Saturday, June 15, 2013

Imitation is the highest form of flattery or the saddest form of self deception...???????

In the experiences so far on this earth:

I acknowledge the truth no matter how much it hurts me. I may not accept it until later though. But it is important for us to be honest with ourselves about who we are...

When I mention that most men are clowns/jokers (etc) I don't mean that they are physically I mean that they are mentality.
1. They avoid truth even about themselves.
2. They become w...
rapped up in their mediocrity. Then they settle for it.
3. They don't use their intelligence to get out of their own mediocrity.
So they limit themselves from reaching their highest potential...

Still they want people to praise them as a "king" when they are merely a joker wearing the "kings" crown. Imitation is the highest form of flattery? or its the saddest form of self deception, knowing that you can't be who you truly are inside. Not because its impossible. But because you don't want to rise above mediocrity.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Thanking God for his protection (extended commentary)

Thanking God for his protection:

 I wanted to start the car yesterday early in the evening just before that temporary rain storm came. The car would not start. I sat in that car for about an hour. It was extremely hot and the sun beat down through the window right on the key and the ignition causing it to burn my fingers every time I tried to start it.

After a few more minutes I...
got upset, then stomped my way back to the apartment. Then the second I was safely inside It started to rain. The wind howled, tree branches tossed around.
I heard the ambulance sirens blaring frantically! It was then that my grandmother came out of her room and said "Guess you don't have to move your car right now, its raining..."

After the storm passed, I went back outside to move the car that I'm driving and it instantly started up.

I think that car has a mind of its own, or its somehow connected to my spirituality.

I don't know what God has planned for me, but I do know that my life is very quiet and in the past when my life was quiet it meant that something big was on the way.

I feel like God is trying to prepare me for something. I wish I knew what it was....



Lesson: God does not want us to move before his time, anything outside the WILL of GOD can lead to all sorts of trouble or move out of the way so you can avoid being in the wrath of God.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Yahweh Shalom Move me: Men Who Are After The Heart That Belongs to GOD

My grandmother (bless her heart. I love her so much) tells me that I should be sweet, so I can get a "boyfriend."

Guess they still call them that these days. I have been living in a cave for the last 6 months so I wouldn't really know....

But, I don't agree. Because that would be lying. I have seen it happen so many times. The guy falls for the "nice SWEET" girl and then after they get together or get married she turns "aggressive." No, I would rather show my UGLY FOOT first, so they can know what they are getting into. Because I am a handful. I am independent. I don't like men to tell me what to do. I'm bluntly honest. I'm always sweet. I'm not always nice. I don't always care. BUT when I DO CARE, WHEN I AM SWEET and NICE its peaceful and wonderful. The birds tap dance and the clouds sing! Unfortunately, that NICE side does not get appreciated by said men folk. So I have to turn it off.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Testimony: God is always on Time (full story)

God is always on time: Testimony. 
All I can do is thank God for his mercy and grace over my life
I'm poor, broken, needy, and blind and I need God every single day.
Thank you Father, God for your kindness, your humility, your truth and your love.
I don't deserve your love, but you love me anyway.

I felt pretty good when I woke up this morning. I got up, put my clothes on and was ready to head to this new church that I was introduced to...

But when I walked outside the car that I'm currently using was not out there. It was gone! At first I thought I parked it in another area. Then I thought it was stolen. I was freaking out because I was trying to make it to the 9am prayer service. Since I want to be a prayer warrior one day, I figured what better place to start than to immerse myself into where the action is at?

But I didn't make it. God had other plans for me.

I saw the police officer sitting in his vehicle, with the window rolled down talking to the towing guy. So I walked up to him and ask him if he had any information on the car that I was driving... he told me that they towed it.

He told me to go the police station to get the information on where I could pick it up.

When I got to the police station, he had already radioed the officer sitting at the desk. The officer said that he couldn't find it (more stress for me!)

So I walked around downtown seeing if I had placed it somewhere else, just in case. Then I concluded that it had been stolen.

When I got back to the police station that officer that I had first spoken to was there and he had all the information lined up for me and filled out ready to go.

I was pissed because the officer at the desk who was suppose to be doing his job clearly sent me on a wild goose chase when he knew that my car had been towed all along. He was just too lazy to look for it.

I frantically called my god brother and his wife to come and help me. I didn't want to call my aunt because I knew that she would fuss and roll her eyes...

During that time, while I was waiting for them to arrive at the police station to pick me up so we could go to the towing facility. I found myself in a parking deck talking first talking to my aunt then right after talking to God.

After I got off the phone with my aunt, I was upset and I prayed and prayed and prayed and asked God to please help me...

God sent me two angels in that moment (and two more after that moment)..., Tony and Amanda to help me through a moment of confusion. They stopped and asked me if they could help me, because they heard me crying. I asked them if they knew how to pray. I could tell that neither of them really know "how" to pray, but Amanda stepped out on faith and prayed with me anyway and Tony supported her. They both had the kindest eyes. I could tell they had the love of Christ in their hearts.

Love recognizes Love.

After they prayed with me. I thanked them. Then disappeared but I continue to stand in the area trying to calm down from all the frustration. Then unexpectedly Tony and Amanda came back and around put some money in my hands. They said, "this is all we have but we hope that it helps..." I was so shocked at their kindness and desire to help me. They kept saying that they wished they could do more. All I could do was stare at the money and say thank you God over and over. It don't run into kind hearted people every day. That's how I knew they were sent from God.
I was already upset because the car got towed, but to make matters worse my aunt didn't seem to care very much. She is so practical when it comes to other matters but when it comes to me, she is indifferent. Any other person would have said, "what do you need?" "I'm on the way..." but no not her... too much of a hassle to help lil ol' me.

You know, if my mother were alive I wouldn't even bother my aunt for anything. But sometimes she forgets that her sister's heart lives in me. And when she acts indifferent to me or doesn't care. She is actually breaking her sisters heart (my mother's heart)....

Anyway, my god brother and his wife arrived and they took me to the towing place. They had to pay because I did not have the money.

Everything went smooth. We went to get some food while we waited for the tow truck guy to come back and unlock the gate.

After about 30 minutes (plus) the tow truck guy came back. I was able to get the car. Then after my god brother, his lady wife and I went to their church service. It starts later in the evening which worked out perfectly into the schedule of that day.

The whole purpose of me getting up, was because I had my heart set on going to church. But even though I didn't make it to the service I wanted to go to I made to the service that God needed me to be.

He sent confirmation on something that I had been dealing with for awhile: Patience.

I thank God that he put it in Tony and Amanda's heart to stop what they were doing to pray with me.
I also thank God that he put it in my god brother's and his lady wife's heart to help me also. They could have told me now. They could have said they don't have it. But when I asked for their help they didn't fuss or arguing or say anything that would cause me to feel bad about asking for help....

I'm going through an interesting phase in my life, because this is the time when I really need my mother. All the way. But I know that God is going to take care of me. I know that it will all work out the way that it should...



Live Inside of Your Dreams: The Biological Family (Dream)

The truth is, that it doesn't matter where I go in life I will be alone and that is something that I'm learning to accept...

There is never a day that I don't thank God for the families that he has placed me in, but now I feel as if my task and purpose for the so called: "biological" family has been fulfilled.

God places me in different families for different reasons. He needed me around the "biological" family so that I could remind them of my mothers heart. But now that they have their own lives and they are too distracted and or have no want to care about me, they also reject the heart that belongs to her that lives in me....

I admit that I have to remember that I can never stay too long with anyone family, because then I won't want to leave when God calls me to move.

I have tried to have friends. I have also tried to be apart of a family but I'm a "lone" wolf what can I say... I have always been that way. Then even if I wanted to be and or feel apart I would still feel separate because no matter where I go or which family I'm placed in I'm always the "different" one. The one that doesn't quite fit anywhere... so I do the best I can and then I move on.

But here is the reason I'm writing about this...

First let me say that I rarely have dreams, but when I do I remember them very vividly. Every detail. Every feeling within that detail. It is almost as if I physically lived in the scene that I dreamt.....hmmm.


I had a dream that I walked out of my grandmothers senior home, ready and eager to meet my "biological" family (My eldest aunt, her children, my second eldest aunt, her daughter and son, my sister and step dad...).

We were meeting at an Italian restaurant across the street of the senior facility. I don't remember what for, but I know that I was sort of rushing because I wanted to be on time.

When I finally arrived, they were all sitting outside in a sort of circle. They all stared at me as I looked around for a seat. Then they started to all talk at once to one another, as if they had not noticed that I was looking for a place to sit.

I finally found a place next to my cousin (the one that is married) and she and I made small talk, but the conversation disgusted me so much because I could see right through the fakeness. The fake care. She didn't really want to be talking to me.

She started talking to her husband.

So I turned my head to the other side and was greeted by the face of my eldest cousin. He has always been a very quiet, observant individual (I believe that he has spirit gifts that the rest of the family doesn't understand because they are too consume with 1. maintaining their "good" image in the community and 2. keeping up with what the world is doing).

He greeted me with the biggest and warmest of smiles with a "HEY!" As if he had not seen me in years. He also discerned that it was physically making me sick to be around such "fakeness" and mediocrity. So I smiled back and him. Then got up to leave. My eldest aunt (in her haughty princess like manner) asked "where are you going?" (the underline tone was: Oh, she thinks she is too good to hang out with us....)

I replied with a respectful and gentle, "nowhere..."
Then I continued to walk back to the senior home. No one else made any objections about me leaving.

I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to double check to see if anyway cared that I was leaving, but they were all immersed in their (collective) world, with the new baby, my cousin and her husbands life/lifestyle etc all family stuff...

It was at the moment in the dream where I felt my heart break in the real world. I knew that, that was the truth and also the death of a world that I once wanted to be apart of and felt safe in.

The truth  is that the biological family that I was given with the exception of my grandmother, maybe my sister and step dad... really don't care that much about me. And the day my grandmother passes away they really won't have anything to do with me then.

As it stands now, they never invite me to family functions and when they do they always put restrictions on how they except me to show up. For example, my cousin that is married had a graduation reception she told me not to come all dressed up and showy (you know how I like to dress up for God and look like the Queen that God molded me to be, right?) or else she wouldn't know me...

She could have been joking, but I know that from a lot of self reflection that anything that I say as a "joke" has a bit of truth it in. That's how she really felt and if she didn't really feel that way she would not have been moved to express it so boldly.

But it doesn't matter because I couldn't attend anyway. I didn't have any gas money to get there....

Walk In Gods Complete Truth, Love and Peace

I'm not perfect. God is still working on me...

I always tell guys that, if they aren't going to live right and do right by me to leave me alone... because WOE! to the man who breaks this heart that does not belong to me, but belongs to God...

But they never listen...

It has always been that whenever a guy broke my heart that the following days something bad would happen to him. Whether it was going to happen anyway is the third variable that I have yet to figure out. But if it was going to happen some time in his life, once he broke my heart he invited the pain to enter into his life a lot faster than he expected.

I also tell guys that I'm very honest. I have asked God to help me work on being more subtle in honesty, but like everything else it is a process.

They never believe me, of course, then when I give them honesty they get defensive and feel offended. That's why people need to be very specific in what they ask God for.

I asked God that in his time to bless me with a gentle, respectfully honest husband, because I know that blunt raw honesty that is detached from human emotion is not really who I am at the core.

I guess you could say that in trying to heal from my past pain, that blunt/raw/detached honesty became somewhat like a shield from all the men who hurt me, spit on me, called me names and stepped all over the loving heart that God gave me.

The strange thing is that when men see me, they instantly want to possess me or somehow get angry at me for no reason. That's how I know that I'm dealing with a spirit on them. Those who know about spiritual warfare know exactly what I'm talking about...

How can you meet someone, and just hate them for no reason without even speaking to them or interacting with them at all? I always say that it is not that they hate me as person, but they hate that Gods love lives in me. Any man who hates the light and love of God in me is of the devil and those are the type of men that I aggressively spiritually "fight" against and physically ignore or stand up to. 

The truth is...

I enjoy being in a relationship, but not very men are strong enough to walk on this path of complete truth and love. See, because sometimes the truth is ugly, raw, gritty. Sometimes the truth does not always bend in my favor. But even when it does not I still embrace it and learn from it and then I move on with my life.

That's why I say that I have more respect for an honest "asshole" than a lying "nice" guy.


I would like to be a wife and mother, but I want to follow in the path that God has for me. I want to walk in Gods truth, love and complete peace.