God can transform anyone. From a slave into a Queen or King and that is what he did with me. There are still some rough edges, that God is chipping away.
It is crazy once you find a source that can fill you with intense and immense joy just from making a promise. Nothing in the world can do that, because everything in the world is temporary. People make promises everyday in the world but then they break them. Why? Because they don't care. But who does care? God. In all the mess that I have ever been in God has always opened a door for me to escape. I mean I technically should be dead right now, with all the dumb stuff I put myself in.
Even in this situation I'm in currently. It is only the mercies and grace of the Lord and joy from the holy spirit that is holding my broken heart, and sanity together. Glory be to God. Why? Because I never thought that someone who claimed to love, trust and have confidence in God could be so cruel. How do you go from talking about God, reading me scriptures and taking me to church every Sunday to not speaking to me at all? Wow, that would make anyone trying to establish a strong walk with God get discouraged and possibly backslide. But, even though they weren't walk in Truth, I chose to rise above. To go to a higher level. Not only walk in the Gods' truth, but his peace and love too. All levels are hard, because I can feel things getting easier. I trust that my breakthrough is around the corner. In the name of Jesus.
I admit that I cried on Christmas Eve because the person who I had hope to hear from on that day, well they brought me here but they stopped caring about my life.
So, no text or call to say Merry Christmas. I sent them one but they didn't respond. And you know what, there comes a point where you just have to let people get "tired of being tired." But, when we mistreat Gods children please don't think we are going to get away with it. Moses, got mad at Gods people and hit the rock and all that time that he spent trying to get into the Promise land, all he got to do was see it. But he didn't get to go in all because he mistreated Gods people and was disobedient at the very end. But to God be the glory.
Christmas Eve December 24, 2013
God blessed my life with a friend to hang out on that day. We ate fast good and watched a movie. We made jokes and talked about God. Its nice to hang out with other people who are just as passionate about God as you are.
Sometimes God will send you the people that you least expect to be the most comforting, encouraging or supportive to you. Its our choice whether we receive them as a blessing or not.
Christmas Day: December 25, 2013
I had hope that maybe they would text me and say "Merry Christmas" at the very least, since they didn't saying anything on my birthday. But they didn't do that either. They texted everyone else but not me. And you know what? "What goes around comes around" When other people start treating them the way they treat me, I hope my name and face pops into their skull. So they will realize just why they aren't in the place where they should be or why doors aren't opening fast enough for them.
You can't go around treating people, especially someone that loves you and cares about your soul salvation like crap and except God to just overflow your life with blessings. Even if you get one or two doors open, you are still going to reap the consequences of the negative seeds that you sowed. I know it, because I was on the starting and the receiving end of both situations.
Anyway, my Christmas actually turned out really awesome. Glory be to God. I got to hang out with a very loving woman of God. Who has a heart of passion and would give you the shirt off of her back if she had to. I was really depressed when she called me, but God always know just who to send. If he would have sent anyone else I would not have left my room, my depression was that deep. But, God is awesome. He knows us better than we do.
I got to meet all of her family and they are all very loving and super welcoming and kind. I felt a little bit out of place. I had never experienced so much love in my life. What I learned is that I know how to love others, but I don't know how to receive it. I also learned that the only time I give love is when someone is hurting.
At that point I felt my life take a turn. The family environment is something that I had always wanted in my own life. I never got a chance to fully experience that because God decided to take my mothers' life early and then my "dad" left my life too.
Yeah, the only part during the entire evening that got me was when all the couples were hugging and kissing and taking pictures with one another. That ol' feeling of loneliness started to creep back in. Life is cruel that way, the one thing that I want... to have someone to love, God places me right in the middle of other people being apart of a world that I have yet to plug into.
When I was in that world, I was so happy. But, I didn't seem to have much support. No one seemed to be really happy for me because at the time they were all single. Now that I'm single and they are "boo'd" up, no one cares about my pain.
I'm praying God moves me anyway or at least sends me back home though. I do thank God for sending his loving daughter into my life. He certainly equipped her to keep me "in line." *sigh* I'm just waiting for God to move me somewhere else. The people here have been very nice, but my pain is too great and living here is a constant reminder of the death of my child-like heart. Like I said before the only way I'm still breathing is because of joy from the holy spirit. Glory be to God.
