Thursday, June 27, 2013

Bold Holy Righteous Living: Realistic Walk With Christ (part 1)

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown..."

Those lyrics were taken from a Katy Perry song.

I want to be perfect, just like Christ Jesus (Yeshua). I want to walk in love and in Gods truth every single day. I want to be obedient to the law and commands of God. I want God to use me all the time...

But I have to be realistic in my walk with Christ...

I'm not perfect. I will say things that hurt the feelings of others.

There will be times when I will forget who I am and where God has brought me from.

I will forget to pray at times.

I will oversleep and miss church service on Sunday.

I spent so much time trying to be perfect. I have to lead by example, right? But then when those who told me that I had to lead by example were the very ones that were throwing tantrums when I didn't do something they wanted or when I rejected their advances...

I had to stop and think... but they aren't perfect either?

The problem is that those who have a bold and holy righteous walk with Christ have a lot of responsibility on their shoulders. To walk Righteously? That is what the saints need to do in order to most affective. But doing so is a lot of sacrifice. Right now, I'm just trying to live an honest life. I'm not trying to be perfect, because I know that I still have some things that God has to help me get in order.

My first deal is to find a job and or establish a career.

I really like it hear in the DMV area. I know that if I knew more people and I live here for awhile I could get a lot done. But with the limited knowledge that I know of the place I can only do so much.

I may stay for longer than a week, as I feel that this is a spiritual journey one that is needed for me to walk into becoming a full fledged anointed, loving healing priestess carrying the love of God inside of me.

I also realized that I have to speak kind and encouraging words because somehow my presence has a strong impact on others. Some people get shy. Some people get nervous. Some people even get upset at the power behind my anointing... they see it, but I'm not always aware of it.

Sometimes I forget just how much power I have....
But there is already so much hate and greed in the world. I do not want to use the power that gave me to add more sickness into the world.

I haven't been that close to those who love me, because I have to get my heart, mind and spirit in the right place. I have been asking God to purge me of the darkness and pollution in my heart. It has been a dueling battle.

A part of me wants to go back to "having fun!" PARTY! PARTY!

The other side is ready to walk in Gods peace and be clothed in his wisdom and step into my position as a leader.

I know that I am capable of doing so much more than what I am doing right now. But I have to wait on God so that I can be sure that the steps I take are ordered in his perfect WILL, because whatever God has for me is great and wonderful and no man can take it away.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Honesty and the "Good Man" (What does he look like?)

I don't know what a "real man" looks like. I have an idea of what could be like though. I'm reflecting on this now because recently I have turned off two guys who claimed that they either wanted me to give them a chance or that they flat out had feelings for me.

I did not know what to do about that...

The truth is, that I'm a writer. It does not matter what the topic is, if the topic is strong on my heart then I'm going to write about it. I'm also going to write about it over and over and over until I feel at peace with whatever conclusion was presented to me afterward.

The writer in me is one of the parts that men don't like about me. They don't like it because there are times when I will write about them and expose them for who and what spirit is really on them at the time.

But in order for me to write about you, you have to really have impacted my life in some way. I don't just write about any ol' body...

Anyway... what I discovered is that I have never met a "real" or "good" man. I did not grow up with any positive male role models in my life, so I spent my time trying to figure out what a "real man" looked, sounded and acted like.

SO, what is a good man? What does one look and act like?

One thing is that a good man (a man worth the effort to be with) is honest, not only with himself but with other people. Even if that honesty hurts at times, he still shares it or received it because he knows that it pushes him closer to truth and thus closer to God.

I have more of an idea than I had five years ago. Also a good man doesn't want to throw things at nor hit me...

On top of that most of my experiences with males have been extremely negative. Abusive, so abusive like you wouldn't believe! So, I'm cautious when any man wants to "get to know me..." because that's how it started out in the past....

I'm asking God to clean me up, so that I don't run away men who are indeed good and have loving hearts the way I do. As I said before I recently lost two gentlemen who were particular interested in "getting to know me" because my force field/chain fence etc was too high for them to climb. They got frustrated because I would not be the "sweet" lady that they expected me to be. That's another reason why I tell people not to have any expectations whether about me or anyone because people change every single day.

And God is cleaning me up very quickly, for what exact purpose I am not sure. But soon, I will know...

Right now I'm at point in my life where I just want to be single, hanging out, meet new faces, drink, make money and dance.

If, God sent a man, that claimed he wanted to be with me I would have to pray about it extensively. But since I have yet to meet any man who can not only climb the wall of my intelligence, get past the forced field and still be a "nice guy" after it all. Then I don't really think much about it.

Just because I have an independent spirit and love doing my own thing does not mean I don't get lonely. I do miss being in a relationship. But like I said before the problem is getting started. Any man that is with me is going to have to be strong because I am on the battlefield in defense of Gods unconditional love, whether I want to always walk in that acceptance or not... it remains true.

DC Trip (Day 4): Good Food & Third Wheel Conversations

The thing about living with someone who has the car, is that you have to operate on their time. I will say that I miss having that freedom to come and go as I please in my own vehicle.

But it is not a big deal...

Monday June 24 2013:

I really enjoy being here because I feel very peaceful.
I get to be all parts of myself. I'm not expected to do anything in particular. If I wanted to I could just sit around all day. But I'm not here for that.

I want to work. I know there is work to be found here and I will find it, in the name of Jesus Christ.

The lady I stay with is such an inspiration. She has her own personal walk with Christ, that is made just for her. She keeps God first no matter what. She is successful, beautiful and intelligent. She pays her own bills and does her own thing. She could have a man help her out, but she does not need him.

She depends on God for everything and that's how I want to be too...
I'm still not sure what lesson I'm suppose to be learning here though, maybe God just needs me here so that I can gain more patience.

I have been going through this awkward push and pull with my spirit. One part of me wants to give in to the "fun" and be wild and free. The other side knows that in being that way it could bring a lot of trouble and also cause a lot of people to turn away from Gods love.

We already have enough hate and greed and selfish people out in the world, If I give in to the "fun" I will change into one of them...

By the water:
In the evening, after she got of work, we ended up going back to national harbor and eating outside by the water. At this place called:
Since, I have been here all I have been doing is eating. I never get a chance to eat out when I'm home. So it is nice to be able to go out and indulge once in awhile. But the thing is... that she and her friends live like that because they can afford to. It must be nice to have money to live comfortable and not have to worry so much about basic necessities.
There were three of us, so of course I'm always that odd ball person. The "third wheel." I tried to get in with the conversation but I just wasn't interested in much of what they were saying. My mind was elsewhere.
I really want to get a job, drink, go dancing and meet hot guys (lol). I know that sounds shallow and petty, but it is true. I'm young! I should be living it up. Having fun! Enjoying my life. Who knows when it will end?

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

DC Trip (Day 3) Sunday Reflection: Sushi & Core Main Values

I'm not really sure why God allowed me to come here, but I am thankful for the time away from NC. I feel like the days go by too fast here.

Sunday: June 23, 2013
I was not able to get to church because she said that her church canceled for the day. She attends a church much like mine.
So, instead we went out to eat at this really nice Chinese/Japanese mixed restaurant. The food was good. There I tried dragon sushi rolls. I did not know that I liked sushi, but I guess I do now.
Later in the evening she and I went to the grocery store so we could pick up a few things for me to snack on while she is at work.
When we were about to leave we ran into two Bulgarian life guards who were just the sexiest ever. They surely don't make sexy men like that. As I was putting the cart away I introduced myself and that's when I found out one of their names and where he was from.
You know the kind of guys that I always talk about dating but never get a chance to meet? Well they were those types. Tall, muscular, accents, gorgeous eyes... straight out of a erotica novel haha
The boundary:
I have to admit that even before I became a queen through Christ I was limited to what I could do. I was never really good at dating, but I always made an awesome girlfriend. It is always the initial start that takes so long to get, but once we get started then things are great. Once he learns my how I am and what I won't tolerate (liars and cowards) then everything runs smoothly from there...
But the beginning is always the hardest part...
This walk with Christ has not been easy, but it has been worth it. I can say that wholeheartedly. I went from doing what I wanted to now being patient and waiting for God to tell me what he wants me to do.
Patience? HaHa Good ol' patience. One of the most difficult lessons I have ever had to learn even more than getting over a heart break.
The truth is, no matter how handsome, intelligent, rich etc a man is I just can't be with any man. He has to be a man on fire for Gods love. He has to love God more than I do. He has to eat, breathe, think, feel, etc in Gods love and truth.
Because if he does not it won't work...
I have reflected on this for awhile and I realized that most of my past relationships did not last because we did not match at the core.
So sure, we had many things in common, but at the core of who I am a compassionate heart, honest and in love with God, they disagreed with.
So now I tell myself that any man I get involved with as to match me on a deeper level:
He has to match my strength in spirit
And my compassionate heart
And my love for God
And my honesty
Those are the four things as far as the main core values are concerned that are a deal breaker. The only problem is, now I have to stick to those things.  

Monday, June 24, 2013

Transformation: Queen into a Priestess

In order for me to be a priestess I would have to give up a lot of "me" and be all about God.

I would have to be all about Gods people only.

So anything that I wanted would have to cease to exist even in jest. I tried be normal, like regular (average chicks) but it just won't work. I tried to live inside of the box and ignore mediocrity and truth like so many other people do. But then it started to eat away at my soul. Once your eyes are open to truth you can never go back to pretending that what is, is not any longer. When I was "blind", I could not see. Now that I can see, sometimes I don't want to because it hurts me greatly. It makes me weep for humanity. The strange thing is that the anointing much be in the right spirit too or I could get consumed by pride and turned against the love in my heart. It is a dueling contingency, but one that can not be avoided.

DC Trip: National Harbor (Day 2)

Saturday June 23 2013 (Day 2):

I am not really sure why God gave me this opportunity. Maybe he just wanted me to get out of NC for awhile, so that I could regroup and think. Maybe there is a lesson that I need to learn here.

I'm not sure what it is, to be honest....

Today I went out to National Harbor. The best way to describe it is like a strip of outlets next to a body of a water. They had a live classical orchestra playing outside. It was warm. People were dressed in all kinds of sandals and shorts.

Then there was me, dressed in my gothic attire. One guy, who was very cute, look in my direction. Then quickly looked away. He was either shy or I scared the boots off him lol

It was extremely peaceful outside. This area isn't really known for clubs, just their bars. So many different bars. One of them even has a mechanical bull.

This area is like downtown Raleigh except, next to a body of water and a lot more upscale. It is like people actually give a damn about how things look around here.

We ended up at a pizzeria spot. We sat at the bar. We flirted with the bartenders. One was really cute. He had the most handsome light greenish eyes. I have never seen eyes that gorgeous (natural!) on a black man before. We even got a round of free drinks and a desert (see what a little smile can get you sometimes haha).

I had a lot of fun.

I was pretty tired when we got in too. I like going out and then coming back and being exhausted that way I don't have to think so much before I try to go to sleep. It is the worst feeling in the world to stay up until like 6am trying to force your mind to hush up long enough for you to go to sleep. That's another reason why I write. It quiets my mind somewhat....