Friday, June 7, 2013

Check Your Motivations


That's why I suggest to people to:

(even I have to do it, constantly. Its a task but well worth it, if you want to aid in reaching your highest potential through Christ...)

"Check your motivations..."

Why are you doing what you are doing?
And are you doing it to get gratification for yourself

Are you doing it to be a blessing to someone else?
Do you really WANT to be a blessing to this person

Are you just doing it so that other people will think you are a "NICE PERSON...?"
There are questions that people need to start asking themselves and once they do they will open the door that walks them toward Gods perfect peace.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Sunday Reflection: The Last Effort

I never really had love in my family after my mother died, so I sought it elsewhere. We just were never the type to say I love to one another that much or at least in growing up I was never the type to really care if they did. I now realize that saying the words "I love you" is just as important as showing them. Because if they never hear the words that go with the action then they (your family members, people you love) won't learn to associate the two concepts with one another. It is a learning process. I always knew how to do it, but I never did it because I was angry at the world for "taking away" the one person (my mother) who cared the most about my existence.

I had to come to accept that my "family" will never understand loss until they lose their mother. I pray everyday that their mother stays healthy and strong, not for my benefit because that would be selfish but so that they will have time to spend more quality time with their mother. Something that I wasn't able to do...

They are indifferent to my existence but that's okay. They have their own children and lives to worry about. But what I discovered is that in order to teach love, you have to be love. And that's what I ask God to strengthen in them and I every day. We can't connect. But there is love in being civil.

Before I met my god family, I was placed with another family: The "K's" And they are awesome. Whenever I see them its like I was never gone for that long. They always greet me with warm smiles and they always offer their help in any way that they can. At least the sisters do anyway lol In all the time that I was hanging out with them they never how important their kindness was to me. When you grow up as a island all on your own or feeling like you have to fight the whole wide world by yourself, sometimes at first the kindness of anyone scares you... but then after awhile we just "grew" on one another. I'm happy to say that, even though I don't talk to them every single day, that God did bless me with a family to show me kindness while I was going through my "wild child" transition. I am thankful. All I wanted to do was be loved and accepted by someone. I just wanted to find a place where I was free to be the "crazy lady." lol

The god family that I have now is awesome. They love me even when I don't deserve it and surprisingly it is almost as if I was meant to be apart of their family. I'm very similar to them in spirit and in heart. They are honest with me and their honesty matches my bluntness. So, I don't have to bite my tongue or lie to myself about how I really feel when I'm around them. They don't look at me strange when I walk in looking like a supermodel. They don't try to put me down or make me feel bad.

The one thing that my aunt (blood aunt) said was that "she didn't know..." and so far that has been the widely used excuse with my biological family. "We didn't know that you wanted to come..." Blah blah blah. You didn't know because you didn't ask. It is that simple.

My last effort to try and connect with them was this past Sunday. But I already know that my aunt was indifferent to my proposal. Matter of fact I picked up on that many times before, I just never said anything. She really doesn't care about me. She never really wanted to take care of me in the first place. She only did it because her mother was my guardian so she kind of felt obligated. But every time I messed up, got into trouble at school or got into a car accident or had some kind of drama in my life. She would always roll her eyes and give a heavy sigh like I was the biggest bother in the world. It cut my heart to realize that, my mothers sister(s) (because the eldest one is no different... ) could be the hateful. But God made a way out of no way to help me find his love again...

So, if they never accept me or like me I don't care because God does. And that's all that matters.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Restoration, Rejuvenation, Re-evaluation

I'm taking some time away from the online world that I know to figure out a few things in my head. A part of me feelings like all the sharing that I'm doing of basic truth falls on deaf ears. I feel like no one cares about what I'm doing unless I do something that makes a big impact. I have to be able to influence many people. I was happy at the one or two people that I did reach with the truth that God put on my heart to share.

I admit that not all of my posts on fb were from God. I would hope that people would recognize the difference. The posts that seem to have the most emotion behind them were not from God. They were based off raw emotion. But the posts that were solid, that sounded like something a grandmother or grandfather would tell their grandchild that was from God.

I always knew that I was different. I just didn't know how much different. I also joke that God gave me the wisdom of an 80 year old and the body of a 20 year old. It is a joke that most chuckle at, in respect, even though it holds a great deal of truth....

I need time to re-connect with my heart. To heal more. I need confirmation of where God needs me to be, who he needs me to associate with and what he needs me to do.

Where: DC, Greensboro, Raleigh or Winston-Salem?

Who: Friends? Which ones do I keep or which ones do I leave behind?

What: continue this modeling thing, go full time into teaching, move into a completely different field all together?

I know that God will provide all my needs.
I still need a job that pays all my bills. A bed in a room, in a house or apt to stay in until I can get on my feet. I also need another/new vehicle.

I feel like change is around the corner, and if I can hold on then things will get better.

Medicine Dreams or Nightmares

When I have headaches or when I'm not feeling well. When I take medicine because I don't feel well lol I have the strangest dreams.

Last night I had a very vivid dream of a black vicious dog barking and snarling in my face. His teeth were sharp and he was foaming at the mouth. It looked like a pit bull. It was all black.

This is not the first time that I had a dream that was so vivid that not only did it shake me out of my sleep. When I woke up I remember everything about it. I could always hear the dog still barking and snapping at me when I woke up. I don't know if I was lucid dreaming or not. I don't really know how all of that works. But I do know that recently I have been having strange dreams.

Here is an example of two types of dog that it could be:

The pitbull

It could have been a Rottweiler but it was all black...

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Struggle Builds Strong Testimonies

I was starting to think that God was not hearing my prayers until one of my awesome guy friends, we will call him Mr. "J" sent me a text telling me that he met two awesome men of God. I had been praying that God would send him friends that were passionate about God the way he is and lo' and behold God answered that prayer.

When I pray for other people the prayer always gets answered. But when I pray for myself it either takes forever to get answered or it doesn't get answered at all.

I'm in an interesting transition and in this transition I'm starting to learn who my real friends are. It is so odd that a complete stranger appreciates me more than those who I have known for some time.

I can't help that I love people so passionately. That is just my way. But instead of people seeing the good in that, they take it and dirty up my gift to love by saying that I'm "needy" "possessive" "overwhelming" etc All of those speakings are of the devil. There can never be too much love. There barely is any now...

There can be too much care though, which I have recently pulled back on because the more I cared the more I got in the way of their spiritual growth. When I feel that my life is getting in the way of someone else's spiritual walk with Christ I will remove myself for a awhile...even if it hurts me. Because its selfish to block someone else's blessings because of any selfish desires that I may be feeling at the time (loneliness etc).

This life is changing rapidly

I don't have much time to be in this situation, because I feel like God is going to move me soon. Either into another living arrangement within NC or out of the state completely....

I really would like to have my own bed and my room to sleep in for a change. I have been sleeping on the couch for two years now. I thought that I would finally be able to get on my feet when I got my job as a hostess at this new restaurant that opened up down the street. But they didn't like quality... that's the problem around here. They don't like anything or anyone that reminds them that they can do better in life. People in NC are comfortable with floating just above average. They have little desire to strive for their absolute best. But, even if they manage to reach their full potential once in their life, they are too lazy to maintain it... its sad.

So much potential, gone to waste....every day.

I use to look at this stagnant position I'm in as something bad... and yes I do want to "fly away" from this place still. There is no denying that. But now, as I'm learning how to walk in Gods peace I look at everything bad or unpleasant that happens in my life as a stepping stone that will aid in building a strong testimony.

It seems like ever since I lost my mother, all I ever do is scream louder than the next person, cry harder, run faster, jump further just to get my little pinky toe in the door to success.

When it seems like others can just wake up and have everything handed to them. But even those people have a story too. We all do, that's why I like to get to know people for who they are... instead of for the mask that they display to the world.

My life isn't over. I still have a lot more work to do, but I know that I have to heal completely if I ever want to teach people how to walk in Gods love, truth and peace.