Saturday, October 19, 2013

GOD Have all of me: "Nothing without you"

God is cleaning me up so fast. It is overwhelming. Two months ago I had one foot in the door and one foot out and now I have both of my feet planted and rooted in the word of God. I get stronger every day.

I'm asking God to renew in me a clean heart and the right spirit daily. I'm asking him to help me adjust to this entire situation. 

I have never been faced with anything like this before and so, for me to have to deal with this away from home where all my original and strongest support is, is difficult. 

I didn't come to VA prepared for any of this. I thought, that I was going to get a job, work for a couple of months, save up money and then go back home, with him still in my life and still loving me.... 

Its not fair. 
Its wrong. 

Its cruel. 
Its hateful. 
Its horrible, that anyone would put someone that they love and care about through this. He didn't have to cut me off and disappear out of my life without even a goodbye or a see you later. Nothing. He just vanished... 

I don't talk about it with anyone because people won't understand they will just say "get over it..." the way they say about my mother being deceased.

I want to hate him, but I can't... because as soon as I start to get angry at him the holy spirit comes and convicts me and reminds of the love of GOD in me. But no matter how many times I ask GOD why did that have to happen right at that time... or why did he do that? I never get an answer....

But, what I can't understand is why did he break up with me when he knew that I needed him the most? Why did he choose to break up with me during one of the most critical points in my life? 

Who does that? Who stares you in the eyes and promises to stand by your side and then because they don't understand a situation or they see that God is cleaning you up, just get jealous or mad out of nowhere and abandon you? 

You don't treat people like that... 

I would never do that to him. I could have left several times while he was going through the fire but I decided to stick by his side because I know that is what I would have wanted him to do for me. But so much for caring and loving someone. So much for trying to be a "good friend." I did my part, but he stabbed me in the back.

Then turned around and took pictures smiling and laughing like it was all good and gravy. Do you not care that I need your friendship? Do you not care that you PROMISED to be my friend and support me? 

Even in my pain I still don't wish ill will on his life, but I do pray that God reflects this entire situation back into his face, spirit, and heart so he can see what he feels like to be/feel abandoned...

He knew that I didn't know anyone. He knew that I didn't have my foot good in the door yet, but because he saw God moving more quickly in my life than in his he got jealous. DUDE! I looked up to you! You inspired me to seek God even more than before. When I had one foot in the door and one foot in the church you wanted to be with me. But now that I am all on fire for GOD you don't even want to be my friend? 

Wow. What happen to the man that told me that I had to go to church every Sunday? What happen to the man that told me that "I am the head and not the tail." That prayed with me with almost every single night. That helped me stop drinking and cursing so much and "fed" me scriptures. Where is that man at? That man who put and kept GOD first?

I don't want to be friends with a fake, wannabe gangsta, thug, rapper whatever! That's not you. You are wise, humble, funny, kind, intelligent and strong. You treat people with respect and you care about other people. You want to help everyone and you get mad at yourself when you can't... God has called you to be so much more. 
But, you run from your calling because you don't want the "responsibility" and you don't feel like dealing with the "pressure!" DUDE! You are a man! God built you to endure it! Your souls' salvation is on the line and the more you sit on your praise for God and turn your back against him and act indifferent like you don't care...all of those things you will be held accountable for on the day of judgement. 

If your shoe was on my foot, I would be held accountable too! We all ARE going to be regardless! That's why I'm making such a big deal about us finally forgiving one another and moving on. We don't have time for this silent treatment game. Jesus Christ can come back at any time. WE need to make sure we have our souls' right with the, Lord before that time arrives.  

I know that you can go back to being the man who stared me in the eyes and asked me "DO YOU TRUST ME?" That's the friend I want in my life... The friend who kept God first and never let me forget it.  

If I didn't care I wouldn't be making such a fuss. I don't just drop kick people to the curb when I tell them I love them. That's cruel. You prayed that God would make me sweet, kind and meek and now that he has finally cleaned me up you don't want anything to do with me? how much sense does that make? 

You prayed that GOD would remove me from "your space" and then GOD opened the door for me to live in a nice big house and you got jealous and mad at me? DUDE! How much sense does that make? NONE! NONE! NONE!

Are you trying to tell me that all of that was a front to get me? Does your silence and absence in my life say that you lied about loving GOD? That you were faking the whole time????????????

Even if we weren't suppose together or are not suppose to be together right now or whatever, still keep in touch as my friend. You can be friends and talk to everyone else but you can't seem to find two minutes out of your day to text me or call me just to say hi?

How do you go from, I love you almost every single day to nothing at all. To no text. No calls. Nothing. 

But even though you did me dirty, I still pray for you. I still pray that God opens all the doors that he wants you to walk through. I pray that you are safe. Not being able to protect you, kills me, but I know that God can protect you far better than I ever could...

I don't hate you, I never could... I just wish I could apologize to your face and let you know how much I love you. Not with eyes of the flesh and not in a romantic way, but with the love of Jesus Christ that has grown so much in me since I first got here. 

I pray every day that you come back into my life and that we can forgive one another and be friends again. Friends that encourage one another in their walks with Christ. Come back, man of God. You are missed.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Love, Beauty and Power of GOD: A life of Adventure

I feel like a queen without her castle/kingdom. I feel like I took a journey away from my kingdom to go do business in another kingdom. I know that God has called me to do something great. I know that he is molding me for greater. Preparing me to be equipped and handle the absolute best that he has just for me. I'm ready to go to he next level and nothing and no one is going to stand in my way from getting what God has for me. I tried to include other people in my blessings, but then they got jealous and weak in their spirit and let the devil control them. I don't need any weaklings on my team. 

That's why I asked God to send me his strongest warriors. Not just the strongest, but the strongest of the strong. Each day is a spiritual battle and those who don't believe that are foolish. The enemy is constantly trying to put doubt in your mind or turn you away fro GOD. So you have to fight for your sanity! 

When Daddy Comes Home: Bruised But Not Defeated

Thank you God for my new job. Thank you for my own new car. Thank you for this house I live in, the bed I sleep in. Thank you God for the lady I stay with. Thank you God for the good health in my grandmothers' body. Thank you God for your faithfulness, protection, mercy, grace and peace in and over my life. Thank you God for your love in me. Thank you God for your light in me. Thank you God for opening all the doors that you want me to walk through. Thank you God for filling my life with loving, caring, kind of heart followers of Christ, who are passionate and on fire for your love. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Reflection of Bible Study 10-14-2013 (Take A Back Seat)

What I took from bible study: Is that God wants me to sit back. To stop giving so much. I give so much to everyone else that I don't have any energy left to take care of myself with. I care about Gods people. I want to see them happy, successful. So I spend the majority of my time praying for others, because I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW that GOD moves quickly when I pray for other people. I feel joy when I get to hear someone tell me that they received that job that they have been praying for, or God opened a new door in some kind of way... 

I enjoy attending bible study, because it is the only real time, other than church when I get to be around others who are truly passionate about God the way I am. 

But this time, instead of always being first to speak or always being the leader. I felt God telling me to sit back and observe. To be vigilant. Watchful. I did very little talking last night. 

I have many revelations throughout the week, but the one that is most strongest is about forgiveness. 

The only thing I want to do is apologize to him to his face. That's it. I just want things to be right between us. Even if he doesn't want to be my friend afterward that's okay but at least I got to apologize so the weight on my heart would not be so heavy. 

That's all that pray for that God will send him back into my life so I can apologize and move on... 

I will never understand why he chose to just turn his back on me and close the door to even a friendship, even after promising that he would be there for me and that we would still be friends.... 

You just don't treat people that way. Say one thing and then do another. I'm not perfect, but I would never turn my back on someone that I claimed to care about and love. Even if we were not in agreement on everything in life, so what? we are not always going to agree on everything. God made us unique individuals. 

But at the core, to give up on someone that you claim to love and care about because you are jealous of them or you don't like what they said or how they responded or whatever... is childish and petty. I'm done with the foolishness. 

I just want to apologize to his face, then go on my way because I know that God has greater and better things in store for me. 

I love him very much. I thank God that he sent him into my life to bring me closer to him(GOD). I pray that he stays focused on GOD, only. And walk in the path that God predestined for him to walk. In the name of Christ Jesus. The son of the living God. Amen. 

Monday, October 14, 2013

Single and Ready to Mingle: Wait! Missionary Work?

When I think about who God is cleaning me up to be I found see myself in this form:
 Except I'm brown skin lol 

But as a queen with a lot of responsibility, power and authority backed under my belt. That title and position is what God called me to a few months ago, but I was not ready to accept it. 

I was so consumed in taking care of my bestfriend at the time and making sure that they were protected from the negative spirits that I knew were trying to attack them. Unfortunately they did not listen to me and lo an behold they found themselves in a hole and so did I for trying to help them and I missed out on the new car that God was going to bless me with... *sigh*

There are small parts of me that want to throw in the towel and say forget this. I really want to move on with my life. I want the things that God has for me. I know that somehow I'm suppose to start a ministry. It has been mentioned to me several times since being here, yet I have to be careful. When you do ministry work you are responsible for the souls of people. 

For some reason I feel compelled to help people. To comfort them. To hold them in my arms. To sing to them. To pray with them. Teach them about the love of God and how wonderful and awesome God is. I feel like if I don't get a chance to share this passion for God my head is going to pop clean off my body!

I'm normally a "lone wolf." I normally stay to myself. If you don't bother me then I won't bother you, type of person. But, recently here I have been feeling like I need to be more active in church and in the community. 

There is a message that the people need to hear and I know that God has birthed one in me to share, yet there are so many messages...

I have to pray, then I have to ask God to set up the right setting for the message to be heard in. 

A small part of me feels like God is cleaning me up so fast, that even I can't keep up. I still want to go out dancing, live life being a young folk but I found that God has placed me in the environment that a wife/mother should be in and not in a "college party" environment that my flesh would like to be apart of. 

Yeah, the environment I'm in is really not made for a single lady like myself. I'm suppose to be around other young folks who are single and ready to mingle like me... but I find that always surrounded, by families, couples, single mothers and children. All the time. 

"Hey GOD, did you forget that I'm single and I want to mingle?" lol

No, I'm sure he has not... 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Reflection: The Shoes That Do Not Fit

I'm in a very reflective mood at the moment. I tend to think a lot. Its like a million sentences run through my mind daily and if I don't write them down when I am told then I will never get to sleep...

Right now I'm reflecting on passion levels and growth. I have been in VA for almost 3 solid months. I feel a calling to rise to a position of leadership. I feel as though it has been long overdue. And that anything or anyone who is not strong enough to ride the wave will get pulled under.

I notice that in any of the relationships that I had starting in my freshman year of college (before I had a serious walk with Christ) I was always being told that I'm "too aggressive" too "dramatic." Too passionate. What I'm realizing is that God is cleaning me up a lot faster than I or anyone else expected, for his glory. For what purpose? I do not know yet...

And the clean up (the changes that God is making in me at a faster rate) are confusing the lads who have shown much interest in me. They went from seeing me party and dance all night, to staying inside praying each night. They went from seeing me be quiet and shy to passionate and on fire for God. So, I can understand that it would throw them off a bit.

But those who see with their spiritual eyes, know that God is making great changes in me and in my life...

That's why I can not be with a man who can not match my passion for God nor a man who is not strong enough to protect the love of God in me. Many have entered into my life thinking that they would be my "hero." No, that spot is already taken by Christ Jesus and when they realized that I paid more attention to God and not them, they got jealous and started acting hateful and mean.

I'm always outgrowing the men that I date. Its like, wanting to keep a pair of shoes just because they are cute but knowing that you can't wear them because they are too small.

Its interesting... So, I have been praying for God to send my husband, because I want to know if he will be on my level or stronger than I. I want to know if he will be able to match my passion for God.