I'm slightly overwhelmed with emotion at the reflection and revelations I have received as of late. I always knew that God gave me the strength to overcome, but I did not know how much strength he gave me.
I'm not here to paint a fairytale picture, nor lie about events that took place in this journey. I'm here to tell you the truth, about what happen. What I did, what I said, what they did what they said and how we did not focus on God and what our focus should have been, could have been and what our focus looks like now.
God is the ultimate navigator. Every time I tried to do things my way, it may have worked for a day or even a week but as soon as something hit me. I went down and everyone around me was affected. I had to keep in mind that what I do, and also what I say affects those around me. My life is not my own. It never was. God created me to be a blessing to his people. But when I'm stuck in my flesh, selfish and unfocused how can I be a blessing? The answer is: I can't. At that point I become a hinderance and a bother. A "distraction."
I will never forget when they told me that I was a "distraction." It broke my heart because I thought I was helping. But, the truth its not "helping" when you do things that take their attention away from God. Everything should be about God. Everything we say, think and do should be representative of how Jesus Christ lived.
But, I have been here for almost 4 months or maybe a little longer. I spent Thanksgiving here, now I'm spending my birthday and I'll probably be here for Christmas too. Working. Saving money. Trying to get on my feet. God had to cut, my "happy" from me and my idea of "stability" so that I could only see, know and depend on him. He didn't just move me away so that I could focus on him, but he moved me away so that they could focus on God too.
Everything isn't always about us. Each day we interact with people we have the potential to share the love of God in us. It doesn't have to be through speech or ministering. It can be through our actions too. Giving a hug. Being a listening ear. Praying with someone going through a struggle. Be a blessing to someone else's life, not by giving them money (unless the holy ghost leads you too) but by being positive, patient, loving, kind etc and those are the things that will be remembered long after God has moved you from that place.
I do not write for form nor fashion, nor so that people will like me. I write because I want to show the process of what a walk with Christ can look like. There will be no walk with Christ exactly the same, because we each go through different lessons in life. We each grow differently. But the end is the same, for us to be used for the glory of God.
One of the things that I had to overcome is forgiveness. I thought that if I apologized to them that everything would just be perfect like it was before. But the real test wasn't in apologizing to them, it was in forgiving myself.
I was so hurt by the situation and even more angry at myself for not knowing how to help them. I felt it was my duty to comfort, protect and love them through any and all changes that they went through but instead of doing that I fell prey to my flesh and became selfish and arrogant. They needed a friend, and I covered the love of God in me with pride, selfishness and anger, so that they could not reach his (God) love in me.
I was upset with myself because I couldn't "save" them I didn't know the right words to help them out of their situation. I didn't have enough money to make "it all better." I felt useless. All I could do was sit back and watch them fall into more confusion. I tried to pray, but I wasn't in the right spirit all the time. I was too busy worrying about myself instead of trusting in God to take care of me and attending to what their needs were with the word of GOD.
We have to remember that it is not about us. It is about other people. Every blessing, every gift that God has given us is used to be a blessing to someone elses' life and for the glory of God.
God, blessed me with a heart of empathy, a heart of compassion. A heart to love his people. To comfort and protect and instead of using that gift for good I allowed my flesh to take over and shut it down.
So God had to move me away, not only so he could have their full attention, but also so I could learn how to love his people again.
The process is never easy. There will be tears. There will be times where you may be uncomfortable but trust in God. I can write that now because I'm walking in it. And little by little God reveals to me the things about myself that are holding me back from walking in the fullness of his Greatness.
I can not go back and redo what has been done, but I can move forward with the new revelations that God has given me and apply them to my life currently.
I pray for them daily. I love them with all my heart. I ask God to protect them and heal them. I asked that God go in and fix the mess that I made. Each time we don't act in love, we leave a negative imprint on someone's heart. I pray that God removes that negative imprint that I made on their heart and he restores them to full joy in him and to full confidence and trust in him (God) as well.
I never want to see any of my brothers nor sisters hurt because of something that I allowed my flesh to say or do. That is not how Christ was and if I claim to love God I also must commit to learning how Jesus Christ walked in the love of God, in the peace of God and in the truth of God.
I pray and ask God to fill me with more of his loving spirit. To cut off all things that are unholy, unrighteous, and or unclean in me. I do this because I want to love his people better. So that I never enter into another situation where someone needs my help and I am not able to help them because I'm too weak to fight against my flesh. Before I didn't know much scripture, let me tell you the word of GOD is a must when you are on the spiritual battlefield. That is one of your most powerful weapons. Without it you are "crippled"! Must read it and meditate on it daily.
It is food for your spirit.
Maturity? It is not something that you can keep consciously avoiding. Especially if you are a Christian. We know right from wrong. We know that we are suppose to love our neighbors. We have a guide book, the Truth, the word of God that tells us what pleases God. Yet, even though we know what pleases God we still choose to do the opposite. We have to "rebellious" spirit to the curb in the name of Jesus. And get on one accord with what God says, so he can bless us. He wants to bless us.
Right now I'm in a place of peace. A place of complete connection and peace to God. I'm meeting new people through the start up of my business. I'm thinking like a winner. I'm learning to overcome. I'm chasing after my dreams. There are a lot of things that I want to accomplish between now and let's say 30. I do not want to be sitting around talking about the same ol' things that I am now when I reach that age.
I'm starting my own business. I'm working. I'm making new friends with professionals who are humble millionaires. Wow. They give. They support. They help. They speak life into people and that's really what many in the world need. A light in a dark place. A light of hope.
I'm learning that nothing is impossible with God on your side. Your situation may be unfavorable, but you have to look at what you do have, as oppose to what you don't have. You have to "work with whatcha got." Until God blesses you with something better.
I know that Greater is coming for me. I know that my dreams will come true. But more than my dreams coming true I know that one day (real soon, in the name of Jesus) I will be in a position to be a blessing to other people. I will be in a position to give someone a ride to church.
We need to sow seeds of kindness, during the "crushing" so that when we come out Victorious, we will have a good bountiful harvest to reap from for our celebration of our victory through Christ Jesus, who loved us before any man or women ever knew what love was. Glory be to God. Amen.
